Thursday, October 6, 2016

Let Me Forget

Let me forget you
Let me forget what it means
To care for someone
Who cares for a cause
Which creates so much joy
But also
So much pain
Let me forget
The past three... four years
The time we worked together
On something greater than ourselves
Something so great
Let me forget
Let me not remember
So that when I let go
You can let go of me
And forget we ever knew each other
Let me forget you
Because remembering you
Is a memory I can no longer tolerate

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Scariest

I think the scariest thing I have ever decided was when I decided I don't want to date. And I only decided this last week.
It has been an interesting year. The secular one I mean. I dated. Got engaged. And broke my engagement all in about the span of two months. Since then I have been trying to figure out what went wrong. How did I miss the signs. And there was signs about him, the relationship... But after months of therapy and a lot of introspection, frustration and confusion, I realized that I  didn't want to date. I don't want to date. Why? Because I have so much  I want to do and dating our world is an impediment to doing those things. I had anxiety while we dated about how this other person would impact the plans I had already made, the goals I wanted to achieve and the milestones I had to reach. So... I decided I don't want to date. And since deciding this, a few things have happened.
1. Someone asked me for my resume and I procrastinated sending it. Not for lack of time but for lack of intetest. She asked again and I sent it but a) I don't expect anything to come from it and b) I'll probably say no unless he comes wearing a sign that says "I am the man G-d intended you to marry and it was decreed that I marry you in heaven." and fireworks.
2. I was taking shidduch headshots (another discussion) for a single girl not much younger than me and she asked me if I was dating and I said no. She said, good for you, bla blah blah... And then asked me what I'm looking for. In my head I laughed because right now I'm not looking but to be polite I gave her my standard answer.
3. I was getting my eye brows waxed and my estetician, who recently finalised her divorce, and knows about my broken engagement (at this point it's better that people know) asked me if I am dating again and I said no. And that was it. Because if you date when you don't want to, you might get married before you are ready and end up having  a few kids and then... Realise you didn't want to date to get married and are now getting divorced.
So, I have slowly been making peace with this decision. It is scary because I spent years, since senior year, thinking about dating and getting married and watching classmates and friends tie the knot, have a kid, two kids... But dating never felt right to me. Even the nicest, sweetest guys were wrong. Whether because of the guy himself or because I didn't want to be in this "tekufah" but now I feel more at peace. When I think about dating, it kind of makes me sick. When i think about pursuing my dreams, on my timeline, I feel calm... Satisfied.
This may change. I may feel differently in a few weeks. But for now... The scariest decision is also the safest, the more secure.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Spidey Signs

You showed me a sign today. Some kind of gentle way of telling me you are okay... you forgive me? You love me. A little spidey cookie. An icon that will forever be tied up in my memories of you. You were a hero; the real kind. You spun webs of love and I was totally caught in them. You wrapped me tight. I was enamored... kind of mesmerized by you. I always wanted to know what you were thinking... what was it like in your world, trapped in a body you had no control over, simply watching others... did you realize what an impact you had, simply by lying in your hospital bed? I don't think I fully realized myself until you were gone... I know you are in a better place. But thank for sending me a reassuring sign. Love you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I Miss You

It's three AM. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I ache missing you. I went to your Shiva today and your abscence was so loud... A silence that was so loud I could hear your abscence above the noise of people talking. You weren't clucking for attention. The ever present sound of kids shows wasn't heard. Your machines are off. You don't need them anymore where you are. I had to adjust my mind to understand that you are not here. You aren't in your room. The hospital. You aren't in this world. And I miss you so much. No more ruffling your crazy Harry Potter-like hair. No more painting your toes Spider-Man colors. No more tongue wars or sneaky smiles. I always thought we would have another visit. I was planning for them. I had activities ready. When the SW asked if everyone for closure, I had to fight back years and bite my tongue. I have not had closure. Even at your funeral.... I cannot process that my little man, my feisty boy is now in a box... Buried. I try to console myself that you are no longer in pain. You are dancing in heaven, wearing crazy costumes and singing with a full voice. But G-d, I miss you. Death is not for the one dying. It is for everyone who is left behind to wade through the days following your paasing, trying to make sense of a short life that was cut short and pain filled. You are free from these questions and confusion. You lived days, weeks, montbs, even years beyond what anyone expected of you. We knew this day was coming. And it doesn't lessen the blow of your loss. Whatever words of comfort people try to share, nothing can take away this ache I, we, feel at your abscence. But it isn't like you didn't show up for class. It isn't like we misplaced you and now you are missing... You are gone. Just gone. But how can it be? You were the strongest soul I knew. You endured so much. I keep trying to find peace in knowing you aren't hurting but selfishly, I want one more day. I was going to visit the day you passed away. I was too late. And for now, I don't think I will get over that. I should have been there. My boy... My handsome little man. I miss you. What's going to be of this world without you in it? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

