Confusion

When all else fails, the yetzer hara will pull out his dirtiest tactic- confusion.

You know Pandora's box? Confusion was in there.. confusion WAS the box... So it makes sense that unleashing it caused a lot of problems.

Why is confusion so bad?

When we know the difference between right and wrong, when it's clear, there is struggle, but it's obvious. Throw confusion in there, then the struggle is blurred and mixed up.

I see that sneaky little hand of confusion come up and suddenly, nothing makes sense.

And if there is anything more torturous... It's confusion.

I hope you find clarity soon, and through that, find your own peace.

Rhapsody

I'm skipping
Tripping
Love this lie
This blissful high
I'd take this dream
Sew its seams
And wear it like a coat
Set it as a sail
And coast on this boat
Neverland is only as far
As you let your imagination take you
I saw clouds that looked like you
They faded into the endless blue
And I forgot that you were once true
So I leapt to the sky
The moon isn't so high
When I know I can always land
Amongst the stars
And make my wishes real
And break this bad deal
I can go back to my dance
And get lost in my own trance
This song sings like forever
And will carry me on to Never

Anger

Below is a poetic description of what happened to me last night... All of the details are true, except for one part. Can you guess?

She steps on the bus

Cursing the world

Words so violent

It caused stomachs to curl

 

Every F-word

And even more in between

The sound of nails and dirt

And more, so obscene

 

Loud and clear

The roar of the insane

A thousand words

Pierced with anger and pain

 

Depression, obsession

"Stop polluting the air

You have a response?

I really have no care"

 

"See this finger

You're not worth my breath

But I'll keep cursing

Until there is none leftt

 

Every year

It's all the same

Kids with no respect

Playing at this game

 

"Just drop me off

I don't want this anymore"

Oops, the bus hit her

And she is dead on the floor.

Be A Man

Sometimes in life, you have to take matters into your own hands. When a situation needs fixing, you have to stand up. Take charge. Be a man where no one else is being on.

(Or woman... depending on your situation).

Sometimes, it means going out of your comfort zone. Making decisions that didn't know, or think you can make.

Sometimes, that is very hard.

But what happens if you don't take control?

Things can fall apart... become a mess.

You need to take control.

And today, I did just that. I saw a situation that needed adjustment. It required peseverance and determination.

Which is why today was a very monumental day.

I took a tool to aid my success and went at it.

Today, I cut my hair.

:)

Invisible

Up in smoke

Remnants still burning

Disappearing in the air

Invisible...

Invisible...

You can see the wisps

Or what was once there

A dream

A wish...

Invisible...

Can I?

Could I?

Should I?

Would I?

Wish.... wish...

To be...

Invisible...

Divisible...

A wish...

A dream...

Good night.

Flame

I see you flickering

Fighting against the darkness

To make your own light

To shine your own beacon

This world keeps trying to blow out

With winds of change

But a flame remains a flame

And while it can share it's light

Once it's out

The flame is gone...

So keep flickering and dancing

And spreading your light

Your pure brightness is enchanting

And your power is enhancing

Because there is strength in numbers

And you, my tine flame, are not alone

For each night you remain strong

And sing your song

After these eight days

You and I will reach

A point of human existance

Beyond normal comprehension

A time in space

That defies all preconcieved notions

A time that has been set in motion

And you, my powerful flame

Will be the light that leads the way

So my flickering flame

Shine on

Until that time

When all darkness is gone.

Awareness

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

 

 

I just thought you should be aware...

Trying Times

Part One

Where is the world going

Where have all the good ones gone

Our collective journey is ending

As the end of time is nearly upon

Today, tomorrow

I do not know, pray tell

Yet this I do know

We are sadly not well

To make a decision

In reverse of what you already said

Are you safe at night

When you sleep in your bed?

What demons haunt you

What mistakes lurk in your dreams

Are you breaking under the pressure

Of self made change-beams

Does anything keep you strong

Or are you broken and weak

You used to sing for the masses

And now you lost your ability to speak

Part Two

Where do we hide

And what do we see

The modern addi(c)tion of society

Has been the detriment of humanity

A family shattered

A life destroyed

For something so fake

That could never fill the void

Yet where is the sustenance

I so desperately need

In this dark times of destruction

Who will plant a seed?

The sun of our nation

Is diminished like the moon

And all we can ask

Is that our redemption comes soon

Read between the web pages

      I am

     unable

         to hold

    myself back

    from

looking at     

these

       things

Ctrl+F

I am lost in this place...

Ctrl + S

Save me... Please...

*Based on a Chinuch class

Change

Change means there is a new person waking up in your bed. And that person is you.

Change means there is a new person staring back at you in the mirror. And that person is you.

Change means there is a new person writing your words. And that person is you.

And isn't it scary when there is a stranger in your bed?

Isn't it scary when you don't recognize the person in the mirror?

Isn't it scary when you don't know where these words came from?

When you change, you can't be comfortable.

When you change, you have to stretch your limits.

When you change, you are not the same.

So if you are not you... then who are you?

G-d's Answers

What are you praying for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you need something different?

Or do you need something more?

You've been asking and hoping

You've been waiting for days

For G-d to grant you some clarity

Through all the muddle and haze

And it seems like there is nothing

There is no hope in sight

You've been trying for so long

And you're ready to give up the fight

It seems like G-d

Has given you a resounding NO

But there is a deeper message

That needs its time to show

G-d will never tell you never

Only that there is something better for you

If you wait sometime

It will be revealed with brilliant truth

G-d will never tell you no

Rather that the time is not ripe

And there is a clock ticking

As your answer comes down a pipe

G-d will never tell you no

The only answer left is YES

But you must realize

That He will only answer for you what is best.

Sunday

It's 6:15 Sunday night... Normally, I would be pajamas, or totally relaxed with no worries or cares... after all, it's Sunday. But in Israel, or at least in Sem life, Sunday is like any other day... in fact, we have more class on Sunday than most days... and it really makes me wonder.

In a lot of areas, the Israeli/Charedi way (depending on how you look at it, no starting arguements here) they really have the right idea. By turning Sunday into a regular day, and not one where one can just "relax", it puts more of a focus on Shabbos. Shabbos, Yom Menucha must epitomize everything that Sunday cannot be. A day of rest and reconnection with Hashem, without the distractions of work, technology and every day life. By not having Sunday to "recharge" Shabbos becomes a focal point for our week... We must put a lot of effort into Shabbos because, without Sunday to "catch up" there must be more put into Shabbos.

I hear the complaints of people who say they miss having Sunday (new Olim, obviously) but it kind of is a good thing. It means that every day must be utilized to its fullest and everything that can be accomplished in each day of Chol, must be done, so when Shabbos comes, it is just us and Hashem.

Sounds like a lot of pressure, but the way the world was created was that each day was filled with work, and on Shabbos we rest, and as Banim L'Hashem we are required to imitate His ways. G-d didn't just chill on Shabbos. One of the fundamentals of the world was created on Sunday!

