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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Wanderlust

Give me words
Wishes
Wonderments
I have wanderlust
To get back to you
6000 miles
Might as well be to the moon
And back
For how far away we are
Cars can't cross oceans
And planes can't keep pace with my beating heart
As I beat with love for you
No expression
Of song
No imagery captured
Could hold as tight
To my need for you
I dream
I pray
I hope
To return home
When the wars have ended
When the hate has been erased
We will rebuild the broken walls
Lay foundations for a stronger future
And be everything we were meant to be

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Musings at 8 am

I wake up in darkness
Though I'm sure my eyes are open
There is fear of this oblivion
But my belief still keeps me hoping

This night can't last forever
The sun still has to rise
I wait in darkness
For the light to reach my eyes

There are those who tell me it's hopeless
And I should just give up
But even when I feel that way
I still have hope even when I'm stuck

As the clock turns its numbers
I see a glimpse of light
There is a glimmer of comfort
That I'll make it through the night

When I feel like nothing will change
And things will be this way forever
I know this moon will wane
And I will face this stormy weather

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Red Alert

It took me almost a month and a half to do it. Yea, I had downloaded the app. I set it to regions that I felt connected to. But... I turned off the notification sound. How could I possibly go about my day with that siren wailing from my phone? How could I get any work done with that incessant sound going off? But then again... how could I not?
I changed the settings to notify me of all rocket alerts in all regions of my beloved Eretz Yisroel. I turned on the notification sound. I have my phone next to me all day. And now... I know what my beloved Eretz Yisroel is enduring.
My heart pounds. My head spins. How can anyone think? How can anyone breathe? How can I live comfortably in my four walls when my brothers and sisters are being bombarded and praying their four walls aren't hit? 
I sit down for breakfast.... RED ALERT.
I daven... RED ALERT.
I start doing some work in front of my computer... RED ALERT.
I go to the bathroom... RED ALERT.
As I type this post, the Red Alert has gone off at least ten times in regions across the country. My Twitter alerts are an additional reminder that this is real. This isn't some virtual reality where the Red Alert only exists in my phone and people aren't running for their lives. This is life. This is the only reality Eretz Yisroel knows right now. 
6,000 miles away, there isn't much I can do. I can donate to the IDF... I can retweet and show my support. I can daven. I can daven. Hashem... I'm davening...
And as I daven... a Red Alert goes off...
Five... four... three... two... one...

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Questions

Can you answer me this
The war
And the relentless hate
The pointless destruction
And senseless loss of life
What is its purpose
Its worth
What lesson
Are we meant to be learning
What question
Should we be answering
Or better yet
What question
Should we be asking
My brothers at war
My sisters in tears
My mother
Lost in her pain
And my father
Unable to end this war
If this is the battle
We are meant to fought
Than better equip us
With a heart of steel
And a mind of knives
For our heart of flesh
Has failed us
And we allow the enemy to flee
We allow the world
To tell us how to be
But all we need
Is to be the people
You know we can be
So as a humble sheep
Among the savage wolves
I strive to live
According to your will
Within the world
You placed me in,

Friday, August 22, 2014

Open Door Policy... Just Please Wipe Your Feet

My doors are wide open
The windows have been unlocked
Come in, stay a while
Have a drink
Or two
I remember you
When you first came around
Hard hitting and hurtful
But now I invite you in again
For a game of chess
Don't mind the mess
I had some visitors the other day
I forgot to put their stuff away
Welcome in
We can hug
Or kiss
Or sit in silence
I am fine with the quiet
Or if you prefer
Let's converse
Discuss
Share what's on your mind
You already know what's on mine
The confusion
And wanderlust
Of where I am
And where I want to be
But here and now
You are sitting beside me
And I think
If I try
I can be ok with that
With just sitting
And looking you in the face
To understand
Your place
In this mixed up head of mine
This state of mind
In this house of glass
That everyone sees inside of
But I just want to see
Inside of me.

