The Shidduch Crisis... Correct Me If I'm Wrong

Earlier this year, I went to an event organized by some ladies in my community. It was called "Meet the Shadchan" and was meant to give the single girls in my community an opportunity to meet out-of-town shadchanim, as well as local shadchanim. Being naive and optimistic, I went. I dressed up, printed out my resume and picture  (only for the Shadchan's eyes, of course) and headed off to meet the shadchan (read: meat market). It was kind of fun in a way-- seeing all my friends in one night. Obviously so, we were all feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable. I met with two out of town shadchanim and a few locals. I left feeling excited because someone had also mentioned my name in association with a local boy. So yea, I felt great. And ten months later, they arranged a second event. In the time between the first and second event, I did not hear from a single shadchan. Not. One. Single. Shadchan. I sent emails with updated resumes and pictures. I did what I was supposed to do and I did not hear anything. Not "Oh, thanks for getting in touch" or "we are thinking of you." NOTHING. So when this second event rolled around I was completely less than enthusiastic. I have definitely changed in ten months. My perspectives on the shidduch system have become a little darker, a little less optimistic. Now, I can't complain. I am young compared to others. I am not at the point of desperation or thinking of "settling." But I am upset.

So I didn't want to go. But, after some convincing, I paid my dues, and went to the event. It was just as awful. And it was worse because this time I could see how flawed it was. Tens of girls were lined up, looking DROP DEAD GORGEOUS in Shabbos clothes, heels, makeup and jewelry to the nines. To meet the SHADCHAN! It felt like something straight out Mulan... off to meet the matchmaker, minus the synchronized song and dance. And it just felt wrong. I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to put on a good show. I was chewing gum, wearing my double-sided studs, no heels and did not take off my coat. I was told off by one of the event planners to throw out my gum. I left on my coat. I met with one out of town shadchan who hardly looked at me and one other Rav who seemed genuinely interested. But so far, no calls, no email.s

Now why do I think this event is wrong?

First of all, a five minute conversation is not enough time. These shadchanim could care less. They get paid to come so its worth their while. 

Two, why are we dressing so nicely like we are prancing down a runway? We aren't marrying the Shadchan!

Three, WHERE ARE THE BOYS?! Let's get real people- if you want to make shidduchim, stop looking at the paper. Yes, checking out backgrounds and hashkafos is important, but I bet if you put the boys and girls in the same room FOR TACHLIS you would have a better chance of making a shidduch than a five minute interview and paper filed away for later reference.

Another thing-- where are the local shadchanim? I noticed there was an important (or two) local shadchan who was missing on the scene, a shadchan with a monopoly on a group of boys.

Like I said- I can't complain. I am young, I am still picky about who is redt to me, and BH I have a lot going for me so dating would be nice, but I am not forlorn or desperate. But it bothers me INTENSELY to see a room filled with beautiful girls INSIDE AND OUT, girls who I personally can attest to their maalos and kochos, having to hawk themselves to a market of buyers who just file them away.

Now you might say, putting the boys and girls in the same room would be the same thing, because everyone is just seeing the outside, how they look and what they are wearing, and I get that. I do. But this system, this meeting the shadchan, is unnatural. Strangers coming in to inspect our girls? Do they actually care? If you don't fit their "type" then forget it. 

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just bitter and jaded (and I haven't been dating for so long) but it's gotten personal. It's gotten personal when my close friends are struggling because they have been written off as not good enough. When my good friends are rejected because they aren't a size 0 and well off. When incredible girls are struggling because the shadchan doesn't like how they look. And a billion other reasons.

I don't have a solution. I don't have an answer. I have my own silent pain and rage. I have my own tears and frustration over all the boys who I have loved and lost. I have anger. And so maybe that's why the shadchanim don't call.

Can It Still Be Tuesday?

With the winding down of my semester and the winding up of vacation, I have been lax in my Tuesday Tunes. But since Chanukah still extends until the sunsets tomorrow, I wanted to share a few Chanukah songs and videos that really lit up my Chag.

In no particular order...

Erez Cohen, "Candles (Light It Up")

The Maccabeats, "All About That Neis"

StandFour, "Eight Nights"

The Maccabeats, "Burn"

Six13, "Chanukah (Shake It Off Parody)"

A side note: Chanukah is one of those holidays that brings even the most irreligious back to their roots. There is something about the holiday season that resonates with us all. The family The sentiment of triumph. There are so many themes that people can connect to. This is why these songs are so popular, so catchy and so feel good. But in my journey to self (which was rather halted by school) I found that the lesson of light is the ability to find it within yourself. It is not about the darkness of the world- the enemies that try to bring us down. Yes, they exist, but their power comes from us. When we are strong, they are weak. So while Chanukah is all feel good and Sameach, I think it is a Chag that involves deep reflections and introspection. I am late on sharing this, and perhaps in even recognizing it myself, but it's late, my mind is spinning and I want to hold on to the light, that inner light, just a little bit longer.

A Freilichen Chanukah!

Tuesday Tunes

Wow, two weeks in a row! And lucky for you, if you haven't hear about this band, then you are in for a treat...

Continuing on the trend of Neo-Chassidus and its more mind-soul connection, I present to you "Zusha." I discovered Zusha a few weeks ago and have been mesmerized ever since.

You can find their music here: https://www.youtube.com/user/zushamusic/feed

Zusha is a group of three guys whose goal is to connect to Yiddishkeit through simplistic songs, often with just a few words and a lot of niggun. There is something so pure in their music. It stirs up questions. It makes you think.

As I write this, I am listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxF8LZ0H17s and through the progression, the chords and simple chanting, I find myself trying to discover the story buried within the song. It's the kind of music that begs you to think deeply. It isn't the usual head banging, voice altered, techno crazy music we are so used to hearing. It is soulful. Thoughtful.