My hero

When I first met you,
You couldn't walk
But I soon learned
That you could fly

There were hard fought battles
To breathe, to smile;
There were tears and triumphs
There was you, a superhero

You have always had powers
Some we knew
And some we never understood
But now, I know what is true

There are those who enter this world
With a mission we cannot understand
Even more so, we question such a life
But you, you lived

I can't imagine this world without you in it
You were steady, you persevered
But now, you are dancing in a party in the sky
And I sit here missing you

After years of pain and decline
I can find peace knowing you are no longer hurting
But I will think of you always
And miss you forever.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Take me Home

I ache for you
My heart shudders with desire
To be home
To walk the stone streets
To breathe the holy air
I want to lay eyes upon
The faces that color the streets
Of the past, present and future
I want to return to the city
Where my heart felt alive
My spirit danced
My soul was on fire
There was something in the sky
In the dirt
Between the walls
I was free
I want to feel free
I want to feel limitless
I want to be home
Where my heart is

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Shavuos Musings

If I am a Sefer Torah
This life is the mountain

If I am to be received
I must be readied

If I must climb a mountain
The journey should be decorated and beautiful

If there is a storm of lightning and thunder
I must be prepared to dance in the rain

If I am more precious than any imagined treasure
I must take great care to protect myself

If I am kept safe in the holy of holies
I must be as pure as gold and just as bright

If I am a Sefer Torah
G-d is waiting to give my testament to the world

Tuesday, June 7, 2016


Sometimes I am scared to wake up. Sometimes my dreams feel so real, so much better than my reality. In my sleep, I feel happy and safe. I know it isn't real. I know it's just that- a dream. But aren't dreams something hold on to? To believe in? Or are those only aspirations that we create and not the products of the unconscious mind...
Is it so bad to feel so happy in those dreams? Sometimes I just want to stay asleep so I can be in that happy place.
What is the purpose of a dream? Is it a foreteller of what's to come? Is it a tease of what we want the most? Does it have some deeper, abstract meaning? 
I just want that feeling during the day. To feel safe. To feel loved. To feel adored. Why is that so hard?
I tried to find that in someone who wasn't right for me. I projected everything I wanted to feel but ultimately felt nothing. I couldn't create feelings that wouldn't come. I couldn't pretend. 
But in my dreams, it's just want I want. It's what I dream for when I am awake. I don't know how to make it happen. I am asleep and unconscious but that is when I feel most alive.

Little Light

Let's look up and wonder
Marvel in the darkness
Caught in a storm of lightning bug thunder

Grab some jars
We're off to chase our dreams
But instead we found these flickering stars

Hold onto them tight
They are trying to hide their light
And make us feel blind in the night

Caught one, maybe two
But the journey wasn't about filling up bottles
It was about being here with you

Sunday, May 22, 2016


What is this
Lumpy red.... thing...
In my hand...
It beats
It bleeds
It is dripping
On the floor
(I just cleaned there)
What a mess
I confess
I don't understand the function
Of this thumping.... thing.
There are trails leading in
And out
But what is more
It is crying
It is
A disaster of a thing
But what is worse
Than the mess it's making
Is the pathetic fact
That I am a slave
To its rhythm 
Its endless 

Two Faced

We work together.
It would never work.
I feel too strongly.
I feel everything.
He is so intuitive. 
Why does isn't he in tune to how he makes me feel?
Everyone says it's a good idea. 
Does he think so too? Will he ever?
I am his right hand woman. 
Will he ever take my left hand?
He calls me Friday. 
I wish he would call me everyday.
I get angry that he doesn't get it. 
I would do anything for him.
It's like a rollercoaster. 
He makes me feel the ups and the highs.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 
I have been holding on for too long.
There are two sides to every story.
And he will never know mine.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Love Sick

נפשי חולת אהבתך
I want to be
Love sick for you
To be apart
An ache in my heart
To be together
Pure bliss
To feel giddy
Take me to the playground
Push me on the swings
Let's slide together
Hand in hand
Side by side
You see me
All of me
I want to be
In love with you
So please
Love me too

Friday, April 1, 2016

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Til Death Do Us Part

They got it wrong
It's not about death do us part
It's about living life
To the fullest and with heart
In the little moments
In waking up together
Sharing every day
And going to sleep
In the most blissful way
Forget about dramatics
And romantics
They blind and break
It's about how you make
Me feel every day
Without grand gestures
Or fanfare
It's just knowing you care
And how I can show you the same
So maybe I am not swept in a flutter
Or flying in the clouds
But there is something here

Monday, December 14, 2015

Dying Stars

"You can be dead inside and still shine, don't believe me? Just ask the stars." (VaZaki Nada)

Keep it together
Don't fall apart
Stay shine
Glow brighter
Don't let anyone know
You are dying inside
That they have taken everything
And left you empty
Wishing to be filled
Wishing to be full
All these lights
Mean nothing
If the darkness grows 
All consuming
But you have to smile
You have to push forward
At the end of the battle
You find
You lost the war

Sunday, November 29, 2015

It Comes to This

It comes to this
Time to say
No more
I won't be 
You have had me
At the push of a button
But I have had enough
Of being that girl
The one you call
Who always says yes
I can do
Better than you
Better than being used
So take your girl friday
And find another.