Light

I am waking up in darkness
Trying to make sense of chaos
I am writing words
Saying things
I forgot
How to think
To use my head
Making choices
Is a tipping scale
And I've chosen darkness
If I recall the light
I remember
All the happiness I felt
The joy
And bliss
And light
What brilliant
Radiant light
I can remember
I can relive
I can recall
I can
Live,

Breathing Kedusha

I have breathed in Kedusha. I have inhaled the otherworldly air of the Shechina, where the mundane is fleeting and reality is from a higher realm.

I have felt what it's like to look, Panim El Panim, in the face of G-d.

When G-d created us B'Tzelem Elokim, He created human beings with a piece of G-d within them... we posses a piece of G-dliness, so pure and so holy that nothing else can compare... Nishmas Elokim. But, as humans are known to do, we have distorted that purity and sullied it with our own goals and motivations. But G-d created individuals who are free from this plight. Individuals who perhaps do not possess every mental capacity to be in control of their actions, but who possess a soul that is so clean and innocent. 

I cannot full describe what it means to spend seven weeks in  "Heaven on Earth". Coming down from such a high is so achingly painful, my heart is still recovering. When Neshamos connect so deeply and so honestly, anything less than that is difficult to accept. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Answers

Sometimes we get answers
To the questions
We were too scared to ask
Life altering conflicts
Are solved with a simple solution
That while is so painlessly presented
Is more painful
Than if we had risked asking

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Light Words

Words like light
Visual manifestations
Of what is held my heart
My lips cannot formulate
The thoughts I think
They remain dormant
Until in darkness
They are revealed
Like fireflies
Fleeting past the delighted hands
Of the proud ones
Who hold back tears
Together we sing
The wheels go round
And you have finally
Made a sound
We rejoice at your whispers
Because we hear your heart

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Revenge

Take me
Take my wounded
My shattered bones
And broken spirits
Collect my spilled blood
And fallen tears
Remember me
When night falls
And the rest of the world sleeps
But I lay awake
Awaiting a gunshot
Or siren
Because only you
Are by my side
As the rest of the world
Vilifies me
And turns us into the enemy
But it is the enemy
Who has called for war
And I only seek to protect
And perhaps
Slightly
Seek to avenge
Because when someone hurts my brothers
I cannot remain silent
Their blood calls for battle
And I hear the call.

Friday, July 11, 2014

War

Before you start a war, you better know what you're fighting for.


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Next Day

By now my Facebook feed has been flooded with links and posts about the tragic murders of Eyal, Gilad and Naftali. Everyone has an opinion, a point to make, a finger to wave and comment to make. People have expressed anger, grief, sadness, disbelief, shock and most of all, pain. We are clearly a nation struggling to make sense of a senseless act. The way the world views the Jewish people is clearly a twisted view of how people, human beings, should be treated. We are pushed aside, neglected, scorned, vilified... we are a thorn in the side of the world. Tolerated, yes... but accepted? Never. No matter how much we try to fit in, blend in, be a part of the world at large, we will always be the outsiders. And that is the way it should be. Being the "Am Segula" means that we live on a higher realm of existence. It means that when someone tries to tear us down, we become stronger for it. One post I saw that struck me was one that went like this... "if they were murdered soon after being kidnapped, why did we have to go through 18 days of wondering and wishing for their return? Because if it had been an open-shut case of 'boys kidnapped, boys murdered, boys found' then we would not have taken action on our own to beseech the heavens for their return. For 18 days we prayed, took upon kabalos, kept shabbos, lit candles, and all other manners of trying to better ourselves, to show G-d how much we want our brothers back. We needed these 18 days to make a change."
Nothing could have heal the pain we feel for this horrific lost. I can't give a reason or explanation. I can't forgive the animals who did this. I can't calm this storm inside that makes me just want to rip them to pieces. But bloodshed isn't the answer.
Prayer is.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Revenge

