Monday, December 14, 2015

Dying Stars

"You can be dead inside and still shine, don't believe me? Just ask the stars." (VaZaki Nada)

Keep it together
Don't fall apart
Stay shine
Glow brighter
Don't let anyone know
You are dying inside
That they have taken everything
And left you empty
Wishing to be filled
Wishing to be full
All these lights
Mean nothing
If the darkness grows 
All consuming
Thick
Black
Darkness
But you have to smile
You have to push forward
Until
At the end of the battle
You find
You lost the war

Sunday, November 29, 2015

It Comes to This

It comes to this
Time to say
No more
I won't be 
Yours.
You have had me
At the push of a button
But I have had enough
Of being that girl
The one you call
Who always says yes
I can do
Better.
Better than you
Better than being used
So take your girl friday
And find another.

Friday, November 20, 2015

We and I are not an Island

We hear the news
See a tweet
Read a post
Watch a video
Hearts
Breaking
Slowly
But why
He is
A thousand miles away
We never met
We never spoke
Before today
I never knew his name
Yet
Geographical distance
Emotional separation
Never divides
A national connection
A communal responsibility
For him
For his family
His school
His community
So
We are all hurting
My little island
Has become
A state
A country
A world
We are all connected
We have built bridges to one another
We have found a way
To find each other
We
And I
Are not an island
We
Are
Never
Alone.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

My Judaism

My Judaism wants to be bright and beautiful; something filled with light and laughter

(My Judaism is tested too often that I feel dark and grey; I have little energy to keep trying)

My Judaism loves to hear the sound of a child singing Anim Zemiros, of little voices saying Shema with eyes covered; of clear and strong children chanting Torah after Rebbe.

(My Judaism has to believe that there are sick children for a reason, a reason too great and terrible for me to understand. My Judaism strives to find meaning in illness and light in dark places. But still, I struggle to understand why families move into the hospital, why poison is pumped like candy, but tastes like death and still, children die.)

My Judaism knows my prince is out there and that G-d will not let me be single forever.

(My Judaism doesn't get how the system we have marries people off when it feels so flawed and broke, but I continue to play into its trite demands.)

My Judaism believes in the power of unity, wishes to find connection where the chain is broken, and hopes to repair the cracks so many fall though.

(My Judaism knows we will all be together one day, happy, healthy and whole)

Saturday, November 7, 2015

My Judiasm: Sarah Tuttle Singer

I have been following Sarah's writings for a little while. She is feisty, and fierce. She speaks openly about her opinions, thoughts.... this one spoke to me. I don't neccessarily agree with everything she writes, but her raw honesty is so refreshing in a world where we taboo so much.



My Judaism is a wild dance, red wine on my lips, Uncle Robert on guitar, and AuntCaren on tambourine. My Judaism is my father bellowing the wrong words in Hebrew because he chose our tribe when my mom chose him, and he's still learning, and he will never give up.

(My Judaism is not afraid of failing, because I know I'll get it right some day. )

My Judaism chose not to be a mother at 19, to ask for help where she knew she would find it: And my Judaism is the rabbi who looked into my frightened eyes and said "anything you need."

(My Judaism accepts the past, makes peace with it, and moves ahead.)

My Judaism held my mother in her arms when she took her last breath, in the very bed where she nursed me when I was a baby. My Judaism screamed FUCK CANCER at the top of my lungs, then smashed a mirror, and tore her shirt.

(My Judaism will not say "blessed is the true judge," because cancer is bullshit, and my mom should still be alive. )

My Judaism is latkes and presents and spinning the dreidel, and being tucked safely into bed at night with the doll my parents got me for Hanukkah. My Judaism is guiding my daughter's hand when she lights the candles on Shabbat, it's pouring grape juice in a glass of my son so he can lead kiddush. It's sprinkling salt on challah, and breaking it for the three of us. My Judaism is imagining what's next, and how to make the world a better place.