So bearing that in mind, all the Chutznikim reading this (Ok... me included) take the time to turn Sunday into a greater means to connect to Hashem, thereby encompassing His plan and ideals of creation and this way, when Shabbos comes, there are no worries about "did I get everything done?" because by utilizing each day of the week like Hashem did during the Briah we can come to Shabbos with peace of mind and only connect to Hashem.

Scared

I see the way they look at him. I know what they are thinking. They are uncertain... they are afraid. They are scared. And rightfully so... but it's only because they don't really know what they are looking it

Y is the boy who I spend two hours with every Thursday. He is my chesed kid, and sometimes he can be difficult, but I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything.

Y has Down Syndrome. And because of him, I learned something about myself: Down Syndrome doesn't scare me. I have had plenty of prior interaction with kids with Down Syndrome, but never so consistently, and so intimately. It's just me and him. And I love it. Y is funny, smart and most of all, a really sweet kid. When people hear "Down Sydrome" they think: unintelligent, incapable and slow. And Y is far from it. He speaks two languages, knows his way around his neighborhood, is friends with all sorts of people and enjoys playing tricks on me. It's true- he isn't so fabulous at math (but we are working on it!), he looks different than other boys and his speech isn't so clear. And when someone first looks at him, they may be cautious. The kids in the park stare... he acts different than them. And I am sure there was a time when I was like them... but somehow, I realized that it's only what we don't know that scares us... and these kids, they don't know Y... I hope one day they will.

Yellow Brick Road

Watch your step

You may miss something big

Like a yellow brck road...

 

Where did that come from?

 

Who are these creatures?

And why do I feel pulled

Along this yellow brick road?

 

Where am I going?

 

I will embrace my lack of knowledge

I will confront my fears

Click my heels, I am going home

 

Not yet?

 

Oh.

 

Onward toward that big green palace

Where that man behind the curtain

Has something to tell me

 

What is this?

 

You aren't so far from me

You aren't such a mystery

I don't understand everything

But I do know

That I will click my heels

And come home soon.

Lockdown

It's the third time since Seminary began that we have heard one of the dirtiest words in our newly acquired Israel vocabulary- Lockdown!
 
The first time it happened, it was "exciting". The second time was about a week after the Gilad Shalit-Terrorist trade-- is it any wonder that there was a terrorist running around? According to a report I read, a fair few of the released terrorists returned to their East Jerusalem homes. Comforting, right?
 
So tonight, we went on lockdown. I love the apt description that my Sem-mates use when they call their friends to tell them the news- "There is a terrorist running around!" When they say that, I picture a Grim Reaper-like character, in a black robe, flapping his arms and screaming BOO at every mother and child. If terrorists were like how seminary girls think of them, the IDF would have a good laugh, I'm sure.
 
Now the question comes- what really happens when we go on lockdown? Well first there is a lot of grumbling that we can't leave the building after a long day of classes which is almost nearly as bad as the kitchen saying that they are out of chocolate spread or peanut butter... you can see the difficulty, right? And then, depending on how long lockdown lasts for (thank goodness for the swiftness of the IDF) panic attacks ensue- hurried breathing, sense of clausterphobia, incoherent speech and rapid movement. The thought of a terrorist running around is nearly as bad as the panic attack itself..
 
So the question is... what's actually more frightening... a terrorist on the loose... or a bunch of cabin-fever-Seminary-girls who aren't able to get sushi and iced coffee after clases?
 
I wonder if the IDF could handle the latter...

iShteig

Ok, ok, all the "iBlank" jokes have been used before, but I need to share my own appreciation for the wonderful little gadget called "iPod". I have heard all the arguements, and all the discussions and everyone has an opinion... but do people look at the good?

So today was a lazy day for me. And by lazy, I mean I didn't leave seminary for errands, but I stayed inside to do some work (shock!) and clean my room. So first, I put on my headphones and clicked a playlist... (the playlist was made in response to the bad news I have been hearing lately, and the songs are comforting...) After listening to a few songs, I was "reminded" of my own personal tekufah of struggle. Basically, I needed a quick dose of chizuk. So I scrolled through my iPod to one of my favorite speakers, Rabbi Wallerstein. (www.torahanytime.com). And, really, I am very happy to be able to do that, because I am not sitting in class when I am folding laundry, but does that mean I shouldn't be learning? I shouldn't be getting inspired? (Wow... Seminary has done some quick work on me... maybe this was because of our "Principles of Education" class... our teacher went on and on that in today's age, we don't enable kids to use their knowledge and excitement for learning-- too much vacation... but I digress). Everyone has something to say about the change technology in this world. And don't get me wrong, I know first hand about the pitfalls and struggles, but if a person is careful, wise, and wanting, he (or she) can use technology for benficial purposes. So as I type this, I am listening to a shiur and quite happy about it.

Happy shteiging :)

Only the Gadol Knows

You Zivug hasn't been born yet...

What if you were told at age 30 that your Zivug hasn't been born yet? You would probably feel rather despondent... How would you feel, if two months after being told such, you were engaged? Messes with your head a little bit... Keep reading.

Rav Kanievsky: Your Zivug Hasn't Been Born

(Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011)

A man seeking a shidduch visited HaGaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky Shlita seeking advice and a bracha, one of the many persons who visit with the Gadol HaDor during the afternoon hours. The man, described to be in his 30s, visited the rav about two months ago, Kikar Shabbat reports. The teary-eyed man explained he cannot find a shidduch, asking Rav Kanievsky for a bracha. The Rav probed the man's details somewhat and reportedly responded "Your zivug hasn't been born, bracha V'Hatzlocha", leaving the man in tears, apparently despondent over hearing the rav's words.

The man recently returned to the rav, this time with a smile on his face, announcing "I am engaged". Those present were somewhat surprised, wondering how he accomplished this in two months after hearing the rav's words. The chosson explained that his bride-to-be is a giyoress who converted a month earlier, explaining the rav's words "your zivug has not been born".

The gadlus of a Gadol is what they know... and what they choose to reveal... Maybe we can take a lesson... And learn to appreciate the humor in life..

Rock Bottom

There is no lower place I know

Than being alone at rock bottom

Because when you are there

The only person who can help you out

Is yourself

And that is the only person
You want to get away from.

The Search

The secret of majesty

Is its power held

In mystery

Elusive separation

Fills us with a

Want

That we seek

To complete

And so we search

Like beggars

For a hint of

The king's treasury

And throughout

The week

We hunt and see

And collect pennies

Along our travels

And with that sum

We can finally come

And reside in the palace

Of the king

And every need

He will fully heed

And fill us with his love

Because we searched

And worked hard to find

And lit a candle in the night

To guide us to

The king's eternal light.

The gifts of the king

He longs to share

And tells us with

A smile and a tear

"For you, my dear one,

I will always care"

And these few words

We hold so close

For when it comes time

For the king to send us

Away from here

To restart our search

And fill our lack

Until the next week

When the king

With joy and song

Will happily

Welcome us back.