While mainstream Orthodox Jews don't lean towards this kind of music-- the kind of music that best suits a kumzitz-- it is the kind of music that more people should listen to. It speaks to your soul.

What I really appreciate about Zusha is while their music is simple, they also share their thoughts on their site.

Like this one:

The wise men write - that everything in creation (including you and I) can be found in the first word of the torah, "Bereisheet"- 'in the beginning'
One idea from this word. Beis (the first letter, 'two') + Reisheet ('beginning') = Two beginnings. 
Every day, and more specifically every moment, we are given a choice. 
Two ways to think. Two ways to speak. Two ways to act. 
May we be blessed to always choose life, growth, and positivity. 
-zush

 

So simple, yet so profound. Go check them out.

Take Me Home

Take me home

Take me back to the labyrinth-like streets

Let me once again rest my eyes

On the colorful characters

And devout souls

Living higher than life itself

I am waiting patiently

Til I can board a bus to anywhere

Where every ride feels like

The first one I took

Where the speeding cars

And clear skies

Told me that I am home

I'm sitting in darkness

While I wait for the light

I'm living in night

But you're my new day

So here I sit waiting

Wanting

Wishing

But deep down

I know the truth

I need to return

I need to come home.

In Everything I See

I wake up 

And I look for you

I go to sleep

And dream of you

I wait for your arrival

And search for your existence

I have been wandering down roads

And making choices with uncertainty

I write with the hope

That I will find clarity

I feel in every moment

For your presence

And in every moment

You are present

I know that it is a gift

To recognize you

To know that I am not alone

That there are answers

To the questions that concern me

And to the questions I don't dare ask

People ask how I cope

But it simply through my hope

My belief and faith

That there is a higher being

Or else

All the pain

All the promises

Would have not point

If not part of some divine plan

That I too limited to understand

In everything I see

In everything I do

In everything I feel

I know that there is nothing

Nothing more real

Than the truth of you

Torn Apart

And it hurt like hell to be torn apart....

There has been something I have been battling with for four years. A force stronger than me, more mighty and powerful. It's hard to go into details without creating some sort of expose which while it is something I want to do, it is something that would rattle the world.

It hurts like hell when you invest your heart and soul into something, only to be turned on stepped on, and disregarded.

I just cannot adequately explain because it means throwing so many people under the bus. It means unleashing four years of frustration and pain. It means letting the world see the dark colors of something that is meant to be so bright.

It hurts like hell.

It kept me awake at night for a year. It drove me to make rash decisions. It made me question almost everything I believe in. And its happened again. Its happening always.

It hurts like hell.

Tuesday Tunes

Finally, I remember! (It is Tuesday, right?)

As of late, I have found myself on a quest of sorts. A journey to discovering myself. Yes, that is what life is inherently about, but I am trying to be actively cognizant of myself spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Mindfulness.

An important part of this journey is the music I listen to along the way. So I have decided to try and feature a different artist that I really resonate with on Tuesdays. (Let's see how long this last...)

Today's artist is Omek Hadavar.

Omek Hadavar is Hebrew for The Depth of the Matter, as the album art indicates. Their second album, Mekor HaChaim is "The Essence of Life"

I am constantly searching for music with meaning and passion. I have found that the simplicity in their music really stirs up emotions that I sometimes let lie.

"Hariyu" in particular is one of my favorites. What I feel is so powerful in this song is that in calling out to Hashem, we are not limited by how we can do this. Sing. Play an instrument. Trumpets, horns, shouting! Hashem hears us, no matter how we reach out to him. We can sing, we can paint. In my understanding, connecting to G-d is not limited by one road or system.

ד  הָרִיעוּ לַיהוָה, כָּל-הָאָרֶץ;    פִּצְחוּ וְרַנְּנוּ וְזַמֵּרוּ.	4 Shout unto the LORD, all the earth; break forth and sing for joy, yea, sing praises.
ה  זַמְּרוּ לַיהוָה בְּכִנּוֹר;    בְּכִנּוֹר, וְקוֹל זִמְרָה.	5 Sing praises unto the LORD with the harp; with the harp and the voice of melody.
ו  בַּחֲצֹצְרוֹת, וְקוֹל שׁוֹפָר--    הָרִיעוּ, לִפְנֵי הַמֶּלֶךְ יְהוָה.	6 With trumpets and sound of the horn shout ye before the King, the LORD.

I think in today's world, we are pressured to conform to one way of serving G-d. People think that the community with which you identify with is the way to connect with Hashem. It is unfortunate to see how a relationship with G-d becomes defined by the shul you daven at, the school you attend or the Rabbi you follow. 

The Jewish Action featured an article this month about the movement of Neo Hassidism. I have observed and heard from many of the individuals quotes in the article, but in the theme of this post, a particular quote stood out to me:

...defines neo-Chassidus as "people trying to live Yiddishkeit from the inside out, to live more deeply and fully . . . . People today are refusing to be put into boxes. God is One, and His truth can be refracted in many different ways."

Judaism is a prism. The light of G-d shines through one side, His pure undeniable truth. As the light shines through, it emerges as a spectrum of light, color and expression. Judaism is a beautiful thing to behold and is not observed in only one way. But, there is a understanding that without a firm foundation in Yiddishkeit through Halacha and text, the light can be warped. We must refract into through pure methods. The light shines through a prism... that prism are the leaders that guide us on our journey. 

So how does this all connect? There are those who are inspired to connect with G-d through raw Halacha and text. And then there are those who seek passion. They want music and passion. I feel that Omek Hadavar is one of those conduits towards a relationship with G-d that surpasses textual structures and allows us to strengthen our emotional connection with G-d.