(My Judaism is, and was, and will be. )

And for now, today, I'll drink more wine, and celebrate this sweet new week.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Alternate Options

He says he is done. No more. He won't do it. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And that's what he thinks is happening here. He is young. He is frustrated. He is trying to make sense of heart ache. His heart has been broken too many times. He has been tortured. Abused. This system chewed him up and spit him out. He is different. Looks different. Believes different. Dresses different. And because of that, now he wants to marry different. Different religion. This one just isn't working for him anymore.
And what can I say.
What can I do?
I am just as burnt out. I am just as angry and frustrated. My heart has been broken too many times to count (if you have been here long enough, you have read about it.)
So how can I tell him, that despite all the heartbreak, the hour-long dates ending in disappointment, the countless resumes that are just so wrong, there is still hope. I still believe. I believe that G-d will not let me remain single forever. Just long enough.
Can I tell him that the waiting sucks but it will be worthwhile? Can I tell him that if he marries someone who is not like him, at the fundamentals of his existence, that THAT will break my heart even more?
What can I tell him?

Friday, October 16, 2015

This Sinking Ship

Save us please
From this sinking ship
It has been raining for days
The earth has been soaked
Drenched
Flooded
The rivers
Have overflowed
There is a rising tide
And no where to hide
The world has wiped us away
And all that remains
Is this ship
Held up only by our faith
Which is being shaken
Hard
There are enemies
So cruel
So evil
Pure
Evil
And they are trying to tear us apart
Shoot holes in our hull
Bring us under the surface
Drown us
They have drowned us
In our tears
In our blood
They won't cease
Until we cease to exist
But You promised
40 days, 40 nights
And the flood would end
But can we last that long?
Give us a sign
Give us something to hold onto
Something to believe in
We believe
That there will be peace
That the world will return
To order and truth
You showed us your promise
Now end the waves of terror
End the floods of incitement and force
Return us to a world
Where your might is the only thing we fear
And Your power
Takes our breath away
A world
Where tears do not soak the earth
Rather they are only shed for happiness

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

It's Only Tuesday?

This has been the kind of week that makes you want to crawl under the covers, hit the rewind, restart, do-over, undo and escape button all at once.
Too much sad news. So many people getting hurt. So much heartache.
I couldn't sleep Motzei Shabbos. She was in my dreams. She was posing for pictures... if only I could have captured them. Her tznius, her beautiful face... what a special neshama. If only there was more I did or said.
And then the kind of news that makes you shudder and squirm. A classmate and a questionable substance. What was so bad that she thought drugs were the answer? Did she have no one to turn to?
And then... a kid...  I was supposed to meet her. People got busy. And now she is dead.
And to think, almost a year ago, G-d decided this would happen. In a sense, they were dead before they died because it would happen whether they tried to prevent or not, whether they made a different choice or not...
This world. This life. This crazy existences.
Makes you think twice, think long and hard about what you will say to G-d next week. What you will ask of Him.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Summer Heat

I lost my way this summer
I thought I had a plan
It was all mapped out
The way things went about
Like a train wreck
Fueled by rocket fuel
Lit on fire by a volcano
Crashed into by a plane
It was pretty ugly
Pretty awful
It felt like
Every wall was moving in
Every window shut tight
Doors locked
Lights off
Air
Sucked
Out
It was pretty awful
And when I felt like I couldn't breathe
When the room was spinning
And I was sliding into despair
I woke up today
And things
Aren't quite as bad as they were then
The summer
Is just a memory
And tomorrow
Is a mystery
That I am excited to uncover
So...
It was pretty awful
But it wasn't the end
It isn't over
I am not finished
So
Nice try haters
You can try to tie me down
But I'll get out
Get around
Make some noise
Make a sound
And break through my own silence

Sunday, August 9, 2015

I keep writing these words hoping one day I'll find the right ones to either bring you back or set me free

...
@Leo_Words

I have been trying to write
To find some way
To express
My anger
Anxiety
Apathy
Ache
Ache
I ache
Trying to write
Something
Some word
To capture
A spectrum of emotions
So wild
And wicked
So instead
I will bottle them up
Shake them
Til they burst
And maybe the words I need
Wi come forth.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Go back