(Based on a class on "Kedushas Shabbos")

Stunned and Confused

Like a captive
On the run
"I'm INNOCENT!"
Running... I need to escape
While I still can
Where is my
FREEDOM?
Why am I being chased?
I didn't commit a crime!
I'm not supposed to be serving time!
Get this warden guard away from me!
I didn't do anything, can't you see?
I just want to see the sun
And smell the sky.
Please don't take me back there
Keep your cuffs, and save your blow!
I won't go back there, you can't make me go!
DON'T USE THE STUN GUN!
 
*ZAP*
 
No... no...
I won't do it... you can't make me!
I... won't... do... it...
 
RD 11152011
Imprisoned for: succumbing to sins
 
Let the records show... the warden wins.
 
And in the darkness of this cell
The only thing I truly miss
Is the light
That would end all this.

 

Based on the Nesivos Shalom Yud"Zayin, "Vayehi Ohr"

Of Blown Hair Irons

Last night, we had a class (on a tangent) about Ayin Hara... I was enthralled by the story the teacher told and thought about how it might apply to my life (as that is the point of seminary lessons). And I did take it to heart regarding a certain area of my life...

But I didn't listen close enough.

After I showered last night, I went to do my hair so I wouldn't have to bother with in the morning and maybe I could sleep late (and I did sleep later then I intended... but at least my hair was done!) As I went to plug in my hair iron, my roommate asked me, "why are you doing your hair every night?" and I, rather annoyed, responded, "why do you do your hair every morning?" To which she replied, "I only do my bangs! You're hair is going to die!" And I, getting really annoyed (she sometimes pushes the wrong buttons), replied "I have been doing my hair every day for the last four years and I still have it!" And then I went to plug in my iron. And if you didn't guess- it blew. Israeli outlets and American plugs don't mesh, and after four years of use, and a few months in Israel, my iron died.

To say that I was humiliated and upset is an understatement. Now, don't start playing the "vanity" card- it has nothing to do with looking good. I can look perfectly fine in curly hair- it's a comfort level. Thankfully, the ayin hara wasn't carried out on my hair, rather on my iron, but the blinking neon sign exploded after that moment. It was a firework display of "Why didn't you listen??? How could you miss the whole point!"

But, in my annoyance, I turned off the tape player in the background and missed my message.

It's crazy sometimes how aware we need to be of our lives... from our waking moments, to before we go to sleep at night, we need to be on constant high alert about the rights and wrongs in our lives... and I missed one... and now I have to pay the price.

Literally.

Eilat and Tzefas

Hello? Hello? Anyone still out there? Anyone still reading this sporadically-updated blog? I suppose I owe you something...

A few weeks ago, we went to Tzefas for Shabbos. Let me tell you, it was an eye opener. We went to the Bais HaKvaros on Friday afternoon... The whole time, the song from "Touched by a Niggun" kept playing... "They stared at the picture.... R' Shlomo Alkabetz, his kever in Tzefas, who wrote L'Cha Dodi, we sing Leil Shabbos..." We were right there! To say I had chills is an understatement. Friday night, we davened in Breslov (Check off the list!) It wasn't quite what I was hoping for, but the building was gorgeous, and I really enjoyed. Shabbos day we took a tour of the Old City of Tzefas... Those stairs were NOT fun. But from the top of Tzefas you can see so much of Eretz Yisroel- it was breathtaking.

Motzei Shabbos we went to Meron to the kever of Shimon Bar Yochai- apparently it is a thing to go on Parshas Noach... I am slightly apprehensive for Lag Ba'Omer...

So that was Tzefas!

 

Last week we went to Eilat! We did a few hikes-- I was all decked out in my marathon gear (Team Lifeline- that was a post I left out...) and it was awesome! There were tons of ladders... mind you, I have developed a fear of falling, but no worries, I pressed on!

The next day we got up bright and early and went snorkeling! If anyone ever doubts the beauty of G-d's world, they should get a mask on and dunk near the Coral Reef... it was a totally different world! The fish came so close you could almost touch them! (But I was scared they were going to eat...shock me, so I kept my distance.) Despite the lack of breathing from the mask and all the salt water I swallowed, it was single handedly one of my best moments in Israel so far (Another check on the list!)

 

Then we went to an Aquarium, and from a tower thing in the water (I forget the name), you could see Jordan! Kinda cool and kinda scary...

 

It was a really exhausting two days... especially hearing about the Petira of R' Nosson Tzvi Finkel, which was extremely upsetting...

 

B"H, Seminary is going great... I love being in Israel... my favorite hobby while I am here is to just wander... Forget buses and trains and taxis (oh my!) nothing beats walking, breathing the air and seeing the sights (and honestly, Israel has a fair few...)

 

So that pretty much sums up my life until now... Hope you enjoyed!

Seminary Funnies

There is a page on Facebook called "A Sem Girl Says" documenting all the more brilliant and insightly quotes overheard from Seminary girls... Thank G-d I don't think I have had any such sayings like they post there (IE. "Does this siddur fit my face?") But I have had some funny incidents of my own that I thought I would share... So here goes... What RD, A Sem Girl, Says...

 

Teacher is discussing the rebellion of Adoniyahu..

Rabbi: He made a party with veal and meat and lamb and there were sports... if this were today, what would be missing?

Me: Beer!

Rabbi: Well, someone knows how to party...

Me with my hand covering my mouth, sinking into my seat...

 

Me: How do you spell Apikorus?

Teacher, looking stunned and amused: I NEVER expected such a good question from you!

Me, shooting daggers in her direction..

 

Girl: Where are you going to college?

Me: UMBC... University of Maryland

Girl: You're going to school in Chicago?!

Me, holding my mouth shut so I don't explode, but failing miserably...

Girl: I didn't know Maryland was in Baltimore!!

 

Ah yes... Seminary life is very, very humorous...

 

Good Shabbos!

 

The Power of Imagination

There is nothing so painful, as far as my opinion is concerned, than a life never lived... an opportunity missed... a moment lost... The imagination of the human mind is so powerful, so convincing, that dreams can become reality, thought rather unreal and wishes seem to come true... yet only within the confines of one's mind. Were you ever presented with a chance, an opportunity and for hours you would think about it, create its setting and events in your head, painting a detailed, perfect picture of the outcome you wanted? But then... somehow, it became lost. Rather by circumstance and sabatoge or simply, it was never meant to be.. and suddenly, that picture that was so close in our mind, seems so far off, yet so tangible, that we chase after it, desperate for it be fulfilled. It feels so real. It is so real! The things we imagine, the things we want have the ability to "become" real in our minds! How can the transparent, slippery and elusive dreams we have come true? How can we turn our imagination, our hopes for a certain outcome into actuality?

Sometimes, sad as it is, this can never be...

