Search Me

Loading...

Sunday, October 19, 2014

If My Heart...

If my heart were a field
It would be filled with holes
Exploded mines
And trenches dug
For safety
For prayer
For no one can enter this war zone
Without whispering to G-d
For some measure of protection....
If my heart were a field
It would be a testimony
To the distance I have traveled
To the travels that have worn me thin
To those I met along the way
Who had no qualms
About digging a hole of their own
To relax in
While I wonder
Who is gonna clean up this mess
If my heart were a field
I would surround it
In barbed wire
And electric fences
Because I am sick and tired
Of having to mend this field
Soaked with blood
Sowed with tears
Waiting for the harvest
So that I can reap from the destruction.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Challenge of Emuna

I.
You sent me
Into the cold
The heat
The elements
Of wind
Rain and storm
To sit in peace
And solitude
In happiness
And peace
With the knowledge
That you will shelter me
And keep me safe
From harm
I am your faithful servant
Your beloved child
I trust in your choices
Your decisions
And I will rejoice
In that acceptance.


II.
How could you
Take away
My safety
And security
How can you
Expect me
To feel safe
When the roof above my head
Is about to blow away
And the walls around me
Are waving in the slightest breeze
How could my father
Remove me from my home
Take away my comfort
And yet
You want me to trust
To believe
To rejoice?
This tragic hut
Will float away
In my tears of abandonment
Because you left me alone

III.
I don't understand
Why you threw me into the cold
Took away the one I loved
Removed my one source of joy
I feel challenged in my belief
And question the decisions you have made for me
I try
With pathetic attempts
To make sense of the senseless
To rearrange the pieces of my heart
And rewire the dysfunction of my brain
To find a place in my soul
Where you belong
And can help me on my journey
To happiness
This is the first of my journey
I have two more attempts
On my feeble feet
To come closer
And with each step
I hope to reach full acceptance
Of every challenge
With happiness and love.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Disappointment

Pile on the disappointment
Sprinkle it with pain
Mix in some misery
And add a dash of depression
Stir it up nice
Add some sadness spice
A recipe for
Heartache
Heart break
I never
Though
I could feel this way.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Make this hurt
Go away
This ache inside
Consumes me
Exhume me
Of this pain
This heart drowns me
But if I could
I would swim to the depths
Just for you
To admit
How you really feel
But until them
Its like ripping open wounds
That never got to heal
I think I enjoy the pain
Because it means you are still apart
Of this broken life
This bleeding heart
Has pulled me under the tide
And beneath these waves
I hide
In choking gasps
I wish you to be my air

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Looking Towards the New Year

It is always disheartening to come down from the high of Yom Kippur. This year, perhaps more than others, felt more meaningful... I no longer felt as anxious about not eating, or as jittery about the time passing faster. It was just a blissful day of talking to G-d, knowing He was listening to me, and acknowledging my deep desire to be better. Sometimes we apologize to someone and as the words, "I'm sorry," come off our lips we can see they have tuned us out. They have been hurt too deeply to even consider be consoled by two such silly words... I'm sorry...
But G-d? He is different... He waits, and waits, and waits so patiently for us to give an inkling of an apology and then he pushes the door open all the way. He invites us in with a hug, and a kiss. G-d isn't blinded by His emotions. He is overcome with love for us and cannot hold back how happy He is that we have acknowledged our shortcomings but want to better.
Pretty amazing...

On another note, my method of making it through Yom Kippur without agonizing over my lack of coffee or the bagels that awaited me was this...
We don't eat in order to become holy spiritual  beings... we are already holy spiritual beings and therefore do not need to eat.

A Gut Gebentched Yuhr. May we all have a year of goodness, life, laughter, love and success.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Panic