If i could go back
And fix the mistakes I made
the words i said
i never
meant to hurt you
i wanted to be amazing
i wanted to create art
and design
i didn't give you a chance to 
learn the ropes
and develop the feel
instead
i went in for the kill
and now
im at a loss for words
have nothing 
left to say
because no words
no nothing
can fix this
please
i am sorry
forgive me
for
being a psycho
there are no excuses
but it is a nightmare in my head
i wish i had woken up sooner

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Journeys (From the Archives)

There are questions
And answers
My view of the skyline
Shows how we have triumphed
And my view from the sky
Shows our scars
The streets tangle into memories
That transverse time
And remind me
Of why the pain felt so good
And the joy felt so strong
It was a searing reminder
Of why life is so wonderful
Even when things go so wrong
The journey led me to strangers
Who eventually became family
When there was no one else
There was always you
And so when I draw my map
All roads will lead me home
Even if I miss the turn
I'll know that my compass points you
And will return me to where I left
And where I have dreamed of coming back to

Friday, July 31, 2015

Nachamu

The conflict of this poem is that I cannot find any peace or comfort in writing it. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. For the first time, I think I will publish an incomplete piece. And find comfort in my own short-comings.
For once.


Nachamu
From where
Will comfort come from
When all of our comforts
Have betrayed us
Batteries dead
Clothing torn
Food spoiled
Jobs lost
Hearts broken
Love lost
Lives take
Can we be comforted
When we feel so uncomfortable
My skin is wrong
I was born in the wrong body
My flesh is a prison
My mind, a locked door
Some imbalance holds they key
But somehow
Somehow
You will comfort me
The world
Has gone a little mad
Stabbings in the street
Distorted perception of love
But somehow
We shall be comforted
All the pain
That

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Take Me

Take me

Take all of me

You can have my heart

You can have my soul

Take my sorrow, take my pain

Take my yesterdays and tomorrow

I am a vessel, cracked and chipped

For without being broken

Where would the light shine through

Darkness exists

Simply to be illuminated

So illuminate me

So that I may be a light for others

Monday, July 6, 2015

Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean, Mean What You Feel

It's kind of frightening
To be so honest
To say the rawest of truths
No matter how cruel
Would you rather I sugar coat
And live obliviously
I want to feel like
In every painful moment
So that every moment of joy
Is that much stronger
More to savor
More to enjoy
I didn't expect to feel relieved
But I felt angry
That you had such power over me
To make me feel so inferior
But now
I am superior
And although what we had is lost
And it came at a heavy cost
No longer will I live in a lie
Or cry
Over a boy
Who couldn't bother to say goodbye.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Restart

It still scares me sometimes
How fine I feel
How everything is ok
And I am in a good place
And then
And then
I see your face
I hear your name
My heart stops short
*Press restart*
Start system in safe mode
I thought I felt safe
I thought I felt ok
But then it all comes back
Like a power surge
The years of wanting
And waiting
The crushing disappointment
I never thought I could cry
For something I never had
And never will

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Friday Afternoon

On a warm Friday afternoon
Long before the sun has set into a cool night
A group of people come together
And for a time, the world feels so right
There is a guitar or two
And men who feel their souls
They sing, they dance
As if they have clouds inside their soles
There is no weight in their heart
They can just embrace the day of rest
If every prayer could sound like this
Then the world would be so blessed
With every song, a new circle is formed
Their voices grow louder and stronger
For some it feels like eternity
But I wish this could go on longer
For just an hour or so
I feel like G-d is dancing here too
He joins hands with each of us
And shares His joy in all that is try
In a side room somewhere
A small minyan comes together
And although it's just for a Friday evening
I wish it could go on forever.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Disabilities Do Not Have to Disable

You look at me
The label that you see
The words on a paper
That describe 
Everything I am not
I can not
I will not
You have checked a list
For my dysfunctions
And with that
I am put into a class
Of people who are
Unable.
I have a disability
But I am not disabled
Because what that paper does not say
Is that I
Love to sing
And run
And dance
I love to be held
And most of all
I love to be loved
To be treated like any other
Maybe I do not reach the typical milestones
But in my world
The miles are not as painful
Because I enjoy every step
Can the same be said for you?