Last week, a boy I knew was tragically killed in a car accident. Upon hearing the news, so sudden and so shocking, I burst into tears. There was  this profound knife shoved into my heart, and I felt too weak, too incapable to remove it. I didn't know him well. We spoke briefly one day during the summer, but it was those few moments that had an impact on me. It was after a long, tiring week and I was feeling empty, both physically and emotionally, and this boy, with just a few words, managed to bring a smile to my face. And I remembered. When I heard of his tragic petira I was suddenly confronted with the scenario above... the wishes and dreams that his parents had for him... the hopes and opportunities that he thought he would have... cruelly torn away. And I sat, tears streaming down my face, thinking of the life he will never have. He was 22... almost, or already dating. He won't marry... he won't have children... His parents won't reap anymore nachas from their precious son. And suddenly, our imagination paints the clearest picture in our mind of a future that will never be.

In life, the events that precede someone's passing often affect how we will feel after the person passes away. Someone who is sick for a while, we are almost grateful when they pass on- they aren't in pain anymore. Someone is older, we feel fulfilled- they lived a long life. A child, there usually is no relief... when they are sick, again, there is that small ounce of gratefulness... a parent  no longer has to watch their child suffer... but an accident, so sudden, unexpected, no time to prepare... well, there is no goodness in that... not even the smallest amount.

I have few words for this boy's parents- I cannot imagine their pain. The only thing I can wish for is that in time, and with time, they will find some nechama in this sad situation. Their son was truly a special person. He was a pursuer of chesed and embodied simchas hachaim. His loss will leave a void in my life... and the lives of those who were privileged to know him.

I hope that whatever insight and inspiration readers may gain from this blog, will be an aliyah for his neshama... If you smile when you read something, or gain a new understanding that can bring you closer to Hashem, that will reflect and carry on the life he led.

L'ilui nishmas Shimon Yosef ben Daniel

Raining in Yerushalayim

It's raining in Yerushalayim
The skies have open wide
Emotions of the heaven
No longer seem to hide

When tragedy strikes
Can the world mirror our pain
As the waters of our tears
Are reflected in the rain

Is this an overt blessing
Or just a terrible curse
Is life going to get better
Or only become much worse?

It's raining in Yerushalayim
The clouds wish to console
As it revives earth and life
We can finally reflect its role

Sufferers

Cognitive Dissonance is a disease. And the world suffers from it.

 

Symptoms include:

Delusions and Hallucinations

Inconsistent behavior

Lack of gratitude

Lack of recognition

Irrational actions

Rude speech

Causing harm to others

Anxiety

Low Self Esteem

 

Treatment: Redemption

Roller Coaster of Change

The world is changing fast

Can you keep with the pace?

Are you standing firm

Or thrown all about the place?

Did you read the paper?

Did you hear the news?

Everything is changing

Whether or not we choose

For good or bad

To lose greatness and splendor

Or to hear of celebration

In a gruesome murder

A prisoner finally free

How long we waited for this day

Even at the high price

We were forced to pay

What remains

When everything changes so fast

Can the only thing that will last

Be the memories we hold dear in our past?

A roller coaster of emotion and change

No one planned this track

We keep moving forward, gaining speed

And there is no way to go back

Hold on for this ride

We are heading straight for the unknown

Remain strong and true

You'll be safe, you won't be thrown

What happens when there are no more words left to write?

Noam Esther

I went to the wall

To pray for a girl

But I was too late

She'd already left this world

 

How could it be?

How could this be the plan?

G-d, I turn to you

An answer, I demand

 

I believe completely

With full faith I trust

That we live for a time

And then return to the dust

 

But a child, so dear

How can it be her time?

She barely had a chance

To live and to shine

 

I know that prayers

Did not go unheard

But in my limited mind

This still feels absurd

 

But now that she is gone

There is only one thing left to ask for

Let her reside near you

Healed, happy and smiling forevermore

 

L'ilui nishmas Noam Esther... keep singing...

Reminds me of a song...

The sheer irony of being in Jerusalem never ceases to amuse me. People who you would never see otherwise are suddenly boarding the same bus as you, turning the same corner, or eating in the same place.

Friends... acquantices... Or someone who knows someone who is in the same place as you... Your roommate... your cousin... a friend from camp... There was a group on Facebook (Sefer HaPanim as I like to call it) called Six Degrees of Seperation... and in Jerusalem, it's less than that. In a way it's comforting... you are never alone... you know someone and as a member of Klal Yisroel, Yidden are always looking to help. And in a way, it's rather disconcerting. It means being on your best behavior cuz you never know who will see you. It means in order to be by yourself, to have a moment to think, you have to escape far away.... and within in certain time constraints, it's sort of hard.

Coming to Israel has been an adjustment on many levels... a new school... a new housing situation... a new country... and way too many opinions and expectations. What is suitable for Ben Yehuda is no wheres near appropriate for Meah Shearim... and they are only a few blocks away! It's a lot to try and understand.

I have been here for a month almost. In that time I have spent many, many shekalim, collected a nice amount of maavers (bus passes), used one cartisiya,  been to several neighborhoods in Yerushalayim (Beit Hakerem, Bayit Vegan, Har Nof, Sanhedria, Rechavia, Geula, Meah Shearim, Kiryat Belz/Sanz, Ben Yehuda, Old City, Kotel), traveled outside of Yerushalayim, and gone on the light rail more times than I can count. One month, and it feels like a lifetime.

It's Yom Kippur on Shabbos. I can't say I am ready for it. I don't even think I am fully aware of the awesomeness of the day.. yet, I am prepared to go to davening and tell HK"BH that I want to live... I want to be inscribed for life... I hope He agrees.

Gmar Chasima Tova

 

(By the way, did you guess the song?)

 

 

City Streets and Catching Up

Walk through these streets... I don't think I have ever seen a painting so colorful... heard a song so lively and loud... smelled an aroma so deep and inviting...

Ah, the streets of Yerushalayim... I am amazed, shocked and amused every time I walk the streets, get on a bus or board the now functioning Light Rail (a life saver for poor Seminary students... its currently free!)

I have spent a good part of my time here so far wandering the streets, lost in my own thoughts, admiring the different people and sites. The other day I got lost going to the Kotel (Don't laugh) and ended up between two churches in the orange glow of the street lights at night... when the church bells tolled the time, and all I could do was laugh at myself...

I have been to the Kotel in the morning, just as the day is beginning... the world feels fresh and new... and the calm at the Kotel square feels just like home. The afternoon hustle and bustle makes me edgy and the heat as the sun sets on the wall always burns... but night- now that is an experience. You can almost feel the urge and the need, the want and the desperation to be next to the wall... to simply pray and talk to G-d... or to unburden a whole day or week's worth of pain and frustration...

Every time I go out I feel myself go on high alert- who will I see? What amusing event will happen? The world seems so much smaller in Yerushalayim... it's comforting and confusing all at the same time.

Rosh Hashana was pleasent... I stayed with my cousins near Modiin. They live in a Yishuv where there is every kind of person- from shorts and tshirts to curly payos and sheitels... In a moment of bravery, I asked to have the fish eye... of course, the moment it landed on my plate in all it's jelly, gooey glory I lost my sense of adventure... At least I tried :)

I have been in Israel for almost a month and have fallen in love with life here... sure, it's not as cushy as America and I feel the strain of living as my own person, it's still incredible and I am extremely blessed to have the chance to learn here.