The culmination of a year of success and failures, trials and triumph and happiness and sadness is finally upon us. I tend to wake up the mornings of Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur with this lump in my throat and a paralyzing grasp squeezing my heart.
This is it.
This is the end.
Everything I tried to achieve this year, every test I passed or fail is going to be scrutinized and judged.
Now, I am very aware of my shortcomings. I know that I made mistakes this year. A LOT of them. I made bad choices, bad friends and royally messed up in many ways.
But, at the same time, I am not so humble that I cannot acknowledge the areas in which I succeed. The mentors I became close with, the inspiration I gleaned from the most mundane, and all of my personal achievements and successes. I can visualize my scale in the sky as every action, word and deed line up to be sorted onto the side of good and onto the side of bad. 
"Next up, that time that Rachelli took her 'little sister' to the doctor when her parents had a busy schedule.... and its good!"
Phew. At least I know I have a few things in my favor.
"And now we have that night that Rachelli hung out with a less than savory crowd... That doesn't look too great..."
Luckily, I think I redeemed myself by leaving before things got too messy.
But there it will be, the positives and negatives and everything in between. I imagine Hashem looking over my profile trying to determine if I am worthy of another year of precious life. But thankfully, He also looks at where I am now. Now. Now. In the present. In the moment. Past and future notwithstanding, I am judged for the very instant where I commit myself to making better choices, doing my good, collecting more inspiration and coming closer to G-d. And that's what I want. That's what I have always wanted.
Life is funny in that we know what is the right choice, the right way, the right everything... but we get lost, misguided, confused and forget where we need to be going. 
I saw a quote that about sums this up.... How can the destination be so clear yet we're all so uncertain where we're headed?
We know where we need to be going, but the way to get there is messy, confusing, glorious, joyful, sad, difficult, painful, troubling, beautiful, inspiring and everything else that comes along with this journey we call life.
בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך בה מוליכין אותו
The way in which I want my life to go, that is the direction I will follow.
Tonight at 6:27 pm, and for the 25 hours following, I will state my mission statement for the year to come. I choose a life of meaning, of happiness, of inspiration and purpose. I choose a life worth living, a life I can be proud of and a life that Hashem can be proud of.

Gmar Tov. May we all be inscribed for a year of life, happiness and closeness with the Ribono Shalom. May all of our prayers for ourselves and for Klal Yisroel be answered L'Tova. May this be the year we experience the coming of Moshiach and the final Geula.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Repentence

It's been this way for a while now
Trying to make sense of the madness within
While pretending all is ok
If you saw me this way
Would I look like a storm
Or a rippling lake
It's incredible how strong I can be
When all I want to do is break
I have fought with my demons
And battle them still
In the attack at dawn
I can overcome with my will
But when those enemies of night
Come storming at my door
My strength and faith
Is wasted and poor
There is a certain security
In fighting when there is no chance of success
Because the odds are against me
I can revel in this mess
I'll clean it when the sun rises
There are so many surprises
When I have lost all hope
I believe in second chances
I believe I can try again
Because as the sun sets for the end
It is rising where the world bends.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Five Years

I was looking through my old posts... and then I looked at my first post. I wrote it for Yom Kippur five years ago. I missed my five year anniversary (English date) by two days, but since I wrote that post for Yom Kippur, I think it was before the Hebrew date.

Five years.

I don't think there has been much in my life that I have stuck to doing so consistently. There were definitely breaks during my blogging... a couple days here.... a few weeks of writer's block... months of needing to find a new outlet... but I have always come back here. I suppose I have found that writing here is cathartic... a place for me to express things that would be otherwise socially unacceptable... a soapbox for my opinions and ideals... a safe place for when I want to hide from the world...

I don't know how many people read this.... or if anyone reads this at all.. (ok, I know there are a few.... thank you for sticking by me) but I am so grateful for having this blog, this identity, that allows me to express parts of my soul that I would otherwise keep locked up tight.

So if you have been with me since the beginning, thank you. If you only showed up recently, I hope I didn't scare you too much. If you showed up now, welcome to my little corner of madness... Have some tea and stay a while.

Happy Five Years to me!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Of IVs and Analogies

I am scared that one day I will wake up, unsure of how I got to where I am, no memory of how I lost consciousness and uncertain of what happened during my slumber. I am afraid that my life will end with me just rambling nonsensically of things less lofty than my soul's mission in this world. I worry that while I sleep, in transition to the world to come, I will be unaware of the purgatory I will endure, the cleansing that hopefully might possibly perhaps bring me to a renewed light and energy in the presence of G-d.
I am scared that I will have no memory of my life. Or perhaps, even worse, the only memory I will have will be all my shortcomings, failures, misguided attempts at fulfillment and betrayal of G-d.
If I died tomorrow, could I stand before G-d, proud of my life? Would I stand by my choices, for good or for bad, and they were intended for the service of G-d? Could I defend my actions and explain that I only wanted to come closer to my dear Father?
I worry about the unknown, the blackness and abyss of when G-d puts me to sleep and I rise to His throne and stand for judgement. Will the scale weigh in my favor? Will all of my well meaning intentions be recognized as positive deeds used to bring His glory to the world? To bring me closer to Him? To be the best person I could possibly be?
I am afraid that where I stand now, I would certainly be unable to remain standing. I would fall from the sheer weight of my faults and flaws, and crumble before the Holy One Blessed Be He, because who am I to even attempt to speak in His presence when I have failed Him so terribly?

