Thursday, June 23, 2016

Take me Home

I ache for you
My heart shudders with desire
To be home
To walk the stone streets
To breathe the holy air
I want to lay eyes upon
The faces that color the streets
Of the past, present and future
I want to return to the city
Where my heart felt alive
My spirit danced
My soul was on fire
There was something in the sky
In the dirt
Between the walls
I was free
I want to feel free
I want to feel limitless
I want to be home
Where my heart is

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Shavuos Musings

If I am a Sefer Torah
This life is the mountain

If I am to be received
I must be readied

If I must climb a mountain
The journey should be decorated and beautiful

If there is a storm of lightning and thunder
I must be prepared to dance in the rain

If I am more precious than any imagined treasure
I must take great care to protect myself

If I am kept safe in the holy of holies
I must be as pure as gold and just as bright

If I am a Sefer Torah
G-d is waiting to give my testament to the world

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Dreams

Sometimes I am scared to wake up. Sometimes my dreams feel so real, so much better than my reality. In my sleep, I feel happy and safe. I know it isn't real. I know it's just that- a dream. But aren't dreams something hold on to? To believe in? Or are those only aspirations that we create and not the products of the unconscious mind...
Is it so bad to feel so happy in those dreams? Sometimes I just want to stay asleep so I can be in that happy place.
What is the purpose of a dream? Is it a foreteller of what's to come? Is it a tease of what we want the most? Does it have some deeper, abstract meaning? 
I just want that feeling during the day. To feel safe. To feel loved. To feel adored. Why is that so hard?
I tried to find that in someone who wasn't right for me. I projected everything I wanted to feel but ultimately felt nothing. I couldn't create feelings that wouldn't come. I couldn't pretend. 
But in my dreams, it's just want I want. It's what I dream for when I am awake. I don't know how to make it happen. I am asleep and unconscious but that is when I feel most alive.

Little Light

Let's look up and wonder
Marvel in the darkness
Caught in a storm of lightning bug thunder

Grab some jars
We're off to chase our dreams
But instead we found these flickering stars

Hold onto them tight
They are trying to hide their light
And make us feel blind in the night

Caught one, maybe two
But the journey wasn't about filling up bottles
It was about being here with you

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Heart

What is this
Lumpy red.... thing...
In my hand...
It beats
It bleeds
It is dripping
On the floor
(I just cleaned there)
What a mess
I confess
I don't understand the function
Of this thumping.... thing.
There are trails leading in
And out
But what is more
It is crying
Laughing
Loving
Lying
It is
A disaster of a thing
But what is worse
Than the mess it's making
Is the pathetic fact
That I am a slave
To its rhythm 
Its endless 
Unending
Thump...
Thump...
Thunk...


Two Faced

We work together.
It would never work.
I feel too strongly.
I feel everything.
He is so intuitive. 
Why does isn't he in tune to how he makes me feel?
Everyone says it's a good idea. 
Does he think so too? Will he ever?
I am his right hand woman. 
Will he ever take my left hand?
He calls me Friday. 
I wish he would call me everyday.
I get angry that he doesn't get it. 
I would do anything for him.
It's like a rollercoaster. 
He makes me feel the ups and the highs.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 
I have been holding on for too long.
There are two sides to every story.
And he will never know mine.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Love Sick

נפשי חולת אהבתך
I want to be
Love sick for you
To be apart
An ache in my heart
To be together
Pure bliss
Whatever
To feel giddy
Childlike
Take me to the playground
Push me on the swings
Let's slide together
Hand in hand
Sit
Side by side
You see me
All of me
Flaws
Faults
Passion
Perfection
I want to be
Madly
Hopelessly
In love with you
So please
Love me too

Friday, April 1, 2016

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Til Death Do Us Part

They got it wrong
It's not about death do us part
It's about living life
To the fullest and with heart
In the little moments
In waking up together
Sharing every day
And going to sleep
In the most blissful way
Forget about dramatics
And romantics
They blind and break
It's about how you make
Me feel every day
Without grand gestures
Or fanfare
It's just knowing you care
And how I can show you the same
So maybe I am not swept in a flutter
Or flying in the clouds
But there is something here

Monday, December 14, 2015

Dying Stars

"You can be dead inside and still shine, don't believe me? Just ask the stars." (VaZaki Nada)

