The Finish Line

I have... persevered, for years; months... endless days
I said to myself; whispered in the mirror...
I want this... more than you, them... anyone
Determination to succeed
Overcame my spirit and mind....
I stepped on endless toes...
Killed thousands of others
Simply because.... I decided,
And thus annihilated.
Yet none of it mattered
For that glorious ending
Remains clear in sight
And those who supported me....
Pushed me to get here....
And they say that because of that
I am successful...
But what about...
The hundreds of times I murdered
And was put to trial
Found wanting...
Fallen
And forced to pick myself back up...
again... and again...
Can that be... success?
Or is it after... I have reached the finish line
The here that is lusted for
By you, I, and all the rest
Is it the prestige, the wealth
In this moment... that is success?
Or the time before?
Perhaps in the future,
The time after here.
I am running, racing with every breath
But... with each stride
I am left to wonder...
Where is the finish line?

Introspection and the Fourth Conversation

I hope you know
That the time has come
To review
All that has been done
A year of choices
And chances you took
Now you must take a moment
To review and look.
Have you grown
And changed this year?
Have you become
Farther or near?
Did you change
How you speak?
And remember the honor the Shabbos
As it comes each week?
Have you been a better friend to all
And to distant relatives
Did you remember to call?
Do your actions differ
From a year ago
Are you different
Did you discover something new you didn't know?
Do people call to you
When they find themselves in need?
Are you someone who can be relied upon
To fulfill and complete a deed?
Are you beloved by all
Or just tolerated by most
Do you walk around haughty
And think you have what to boast?
Are you slipping and tripping
Falling where you stand
And simply replying
"I'm unable, I can't."
Are you prepared to stand before your Creator
With all your actions laid bare?
Do you realize the severity,
Do you even care?

Conversation 4

We're back at this again?
I guess so.
Do you even care anymore?
Not sure I do... it doesn't seem wrong. If it did, then maybe I would have a problem.
You have been very desensitized.
Probably.
It's a little sad to see you like this.
Well, it's a little sad that I am talking to you, don't you think?
Who should you be talking to?
Anyone besides you.
Ouch.
You know it's true.
You're right. So what are you gonna do?
Go away. I'm sick of you.
That won't change anything. You are sick of yourself.
Hmph.
Have a good night...

Indecisive

Ok, I'll fess up. I am indecisive. I can't decide what to eat, wear, say... And when I do choose something, I like to choose the alternative whenever possible. I just can't make up my mind! I want noodles... no, salad... I JUST WANT FOOD! And when it comes to blogging... well, if you check my blog often enough, you'll be sure to see at least four different posts in one day, but only one will make it to the final cut. (Which is probably why I have about twenty draft posts because I can't decide what to publish and what not to ie. too personal, not coherent, really random, ultra depressing... catch my drift? But of course, in the grand scheme of things, this post is personal, but I am sharing it anyway just for general FYI)

I can't decide what books to read... it looks good, but the content is questionable, so I start and BH I am pretty good at screening my books, even if it seems good, and I will close it. I have done this before even when I really wanted to read the book.

I can't decide who to call. Who should i call to: cheer me up, shmooze, learn a bit with, tell a good joke, share some sorrows. I just can't choose!

People have told me before that I am indecisive. I feel like tug-o-war is being played in my head. back and forth, back and forth, left or right, up or down, WELL WHICH ONE IS IT? BH, in the end, I can usually choose whatever is best, but not after a ten minute mental debate with myself.

So, I just thought you should all know, I am indecisive... but proud of it because then I really can get down to the raw, bare details of anything, figure out the pros and cons and BOOM! A good choice... It just takes a while and a whole lot of talking to myself... (don't worry, I am not crazy... but if I start answering myself back, you might want to call the men in white coats... happens to be, they are my good friends :D )

So, my name is "Rachelli" and I am indecisive. Nice to meet you...


Or is it?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And now, because this seems to be my shtick, I would like to share a poem with you and I would *LOVE* if you comment on this one, because I would like the feedback about... well... read and find out!

Just a question, so honest and true,
Hit me in the face, smack of the blue,
“What do you like to do to enhance your Shabbos
And to make your Rosh Chodesh special, let’s discuss!
Can you answer me about these two?”

“Well friend, what is this for?”
I asked her, hinting towards more
Why is she asking me this question today?
Is it for an article or survey?
How will she mark me, will I score?

“It’s just for me, I am curious to know
So when I am big and all grown
I can use it for my family, to teach each child
That these special days are worth our while
So give me an answer, let’s go!”

I think to myself, why this hasn’t crossed my mind
Before, why is it that in my head, an answer I cant find!
Shouldn’t this be something I think about each week,
Each month and now an answer I can’t speak!
I wish that I could reply to her in kind!

So I stumble along, to make up something to say
But this should be something I think about each day!
Shabbos occurs every week no matter what
But I can’t get my mind out of this rut
And I just wish I could run away!

I made up something, a little random, I should add
And now I can’t help but feeling just a drop sad
Why don’t I have something readily prepared?
When she asks, “about your Shabbos/Rosh Chodesh enhancement, care to share?”
So now I got it in my mind to find something to make these days grand!

Maybe to more conscious of the way I speak
Than how I do normally during the week
Perhaps I’ll visit a friend who I normally don’t see
Cuz we don’t get a chance when rushing through school so speedily
I am going to find some special and unique!

Maybe I’ll daven just a little bit longer
And make my connection with Hashem a bit stronger
Or I will make it a point to always read my ‘Parsha Views’
Because it teaches me all I need to know about being a good Jew
And with these ideas, my answer won’t be a vague blur!

So share with me your ideas please,
Let’s unlock the Shabbos/Rosh Chodesh potential with our original keys!
If we can find one thing to enhance these days
Perhaps we can pull Klal Yisroel out of this Galus haze
Come let’s grab this opportunity, together, we’ll achieve!

Happiness Is...

Happiness is… a sports water bottle filled with pink lemonade.
Happiness is… a pen writing smoothly on a piece of paper.
Happiness is… accomplishing goals and getting things done
Happiness is… listening to music that just helps
Happiness is… having a way to escape when you don’t want to be caught
Happiness is… the clicking of computer keys
Happiness is… music to choose from, and actually liking what is chosen
Happiness is… a conversation with a friend that doesn’t make sense but makes both people happy
Happiness is… running around on five hours of sleep
Happiness is… pretending
Happiness is… being happy for your friend
Happiness is… laughing at how cute your friend is when she flashes her ring and bracelet
Happiness is… knowing you can make decisions on your own, for better and for worse
Happiness is… knowing that out of a million people, out of the six billion + people in the world, someone cares about you more than you can imagine

Happiness is… having faith that everything will work out in the end.

Happiness is… knowing that one song can touch your soul in ways you didn’t think existed
Happiness is… a (nearly) working MP3 player
Happiness is… spontaneous ruach in the middle of the hallway.
Happiness is… being “dramatic” and “intense”
Happiness is… getting away with breaking the rules
Happiness is... “knowing what’s coming next”
Happiness is… realizing all you have to be grateful for.
Sadness is… having so much to be happy for and not realizing all the good you have