Monday, May 24, 2021

I cannot fathom
Cannot imagine
Picture myself
My innards on display
For anyone to comment
But no
The answer is no
The anxiety about such a responsibility
Is just a bit more than I can handle
At the present moment
I have one little hurricane
To dress, feed, change, play with
Cuddle, snuggle, love
And he is a force to be reckon with
So stop with the comments
And stares
I am unaware
Of when
My uterus became public opinion
Keep your opinions
To yourself.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Months and Months

Renew me
Renew my soul
Renew my home
Renew my community
Renew my world
We are rotting in the decay
Of a crumbling society
A corrupt organization
A struggling people
How do we continue
How do we find light
In the darkness
In the madness
And only You.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

I've spoken to professionals before
In high school (some more legitimate than others)
On two separate occasions
Their ability to understand my needs
Was pathetic at best
And I never got the help I needed
So when life finally became too much
And I couldn't find my grounding
I took control to get the help I needed
And I found peace
And then life
Got messed up again
So back I went
For longer than I wanted
Or intended
But this time
It helped more than I could have imagined
I became someone who could make it through each day
Who could think with more clarity
And as life changes
As it is apt to do
I find myself in that place
Of life not going up in flames
But a small flicker
Starting to heat me up
Not sleeping at night
Panicking when I leave my apartment
Did I lock it?
Did I turn off the flame?
Will the whole blast explode by some freak accident?
I can't breathe
I feel unsafe
But my question is
If I believe that G-d will always protect
Is this anxiety an indicator
Of a lack of emuna?
And if so,
What is the solution?

Monday, April 24, 2017

Seven Weeks in the ED

I have been in and out of rooms
Checking up
and checking in
I know you have been waiting
I am waiting with you
Waiting to help you understand
To help you learn and be prepared
I know you are scared
This will hurt just a bit
Maybe more
But you are the bravest I have met
What is this room
And these machines
You don't belong here
Neither do I
If I had my way
I would lock the doors
Kill the electricity
And raze this building
To never have to see another sick child
A child in fear
Of being poked or prodded
If I could absorb your pain
Into my skin and bones
I would do it
If my blood could be tested instead of yours
I would be stuck a thousand times
If I could swallow those pills
Or be casted in plaster
Just so you never have to experience pain
I would be a pin cushion
Or shattered bone
Instead of you
Dear child
I wish we never had to meet
But since you are here
Let me hold your hand
Let me help you understand
We are just here to help you
To help you heal
To help you hope
To help you cope
Because you can conquer this
Cough, fever, cold
Broken bone, abnormal cell count
Elevated ketones, dropping heart rate
Whatever your fate
I will hold your hand
I will stay by your side

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Even In My Dreams

Even in my dreams
Or wildest wishes
I never imagined
That life could feel this way
That finding you
Would make me feel
Like I finally found the rest of me
Those pieces I had spread around the world
The shattered shards of my heart
Have somehow healed
Knowing you
Loving you
I could never have imagined
Someone as caring, kind, supportive,
Sweet, silly, smart, loving
Inspiring, exciting, adventurous
Responsible, realistic, optimistic
Honest, real or wonderful
As you
You make me feel
Like if I made wings
I would truly be able to soar
Because you lift me up
You raise me up
In ways I could never have dreamed of
Or imagined
And believe me,
I have a wild imagination
But nothing as vivid and bright
As the way you make me feel

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Life Lost

We move in these machines
Who decided this box on wheels
Would be the best way to go
This was the vehicle
That took you from one place
To another
And now
It has become your chariot
From this world
To the next
A holy soul
A pure individual
Just trying to a bit of good in the world
Trying to make sad lives a little brighter
You were a bright light
Extinguished in the dark of night
Did you fight?
Were you afraid?
How, how, how,
Why, why, why?
So many questions
Leaving gaping holes
In our pain-filled souls
A community
Feeling the incredible loss
A void that will never go away
But we will think of you every day
We will remember your goodness
Your pure, simple goodness
And may be one day soon
We will be good like you.

