The Secrets You'll Never Know

I'm sure if you knew
The thoughts running through my aching mind,
Another friend, I promise,
I'm sure you'd be quick to find.

Beneath this charming smile
Underneath the one liners and jokes
Is a heart that is breaking
As it is beaten, and chokes.

You think I'm suave
And everything is fine?
Wait until, one day
You'll hear these dark thoughts of mine

The way I let myself succumb to pain
As it rips across my skin and heart
This happy girl you see
Is only moments from falling apart

And I have questioned, searching for truth
I hoped you would follow the clues
That would lead you to understand and know
About my terrible inner abuse

Yet you think, I'm still
Just jokes and causing trouble
I've built up this persona
That will soon fall to rubble

Do you doubt these words?
Perhaps so, as most do
But I am writing them
Because now... I can only rely on you.

A work of fiction... or is it?

The News

Casual conversation of trivial topics-- or maybe not, as pain is never trivial--
Turns into heart stopping fear, of an intense kind
As realization settles in, hard and heavy...
And acceptance starts to plant seeds
That will one day bear fruits
Of understanding, and perhaps contentment,
Though for now, I stand, with a weighted heart
To simply allow the news, to take root
While it is watered with my falling tears
And soaked in the light of a sun
That is happiness, as it shines to penetrate
Against the blackness that fights to lay dark clouds
Of anger and depression, perhaps revolt
In a most vicious manner.
Inner storms brew, waging war on my state of being
The cold, the warmth strike each other
As one tries to emerge victor
The defender of my bliss, the offender of the sadness tyranny
The protector of my madness, the offender of my elated laugh
Two enemies, or perhaps, two friends
Who fight to achieve an inner balance
Of which I yearn to know of, and let blossom within in me....


(It's late, I'm reading Shakespeare, and I have come to the surprising, and almost frightening realization, I know far too many sick children and adults... chronic or cancer, it's almost too much too bear. And those are alive and suffering might out weigh those who have passed on, yet the number is still too great on either side... And as I write down another name to daven for-- Tehillem is all we have-- I come to the chilling conclusion... nothing in this world is in our hands. It's all up to Him. And if He doesn't know what's going on... certainly we can never... Good thing He's steering this ship. At least I can be assured I'll land on a warm, safe island soon... with all those I know who suffer an illness a sea, resting blissfully under a warm sun and sipping fruity drinks....)

It's Just Details

Sometimes we get so caught up in the tiniest details, the scrutable details that we like to over analyze, rip apart, and wrap ourselves in. We take such pride in discovering every nuance, the mistakes, or perhaps, the stark correctness, that sometimes.... we lose sight of the bigger picture. We notice the trees, but forget that they are part of something bigger: a forest, spanning miles, comprised of thousands of the trees that on their own, are simply just a trunk and some leaves. In and of itself, it's good, but it lacks the majesty of the vast forest. And when we focus on the details, we miss out on so much. Rivalries between chesed organizations lose out on so much when politics, the details, get involved. You are limiting one's chesed opportunities simply because you don't agree with their  policies? What about those who are being put at a disadvantage because of your discretionary attitude? That once bright light lacks luster when you pull out those arrows, those unavoidable details, yet almost unnecessary shots. Why attack on the things that are just small supports, when there is a bigger foundation that needs building and reinforcement?
Don't get me wrong... details are important. Without them, a goal would be unattainable-- a far off wish that has no basis of being achieved. Without details, a story would lack character, plot, setting, theme and tone. Without detail, a painting would be a drab expression of someone who grabbed a paintbrush and started splattering. It would just be a canvas, with no explanation as to the color choice, the composition or design. And a song, without detail, would end up being an ear splitting display of poor voice choice, lyrical composition and instrumental mishap. It would be a disaster. Yet, in those situations, the details stand to uplift and elevate. And at times... the details stand to simply tear us apart.
You're husband must learn in kollel! The workplace is NO place for a women! It is a man's achrayis to support his wife! Torah is the ikkur of any Jewish home!
If these specific details (aside from the last one) dictated our lives, surely we would succumb to madness. Yes, there is the ideal, but then, life comes along and we must make decisions and adjustments accordingly.
So take a walk through a forest... notice the trees, the way the light shines through... but don't forget, you are still strolling the forest.

The Blackness

Black... on my hands...
Black... around my neck...
Black... covering my entire body....
Black... on my feet....
Black... up my legs....
Black... around my ears...
I am covered in blackness....
But all I see is blissful, whiteness...

Wherever you are... I hope you're warm...

The Finish Line

I have... persevered, for years; months... endless days
I said to myself; whispered in the mirror...
I want this... more than you, them... anyone
Determination to succeed
Overcame my spirit and mind....
I stepped on endless toes...
Killed thousands of others
Simply because.... I decided,
And thus annihilated.
Yet none of it mattered
For that glorious ending
Remains clear in sight
And those who supported me....
Pushed me to get here....
And they say that because of that
I am successful...
But what about...
The hundreds of times I murdered
And was put to trial
Found wanting...
Fallen
And forced to pick myself back up...
again... and again...
Can that be... success?
Or is it after... I have reached the finish line
The here that is lusted for
By you, I, and all the rest
Is it the prestige, the wealth
In this moment... that is success?
Or the time before?
Perhaps in the future,
The time after here.
I am running, racing with every breath
But... with each stride
I am left to wonder...
Where is the finish line?

The Man at the Front Desk

The man at the front desk had been waiting. He was due to have an appointment arrive to meet with him. The guest was late and the man was becoming impatient. He wandered, he dawdled, he waited, yet he knew with perfect faith, his guest would arrive... eventually. The clock ticked ominously on the wall. At first glance, it was normal, but closer inspection revealed differently. The hands ticked as a clock does, but instead of an arrow at the end pointing to the number, it was a face, and instead of numbers along the edge, it was a location. One such hand, was moving slowly towards the hotel where the man at the front desk was waiting. He watched the hand move slowly, slowly, almost never reaching the hotel.
The man at the front desk was anxious. Nervous... and excited. He had longed for this guest to arrive... they had spoken a few rare times on the phone, communicated, albeit in brief sporadic times. They had what would be considered a friendly relationship, but the man at the front desk wanted to know this guest personally, and talk with him for long hours... He desired to have a close relationship with the guest... to be friends on the deepest level.
The hand moved... ticking closer toward the hotel... it was almost time.
Suddenly, there was ding at the front desk. The man whirled around. There was a different guest waiting to be attended to. This one had problems galore. She ranted and raved, talked on and on, finally, succumbing to tears. The man at the front desk cared for her, brought her to a safe room and promised her she would be ok. Then he went back to the clock. He stared... until he realized... the hand wasn't coming closer to the hotel. In fact, it was turning away. The man at the front desk, with a single tear in his eye, sighed loudly. His guest was due to check in.... but decided to take a detour to the hotel... he would arrive... eventually.... until then... the man at the front desk would wait...

Footprints, a song

Ever had a moment, single spark of inspiration the bursts forth? (Usually at very inappropriate times?) I had one of those moments today, and this is what came of it... a song...