It's a new year... I can't wait to find out what's in store...

Wake Up!

Life is a series of beginnings and endings. The end of a pregnancy begins a new life. The end of being single begins a new marriage. The end of one grade begins another. And the reverse hold true also. Dr. Seuss wrote: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And I'd like to add: Laugh because something new is going to happen. One year's ending is a new year's beginning. And retrospectively, we try to understand, make sense of and calculate our past actions. Rosh Hashana... we focus so much on rectifying the past, cleaning our slate instead of being michadesh this new month, this new year! Instead of being filled with guilt, we should be filled with hope and promise! We have such a fabulous opportunity in our midst! Why should we wallow in our filth and mistakes of the previous year? That's foolish! Instead of crying over the friends we hurt and the teachers we mistreated, we should take that brave step and renew them... or, as Hashem does with us- Anew them. When you think about it, on Rosh Hashana Hashem isn't deciding our verdict based on our past... he just deciding based on our future! Are we worthy of being created anew...? This is what Hashem wants to know. Not if you are going to end... but if you are going to begin! Hayom Haras Olam... today is the birthday of the world... A birthday? A beginning! A celebration! And Hashem wants to invite you to this gala event! He wants to feed you delicacies and shower you with gifts! He wants you to dance! To sing! Rosh Hashana is a Yom Tov! A good day! Why do we go into these days of awe like a mourner at a levaya? This isn't your funeral! It's your party! These aren't days of mourning! They are days of MORNING! A sunrise! A new beginning! How fitting that we recite Modeh Ani each morning and Vidui during these upcoming days... The words, so closely related, are so appropriate both in their relationship and in their inherent meaning...

Rosh Hashana is less than 48 hours away. Hashem doesn't want us to wake up to recite Vidui with sorrow... but to recite Vidui with joy just as we would recite Modeh Ani each morning! Hashem isn't going to ask us, "why are you such a sinner?" He's going to ask, "Will you do everything you can this coming year to refrain from sinning? Will you do everything you can to become closer to Me this year? Will you love me this year?"

So... it's almost Rosh Hashana... Instead of feeling depressed and scared... instead of feeling black and disgusting.... instead of feeling like a loser, WAKE UP! Open your eyes! Recite Vidui like you would recite Modeh Ani! Say it with excitement, enthusiasm and JOY! THIS IS YOUR PARTY! It's the birthday of the world-- and YOU are invited to the celebration! Dance! Sing! Show Hashem that you want life! That you want to live! Celebrate your new beginning as if your life depends on it! Because my friend... it does.

 

Countdown

It's time to look back

To analyze each lack

Every mistake we tried to forget

Comes back with a fury

And burns with regret

 

Did I say that?

What did I do?

Did I make a mistake?

Was I wicked and untrue?

 

Less than a week

To introspect and understand

All the things that occurred

By my own misled hand

The choices I made

The words that won't fade

And the things I wish I could erase

 

Can it be that a whole year

Has gone by so fast?

And all of those memories of the past

Are returning and last?

Zachreinu

Remember pelase

V'Kasveinu

Inscribe me with ease

B'Sefer HaChaim

It's all I ask

 

 

Inner Fireworks

There is a lot riding on this moment. Did you know? This second has the potential for greatness... or for failure. There is so much invested into this second-- love, emotion, money, hope... So are you going to let it fall? Or are you going to utilize this moment?

Modeh Ani Lifanecha Melech Chai V'kayam She'hechazarta Bi Nishmasi... I am thankful to you Hashem for giving me my neshama back each morning, jam packed with hundreds of moments, fireworks of potential, just waiting to burst forth! And as the day goes on, they start to lose their power, they grow dim and fizzle out... and then, at night, we go to sleep, close our eyes and G-d recharges us, hoping we will awake in the morning and explode with good things from the incredible fire He has ignited within us.

It's a troubling thought... it can be the reason why we feel so motivated when we are inspired... but then fall flat when we don't act on inspiration. it's difficult to grasp and to put into reality because unless we use each moment, it dies.

This year, my year, my chance to be selfish, my year to just think about me... there is a lot of pressure riding on it. Will I waste my moments here in the holiest land, $20,000 and my own expectations? Will the hopes of my teachers, friends, family and myself die out simply beacuse I didn't stoke the fire and keep it burning strong? It's only slightly frightening...

I have been here for less than two weeks. In that time, I have been to the Kotel four times and each time I feel renewed (and drained from the buses). I have witnessed sights that have tickled my thoughts and pulled at my heart... But can each adventure and each day keep me going with enough sparks, to create fireworks within myself? To keep burning strong? Here's to finding out....

Jingle

She sits...

Worn, spotted, aged skin...

She waits... patiently... each day...

If only today... let it be today...

Layers and layers

A small way to hide...

Her shame...

But it embodies...

Her hope...

"Tzedaka removes the evil decree"

She holds out her cup

In her wrinkled hands

And jingles the few coins she already has

Waiting, waiting

"Help me..."
Just a few more... and maybe

I won't be hungry tonight...

And I?

I see her... and the others...

And all I can do...

Is try not to cry...

Building Blocks

Take a walk through this neighborhood

That barely stood a decade ago

Now it is a thriving community

And one look gives you all there is to show

 

Stone houses, built up so high

Children running, barely shy

Communal caring, unlike any other

Where one looks out for sister or brother

 

It's hard to believe

That this is mostly brand new

Built by dedicated hands

For the sake of each Jew

 

And now I come in

To see the hard work that was done

And turned this barren desert

Into a home of love and fun

 

A Yishuv, built from distinct building blocks

Constantly growing, around the clocks

Beating time that said, "No way!"

Is now a community that will not sway.

The Second Visit

How many times during my Tefilos did I close my eyes really tight, block out all the noise, place my hands in the air in front of me, and envision myself in front of the Kotel? Countless times, if I even tried keeping track. Finally, after months, and years of waiting, I made it there. I won't tell you about my first visit- the rush and chaos of trying to get over 100 girls to tear kriah, say a few words of Tefilla, and move along, all in the midst of tour groups, an army ceremony and the regular Wall visitors, all the while, I was on the phone trying to coordinate with my cousin how to get me my linen...
My second visit... that was glorious. After a rather unrestful night, me and three friends hopped into a monitto the Kotel at around 6 in the morning. We got there as the sun was coming up. The Kotel square was mostly clear and we were able to go right up next to the wall. In just a few moments, the words of Shacharis came pouring forth... I felt like there weren't enough words in Tefilla to encompass all the things I felt at that moment, all the words I wanted to say... the connection I wanted to make. I placed my hands on the smooth stones -- a shock, because I thought they would be rough... only to realize that the rain and tears must have smoothed them-- and just... breathed. I looked up towards the top of the wall. I felt so small, yet so important. After I finished Shacharis, I wasn't done. My heart was beating so fast... I just had to keep talking to Hashem. I started saying Tehillem.... After several Kapitlach, I felt mildly satiated... The desire, the burning desire to say more, to build the connection was cooled, albeit momentarily until my next visit. After years of waiting, I finally understood the connection and desire that others felt and yearned for. Women kept coming up next to me, rushed and excited, sobbing. They would kiss the stones, let their tears fall, say a few words of Tefilla and hurry off... They are so safe in their connection that a few moments is all they need...
Being here less than two weeks, my mind has been spinning with images and words. The stories and lives that walk the streets... it makes me feel even smaller.... But if feeling small means living in this gorgeous land, it's worth it.

