Sunday, May 31, 2015

Restart

It still scares me sometimes
How fine I feel
How everything is ok
And I am in a good place
And then
And then
I see your face
I hear your name
My heart stops short
*Press restart*
Start system in safe mode
I thought I felt safe
I thought I felt ok
But then it all comes back
Like a power surge
The years of wanting
And waiting
The crushing disappointment
I never thought I could cry
For something I never had
And never will

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Friday Afternoon

On a warm Friday afternoon
Long before the sun has set into a cool night
A group of people come together
And for a time, the world feels so right
There is a guitar or two
And men who feel their souls
They sing, they dance
As if they have clouds inside their soles
There is no weight in their heart
They can just embrace the day of rest
If every prayer could sound like this
Then the world would be so blessed
With every song, a new circle is formed
Their voices grow louder and stronger
For some it feels like eternity
But I wish this could go on longer
For just an hour or so
I feel like G-d is dancing here too
He joins hands with each of us
And shares His joy in all that is try
In a side room somewhere
A small minyan comes together
And although it's just for a Friday evening
I wish it could go on forever.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Disabilities Do Not Have to Disable

You look at me
The label that you see
The words on a paper
That describe 
Everything I am not
I can not
I will not
You have checked a list
For my dysfunctions
And with that
I am put into a class
Of people who are
Unable.
I have a disability
But I am not disabled
Because what that paper does not say
Is that I
Love to sing
And run
And dance
I love to be held
And most of all
I love to be loved
To be treated like any other
Maybe I do not reach the typical milestones
But in my world
The miles are not as painful
Because I enjoy every step
Can the same be said for you?

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Silent

I have held my tongue
I have tried to hard
Not to comment
To criticize
My city
Has been in flames
My community
Has been scared
And I
Have been riddled with anxiety
This is not the way
The world should look
Those who aim to protect those
Who aim to riot
Against those
Who protect
Those who riot
And it becomes
A never ending
Circle of
Hatred and destruction
And what do we accomplish?
What do we teach our children?
I believe there are problems
That need solutions
I believe
There are hearts that are aching
Oppressed
Rejected
Abused
And suffering
But what if we
Band of brothers
Decided to be the good
To be the change
The world
Could look so different
But instead
We take to the streets
With rocks and weapons
And loot our own neighbors
And that creates justice?
I am a small voice
And I should say nothing at all
But to be honest
It hurts to see this
It hurts to know that this can happen
And it hurts more to know
There is nothing I can do.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Questionable

I am divergent
I am the anomaly
They tried
Not to answer
I ask questions
That are questionable
There are no sources
For what seduces my mind
And sometimes I find myself
Wondering
If right and wrong
Are so black and white
Cuz I feel so heavy
Hanging near the light
And the darkness is just oh so tempting
Give me a little fun
And no regrets
One and done
That's all it has to be
So follow me
Down this rabbit hole
And see you on the other side
Of wonder

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Love

Is love sensible
Practical
Or can it be
Radical
Magical
Can it make a sane mind
Lost to find
If we lose ourselves
Will we find
The other half
This path
To completion
Is riddled with riddles
And jacked up with jokes
I have to laugh
At what has passed
It has taught me more
Than any lesson
Yes
It does not lesson
The need to find
My hearts' mind
Found in the hand
Of another
Yet there is not other
Except you
Too true
I will search
I will find
I will be fine

Sunday, March 22, 2015

After the Fire

They are debating your goodness
And questioning your kindness
They wonder about your love
And contest your concern
It was a fire
An inferno of uncontrollable destruction
But your affection
Is boundless as well
It it within our finite minds
That we limit your infinite wisdom
And try to make boundaries
Within which to understand
This tragedy
Because it is a tragedy
It is an awful, horrific
Heart wrenching, mind numbing tragedy
But you
Are the remedy
You give the cure
Before the curse
And we
Your children
Have to simply ask for it
And there it is

Baruch Dayan HaEmes
You are the true judge

Friday, March 20, 2015

Be Strong

I need you to be strong
I need you to realize
You have more power
Within
Despite what you look like
On the outside
I know you have been beaten
And battered
And have taken more abused
But you are still so pure
So strong
Be strong for me
Even when the walls
Crumble around you
Even when the world
Has turned its back on you
Be strong
Be strong
My little soul
Be strong

Thursday, March 19, 2015

dance

It's 1 am. i just came back from a friends wedding. i wasnt planning on staying so late... or at all. But then I had a drink... and then another... and then another.. and then i felt happy... and there was music... so i danced... and as i went in circles....around ....around... i thought about how my life... is a series of circles... cycles... patterns.... right... fooot...left..hand... and then i switch it up and repeat. but its the same and then it isnt. i try to make sense,.. but its too loud, too dizzy...