Walking along
I see before me
Flashes of my life
My past memory
Mirrored against
Footprints in the sand
Unrolled and unraveled
It's G-d's Master Plan

All the pain
The triumphs and tears
From all my life's
Happiness and fears
Here and there
He walked with me
Until I'm left alone
It's there I can't see

Chorus:
Where were You
When I needed you most
Where's your imprint
Along the water's coast?
Through the darkest times
You let me walk alone?
Why did you leave me
To make it my own?

The sun starts to shine
Your voice echoes in the air
"My child, please see,
I was always there...
When you needed me most
I never let you go
When the footprints show just one
That's when I carried you close..."

Chorus:

Where were You

When I needed you most

Where's your imprint

Along the water's coast?

Through the darkest times

You let me walk alone?

Why did you leave me

To make it my own?

גַּם כִּי-אֵלֵךְ בְּגֵיא צַלְמָוֶת, 

לֹא-אִירָא רָע  כִּי-אַתָּה עִמָּדִי

Though it seemed
Like you left me to chance
You held my hand
In my life's journey and dance...

Another Day...

Things you don't want to wake up to...

There was an accident... be careful... what happened?... He... died....
He was... her son...

Modeh Ani....

Stress is not reality.
It's perception.

Breathe...

Oh The Times We Live In...

Chanukah... yea, it's the running theme among just about everything.... the popularity of the Maccabeats music video (Yes, I did write about it before... still confused about it, but more placated... sort of), the new age Matisyahu song, the parody video by NCSY, the dancing Chabad guys... and on, and on, and on... (ha)... But then, it hit me today... like a ton of bricks...
Basically... I have this one class... and I don't really like the teacher most days. Her style of teaching is about 90 miles an hour, and yes, I like to drive fast, but not through my learning. Anyhow, my class was hocking her about how we haven't had any parties and we are so over worked and on, and on and on... (ha... again). And then she said something that really cemented the times we live in....
The neis of Chanukah isn't supposed to be publicized through chart topping music videos and over sized menorahs (though yes, it is a good way to perform pirsumei nisa) but it isn't the ikkur. What the Maccabim fought for, DIED for, was NOT the right to party and get stuffed on latkes and sufganiyot (yea, I had some of those) rather, they sacrificed their lives, for the eternal right of our people: to learn Torah. That is what Chanukah is all about. When the Yivanim attacked us, first they went for our spirituality... invading our minds with twisted ideas about the glorious human body, physical perfection, materialism... yet, we stand for the purity of the neshama, spirituality, kedusha and most importantly, Torah...
And in this day and age... I think we sometimes lose sight of that... we let that Greek philosophy seep into our homes and minds, not really realizing it... these days, it isn't so overt and obvious... it's subtle and sneaky...
But.... did the Chashmonaim really fight just so we could live in luxury and maybe learn a bit here and there? No.... they fought so we could delve into the depths of Torah, submerge ourselves in Mikor Chaim-- Hakadosh Baruch Hu... they fought so we could live...

What Is Real?

I find myself

Rather trapped amidst the

Thoughts that plague my mind

Things of beauty turned

Ugly and dark

Disturbed patterns

Of no control

And weak attempts

At tricking the perverseness

Into something healthy…

It’s not bad

It’s reality

But it is creeping dangerously

Bombarded by how they view it

And its all I know…

So tell me…

What is real?

As the Candles Glow...

It's that time of year
When there is abundance of cheer
The sky may be cloudy,
But down here it's crystal clear....

It's the holiday season
And without rhyme or reason
We are sucked into the bliss
Of practicing religious treason

It becomes quite all right
To sing about the glowing candlelight
To uplift, it may succeed
Through a tune called "Dynamite"

We allow the outside world in
Is it elevation or simply sin?
Are we bringing the low up high
Or succumbing to assimilation?

I'm having mixed feelings as the candles glow
There is a tune playing, that the outside world all know
Did we make it kosher?
Or just so-so?

The chag of light is burning strong
But do we have the right idea as the days go along?
Of coming closer and bringing the spark inside ourselves
Or are we ourselves causing the Galus to prolong?

An Utterance

It was an uncomfortable statement....
Said in earnest...
That caused us to squirm
And obey...
But it confirmed a hope...
That there are those among us...
Who remain on the straight...
And true path...

Who Feeds Who?

She sits... strapped to her chair,
Cannot move, spastic motions
Behind the quiet, calm eyes
Underneath the near silence
Lies a thinking brain
A beating heart
That loves
And is loved by all...
Spoonful by spoonful
I fed her...
She is older than me
But accepted each bite
And while I was satiating her
She was satiating so much more of me.

It's Here!

Dearest Strangers in Blogger Land,
I present to you the latest, up and coming musician of the Jewish music world: Zevi Kaufman!
http://www.mostlymusic.com/zevi-kaufman.html
I have no words to describe Zevi's music other than, it will change your perspective on Jewish music in a very big way.
So go buy it today!!!

Rachelli

The Wanting Well

The well has run dry
Nothing more to provide
For the thirsting souls
It itself is lacking
Left wanting more
The rain has yet to fall
The sky is clear
But the sun isn't shining
Once the clouds roll in
Streams of satiation will fall
Perhaps after the thunder
All will be well again...

I was formed
Of dust and breath
You blew into me
Upright I stood
To serve and uphold.

Tempted and teased
I partook of the forbidden fruit
Consumed in its flavor
Mortality eluded me
As was once promised.

Banished
I toiled beneath the sun
For a moment's pleasure
I suffer eternally

Zevi Kaufman- First Listen!!

I have about six seconds to post. Here is the link to listen to Zevi's cd!
http://www.thejewishinsights.com/wp/exclusive-listen-zevi-kaufman-music-language-soul/

The second song is my absolute favorite. No joke, I have listened to it over 200 times.

Listen to his words, the melody...

And enjoy...

The Distance

I find myself,

Staring into the distance

Far past the things that are right before me

In order to see beyond and above..

There is a space, between me and the distance

That cannot be bridged

Simply by… waiting and staring…

So I buckle down to begin

This journey was not made for the faint of heart

It means ripping from yourself all the strength and courage

And pressing it into action,

To run with the wind

And race against the tide.

It means taking every ounce of your heart

And giving it over

Completely and totally

In love, and in life.

And the edge of the distance

Drops down into the unknown

Because as far as I can see and predict

There is so much more I will never know

And it grabs me like an iron fist

Choking me into submission

But I will never give in

The desert storm blows through me

Leaving scars of sand

Time may ravage me, or steal what I have to offer

But it can never win, because for one more second

It is mine, to prevail, to control.

I stare… I see… I wonder…

The distance is wide, overwhelming

Vast, and surpasses time… and space.

It is the rising enemy, it is… the attempt.

I step forward… one... small… step…

You May Not Hear It.... But Your Soul Speaks

As a Baby…

Here I am, ripped from my heavenly abode to dwell for an unknown length of time in this base, mundane body… my Father sent me here for a mission, a purpose, to fulfill His will. How I wish I never left… This squirming, helpless body feels so tight. I’m so uncomfortable. How long must I exist in this selfish, taking body? Hashem… I long to serve you…

As a Child…   

It’s been twelve years… My Guf is now obligated to keep all of Torah and Mitzvos. Now her seichel must play it’s role in helping her make the right decisions. Finally, my dream is coming true! Now I will daven to Hashem, learn His Torah and come close to Him!

