If Only...

After reading this post on Inspirational Information, I really found the message of Tisha B'Av hitting home...

I went to a bookstore today to get an Eicha/Kinnos sefer for Tisha B'Av... a book that is only used one day out of the year... and this should be the last time I have to use it... yet, in a sense, I should be sobbing copious tears over it every day. Tisha B'Av is one day to remember thousands of years of pain and suffering and in order to understand that I spent $15.99? Shouldn't the understanding of a nation's grief and sorrow be something innately known to me? I should have Eicha committed to memory. I should know the lamentations of my own people by heart... and it should be constant in my heart and soul... yet... it's not... It scarcely crosses my mind because of how distant I am from it. In a previous post I wrote about what happens when we become closer to something... it becomes twisted in our minds, more real, yet we see its flaw... But when we are farther from something, we see it in a different light. It becomes perfect in our minds... and nothing is perfect except for the Bais Hamikdash... How lucky we would be if we could see it, up close and personal and finally understand the meaning of perfection...

My mind is whirling when I think about the Churban, the tragedies of our people... I don't understand it. I could never comprehend the pain, the soul wrenching pain that was inflicted onto the greatest Tzadikim of our people... Baruch Hashem, I live a comfortable life... but because of that, I don't yearn for the Bayis like I should...

But I tell myself, over and over, I would hop on a plane right now if I could. Even in my sweaty gym clothes, I would fly to Eretz Yisroel, just to breathe in the kedusha... if Moshich would come this second, I would run... but His coming isn't always on my mind...

This Tisha B'Av should be the last...