Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Spidey Signs

You showed me a sign today. Some kind of gentle way of telling me you are okay... you forgive me? You love me. A little spidey cookie. An icon that will forever be tied up in my memories of you. You were a hero; the real kind. You spun webs of love and I was totally caught in them. You wrapped me tight. I was enamored... kind of mesmerized by you. I always wanted to know what you were thinking... what was it like in your world, trapped in a body you had no control over, simply watching others... did you realize what an impact you had, simply by lying in your hospital bed? I don't think I fully realized myself until you were gone... I know you are in a better place. But thank for sending me a reassuring sign. Love you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I Miss You

It's three AM. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I ache missing you. I went to your Shiva today and your abscence was so loud... A silence that was so loud I could hear your abscence above the noise of people talking. You weren't clucking for attention. The ever present sound of kids shows wasn't heard. Your machines are off. You don't need them anymore where you are. I had to adjust my mind to understand that you are not here. You aren't in your room. The hospital. You aren't in this world. And I miss you so much. No more ruffling your crazy Harry Potter-like hair. No more painting your toes Spider-Man colors. No more tongue wars or sneaky smiles. I always thought we would have another visit. I was planning for them. I had activities ready. When the SW asked if everyone for closure, I had to fight back years and bite my tongue. I have not had closure. Even at your funeral.... I cannot process that my little man, my feisty boy is now in a box... Buried. I try to console myself that you are no longer in pain. You are dancing in heaven, wearing crazy costumes and singing with a full voice. But G-d, I miss you. Death is not for the one dying. It is for everyone who is left behind to wade through the days following your paasing, trying to make sense of a short life that was cut short and pain filled. You are free from these questions and confusion. You lived days, weeks, montbs, even years beyond what anyone expected of you. We knew this day was coming. And it doesn't lessen the blow of your loss. Whatever words of comfort people try to share, nothing can take away this ache I, we, feel at your abscence. But it isn't like you didn't show up for class. It isn't like we misplaced you and now you are missing... You are gone. Just gone. But how can it be? You were the strongest soul I knew. You endured so much. I keep trying to find peace in knowing you aren't hurting but selfishly, I want one more day. I was going to visit the day you passed away. I was too late. And for now, I don't think I will get over that. I should have been there. My boy... My handsome little man. I miss you. What's going to be of this world without you in it? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

My hero

When I first met you,
You couldn't walk
But I soon learned
That you could fly

There were hard fought battles
To breathe, to smile;
There were tears and triumphs
There was you, a superhero

You have always had powers
Some we knew
And some we never understood
But now, I know what is true

There are those who enter this world
With a mission we cannot understand
Even more so, we question such a life
But you, you lived

I can't imagine this world without you in it
You were steady, you persevered
But now, you are dancing in a party in the sky
And I sit here missing you

After years of pain and decline
I can find peace knowing you are no longer hurting
But I will think of you always
And miss you forever.

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