Stay tuned...

The F Word

I refuse

To let it be heard

That horrid words

That makes the innocent cringe

And the perfect puddle on the floor

No one wants to hear

That four letter word

That instills failure

And fear

Cuz it means

We have done nothing right

But we all have it within us

There is no way to escape

I could choke it

Drown it

Four letters

Four

Insignificant letters

With more power

And more potential

To make a change

We hear it

And we want to be more

We hear it

And we want to be different

If I heard those four letters

That little F word

I would surely change my ways

There is no law

As definite and dynamic

As the F word

Flaw.

Giving Thanks

Since I will be traveling tomorrow and spending thanksgiving with a friend, I wanted to share some of the things I am thankful for... In the spirit of the holiday...

1. Three weeks from today I will finish my first semester of graduate. I am not sure what I was thinking in taking five classes, working part time and volunteering, but I am grateful that I am almost done with what I think will be my hardest semester.

2. In three weeks from today I will meet my new nephew. The little guy lives across the country and is almost a month old, so I am glad I get to see him.

3. I received an email today about my latest volunteer placement which will hopefully positively contribute to my experience as I move forward in my graduate program toward my career.

4. Coffee. Always. Plus, I have a free drink on my Starbucks card which will be awesome when I travel tomorrow.

5. Friends who check in even though I know they are busy.

6. My rabbi who has supported me for almost four years and continues to encourage me and listen to me when I rant, kvetch and yell.

7. Thinkthin bars. My latest obsession. And today I found cookies and cream and espresso flavors!

8. A job that is flexible with my work schedule. A co worker who supplements my paycheck with chocolate. Kids who are utterly hysterical, spotty and adorable all at the same time.

9. Israel. Even though I am 6000 miles away, I am grateful I can always call it home.

10. Even though I don't tell them enough, my parents. Without them, I would not be the person I am today or the person I can become.

Happy Thanksgiving.
Gobble, gobble.

What are you thankful for?

Stages of...

Note: I wrote this a few months ago when said guy had said no, this time for real. Flash forward a few months later, he is now engaged. When I found out, I cried like I never thought possible. While I went through these stages before, I went through them again. All I can say is that if he isn't the one, I am getting closer to finding him...

He said no...

No he didn't. Why would he? He couldn't have! 

Lock the doors. Give me a pint of ice cream. 

I don't want to talk. Don't want to listen.

He said no. But he didn't.

So there.

He said no...

That JERK! That inconsiderate, self-absorbed, selfish, callous JERK!

How could be so rude? Why is he so STUPID?!

Boys are stupid. That's it. They are dumb, unintelligent, cruel JERKS!

And he is the BIGGEST JERK OF ALL!

He said no...

Maybe if I had prayed more... maybe if I had done more good deeds.

Maybe if I had slept less, worked harder...

I'll be better. I'll pray harder. Please...

I just want him...

I'll do whatever it takes...

Take my heart... I don't need it.

He said no....

I don't want to go out.

I'm not gonna bother getting dressed... no one cares anyhow.

No one cares about me.

I mean, honestly, who would?

G-d, life sucks.

He said no...

He said no. He did't accept me.

But I accept my self.

I accept... that things will get better.

I will find someone better.

I will move on.

Mori V'Rabi

At around one in the morning

What should have been a time of peace

Turned into pain and mourning

Blood shed

Terror

I cannot imagine

The horror

This time

It was too close

To me

And while I am 6000 miles away

How can it be

That I would not cry

Or be afraid

My Rebbeim

Mori

My teacher

Rabi

My Rabbis

The ones who guided me through turbulent time

Are you ok (alive)?

Waiting

Waiting

Please answer

I cannot sleep

Until I know you are safe

But even then

Mori V'Rabi

What answer can you give

What comfort can you provided

Our collective soul

Has been stabbed

We are all bleeding

Mori V'Rabi

Give me an anwer

Give me hope

My emuna

Is being stretched thin
I don't want to snap

I want to go home

I want to be close

I want to be safe

Mori V'Rabi

My teacher

Teach me...

Where do we go from here?

A Day Like Today

We never should know of a day like today. But it happened. 

Terrorists entered a shul in Had Nof with only one intention: to kill, to maim and to murder.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/headlines-breaking-stories/271959/warning-graphic-images-from-jerusalem-terror-attack-in-har-nof-shul-%D7%94-%D7%99%D7%A0%D7%A7%D7%9D-%D7%93%D7%9E%D7%9D.html

http://www.timesofisrael.com/in-jerusalem-terrorists-shatter-silence-of-prayer-with-synagogue-bloodbath/

I cannot help but wonder.... Why?

What answer can I possibly give to this question?

I look at my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Eretz Yisroel and I cry. It hurts. My heart has been hurt. My home has been hurt. I cry with every wife who lost her husband. For every child who lost his father.

But the Ribono Shel Olam is watching as His children are being brutally stabbed and attacked and He must be crying. Is this world so awful that he wants his purest Tzadikim to be safe in Shamayim? Tatte, we are waiting for your name and glory to fill this world. For the terror and horror to end. But Tatte, if you take our Rebbeim, if you take our teachers and leaders, how will we know how to bring Moshiach? How will we learn your precious Torah if you take our leaders away?

Tatte... why are we being hurt like this?

There are no answers. There are no words. There is pain. There is hurt. There is unimaginable suffering for our people, for the families who lost a loved one. And there is no way to go back. The Tehorim took three steps forward in their Amidah... three steps to the Ribono Shel Olam, and He felt for whatever reason, they should be with him, body and soul... but why with such brutality...?