Welcome Home

After taking a blogging break, I am back and Baruch Hashem, posting from Israel! I hope to use these posts to bring some insights and my own perspectives on living in the Holy Land.

 

As always, questions and comments can be sent to rachellidreyfuss@gmail.com. I will be posting as often as I can, but won't be able to check comments so frequently. If there is a pressing matter, please email me. Additionally, if you have any requests/tefilos that you would like said on your behalf at the Kotel, please email me, as I go at least once a week, sometimes more.

 

Regards from Israel,

 

RD

Tears of Laughter

I hold back tears
As exposed fears
Become dreams and wishes
Hopes and prayers
Sent up in flight
Soaring through uninhibited souls
Like free fireflies in the night...

Forgetting about the chemo
The hair loss
The surgeries and permanent scars
There is a way to overcome
Every challenge you face
You will succeed and stand...

"What's your syndrome called?"
However you spell it
They all stand for strength
And fearless determination
Something to laugh about
And fight
Power and courage
You hold it all

Laughter and smiles
Shining through the clouds
And rainier days
Breaking through the pain
And troubling haze
There is a light

I keep holding back tears
I've learned to laugh in the face
Of illness and sadness
Because that which may bring you down
Is that which can help you
To stand tall
Build towers
And break down walls

Waiting

It's coming...
It's almost here...
You've been waiting...
Patiently,
So patient,
You have been...
Even though...
You don't know...
When it's coming...
Just keep...
Waiting...
And it will be...
So glorious...
So incredible..
It's almost here...
Whatever you've been waiting for...

Sing

Fragility
An inevitability
The uncertainty
In life
Flashing before our eyes
Still, do we realize
The preciousness of a moment
The value of a second
The incredible weigh
Of each minute we are given?

Watching illness...
Sickness... Death...
I can only hope to
Grab onto another moment of life
A smile, a laugh, a song...
Pain is real...
So is happiness.

I don't understand why
A little boy had to die
His soul was severed
And to the heavens he will fly.

I don't understand why
A whole nation has to cry
Over the loss of a child,
Who was at the height of life.

I don't understand why G-d
You let a man commit murder
And how all of our pain
Went one step further.

I don't understand
Cuz if I did, I'd be G-d
And then I'd have to remain
And not be able to explain
To a people why
A child was maimed.

I don't understand
And I'm glad that I can't
Cuz being G-d
Is a weight I cannot carry.

I cannot fathom how a thing like this could happen. How one Yid could murder another so brutally... how a child could be killed so young... how a people must yet again suffer a terrible blow...
Hashem... this is Your plan, and that is the only thing I can accept... Why you let him be killed... I don't know...
Leiby, your beautiful neshama should have an aliyah and your murder should be avenged...


RIGHT NOW: 11:00am Conference call at with Dr. Norman Blumenthal: How to speak to children to help them process tragedy. PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONE. (209) 647-1600 access code: 236682

Once

I once believed
And was rudely deceived.

I once had hope
Now I can barely cope.

I once knew
Until I lost you.

I held onto a dream
That split at its seams.

I once thought I knew it all
And now I get to watch it all fall.

Staying Awake

I'll sleep when I die
I'm not ready to say goodbye
Let the moon accompany me
And the stars sit by my side
My eyes are staying open wide
I want to see the world
Experience each moment in time
To take all the seconds
And make each one mine.

Words fly off the page
With wisdom for the age
I want to soak in each word
Let my voice be heard
Singing songs of strength and power
Until my final hour
And only until that time comes
Will I admit I'm done
And so
I'll sleep when I die
Because I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Reject

I hit my head
To shake off the dust
The dirt and grime
Of too many years
Trapped inside old walls.

I kicked away the prison cell
To let the light in
Glimmering and sparkles filled
Every corner of my sight
And suddenly
I could see.

I banished all traces
Of rejection and judgement
Leaving only acceptance
And love
The things I used to hide under.
My prison wall

For how long could I be
Locked up
Within my own choices
And decisions to push away the rest
When all I needed to do
Was learn to take them in.

Film

The final showing
Of the biggest show
You are the star
Oh, you didn't know?
All your deeds
Meticulously recorded
Every detail
Filmed and sorted.
Seen before
An audience up high
Enemies and friends
Watching wide-eyed.
Smile wide
You're the star
I wonder if
You were up to par.

'Nuff Said

Story of my life....

Magic

Show me a trick
Can you perform a show
You may think that's magic
But how little you know.

Puffs of smoke
And sparkles in the air
For a waving wand
I have little care.

It's not about the cards
Or the rabbit in the hat
There is magic out there
Far more fascinating than that.

If you look beyond the glamour
And all that glitters and shine
You will discover a type of magic
That is an exclusive find.

It's a spark that ignites
Between special souls and friends
That is burning strong
And doesn't end

It is a spell that is spoken
When different children with different abilities
Are as free as a performing
Swinging on a high trapeze

Magic, that you must experience
In order to know
Spreads its shine
And creates an endless glow.

Young

Do you want... for your child to love...
Giving...
Sharing...
Understanding...
Loving...
?

Do you want... for your child to...
Care for others...
Amuse others...
Enlighten others...
Change others...
?

Do you want... for your child to be...
A role model...
Admired...
Respected...
Loved...
?

Then...
Start them young...
Teach them young...
Educate them young...
It's all about..
When they are young...

Red-Handed

I caught you
Talking about me
When you didn't think
I was in the vicinity.

You said, "It's awkward,"
But really, I'm not mad,
Cuz what you said,
Made me sort of glad.

With all this struggle
It's nice to know someone is on my side
Because I didn't want things like this
Where I want to run and hide.

Perhaps it wasn't right
That I was the topic of your conversation
But what it comes down to
Is a matter of dedication

Escape

Running
For nothing
Everything.

Pounding
Cement and asphalt
Miles gone.

Chased
Or pursuing
Leaving you in the dust.

Burning
The sun on my neck
Red-faced and sweating.

Sticking
To the wicking shirt
Overheated.

Dripping
Energy drinks, water
Splashed, stained.

Aching
Shoulders to my toes
One more mile...

I don't care about the time
I care about crossing the finish line
Standing tall, or on my knees.

Nothing can stop me.
This is my moment.
My marathon.

Run when you can.
Walk if you have to.
Crawl if you must
But never, ever give up.

Please, Acceptance, and More

Glee - 118 - Pure Imagination
 
(Listen to this to get a feel of what this post is talking about...)

I have been going since nearly eight this morning... Put nearly 75 miles on the car in one day, and stayed within state limits. Spent over fifty dollars... (Got some fun stuff!)
But a few ideas in my head...

