The Secrets You'll Never Know

I'm sure if you knew
The thoughts running through my aching mind,
Another friend, I promise,
I'm sure you'd be quick to find.

Beneath this charming smile
Underneath the one liners and jokes
Is a heart that is breaking
As it is beaten, and chokes.

You think I'm suave
And everything is fine?
Wait until, one day
You'll hear these dark thoughts of mine

The way I let myself succumb to pain
As it rips across my skin and heart
This happy girl you see
Is only moments from falling apart

And I have questioned, searching for truth
I hoped you would follow the clues
That would lead you to understand and know
About my terrible inner abuse

Yet you think, I'm still
Just jokes and causing trouble
I've built up this persona
That will soon fall to rubble

Do you doubt these words?
Perhaps so, as most do
But I am writing them
Because now... I can only rely on you.

A work of fiction... or is it?

Over Shabbos...

Over Shabbos, I learned three things:

1) Fish is much more appetizing when presented in small quantities... not an entire salmon placed onto the table in which everyone sticks their fingers into. Gross.

2) Whenever I see a Chassidish Rebbe, the only thing that runs through my mind is He must be an Israeli government conspirator in disguise sent to radically turn the Chareidi community against each other!!! (This is what happens when you read too many Jewish novels.... every Rabbi is part of some worldwide plot to destroy the Jews. Oish.)

3) Even when surrounded by friends at a Simcha, it is possible to feel alone. Sigh.

Aside from those three things, I had a nice Shabbos. Slept. A LOT. And read (Escape From India, Avigayil Myzlik... good book if you want something a little less mainstream but with some typographical errors... but the plot's is good... and true!), which always makes me happy!

And to illustrate number 3....

A Smile

Every smile means something

No matter what you mean

It shows you can fight your demons

No matter how obscene

A smile can mean you’re trying

Even if it’s fake

It shows you have will power

That can never crack or break

A smile can mean you’re happy

Over hearing some good news

Happiness isn’t a right

But a way of life you choose

A smile can mean you’re sad

But holding back the tears

Although you’re torn up inside

You’re masking all your fears

A smile shows your strength

When you’re feeling weak inside

A smile shows the world

That you will never hide

A smile teaches bravery

The power to stand tall

It’s an inner beauty, so powerful

That will never be considered small

Happiness Is...

Happiness is… a sports water bottle filled with pink lemonade.
Happiness is… a pen writing smoothly on a piece of paper.
Happiness is… accomplishing goals and getting things done
Happiness is… listening to music that just helps
Happiness is… having a way to escape when you don’t want to be caught
Happiness is… the clicking of computer keys
Happiness is… music to choose from, and actually liking what is chosen
Happiness is… a conversation with a friend that doesn’t make sense but makes both people happy
Happiness is… running around on five hours of sleep
Happiness is… pretending
Happiness is… being happy for your friend
Happiness is… laughing at how cute your friend is when she flashes her ring and bracelet
Happiness is… knowing you can make decisions on your own, for better and for worse
Happiness is… knowing that out of a million people, out of the six billion + people in the world, someone cares about you more than you can imagine

Happiness is… having faith that everything will work out in the end.

Happiness is… knowing that one song can touch your soul in ways you didn’t think existed
Happiness is… a (nearly) working MP3 player
Happiness is… spontaneous ruach in the middle of the hallway.
Happiness is… being “dramatic” and “intense”
Happiness is… getting away with breaking the rules
Happiness is... “knowing what’s coming next”
Happiness is… realizing all you have to be grateful for.
Sadness is… having so much to be happy for and not realizing all the good you have

The Candyman

There are two reasons for this post, the second reason only came about because of the first. The first reason is, I wanted to sure a poem. I wrote it last year and if you read it closely you can find a very relative lesson that is applicable in every persons life... so read closely, take a moment to think about it, and let me know what you get out of it!

Between perilous slander
And mean fortune
Methinks nothing
But forswear a friend
Which idle change yield tantamount wicked
Only so we loathe
That which never learned our tender minds

The second reason for this post is because when I was locating the above poem on my computer, I found some notes from a speech I heard in camp. The way this speech worked was that the speaker stood in the middle of us (his audience) while we all watched a movie. Every so often the speaker would pause the movie and teach us how each part of the movie and explain how we could take a lesson from the movie. It was incredible to realize that something as gashmius-dik as a movie could have sparks of ruchnius that are so relevent and inspiring...
The movie we watched was the old version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. At the beginning of the movie, Charlie goes into the candy store and the owner breaks out into song and sings:

Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candy Man, the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

The speaker explained that the candy man is compared to Hashem. Hashem makes the world taste good. He could have made it bland and tasteless, He could have made food one taste and that would have been it. But Hashem wanted us to enjoy His beautiful world so He added flavors and tastes!
Now, while the above is nice to hear, I gained a different lesson from it based on my day. Hashem made the world taste good. But what tastes good to one person, may not taste the same way to another. Certain situations can be dealt differently based on the person who is experiencing it. Just like different candies taste good or bad to different people. For example, my mother LOVES the candy Good and Plenty… you know that weird licorice candy? Well, I cant stand it! It makes me gag. And while I like milk chocolate candy, and don’t like dark chocolate, my mother likes dark chocolate and doesn’t like milk chocolate… And a friend of mine HATES chocolate, while I love it! (But still I wonder, how can you not like chocolate???) So too, different situations and events sit well, or not so well with different people.
Life has different situations, events, people… and flavors… I think with time we all can learn to acquire the palate to enjoy them all, or at least manage them to swallow them politely.
(The actual lesson I learned in camp differed a lot from the above, which I just chapped around in like five minutes, but if interested, I can share the other one, which is really incredible and inspiring!)

I Miss You

Just feeling a little down. Missing some people... missing some friends... missing what once was...

I Miss You
It’s a disease,
Creeping, crawling,
Blinding my conscience,
Stabbing at my heart,
Shattering it to pieces.
It’s the pain of missing you.

Around you I could breathe
Your smile was fresh air
Now I'm choking gasping for breath
Losing hope.

I search for a cure
There is none to be found
Until I see your gleaming smile
Cast light on my glooming face
And hear your witty voice

Life moves on
It always does
But the sickness remains
I miss you still
But I’ll move on
Just like you told me to

I miss you
You know I do
I told you I would
Just don’t forget me
Please

Tomorrow will come
Yesterday has passed
Healing the wounds
That your absence has left
Today it’s so hard
Tomorrow will be better

The memories, they fight
To heal my cold dark mind
They envelope me in a moment of warmth
Soothing the scars
Protecting my heart

Smiling
Happy
Angry
Scared
You saw it all

The movie of my life
Would be filled with twists and turns
But you were there at every bend
I miss you
You know I do

The suffering has left me
No longer am I broken
I remember all the good times
Your love, light and everything
Keeps me strong and whole

Forget.
Impossible.
Remember.
Always.
I miss you.