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Friday, April 18, 2014

Ascension

We left the dirt... the dust... the danger... and death. We escaped from the clutches of persecution, suffering, torture and enslavement. We are free.
Now what?
The crucial, and often overlooked, point of Yetzias Mitzrayim is that we were not simply freed... We became a free people, free to serve our Redeemer, Creator, Father and King. He took us out to bring us to acceptance His greatest gift, the Torah.
We began counting the days until that incredible moment.

But let's make it practical. As much as I try to imagine myself leaving Egypt, witnessing the plagues and eating some sheep, it's not hard. But we all have things we are enslaved to.
So I decided to find something to free myself from. And so far, I am doing ok. Should I succeed, should I rise above this challenge that has been weighing me down, I know I will be better for it. I will be able to approach Matan Torah with a lighter heart... these chains (pun intended) will be lifted and removed...

3 days down...  

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Morning Run

I wake up
The sun has been in the sky
For hours
I lace up
Get up
Get out
Get going
Get moving
Get gone
Get lost
In my head
My thoughts
I run
To feel something
To remember
That there is pain
That doesn't hurt my heart
My wild, wicked heart
My cage
Cannot stop its running
So instead
My legs
Must pick up the pace
To catch
What has run away
And today
Maybe I'll overtake 
My racing heart.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Precious Words

It's happened again. I have been resigned to whispers, soft spoken words, because anything louder scratches the insides of my throat, like a beast trying to claw its way out. I have been forced to slow my lips and loosen my ears, to listen... to hear. The world feels different when I cannot shout my protests of injustice. I have tried. I want to fight back. I hate feeling suppressed and unable. But no one wants to listen when they can't hear. 
I remember in school when they would show us videos... (those forbidden things that play on the microwave...) and there was always that one kid who wouldn't shut up. We would raise the volume, and so would that kid. Eventually, listening became too much of a strain and we all just lost interest.
That's how I feel. People have lost interest in me. Without my voice, I am simply a less interesting version of myself.
But... this time of silence has given me the unique opportunity to listen to others. To hear their thoughts, their opinions.
The ideas of others are truly fascinating. There is so much potential and creativity in the world, just waiting to spill forth from tight-trapped lips, because at some point, no one cares to listen to someone else.
So... world... I cannot speak. So I will listen. I want to hear your thoughts and ideas. Your wishes.... dreams... your speeches and monologues... I want to hear words of inspiration or desperation.
I want to know what you think.

What are you thinking?

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sigh of... Freedom?

How fitting
That as we speak of freedom
From what enslaves us
I have been freed
From the possibility
Of you.
I feel as if the chains
Around my ankles
Have been snapped and burned
I can walk with lightness in my step
The heaviness in my heart
Isn't so heavy anymore
That feeling of "what if?"
Is now a resounding "not happening,"
And I can be at peace with that
I had the patience
(Or not)
To see where this chapter would go
But I can close this book
I can shut the door
On you
On us
And now
I can focus on me
And all I can be
Without worrying
What you think
Cuz to be honest
Did I ever really care?





(Probably...)



But not anymore.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Lonely

Does it matter
If my days are busy
And full of good
If every second
Is occupied
By something meaningful
What is that meaning
If it means nothing to me?
If every part of me
Inside my soul
Remains empty
And alone
The clocks keeps ticking
And time is sticking
Congealing into a mass
Of slow moving
Soul stealing
Mediocre
Moments
Of
Loneliness.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Productivity or Just Procrastinating

I have always felt
There is a fine line
Between being productive
When pushing something off
And simple procrastinating
Today
Was one of those days
Dentist
3.5 mile run
And a shiur
Pesach cleaning (or just crap cleaning)
And still
I feel like
I have just been
Pushing off something
Something important
But...
I just can't quite put my finger on it...
Maybe it is buried beneath
Six years of "memories"
And useless garbage...
And maybe I'll figure it out...
Soon.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Madness

Fell down... down...
D....
....o.....
.........w......
..............n.....
A rabbit hole
But 
This is not wonderland
There is no Queen of Hearts
Because my heart
Still beats in my body
My head
Still attached at the neck
But
What the heck
I would rather 
Be smoking with the caterpillar
Lost in a haze
Than be wandering
In this
Not-so-wondrous maze
Because there are beasts a-wandering
And as I run
I stumble upon
Madness
Someone
Who might be
Mad for me
Mad about me
A kind of madness
That makes me feel
Like my heart
Can conquer anything
Monsters will not scare me
And trouble will not terrorize
But
As I open my eyes
In the bright light
I realize
That the rabbit hole
Was just my front stairs
And now my back hurts from falling
And my heart hurts
From wishing.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Love