(For M.M. A"H)

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Caught unawares
Melting by your stares
Trying to psych me out
You are totally in my head
Working your way into my heart
This beating thing
I forgot what it sounded like
I spent too long trying to shut it up
There were months when it was
Just too damn loud
Angry and sad
And now
The sound is joyful...
Full of hope
I want this 
G-d it scares me how much I do
I didn't know that I could feel this way
That the way you smile
Could make me melt
The way you just feel so real
And feel so deep
I don't want to lose this
But I am scared to hold too tight
So tomorrow is another day
And for now
I am looking forward to that.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Let Me Forget

Let me forget you
Let me forget what it means
To care for someone
Who cares for a cause
Which creates so much joy
But also
So much pain
Let me forget
The past three... four years
The time we worked together
On something greater than ourselves
Something so great
Let me forget
Let me not remember
So that when I let go
You can let go of me
And forget we ever knew each other
Let me forget you
Because remembering you
Is a memory I can no longer tolerate

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

The Scariest

I think the scariest thing I have ever decided was when I decided I don't want to date. And I only decided this last week.
It has been an interesting year. The secular one I mean. I dated. Got engaged. And broke my engagement all in about the span of two months. Since then I have been trying to figure out what went wrong. How did I miss the signs. And there was signs about him, the relationship... But after months of therapy and a lot of introspection, frustration and confusion, I realized that I  didn't want to date. I don't want to date. Why? Because I have so much  I want to do and dating our world is an impediment to doing those things. I had anxiety while we dated about how this other person would impact the plans I had already made, the goals I wanted to achieve and the milestones I had to reach. So... I decided I don't want to date. And since deciding this, a few things have happened.
1. Someone asked me for my resume and I procrastinated sending it. Not for lack of time but for lack of intetest. She asked again and I sent it but a) I don't expect anything to come from it and b) I'll probably say no unless he comes wearing a sign that says "I am the man G-d intended you to marry and it was decreed that I marry you in heaven." and fireworks.
2. I was taking shidduch headshots (another discussion) for a single girl not much younger than me and she asked me if I was dating and I said no. She said, good for you, bla blah blah... And then asked me what I'm looking for. In my head I laughed because right now I'm not looking but to be polite I gave her my standard answer.
3. I was getting my eye brows waxed and my estetician, who recently finalised her divorce, and knows about my broken engagement (at this point it's better that people know) asked me if I am dating again and I said no. And that was it. Because if you date when you don't want to, you might get married before you are ready and end up having  a few kids and then... Realise you didn't want to date to get married and are now getting divorced.
So, I have slowly been making peace with this decision. It is scary because I spent years, since senior year, thinking about dating and getting married and watching classmates and friends tie the knot, have a kid, two kids... But dating never felt right to me. Even the nicest, sweetest guys were wrong. Whether because of the guy himself or because I didn't want to be in this "tekufah" but now I feel more at peace. When I think about dating, it kind of makes me sick. When i think about pursuing my dreams, on my timeline, I feel calm... Satisfied.
This may change. I may feel differently in a few weeks. But for now... The scariest decision is also the safest, the more secure.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Spidey Signs

You showed me a sign today. Some kind of gentle way of telling me you are okay... you forgive me? You love me. A little spidey cookie. An icon that will forever be tied up in my memories of you. You were a hero; the real kind. You spun webs of love and I was totally caught in them. You wrapped me tight. I was enamored... kind of mesmerized by you. I always wanted to know what you were thinking... what was it like in your world, trapped in a body you had no control over, simply watching others... did you realize what an impact you had, simply by lying in your hospital bed? I don't think I fully realized myself until you were gone... I know you are in a better place. But thank for sending me a reassuring sign. Love you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