Friday, November 20, 2015

We and I are not an Island

We hear the news
See a tweet
Read a post
Watch a video
But why
He is
A thousand miles away
We never met
We never spoke
Before today
I never knew his name
Geographical distance
Emotional separation
Never divides
A national connection
A communal responsibility
For him
For his family
His school
His community
We are all hurting
My little island
Has become
A state
A country
A world
We are all connected
We have built bridges to one another
We have found a way
To find each other
And I
Are not an island

Sunday, November 15, 2015

My Judaism

My Judaism wants to be bright and beautiful; something filled with light and laughter

(My Judaism is tested too often that I feel dark and grey; I have little energy to keep trying)

My Judaism loves to hear the sound of a child singing Anim Zemiros, of little voices saying Shema with eyes covered; of clear and strong children chanting Torah after Rebbe.

(My Judaism has to believe that there are sick children for a reason, a reason too great and terrible for me to understand. My Judaism strives to find meaning in illness and light in dark places. But still, I struggle to understand why families move into the hospital, why poison is pumped like candy, but tastes like death and still, children die.)

My Judaism knows my prince is out there and that G-d will not let me be single forever.

(My Judaism doesn't get how the system we have marries people off when it feels so flawed and broke, but I continue to play into its trite demands.)

My Judaism believes in the power of unity, wishes to find connection where the chain is broken, and hopes to repair the cracks so many fall though.

(My Judaism knows we will all be together one day, happy, healthy and whole)

Saturday, November 7, 2015

My Judiasm: Sarah Tuttle Singer

I have been following Sarah's writings for a little while. She is feisty, and fierce. She speaks openly about her opinions, thoughts.... this one spoke to me. I don't neccessarily agree with everything she writes, but her raw honesty is so refreshing in a world where we taboo so much.

My Judaism is a wild dance, red wine on my lips, Uncle Robert on guitar, and AuntCaren on tambourine. My Judaism is my father bellowing the wrong words in Hebrew because he chose our tribe when my mom chose him, and he's still learning, and he will never give up.

(My Judaism is not afraid of failing, because I know I'll get it right some day. )

My Judaism chose not to be a mother at 19, to ask for help where she knew she would find it: And my Judaism is the rabbi who looked into my frightened eyes and said "anything you need."

(My Judaism accepts the past, makes peace with it, and moves ahead.)

My Judaism held my mother in her arms when she took her last breath, in the very bed where she nursed me when I was a baby. My Judaism screamed FUCK CANCER at the top of my lungs, then smashed a mirror, and tore her shirt.

(My Judaism will not say "blessed is the true judge," because cancer is bullshit, and my mom should still be alive. )

My Judaism is latkes and presents and spinning the dreidel, and being tucked safely into bed at night with the doll my parents got me for Hanukkah. My Judaism is guiding my daughter's hand when she lights the candles on Shabbat, it's pouring grape juice in a glass of my son so he can lead kiddush. It's sprinkling salt on challah, and breaking it for the three of us. My Judaism is imagining what's next, and how to make the world a better place.

(My Judaism is, and was, and will be. )

And for now, today, I'll drink more wine, and celebrate this sweet new week.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Alternate Options

He says he is done. No more. He won't do it. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And that's what he thinks is happening here. He is young. He is frustrated. He is trying to make sense of heart ache. His heart has been broken too many times. He has been tortured. Abused. This system chewed him up and spit him out. He is different. Looks different. Believes different. Dresses different. And because of that, now he wants to marry different. Different religion. This one just isn't working for him anymore.
And what can I say.
What can I do?
I am just as burnt out. I am just as angry and frustrated. My heart has been broken too many times to count (if you have been here long enough, you have read about it.)
So how can I tell him, that despite all the heartbreak, the hour-long dates ending in disappointment, the countless resumes that are just so wrong, there is still hope. I still believe. I believe that G-d will not let me remain single forever. Just long enough.
Can I tell him that the waiting sucks but it will be worthwhile? Can I tell him that if he marries someone who is not like him, at the fundamentals of his existence, that THAT will break my heart even more?
What can I tell him?


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