When the bribes run out
And the pot of gold is empty
When the threats quit working
And instilling fear fails
When your hand becomes tired
And pain no longer creates pause
When your tongue goes a dry
And a million words have no meaning
When you have nothing left
And no plans in place
When hope is hopeless
And happiness is hazy
When there are no options
And escape isn't possible
Then, and only then
Will love remain
And love, true love
Can conquer all

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Critics

The critics
Will always criticize
With sharp tongues
And judging eyes
They will find flaws
And faults with all
When it comes to unnecessary comments
They will gladly answer the call
Snide remarks
Are their specialty
And they hurl insults
With such ridiculous glee.
The critics
Criticize
But because of their hurt
I will rise.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Today, We Enter

Flashback a couple hundred years... imagine the scene... a trembling queen... a king with intelligence below average... a wise man... a wicked plot... an enemy...
If you haven't guess, I am talking about Purim.
There are so many themes and concepts that emerge when speaking about Purim... the re-acceptance of Torah... the destruction of Amalek... the necessity for believing in G-d... I am sure you have heard a few... and maybe you have heard this one before, but in trying to make the Torah relevant to my life, I will share with you my thoughts.
In reading the story of Purim, hearing the many retold versions of Mordechai and Esther and most explanations, Achashverosh isn't really portrayed as a smart man. He drinks a lot. He has a hard time thinking for himself. In a moment of rash decision, he executes his wife. He blindly gives over his power to a man with questionable motives. Overall, he is generally seen as a "silly", shikkur and shoddy king.
Esther, the righteous niece/wife/cousin of Mordechai, comes from a rich lineage, a prestigious dynasty of Jewish royalty in their own rite. She becomes queen and by way of Mordechai's harsh rebuke is placed in the devastatingly tricky position of being the sole redeemer of the Jewish people, sentenced to genocide by Haman.
And so, she fasts. She prays to Hashem to save her; Hashem who is hidden throughout the text of this story. She knows that going to Achashverosh uninvited is reason for beheading. She is literally putting her life on the line for her noble and necessary cause of saving the Jewish people.
She prays "Keili Keili..." as she enters the royal chambers of Achashverosh and as she does so, she passes idols on her way "Lama Azavtani??". Her spiritual cleansing and connection that she attained through fasting and prayer vanishes. The protection she had built for herself falls away. And she enters.
Achashverosh raises his scepter and grandly offers up to half his kingdom to the fearful queen!
Fast forward in the text. Esther invites Achashverosh and Haman to a party. Then to a second party. She reveals Haman's plot. Haman is killed. The Jews are saved an can fight back against the genocide incited against them. We sing, dance, drink and eat in celebration. Hooray!
But you knew all this. So why am I telling you this?
I think that we all face an Achashverosh in our life. A situation that feels so formidable and daunting that we are so afraid and just want to get out. We pray. We find it hard to eat. We approach the situation and feel as if Hashem has forsaken us. And then, we look back following the situation and see that the "enemy" or situation we faced wasn't quite so frightening... it really was like approaching a drunk dumb king and... we were never alone. We had the strength we needed all along. G-d was always right there.
I'll admit, it is easy to say "oh, it wasn't so bad" after the fact. But what if we went into every difficulty and thought... "this isn't so bad. Nothing is more powerful than G-d... so any force I face is simply a less threatening version of anything I think because G-d can change things in a moment!"
Just some food for thought...

On a personal note, there was a year in my life where every day literally felt like I was walking into Achashverosh's chamber. I davened and prayed for redemption, for a scepter to be raised towards me in kindness. In took a year for that to happen. Looking back, it was a year of growth. I needed it. I needed to realize that the only One I can rely on G-d, especially when those I am closest to, or trusted the most have forsaken me. Even in my darkest moments, I retained the knowledge and belief that G-d would always do right by me, whether it was the way I thought it would be done or not.

