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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Repentence

It's been this way for a while now
Trying to make sense of the madness within
While pretending all is ok
If you saw me this way
Would I look like a storm
Or a rippling lake
It's incredible how strong I can be
When all I want to do is break
I have fought with my demons
And battle them still
In the attack at dawn
I can overcome with my will
But when those enemies of night
Come storming at my door
My strength and faith
Is wasted and poor
There is a certain security
In fighting when there is no chance of success
Because the odds are against me
I can revel in this mess
I'll clean it when the sun rises
There are so many surprises
When I have lost all hope
I believe in second chances
I believe I can try again
Because as the sun sets for the end
It is rising where the world bends.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Five Years

I was looking through my old posts... and then I looked at my first post. I wrote it for Yom Kippur five years ago. I missed my five year anniversary (English date) by two days, but since I wrote that post for Yom Kippur, I think it was before the Hebrew date.

Five years.

I don't think there has been much in my life that I have stuck to doing so consistently. There were definitely breaks during my blogging... a couple days here.... a few weeks of writer's block... months of needing to find a new outlet... but I have always come back here. I suppose I have found that writing here is cathartic... a place for me to express things that would be otherwise socially unacceptable... a soapbox for my opinions and ideals... a safe place for when I want to hide from the world...

I don't know how many people read this.... or if anyone reads this at all.. (ok, I know there are a few.... thank you for sticking by me) but I am so grateful for having this blog, this identity, that allows me to express parts of my soul that I would otherwise keep locked up tight.

So if you have been with me since the beginning, thank you. If you only showed up recently, I hope I didn't scare you too much. If you showed up now, welcome to my little corner of madness... Have some tea and stay a while.

Happy Five Years to me!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Of IVs and Analogies

I am scared that one day I will wake up, unsure of how I got to where I am, no memory of how I lost consciousness and uncertain of what happened during my slumber. I am afraid that my life will end with me just rambling nonsensically of things less lofty than my soul's mission in this world. I worry that while I sleep, in transition to the world to come, I will be unaware of the purgatory I will endure, the cleansing that hopefully might possibly perhaps bring me to a renewed light and energy in the presence of G-d.
I am scared that I will have no memory of my life. Or perhaps, even worse, the only memory I will have will be all my shortcomings, failures, misguided attempts at fulfillment and betrayal of G-d.
If I died tomorrow, could I stand before G-d, proud of my life? Would I stand by my choices, for good or for bad, and they were intended for the service of G-d? Could I defend my actions and explain that I only wanted to come closer to my dear Father?
I worry about the unknown, the blackness and abyss of when G-d puts me to sleep and I rise to His throne and stand for judgement. Will the scale weigh in my favor? Will all of my well meaning intentions be recognized as positive deeds used to bring His glory to the world? To bring me closer to Him? To be the best person I could possibly be?
I am afraid that where I stand now, I would certainly be unable to remain standing. I would fall from the sheer weight of my faults and flaws, and crumble before the Holy One Blessed Be He, because who am I to even attempt to speak in His presence when I have failed Him so terribly?

And then I realize... that while they may have put me under, a medically induced sleep, and I have no recollection of when I went to sleep or how I woke up in another place, I AM awake. I still have time. The shofar may be sounding and selichos may be recited but I have been given another morning, another waking to attempt to rectify the past, to prepare myself for a more beautiful and fulfilling day. A day that G-d will look at me and be proud and say, "You can have one more day. One more day, one more day, a million one more day to make Me proud, to bring My Name and Glory into the world, and for that, you can have one more day."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Musings at 8 am

I wake up in darkness
Though I'm sure my eyes are open
There is fear of this oblivion
But my belief still keeps me hoping

This night can't last forever
The sun still has to rise
I wait in darkness
For the light to reach my eyes

There are those who tell me it's hopeless
And I should just give up
But even when I feel that way
I still have hope even when I'm stuck

As the clock turns its numbers
I see a glimpse of light
There is a glimmer of comfort
That I'll make it through the night

When I feel like nothing will change
And things will be this way forever
I know this moon will wane
And I will face this stormy weather