And then I realize... that while they may have put me under, a medically induced sleep, and I have no recollection of when I went to sleep or how I woke up in another place, I AM awake. I still have time. The shofar may be sounding and selichos may be recited but I have been given another morning, another waking to attempt to rectify the past, to prepare myself for a more beautiful and fulfilling day. A day that G-d will look at me and be proud and say, "You can have one more day. One more day, one more day, a million one more day to make Me proud, to bring My Name and Glory into the world, and for that, you can have one more day."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Musings at 8 am

I wake up in darkness
Though I'm sure my eyes are open
There is fear of this oblivion
But my belief still keeps me hoping

This night can't last forever
The sun still has to rise
I wait in darkness
For the light to reach my eyes

There are those who tell me it's hopeless
And I should just give up
But even when I feel that way
I still have hope even when I'm stuck

As the clock turns its numbers
I see a glimpse of light
There is a glimmer of comfort
That I'll make it through the night

When I feel like nothing will change
And things will be this way forever
I know this moon will wane
And I will face this stormy weather

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Red Alert

It took me almost a month and a half to do it. Yea, I had downloaded the app. I set it to regions that I felt connected to. But... I turned off the notification sound. How could I possibly go about my day with that siren wailing from my phone? How could I get any work done with that incessant sound going off? But then again... how could I not?
I changed the settings to notify me of all rocket alerts in all regions of my beloved Eretz Yisroel. I turned on the notification sound. I have my phone next to me all day. And now... I know what my beloved Eretz Yisroel is enduring.
My heart pounds. My head spins. How can anyone think? How can anyone breathe? How can I live comfortably in my four walls when my brothers and sisters are being bombarded and praying their four walls aren't hit? 
I sit down for breakfast.... RED ALERT.
I daven... RED ALERT.
I start doing some work in front of my computer... RED ALERT.
I go to the bathroom... RED ALERT.
As I type this post, the Red Alert has gone off at least ten times in regions across the country. My Twitter alerts are an additional reminder that this is real. This isn't some virtual reality where the Red Alert only exists in my phone and people aren't running for their lives. This is life. This is the only reality Eretz Yisroel knows right now. 
6,000 miles away, there isn't much I can do. I can donate to the IDF... I can retweet and show my support. I can daven. I can daven. Hashem... I'm davening...
And as I daven... a Red Alert goes off...
Five... four... three... two... one...

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Questions

Can you answer me this
The war
And the relentless hate
The pointless destruction
And senseless loss of life
What is its purpose
Its worth
What lesson
Are we meant to be learning
What question
Should we be answering
Or better yet
What question
Should we be asking
My brothers at war
My sisters in tears
My mother
Lost in her pain
And my father
Unable to end this war
If this is the battle
We are meant to fought
Than better equip us
With a heart of steel
And a mind of knives
For our heart of flesh
Has failed us
And we allow the enemy to flee
We allow the world
To tell us how to be
But all we need
Is to be the people
You know we can be
So as a humble sheep
Among the savage wolves
I strive to live
According to your will
Within the world
You placed me in,

Friday, August 22, 2014

Open Door Policy... Just Please Wipe Your Feet

My doors are wide open
The windows have been unlocked
Come in, stay a while
Have a drink
Or two
I remember you
When you first came around
Hard hitting and hurtful
But now I invite you in again
For a game of chess
Don't mind the mess
I had some visitors the other day
I forgot to put their stuff away
Welcome in
We can hug
Or kiss
Or sit in silence
I am fine with the quiet
Or if you prefer
Let's converse
Discuss
Share what's on your mind
You already know what's on mine
The confusion
And wanderlust
Of where I am
And where I want to be
But here and now
You are sitting beside me
And I think
If I try
I can be ok with that
With just sitting
And looking you in the face
To understand
Your place
In this mixed up head of mine
This state of mind
In this house of glass
That everyone sees inside of
But I just want to see
Inside of me.

Light

I am waking up in darkness
Trying to make sense of chaos
I am writing words
Saying things
I forgot
How to think
To use my head
Making choices
Is a tipping scale
And I've chosen darkness
If I recall the light
I remember
All the happiness I felt
The joy
And bliss
And light
What brilliant
Radiant light
I can remember
I can relive
I can recall
I can
Live,

Breathing Kedusha

I have breathed in Kedusha. I have inhaled the otherworldly air of the Shechina, where the mundane is fleeting and reality is from a higher realm.

