Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I Awoke When September Ended

And So September Ends

I woke up this morning,
And everything just went wrong
I was like a singer
Losing the words to her song.

I felt exhausted and upset,
Like a deflated balloon
And the end of the day
Wasn't coming soon.

I smiled through the day
Just like I was told
Inside I felt empty,
My heart felt so cold

I dealt with people
I would rather just ignore
Trying to be nice with them
Is such a tedious chore

Every moment seems to drag on
For longer than needed
And when something good happens,
Its only a second, I feel so cheated

I come home,
Ready to explode from frustration
I can't speak with anyone
Or have a fluid conversation

Yet, I try
I push myself again
Because hopefully the results
Will come out better in the end

So, I smile again
Just where I should
I bury my hurt
As best as I could


With my shock and dismay
I found it could be done.
I can bury the pain
And have so much fun!


Laughing with friends
Is easy when you block the rest out
Finding the joy in each situation
Is what life is all about!

Another day awaits me
With trepidation, I come near,
All I need to do is smile,
And push away my fear.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Another Day

K, so today was just a really long day... trying to make it through another one... pushing myself to make it through is SO hard... I smiled in at all the right times, said all the right things, made plans for my nights yet... i still feel so empty, so listless and so lifeless, like what's the point?
I try to pick up as much as i can from my classes, but how can it really make an impact on me? I play the part so well, and its so hard!
My really good friends are a grade older, and are going to be leaving after this year, so i want to spend as much time with them as i can... but they have their friends, their plans and their lives... so i just sorta hang on the side... and my friends in my grade... well, i can barely stand most of my grade. they are so superficial, so immature, and turn everything into such a big deal....
Ok... so i got home... didnt help... some issues....
Anyhoo, here's a lil poem that expresses a lot of what i feel right now...

The Play

I’m standing behind the curtain,
It pulls apart for scene one,
Watch the stage closely,
The acting has just begun.

Smiles shine so brightly,
So blinding, they can’t be real,
You only see my costume,
You can’t even imagine how I feel.

I was born the play this part,
To pretend this is how it should be,
You think this is the truth?
You don’t even know the real me.

Hidden beneath layers of makeup,
I can put on quite a show,
I stand beneath a glare of hot lights,
Trying to embrace their harsh glow.

They only burn me,
The audiences eyes do the same,
They scrutinize me carefully,
Attempting to guess at my game.

Perhaps if you watch close enough,
You can see me where I make a mistake,
Maybe you’ll see me forget my lines,
Watch closely, I just may break.

I am an actress,
On the largest stage around
I’ve practiced this so carefully,
I know I’ve got it down.

Yet somehow every moment,
Leaves me gasping for air,
I pretend I'm not scared,
And perform each line with flair.

The curtain closes gracefully,
Act one has come to an end,
Hold on tight dear ones,
Come join for the next act around the bend,


The parts have been misplaced
The stage explodes with chaos
I try to keep my composure
No matter what the cost

Suddenly the sets are crumbling
All the props break apart
My beautiful production
Has become my shattered heart

There is nothing left
But a bare and empty stage
My well performed play
Has now become my prison cage.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Post Yom Kippur

BH my Yom Kippur was really nice. Spent the entire day in shul (Well yeah...)
Time for changes! There are so many things I want to/need to fix in my life... with friends, family, my own attitudes...

Change is good.
Right?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

In Honor of Yom Kippur

In less then 24 hours it will be Yom Kippur. We will stand before Hashem awaiting judgement. I;m scared... I don't know about you... actually terrified. I made a lot of mistakes this year and now i am going to have to take responsibility for them... I wrote this poem, just as a musing about the day that is coming... Hashem Yiracheim!

In Honor of Yom Kippur

A year of anxious waiting
Has led us again to this day
Where we try to adamantly,
To will our sins away.

Banging our hearts,
Shedding anguished tears,
We come before Avinu Malkeinu
With hearts of full fear.

Al Chait,
How many times can we sin,
Why does our one fateful enemy,
Have to continuously win?

Hashem, our Father,
Our Poweful King,
Hear our frightened hearts,
Call out and sing!

No longer are we people,
But angels cloaked in white,
Begging and beseeching,
Into the late hours of night.

Hashem, hear our prayers!
We beg of you to hear!
Our final judgment,
Is steadily descending near!

Trembling where we stand,
Hands shaking as we call out,
Hashem, we are you children
And servants, so devout.

The final shofar is blown,
We let our souls soar,
We are now resting in Your hands,
For one year more.

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