Up to the Clouds

As the end of my semester comes to a close, I am starting to feel the pressure. The stress. The anxiety. It’s building up. I am trying to find time to just wind down, space out, and not feel so focused so that I don’t completely lose it. It’s hard to find the balance between totally frying my brain and just relaxing. In seminary we learned that you can’t just “space out”. We were here for a purpose, and tuning out isn’t going to help us accomplish anything. But I digress.

A video recently went viral that has made me rethink my values and goals. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and watch:

I first saw Clouds and affect on me. Watching Zach struggle with cancer and still be able to maintain such an uplifting and positive attitude was inspiring. As he says in the video, “You don't have to find out you're dying to start living.” Life is  challenging. No one questions that. But to tune out and turn off is simply letting yourself succumb and in succumbing, you won’t succeed. Sometimes we forget how closely those two states are:

Watching this video, I am reminded of my own mortality. Zach knew that he had an expiration date on his. Less than a year or so. Me? It could be today. Tomorrow. (Hopefully, 120) I don’t know. In one of my psychology classes, we were discussing death. I, in all innocence (ok, mischeif), asked, “Why are people afraid to die?” The teacher responded, “In this classroom we could have many different reasons for each person!” I wanted to know what they were. Uncharacteristically of the class, everyone raised their hands to give their answers. Answers varied from “not having enough time,” “having to say goodbye,” “the actual moment,” “not acoomplishing everything I wanted to.”

It was intense and overwhelming. We spend so much time avoiding these kinds of conversations. When I tell people about my career choice, working with children with terminal illnesses, they cringe. Is it because of the sadness of working with a sick child or because they know they have to face their own mortality? I would venture to say it is a bit of both, but I am of the opinion that the work I will do will provide joy into that dark world and brighten an otherwise terrible situation. When you focus on living, REALLY living, death is merely just the next challenge. To quote: “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Zach embraced this. By writing and singing his songs, he left his legacy for people to learn from. Seforim epitomize this concept. The author may have passed on, but his memory is carried on forever. When we remember him, it is not for the tragedy of his death, but for the legacy of his life.

So the question is, with every challenge we must face, what legacy will you leave behind? How will you be remembered? What sort of life will you live, so that when people think of you, they think of your accomplishments and success?

Hmm..

Running

Running
Legs moving
Heart racing
Breath
Pacing
Chasing
I'd rather be
Spacing out
Or perhaps
Tuning in
Turning away from sin
Racing
To something better
Something that matters
We are running
Running always
After things
And stuff
It's none too tough
Cuz we don't dare get too rough
Keep it simple
Surface
It may be
Shallow
But I can't swallow
I can't even breathe
Cuz I am still
Running.

Pre-Game

He is coming over
It is last minute, I know
But don't stress
Seriously?
I haven't a bloody clue
How to dress
What makes you think
I am trying too hard
Or will
Let down my guard?
These heels are for protection
And I hope you will be
The sole of discretion
And please don't mention
That I put on eyeshadow
Well hello
Not quite what I expected
But don't feel rejected
You still have a chance
So speak your mind
I have yet to find
Sonething to intrigue me
And believe me
I have seen the worst
And best
Chances are
You will fall wayside
To the rest
And you have
Too quiet
Unmotivated
Out of the system
Lucky for me
I saved myself
The pain
Of having to remember your name
This was just the pre-game
And I don't have to bother
Waiting around for the show.

No Judgments

It is easy to be self-righteous. Should I tell you how? Go look in the mirror. In a few seconds, your brain will start churning and chugging, and you will see a person who is simply DA BOMB. I mean, we think like this all the time. We see other people, and out comes the rulers and scales- I am prettier, taller, smarter, better-looking... and on, and on, and on.

And then we hear about people with disorders, addictions, and problems galore. It is so easy to pass judgment, to raise ourselves up. I am guilty of it. And you probably are too.

As a psych major, I am still adjusting to hearing about people with different disorders. I think How are they like this? JUST SNAP OUT OF IT! And then... I realize we all have a little OCD inside. A little BPD. Maybe a splash of anorexia, bulimia, insomnia, depression... We are not without our flaws. I am not without my flaws. So who am I to judge others?

As of late, I have been stuck in a certain cycle. I know where it started and why it is continuing, but I am having a hard time breaking out of it. I have heard of people who went through this too and I always thought never me. And now it is happening. There are options for me to break this cycle, but as we all know, sometimes it is hard to do that. This "cycle" is dizzying and nauseating, but at the same time, there is a certain thrill to it. A rush. Exhilaration. It is the chase. The race. Fast-paced.

