Tuesday, September 8, 2015

It's Only Tuesday?

This has been the kind of week that makes you want to crawl under the covers, hit the rewind, restart, do-over, undo and escape button all at once.
Too much sad news. So many people getting hurt. So much heartache.
I couldn't sleep Motzei Shabbos. She was in my dreams. She was posing for pictures... if only I could have captured them. Her tznius, her beautiful face... what a special neshama. If only there was more I did or said.
And then the kind of news that makes you shudder and squirm. A classmate and a questionable substance. What was so bad that she thought drugs were the answer? Did she have no one to turn to?
And then... a kid...  I was supposed to meet her. People got busy. And now she is dead.
And to think, almost a year ago, G-d decided this would happen. In a sense, they were dead before they died because it would happen whether they tried to prevent or not, whether they made a different choice or not...
This world. This life. This crazy existences.
Makes you think twice, think long and hard about what you will say to G-d next week. What you will ask of Him.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Summer Heat

I lost my way this summer
I thought I had a plan
It was all mapped out
The way things went about
Like a train wreck
Fueled by rocket fuel
Lit on fire by a volcano
Crashed into by a plane
It was pretty ugly
Pretty awful
It felt like
Every wall was moving in
Every window shut tight
Doors locked
Lights off
It was pretty awful
And when I felt like I couldn't breathe
When the room was spinning
And I was sliding into despair
I woke up today
And things
Aren't quite as bad as they were then
The summer
Is just a memory
And tomorrow
Is a mystery
That I am excited to uncover
It was pretty awful
But it wasn't the end
It isn't over
I am not finished
Nice try haters
You can try to tie me down
But I'll get out
Get around
Make some noise
Make a sound
And break through my own silence

Sunday, August 9, 2015

I keep writing these words hoping one day I'll find the right ones to either bring you back or set me free


I have been trying to write
To find some way
To express
My anger
I ache
Trying to write
Some word
To capture
A spectrum of emotions
So wild
And wicked
So instead
I will bottle them up
Shake them
Til they burst
And maybe the words I need
Wi come forth.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Go back

If i could go back
And fix the mistakes I made
the words i said
i never
meant to hurt you
i wanted to be amazing
i wanted to create art
and design
i didn't give you a chance to 
learn the ropes
and develop the feel
i went in for the kill
and now
im at a loss for words
have nothing 
left to say
because no words
no nothing
can fix this
i am sorry
forgive me
being a psycho
there are no excuses
but it is a nightmare in my head
i wish i had woken up sooner

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Journeys (From the Archives)

There are questions
And answers
My view of the skyline
Shows how we have triumphed
And my view from the sky
Shows our scars
The streets tangle into memories
That transverse time
And remind me
Of why the pain felt so good
And the joy felt so strong
It was a searing reminder
Of why life is so wonderful
Even when things go so wrong
The journey led me to strangers
Who eventually became family
When there was no one else
There was always you
And so when I draw my map
All roads will lead me home
Even if I miss the turn
I'll know that my compass points you
And will return me to where I left
And where I have dreamed of coming back to

Friday, July 31, 2015


The conflict of this poem is that I cannot find any peace or comfort in writing it. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. For the first time, I think I will publish an incomplete piece. And find comfort in my own short-comings.
For once.

From where
Will comfort come from
When all of our comforts
Have betrayed us
Batteries dead
Clothing torn
Food spoiled
Jobs lost
Hearts broken
Love lost
Lives take
Can we be comforted
When we feel so uncomfortable
My skin is wrong
I was born in the wrong body
My flesh is a prison
My mind, a locked door
Some imbalance holds they key
But somehow
You will comfort me
The world
Has gone a little mad
Stabbings in the street
Distorted perception of love
But somehow
We shall be comforted
All the pain

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Take Me

Take me

Take all of me

You can have my heart

You can have my soul

Take my sorrow, take my pain

Take my yesterdays and tomorrow

I am a vessel, cracked and chipped

For without being broken

Where would the light shine through

Darkness exists

Simply to be illuminated

So illuminate me

So that I may be a light for others

Monday, July 6, 2015

Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean, Mean What You Feel

It's kind of frightening
To be so honest
To say the rawest of truths
No matter how cruel
Would you rather I sugar coat
And live obliviously
I want to feel like
In every painful moment
So that every moment of joy
Is that much stronger
More to savor
More to enjoy
I didn't expect to feel relieved
But I felt angry
That you had such power over me
To make me feel so inferior
But now
I am superior
And although what we had is lost
And it came at a heavy cost
No longer will I live in a lie
Or cry
Over a boy
Who couldn't bother to say goodbye.