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/boruch-dayan-emmes/272088/har-nof-terror-victim-r-avraham-goldberg-hyd.html

http://www.jewishpress.com/news/breaking-news/list-of-murdered-and-wounded-in-har-nof-massacre/2014/11/18/

All I know is I know nothing. But I am part of a people who continue to stand up in the face of such terror. We are still here. They have not won. They never will.

http://365daysofkatzs.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/holdinghands/

Out of the Depths

After spending a year in Israel, I truly discovered where home is. When I went back to visit this past February, despite only being there for a short time, I felt safe, at home and exactly where I belonged. This summer I worked in a camp with a very Religious Zionist perspective. Every day we were reminded about our beloved country. Even more so with the war going on. The atmosphere was permeated with Israel. It stirred up feelings I didn't know I had. I felt myself becoming obsessive with reading the news... trying to find some way to connect to my home, 6,000 miles away and being barraged with rockets and terrorist attacks. You could feel how everyone in the camp was struggling being so far away. We were compelled to do something to show our support, to somehow be connected while being so far away.

Over Shabbos I read "Out of the Depths," the personal memoir of former chief Rabbi Israel Meir Lau. It was impossible to put down (except for when I dozed off for my Shabbos nap.)

Rabbi Lau writes about his journey from Buchenwald to Eretz Yisroel. He documented his travels as an immigrant child who could not read or understand Hebrew to his time in Kol Torah Yeshiva to Chief Rabbi of Netanya and Tel Aviv and finally, Chief Rabbi of Israel. His life was bound up in the establishment of the State of Israel. The struggle of the British rule, the Arab attacks from every side and the need to make the world aware of the horrors of the Holocaust. It is a story that is so raw and real, yet at the same time, so pure. It is a story that in some way we all find ourselves joining with the Chief Rabbi in our collective journey home.

There was one passage in particular that stood out to me:

"At time when Israel finds herself at war, people often ask me how I feel from the perspective of a Holocaust survivor. I usually answer, 'Does have have to be a Holocaust survivor in order to understand the situation?' We are besieged, our lives our threatened, and the danger of our destruction has not yet passed. We Jews are still struggling for survival. All Jews are, in a certain sense, Holocause survivors. But for the survivors of that original holocaust, when the siege is tightened, the issue moves to the forefront, taking on an added significance." (Rabbi Israel Meir Lau, Out of the Depths, pg. 247)

These days, we all feel the siege. Whether by rocket attacks, rampant anti-Semitism or simply reading the news and being an emphatic Jew and realizing our collective struggle. When one Jew is shot, we all take the bullet. We mourn, we cry. But one thing that unites us all is our ability to move forward. The Holocaust was a time in our history where national morale could have wiped us out even more than Hitler could have. But instead, our homeland was born from the ashes. We take our pain, our resilience, and turn into light.

We turn cement blocks that are meant to stop terrorism and turn them into art.

If We Have To Live With Concrete Blocks…

We take pain and turn it into power. 

They bomb us, and we build. 

Build settlements in response to Jerusalem terror: minister

As a people, we are no stranger to tragedy. It something that was embedded into the design of the world. They will hate us no matter what. But instead of allowing that hate to destroy (look at 6000 years of Jewish history!) we continue to grow, to thrive.

For little ol' me, 6000 miles away from home, it is comforting and reassuring to know that I am connected to a nation, to a family, and to a history that will be united into the future.

Am Yisrael Chai.

Letting Go

I had to let go
Before I let in
A terrible sin
From which there is no return
If I ever learn
How to stay far away
Then maybe I can say
It was worth the hurt
Or perhaps
You don't even care
And if so
Then where
Were you and I ever going
I expected a fight
But resistance at night
Is weak
And you were never very strong.

What Are You Looking For?

I have learned to really, truly despise this question.

What are you looking for in a guy?

No one wants the real answer. They want the top three stereotypical descriptive words of a guy who sounds like just about any guy in any yeshiva/office/pit. I mean, let's be real. We all want the same thing. A nice guy, with good values and beliefs who wants to build a nice home.

Do I care what he wears? Do I care if he has a degree? Do I care if he is from in town or out of town?

Maybe.

What am I really looking for?

I want a guy who isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Who isn't afraid to feel something more than surface level superficiality. I want a guy who is constantly looking for meaning in his life. Does he let the small things slip past his eye? Or does he look for a deeper explanation? Does he recognize that G-d is truly a part of his life? Does he learn because that's what he is supposed to do, or because he knows that is actually the very pulse of his existence? Does he care about others? And I don't mean, "hey, how are you?" and then walks away. Does he genuinely take an interest in others? 

Will he appreciate that I recognize G-d through helping children who are fighting illness? Would he say "oh that's so depressing" and totally miss the mission that I want to achieve? Will he understand that yes, a child dying is painful, but that it doesn't have to break me? Will he cry with me? Would he hold me and let me feel the pain I need to feel and then help me to move on?

Will he read my poems? Will he appreciate my creativity? Will he accept my inability to be still and my desire to do more, to be more? Will he learn Nesivos Shalom and Rav Kook with me and accept that my Hashkafos are more confusing than a trip into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory but nevertheless, I am still going to break through the glass ceiling and become closer to G-d?

The guy I am looking for cannot be summed up in a sentence or two. He cannot be expressed in ten words or less. He is more than just a piece of paper. Maybe that's why I find the traditional system so hard. When you are searching for meaning and reason, you don't think that it can be found in the pages of a book or on a printed sheet of paper. Meaning must be felt. It must be manipulated in your heart and soul. I have a hard time believing that because his paper says this and my paper says that then we must be a match. Get. Real.