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Silent

I have held my tongue
I have tried to hard
Not to comment
To criticize
My city
Has been in flames
My community
Has been scared
And I
Have been riddled with anxiety
This is not the way
The world should look
Those who aim to protect those
Who aim to riot
Against those
Who protect
Those who riot
And it becomes
A never ending
Circle of
Hatred and destruction
And what do we accomplish?
What do we teach our children?
I believe there are problems
That need solutions
I believe
There are hearts that are aching
Oppressed
Rejected
Abused
And suffering
But what if we
Band of brothers
Decided to be the good
To be the change
The world
Could look so different
But instead
We take to the streets
With rocks and weapons
And loot our own neighbors
And that creates justice?
I am a small voice
And I should say nothing at all
But to be honest
It hurts to see this
It hurts to know that this can happen
And it hurts more to know
There is nothing I can do.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Questionable

I am divergent
I am the anomaly
They tried
Not to answer
I ask questions
That are questionable
There are no sources
For what seduces my mind
And sometimes I find myself
Wondering
If right and wrong
Are so black and white
Cuz I feel so heavy
Hanging near the light
And the darkness is just oh so tempting
Give me a little fun
And no regrets
One and done
That's all it has to be
So follow me
Down this rabbit hole
And see you on the other side
Of wonder

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Love

Is love sensible
Practical
Or can it be
Radical
Magical
Can it make a sane mind
Lost to find
If we lose ourselves
Will we find
The other half
This path
To completion
Is riddled with riddles
And jacked up with jokes
I have to laugh
At what has passed
It has taught me more
Than any lesson
Yes
It does not lesson
The need to find
My hearts' mind
Found in the hand
Of another
Yet there is not other
Except you
Too true
I will search
I will find
I will be fine

Sunday, March 22, 2015

After the Fire

They are debating your goodness
And questioning your kindness
They wonder about your love
And contest your concern
It was a fire
An inferno of uncontrollable destruction
But your affection
Is boundless as well
It it within our finite minds
That we limit your infinite wisdom
And try to make boundaries
Within which to understand
This tragedy
Because it is a tragedy
It is an awful, horrific
Heart wrenching, mind numbing tragedy
But you
Are the remedy
You give the cure
Before the curse
And we
Your children
Have to simply ask for it
And there it is

Baruch Dayan HaEmes
You are the true judge

Friday, March 20, 2015

Be Strong

I need you to be strong
I need you to realize
You have more power
Within
Despite what you look like
On the outside
I know you have been beaten
And battered
And have taken more abused
But you are still so pure
So strong
Be strong for me
Even when the walls
Crumble around you
Even when the world
Has turned its back on you
Be strong
Be strong
My little soul
Be strong

Thursday, March 19, 2015

dance

It's 1 am. i just came back from a friends wedding. i wasnt planning on staying so late... or at all. But then I had a drink... and then another... and then another.. and then i felt happy... and there was music... so i danced... and as i went in circles....around ....around... i thought about how my life... is a series of circles... cycles... patterns.... right... fooot...left..hand... and then i switch it up and repeat. but its the same and then it isnt. i try to make sense,.. but its too loud, too dizzy...

I am at a place in my life where it is a constant struggle between wanting to disappear and wanting to be noticed

I love the attention... the thrill of being wanted.... and then all of a sudden, it is all too much. and i just want to get on a plane and fly straight to the mountain side in bat ayin where i realized that G-d is really in this world, the way He can make me feel so small.. and yet so big, so many possibilites, all t once.
and rightg now, the possibilities are swirling like the wind that has been messing up my hairs for the past two days. its relentless and destructive. how do i behave? what choices am i supposed to make? i dont want to lose an opportunity i am meant to have but i dont want to regret the choices i make that sacrafice my happiness. i want to be happy. i want to be fulfilled. i dont know what i want.
perhaps another drink. 
perhaps another dance.
I want to dance. I really want to dance.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How much I want you
Can only be matched
By how petrified I am
That one day you will discover
I have been wearing a mask
Solely because I know
The real me
Was never someone you wanted