Oh no… where is she going? What are those images? These sounds? Why is it so dark? I feel so sick… A movie? Hashem… what is this?

As a Teenager…

She’s changing… I feel it. I heard the words of the holy Rabbi, a Guf that totally embodies Ratzon Hashem—his Ohr is brilliant. I feel so warm when he is around. And she has taken to heart his words. I haven’t heard those low, disgusting excuses for music in several weeks. I am soaking in the words of Torah, Hashkafah and Mussar from the Sefarim she has delved so deep into. Hashem, I finally feel close to you again. Yes, it’s like looking through a window… until I return to You, there will always be something blocking me, but at least now I can see You and at times… I can hear You.

As a Young Adult…

No… where is she taking me? What happened to the sweet songs of Torah and Tehillem she used to listen to? What is this noise? Hashem, it huts! With each beat, I feel like I am being beaten. Every song, another bruise… every show, another cut, because those images will leave scars…. Please… make it stop! I can’t bear it anymore! She has completely removed my advocate, The Yetzer Tov. How I long to hear him fighting, coaxing and urging on my behalf. Now I only hear him. The Yetzer Hara. He is so loud, so dominating. Hashem…. Take me back… let me return to you… this pain is unbearable…. And who are these strangers she is spilling her secrets, her feelings and emotions too? They are connected to me and they should not be revealed so lightly! Why is she exposing the depths of herself? They are not worthy! This is not how it’s meant to be…. Oh… this is so painful… Hashem… she doesn’t call to You anymore. Can You even hear me anymore? Have I become so minimized in her life that even You don’t hear my desperate pleas? Can You help me anymore? Am I alone? I feel so cold… I miss the warmth…

As an Adult…

Hashem, I am so joyous! Baruch Shem K’vod Malchuso L’Olam Va’ed! Mazel Tov! Finally, I have found my partner in this world. I feel so safe now. This glowing Chupahis a canopy of Your love for us. She looks so beautiful… Her Chosson is such an upstanding Ehrliche Yid. Those dark months are behind us and now we can move forward living a life of Torah, together with him… and together with You…

Little Kid

I remember there was this little kid I used to hang out with. She loved to run around in circles, dance in the sun and fly in the wind. Life was her stage and she starred as the lead role. Costumes were in abundance... stage makeup colored her every movement. She was a pretty cool kid...

She loved making trouble. If there was something mischievous afoot, she was usually the one behind it. Pulling pranks was her specialty. I would join her in her games and laugh with her as she made others wonder in curiosity about her "abnormal" ways. She didn't care if they whispered. She was going to live her own life, regardless of the pointing fingers and hushed tones.

We hung out a lot, way back in the day. I remember feeling so safe around her, despite her youthful tendencies. She was someone I was happy to be with. And then, one day she was gone.

I looked for her a few times. I went back to the places we had spent time together. The park, the sidewalks, the ice cream store and the old drug store. But she wasn't there... and soon, I didn't have time to look for her.

I had too much to do to look for a flighty little kid. She wasn't reliable, she was a risk because she wasn't someone I could trust.

I let her fade away... she became just a faint memory...

Then one day, when I grew up, I realized how much I missed that little kid and I wanted her back in my life... but by that time she was gone... We had gone too far from each other. I lost myself.

And I lost that little girl.

I lost me.

It's All About the Little Things

I just got a phone call. The phone call was about a video project I have been in the midst of working on. The call was about some changes that need to be made. I have been working on this project since September and it should have been done since...well, September, but due to technical errors and lack of time it took much longer.
This phone call was about some necessary changes. Little ones. Nothing major that we can do without but all the same, nice to have...
And it made me think...
When we are taking on a kaballah, we often want to start with something BIG, COLOSSAL and MONUMENTAL. Something that will make people stop and say, "Wow... what gadlus!" And for ourselves, we want the rights to say, "Look how far I came..."
And sometimes that works...
Most often, it doesn't.
We take on something so huge that we aren't prepared for the ramifications it will have on us and how hard it will be...
So instead...
We take on little things.
I believe it was R' Shach (and I could be wrong) but he once took a kaballah: To read Bircas Hamazon from a Bentcher, looking inside the whole time. Most people consider that such a trivial thing... but then, when we really thing about the essence of Bircas Hamazon, he really took on a tremendous thing! But, it was small enough that he could be consistent in it... and that's why he was R' Shach...
So, yea, sometimes the small changes seem insignificant and tedious, but they create a more beautiful, better creation... whether it be a video... or you.

I'm...

Not quite sure...

Why I am here...

Hello... have we met before?

You seem... rather familiar...

Your face reminds me of another life...

Did I know you from the garden?

Or perhaps we met... behind the iron fences,

Buried beneath piles of...

Burning...

Flesh...

Is that where I know you from?

Or from that heavenly abode

Where we sat in peace... and tranquility

Seated at the feet, and throne

Of glory and magnificence...

Have we met before?

Your eyes..

They have looked through me before...

Or perhaps...

You just seem to know me...

Better than I

Know myself...

But if we have met before...

I am not the same person I was...

Can we start over?

Music: Language of My Soul (Zevi Kaufman)

Music takes on a whole new meaning when Zevi is singing. His melodies and words are uplifting and inspiring unlike anything I have ever heard. I have personally heard Zevi's songs (pre release) and they literally put me in another world. His CD is coming soon, but the link below is to a review on MostlyMusic about his upcoming album. It's worth reading, and his CD is well worth waiting for... Keep an eye out for it-- It will change the way you feel about yourself, Hashem, and music, forever.

http://www.mostlymusic.com/blog/ZeviKaufman/

Someone, Somewhere

Someone, somewhere
Just heard a bolt of thunder
And felt a sickening crunch
Their heart leaped
Then fell
Into the endless, fathomless abyss...

Someone, somewhere
Just had everything they loved
Ripped apart viciously
Like a pack of rabid wolves
Going in for the kill
Without mercy

Someone, somewhere
Just walked into the darkness
Without a guiding light
Or a hand to hold
No one to hold them close
Or keep them safe.

Someone, somewhere
Just lost everything...

And only now, can they begin to seek...

I am standing on the edge
Ready to leap forward
Lean over
Let myself be enveloped
In the warmth
The ice cold
The chaos and mayhem
I see it lurking at the surface
It longs to burst forth
I reach for it
Just a touch away
So close
I smell it
I breathe it
I crave it
I want to be there
Beneath the glittering moon
Beyond the reality of where I am
Past the depths
There is a light
So small
It is shimmering
It is waiting
And I am too.

Hope

I dream of touching your stones

The yellowing rock that has held within it

Years of history

Million of whispered prayers

Billions of tears

Shed in joy

Sadness

Uncertainty

And hope.

I long to caress the crevices

That are filled to the brim

With folded notes

That request

Divine inspiration

Sustenance 

Healing

And hope.

I envision myself

Only inches from burying my face

In your enormous bricks

That for thousand of years

Have promised courage

Protection

Redemption

And hope.

I pray that one day

I will be next to your wall

Pouring out my soul

To your listening pores and cracks

As you soak in every tear of mine

And you comfort me with the reassurance

Of eternity

Forever

And hope.

Trust and Release

How fun it is to realize,
To grow and learn
That life is a never ending process
Of bridges to set fire and burn.