But it is also having a negative effect on me. So it has to stop. I don't know when it will, but I know it must end.

And in case you are worried, there is no drinking, drugs, or other questionable behavior in this picture. This isn't an issue that is exclusive to me-- like I said, many people suffer from it.

Are you trapped in a cycle? Is there something gripping your life, holding it tightly, and not allowing you free?

You are not alone. And neither am I.

If Only

Here's to days

Like today

Where the possibilities

Are endless

And plentiful

If only

We could seize every second

Hold it in our hands

And memorize

Every detail

Like little kids

Tracing the outlines

Of mommy and daddy's hands

Every dip, and contour

Ingrained deep within

If only

We lived like tomorrow

Was yesterday

And today

Was forever

If only

We forgot

What it felt like

To feel pain

Cuz it's bound to happen

Again

So we might as well

Get back up

If only

We remembered

What love was like

Cuz then we wouldn't be so scared

To try again

If only

Wishes came true

But truth be told

My only wish is you

And your happiness

If only

It was mine too.

Welcome

I've been waiting

I knew you would come

It just took you some time

Too much, I think

But now you are here

At my doorstep

In my kitchen

Dancing through

My dining room

And I,

I dance with you

Finally

We can sing

Our voices united

Our hearts

Undivided

I feel so close

So connected

So...

Unrejected...

Because finally

You are here

And this

Is real

So I'll make you a deal

Because even though

Inside I know

You have to leave

Just as quick as you came

I'll always cherish

Each moment, just the same

It's Been A While...

Hello again…

You? Really?

It's truly been a while. I've missed you!

I'm sure you have.

Well don't sound so excited… it'll give me an ego!

What do you want?

Let's talk. How have you been?

I dunno. Fine. Great. Whatever.

Wow… Call the presses! That's headline news!

Shut up.

Not when I am on a roll…

I've been… fine. Stuck? Walking through mud? Mud filled with needles. It's hard and it hurts. And you haven't been much of a help.

Well I know. You have been too busy to talk with me. I get that life is busy… but you used to be so good about checking in with me… Filling me in on the details.

The details are hazy. My life feels like I blur. If I have a second to breathe, it's only because I fell asleep.

Must be rough.

Yea.

Well look… sometime big is happening next week. You ready for it?

No. I had a whole plan. A seven week plan… I messed up. I got busy… confused. I met someone. I lost someone. I said things. I didn't say things. I read. I saw. I came… went… I didn't conquer.

Ouch… sounds like a couple of messed up weeks. What happened? I mean.. the ideal you… the good you.. She was great! She was rockin!

And now she just feels like a rock. A big, stinkin boulder that isn't getting anywhere or doing anything.

So what are you going to do? Keep wallowing? Keep sinking? That's not you. You are good-er than that!

Nice Kid President reference. If only I could listen to that on repeat… maybe I'd be good-er. But instead…

You are bad-er. Plain and simple.

Uch. I know.

So..

So.

No solutions? Response? Nothing?

I just want to disappear. Crawl into a dark cave.

Cuz that will certainly give your life some light!

Hmph.

Look. You are an incredible person. You know it. I know it. So why let yourself get any lower?  Lift up your head, see the top of the mountain, and start climbing! So you'll fall. So you'll get a little scraped up… once you reach the top, you'll be glad you did. The view is amazing.

I guess you're right..

It's true. So what are you gonna do?

Guess I better start climbing..

Yep! And when you get up there, tell Him I say hi. He'll be so happy to see you.

Thanks. I'll see you… or not.

Messages

They call it graffiti
I call it art
They call it criminal
I call it heart

Paintings on the side
Of a road to anywhere
Sometimes I wonder
If I will ever get there


Maybe it's vulgar
Or simply profanity
But whoever said
We had to subscribe to vanity?