Do you have some spare time? Are you looking for ways to fill your day? Please make the effort to do a cheesed. For yourself, for a friend, for a stranger. There are so many areas where you can donate your time, and to so many worthy causes. To name a few... Chai Lifeline, Yachad, Ohel, Yad Eliezer, A Time, Gemach (Gown, chairs... endless really), Bikur Cholim, Misameach Chosson V'Kallah... (It's been a long day and the list is so much longer... one day I'll add more with links... but for now, Google-ing it shall suffice :) )

I was visiting one of my "families" today. They are Jewish but not Shomer Shabbos (don't keep full kosher). And while I was there, the mother offered me a drink. Initially I thought about the kashrus issue but I didn't mind a glass of water, but I had a water bottle so it didn't matter. But then she said, "if I put it in a red plastic cup, then you can have, right?" No judging, or strange treatment. Totally normal, and she totally understood. We're different... but, we're still the same... Kinda cool.

Lastly... do more. The world needs you to do more. To stand up for what you believe in. To make a change. To make a difference. And you may not think you can, but the littlest thing can have a huge impact, a ripple effect, and make a difference.

So, stop reading blogs and go do something... then come back and tell me what it was... and see the difference you make.

Blackout

What's a blood donation without a story to go with it?

I was supposed to give blood a few weeks ago, after being hounded by the Red Cross. Instead, I pushed it off til today. I walked in the mild heat to the donation site, went through the preliminaries feeling fine then laid down the give blood.

About three quarters through my donation, the lady asked, "how are you feeling?" I responded, "fine." Then, a few moments later, I leaned farther down on the bed, and the lady repeated her question. I responded, as a haze descended over my eyes, "There I go..." and passed out.

It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds but in that time, I had the deepest sleep and a dream (if only I could remember) only to wake up to a beeping noise and people staring over me. I began trembling and shaking and breathing rapidly. Not to mention the pool of sweat. Yum.

A lady was telling me it would be ok and offering me juice. Although the donation was at a shul and the rabbi had given blood earlier, I still asked if the juice was kosher. (I had a different experience where it wasn't and I was supremely peeved.) Anyhow, they finished the donation and I was slick with sweat and feeling dizzy. I made it to the refreshment table and took two bites of a cookie when I put my head down and a lady guided me to a bed.

I laid down for a few minutes until my mother came to pick me up.

And now, more than five hours later I am sitting in bed, fighting off the heaviness in my head and writing this post.

For a first blackout it was rather exciting and (?) exhilarating, but most certainly not worth the Carvel ice cream my mother bought me after the donation when we went to the mall.

It was still yummy though.

Power

Power does not consist in striking hard or often, but in striking true.


The whip is in your hand
You can call the shots
Watch as you deal another blow
And someone you love drops.

Take this staff
And beat until you get what you want
Your menacing presence
Is worst than any cruel name or taunt.

Beaten into subservience
Did things turn out the way you thought
You were the victor
Even though I ask "who fought?"

But when I needed you most
And you held me in you arms
Spoke soft and sweet
And resisted all harms

Your impact was far more effective
Then any slap you gave me
And sometimes I wish we could return
To how it's meant to be.

Systematic

I should have it figured out by now...
I become friends with someone, generally a few years older than me. We are closer than close at the beginning, shmoozing, calling, hanging out. It's great. Then we both get busy as real life comes around... and then there is the Silent period.
I, being younger, have other obligations. And she, being older, has her obligations. Then, I notice I miss her... we reconnect... but she is tired... it's rushed...
Then, the happy news. Engaged!
I shouldn't be shocked. Deep down, I know it's coming. It's not hard to see a huge train, covered in balloons, coming toward you. It's big, obvious and exciting.
But, I scream, I say Mazel Tov, I stop breathing for a second...
When my first "older friend" got engaged, I literally had a panic attack. I couldn't control my breathing, had to put my head between my knees. It was intense. Then, it became a more regular occurrence. I am still excited, happy for my friends...
As one friend put it, "Happy for her, sad for me." Cuz I am losing a friend. And some would argue, "No, that's not true!" But the friendship certainly isn't the same. I am not upset about it (after a few minutes). I accept it, try to keep up as best as I (and she) can, and carry on.
But then I think about the friendship we had... what more we could have had... and I kick myself each time that I didn't call more, visit more...
It's a system that I have fallen into, it's calculated and repetitious... Yet somehow I haven't quite caught on.

Mazel Tov! I am truly happy for you. I am so happy for the visits I could make, for the phone calls, video chats and jokes. Thanks for being you, funny, kind and sweet. You taught me a lot. Mazel Tov.

Cycles

Derailed
Left the trail
The system failed
And he bailed.

Misused
Abused
Stained and bruised
Nothing left to lose

Midnight pain
What more is there to gain?
A pawn in the game
Of sorrow and shame.

He lost fate
Was unable to create
And didn't care to wait
He fought, argued and debated

Another misfit?
On his own quit?
Are we unable to admit
That perhaps we caused the split?

Mistakes made
Debts paid
Roads paved
Lives saved.

Quiet

Hush
Just stop your chatter
And leave your scatter
For when the sun
Has newly begun
And the moon isn't awaiting your arrival

Just hush
All the thoughts that are racing
Because you can't keep yourself pacing
And your mind goes a mile a minute
Because for some reason you can't control it
And the hours slowly tick by

Please keep quiet
I can't bear another minute awake
And how much more of this can I take
Heart palpitations while I need sleep
Sweats and shakes when I want to drift into the deep
Of not being aware

Silence, I beg
My eyes can't remain shut
And another precious hour is cut
The glow of my clock
Reminds me of where I am not
And how badly I need to be

Just... hush...
I am a prisoner to
The choices I make and things I do
That seek to haunt
At absurd hours and taunt
And all I can do is hope for an end.

Hunger

Midnight hunger pains
Early morning shots in the stomach
Hungry... so hungry...
What can satiate
This thirst
This burning emptiness...
What flavor will quench my desire
And cover my palate in delight...
I take a bite
The pain is lessened
Masked with transparent comfort
Momentary safety
A meal is swallowed
Yet the hunger won't go away.
I am hungry,
So hungry.
Food does not fill me
Drink does not console me
Because the emptiness I feel within
Clearly reflects the even deeper emptiness within
Paired with the silence
Of the news longed to be heard

Insomnia

The half past hour
Before unsettling insomnia
And  restless desire
Turn into
Unwanted thoughts
That turn honest men
To liars.

Moon hung low
As sun rises
No wonders, or surprises
Just the world in its rawest
If you can remove the tired
To see the flawless
Maybe you can save your soul.

Vegan for a Week II and III

Monday was worse than Sunday. Being in school, especially during a stressful week of tests did not bode well for my meat-starved, milk-product-craving body. I was tense and irritated all day. My friends tried to pull me out of my self-made promise to remain vegan.         

            “Just have some chocolate! You look like a junkie without his drugs,” they protested.