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Tonight

Close my eyes
Inhale deeply
Tilt back
And swallow
This sweet elixir
A quick fixer
My soul feels warm
My face is bright
On this night
Miracles can happen
Tonight
I will hang my enemy on a tree
And the ten accomplices
Who have torn me down
Will be raised for the world to see
And the runners
Will run
And we will fight
I will fight
On this night
I will no longer be afraid
Only I can
Save (myself)
No one else
Will redeem me
From the King
Only if I choose
To approach
Broken and submissive
Perhaps he will see
What my heart truly desires
What I long for
And wait for
If only
If only
We will rejoice
We will dance
Together in the courtyard
Of the palace
That will soon be built
And then
I will close my eyes
Tilt my head forward
Drink a small lip
He will smash a glass
And all the pain
Will recede to the past
As my soul feels warm
My face is bright

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Remain Silent No More

It's a beautiful moment, a celebration worthy of a holiday for the ages. After being threatened with annihilation, the Jewish people have overcome the wicked Haman (BOO!) and defeated their enemies. We are no longer forced to bow to idolatry or fear attack. Mordechai is hailed as the nation's leader and appointed as the King's advisor. Esther is the heroine who risked her life for her people. A woman of valor.
Yet, when we sing about the epic salvation, we forget one thing... we forget one person... and as the story fades into drunken revelry and celebration, I see her standing at a palace window, staring longingly, filled with pain... and painfully alone. Although the Jewish people were able to make a quick separation from their enemies by the swore, Esther was still the Queen, married to the idiot King, the stable boy who never lost that brash and stupid attitude that he grew up with.
Do we think about Esther? Do we remember that while her nation was redeemed, her personal redemption never came? She was never able to support her husband in learning Torah or celebrate in unison the beauty of Jewish marriage.
I don't profess to know all the details of the post-Megilla story, but I can't help but wonder what really happened to Esther when the last decree was finalized and it was official that her people would not be wiped out.
Did she cry? Did she laugh? If she accepted Ratzon Hashem, and never felt cheated out of the life she could have had, what life did she end up having? She wasn't waltzing around naked at parties like the wife before, and how often would Achashverosh call for her attendance at his parties? Did she sit all day and say Tehillem? Did she attend royal meetings and give her opinion on the state of affairs? I wish I could ask Esther how she could remain strong for the years following the Purim story. I feel drawn to a certain poem written by a blogger I always admired (I wonder where he disappeared to...) 


Somehow...
I've always misunderstood...
just what a nisayon is...
where the true..
the true...pinnacle of a spiritual test lie..
but I think I now know...

Its not the climb..
that difficult time...
It's not the test...
that brings out the best..
that makes you sweat...
spiritualphysical sweat..
and it's not the feeling you get..
on your way down..
the subdued elational fall..
It's not the Akeida..
..................after all
we can all have our moments..
when called 
to Action....

It's the letting down your guard..
expecting some kind of reward..
It's the coming home...
from the Akeida..and finding
your wife dead of grief...
It's coming to work the day after..your climb..
and losing your best account..

when self righteous annoyance...
turns into selfless acceptance..
which in turn..
turns into...submissive bliss...

That..I'm afraid...
Is the moment...of Nisayon..

Esther made sacrifice after sacrifice for her people. No one can imagine the nisyonos she struggled with in the face of cruel and ruthless villain. Yet, was that her hardest nisayon? 

יד  כִּי אִם-הַחֲרֵשׁ תַּחֲרִישִׁי, בָּעֵת הַזֹּאת--רֶוַח וְהַצָּלָה יַעֲמוֹד לַיְּהוּדִים מִמָּקוֹם אַחֵר, וְאַתְּ וּבֵית-אָבִיךְ תֹּאבֵדוּ; וּמִי יוֹדֵעַ--אִם-לְעֵת כָּזֹאת, הִגַּעַתְּ לַמַּלְכו
For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

But once we finish reading about Esther in the context of the Megilla, she becomes silent once more, her voice lost as Tanach is sealed for all time. 
Esther... we need your voice once more. We need you to beseech on our behalf once more so we can all be redeemed from the reign of evil and idicoy, so that we can rejoice with Mishta and wine and show G-d that once more, once again, we accept Him, we love Him with every part of our bodies and souls and want nothing more than to sing to Him...
Remain silent no more.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Let's Play

If we play it fair
And how dare
We do anything else
A piece for me
A piece for you
And you
And you
Oh what do I do
When I have no pieces left
I gave them away
Yesterday
Tomorrow
Today
Frivolously sharing
Not caring
That I would have nothing
At day's end
When night descends
And I want to rescind
Every piece I gave away
Only to hear them all say
It was your choice
And what is even more so
You should have known
Better.

