Monday, February 23, 2015

Over This

I am so over this
The back and forth
Up and down
Can't decide
Make up my mind
Do I want you to be mine
More than I want to be fine
To be the portrait
Of what is expected
Oh, to be completely
Utterly rejected
A red 'A'
On my shirt
But would that hurt
More than denying the truth
Of what I really want
So we tease
We taunt
We flaunt
And we fake
We almost f...ell
But oh well
Someone had to be the grown up
Own up
To the childish whims
And wicked ways
That had us played
If I laid
To the desires
What liars
We would be
What liars we have become
But it is not the lies that destroy us
It is when we become numb
And can no longer decipher the truth
Within the prize
And so we take
The bad
The ugly
The deplorable
And make it acceptable
If only to feel something
Anything
Other than the crushing reality
That this was a game all along
And we have lost.
Everything.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Joy in Passing

I think it is very appropriate that my grandfather passed away just as the month of Adar began. Although he had been sick for sometime with a variety of ailments, he approached each day with happiness. Whenever I spoke with him, he always said, "hanging in there.. Taking it one day at a time," because everyday is a blessing and he recognized the goodness in each day. It is hard to find a place of understanding between such an incredible loss and the timing of such a loss. As Adar begins we are supposed to increase our simcha. We recognize that, like in Shushan, GD works behind the scenes. His ways are mysterious, but magical and majestic. Every occurrence in life was carefully planned. And so I must analyze the passing of my grandfather with it's time in the Jewish calendar. It isn't random. There was clearly a reason for it and I believe It has to do with The way my grandfather lived his life. He had set a goal around when he started to worsen that he would make it to my cousin's bar mitzva, his oldest grandson. He was determined to be there and he lived everyday with that goal in mind. His perseverance was really a lesson for me. He wanted it. He lived for it. And he lived happily for it. I could hear his smile in the phone when I called. Although he was probably in a lot of pain, he never let It detract from the fact that he was alive, he was living, and that is a beautiful thing.

If there is one thing I can learn from my grandfather's passing coinciding with the onset of the month of Adar, it is that life is meant to be lived with joy, no matter the circumstances or pain.

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

For the First Time in Forever... and It's Too Good to Be True

He likes me. He really likes me.
But he is several states away.
And several life stages behind.
But for once
FOR ONCE
He isn't a phony
A jerk
A liar
A creep
Or cruel
He actually he cares
He actually wants to try
To make this work
But I know
That with several states between us
And several life stages to catch up on
This isn't going anywhere
Except a straight trip
To the hills of heartache
Where I will roll into
A pit of despair
Until the next one comes along
And the games start again...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Have You Ever...

Looked at your life
And been shocked
By what you saw
The written word
And stone and law
Things you can't change
Choices that have been made
I didn't choose this path
The life chose me
I couldn't be
Anywhere but here
This is what I love
What I hate
But it feels so great
To know
It's mine
I can
Turn the page
Mature with age
Or act my shoe size
My lies
My life
Maybe it's wrong
It feels right
To stay up at night
Talking to you
Dreaming of a tomorrow
That's more colorful
Than yesterday
Let's just get away
And bring this life
With.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

50 Shades of Wrong

I haven't read the book. I haven't seen the movie. But, I have read what others who have read the book and seen the movie had to say... and it seems pretty awful.
A controlling, abusive, sexually manipulative lover is not romantic. It's just that. Controlling. Abuse. Manipulation. Those things don't show up in the recipe for love. It's so sad that this is what the world thinks love is about.
When I was in high school (and beyond), the craze was Twilight. I read them all (I'll admit it) I remember that sickly, nauseating feeling of being sucked in (pun intended), thinking that THIS was true love and romance- the way he didn't let her go anywhere without him knowing, the way she was willing to die to live with him forever... and for what? I never saw any indication that he was a worthy partner except for the fact that he sparkled. Get real.
But to be loved... to be adored... to be treated with respect and dignity? That's what a relationship is all about. That's the feeling, the connection we should crave. Not sadistic, masochistic, self indulgent abuse. I won't see the movie. I won't read the book. The world has distorted what love is all about and I won't willingly sacrifice my dreams of a happy and healthy marriage for a bandwagon craze that will destroy the fibers of morality.


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

From miles away
I feel your hand
On my heart
Holding me
Through the dark times
Dancing with me
Through the light times
And running
Through the difficult times
Hand in hand
The world isn't quite so hard
To face
But it's your face
That I miss so much
And the miles between
Are stretching even further
Every day
That I feel closer to you
Could I go mad
From this space
That you both
Fill and empty
Simultaneously
Reminding me
That I am loved
And that I am alone

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Fear

I trust you to do
No harm is all you do to
Me, I'm full of fear

Run

Run to fill hunger
Eat to fuel the run to face
The force that moves me

Word

I want every word
To mean more than one before
My pen is not still 

Why the Haikus?

I have been exploring other patterns of writing that are outside of my norm... haikus are the trend of the week for me.
So bear with me while I go haiku on you
(Gezuntheit)

I need sleep.

Monday, February 2, 2015

My Favorite Flavor of Heart

I seem to have misplaced
My heart
Or perhaps
I was too generous
In how much I gave away
Like my favorite flavor ice cream
I only wanted you to have a taste
But instead I gave you
The entire container
And thank-you-very-much,
I would like it back now
And the spoon as well
Oh, you ate it all?
There is nothing left?
That is how I feel
About my heart
Like I gave too much away
To too many people
And now that I realize
How much I am missing it
It is already being used
By someone else
For selfish purposes
Or even for truly admirable reasons
But I am feeling
Like there is a hole
Where my heart should be
So thank you very much
I'd like it back now.
Please
And a cherry on top
If you would be so kind...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Flicker

I read of light
The lingering promise
That wouldn't fade
Even when everything else
Had been torn away
A little bit of light
Will always shine through the darkness
Like the moon in the sky
Or a candle in a blackout
Darkness
Can be dispelled
In a moment
And you
Were that flame
For me.

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