Finding someone to trust
Is like a needle in a haystack
Impossible to come across
Leaving a never ending lack

The moment I released
What was weighing down my heart
You moved on
To a new life apart

I don't want to rely on others
For this simple reason alone
Because sooner or later
You can only make it on your own...

Flowers, Reflections and Double Lives

I wanna believe you are true
Like a flower to the sun
I turned to you
Somehow you were like
A breath of fresh air
But maybe it's because
You never were really there
Just a fleeting image
That flitted through my mind
And a concrete idea of you
Is getting harder and harder to find
You are who you seem to be
But if that were the case
Then am I really me?
Or just a reflection of who I am around you
The person I want you to see?
Yea, that person isn't me.
Double lives
Two sides to the coin
When will the different aspects of me
Become coherent and join
To create one united entity
When will all the parts of my life
Come together and create me,
Whoever that may be....

Why Is It So?

A friend came over last night and we spoke for a while about her grandfather who is sick. I tried to give her chizuk, ways she could help herself cope, and reason to smile and find the good in life, even when it seems so impossible. Her grandfather has been sick for a while, and in fact, wishes to die. His pain is so great, he has been dehumanized as he can't even go to the bathroom on his own.
She came to me to discuss this because of my experience with sick children (see my posts about Wonderland). I gave her my perspective on the situation, and ways she can accept the answer to her burning question.

Why is G-d doing this???

It's a valid question. We may never know the answer, but we can ask. And I told her, you can be mad at Hakadosh Baruch Hu. You can yell at Him, you can cry to Him. But you cannot ignore Him. Don't push Him away, because the moment you do, every ounce of hope is gone. When you have no one to talk to, no one who understands, HE does, and He desperately wants to hear from you!

My experience with sick children is such that I draw so much from them. Yes, their situation is awful. But so much can be gained from engaging with these children. Illness in any form is tragic, there is no doubt about that. I know kids, I know adults, who have every right to sulk around all day, to be mad at the world, to be mad at G-d, but somehow, in their darkness, in the shadows of their lives, they find light and spread it to the world. They show the world, "We may be hurting, we may be in pain, but it doesn't control us."
Every time I watch this video, I cry. But this family, this child! epitomizes what it means to find the light, even in so much pain!
I can't give my friend the answer to her question. I can't even begin to try.. I am no doctor, rebbetzin, nor do I know the full extent of the situation or all the cheshbonos involved, but I can tell her: Even though it is hard, even though it is difficult, you can still be happy... you can still be strong! Call to Hashem, cry out to Him! Load your burden on Him, and you will find yourself feeling so much lighter....

I hear about too many sick children, too many adults passing on... it hurts, and it's hard, and I have been angry at Hashem for what He does... but then I realize, not a thing that He does is bad... I just need to find the good in it all...

Im Yirtze Hashem, we should only have refuos, simchas, and brachos in our lives...

It's Shabbos Now

It's been a long, trying day. Plenty of things to do, lots of running around... trying to stay awake... and just keeping going. No stopping.
The night settles in... everything calms down, if only for a bit. There is still so much to do. But... I want to relax....
And then, a most gentle, fragrant and warming scent begins to permeate the air. It's soft, sweet, succulent, and makes me salivate. Suddenly, there is a heavy hunger in my stomach where there wasn't one before. I inhale deeply, letting the rich aroma wave around in my nostrils. It is so heavenly, I can feel a lift, an elation. My mood has changed, my mind set is so much lighter.
Despite my efforts to detail the beauty of this scent, my words could never do justice. It must be experienced on an individual level... a personal indulgence, only momentary, but enough to understand the incredible scent I wish to convey...
True.... I am referring to food. But it is food on a different level. A different level entirely. It is a scent that is combined with the anticipation of the day to come... a day that in and of itself has its own soul-lifting scent. It fills the air... and while we may try to speak of it, describe it or convey it, it must be experienced to be fully enjoyed.
Shabbos is not just words that we express. It is a life changing time. It is the cement of who we are-- what holds us together. And oh! How pleasant it is! It lifts us, molds us! It enables us to be better people, to better appreciate all that we are given. Shabbos settles in and suddenly, we feel different... on a high... and in fact, we are. We are in the upper realms, reconnecting with Hashem. And up there, is the most heavenly aroma we could ever enjoy... And while we are not there yet, we have a piece of it down here. It comes every week. It nourishes our souls.
It's Shabbos.

Soaring

I saw it there
As we were driving by
The wings of an eagle
Taking flight into the sky

Carrying on its back
The souls that long and desire
To reach great heights
And soar ever higher

It flew into the clouds
Disappearing in a second too soon
In time it will ascend
And at night, neighbor with the moon

Only to reach its destination
And light up in the sun
Because the souls yearning for home
Have finally become one.

Overflowing, Spilling Out

Drop by drop
Filled to the surface
Crystal clear
And sparkling.
Radiance as it catches the light
The streams swirl within its confines
In delirium it is ethereal
It is happiness
And safety combined.
And then.... spilled over
Drop by drop
Removed of everything it tried to be
Full, and complete
Now half there,
Almost half gone
The optimistic sees the potential for fullness
And the pessimist realizes that nothing will be left
When trapped in the middle
Of being filled
And forgotten
The cup starts to crack
And then everything
Explodes

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Aspects of Me

Upon hearing the revelation about certain aspects of a  person's personality, the almost initial reaction is to DENY DENY DENY!
That's not me! I don't do that! 
And then a person takes the time to think... and realizes, that the world certainly views him/her differently than a person views him/herself.... and realization settles in.
Am I really like that? Do I really act that way? Could he/she be right?
Acceptance... understanding... discomfort....
And then the promise (bli neder), the resolution to change sets in. Things must change. A person must behave differently... Arrogance, defiance, selfishness, vanity or any other number of similar personality traits are not becoming of a growing, thinking, changing person. They reflect all that is wrong in this world. And they must be changed. For the better... or for nothing at all. A person may look in the mirror and see all his flaws, but his self-understanding is somewhat limited. Who we are is, though it's hard to admit, not solely based on our own opinions of ourself. What others think of us do form our personalities...
We are not our own person at times....
At times we have to change, based on what others view of us...
I guess I am like that sometimes.... now how can I fix that?

Unity- A Video

This video came out a few days ago in support of freeing Shalom Rubashkin. Many Jewish artists came together to create this video, an inspiring song with an uplifting message: We must stand together. Klal Yisroel is one unit...
We are united.
We are Unity.


www.unityforjustice.com

Camp Simcha/Chayeinu does Waving Flags in Mamilla! (Israel)

Here's some footage of Camp Simcha/Chayeinu in Israel performing "Waving Flags" in Mamilla Mall!

http://wejew.com/media/9396/Camp_Simcha:_Waving_Flag_Song_in_Jerusalem/



Awesome, isn't it?

The Magic Burns Bright

The days drifted to an end
And hearts were heavy with wonder
What would happen to it all
The magic of this summer?

The last bus left
But we left our hearts behind
Still a sense of hope
Slipped into our minds

Because when there is so much love
And so much to give
You learn that although it's difficult
Fond memories can be relived

The fight continues
Every day, it's a battle field
But you have an army of friends
Who will never let you yield

With laughter, joy and constant support
They stand by you every moment of every day
They are the ones with the power
To take the pain away

The magic still exists
There are those who perform it with care
A constant glow sparkles in the night
A reminder that friends are always there

Sometimes it's hard
And you want to give up and give in
But we stand by you firmly
Child, you will win

And while we stand to fight for you
You give us the power to persevere
Until we are all together dancing
In Yerushalayim, IYH, this coming year.