I truly feel that at one point or another, we are all like Esther. We are facing danger. The enemy is all around. And at that moment, the only place to look is up, to G-d.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Heartbreak

I have watched
I have heard
I have felt
The heartache
Heart
Break
Nails on a chalkboard
That skin chilling cry
Of everything being lost
Every dream
Desire
And hope
Shattered
Battered
Broken
I have tried glue
And nails
Tape
To repair
The cracks
And mess
But at best
Someone knows I care
At worst
They realize there is nothing
I can do
And for you
I would go to the end of the earth
And back
But for me
My heart will stay
In pieces
If I stray
They won't know
About the pain

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Honey Date

Once dated
Already jaded
Piles of papers
And lists of names
To pick
Pick off
Or picture
Meetings at midnight
And the roundtable
Lobbies are off limits
And arcades are just limited
Miles crossed
Hearts tossed
Forget the man
Marry the idea
That marriage
Is reached
By the road less traveled
Because you must be mad
To wander down this thorny path
But if I meet you at the clearing
Will you be more endearing
Than the man who couldn't rise to the occasion?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

New Direction?

Sometimes I sit at my computer to write a post, and think Do I really want to share this with my anonymous blog world?  When I first began this blog, I was an angst-ridden teenager who was too angry with the world, and too restricted in how much of my mind I could speak. But now, I have matured (in some ways) and grown up. I don't see the world as such an oppressive and cruel place. I have made my own place. I am happy where I am in my life now. Sure, there are things I want to happen. I still have dreams, desires and wishes. But my plans for life are starting to fall into place, piece by piece. It's fun to watch the puzzle of my future be put together.
With that being said, I am no longer that angry high schooler who needed to have some place to vent about how unfair life is. So my question is, what direction will this blog take? I have thought about turning it into a "lifestyle" blog, but that will probably turn some people away. And I am pretty sure there are enough "shidduchim" blogs out there to keep everyone occupied with how they will marry off all those anonymous bloggers.
So... where to go? What direction should I turn this blog? Far left? Right turn? U-Turn?
Hm....

Friday, February 21, 2014

Elation

I wandered these streets
Heart elated
Mind debated
All the struggles I have faced
And will face
Something about this place
Makes all the pieces
Of my broken heart
Hopeful for a new start
There is peace here
Something special so near
I could walk here for miles
And never feel a drop of fatigue
So it would seem
I could lose all my worries
And not have a single care
Just from breathing in this air
All the questions
Fade to nothingness
And the answers
Have always been before me
And here I can open my eyes
To see
That with you
Is the only way to live
And without you
Is no life at all

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Coming Home

Is this real?
Can it be true?
Too long apart
I am returning to you
I have heard you calling
A faint whisper
Lost in the chaos
I strained to listen
And could hear your plea
Desperately
Waiting for me
After months
I am coming home.

Friday, February 7, 2014

For one second, it was too good to be true.

And guess what.

It was.

At least I have the memories...

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

For Me

I made this choice
For me
Can't you see
Things are not the same
I am smarter now
I see more clearly
I am ready to live my life
The one I was given
And the life I lead before
Wasn't living
I was simply letting myself
Be pulled
Pushed
Shoved
Buried
Beneath
Expectations I never had to fulfill
And demands that were never fair
I always rose to the occasion
But now
I will choose the occasion
It's my party
And I will smile cuz I can.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Slowly

I wish to close my eyes. Lean back slowly, my head feeling heavier... heavier... and then landing, perhaps on a clouds, and left to just float.... away. To drift somewhere where worries have no meaning. Where tomorrow is simply a word, and yesterday is too far to remember. I think that sometimes we lose moments in the chaos of living day to day. We forget to wake up each day and think "what incredible things will I accomplish today?" We get lost in the rush of where to go, what to do, what to buy....
I have been rushing. Running. In the literal and figurative sense. And while there are miles behind me, and miles ahead, there is a journey as well that I would like to enjoy.
So... perhaps I will try... to just slow... down....

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Feel Joy

Happy Birthday!
Mazel tov!
Congratulations!
I am
Overjoyed!
It's a boy!
A girl!
A chosson!
A kallah!
L'Chaim
Vort
Bris
Engagement
Wedding
Kiddush
I just
Want to say
I am learning
How to feel joy
And it feels
Joyous.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Clean

I am getting clean
Nothing 
Will hold me back
From setting myself
Free
I have set out to be
The best version
Of me
So I am getting clean
Letting go
Of what has been
Dragging me down
Down...
A downward spiral
Of holding onto memories
That mean nothing
A past
That has passed
And so
I clean myself
Get clean
Remove the garbage
Pardon my french,
The crap I have clutter my life
So today
I am getting clean.

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