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Red Alert

It took me almost a month and a half to do it. Yea, I had downloaded the app. I set it to regions that I felt connected to. But... I turned off the notification sound. How could I possibly go about my day with that siren wailing from my phone? How could I get any work done with that incessant sound going off? But then again... how could I not?
I changed the settings to notify me of all rocket alerts in all regions of my beloved Eretz Yisroel. I turned on the notification sound. I have my phone next to me all day. And now... I know what my beloved Eretz Yisroel is enduring.
My heart pounds. My head spins. How can anyone think? How can anyone breathe? How can I live comfortably in my four walls when my brothers and sisters are being bombarded and praying their four walls aren't hit? 
I sit down for breakfast.... RED ALERT.
I daven... RED ALERT.
I start doing some work in front of my computer... RED ALERT.
I go to the bathroom... RED ALERT.
As I type this post, the Red Alert has gone off at least ten times in regions across the country. My Twitter alerts are an additional reminder that this is real. This isn't some virtual reality where the Red Alert only exists in my phone and people aren't running for their lives. This is life. This is the only reality Eretz Yisroel knows right now. 
6,000 miles away, there isn't much I can do. I can donate to the IDF... I can retweet and show my support. I can daven. I can daven. Hashem... I'm davening...
And as I daven... a Red Alert goes off...
Five... four... three... two... one...

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Questions

Can you answer me this
The war
And the relentless hate
The pointless destruction
And senseless loss of life
What is its purpose
Its worth
What lesson
Are we meant to be learning
What question
Should we be answering
Or better yet
What question
Should we be asking
My brothers at war
My sisters in tears
My mother
Lost in her pain
And my father
Unable to end this war
If this is the battle
We are meant to fought
Than better equip us
With a heart of steel
And a mind of knives
For our heart of flesh
Has failed us
And we allow the enemy to flee
We allow the world
To tell us how to be
But all we need
Is to be the people
You know we can be
So as a humble sheep
Among the savage wolves
I strive to live
According to your will
Within the world
You placed me in,

Friday, August 22, 2014

Open Door Policy... Just Please Wipe Your Feet

My doors are wide open
The windows have been unlocked
Come in, stay a while
Have a drink
Or two
I remember you
When you first came around
Hard hitting and hurtful
But now I invite you in again
For a game of chess
Don't mind the mess
I had some visitors the other day
I forgot to put their stuff away
Welcome in
We can hug
Or kiss
Or sit in silence
I am fine with the quiet
Or if you prefer
Let's converse
Discuss
Share what's on your mind
You already know what's on mine
The confusion
And wanderlust
Of where I am
And where I want to be
But here and now
You are sitting beside me
And I think
If I try
I can be ok with that
With just sitting
And looking you in the face
To understand
Your place
In this mixed up head of mine
This state of mind
In this house of glass
That everyone sees inside of
But I just want to see
Inside of me.

Light

I am waking up in darkness
Trying to make sense of chaos
I am writing words
Saying things
I forgot
How to think
To use my head
Making choices
Is a tipping scale
And I've chosen darkness
If I recall the light
I remember
All the happiness I felt
The joy
And bliss
And light
What brilliant
Radiant light
I can remember
I can relive
I can recall
I can
Live,

Breathing Kedusha

I have breathed in Kedusha. I have inhaled the otherworldly air of the Shechina, where the mundane is fleeting and reality is from a higher realm.

I have felt what it's like to look, Panim El Panim, in the face of G-d.

When G-d created us B'Tzelem Elokim, He created human beings with a piece of G-d within them... we posses a piece of G-dliness, so pure and so holy that nothing else can compare... Nishmas Elokim. But, as humans are known to do, we have distorted that purity and sullied it with our own goals and motivations. But G-d created individuals who are free from this plight. Individuals who perhaps do not possess every mental capacity to be in control of their actions, but who possess a soul that is so clean and innocent. 

I cannot full describe what it means to spend seven weeks in  "Heaven on Earth". Coming down from such a high is so achingly painful, my heart is still recovering. When Neshamos connect so deeply and so honestly, anything less than that is difficult to accept. 

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Answers

Sometimes we get answers
To the questions
We were too scared to ask
Life altering conflicts
Are solved with a simple solution
That while is so painlessly presented
Is more painful
Than if we had risked asking

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Light Words

Words like light
Visual manifestations
Of what is held my heart
My lips cannot formulate
The thoughts I think
They remain dormant
Until in darkness
They are revealed
Like fireflies
Fleeting past the delighted hands
Of the proud ones
Who hold back tears
Together we sing
The wheels go round
And you have finally
Made a sound
We rejoice at your whispers
Because we hear your heart

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Revenge

Take me
Take my wounded
My shattered bones
And broken spirits
Collect my spilled blood
And fallen tears
Remember me
When night falls
And the rest of the world sleeps
But I lay awake
Awaiting a gunshot
Or siren
Because only you
Are by my side
As the rest of the world
Vilifies me
And turns us into the enemy
But it is the enemy
Who has called for war
And I only seek to protect
And perhaps
Slightly
Seek to avenge
Because when someone hurts my brothers
I cannot remain silent
Their blood calls for battle
And I hear the call.