You dirty, cruel monsters killed
Not one
Not two
But three
Three of my brothers
You kidnapped their bodies
And then stole their souls
Their blood cries from the earth
And mine burns with fury and pain
6,000 miles away
I surge with a passion
To exact a meticulous, murderous revenge
To raze anyone in my way
Until I can gouge the eyes of those
Who took my brothers
My brothers
Who I prayed for
Longed for
And now,
Have lost
If the world does not respond
With the intensity that is felt by us all
Then let the world burn down
Because a world that can let this go on
Is not a world I want to belong to.
Eyal... Naftali... Gilad...
I never met you
I never knew you
Until a few weeks ago
When your names
Evoked such an ache in my heart
And now
Such a pain in my soul...
I want nothing more
Than to race around the world
Send us all back in time
And change that one step
That brought us to where we are today
Yearning and learning
That G-d
Has a plan
And while it hurts
I must... MUST believe
That it is His will
And for the loss of your souls
I must better myself
I must better my world
I must better the world
So that your deaths
Are not in vain.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Guess Who's Back

Pull it together... you look like a fool out there.
Well, you make me like that.
Puh-lease. You are in control here. You HAVE been in control. But now you are letting yourself get turned upside way too easily. It's not even an effort... I mean, come on.
I got it now. Really. I'll be better.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

We All Feel It

We all feel it
This gaping hole
This widening pit
This endless abyss
Of waiting
Holding our collective breath
Refreshing the news pages
Reciting prayers
In hushed tones with tears
And in screams
Of agony
We all feel
This pain
This frustration and anger
But mostly
We feel hurt
We are hurting
A part of our national body
Has been ripped away
And we are searching for that crucial limb
That life sustaining nerve and artery
Of a people that rely so heavily on each other
We all feel
Like part of ourselves is missing
And we hope
We pray to G-d
That we are reunited soon
Because to feel this loss
Forever
Would be a feeling
We could never forget.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Start Again

The end is the beginning
Where the book closes
Another word is being written
And when you feel like the dust
Has been bitten
And the road falls off the edge
There is always a way
To take a step back
And turn around
The final sound
Is the last exhale
Of life's breath
But the beating
Of a broken heart
Is simply a finish line
That will become a new start
And all the pain
Will be worth a medal one day
With a shiny engraving that reads
"I did not give up"
Even when that last second
Has passed
There is one more moment
To leave it all in the past
And one day
I hope to leave you there
And live a new way
Without thinking about you.

Friday, June 6, 2014

A Few Things

A few things on my mind...

1. Nothing works better to improve my day than a little spa treatment... a manicure goes a long way.

2. Cheesecake is a magical food.

3. Caffeine is best in large doses at frequent intervals.

4. Love is such a loosely used word, I think we have lost sight of what it truly means.
(I love cheesecake. I love you. I love sleep... see what I mean?)

5. Friends are literally make me feel lighter... simply expressing a frustration eases so much anxiety and tension.

6. Helping others means learning to help myself. And that is even harder than going out of my way for someone else.

7. Giving maaser makes me feel rich. I am so fortunate to be in a position to give Tzedakah, and not be the recipient.

8. Passion is powerful. Be careful where you devote your energies.

9. The facets of Torah are endless. I wish I could learn it all.

10. I won't be alone forever. I can't.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

The Issue with Achdus

As of late, and perhaps for many years, I have noticed a problem within our people... a problem of being One People. Over the course of several years, I have been affiliated with several incredible organizations that do amazing work for the Klal. But, the thing is... all of these organizations are mutually exclusive. Each one has their events, fundraisers, concerts, programs and services... They provide different, and the same services to similar clientele. Yet, I have yet to see a poster proclaiming "The Achdus Event!" with all of these organizations in participation. Nope. Never. Instead, when one group gets too close to another, out comes the claws, snide comments, petty remarks and evil eyes. 
I have been the recipient of much of this abuse. I have been persecuted for trying to volunteer for multiple organizations. I have been ridiculed, punished and stepped on. The message seems clear.... "do good.. but only do good for us. No one else."
Is this the kind of chesed we promote? We have become insular and vindictive. And the only people who we hurt are ourselves... and the kind people who simple want to do good for the world, yet suffer because they want to do so much good...
For a people who speak of "Kol Yisroel Areivim Zeh La'Zeh", I think we need to take a closer look at who we look out for.... and maybe expand our arms wider and embrace everyone.

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