Too

There are lies
I can't even tell myself
There are truths
Too awful to hear
There is love
More painful than death
And there is life
Too joyous to contain

Monday, February 23, 2015

Over This

I am so over this
The back and forth
Up and down
Can't decide
Make up my mind
Do I want you to be mine
More than I want to be fine
To be the portrait
Of what is expected
Oh, to be completely
Utterly rejected
A red 'A'
On my shirt
But would that hurt
More than denying the truth
Of what I really want
So we tease
We taunt
We flaunt
And we fake
We almost f...ell
But oh well
Someone had to be the grown up
Own up
To the childish whims
And wicked ways
That had us played
If I laid
To the desires
What liars
We would be
What liars we have become
But it is not the lies that destroy us
It is when we become numb
And can no longer decipher the truth
Within the prize
And so we take
The bad
The ugly
The deplorable
And make it acceptable
If only to feel something
Anything
Other than the crushing reality
That this was a game all along
And we have lost.
Everything.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Joy in Passing

I think it is very appropriate that my grandfather passed away just as the month of Adar began. Although he had been sick for sometime with a variety of ailments, he approached each day with happiness. Whenever I spoke with him, he always said, "hanging in there.. Taking it one day at a time," because everyday is a blessing and he recognized the goodness in each day. It is hard to find a place of understanding between such an incredible loss and the timing of such a loss. As Adar begins we are supposed to increase our simcha. We recognize that, like in Shushan, GD works behind the scenes. His ways are mysterious, but magical and majestic. Every occurrence in life was carefully planned. And so I must analyze the passing of my grandfather with it's time in the Jewish calendar. It isn't random. There was clearly a reason for it and I believe It has to do with The way my grandfather lived his life. He had set a goal around when he started to worsen that he would make it to my cousin's bar mitzva, his oldest grandson. He was determined to be there and he lived everyday with that goal in mind. His perseverance was really a lesson for me. He wanted it. He lived for it. And he lived happily for it. I could hear his smile in the phone when I called. Although he was probably in a lot of pain, he never let It detract from the fact that he was alive, he was living, and that is a beautiful thing.

If there is one thing I can learn from my grandfather's passing coinciding with the onset of the month of Adar, it is that life is meant to be lived with joy, no matter the circumstances or pain.

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

For the First Time in Forever... and It's Too Good to Be True

He likes me. He really likes me.
But he is several states away.
And several life stages behind.
But for once
FOR ONCE
He isn't a phony
A jerk
A liar
A creep
Or cruel
He actually he cares
He actually wants to try
To make this work
But I know
That with several states between us
And several life stages to catch up on
This isn't going anywhere
Except a straight trip
To the hills of heartache
Where I will roll into
A pit of despair
Until the next one comes along
And the games start again...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Have You Ever...

Looked at your life
And been shocked
By what you saw
The written word
And stone and law
Things you can't change
Choices that have been made
I didn't choose this path
The life chose me
I couldn't be
Anywhere but here
This is what I love
What I hate
But it feels so great
To know
It's mine
I can
Turn the page
Mature with age
Or act my shoe size
My lies
My life
Maybe it's wrong
It feels right
To stay up at night
Talking to you
Dreaming of a tomorrow
That's more colorful
Than yesterday
Let's just get away
And bring this life
With.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