Make it strong
Make it real
If it's honest
Then the wounds will heal

Messages that show
Promise and hope,
You aren't alone,
The world will help you cope

http://iammorley.squarespace.com/ 
Morley is a Los Angeles-based street artist that specializes in bold, typographic posters which he wheat pastes within the urban landscape. Blending humor, hope and his unique perspective on life, Morley's aim is to act as a friendly voice amongst the cacophony of billboarded messages and corporate slogans

Purge

I am sure that caught your attention, cuz it sure caught mine. I was watching a video on YouTube the other day, and as YouTube is known to do, an ad began to play. It was a trailer for a movie, which I usually skip but, something about the ominous music and post-apocalyptic text intrigued me, so I watched. And I was rather horrified.
The premise of the movie is that one night a year, America is given the opportunity to perform any of their animalistic, murderous, hate-driven tendencies. In a sense, they can purge themselves of any negative, harmful behavior. If is government sanctioned and therefore, without any repercussions, hence the name of the movie, "The Purge." As if there isn't enough horror in current events, in which people purge themselves of their evil inclinations on a regular basis, now there is a movie where the government sanctions, nay, mandates this kind of behavior. So, as the trailer plays, I, the unsuspecting viewer, witness all sorts of atrocities (murder, thievery, kidnapping.... just to name a few) all contained in the span of a story where its acceptable, in the time frame of a couple of hours. How nice.
And while watching this disgrace of a movie (really, this is the best they can produce?) (Yes, I could have turned it off, but deep down, we all have that painful urge to see something gory... why do you think it is only the horrible news that makes headlines?) Anyhow, while watching this trailer, I thought about how wise the Torah is. Yea, I am sure you can see the connection. (That was sarcasm... unless you can see the connection...)
Anyhow, the Torah was given to us for several reasons, one of those reasons being is that we should learn how to become moral, righteous individuals, holding ourselves to the highest standards. But, we were created with a Yetzer Hara, and that voice in our head can be so loud, so tempting, its hard to ignore. So, within the parameters of the Torah's commandments, there are areas in which we can allow that Yetzer Hara some free reign, while not giving ourselves over to the dark side.
For instance, if a person has a blood-thirsty nature, and murder seems to be the natural route to take, he can became a Shochet and be surrounded by blood and death all day long while still performing G-d's commandments. Done.
Or he can become a Mohel. Yay, more blood.
Another example is the Eishes Yefas To'ar- the female prisoner of war. The Torah recognizes that in the heat of a battle, the captive women look extremely appealing and a man will want her to satisfy his desires. And he can take her. Of course, that is only if he follows the Torah's protocol for doing so.
For a woman, she is inclined to beautify herself... in today's society, this means shorter skirts, tighter tops, more makeup, elaborate hair styles and high heels. In the magazines we see this and think "How untznius!" But, one of my teacher's in seminary, a regal woman who I never thought would say something like this, said, "A woman can dress like that. For sure! But for her husband. And only for him."
Something else I learned, is that for everything negative in the world, there is a positive opposite it. For every Eisav, there is Yaakov. For ever Yetzer Hara, there is a Yetzer Tov.
G-d didn't put us into this world to abstain and become monks. He gave us a world, with so much to offer, and He wants us to partake of it. But, only by His rules. In doing so, we can express our desires while fulfilling G-d's commandments, and in doing so, elevate ourselves into more spiritual beings.
So, while I don't plan on seeing the full-length movie, the trailer certainly taught me something.

Limbo

We met

In limbo

Caught between

Where we came from

And where we are

Supposed to be going

But there is no knowing

When we're gonna get there

Together

Or apart

It's not fair

To play games

Of the heart

No one wins

And everyone loses

Unless

We smash all the pieces

And break the rules

But

No one does

Just cuz

It's not done

And who wants to be

The one

Who does that?

Burning

Light

There is a light here

Something

Brighter

Than the sun

A burst

I can finally quench

My thirst

My pain

My sweat

It was worth

The hike

The night

I can finally feel

The air

It is clear

I am near

I can breathe again

The summit

Is not the end

But my beginning

I can become

Elevated

I suffocated

But now

The smoke has cleared

And all I see

Is the fire

It is brighter than the sun

It is now burning in me.

Hours

I count my days
In hours passing
Passed
Or yet to pass...
Hours to sleep,
How few they have become
Hours in class
How endless they seem
Hours til my meetings
That sneak up so quickly
Hours, hours, hours
I rack them up
Then watch them fall
Into lines, neat and clean
And so it would seem
That the hours come
The hours go
Until there is nothing more
For me to know
Hours...
Hours...
H...o...u...r...s..

My Baby

Don't take my sunshine away

Why would you

Take my baby

And bury her

Beneath your demands

Your expectations

Well,

I have them too

I have them

Because of you

You showed me kindness

You showed me care

So kill my baby?