I am at a place in my life where it is a constant struggle between wanting to disappear and wanting to be noticed

I love the attention... the thrill of being wanted.... and then all of a sudden, it is all too much. and i just want to get on a plane and fly straight to the mountain side in bat ayin where i realized that G-d is really in this world, the way He can make me feel so small.. and yet so big, so many possibilites, all t once.
and rightg now, the possibilities are swirling like the wind that has been messing up my hairs for the past two days. its relentless and destructive. how do i behave? what choices am i supposed to make? i dont want to lose an opportunity i am meant to have but i dont want to regret the choices i make that sacrafice my happiness. i want to be happy. i want to be fulfilled. i dont know what i want.
perhaps another drink. 
perhaps another dance.
I want to dance. I really want to dance.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How much I want you
Can only be matched
By how petrified I am
That one day you will discover
I have been wearing a mask
Solely because I know
The real me
Was never someone you wanted

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Tonight

Close my eyes
Inhale deeply
Tilt back
And swallow
This sweet elixir
A quick fixer
My soul feels warm
My face is bright
On this night
Miracles can happen
Tonight
I will hang my enemy on a tree
And the ten accomplices
Who have torn me down
Will be raised for the world to see
And the runners
Will run
And we will fight
I will fight
On this night
I will no longer be afraid
Only I can
Save (myself)
No one else
Will redeem me
From the King
Only if I choose
To approach
Broken and submissive
Perhaps he will see
What my heart truly desires
What I long for
And wait for
If only
If only
We will rejoice
We will dance
Together in the courtyard
Of the palace
That will soon be built
And then
I will close my eyes
Tilt my head forward
Drink a small lip
He will smash a glass
And all the pain
Will recede to the past
As my soul feels warm
My face is bright

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Remain Silent No More

It's a beautiful moment, a celebration worthy of a holiday for the ages. After being threatened with annihilation, the Jewish people have overcome the wicked Haman (BOO!) and defeated their enemies. We are no longer forced to bow to idolatry or fear attack. Mordechai is hailed as the nation's leader and appointed as the King's advisor. Esther is the heroine who risked her life for her people. A woman of valor.
Yet, when we sing about the epic salvation, we forget one thing... we forget one person... and as the story fades into drunken revelry and celebration, I see her standing at a palace window, staring longingly, filled with pain... and painfully alone. Although the Jewish people were able to make a quick separation from their enemies by the swore, Esther was still the Queen, married to the idiot King, the stable boy who never lost that brash and stupid attitude that he grew up with.
Do we think about Esther? Do we remember that while her nation was redeemed, her personal redemption never came? She was never able to support her husband in learning Torah or celebrate in unison the beauty of Jewish marriage.
I don't profess to know all the details of the post-Megilla story, but I can't help but wonder what really happened to Esther when the last decree was finalized and it was official that her people would not be wiped out.
Did she cry? Did she laugh? If she accepted Ratzon Hashem, and never felt cheated out of the life she could have had, what life did she end up having? She wasn't waltzing around naked at parties like the wife before, and how often would Achashverosh call for her attendance at his parties? Did she sit all day and say Tehillem? Did she attend royal meetings and give her opinion on the state of affairs? I wish I could ask Esther how she could remain strong for the years following the Purim story. I feel drawn to a certain poem written by a blogger I always admired (I wonder where he disappeared to...) 


Somehow...
I've always misunderstood...
just what a nisayon is...
where the true..
the true...pinnacle of a spiritual test lie..
but I think I now know...

Its not the climb..
that difficult time...
It's not the test...
that brings out the best..
that makes you sweat...
spiritualphysical sweat..
and it's not the feeling you get..
on your way down..
the subdued elational fall..
It's not the Akeida..
..................after all
we can all have our moments..
when called 
to Action....

It's the letting down your guard..
expecting some kind of reward..
It's the coming home...
from the Akeida..and finding
your wife dead of grief...
It's coming to work the day after..your climb..
and losing your best account..

when self righteous annoyance...
turns into selfless acceptance..
which in turn..
turns into...submissive bliss...

That..I'm afraid...
Is the moment...of Nisayon..

Esther made sacrifice after sacrifice for her people. No one can imagine the nisyonos she struggled with in the face of cruel and ruthless villain. Yet, was that her hardest nisayon? 

יד  כִּי אִם-הַחֲרֵשׁ תַּחֲרִישִׁי, בָּעֵת הַזֹּאת--רֶוַח וְהַצָּלָה יַעֲמוֹד לַיְּהוּדִים מִמָּקוֹם אַחֵר, וְאַתְּ וּבֵית-אָבִיךְ תֹּאבֵדוּ; וּמִי יוֹדֵעַ--אִם-לְעֵת כָּזֹאת, הִגַּעַתְּ לַמַּלְכו
For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

But once we finish reading about Esther in the context of the Megilla, she becomes silent once more, her voice lost as Tanach is sealed for all time. 
Esther... we need your voice once more. We need you to beseech on our behalf once more so we can all be redeemed from the reign of evil and idicoy, so that we can rejoice with Mishta and wine and show G-d that once more, once again, we accept Him, we love Him with every part of our bodies and souls and want nothing more than to sing to Him...
Remain silent no more.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Let's Play

If we play it fair
And how dare
We do anything else
A piece for me
A piece for you
And you
And you
Oh what do I do
When I have no pieces left
I gave them away
Yesterday
Tomorrow
Today
Frivolously sharing
Not caring
That I would have nothing
At day's end
When night descends
And I want to rescind
Every piece I gave away
Only to hear them all say
It was your choice
And what is even more so
You should have known
Better.