Just a Little Bit- Chipping Away at our Block of Ice

When Yom Kippur comes around, I understand that everyone gets into the "moment" of doing Tshuva. Of course, it is a crucial time for us to introspect and come to terms with things we have done or said and make amends for our actions and deeds. But we must be reminded, Yom Kippur is NOT the only day for repentance. It is written that a person should do Tshuva before he dies. Does a person know when he is going to pass away? No! That means we must do Tshuva everyday, every possible moment we can.
A speaker came to my school yesterday to discuss Yom Kippur. He had us all take out a piece of paper and write down the four step process to doing Tshuva.
1. Vidui Peh- admittance of our actions outloud
2. Charata al ha'ever- regret for our actions
3. Kabalah al ha'asid- accepting upon yourself to change
4. Azivas ha'chait- Letting go of our previous actions.
Obviously, the enormity of this list cannot be denied. These are the the very steps that will IYH merit us another year of healthy and happiness.
But then he told us to draw a big X through our written last.
There was an audible gasp. In all my years in school, we had never been told to cross out that list. It is pivotal to our existence! We were almost up in arms with this Rabbi.
And then he really brought us down, to see how unbalanced our perception of this list is.
We can write it down a thousand times. We can know the Hebrew terminology and be able to write it down verbatim, spit it back when asked and quote it whenever. But do we REALLY implicate in our lives? Do we REALLY do Tshuva?
He then went on to explain how we don't need to wait until Yom Kippur. Begin the Tshuva process before. When we come to Yom Kippur, we often feel weighed down by all of the sins we carry with us into Shul. We stand before Hashem, our backs bent, beating our chest in submission. There is a huge block of ice on our backs... but should it really be so heavy? Why not begin to chip away at that ice before Yom Kippur? Why not begin repentance, true tshuva beforehand? If it means a more meritorious judgement, what is stopping us from beating our chests earlier? What is stopping us from going to Hashem on a regular Thursday or Tuesday and saying "Hashem, I made a huge mistake. I am so sorry for what I did. All I desire is to be close with you. Please forgive me for my actions so that I can come to closer to you. It's all I want."
And isn't it in truth? Hashem is our Loving Father. He so badly wants a relationship with us. But when we sin, we drive a wedge between ourselves and Hashem. It builds walls, higher and higher that we only add to unless we take action. Tshuva removes these walls. Tshuva stops bricks from being added to what is blocking us from Hashem. We must take the time now, in these precious few hours before Yom Kippur and do Tshuva. Think about one thing you did wrong... yesterday, this past week, month and year. Go to a quiet place. Talk it out with Hashem. Tell him how badly you want to be close with him and how sorry you are about what you did. And don't just say it. MEAN it.
Come to Yom Kippur a bit lighter, cleansed and ready to show Hashem that you are worthy of being inscribed in the Book of Life.

IYH we should all be judged for a good year full of health and happiness. May we only we of b'suros tovos in Klal Yisroel and all those who need a refua, find one speedily.
Gmar Chasima Tova.

Tug of War

When you consciously choose to fight yourself, there is this fleeting sense of victory. Like when you outsmart yourself, then of course you have won! Or so it seems.  In truth, when fighting yourself, trying to prove the victor, you only end up tearing yourself down. And when that happens, no one wins.
It becomes an inner tug of war. The side of you that wants to do what's right is pulling and pulling and in fact, that side of the line is such a pleasant place to be. It's light, happy and sometimes, if you listen closely, there is music playing. But the other side... oh how tempting it is to not fight it, to just let yourself be pulled into the darkness, the clutching fingers that hold tight. In that place, you can see the light. It's within reach. But slowly, almost in an unnoticeable way, you are being pulled away from it. It's like falling into a pit, slo-mo... Both sides in their own way look appealing, and the pull towards the dark side of the line is so intriguing, mysterious.... so why not let yourself be pulled there?
It would be so easy to let go. It would so easy to not try.
It would be so easy to go off the deep end. It would be so easy to not care.
But is easy what's best?
Do we get any pleasure from things that are easy? Does a marathon runner have an iota of accomplishment if he doesn't put in the effort to train? To push himself?
Does a teacher enjoy teaching if there aren't difficult questions to answer? Does a mother feel proud of her daily doings if there isn't some struggle? Perfecting the recipe everyone loves?
No one likes pain. No one likes to exert themself more than they have to. But the reward, the inner feelings of pride and joy are so much more worthwhile when they are worked for... an extra drop of sweat... extra time thinking... testing and trying...
Life is about pulling. It's about pushing. It's about testing self limitations and pushing them as far as you can in order to achieve self accomplishment.. for the right reasons.
So you are pulling on a rope. Both sides want you.
What are you going to fight for?

Where's the Music?

The faint melody is fading fast
Something tells me this soothing song
Is not going to last.

I watch as the last note
Dances off into the distance
And I follow it by rote.

Where's the music?
The song that used to play
That engaging tune
That used to carry my thoughts far away.

The symphony I used to orchestrate
No longer plays in my mind
All the black dots and strokes have begun to disintegrate.

Where's the music?
I kept it so close to my heart
How can it be that something I held so dear
Has begun to fall apart?

Where's the music?
The song that you used to sing
Where are the words to your lyrics
That I was obsessed with writing?

I watched, and listened with heart ache
As the sounds of happy delirium
Slowly fade away, leaving me left to break

Where have the sound of happiness, joy and wonder
Disappeared to in a fleeting moment
Leaving only the horrid sound of menacing thunder

Where's the music?
The delightful sounds that used to enrapture my mind
I miss the music that used to be playing endlessly
Where's the music that I am so desperate to find?

Not the Only Crisis

She sat at the end of the table as the dutiful guest that she was, absent-mindlessly stroking her knife. Or so it appeared to be absent-minded. To anyone watching she just seemed in her own world, not really paying attention to the conversation that was slowly brewing among the other guests. But to anyone who knew her, and knew her well, they would have quickly whisked the knife away as it was a subtle sign of the storm that was beginning to brew inside of her "world."
It was more talk of the "Shidduch Crisis" that was disturbing her. Again and again, she heard the same conversation about how to fix the "problems" and who was being "affected". Everyone had some brilliant plan to fix the problem, what the Rabbis should be doing, how the girls should approach the "parsha" and how the boys are mistaken in their thinking.
To her, it was becoming a boring topic to be involved in, so instead she sat quietly, stroking her knife, hoping no one would ask her her take on the whole "maayseh". Her parents would be disappointed to hear that she found the whole process to be intriguing, almost exciting, and she couldn't wait for her time. Her siblings would be ashamed to hear that she had fallen into the trap of the current Orthodox society. Her friends, though not present, would have been nodding in her sympathies, agreeing whole heartedly that she was on the right track.
Truth be told, she did think three-dates-to-engaged was a bit fast, but add a few more to that, several hours of talking and the mutual agreement of wanting to build a similar home, uphold a matching lifestyle, and she was sold. The allure of going on a date, talking late into the night, walking in a not-so-secluded place by moonlight seemed like a pleasant way to meet her husband. She wasn't interested in the college dating scene which would involve more drinking than anything and single mixers just seemed like she would be a prize at an auction... all the interested bidders just walking around, eying the merchandise carefully. She was not interested.
Was it so wrong of her to think that there was a way that someone could find her a suitable husband, one person to another, without having to go through crowds of boys? Unrealistic expectations perhaps, but to avoid the crowds was much more appealing. Maybe she wouldn't find her bashert on the first (or second...) guy, but that didn't mean she wanted to drop the whole idea of Shidduch dating.
And so she sat, her own ideas about the whole process, her own hopes and dreams swirling above her head as she blocked out the conversation at the table.
Her knife was now warm on her fingers. Gingerly, she picked it up to cut her now-cold chicken. It fell apart quickly beneath her knife... and soon, so much else would begin to do the same.

