It's 1 am. i just came back from a friends wedding. i wasnt planning on staying so late... or at all. But then I had a drink... and then another... and then another.. and then i felt happy... and there was music... so i danced... and as i went in circles....around ....around... i thought about how my life... is a series of circles... cycles... patterns.... right... fooot...left..hand... and then i switch it up and repeat. but its the same and then it isnt. i try to make sense,.. but its too loud, too dizzy...
I am at a place in my life where it is a constant struggle between wanting to disappear and wanting to be noticed.
I love the attention... the thrill of being wanted.... and then all of a sudden, it is all too much. and i just want to get on a plane and fly straight to the mountain side in bat ayin where i realized that G-d is really in this world, the way He can make me feel so small.. and yet so big, so many possibilites, all t once.
and rightg now, the possibilities are swirling like the wind that has been messing up my hairs for the past two days. its relentless and destructive. how do i behave? what choices am i supposed to make? i dont want to lose an opportunity i am meant to have but i dont want to regret the choices i make that sacrafice my happiness. i want to be happy. i want to be fulfilled. i dont know what i want.
perhaps another drink.
perhaps another dance.
I want to dance. I really want to dance.