You wouldn't dare

You say

She isn't worth the investment

The time or money

Honey

This baby is mine

I would give my last dime

To give her the best chance

Her best shot

At getting another dance

One more spin

One more win

Give up your ego

Take one for the team

How can someone so kind

Become so cruel and mean?

If you pull out

There is no force in the world

That could silence my shout

For a change

To take away what you've done

If you put us down

We will rise again

This will not stand
My baby deserves better
And if you don't let her
Then I guess you win
And my baby has no reason to live
So the blood will be on you
When my baby is gone

Your Smile

Lately it seems
That something's amiss
No band-aid can fix
And it can't be cured by a kiss

Yet somehow
You are smiling so wide
And really I have to ask
This question: why?

Do you smile
Cuz you feel joy?
Or are you tricking me
Trying to be coy?

Has someone granted you
Your deepest wish
Or are you trying to hide
Your heartbreaking anguish?

Is it real
Or have you fooled us all
If I asked for an answer
Would answer my call?

Just tell me please
Are you really happy like you say
Or are you just trying to cover up
Until the pain goes away?

Bliss

A sweet reminder

Amidst the chaos

A gentle touch to say

That all is not loss

I inhale

Let it consume me

It fills me up

And through darkness, I can see

Every moment of stress

Every frustration just fades away

As every part of me

Melts into this day

I've lost myself

As I try to find who I am

I lose my balance

When I should be learning to stand

Yet despite it all

I know I can come back to this

And for once

I can reside in bliss.

Insanity and Tragedy

As I was typing the title, my blog post immediately changed. Despite its validity, suddenly my pain feels trivial... small... How can I feel so down on my life when true tragedy struck? As a Jew, I am not unaccustomed to terror. It rips through me when I hear about attacks in Israel. It's MY family. It's MY brother/sister/father/mother. It hits my heart. But today, terror hit my home. And it hit even closer, because it was close to something I identify with. There are few and far things in today's society that really speak for the strength of an individual and for a group, for the determination of accomplishment in a purer sense than what people believe is a real goal. A marathon is one of those things that draw people together towards a common goal, whether to reach the finish line or to raise money for a cause. I ran the Miami marathon for Team Lifeline a few years ago, and to say it was the most incredible experience of my life would be an understatement. There is something about a marathon, as physical as it may be, that simply elates me.
And for hundreds today, that elation became destruction. In a moment where personal and collective achievements would have been met, they were introduced to an even fiercer force- evil.
There is no other word for it. It simply was an act of evil. An action so devoid of anything good.  It created a scene of insanity. It brought about the most horrid tragedy.
And so, while I may be feeling upset about certain things, my pain is being put on hold and my heart is going north... I stand with those who were in the marathon. I stand with the runners, the warriors, the fighters....

To those affected by the explosions, I say, “Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up.”

Home

I wrote this last year while on a bus to Tel Aviv... as the gorgeous scenery and land passed me, I was just simply overwhelmed... I can't wait to go back home...

Palm trees

Waving at me

In the early

Spring breeze

My heart

Be still

This pounding

Bounding

Burning desire

Inner fire

To go higher

My dream

May seem

Unreal

But I'm home

In the land

Of Israel

And so my heart

Cannot unstart

This expression of affection

And beats louder

Prouder

For home

Milk and honey sweet

Home

Get Going

Keep it real

Get real

Get going

Grow up

Stop playing

Stop saying.

For G-d's sake

Start praying

Why are you here

Why are you going there

Come back

Go away

Why'd you say

It would stay the same

I call your name

And you don't reply

I know it was a lie

You're gone

I went along

For some reason

Which reason can't know

I still can't explain

Why I ever let you go.

Measure Up

I watched them come

Measuring tapes in hand

Microscopes

And little notes

Trying to determine

The perfect fit

As the rest stood

On pedestals

Of acheivements

And failures

(But we don't mention those)

A showcase

Who would place?

And who would lose

Would they choose

The one on the left

Or the one on the right?

The one with the past

Or the one who got past

Their strict system

But if you missed em

Consider yourself lucky

Until the next round.

Write

Hundreds of blank pages. Fresh pens. Now... What to write?
My brain is just exploding... Thoughts, emotions, ideas, but somehow, there might as well be an ocean between my brain and hand. For all of my attempts, I still have nothing to show. I want write something that would cause someone to think... To question... To wonder... To dream. But I feel stuck. The thought of sitting and writing intimidates me.
I found a quote that aptly describes what I am experiencing...

"Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."

Better keep some band aids handy... This could get messy...