Sunday, May 31, 2015


It still scares me sometimes
How fine I feel
How everything is ok
And I am in a good place
And then
And then
I see your face
I hear your name
My heart stops short
*Press restart*
Start system in safe mode
I thought I felt safe
I thought I felt ok
But then it all comes back
Like a power surge
The years of wanting
And waiting
The crushing disappointment
I never thought I could cry
For something I never had
And never will

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Friday Afternoon

On a warm Friday afternoon
Long before the sun has set into a cool night
A group of people come together
And for a time, the world feels so right
There is a guitar or two
And men who feel their souls
They sing, they dance
As if they have clouds inside their soles
There is no weight in their heart
They can just embrace the day of rest
If every prayer could sound like this
Then the world would be so blessed
With every song, a new circle is formed
Their voices grow louder and stronger
For some it feels like eternity
But I wish this could go on longer
For just an hour or so
I feel like G-d is dancing here too
He joins hands with each of us
And shares His joy in all that is try
In a side room somewhere
A small minyan comes together
And although it's just for a Friday evening
I wish it could go on forever.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Disabilities Do Not Have to Disable

You look at me
The label that you see
The words on a paper
That describe 
Everything I am not
I can not
I will not
You have checked a list
For my dysfunctions
And with that
I am put into a class
Of people who are
I have a disability
But I am not disabled
Because what that paper does not say
Is that I
Love to sing
And run
And dance
I love to be held
And most of all
I love to be loved
To be treated like any other
Maybe I do not reach the typical milestones
But in my world
The miles are not as painful
Because I enjoy every step
Can the same be said for you?

Wednesday, April 29, 2015


I have held my tongue
I have tried to hard
Not to comment
To criticize
My city
Has been in flames
My community
Has been scared
And I
Have been riddled with anxiety
This is not the way
The world should look
Those who aim to protect those
Who aim to riot
Against those
Who protect
Those who riot
And it becomes
A never ending
Circle of
Hatred and destruction
And what do we accomplish?
What do we teach our children?
I believe there are problems
That need solutions
I believe
There are hearts that are aching
And suffering
But what if we
Band of brothers
Decided to be the good
To be the change
The world
Could look so different
But instead
We take to the streets
With rocks and weapons
And loot our own neighbors
And that creates justice?
I am a small voice
And I should say nothing at all
But to be honest
It hurts to see this
It hurts to know that this can happen
And it hurts more to know
There is nothing I can do.

Sunday, April 19, 2015


I am divergent
I am the anomaly
They tried
Not to answer
I ask questions
That are questionable
There are no sources
For what seduces my mind
And sometimes I find myself
If right and wrong
Are so black and white
Cuz I feel so heavy
Hanging near the light
And the darkness is just oh so tempting
Give me a little fun
And no regrets
One and done
That's all it has to be
So follow me
Down this rabbit hole
And see you on the other side
Of wonder

Sunday, March 29, 2015


Is love sensible
Or can it be
Can it make a sane mind
Lost to find
If we lose ourselves
Will we find
The other half
This path
To completion
Is riddled with riddles
And jacked up with jokes
I have to laugh
At what has passed
It has taught me more
Than any lesson
It does not lesson
The need to find
My hearts' mind
Found in the hand
Of another
Yet there is not other
Except you
Too true
I will search
I will find
I will be fine

Sunday, March 22, 2015

After the Fire

They are debating your goodness
And questioning your kindness
They wonder about your love
And contest your concern
It was a fire
An inferno of uncontrollable destruction
But your affection
Is boundless as well
It it within our finite minds
That we limit your infinite wisdom
And try to make boundaries
Within which to understand
This tragedy
Because it is a tragedy
It is an awful, horrific
Heart wrenching, mind numbing tragedy
But you
Are the remedy
You give the cure
Before the curse
And we
Your children
Have to simply ask for it
And there it is

Baruch Dayan HaEmes
You are the true judge

Friday, March 20, 2015

Be Strong

I need you to be strong
I need you to realize
You have more power
Despite what you look like
On the outside
I know you have been beaten
And battered
And have taken more abused
But you are still so pure
So strong
Be strong for me
Even when the walls
Crumble around you
Even when the world
Has turned its back on you
Be strong
Be strong
My little soul
Be strong

Thursday, March 19, 2015


It's 1 am. i just came back from a friends wedding. i wasnt planning on staying so late... or at all. But then I had a drink... and then another... and then another.. and then i felt happy... and there was music... so i danced... and as i went in circles....around ....around... i thought about how my life... is a series of circles... cycles... patterns.... right... fooot...left..hand... and then i switch it up and repeat. but its the same and then it isnt. i try to make sense,.. but its too loud, too dizzy...