I have felt what it's like to look, Panim El Panim, in the face of G-d.

When G-d created us B'Tzelem Elokim, He created human beings with a piece of G-d within them... we posses a piece of G-dliness, so pure and so holy that nothing else can compare... Nishmas Elokim. But, as humans are known to do, we have distorted that purity and sullied it with our own goals and motivations. But G-d created individuals who are free from this plight. Individuals who perhaps do not possess every mental capacity to be in control of their actions, but who possess a soul that is so clean and innocent. 

I cannot full describe what it means to spend seven weeks in  "Heaven on Earth". Coming down from such a high is so achingly painful, my heart is still recovering. When Neshamos connect so deeply and so honestly, anything less than that is difficult to accept. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Answers

Sometimes we get answers
To the questions
We were too scared to ask
Life altering conflicts
Are solved with a simple solution
That while is so painlessly presented
Is more painful
Than if we had risked asking

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Light Words

Words like light
Visual manifestations
Of what is held my heart
My lips cannot formulate
The thoughts I think
They remain dormant
Until in darkness
They are revealed
Like fireflies
Fleeting past the delighted hands
Of the proud ones
Who hold back tears
Together we sing
The wheels go round
And you have finally
Made a sound
We rejoice at your whispers
Because we hear your heart

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Revenge

Take me
Take my wounded
My shattered bones
And broken spirits
Collect my spilled blood
And fallen tears
Remember me
When night falls
And the rest of the world sleeps
But I lay awake
Awaiting a gunshot
Or siren
Because only you
Are by my side
As the rest of the world
Vilifies me
And turns us into the enemy
But it is the enemy
Who has called for war
And I only seek to protect
And perhaps
Slightly
Seek to avenge
Because when someone hurts my brothers
I cannot remain silent
Their blood calls for battle
And I hear the call.