The Preciousness of Time and the Year to Come

In less than 24 hours we will stand before the Melech Malchai HaMilachim as He determines whether we are worthy of another Rosh Hashana in His world... Perhaps He thinks it's time for an upgrade and we just don't fit the bill... maybe He thinks we squandered away too much of His precious gift of time and we don't deserve more... Maybe... Maybe....
But maybe, He thinks we are trying as hard as we can and we deserve another chance.... maybe He so desperately wants to write us down for life and we just need to push, pray and beg from the depths of our souls for this chance.
Maybe...
It's almost Rosh Hashana... Yom HaDin... we are being judged by the only being whose opinion matters.
Will He judge us for good?
And if He does, with the time we are given, will we strive to fulfill His will?
There are 8600 seconds in a day. 8600 chances to do great things. In EVERY SECOND of the day we can perform a mitzva... simply by accepting Ol Malchus Shamayim.... simply by saying I LOVE HASHEM with our whole heart, our entire being. The Six Constant Mitzvos may seem simple and unimpressive compared to all the grander chesed we can perform but moments before Rosh Hashana, those six mitzos can mean the difference between life and death. It can mean another year.. or not.
Another year IYH will greet us all. Will we rise to the occassion and serve Hashem as best we can? Will we love Hashem with our entire being and fulfill His mitzvos? Or will we ask Hashem "Zachreinu L'Chaim" simply because it sounds better than the alternative?

Tomorrow is the last day of 5770. Take the time, however much or little you can give and do a chesed, a mitzva. The positive things you do tomorrow will stand by you forever. When you go up to the Final Court, after 120 years, the good things you did today and tomorrow will stick like glue to you. They will defend you. And perhaps doing a chesed tomorrow may involve some discomfort. But is a few minutes, or maybe an hour of discomfort in this world worth more than FOREVER in the next world? Or is a few moments of sin worth giving up Olam Haba?

Time... however much we were given we must utilize to the fullest. For Hashem. For others. For giving reason to give us life.

And when you stand before Hashem will you be able to show Him you deserve more time?

Tomorrow... Yom HaDin... I'm not perfect. I know it. I have wasted time, let time pass without doing something with it... But I know that I will do my best to utilize it to the fullest should I be granted more.

Hashem... Zachreinu L'Chaim.... V'Chasveinu L'Chaim....

Kesiva V'Chasima Tova to all. May this coming year be one of bracha, hatzlacha, parnasa, yeshusha and simcha for all of Klal Yisroel

(Based on a speech by R' S., R' Wallerstein)

Introspection and the Fourth Conversation

I hope you know
That the time has come
To review
All that has been done
A year of choices
And chances you took
Now you must take a moment
To review and look.
Have you grown
And changed this year?
Have you become
Farther or near?
Did you change
How you speak?
And remember the honor the Shabbos
As it comes each week?
Have you been a better friend to all
And to distant relatives
Did you remember to call?
Do your actions differ
From a year ago
Are you different
Did you discover something new you didn't know?
Do people call to you
When they find themselves in need?
Are you someone who can be relied upon
To fulfill and complete a deed?
Are you beloved by all
Or just tolerated by most
Do you walk around haughty
And think you have what to boast?
Are you slipping and tripping
Falling where you stand
And simply replying
"I'm unable, I can't."
Are you prepared to stand before your Creator
With all your actions laid bare?
Do you realize the severity,
Do you even care?

Conversation 4

We're back at this again?
I guess so.
Do you even care anymore?
Not sure I do... it doesn't seem wrong. If it did, then maybe I would have a problem.
You have been very desensitized.
Probably.
It's a little sad to see you like this.
Well, it's a little sad that I am talking to you, don't you think?
Who should you be talking to?
Anyone besides you.
Ouch.
You know it's true.
You're right. So what are you gonna do?
Go away. I'm sick of you.
That won't change anything. You are sick of yourself.
Hmph.
Have a good night...

Sometimes you have to say no...

But sometimes you can't.

I Keep Dreaming

How in the world
Can I sit here listening
When my thoughts of you
Are endless and glistening?

They dance across my mind
And beg me to go
Yet I am stuck here
Til the months past so slow

Going from giving everything
To nothing at all
Leaves a person feeling like they're at the edge
Treacherous to fall

Emptiness fills the spaces
That were once occupied by what I did for you
All those things were hard, yes
But I loved doing what I do

I keep dreaming
And my mind drifts away
Back to the place
Where I spent my happiest days

I just want to go back
To your rolling green grass and endless blue sky
Where music was always playing
And I felt on a constant high

Just let me come back
My heart aches to see you again
Cuz though I left
It was never really the end

I keep dreaming
Just dreaming, thinking on and on
About when we'll be back again
And you won't be gone...

Brick wall

Empty space

Thin lines

Tiny scratches

Cross outs

Not listening

Eyes closed

A faint song

Gentle reminder

A whisper

A shout

Yelling

Brave attempt

Talking

Talking

Above this

Past that

Still a kid

Forget

The Place Where My Heart Stand Stills

Here I stand

At the place where my heart stops beating

I catch my breath for a moment

And feel the rush of the wind

The shining sun.

For a moment

Peace reigns

In heaven on earth.

Safety surrounds

There is no bad here

Bliss, joy, protection

And love.

It is here

That my heart stand stills.

I think of you

Those who make my heart melt

And give me the strength to keep going

When I can't

You're courage

Is empowering.


I dream of you
Your paved roads
And radiant smiles.
There is something safe in knowing
That you are able to smile
When all the odds are against you
And that makes me realize
That things aren't so bad.


And when I am feeling down
Needed a boost to go forth
I'll think of you
And how you're thinking of this same place
And then everything will somehow be ok

Wake Up Call

What a way to start a morning
Just as I am getting out of bed
To hear some awful news
Come striking at my head

Not everyday can be like one in Wonderland
Where everything is safe and sound
And there isn't any sadness
In the air, none to be found

Real life comes hitting heavy
Not leaving a second to inhale
You don't get a chance to breathe
Or risk stopping and falling to fail

So I woke up this morning
Ready to start my day on the right side
And now I would like nothing more
Than to go back to sleep and hide...

Hashem, You run this world with such precision it's impossible to see the wonders of what You do... but some small understanding of why these things happen would be appreciated. I don't question You. You know everything that I don't... I just want to know why..