Too

There are lies
I can't even tell myself
There are truths
Too awful to hear
There is love
More painful than death
And there is life
Too joyous to contain

Monday, February 23, 2015

Over This

I am so over this
The back and forth
Up and down
Can't decide
Make up my mind
Do I want you to be mine
More than I want to be fine
To be the portrait
Of what is expected
Oh, to be completely
Utterly rejected
A red 'A'
On my shirt
But would that hurt
More than denying the truth
Of what I really want
So we tease
We taunt
We flaunt
And we fake
We almost f...ell
But oh well
Someone had to be the grown up
Own up
To the childish whims
And wicked ways
That had us played
If I laid
To the desires
What liars
We would be
What liars we have become
But it is not the lies that destroy us
It is when we become numb
And can no longer decipher the truth
Within the prize
And so we take
The bad
The ugly
The deplorable
And make it acceptable
If only to feel something
Anything
Other than the crushing reality
That this was a game all along
And we have lost.
Everything.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Joy in Passing

I think it is very appropriate that my grandfather passed away just as the month of Adar began. Although he had been sick for sometime with a variety of ailments, he approached each day with happiness. Whenever I spoke with him, he always said, "hanging in there.. Taking it one day at a time," because everyday is a blessing and he recognized the goodness in each day. It is hard to find a place of understanding between such an incredible loss and the timing of such a loss. As Adar begins we are supposed to increase our simcha. We recognize that, like in Shushan, GD works behind the scenes. His ways are mysterious, but magical and majestic. Every occurrence in life was carefully planned. And so I must analyze the passing of my grandfather with it's time in the Jewish calendar. It isn't random. There was clearly a reason for it and I believe It has to do with The way my grandfather lived his life. He had set a goal around when he started to worsen that he would make it to my cousin's bar mitzva, his oldest grandson. He was determined to be there and he lived everyday with that goal in mind. His perseverance was really a lesson for me. He wanted it. He lived for it. And he lived happily for it. I could hear his smile in the phone when I called. Although he was probably in a lot of pain, he never let It detract from the fact that he was alive, he was living, and that is a beautiful thing.

If there is one thing I can learn from my grandfather's passing coinciding with the onset of the month of Adar, it is that life is meant to be lived with joy, no matter the circumstances or pain.

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

For the First Time in Forever... and It's Too Good to Be True

He likes me. He really likes me.
But he is several states away.
And several life stages behind.
But for once
FOR ONCE
He isn't a phony
A jerk
A liar
A creep
Or cruel
He actually he cares
He actually wants to try
To make this work
But I know
That with several states between us
And several life stages to catch up on
This isn't going anywhere
Except a straight trip
To the hills of heartache
Where I will roll into
A pit of despair
Until the next one comes along
And the games start again...

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Have You Ever...

Looked at your life
And been shocked
By what you saw
The written word
And stone and law
Things you can't change
Choices that have been made
I didn't choose this path
The life chose me
I couldn't be
Anywhere but here
This is what I love
What I hate
But it feels so great
To know
It's mine
I can
Turn the page
Mature with age
Or act my shoe size
My lies
My life
Maybe it's wrong
It feels right
To stay up at night
Talking to you
Dreaming of a tomorrow
That's more colorful
Than yesterday
Let's just get away
And bring this life
With.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

50 Shades of Wrong

I haven't read the book. I haven't seen the movie. But, I have read what others who have read the book and seen the movie had to say... and it seems pretty awful.
A controlling, abusive, sexually manipulative lover is not romantic. It's just that. Controlling. Abuse. Manipulation. Those things don't show up in the recipe for love. It's so sad that this is what the world thinks love is about.
When I was in high school (and beyond), the craze was Twilight. I read them all (I'll admit it) I remember that sickly, nauseating feeling of being sucked in (pun intended), thinking that THIS was true love and romance- the way he didn't let her go anywhere without him knowing, the way she was willing to die to live with him forever... and for what? I never saw any indication that he was a worthy partner except for the fact that he sparkled. Get real.
But to be loved... to be adored... to be treated with respect and dignity? That's what a relationship is all about. That's the feeling, the connection we should crave. Not sadistic, masochistic, self indulgent abuse. I won't see the movie. I won't read the book. The world has distorted what love is all about and I won't willingly sacrifice my dreams of a happy and healthy marriage for a bandwagon craze that will destroy the fibers of morality.


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

From miles away
I feel your hand
On my heart
Holding me
Through the dark times
Dancing with me
Through the light times
And running
Through the difficult times
Hand in hand
The world isn't quite so hard
To face
But it's your face
That I miss so much
And the miles between
Are stretching even further
Every day
That I feel closer to you
Could I go mad
From this space
That you both
Fill and empty
Simultaneously
Reminding me
That I am loved
And that I am alone

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