Life is so much deeper, so much more vast than that. We as people are so complex, so intricate and real that to expect individuals to sum themselves in a few categories is so wrong.

I get it. It';s the best we have. but let;s be honest: the best we have is a pathetic attempt at building a world that requires so much more effort and honesty if we want to solve the crisis.

Let's rip up the papers. Let's shred them into little pieces. Let's give guys, girls, people searching for their other half, the chance to be real, to be themselves. Let's talk. Let's share. Let's recognize that we are only suffocating our future by living in the past. The system worked for a time. It did. But I know too many good people getting burned by a system that is flawed.

So... what am I looking for in a guy? I am looking for a guy who is looking for me.

I hope we find each other soon. And that everyone else who is searching finds their other half with great haste, great clarity, and great love.

Measuring Strength

I love running. I love the ache in my lungs, the burn in my legs and the feeling of sweat on my face. There is nothing glamorous about running. It's pretty gross to be honest.

After my second half marathon all I could feel was the vast amounts of liquid in my body and covering my clothes. Gatorade on my arms and legs. I had stepped in a puddle. I was sweating like I cannot even explain. Gross.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about strength.

When I was training for my half marathon, I frequented my local gym. Aside from the six TVs (which usually just showed depressing news) there was another attraction that made the gym a very entertaining place. I loved watching the guys come in, all tough in their gym clothes, tanks, tees, whatever, and go for the weights. The bench press. The true test of strength and manhood. From the corner of my eye I would watch as they packed on the weight and bent their knees preparing to lift the bar.

They would heave it up. OOH. Let it fall. AHH! And repeat. 

And then drop the bar with a definitive ARGH! The tough guy did two reps. Maybe three if he was feeling confident. Then they would get a drink, pause to watch the baseball replay. And that was it.

Now, I spent several months training. I am pretty sure those guys did not get any stronger or any more muscle. They were not consistent. They were not dedicated. They wanted to glory of saying they benched twice their weight without saying how many times. How impressive.

Physical strength is gained by dedication, consistency, repetition, and a whole lot of killing yourself over and over.

Spiritual strength is the same way. People who take on lofty goals after hearing an inspiring speech usually crash and burn. People who commit to one small thing over a long period of time usually do better. For example, I have committed myself to saying Asher Yatzar every time I use the bathroom. It is something so small you might think what's the point? Well the point is that after spending so much time with individuals who cannot regulate their body functions, rely on a catheter or need someone else to change them, I have learned to appreciate the fact that I can use the bathroom and my body functions the way it should.

But that is something I took on myself.

What about the things that are thrown at me? The challenges that face me constantly. Do I succumb? Do I throw one punch and then admit defeat? Do I stop running, stop moving, because it hurts? I would never get anywhere. But at the same time, should I even bother when I can only take  a step at a time or can only hit the target once out of every hundred times?

I know what my challenges are. I know that I have the strength to over come, but do I have the consistency? Once you can do enough repetitions you are ready for a heavier load. But that means you have to settle for the small successes.

Right now, my spiritual load is, figuratively, at 50, and I am trying to build my strength to get to 60. But 50 is heavy. 50 is hard. 50 is the constant messages I try to ignore, the phone calls I don't pick up and the lingering voices saying Oh, it's not so bad. 

But do I want to stay at 50? Do I want to know that I can get to 60? Or 70? Of course. So I will keep at 50 until I feel my body, my soul, can add more.... til I feel that I can face whatever the next challenge is that is thrown my way.

It hurts. It's hard. But I'll keep at it.

The Things I Wish Someone Told Me

Why You Should Ruin Your Shidduch Chances

I don’t think G-d ever said life doesn’t matter before you are married.  Life matters.  You matter.  And that thing bubbling inside of you called your life’s mission also matters

They talk of emuna. They talk of prayer. They talk of relentless badgering and incessant emails and phone calls. Sometimes they talk of the quiet... lonely... empty times.

They told me I have to behave. They told me I have to start now so I can support later.

Uch.

Well, today someone finally someone told me something that actually matters. He told me that I don't have to hide for fear of "ruining" myself. He told me I can be myself, even if I am just "myself."

Yea, I am young. Yea, I have plenty of time for marriage. But the waiting time sucks. It is a ticking clock that gets louder and slower with every passing second. So I am trying to fill each second with meaning. With magic. I want magic. I believe in magic. And most importantly, I believe in me.

If My Heart...

If my heart were a field

It would be filled with holes

Exploded mines

And trenches dug

For safety

For prayer

For no one can enter this war zone

Without whispering to G-d

For some measure of protection....

If my heart were a field

It would be a testimony

To the distance I have traveled

To the travels that have worn me thin

To those I met along the way

Who had no qualms

About digging a hole of their own

To relax in

While I wonder

Who is gonna clean up this mess

If my heart were a field

I would surround it

In barbed wire

And electric fences

Because I am sick and tired

Of having to mend this field

Soaked with blood

Sowed with tears

Waiting for the harvest

So that I can reap from the destruction.

The Challenge of Emuna

I.

You sent me

Into the cold

The heat

The elements

Of wind

Rain and storm

To sit in peace

And solitude

In happiness

And peace

With the knowledge

That you will shelter me

And keep me safe

From harm

I am your faithful servant

Your beloved child

I trust in your choices

Your decisions

And I will rejoice

In that acceptance.

II.

How could you

Take away

My safety

And security

How can you

Expect me

To feel safe

When the roof above my head

Is about to blow away

And the walls around me

Are waving in the slightest breeze

How could my father

Remove me from my home

Take away my comfort

And yet

You want me to trust

To believe

To rejoice?

This tragic hut

Will float away

In my tears of abandonment

Because you left me alone

III.

