Sunday, December 10, 2017

I've spoken to professionals before
In high school (some more legitimate than others)
On two separate occasions
Their ability to understand my needs
Was pathetic at best
And I never got the help I needed
So when life finally became too much
And I couldn't find my grounding
I took control to get the help I needed
And I found peace
And then life
Got messed up again
So back I went
For longer than I wanted
Or intended
But this time
It helped more than I could have imagined
I became someone who could make it through each day
Who could think with more clarity
And as life changes
As it is apt to do
I find myself in that place
Of life not going up in flames
But a small flicker
Starting to heat me up
Not sleeping at night
Panicking when I leave my apartment
Did I lock it?
Did I turn off the flame?
Will the whole blast explode by some freak accident?
I can't breathe
I feel unsafe
But my question is
If I believe that G-d will always protect
Is this anxiety an indicator
Of a lack of emuna?
And if so,
What is the solution?

Monday, April 24, 2017

Seven Weeks in the ED

I have been in and out of rooms
Checking up
and checking in
I know you have been waiting
I am waiting with you
Waiting to help you understand
To help you learn and be prepared
I know you are scared
This will hurt just a bit
Maybe more
But you are the bravest I have met
What is this room
And these machines
You don't belong here
Neither do I
If I had my way
I would lock the doors
Kill the electricity
And raze this building
To never have to see another sick child
A child in fear
Of being poked or prodded
If I could absorb your pain
Into my skin and bones
I would do it
If my blood could be tested instead of yours
I would be stuck a thousand times
If I could swallow those pills
Or be casted in plaster
Just so you never have to experience pain
I would be a pin cushion
Or shattered bone
Instead of you
Dear child
Children
I wish we never had to meet
But since you are here
Let me hold your hand
Let me help you understand
We are just here to help you
To help you heal
To help you hope
To help you cope
Because you can conquer this
Cough, fever, cold
Broken bone, abnormal cell count
Elevated ketones, dropping heart rate
Whatever your fate
I will hold your hand
I will stay by your side

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Even In My Dreams

Even in my dreams
Or wildest wishes
I never imagined
That life could feel this way
That finding you
Would make me feel
Like I finally found the rest of me
Those pieces I had spread around the world
The shattered shards of my heart
Have somehow healed
Knowing you
Loving you
I could never have imagined
Someone as caring, kind, supportive,
Sweet, silly, smart, loving
Inspiring, exciting, adventurous
Responsible, realistic, optimistic
Honest, real or wonderful
As you
You make me feel
Like if I made wings
I would truly be able to soar
Because you lift me up
You raise me up
In ways I could never have dreamed of
Or imagined
And believe me,
I have a wild imagination
But nothing as vivid and bright
As the way you make me feel


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