I Miss You

It's three AM. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I ache missing you. I went to your Shiva today and your abscence was so loud... A silence that was so loud I could hear your abscence above the noise of people talking. You weren't clucking for attention. The ever present sound of kids shows wasn't heard. Your machines are off. You don't need them anymore where you are. I had to adjust my mind to understand that you are not here. You aren't in your room. The hospital. You aren't in this world. And I miss you so much. No more ruffling your crazy Harry Potter-like hair. No more painting your toes Spider-Man colors. No more tongue wars or sneaky smiles. I always thought we would have another visit. I was planning for them. I had activities ready. When the SW asked if everyone for closure, I had to fight back years and bite my tongue. I have not had closure. Even at your funeral.... I cannot process that my little man, my feisty boy is now in a box... Buried. I try to console myself that you are no longer in pain. You are dancing in heaven, wearing crazy costumes and singing with a full voice. But G-d, I miss you. Death is not for the one dying. It is for everyone who is left behind to wade through the days following your paasing, trying to make sense of a short life that was cut short and pain filled. You are free from these questions and confusion. You lived days, weeks, montbs, even years beyond what anyone expected of you. We knew this day was coming. And it doesn't lessen the blow of your loss. Whatever words of comfort people try to share, nothing can take away this ache I, we, feel at your abscence. But it isn't like you didn't show up for class. It isn't like we misplaced you and now you are missing... You are gone. Just gone. But how can it be? You were the strongest soul I knew. You endured so much. I keep trying to find peace in knowing you aren't hurting but selfishly, I want one more day. I was going to visit the day you passed away. I was too late. And for now, I don't think I will get over that. I should have been there. My boy... My handsome little man. I miss you. What's going to be of this world without you in it? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

My hero

When I first met you,
You couldn't walk
But I soon learned
That you could fly

There were hard fought battles
To breathe, to smile;
There were tears and triumphs
There was you, a superhero

You have always had powers
Some we knew
And some we never understood
But now, I know what is true

There are those who enter this world
With a mission we cannot understand
Even more so, we question such a life
But you, you lived

I can't imagine this world without you in it
You were steady, you persevered
But now, you are dancing in a party in the sky
And I sit here missing you

After years of pain and decline
I can find peace knowing you are no longer hurting
But I will think of you always
And miss you forever.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Take me Home

I ache for you
My heart shudders with desire
To be home
To walk the stone streets
To breathe the holy air
I want to lay eyes upon
The faces that color the streets
Of the past, present and future
I want to return to the city
Where my heart felt alive
My spirit danced
My soul was on fire
There was something in the sky
In the dirt
Between the walls
I was free
I want to feel free
I want to feel limitless
I want to be home
Where my heart is

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Shavuos Musings

If I am a Sefer Torah
This life is the mountain

If I am to be received
I must be readied

If I must climb a mountain
The journey should be decorated and beautiful

If there is a storm of lightning and thunder
I must be prepared to dance in the rain

If I am more precious than any imagined treasure
I must take great care to protect myself

If I am kept safe in the holy of holies
I must be as pure as gold and just as bright

If I am a Sefer Torah
G-d is waiting to give my testament to the world

Tuesday, June 7, 2016


Sometimes I am scared to wake up. Sometimes my dreams feel so real, so much better than my reality. In my sleep, I feel happy and safe. I know it isn't real. I know it's just that- a dream. But aren't dreams something hold on to? To believe in? Or are those only aspirations that we create and not the products of the unconscious mind...
Is it so bad to feel so happy in those dreams? Sometimes I just want to stay asleep so I can be in that happy place.
What is the purpose of a dream? Is it a foreteller of what's to come? Is it a tease of what we want the most? Does it have some deeper, abstract meaning? 
I just want that feeling during the day. To feel safe. To feel loved. To feel adored. Why is that so hard?
I tried to find that in someone who wasn't right for me. I projected everything I wanted to feel but ultimately felt nothing. I couldn't create feelings that wouldn't come. I couldn't pretend. 
But in my dreams, it's just want I want. It's what I dream for when I am awake. I don't know how to make it happen. I am asleep and unconscious but that is when I feel most alive.

Little Light

Let's look up and wonder
Marvel in the darkness
Caught in a storm of lightning bug thunder

Grab some jars
We're off to chase our dreams
But instead we found these flickering stars

Hold onto them tight
They are trying to hide their light
And make us feel blind in the night

Caught one, maybe two
But the journey wasn't about filling up bottles
It was about being here with you

Sunday, May 22, 2016


What is this
Lumpy red.... thing...
In my hand...
It beats
It bleeds
It is dripping
On the floor
(I just cleaned there)
What a mess
I confess
I don't understand the function
Of this thumping.... thing.
There are trails leading in
And out
But what is more
It is crying
It is
A disaster of a thing
But what is worse
Than the mess it's making
Is the pathetic fact
That I am a slave
To its rhythm 
Its endless 