I am at a place in my life where it is a constant struggle between wanting to disappear and wanting to be noticed

I love the attention... the thrill of being wanted.... and then all of a sudden, it is all too much. and i just want to get on a plane and fly straight to the mountain side in bat ayin where i realized that G-d is really in this world, the way He can make me feel so small.. and yet so big, so many possibilites, all t once.
and rightg now, the possibilities are swirling like the wind that has been messing up my hairs for the past two days. its relentless and destructive. how do i behave? what choices am i supposed to make? i dont want to lose an opportunity i am meant to have but i dont want to regret the choices i make that sacrafice my happiness. i want to be happy. i want to be fulfilled. i dont know what i want.
perhaps another drink. 
perhaps another dance.
I want to dance. I really want to dance.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How much I want you
Can only be matched
By how petrified I am
That one day you will discover
I have been wearing a mask
Solely because I know
The real me
Was never someone you wanted

Thursday, March 5, 2015


Close my eyes
Inhale deeply
Tilt back
And swallow
This sweet elixir
A quick fixer
My soul feels warm
My face is bright
On this night
Miracles can happen
I will hang my enemy on a tree
And the ten accomplices
Who have torn me down
Will be raised for the world to see
And the runners
Will run
And we will fight
I will fight
On this night
I will no longer be afraid
Only I can
Save (myself)
No one else
Will redeem me
From the King
Only if I choose
To approach
Broken and submissive
Perhaps he will see
What my heart truly desires
What I long for
And wait for
If only
If only
We will rejoice
We will dance
Together in the courtyard
Of the palace
That will soon be built
And then
I will close my eyes
Tilt my head forward
Drink a small lip
He will smash a glass
And all the pain
Will recede to the past
As my soul feels warm
My face is bright

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Remain Silent No More

It's a beautiful moment, a celebration worthy of a holiday for the ages. After being threatened with annihilation, the Jewish people have overcome the wicked Haman (BOO!) and defeated their enemies. We are no longer forced to bow to idolatry or fear attack. Mordechai is hailed as the nation's leader and appointed as the King's advisor. Esther is the heroine who risked her life for her people. A woman of valor.
Yet, when we sing about the epic salvation, we forget one thing... we forget one person... and as the story fades into drunken revelry and celebration, I see her standing at a palace window, staring longingly, filled with pain... and painfully alone. Although the Jewish people were able to make a quick separation from their enemies by the swore, Esther was still the Queen, married to the idiot King, the stable boy who never lost that brash and stupid attitude that he grew up with.
Do we think about Esther? Do we remember that while her nation was redeemed, her personal redemption never came? She was never able to support her husband in learning Torah or celebrate in unison the beauty of Jewish marriage.
I don't profess to know all the details of the post-Megilla story, but I can't help but wonder what really happened to Esther when the last decree was finalized and it was official that her people would not be wiped out.
Did she cry? Did she laugh? If she accepted Ratzon Hashem, and never felt cheated out of the life she could have had, what life did she end up having? She wasn't waltzing around naked at parties like the wife before, and how often would Achashverosh call for her attendance at his parties? Did she sit all day and say Tehillem? Did she attend royal meetings and give her opinion on the state of affairs? I wish I could ask Esther how she could remain strong for the years following the Purim story. I feel drawn to a certain poem written by a blogger I always admired (I wonder where he disappeared to...) 

I've always misunderstood...
just what a nisayon is...
where the true..
the true...pinnacle of a spiritual test lie..
but I think I now know...

Its not the climb..
that difficult time...
It's not the test...
that brings out the best..
that makes you sweat...
spiritualphysical sweat..
and it's not the feeling you get..
on your way down..
the subdued elational fall..
It's not the Akeida..
..................after all
we can all have our moments..
when called 
to Action....

It's the letting down your guard..
expecting some kind of reward..
It's the coming home...
from the Akeida..and finding
your wife dead of grief...
It's coming to work the day after..your climb..
and losing your best account..

when self righteous annoyance...
turns into selfless acceptance..
which in turn..
turns into...submissive bliss...

That..I'm afraid...
Is the moment...of Nisayon..

Esther made sacrifice after sacrifice for her people. No one can imagine the nisyonos she struggled with in the face of cruel and ruthless villain. Yet, was that her hardest nisayon? 

יד  כִּי אִם-הַחֲרֵשׁ תַּחֲרִישִׁי, בָּעֵת הַזֹּאת--רֶוַח וְהַצָּלָה יַעֲמוֹד לַיְּהוּדִים מִמָּקוֹם אַחֵר, וְאַתְּ וּבֵית-אָבִיךְ תֹּאבֵדוּ; וּמִי יוֹדֵעַ--אִם-לְעֵת כָּזֹאת, הִגַּעַתְּ לַמַּלְכו
For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

But once we finish reading about Esther in the context of the Megilla, she becomes silent once more, her voice lost as Tanach is sealed for all time. 
Esther... we need your voice once more. We need you to beseech on our behalf once more so we can all be redeemed from the reign of evil and idicoy, so that we can rejoice with Mishta and wine and show G-d that once more, once again, we accept Him, we love Him with every part of our bodies and souls and want nothing more than to sing to Him...
Remain silent no more.


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