Keep it together
Don't fall apart
Stay shine
Glow brighter
Don't let anyone know
You are dying inside
That they have taken everything
And left you empty
Wishing to be filled
Wishing to be full
All these lights
Mean nothing
If the darkness grows 
All consuming
Thick
Black
Darkness
But you have to smile
You have to push forward
Until
At the end of the battle
You find
You lost the war

Sunday, November 29, 2015

It Comes to This

It comes to this
Time to say
No more
I won't be 
Yours.
You have had me
At the push of a button
But I have had enough
Of being that girl
The one you call
Who always says yes
I can do
Better.
Better than you
Better than being used
So take your girl friday
And find another.

Friday, November 20, 2015

We and I are not an Island

We hear the news
See a tweet
Read a post
Watch a video
Hearts
Breaking
Slowly
But why
He is
A thousand miles away
We never met
We never spoke
Before today
I never knew his name
Yet
Geographical distance
Emotional separation
Never divides
A national connection
A communal responsibility
For him
For his family
His school
His community
So
We are all hurting
My little island
Has become
A state
A country
A world
We are all connected
We have built bridges to one another
We have found a way
To find each other
We
And I
Are not an island
We
Are
Never
Alone.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

My Judaism

My Judaism wants to be bright and beautiful; something filled with light and laughter

(My Judaism is tested too often that I feel dark and grey; I have little energy to keep trying)

My Judaism loves to hear the sound of a child singing Anim Zemiros, of little voices saying Shema with eyes covered; of clear and strong children chanting Torah after Rebbe.

(My Judaism has to believe that there are sick children for a reason, a reason too great and terrible for me to understand. My Judaism strives to find meaning in illness and light in dark places. But still, I struggle to understand why families move into the hospital, why poison is pumped like candy, but tastes like death and still, children die.)

My Judaism knows my prince is out there and that G-d will not let me be single forever.

(My Judaism doesn't get how the system we have marries people off when it feels so flawed and broke, but I continue to play into its trite demands.)

My Judaism believes in the power of unity, wishes to find connection where the chain is broken, and hopes to repair the cracks so many fall though.

(My Judaism knows we will all be together one day, happy, healthy and whole)

Saturday, November 7, 2015

My Judiasm: Sarah Tuttle Singer

I have been following Sarah's writings for a little while. She is feisty, and fierce. She speaks openly about her opinions, thoughts.... this one spoke to me. I don't neccessarily agree with everything she writes, but her raw honesty is so refreshing in a world where we taboo so much.



My Judaism is a wild dance, red wine on my lips, Uncle Robert on guitar, and AuntCaren on tambourine. My Judaism is my father bellowing the wrong words in Hebrew because he chose our tribe when my mom chose him, and he's still learning, and he will never give up.

(My Judaism is not afraid of failing, because I know I'll get it right some day. )

My Judaism chose not to be a mother at 19, to ask for help where she knew she would find it: And my Judaism is the rabbi who looked into my frightened eyes and said "anything you need."

(My Judaism accepts the past, makes peace with it, and moves ahead.)

My Judaism held my mother in her arms when she took her last breath, in the very bed where she nursed me when I was a baby. My Judaism screamed FUCK CANCER at the top of my lungs, then smashed a mirror, and tore her shirt.

(My Judaism will not say "blessed is the true judge," because cancer is bullshit, and my mom should still be alive. )

My Judaism is latkes and presents and spinning the dreidel, and being tucked safely into bed at night with the doll my parents got me for Hanukkah. My Judaism is guiding my daughter's hand when she lights the candles on Shabbat, it's pouring grape juice in a glass of my son so he can lead kiddush. It's sprinkling salt on challah, and breaking it for the three of us. My Judaism is imagining what's next, and how to make the world a better place.