Two Faced

We work together.
It would never work.
I feel too strongly.
I feel everything.
He is so intuitive. 
Why does isn't he in tune to how he makes me feel?
Everyone says it's a good idea. 
Does he think so too? Will he ever?
I am his right hand woman. 
Will he ever take my left hand?
He calls me Friday. 
I wish he would call me everyday.
I get angry that he doesn't get it. 
I would do anything for him.
It's like a rollercoaster. 
He makes me feel the ups and the highs.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 
I have been holding on for too long.
There are two sides to every story.
And he will never know mine.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Love Sick

נפשי חולת אהבתך
I want to be
Love sick for you
To be apart
An ache in my heart
To be together
Pure bliss
To feel giddy
Take me to the playground
Push me on the swings
Let's slide together
Hand in hand
Side by side
You see me
All of me
I want to be
In love with you
So please
Love me too


2011 (1) 49 (1) 5772 (1) acceptance (1) adar (1) adult (1) age (1) aish video (1) (1) alive (1) america (1) animals (1) apology (1) art (1) attack (1) bad for shidduchim (1) balloons (1) bar yochai (1) baud hamikdash (1) beasts (1) beauty (1) beginning (1) belief (2) benefit for bentzi (1) bentzi (1) black (1) black and white (1) black friday (1) bleed (1) bless (1) blessing (1) blood (4) boil (1) bomb (1) boston (1) boy (3) boyfriend (1) boys (1) breaking glass (1) breathe (1) broken (1) Building (2) burning (1) bus (1) buses (1) camera (1) cameron duncan (1) Camp Simcha (8) camp simcha special (1) cancer (1) candy (1) carboload (1) chai lifeline (5) chaim schvarcz (1) challenges (1) chances (2) change (4) channukka (1) chanuka (1) Chanukah (2) chayeinu (1) chesed (1) child (2) children (1) chizuk (1) choice (1) choices (1) chosson (1) christmas (1) chupah (1) cinema (1) class (1) climbing mountains (1) clock (1) close (1) clouds (1) cold (1) color (1) confusion (1) connected (1) Conversation 4 (1) convert (1) count (2) cousins (1) cry (1) CT (1) cyber monday (1) dance (2) danielle (1) danielle zfat (1) dating (3) davening (2) day (1) deals (1) death (6) decision (1) decisions (4) defying gravity (1) desire (1) desires (1) destruction (1) details (1) different (2) diploma (1) direction (1) disconnect (1) donation (1) dr. seuss (1) dreams (2) driving (1) dying (1) education (1) egged (1) eight days (1) El Al (1) emotion (1) emuna (3) end (1) end of the world (1) engaged (1) Eretz Yisroel (2) explosion (1) facebook (1) facebook nation (1) fairies (1) faith (2) family (1) fear (1) feelings (2) fieldn war zone (1) fighting (1) finish line (1) fire (1) flag (3) flags (1) flight (1) fluff (1) flying (2) Fogel (1) fools (1) forest (1) forever (1) forgiveness (1) freedom (2) friend (3) friends (5) friendship (2) future (3) G-d (2) gadol (1) games (1) gashmius (1) Gatorade (1) gila rina (1) girl (2) give (1) giving (1) going away (1) gone (1) good (1) goodbye (1) google (1) graduation (1) graffiti (1) greeks (1) greeting (1) grin (1) grow (2) growing (3) growth (2) hannukah (1) hanukah (1) happiness (8) happy (2) Hashem (16) head (1) heart (8) heaven (1) hell (1) hello (1) help (2) helping (1) hide (2) holding (1) holiday (1) home (5) honey (1) hot (1) hours (1) hurt (2) hush (1) ice (1) imagination (1) indecisive (1) independence (2) infinite (1) ing (1) innocence (1) insanity (1) insomnia (1) intellect (1) introspection (1) Israel (9) israel day parade (1) israeli flag (2) itamar (2) jerusalem (2) Jewish (1) jewish action (1) jewish