Labels

2011 (1) 49 (1) 5772 (1) acceptance (1) adar (1) adult (1) age (1) aish video (1) aish.com (1) alive (1) america (1) animals (1) apology (1) art (1) attack (1) bad for shidduchim (1) balloons (1) bar yochai (1) baud hamikdash (1) beasts (1) beauty (1) beginning (1) benefit for bentzi (1) bentzi (1) black (1) black and white (1) black friday (1) bleed (1) bless (1) blessing (1) blood (4) boil (1) bomb (1) boston (1) boy (3) boyfriend (1) boys (1) breaking glass (1) breathe (1) broken (1) Building (2) burning (1) bus (1) camera (1) cameron duncan (1) Camp Simcha (8) camp simcha special (1) cancer (1) candy (1) carboload (1) chai lifeline (5) chaim schvarcz (1) challenges (1) chances (1) change (4) channukka (1) chanuka (1) Chanukah (2) chayeinu (1) chesed (1) child (2) children (1) chizuk (1) choice (1) choices (1) chosson (1) christmas (1) chupah (1) cinema (1) class (1) climbing mountains (1) clock (1) close (1) clouds (1) cold (1) color (1) confusion (1) connected (1) Conversation 4 (1) convert (1) count (2) cousins (1) cry (1) CT (1) cyber monday (1) dance (2) danielle (1) danielle zfat (1) dating (3) davening (2) day (1) deals (1) death (6) decision (1) decisions (4) defying gravity (1) desire (1) desires (1) destruction (1) details (1) different (2) diploma (1) direction (1) disconnect (1) donation (1) dr. seuss (1) dreams (2) driving (1) dying (1) education (1) eight days (1) El Al (1) emotion (1) end (1) end of the world (1) engaged (1) Eretz Yisroel (1) explosion (1) facebook (1) facebook nation (1) fairies (1) faith (1) family (1) fear (1) feelings (2) fieldn war zone (1) fighting (1) finish line (1) fire (1) flag (3) flags (1) flight (1) fluff (1) flying (2) Fogel (1) fools (1) forest (1) forever (1) forgiveness (1) freedom (2) friend (3) friends (5) friendship (2) future (3) G-d (1) gadol (1) games (1) gashmius (1) Gatorade (1) gila rina (1) girl (2) give (1) giving (1) going away (1) gone (1) good (1) goodbye (1) google (1) graduation (1) graffiti (1) greeks (1) greeting (1) grin (1) grow (2) growing (3) growth (2) hannukah (1) hanukah (1) happiness (8) happy (2) Hashem (13) head (1) heart (8) heaven (1) hell (1) hello (1) help (2) helping (1) hide (2) holding (1) home (3) honey (1) hot (1) hours (1) hurt (2) hush (1) ice (1) imagination (1) indecisive (1) independence (2) infinite (1) ing (1) innocence (1) insanity (1) insomnia (1) intellect (1) introspection (1) Israel (7) israel day parade (1) israeli flag (2) itamar (2) jerusalem (1) jewish geography (1) jewish novels (1) jewsic passover music video (1) job (1) Judgment (2) kallah (1) klal yisroel (1) LA (1) lag baomer (1) language (1) learn (1) learning (1) legacy (1) lessons (3) life (17) life support (1) light (1) limbo (1) list (1) little leaf (1) lives (1) living (1) look (1) los angelos (1) loss (3) lost (1) love (4) lying (1) magic (1) Mamilla (1) Mamilla Mall (1) man (1) marathon (2) marriage (2) mask (2) masquerade (1) math (1) maybe (1) mazel tov (2) Me (1) meetings (1) meme (1) memories (1) memory (1) Mercy (1) meron (1) messages (1) miami (2) milk (1) mime (1) mind (2) miracle (1) miracles (2) mirror (1) missing (3) Mitzvos (1) mohel (1) mold (1) monkey bars (1) months (1) morality (1) morley (2) morning (1) moshiach (1) movie (1) murder (1) music (1) natural (1) nature (1) new (1) Newtown (1) night (1) no (1) novel (1) now (1) oil (1) omer (1) orthodox jews (1) others (1) pace (1) pain (2) palm trees (1) passover (1) past (1) paste (1) people (1) personal (1) personality (1) pesach (2) peter pan (1) place (1) poem (1) poetic (1) pot (1) prayer (1) present (1) pressure (1) pretend (2) priorities (1) problem (1) professional (1) profile (1) psychology (1) pulse (1) purge (1) question (1) questions (3) quiet (1) quote (1) rabbi akiva (1) race (2) rashbi (1) reading (1) reality (1) recycle (1) redeem (1) redemption (2) related (1) reminders (1) repentance (1) resume (1) return (2) revelation (1) rise (1) road trip (1) roads (1) rogue (1) roller coaster (1) Rosh Hashana (1) round tuit (1) rules (1) run (4) running (1) rushing (1) sad (1) sadness (1) sales (1) Sandy Hook (1) schizo (1) schizophrenia (1) school (2) searching (1) seasons (1) secrets (1) sefira (2) Shabbos (5) shadchan (1) shakespeare (1) shavuos (2) sheva brachos (1) shidduch (2) shidduch crisis (1) shidduch profile (1) shidduch resume (1) shidduchim (1) shield (1) shochet (1) shooteast (1) Shooting (2) sickness (1) silence (3) simcha (1) sing (1) slavery (1) sleep (2) smile (2) smiling (3) smoke (1) sneakers (1) snow (2) soaring (1) sobiech (1) social network (1) society (1) soul (4) spark (1) speaking (2) speical (1) stain (1) staircase (1) starbucks (2) status update (1) stoppard (1) strangers (1) street (1) street art (1) strength (2) strong (1) struggle (1) stuggling (1) stupid (1) suffering (1) summer (1) sunglasses (1) superhero (1) survive (1) swimming (1) talk (1) teacher (2) tears (1) technology (1) teenager (1) tefilla (1) tel aviv (1) terror (1) teshuva (1) texting (1) thanks (1) thanksgiving (1) the purge (1) the purge movie (1) the purge trailer (1) thinking (2) thunder (1) tightrope (1) time (5) tired (2) top ten (1) torah (3) tragedy (1) trailer (1) travel (2) tree (1) tricks (1) truth (1) trying (2) twitter (1) uncertainty (1) understanding (1) unite (1) unity (1) unspoken (1) video (1) voices (1) waiting (2) watch (1) wavin'g flags (1) waving (3) waving flags (2) wayfarers (1) wedding (4) week (1) weird (1) whatsapp (1) Who am I? (1) why (1) wicked (1) wishes (2) wonder (3) wondering (2) wonderland (1) words (2) world (1) wrist (1) wristwatch (1) writing (1) x-mas (1) xmas (1) year (2) Yerushalayim (2) yeshivishe (1) Yetzer Hara (2) yetzer tov (1) yevanim (1) Yirmiyahu (1) Yom Kippur (2) yom tov (1) yom yerushalayim (2) youtube (1) zach (1) zach sobiech (1)