Friday, July 11, 2014

War

Before you start a war, you better know what you're fighting for.


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Next Day

By now my Facebook feed has been flooded with links and posts about the tragic murders of Eyal, Gilad and Naftali. Everyone has an opinion, a point to make, a finger to wave and comment to make. People have expressed anger, grief, sadness, disbelief, shock and most of all, pain. We are clearly a nation struggling to make sense of a senseless act. The way the world views the Jewish people is clearly a twisted view of how people, human beings, should be treated. We are pushed aside, neglected, scorned, vilified... we are a thorn in the side of the world. Tolerated, yes... but accepted? Never. No matter how much we try to fit in, blend in, be a part of the world at large, we will always be the outsiders. And that is the way it should be. Being the "Am Segula" means that we live on a higher realm of existence. It means that when someone tries to tear us down, we become stronger for it. One post I saw that struck me was one that went like this... "if they were murdered soon after being kidnapped, why did we have to go through 18 days of wondering and wishing for their return? Because if it had been an open-shut case of 'boys kidnapped, boys murdered, boys found' then we would not have taken action on our own to beseech the heavens for their return. For 18 days we prayed, took upon kabalos, kept shabbos, lit candles, and all other manners of trying to better ourselves, to show G-d how much we want our brothers back. We needed these 18 days to make a change."
Nothing could have heal the pain we feel for this horrific lost. I can't give a reason or explanation. I can't forgive the animals who did this. I can't calm this storm inside that makes me just want to rip them to pieces. But bloodshed isn't the answer.
Prayer is.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Revenge

You dirty, cruel monsters killed
Not one
Not two
But three
Three of my brothers
You kidnapped their bodies
And then stole their souls
Their blood cries from the earth
And mine burns with fury and pain
6,000 miles away
I surge with a passion
To exact a meticulous, murderous revenge
To raze anyone in my way
Until I can gouge the eyes of those
Who took my brothers
My brothers
Who I prayed for
Longed for
And now,
Have lost
If the world does not respond
With the intensity that is felt by us all
Then let the world burn down
Because a world that can let this go on
Is not a world I want to belong to.
Eyal... Naftali... Gilad...
I never met you
I never knew you
Until a few weeks ago
When your names
Evoked such an ache in my heart
And now
Such a pain in my soul...
I want nothing more
Than to race around the world
Send us all back in time
And change that one step
That brought us to where we are today
Yearning and learning
That G-d
Has a plan
And while it hurts
I must... MUST believe
That it is His will
And for the loss of your souls
I must better myself
I must better my world
I must better the world
So that your deaths
Are not in vain.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Guess Who's Back

Pull it together... you look like a fool out there.
Well, you make me like that.
Puh-lease. You are in control here. You HAVE been in control. But now you are letting yourself get turned upside way too easily. It's not even an effort... I mean, come on.
I got it now. Really. I'll be better.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

We All Feel It

We all feel it
This gaping hole
This widening pit
This endless abyss
Of waiting
Holding our collective breath
Refreshing the news pages
Reciting prayers
In hushed tones with tears
And in screams
Of agony
We all feel
This pain
This frustration and anger
But mostly
We feel hurt
We are hurting
A part of our national body
Has been ripped away
And we are searching for that crucial limb
That life sustaining nerve and artery
Of a people that rely so heavily on each other
We all feel
Like part of ourselves is missing
And we hope
We pray to G-d
That we are reunited soon
Because to feel this loss
Forever
Would be a feeling
We could never forget.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Start Again

The end is the beginning
Where the book closes
Another word is being written
And when you feel like the dust
Has been bitten
And the road falls off the edge
There is always a way
To take a step back
And turn around
The final sound
Is the last exhale
Of life's breath
But the beating
Of a broken heart
Is simply a finish line
That will become a new start
And all the pain
Will be worth a medal one day
With a shiny engraving that reads
"I did not give up"
Even when that last second
Has passed
There is one more moment
To leave it all in the past
And one day
I hope to leave you there
And live a new way
Without thinking about you.

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