I don't understand

Why you threw me into the cold

Took away the one I loved

Removed my one source of joy

I feel challenged in my belief

And question the decisions you have made for me

I try

With pathetic attempts

To make sense of the senseless

To rearrange the pieces of my heart

And rewire the dysfunction of my brain

To find a place in my soul

Where you belong

And can help me on my journey

To happiness

This is the first of my journey

I have two more attempts

On my feeble feet

To come closer

And with each step

I hope to reach full acceptance

Of every challenge

With happiness and love.

Disappointment

Pile on the disappointment

Sprinkle it with pain

Mix in some misery

And add a dash of depression

Stir it up nice

Add some sadness spice

A recipe for

Heartache

Heart break

I never

Though

I could feel this way.

Make this hurt
Go away
This ache inside
Consumes me
Exhume me
Of this pain
This heart drowns me
But if I could
I would swim to the depths
Just for you
To admit
How you really feel
But until them
Its like ripping open wounds
That never got to heal
I think I enjoy the pain
Because it means you are still apart
Of this broken life
This bleeding heart
Has pulled me under the tide
And beneath these waves
I hide
In choking gasps
I wish you to be my air

Looking Towards the New Year

It is always disheartening to come down from the high of Yom Kippur. This year, perhaps more than others, felt more meaningful... I no longer felt as anxious about not eating, or as jittery about the time passing faster. It was just a blissful day of talking to G-d, knowing He was listening to me, and acknowledging my deep desire to be better. Sometimes we apologize to someone and as the words, "I'm sorry," come off our lips we can see they have tuned us out. They have been hurt too deeply to even consider be consoled by two such silly words... I'm sorry...

But G-d? He is different... He waits, and waits, and waits so patiently for us to give an inkling of an apology and then he pushes the door open all the way. He invites us in with a hug, and a kiss. G-d isn't blinded by His emotions. He is overcome with love for us and cannot hold back how happy He is that we have acknowledged our shortcomings but want to better.

Pretty amazing...

On another note, my method of making it through Yom Kippur without agonizing over my lack of coffee or the bagels that awaited me was this...

We don't eat in order to become holy spiritual  beings... we are already holy spiritual beings and therefore do not need to eat.

A Gut Gebentched Yuhr. May we all have a year of goodness, life, laughter, love and success.

Panic

The culmination of a year of success and failures, trials and triumph and happiness and sadness is finally upon us. I tend to wake up the mornings of Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur with this lump in my throat and a paralyzing grasp squeezing my heart.

This is it.

This is the end.

Everything I tried to achieve this year, every test I passed or fail is going to be scrutinized and judged.

Now, I am very aware of my shortcomings. I know that I made mistakes this year. A LOT of them. I made bad choices, bad friends and royally messed up in many ways.

But, at the same time, I am not so humble that I cannot acknowledge the areas in which I succeed. The mentors I became close with, the inspiration I gleaned from the most mundane, and all of my personal achievements and successes. I can visualize my scale in the sky as every action, word and deed line up to be sorted onto the side of good and onto the side of bad. 

"Next up, that time that Rachelli took her 'little sister' to the doctor when her parents had a busy schedule.... and its good!"

Phew. At least I know I have a few things in my favor.

"And now we have that night that Rachelli hung out with a less than savory crowd... That doesn't look too great..."

Luckily, I think I redeemed myself by leaving before things got too messy.

But there it will be, the positives and negatives and everything in between. I imagine Hashem looking over my profile trying to determine if I am worthy of another year of precious life. But thankfully, He also looks at where I am now. Now. Now. In the present. In the moment. Past and future notwithstanding, I am judged for the very instant where I commit myself to making better choices, doing my good, collecting more inspiration and coming closer to G-d. And that's what I want. That's what I have always wanted.

Life is funny in that we know what is the right choice, the right way, the right everything... but we get lost, misguided, confused and forget where we need to be going. 

I saw a quote that about sums this up.... How can the destination be so clear yet we're all so uncertain where we're headed?

We know where we need to be going, but the way to get there is messy, confusing, glorious, joyful, sad, difficult, painful, troubling, beautiful, inspiring and everything else that comes along with this journey we call life.

בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך בה מוליכין אותו
The way in which I want my life to go, that is the direction I will follow.

Tonight at 6:27 pm, and for the 25 hours following, I will state my mission statement for the year to come. I choose a life of meaning, of happiness, of inspiration and purpose. I choose a life worth living, a life I can be proud of and a life that Hashem can be proud of.

Gmar Tov. May we all be inscribed for a year of life, happiness and closeness with the Ribono Shalom. May all of our prayers for ourselves and for Klal Yisroel be answered L'Tova. May this be the year we experience the coming of Moshiach and the final Geula.

Repentence

It's been this way for a while now

Trying to make sense of the madness within

While pretending all is ok

If you saw me this way

Would I look like a storm

Or a rippling lake

It's incredible how strong I can be

When all I want to do is break

I have fought with my demons

And battle them still

In the attack at dawn

I can overcome with my will

But when those enemies of night

Come storming at my door

My strength and faith

Is wasted and poor

There is a certain security

In fighting when there is no chance of success

Because the odds are against me

I can revel in this mess

I'll clean it when the sun rises

There are so many surprises

When I have lost all hope

I believe in second chances

I believe I can try again

Because as the sun sets for the end

It is rising where the world bends.

Five Years

I was looking through my old posts... and then I looked at my first post. I wrote it for Yom Kippur five years ago. I missed my five year anniversary (English date) by two days, but since I wrote that post for Yom Kippur, I think it was before the Hebrew date.

Five years.

