Panic

The culmination of a year of success and failures, trials and triumph and happiness and sadness is finally upon us. I tend to wake up the mornings of Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur with this lump in my throat and a paralyzing grasp squeezing my heart.

This is it.

This is the end.

Everything I tried to achieve this year, every test I passed or fail is going to be scrutinized and judged.

Now, I am very aware of my shortcomings. I know that I made mistakes this year. A LOT of them. I made bad choices, bad friends and royally messed up in many ways.

But, at the same time, I am not so humble that I cannot acknowledge the areas in which I succeed. The mentors I became close with, the inspiration I gleaned from the most mundane, and all of my personal achievements and successes. I can visualize my scale in the sky as every action, word and deed line up to be sorted onto the side of good and onto the side of bad. 

"Next up, that time that Rachelli took her 'little sister' to the doctor when her parents had a busy schedule.... and its good!"

Phew. At least I know I have a few things in my favor.

"And now we have that night that Rachelli hung out with a less than savory crowd... That doesn't look too great..."

Luckily, I think I redeemed myself by leaving before things got too messy.

But there it will be, the positives and negatives and everything in between. I imagine Hashem looking over my profile trying to determine if I am worthy of another year of precious life. But thankfully, He also looks at where I am now. Now. Now. In the present. In the moment. Past and future notwithstanding, I am judged for the very instant where I commit myself to making better choices, doing my good, collecting more inspiration and coming closer to G-d. And that's what I want. That's what I have always wanted.

Life is funny in that we know what is the right choice, the right way, the right everything... but we get lost, misguided, confused and forget where we need to be going. 

I saw a quote that about sums this up.... How can the destination be so clear yet we're all so uncertain where we're headed?

We know where we need to be going, but the way to get there is messy, confusing, glorious, joyful, sad, difficult, painful, troubling, beautiful, inspiring and everything else that comes along with this journey we call life.

בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך בה מוליכין אותו
The way in which I want my life to go, that is the direction I will follow.

Tonight at 6:27 pm, and for the 25 hours following, I will state my mission statement for the year to come. I choose a life of meaning, of happiness, of inspiration and purpose. I choose a life worth living, a life I can be proud of and a life that Hashem can be proud of.

Gmar Tov. May we all be inscribed for a year of life, happiness and closeness with the Ribono Shalom. May all of our prayers for ourselves and for Klal Yisroel be answered L'Tova. May this be the year we experience the coming of Moshiach and the final Geula.