50 Shades of Wrong

I haven't read the book. I haven't seen the movie. But, I have read what others who have read the book and seen the movie had to say... and it seems pretty awful.
A controlling, abusive, sexually manipulative lover is not romantic. It's just that. Controlling. Abuse. Manipulation. Those things don't show up in the recipe for love. It's so sad that this is what the world thinks love is about.
When I was in high school (and beyond), the craze was Twilight. I read them all (I'll admit it) I remember that sickly, nauseating feeling of being sucked in (pun intended), thinking that THIS was true love and romance- the way he didn't let her go anywhere without him knowing, the way she was willing to die to live with him forever... and for what? I never saw any indication that he was a worthy partner except for the fact that he sparkled. Get real.
But to be loved... to be adored... to be treated with respect and dignity? That's what a relationship is all about. That's the feeling, the connection we should crave. Not sadistic, masochistic, self indulgent abuse. I won't see the movie. I won't read the book. The world has distorted what love is all about and I won't willingly sacrifice my dreams of a happy and healthy marriage for a bandwagon craze that will destroy the fibers of morality.


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

From miles away
I feel your hand
On my heart
Holding me
Through the dark times
Dancing with me
Through the light times
And running
Through the difficult times
Hand in hand
The world isn't quite so hard
To face
But it's your face
That I miss so much
And the miles between
Are stretching even further
Every day
That I feel closer to you
Could I go mad
From this space
That you both
Fill and empty
Simultaneously
Reminding me
That I am loved
And that I am alone

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Fear

I trust you to do
No harm is all you do to
Me, I'm full of fear

Run

Run to fill hunger
Eat to fuel the run to face
The force that moves me

Word

I want every word
To mean more than one before
My pen is not still 

Why the Haikus?

I have been exploring other patterns of writing that are outside of my norm... haikus are the trend of the week for me.
So bear with me while I go haiku on you
(Gezuntheit)

I need sleep.

Monday, February 2, 2015

My Favorite Flavor of Heart

I seem to have misplaced
My heart
Or perhaps
I was too generous
In how much I gave away
Like my favorite flavor ice cream
I only wanted you to have a taste
But instead I gave you
The entire container
And thank-you-very-much,
I would like it back now
And the spoon as well
Oh, you ate it all?
There is nothing left?
That is how I feel
About my heart
Like I gave too much away
To too many people
And now that I realize
How much I am missing it
It is already being used
By someone else
For selfish purposes
Or even for truly admirable reasons
But I am feeling
Like there is a hole
Where my heart should be
So thank you very much
I'd like it back now.
Please
And a cherry on top
If you would be so kind...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Flicker

I read of light
The lingering promise
That wouldn't fade
Even when everything else
Had been torn away
A little bit of light
Will always shine through the darkness
Like the moon in the sky
Or a candle in a blackout
Darkness
Can be dispelled
In a moment
And you
Were that flame
For me.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Haiku III

There was dusk and dawn
Light fading and flourishing
It is never gone

Haiku II

When I lost my light
I reached for you to show me
The light within me

Haiku

Let me feel it all
Then bottle it up and never
Feel that way again

Monday, January 19, 2015

What Do I Believe?

It is easy to believe
The world has gone insane
The headlines prove it
Another terrorist hit
An illness has struck
We have become stuck
In despair
Because from where
Will salvation come
We look to the mountains
Those massive problems
Catastrophes
And think
There is no way to go on
But every mountain
Has a summit
And if you want it
You can read the top
And see from above
How every road leads home
And every calamity
Has a remedy
But we are still stuck
Climbing
But through this journey
Of darkness
Madness
Insanity
I believe
That we will receive
The redeemer
At the top
We never stopped
Praying
And waiting
For his return
Despite the pain
The destruction
Terror
We will hold on
To what we believe
And what I believe in

Thursday, January 1, 2015

A Scattered Heart

There is a piece of me
Scattered in every place
I left a shred of my heart
Where I shared my heart
With strangers
The places
That led me to danger
Because an open heart
Can be a dangerous thing
But with you
Who took without asking
And gave more than I could ever imagine
You showed me
How true love is a priceless thing
And that is it something to share with the world
So across the sea
And up a mountain
I let you have
A part of me
I split my heart
And locked you deep inside
Beneath the layers of questions
And unconditional caring
There you will find
The places
I call home
With the people
I call family.

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