(My Judaism is, and was, and will be. )

And for now, today, I'll drink more wine, and celebrate this sweet new week.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Alternate Options

He says he is done. No more. He won't do it. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And that's what he thinks is happening here. He is young. He is frustrated. He is trying to make sense of heart ache. His heart has been broken too many times. He has been tortured. Abused. This system chewed him up and spit him out. He is different. Looks different. Believes different. Dresses different. And because of that, now he wants to marry different. Different religion. This one just isn't working for him anymore.
And what can I say.
What can I do?
I am just as burnt out. I am just as angry and frustrated. My heart has been broken too many times to count (if you have been here long enough, you have read about it.)
So how can I tell him, that despite all the heartbreak, the hour-long dates ending in disappointment, the countless resumes that are just so wrong, there is still hope. I still believe. I believe that G-d will not let me remain single forever. Just long enough.
Can I tell him that the waiting sucks but it will be worthwhile? Can I tell him that if he marries someone who is not like him, at the fundamentals of his existence, that THAT will break my heart even more?
What can I tell him?

Friday, October 16, 2015

This Sinking Ship

Save us please
From this sinking ship
It has been raining for days
The earth has been soaked
Drenched
Flooded
The rivers
Have overflowed
There is a rising tide
And no where to hide
The world has wiped us away
And all that remains
Is this ship
Held up only by our faith
Which is being shaken
Hard
There are enemies
So cruel
So evil
Pure
Evil
And they are trying to tear us apart
Shoot holes in our hull
Bring us under the surface
Drown us
They have drowned us
In our tears
In our blood
They won't cease
Until we cease to exist
But You promised
40 days, 40 nights
And the flood would end
But can we last that long?
Give us a sign
Give us something to hold onto
Something to believe in
We believe
That there will be peace
That the world will return
To order and truth
You showed us your promise
Now end the waves of terror
End the floods of incitement and force
Return us to a world
Where your might is the only thing we fear
And Your power
Takes our breath away
A world
Where tears do not soak the earth
Rather they are only shed for happiness

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

It's Only Tuesday?

This has been the kind of week that makes you want to crawl under the covers, hit the rewind, restart, do-over, undo and escape button all at once.
Too much sad news. So many people getting hurt. So much heartache.
I couldn't sleep Motzei Shabbos. She was in my dreams. She was posing for pictures... if only I could have captured them. Her tznius, her beautiful face... what a special neshama. If only there was more I did or said.
And then the kind of news that makes you shudder and squirm. A classmate and a questionable substance. What was so bad that she thought drugs were the answer? Did she have no one to turn to?
And then... a kid...  I was supposed to meet her. People got busy. And now she is dead.
And to think, almost a year ago, G-d decided this would happen. In a sense, they were dead before they died because it would happen whether they tried to prevent or not, whether they made a different choice or not...
This world. This life. This crazy existences.
Makes you think twice, think long and hard about what you will say to G-d next week. What you will ask of Him.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Summer Heat

I lost my way this summer
I thought I had a plan
It was all mapped out
The way things went about
Like a train wreck
Fueled by rocket fuel
Lit on fire by a volcano
Crashed into by a plane
It was pretty ugly
Pretty awful
It felt like
Every wall was moving in
Every window shut tight
Doors locked
Lights off
Air
Sucked
Out
It was pretty awful
And when I felt like I couldn't breathe
When the room was spinning
And I was sliding into despair
I woke up today
And things
Aren't quite as bad as they were then
The summer
Is just a memory
And tomorrow
Is a mystery
That I am excited to uncover
So...
It was pretty awful
But it wasn't the end
It isn't over
I am not finished
So
Nice try haters
You can try to tie me down
But I'll get out
Get around
Make some noise
Make a sound
And break through my own silence

Sunday, August 9, 2015

I keep writing these words hoping one day I'll find the right ones to either bring you back or set me free

...
@Leo_Words

I have been trying to write
To find some way
To express
My anger
Anxiety
Apathy
Ache
Ache
I ache
Trying to write
Something
Some word
To capture
A spectrum of emotions
So wild
And wicked
So instead
I will bottle them up
Shake them
Til they burst
And maybe the words I need
Wi come forth.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Go back

If i could go back
And fix the mistakes I made
the words i said
i never
meant to hurt you
i wanted to be amazing
i wanted to create art
and design
i didn't give you a chance to 
learn the ropes
and develop the feel
instead
i went in for the kill
and now
im at a loss for words
have nothing 
left to say
because no words
no nothing
can fix this
please
i am sorry
forgive me
for
being a psycho
there are no excuses
but it is a nightmare in my head
i wish i had woken up sooner

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