geography (1) jewish novels (1) jewsic passover music video (1) job (1) judaism (1) Judgment (2) kallah (1) klal yisroel (1) LA (1) lag baomer (1) language (1) learn (1) learning (1) legacy (1) lessons (3) life (17) life support (1) light (2) limbo (1) list (1) little leaf (1) lives (1) living (1) look (1) los angelos (1) loss (3) lost (1) love (6) lying (1) magic (1) Mamilla (1) Mamilla Mall (1) man (1) marathon (2) marriage (2) mask (2) masquerade (1) math (1) maybe (1) mazel tov (2) Me (2) meetings (1) meme (1) memories (1) memory (1) Mercy (1) meron (1) messages (1) miami (2) milk (1) mime (1) mind (2) miracle (1) miracles (2) mirror (1) missing (3) Mitzvos (1) mohel (1) mold (1) monkey bars (1) months (1) morality (1) morley (2) morning (1) moshiach (1) movie (1) murder (1) music (1) natural (1) nature (1) neo-chassid (1) neo-chassidus (1) neochassid (1) neochassidus (1) new (1) Newtown (1) night (1) no (1) novel (1) now (1) o (1) oil (1) omek hadavar (1) omer (1) orthodox jews (1) others (1) pace (1) pain (2) palm trees (1) passover (1) past (1) paste (1) people (1) personal (1) personality (1) pesach (2) peter pan (1) place (1) poem (1) poetic (1) poetry (1) Pop Chassid (1) popchassid (1) pot (1) prayer (2) present (1) pressure (1) pretend (2) priorities (1) prism (1) problem (1) professional (1) profile (1) psychology (1) pulse (1) purge (1) question (1) questions (3) quiet (1) quote (1) rabbi akiva (1) race (2) rashbi (1) reading (1) reality (1) recycle (1) redeem (1) redemption (3) related (1) reminders (1) repentance (1) resume (1) return (2) revelation (1) rise (1) road trip (1) roads (1) rogue (1) roller coaster (1) Rosh Hashana (1) round tuit (1) ruin (1) rules (1) run (4) running (1) rushing (1) sad (1) sadness (1) sales (1) Sandy Hook (1) schizo (1) schizophrenia (1) school (2) searching (1) seasons (1) secrets (1) sefira (2) Shabbos (5) shadchan (1) shakespeare (1) shavuos (2) sheva brachos (1) shidduch (3) shidduch crisis (1) shidduch profile (1) shidduch resume (1) shidduchim (2) shield (1) shochet (1) shooteast (1) Shooting (2) sickness (1) silence (3) simcha (1) sing (1) slavery (1) sleep (2) smile (2) smiling (3) smoke (1) sneakers (1) snow (2) soaring (1) sobiech (1) social network (1) society (1) soul (4) spark (1) speaking (2) speical (1) stain (1) staircase (1) starbucks (2) status update (1) stoppard (1) strangers (1) street (1) street art (1) strength (2) strong (1) struggle (1) stuggling (1) stupid (1) suffering (1) sukkah (1) sukkos (1) summer (1) sunglasses (1) superhero (1) survive (1) swimming (1) talk (1) teacher (2) tears (1) technology (1) teenager (1) tefilla (1) tel aviv (1) terror (1) teshuva (1) texting (1) thanks (1) thanksgiving (1) the purge (1) the purge movie (1) the purge trailer (1) thinking (2) thunder (1) tightrope (1) time (5) tired (2) top ten (1) torah (3) tragedy (1) trailer (1) travel (2) tree (1) tricks (1) truth (1) trying (2) tuesday (1) tuesday tunes (1) tunes (1) twitter (1) uncertainty (1) understanding (1) unite (1) unity (1) unspoken (1) video (1) voices (1) waiting (2) watch (1) wavin'g flags (1) waving (3) waving flags (2) wayfarers (1) wedding (4) week (1) weird (1) whatsapp (1) Who am I? (1) why (1) wicked (1) wishes (2) wonder (3) wondering (2) wonderland (1) words (2) world (1) wrist (1) wristwatch (1) writing (1) x-mas (1) xmas (1) year (2) Yerushalayim (3) yeshivishe (1) Yetzer Hara (2) yetzer tov (1) yevanim (1) Yirmiyahu (1) Yom Kippur (2) yom tov (1) yom yerushalayim (2) youtube (1) zach (1) zach sobiech (1)
free counters