I don't think there has been much in my life that I have stuck to doing so consistently. There were definitely breaks during my blogging... a couple days here.... a few weeks of writer's block... months of needing to find a new outlet... but I have always come back here. I suppose I have found that writing here is cathartic... a place for me to express things that would be otherwise socially unacceptable... a soapbox for my opinions and ideals... a safe place for when I want to hide from the world...

I don't know how many people read this.... or if anyone reads this at all.. (ok, I know there are a few.... thank you for sticking by me) but I am so grateful for having this blog, this identity, that allows me to express parts of my soul that I would otherwise keep locked up tight.

So if you have been with me since the beginning, thank you. If you only showed up recently, I hope I didn't scare you too much. If you showed up now, welcome to my little corner of madness... Have some tea and stay a while.

Happy Five Years to me!

Of IVs and Analogies

I am scared that one day I will wake up, unsure of how I got to where I am, no memory of how I lost consciousness and uncertain of what happened during my slumber. I am afraid that my life will end with me just rambling nonsensically of things less lofty than my soul's mission in this world. I worry that while I sleep, in transition to the world to come, I will be unaware of the purgatory I will endure, the cleansing that hopefully might possibly perhaps bring me to a renewed light and energy in the presence of G-d.

I am scared that I will have no memory of my life. Or perhaps, even worse, the only memory I will have will be all my shortcomings, failures, misguided attempts at fulfillment and betrayal of G-d.

If I died tomorrow, could I stand before G-d, proud of my life? Would I stand by my choices, for good or for bad, and they were intended for the service of G-d? Could I defend my actions and explain that I only wanted to come closer to my dear Father?

I worry about the unknown, the blackness and abyss of when G-d puts me to sleep and I rise to His throne and stand for judgement. Will the scale weigh in my favor? Will all of my well meaning intentions be recognized as positive deeds used to bring His glory to the world? To bring me closer to Him? To be the best person I could possibly be?

I am afraid that where I stand now, I would certainly be unable to remain standing. I would fall from the sheer weight of my faults and flaws, and crumble before the Holy One Blessed Be He, because who am I to even attempt to speak in His presence when I have failed Him so terribly?

And then I realize... that while they may have put me under, a medically induced sleep, and I have no recollection of when I went to sleep or how I woke up in another place, I AM awake. I still have time. The shofar may be sounding and selichos may be recited but I have been given another morning, another waking to attempt to rectify the past, to prepare myself for a more beautiful and fulfilling day. A day that G-d will look at me and be proud and say, "You can have one more day. One more day, one more day, a million one more day to make Me proud, to bring My Name and Glory into the world, and for that, you can have one more day."

Wanderlust

Give me words
Wishes
Wonderments
I have wanderlust
To get back to you
6000 miles
Might as well be to the moon
And back
For how far away we are
Cars can't cross oceans
And planes can't keep pace with my beating heart
As I beat with love for you
No expression
Of song
No imagery captured
Could hold as tight
To my need for you
I dream
I pray
I hope
To return home
When the wars have ended
When the hate has been erased
We will rebuild the broken walls
Lay foundations for a stronger future
And be everything we were meant to be

Musings at 8 am

I wake up in darkness

Though I'm sure my eyes are open

There is fear of this oblivion

But my belief still keeps me hoping

This night can't last forever

The sun still has to rise

I wait in darkness

For the light to reach my eyes

There are those who tell me it's hopeless

And I should just give up

But even when I feel that way

I still have hope even when I'm stuck

As the clock turns its numbers

I see a glimpse of light

There is a glimmer of comfort

That I'll make it through the night

When I feel like nothing will change

And things will be this way forever

I know this moon will wane

And I will face this stormy weather

Red Alert

It took me almost a month and a half to do it. Yea, I had downloaded the app. I set it to regions that I felt connected to. But... I turned off the notification sound. How could I possibly go about my day with that siren wailing from my phone? How could I get any work done with that incessant sound going off? But then again... how could I not?

I changed the settings to notify me of all rocket alerts in all regions of my beloved Eretz Yisroel. I turned on the notification sound. I have my phone next to me all day. And now... I know what my beloved Eretz Yisroel is enduring.

My heart pounds. My head spins. How can anyone think? How can anyone breathe? How can I live comfortably in my four walls when my brothers and sisters are being bombarded and praying their four walls aren't hit? 

I sit down for breakfast.... RED ALERT.

I daven... RED ALERT.

I start doing some work in front of my computer... RED ALERT.

I go to the bathroom... RED ALERT.

As I type this post, the Red Alert has gone off at least ten times in regions across the country. My Twitter alerts are an additional reminder that this is real. This isn't some virtual reality where the Red Alert only exists in my phone and people aren't running for their lives. This is life. This is the only reality Eretz Yisroel knows right now. 

6,000 miles away, there isn't much I can do. I can donate to the IDF... I can retweet and show my support. I can daven. I can daven. Hashem... I'm davening...

And as I daven... a Red Alert goes off...

Five... four... three... two... one...