Camp Simcha Girls- March of Hope

Camp Simcha does it again...

Unbelievable

So it's been a while... a lot has happened since my last post... but I wanted to share something short and sweet with you.

I am in Camp Simcha right now (my second home). Today I spent some time with my rotating camper in the art room. I was a bit tired and overwhelmed but it was rather therapeutic sitting with her... She's sorta incredible. She was very involved in making a necklace-- blue beaded pattern. It was very elegant and suited her well.
But her creativity isn't what's so amazing about her... what's so amazing is that she is so creative... and she's blind.
And with incredible patience, she strung her beads, five seed beads, a light blue bead, five seed beads, a light blue bead, five seed beads, a blue glass bead, five seed beads.... for an hour she was at it... and let me say it again-- she's blind...

What's more amazing than that...

Rachelli Round Up

So it's been a bit...
Where am I now...

Life is pretty crazy...

You think you are doing ok... everything is fine... you're smiling...

Then... worlds crumble... and you want it all to end...

But somehow, that ray of sunshine bursts forth... and you move on...

A few bleeding, burned, and bruised body parts, extreme lack of sleep, uber amounts of food... adorable kids, tons of dancing....

It's magic

Back to WONDERLAND!

I can't sit.
I can't breathe.
I AM SO EXCITED!
Not sure if this means a blogging hiatus but I AM OFF TO WONDERLAND! So I might or might not be blogging but you can still read about all the action here @ www.campsimcha.org/blog
And be sure to check out the video from New York and spread it!


Muchos ahava,
RD

It's A Mime's World

Sitting on the edge
Just a stranger staring in
Am I in this world
To succumb or to win?

My world painted
In black and white
No colors to shine
No expressions to delight

Just an observer
Watching the crowd pass by
No one bothers to notice
Acknowledge or say hi

So relentlessly I try
To make my presence known
With a show, so distinct
And all my own

Hands held in front
Submission, I portray
Perhaps surrendering
To take away the gray

Around and around
I pull myself in this slow dance
With slow movements
I feel stuck in this sick trance

I stand before the audience
Who don't notice or see
Am I really so invisible?
Am I really stuck in this reality?

I try
In my own silent way
To prove my existence
But no one notices, to my dismay

I pucker my lips
And cross my arms
Sit down and pout
But can't raise the alarms

Just silence, silence
Sweet silence, precious quiet
While inside burns
A raging riot

But ne'er shall I speak
The thoughts on my mind
They are things that people
Would rather not find

The twisting maze
With no way out
The screaming voices
With no way to silence their shouts

The grabbing hands
That reached for what isn't there
An answer to a question
So simple and clear

Black and white.
Separate and distinct
But in my world
Nothing is that concrete

It's all confusion
All a mess
And still I try
To do my very best

Why Are You Throwing Yourself Down a Staircase?

Over at Inspirational Information, Devorah wrote this post about not giving up when mitzvos are in front of you. Though you may have missed one, it doesn't mean you have to continue missing them.
At a school Shabbaton, speaker Chevi Garfinkel, took what I think to be a different approach on this theme. She explained that when you are caught in a sin, whether it be stealing chocolate from the pantry or engaging in something more sinister, and you think you can't break out of it, you can! Simply continuing those sinful, harmful and painful acts is like throwing yourself down a staircase!
Ok, I get it.
You try it once, and dive down a flight of stairs. Wow! That was fun! Only a few bruises and broken finger. let's try it again!
Not!
That's just ridiculous! If a friend told you she was doing that, you would think she is crazy! Yet... maybe you do that sorta of thing --throwing yourself down staircases-- in your own life, in the figurative sense... giving into human desires, succumbing to the Yetzer Hara and just following his twisted will again and again and again... and you know it's wrong but you keep giving in.
If you have been following my posts entitled Conversation 1, 2, and 3, you can see my struggle, albeit in a vague way. If you haven't picked up on it yet, that's my inner conversation with the Yetzer Hara (Evil Inclination). Lately, I have felt like I have been throwing myself down a staircase. I just thought, "Hey, why not?" and kept doing it.  Not smart. Though it wasn't real, I was still in pain. And now I am trying to mend my broken body... well, my soul. I did some damage but I am going to fix it.
So now, look at yourself... have you been throwing yourself down a staircase? Now is the time to pick yourself up and resolve to climb those steps instead of crashing down them. I wish you all the best. I'll see you at the top soon...

Thoughts from a Theme Park

Oh my goodness... Was it really necessary to drive the three hours to get here? I'm sure the kids could have had a good time sitting at home with paper and crayons coloring without all the hassles of loading the car, packing food, diapers, entertainment, Tatty's sefarim so he isn't bittul torah... etcetera... the list goes on and on. And anyhow, I am expecting! Standing in the heat, yelling at the kids to not run off cannot be good for me... and I am SO hungry. Yitz said we would go the kosher stand but I am so not in the mood for overpriced greasy chicken nuggets. Yitz doesn't care. Deep fried and meat are two of his favorite food groups. Oh well. Maybe they have a salad or something.
Oh look! Tehilla loves the merry-go-round. And aw, Dovi is being such a good big brother holding on to her. I must snap a picture of this for Bubby and Zeidy. They rarely get to see the kids so they love when we send them pictures. 
Uch, Rivky is crying again. It's too loud for her here. Maybe if I take her on the lazy river she'll calm down a bit. Ok, I'll tell Yitz.


Aaaah, this is so peaceful! And Rivky is so calm! Yitz was such a mensch to take the other kids to the spinning rides. Those ones always made me nauseous. But this one is so pleasant. Hehe, Rivky loves looking in the water to find fish. Maybe I'll get her one as a present for being so well-behaved. Over already? All right... dinner time.


Yum... the stench of deepfried cheap meat. At least Yitz is enjoying himself... even if he isn't poring over his sefer. And Dovi and Tehilla are loving the finger food. Rivky is totally wiped in her stroller...


Well, I won't lie. Today was a tough day. We almost didn't come but I am glad we did. One day, down the road, my kids are gonna look back and remember and cherish this day... I am glad I can give them such experiences.... even if theme parks make me nauseous.

Conversation 3

So, we meet again.
Yea, you can do a victory dance if you want.
Hardly. I think you should be doing one. That must have been a hard decision.
It was... but I wasn't doing so well before.
True... but you wanted to change. And you did. I am proud.
But you scored points!
I did... but you are gonna win, I know it.
Why do you have so much faith in me?
Because... you have faith in yourself... you need to see that.
Thanks for believing in me... I'm having a hard time doing that...
You'll see. You'll be ok.

Waving Flags

I posted previously about Camp Simcha's trip to New York and their fabulous dance routine in Times Sqaure. Now, check out the JUST RELEASED music video! It's AMAZING!

Hey You

Hey you over there
The cool blue eyes
And waving hair
In the summer breeze
You found yourself in the bright sunlight
But lost your soul in the reckless nights
Of wandering and trying to find
Who you really are.

I see you
Smiling in the camera's flash
And puckering your lips
Because every situation
Is a photo-op
If you hold up your hands for peace
And the sparkle in your eyes
Last for a second.

Surrounded by a crowd
Of adoring fans and friends
You thrive on the attention
And flash a grin
That satisfies those who follow
Your every word
And lust for your hand and heart

But you
Do you care for yourself?
You have fallen prey
To the glitz and glamor
Of rebellion
It taunts and teases
And you willingly give in
When will you
Find yourself?