            “No… I can do it,” I replied weakly. A diet of gluten-free tofu noodles, sauce and too much fruit was not cutting it for me and I was feeling awful.

            It didn’t help matters that my class was having an ice cream party for a Siyum. Or that it was a school-wide lunch program, complete with fresh cooked lasagna. The smell of too much cheese was making me salivate profusely.

            “Um… Rachelli… you’re leaking,” my friend pointed out. Oops.

            I went home that day feeling too tired and too annoyed to do anything. I went to sleep early, hoping sleep would put an end to the angry grumbles coming from my stomach. No such luck

            I had dreams about sitting in a restaurant with juicy, dripping steaks all around me. I woke up with a soaked pillow.

            Ew.

Tuesday wasn’t much better. My breakfast was an apple and three gluten-free, lactose-free, egg-free, ultimately, vegan cookie. Yum, delish. Upon arriving to school I realized I had left my lunch at home. And just my luck, Tuesday is pizza day in school, with the stench of cheese and sauce wafting through the halls as girls carry their plates of oily pizza to their lunchtime spot. Could life be any crueler? At that point, I wanted to stop. To end the whole week of being a vegan and just give up.

It’s too hard. I am too hungry. I WANT meat! Never mind the PETA people- they are all so angry because they DON’T eat meat. Makes ‘em feisty. Cholent is good for the soul.

And it’s not just the meat- ice cream is an integral part of any diet… and chocolate- who doesn’t like good ‘ol milk chocolate? Parve chocolate is great, but I miss Hershey’s and Kisses and M&M’s. Call me a weakling. Call me pathetic. I like meat. I like chocolate. Vegan is NOT my thing.

I was ready to throw in the towel. I knew a friend who had chocolate in her locker. I opened the door and grabbed the bag. Just inches from my mouth, I was suddenly knocked over.

            “What are you doing?!” someone yelled. I curled up on the floor and held myself. So close… so close…. “You can’t give up yet!” I looked up and growled at her.

            Three days down… Four to go. Heaven help us all.

                                        

Defying Gravity

One of the beauties of Yiddishkeit (and a principle in Chassidus that I recently learned about) is the ability to take the good from the bad. To elevate that which is mundane to something pure, holy and beautiful.

Sometimes it's a stretch, sometimes it's debatable, but if you look for beauty, you'll see it. That being said, I was in the car today driving with some friends and we were listening to Wicked. For those of you who haven't heard/seen Wicked, you are missing out. The story is a bit sketchy, but the music is stunning and profound. Below are the lyrics to what I feel is a song that most people need to sing daily.

It's time to try 

Defying gravity 

I think I'll try 

Defying gravity 

And you can't pull me down!...

I'm through accepting limits

cause someone says they're so 

Some things I cannot change 

But till I try, I'll never know! 

Too long I've been afraid of 

Losing love I guess I've lost.

How often are we told "You can't," "It's not possible, don't try?" Do you realize how much of the world would be different if someone didn't swim against the tide and try the impossible? This past Shabbos in shul, my Rabbi was addressing the graduates of the congregation. He said, never stop being idealistic. Dream big. Don't let people tell you "you can't" stop you. Because if you do, you might never be the person you are destined to be. Sometimes, it seems impossible, but you have try defying gravity. Whoever said "it's impossible" never tried hard enough. (With the exception of nailing jell-o to a tree.)

Vegan for a Week I

Vegan for a Week

When I announced to my family at Tuesday night’s Leftover Dinner, that I decided to become vegan for a week, the room went silent, then erupted in laughter. Stunned, I protested that I could do it.

            “You do realize that you attack the cholent at Kiddush at shul and constantly crave meant? You couldn’t do it,” my sister stated arrogantly. I glared at her, and then shoveled a piece of brisket, covered in ketchup into my mouth.

            “You said that the smell of the grilling London Broil made you nearly pass out it smelled so good,” my mother remarked. I took a drink of water.

            “And that means no ice cream,” my sister said. “Or milk in your coffee.”

            “It’s one week. I so can do it.” I was determined.

            Sunday, day one, finally arrived. I hopped out of bed, excited for my new challenge. I went downstairs for breakfast and scanned the pantry. Cereal… can’t have milk with it… peanut butter… on a spoon. Yum. Oatmeal… yuck. I turned to the fridge. Eggs? Nope… milk? Not allowed. I grabbed a banana and a glass of water.

            “How’s it going so far?” my sister asked, her left eyebrow slightly raised in amusement.

            “Jwust faboolos,” I responded, mouth full of banana mush. I took a drink of water, finished the yellow fruit and left the kitchen.

            One meal down. A long way to go…

Celebrate Israel Parade

Click the link below for LIVE COVERAGE of the Israel Day Parade in New York!

http://salutetoisrael.com/parade/webcast.php

Photo by: Chaim Schvarcz

Pajamas

A friend once told me of something she and her friends did when they walked around on Shabbos. When they passed by someone, they would mumble "pajamas," and see if anyone caught on. After all, Gut Shabbos/G'Shabbos and Pajamas sound alike, right? One person caught in. Smiles :)

When I was walking this Shabbos I passed by someone. He was on the sidewalk and I moved to the street. I didn't greet him and he didn't greet me. Ensue a rant inside my head "What if he thinks I am rude? Isn't it bad for shidduchim? What if I said hi? Would he think I am too friendly?"

Sounds a little hysterical, but that leads me to wonder.

What's the right thing to do?

If I say hi first will he think I am overfriendly and flirtatious? (Having been accused of this before in other situations, I try to be careful...) And if he doesn't respond, how much worse!

So I compiled a list of what I deem to be appropriate Shabbos greeting etiquette.

1.     If it is a single male, I wait for him to say Good Shabbos first, and will respond if he greets me.

2.     If it is female/group of females, I will say Good Shabbos. Especially if I know them

3.     If it is a husband and wife, I will say Good Shabbos.

4.     If it is a group of males, I will most likely not say Good Shabbos, but if they do, then I will greet them.

Walking down the street with all this in mind gets complicated. I don’t like being rude. I am a friendly person, I do like schmoozing with people, but I don’t want to cross any boundaries or offend anyone. And I certainly don’t want to ruin any shidduch prospects.

What do you think?

Post Sabbatical Salutations!

Parade

It's a day
A moment
A fleeting second...

It was a triumph
A victory
A new beginning.

There was a tear
A still sound
A celebration.

There is a promise
A dream
A future

We stood hand in hand
We danced as one
We were united.

(Photo taken by: Chaim Schvarcz)

Nature

The beauty of nature is,
That it never stays the same.
A blowing wind,
Changes the scene
The rays of the sun,
Give new definition to what's underneath.
And each changing season
Leaves a new interpertation to be (mis)understood.
The turning world
In the slowest of motions

Opens our eyes to new notions

About what seems natural

And that nothing is as it seems

The world changes instantly, rapidly and repeatedly.

Don't blink.

Our Heart...

לבי במזרח ואנכי בסוף מערב 





Jerusalem, you're always on my mind, since the day I left you behind... but i can feel you in my heart, though we're six thousand miles apart....