Sunday, October 19, 2014

If My Heart...

If my heart were a field
It would be filled with holes
Exploded mines
And trenches dug
For safety
For prayer
For no one can enter this war zone
Without whispering to G-d
For some measure of protection....
If my heart were a field
It would be a testimony
To the distance I have traveled
To the travels that have worn me thin
To those I met along the way
Who had no qualms
About digging a hole of their own
To relax in
While I wonder
Who is gonna clean up this mess
If my heart were a field
I would surround it
In barbed wire
And electric fences
Because I am sick and tired
Of having to mend this field
Soaked with blood
Sowed with tears
Waiting for the harvest
So that I can reap from the destruction.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Challenge of Emuna

I.
You sent me
Into the cold
The heat
The elements
Of wind
Rain and storm
To sit in peace
And solitude
In happiness
And peace
With the knowledge
That you will shelter me
And keep me safe
From harm
I am your faithful servant
Your beloved child
I trust in your choices
Your decisions
And I will rejoice
In that acceptance.


II.
How could you
Take away
My safety
And security
How can you
Expect me
To feel safe
When the roof above my head
Is about to blow away
And the walls around me
Are waving in the slightest breeze
How could my father
Remove me from my home
Take away my comfort
And yet
You want me to trust
To believe
To rejoice?
This tragic hut
Will float away
In my tears of abandonment
Because you left me alone

III.
I don't understand
Why you threw me into the cold
Took away the one I loved
Removed my one source of joy
I feel challenged in my belief
And question the decisions you have made for me
I try
With pathetic attempts
To make sense of the senseless
To rearrange the pieces of my heart
And rewire the dysfunction of my brain
To find a place in my soul
Where you belong
And can help me on my journey
To happiness
This is the first of my journey
I have two more attempts
On my feeble feet
To come closer
And with each step
I hope to reach full acceptance
Of every challenge
With happiness and love.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Disappointment

Pile on the disappointment
Sprinkle it with pain
Mix in some misery
And add a dash of depression
Stir it up nice
Add some sadness spice
A recipe for
Heartache
Heart break
I never
Though
I could feel this way.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Make this hurt
Go away
This ache inside
Consumes me
Exhume me
Of this pain
This heart drowns me
But if I could
I would swim to the depths
Just for you
To admit
How you really feel
But until them
Its like ripping open wounds
That never got to heal
I think I enjoy the pain
Because it means you are still apart
Of this broken life
This bleeding heart
Has pulled me under the tide
And beneath these waves
I hide
In choking gasps
I wish you to be my air

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Looking Towards the New Year

It is always disheartening to come down from the high of Yom Kippur. This year, perhaps more than others, felt more meaningful... I no longer felt as anxious about not eating, or as jittery about the time passing faster. It was just a blissful day of talking to G-d, knowing He was listening to me, and acknowledging my deep desire to be better. Sometimes we apologize to someone and as the words, "I'm sorry," come off our lips we can see they have tuned us out. They have been hurt too deeply to even consider be consoled by two such silly words... I'm sorry...
But G-d? He is different... He waits, and waits, and waits so patiently for us to give an inkling of an apology and then he pushes the door open all the way. He invites us in with a hug, and a kiss. G-d isn't blinded by His emotions. He is overcome with love for us and cannot hold back how happy He is that we have acknowledged our shortcomings but want to better.
Pretty amazing...

On another note, my method of making it through Yom Kippur without agonizing over my lack of coffee or the bagels that awaited me was this...
We don't eat in order to become holy spiritual  beings... we are already holy spiritual beings and therefore do not need to eat.

A Gut Gebentched Yuhr. May we all have a year of goodness, life, laughter, love and success.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Panic

The culmination of a year of success and failures, trials and triumph and happiness and sadness is finally upon us. I tend to wake up the mornings of Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur with this lump in my throat and a paralyzing grasp squeezing my heart.
This is it.
This is the end.
Everything I tried to achieve this year, every test I passed or fail is going to be scrutinized and judged.
Now, I am very aware of my shortcomings. I know that I made mistakes this year. A LOT of them. I made bad choices, bad friends and royally messed up in many ways.
But, at the same time, I am not so humble that I cannot acknowledge the areas in which I succeed. The mentors I became close with, the inspiration I gleaned from the most mundane, and all of my personal achievements and successes. I can visualize my scale in the sky as every action, word and deed line up to be sorted onto the side of good and onto the side of bad. 
"Next up, that time that Rachelli took her 'little sister' to the doctor when her parents had a busy schedule.... and its good!"
Phew. At least I know I have a few things in my favor.
"And now we have that night that Rachelli hung out with a less than savory crowd... That doesn't look too great..."
Luckily, I think I redeemed myself by leaving before things got too messy.
But there it will be, the positives and negatives and everything in between. I imagine Hashem looking over my profile trying to determine if I am worthy of another year of precious life. But thankfully, He also looks at where I am now. Now. Now. In the present. In the moment. Past and future notwithstanding, I am judged for the very instant where I commit myself to making better choices, doing my good, collecting more inspiration and coming closer to G-d. And that's what I want. That's what I have always wanted.
Life is funny in that we know what is the right choice, the right way, the right everything... but we get lost, misguided, confused and forget where we need to be going. 
I saw a quote that about sums this up.... How can the destination be so clear yet we're all so uncertain where we're headed?
We know where we need to be going, but the way to get there is messy, confusing, glorious, joyful, sad, difficult, painful, troubling, beautiful, inspiring and everything else that comes along with this journey we call life.
בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך בה מוליכין אותו
The way in which I want my life to go, that is the direction I will follow.
Tonight at 6:27 pm, and for the 25 hours following, I will state my mission statement for the year to come. I choose a life of meaning, of happiness, of inspiration and purpose. I choose a life worth living, a life I can be proud of and a life that Hashem can be proud of.

Gmar Tov. May we all be inscribed for a year of life, happiness and closeness with the Ribono Shalom. May all of our prayers for ourselves and for Klal Yisroel be answered L'Tova. May this be the year we experience the coming of Moshiach and the final Geula.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Repentence

It's been this way for a while now
Trying to make sense of the madness within
While pretending all is ok
If you saw me this way
Would I look like a storm
Or a rippling lake
It's incredible how strong I can be
When all I want to do is break
I have fought with my demons
And battle them still
In the attack at dawn
I can overcome with my will
But when those enemies of night
Come storming at my door
My strength and faith
Is wasted and poor
There is a certain security
In fighting when there is no chance of success
Because the odds are against me
I can revel in this mess
I'll clean it when the sun rises
There are so many surprises
When I have lost all hope
I believe in second chances
I believe I can try again
Because as the sun sets for the end
It is rising where the world bends.

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