The Magic Comes to New York

If I had any words for this post, I would write them. But I don't. Here's why....

Camp Simcha is truly magical. The work they do, the love they show, the joy they share is truly incredible. Lives changed that day. I guarantee it.

Conversation 2

I'm baaaack
You know, you get more and more irritating each time we talk
That's only because you know I'm right.
And I'm weak, right?
No... just confused...
And you're here to clear things up?
Sure! You can think of it that way.
Grrr...
Now now, use your words.
You keep coming around, messing with my head, and that clears things up?
Well, you get a better idea about how to deal with your situations.
But I keep stumbling...  
It happens... at least you recognize that... you can use that to make better choices.
It's so hard... I want to give in... It's SO tempting.
Isn't that why you feel so much better when you resist?
I guess so... but.. I would love to give in... that false comfort is so alluring.
It always is... I do a good job of making bad things look good... attractive... tempting... all the things you want but know better than to indulge in.
You really are quite cruel...
But... if not for me, you certainly wouldn't be such a strong person.
If not for you I wouldn't have such moral dilemmas.
I know... I'm crafty like that. But enough about me.... how are you going to deal with this? I don't want you to have to keep coming back to me... You don't enjoy it which makes me not enjoy it.
I don't know... I did something actively... then regressed... and now I feel like I am torn in two directions.
You better pick one fast. You're heart... you're SOUL, can't deal with the tug of war you are being pulled between.
I know... I feel it... It hurts...
Well. Get to work. I suppose we will be speaking soon.
I guess so. Uch.

Hold Close

Hold me close
This is where I am safest
In your arms.

The world out there
Is so scary
And dark.

Filled with lies
I just want an ounce of truth
Can it be found?

Do friends become enemies
Over a single mistake?
Is this how it has to be?

I wonder
If beyond this pain
There is a light to be found

I search for answers
Yet they are only found
Next to you

So hold me close
I wish to see
The brilliance of your world

Conversation 1

You must be kidding me
I know, I know
No, seriously, I played you once, but twice?
Try like five million times
True, but you know better
But you are so strong
You've won me before
So this time I gave in
Why?
Because... the pull was too strong to resist
Try again
Because I liked feeling in control
Fair enough, but do you really feel in control?
No...
So then what do you need to do?
Figure out what's the right thing to do
And how do you do that?
Stop talking to you and actually do something.
Smart thinking. Hatzlacha.

If Only...

After reading this post on Inspirational Information, I really found the message of Tisha B'Av hitting home...

I went to a bookstore today to get an Eicha/Kinnos sefer for Tisha B'Av... a book that is only used one day out of the year... and this should be the last time I have to use it... yet, in a sense, I should be sobbing copious tears over it every day. Tisha B'Av is one day to remember thousands of years of pain and suffering and in order to understand that I spent $15.99? Shouldn't the understanding of a nation's grief and sorrow be something innately known to me? I should have Eicha committed to memory. I should know the lamentations of my own people by heart... and it should be constant in my heart and soul... yet... it's not... It scarcely crosses my mind because of how distant I am from it. In a previous post I wrote about what happens when we become closer to something... it becomes twisted in our minds, more real, yet we see its flaw... But when we are farther from something, we see it in a different light. It becomes perfect in our minds... and nothing is perfect except for the Bais Hamikdash... How lucky we would be if we could see it, up close and personal and finally understand the meaning of perfection...

My mind is whirling when I think about the Churban, the tragedies of our people... I don't understand it. I could never comprehend the pain, the soul wrenching pain that was inflicted onto the greatest Tzadikim of our people... Baruch Hashem, I live a comfortable life... but because of that, I don't yearn for the Bayis like I should...

But I tell myself, over and over, I would hop on a plane right now if I could. Even in my sweaty gym clothes, I would fly to Eretz Yisroel, just to breathe in the kedusha... if Moshich would come this second, I would run... but His coming isn't always on my mind...

This Tisha B'Av should be the last...

Just Keep Swimming

Have you ever watched a child swim,
Diving deep beneath the water's brim?
Have you seen their joy as they find themselves weight-free
And their expression reads, "Can this really be?"

With each stroke and kick, a little farther they go
For all who watch, they see a fabulous show
Of a child realizing their own strength and might
And their pure innocence is rare beam of light

Now imagine a child who has never experienced moving on their own
They cannot function or do anything alone
Constant care surrounds them each day
And to act on their own, there is no way

In their bodies, like prisoners they remain
Though in their mind, they are one hundred percent sane
They see the world through saddened eyes
Cuz hardly anyone notices to realize

But here they come to place
Where everyone delights to see their face
Ablaze with happiness and ecstasy
And for a time, they are in a fantastical reality.

So when they enter the waters wave
To their own body they are no longer a slave
To you and me, this isn't so incredible or great
But for these kids, there is no better feeling, then standing up straight

What is Wonderland?

"There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder..."


So I have been blogging about Wonderland for a while... No, I didn't take a trip to the land of bunnies and evil queens. 


I went to Camp Simcha.


For those of you who don't know, Camp Simcha is a camp for kids with debilitating chronic conditions and kids battling cancer. Camp Simcha and Camp Simcha Special with separate sessions for boys and girls provides two weeks of of relief, fun, and pure joy like no other place in the world. (Check out their brand new website www.campsimcha.org)


And while my job was behind the scenes and difficult, I still saw the true fantasy that comes to life for a summer there. The never ending smiles, the singing, the shows, the love and the happiness.


Just being there, the gorgeous grounds is enough to put someone on a high. Then the kids came. The rush, the explosion of welcome, was intense, yet powerful. When the kids came off the bus, their lives were changed. 


I went for Camp Simcha Special. The girls in that session have been the way they come to camp since birth. Wheelchairs, walkers, braces... feeding tubes, g-tube... nebulizers... the whole nine yards. And for two weeks, brave young ladies take these children into their hands and care for them. For some, it's easier. For others, it's hard. They go on call for 24 hours... simply to provide life in Wonderland. Imagine if.... imagine if every place was like this one... 


I came home a few days ago and the memories are cemented into my mind. I don't think I will ever leave that place. And I can't wait to go back...

Return from Wonderland

Coming down from a high is always hard. There is the separation, the sadness, the trying to make it by and then, there is acceptance.
I came home from camp yesterday. Not just camp. I cam home from Wonderland. And I can't wait to go back. 26 days... only 26 days...
While I was there, the head counselor described our time there as, "The longest days, and the the shortest weeks." I hope that I will feel the same way while I am home waiting to return.
I could use about 50 posts to describe the beauty of this Wonderland.... It was a place where dreams came true, pain was forgotten and saddened spirits were uplifted. It was heaven on earth. It was a land of make believe... Imagine if we lived there all year long...

The closer we come to something, the easier it is to see its flaws. From far away, a painting can look stunning and whole, but the closer you come, every mistake and error in each swish of the brush becomes clear and apparent, and suddenly, the beautiful painting becomes merely plain.

How can we still keep in our minds that beautiful image? It takes work and effort to remember the design before we saw its mistakes. Yet, even though its flawed, it doesn't take away its beauty. It simply makes it more real.