Monday, November 15, 2010

You May Not Hear It.... But Your Soul Speaks

As a Baby…
Here I am, ripped from my heavenly abode to dwell for an unknown length of time in this base, mundane body… my Father sent me here for a mission, a purpose, to fulfill His will. How I wish I never left… This squirming, helpless body feels so tight. I’m so uncomfortable. How long must I exist in this selfish, taking body? Hashem… I long to serve you…

As a Child…   
It’s been twelve years… My Guf is now obligated to keep all of Torah and Mitzvos. Now her seichel must play it’s role in helping her make the right decisions. Finally, my dream is coming true! Now I will daven to Hashem, learn His Torah and come close to Him!
Oh no… where is she going? What are those images? These sounds? Why is it so dark? I feel so sick… A movie? Hashem… what is this?

As a Teenager…
She’s changing… I feel it. I heard the words of the holy Rabbi, a Guf that totally embodies Ratzon Hashem—his Ohr is brilliant. I feel so warm when he is around. And she has taken to heart his words. I haven’t heard those low, disgusting excuses for music in several weeks. I am soaking in the words of Torah, Hashkafah and Mussar from the Sefarim she has delved so deep into. Hashem, I finally feel close to you again. Yes, it’s like looking through a window… until I return to You, there will always be something blocking me, but at least now I can see You and at times… I can hear You.

As a Young Adult…
No… where is she taking me? What happened to the sweet songs of Torah and Tehillem she used to listen to? What is this noise? Hashem, it huts! With each beat, I feel like I am being beaten. Every song, another bruise… every show, another cut, because those images will leave scars…. Please… make it stop! I can’t bear it anymore! She has completely removed my advocate, The Yetzer Tov. How I long to hear him fighting, coaxing and urging on my behalf. Now I only hear him. The Yetzer Hara. He is so loud, so dominating. Hashem…. Take me back… let me return to you… this pain is unbearable…. And who are these strangers she is spilling her secrets, her feelings and emotions too? They are connected to me and they should not be revealed so lightly! Why is she exposing the depths of herself? They are not worthy! This is not how it’s meant to be…. Oh… this is so painful… Hashem… she doesn’t call to You anymore. Can You even hear me anymore? Have I become so minimized in her life that even You don’t hear my desperate pleas? Can You help me anymore? Am I alone? I feel so cold… I miss the warmth…

As an Adult…
Hashem, I am so joyous! Baruch Shem K’vod Malchuso L’Olam Va’ed! Mazel Tov! Finally, I have found my partner in this world. I feel so safe now. This glowing Chupahis a canopy of Your love for us. She looks so beautiful… Her Chosson is such an upstanding Ehrliche Yid. Those dark months are behind us and now we can move forward living a life of Torah, together with him… and together with You…

5 comments:

  1. So beautiful...and well written...love this one!

    Reminds me of the song Neshomela by Abie Rottenberg...

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  2. :) Sorta the inspiration for it... I just wanted a different look at it...

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  3. Nice...

    However..I remember thinking the same as a youngster...but life just begins when you get married and you get a whole new set of stages..

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  4. It's true... having not quite been there yet, I can't really write on it... Technically, I probably could... Part II...

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  5. this is beautiful. wow rachelli you really express things soo poignantly through words! inspiring..

    ReplyDelete

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