Questions

Can you answer me this

The war

And the relentless hate

The pointless destruction

And senseless loss of life

What is its purpose

Its worth

What lesson

Are we meant to be learning

What question

Should we be answering

Or better yet

What question

Should we be asking

My brothers at war

My sisters in tears

My mother

Lost in her pain

And my father

Unable to end this war

If this is the battle

We are meant to fought

Than better equip us

With a heart of steel

And a mind of knives

For our heart of flesh

Has failed us

And we allow the enemy to flee

We allow the world

To tell us how to be

But all we need

Is to be the people

You know we can be

So as a humble sheep

Among the savage wolves

I strive to live

According to your will

Within the world

You placed me in,

Open Door Policy... Just Please Wipe Your Feet

My doors are wide open

The windows have been unlocked

Come in, stay a while

Have a drink

Or two

I remember you

When you first came around

Hard hitting and hurtful

But now I invite you in again

For a game of chess

Don't mind the mess

I had some visitors the other day

I forgot to put their stuff away

Welcome in

We can hug

Or kiss

Or sit in silence

I am fine with the quiet

Or if you prefer

Let's converse

Discuss

Share what's on your mind

You already know what's on mine

The confusion

And wanderlust

Of where I am
And where I want to be

But here and now

You are sitting beside me

And I think

If I try

I can be ok with that

With just sitting

And looking you in the face

To understand

Your place

In this mixed up head of mine

This state of mind

In this house of glass

That everyone sees inside of

But I just want to see

Inside of me.

Light

I am waking up in darkness

Trying to make sense of chaos

I am writing words

Saying things

I forgot

How to think

To use my head

Making choices

Is a tipping scale

And I've chosen darkness

If I recall the light

I remember

All the happiness I felt

The joy

And bliss

And light

What brilliant

Radiant light

I can remember

I can relive

I can recall

I can

Live,

Breathing Kedusha

I have breathed in Kedusha. I have inhaled the otherworldly air of the Shechina, where the mundane is fleeting and reality is from a higher realm.

I have felt what it's like to look, Panim El Panim, in the face of G-d.

When G-d created us B'Tzelem Elokim, He created human beings with a piece of G-d within them... we posses a piece of G-dliness, so pure and so holy that nothing else can compare... Nishmas Elokim. But, as humans are known to do, we have distorted that purity and sullied it with our own goals and motivations. But G-d created individuals who are free from this plight. Individuals who perhaps do not possess every mental capacity to be in control of their actions, but who possess a soul that is so clean and innocent. 

I cannot full describe what it means to spend seven weeks in  "Heaven on Earth". Coming down from such a high is so achingly painful, my heart is still recovering. When Neshamos connect so deeply and so honestly, anything less than that is difficult to accept. 

Answers

Sometimes we get answers
To the questions
We were too scared to ask
Life altering conflicts
Are solved with a simple solution
That while is so painlessly presented
Is more painful
Than if we had risked asking

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Light Words

Words like light
Visual manifestations
Of what is held my heart
My lips cannot formulate
The thoughts I think
They remain dormant
Until in darkness
They are revealed
Like fireflies
Fleeting past the delighted hands
Of the proud ones
Who hold back tears
Together we sing
The wheels go round
And you have finally
Made a sound
We rejoice at your whispers
Because we hear your heart

Revenge

Take me

Take my wounded

My shattered bones

And broken spirits

Collect my spilled blood

And fallen tears

Remember me

When night falls

And the rest of the world sleeps

But I lay awake

Awaiting a gunshot

Or siren

Because only you

Are by my side

As the rest of the world

Vilifies me

And turns us into the enemy

But it is the enemy

Who has called for war

And I only seek to protect

And perhaps

Slightly

Seek to avenge

Because when someone hurts my brothers

I cannot remain silent

Their blood calls for battle

And I hear the call.

War

Before you start a war, you better know what you're fighting for.

The Next Day

By now my Facebook feed has been flooded with links and posts about the tragic murders of Eyal, Gilad and Naftali. Everyone has an opinion, a point to make, a finger to wave and comment to make. People have expressed anger, grief, sadness, disbelief, shock and most of all, pain. We are clearly a nation struggling to make sense of a senseless act. The way the world views the Jewish people is clearly a twisted view of how people, human beings, should be treated. We are pushed aside, neglected, scorned, vilified... we are a thorn in the side of the world. Tolerated, yes... but accepted? Never. No matter how much we try to fit in, blend in, be a part of the world at large, we will always be the outsiders. And that is the way it should be. Being the "Am Segula" means that we live on a higher realm of existence. It means that when someone tries to tear us down, we become stronger for it. One post I saw that struck me was one that went like this... "if they were murdered soon after being kidnapped, why did we have to go through 18 days of wondering and wishing for their return? Because if it had been an open-shut case of 'boys kidnapped, boys murdered, boys found' then we would not have taken action on our own to beseech the heavens for their return. For 18 days we prayed, took upon kabalos, kept shabbos, lit candles, and all other manners of trying to better ourselves, to show G-d how much we want our brothers back. We needed these 18 days to make a change."

Nothing could have heal the pain we feel for this horrific lost. I can't give a reason or explanation. I can't forgive the animals who did this. I can't calm this storm inside that makes me just want to rip them to pieces. But bloodshed isn't the answer.

Prayer is.

Revenge

You dirty, cruel monsters killed

Not one

Not two

But three

Three of my brothers

You kidnapped their bodies

And then stole their souls

Their blood cries from the earth

And mine burns with fury and pain

6,000 miles away

I surge with a passion

To exact a meticulous, murderous revenge

To raze anyone in my way

Until I can gouge the eyes of those

Who took my brothers

My brothers

Who I prayed for

Longed for

And now,

Have lost

If the world does not respond

With the intensity that is felt by us all

Then let the world burn down

Because a world that can let this go on

Is not a world I want to belong to.

Eyal... Naftali... Gilad...

I never met you

I never knew you

Until a few weeks ago

When your names

Evoked such an ache in my heart

And now

Such a pain in my soul...

I want nothing more

Than to race around the world

Send us all back in time

And change that one step

That brought us to where we are today

Yearning and learning

That G-d

Has a plan

And while it hurts

I must... MUST believe

That it is His will

And for the loss of your souls

I must better myself

I must better my world

I must better the world

So that your deaths

Are not in vain.

Guess Who's Back

Pull it together... you look like a fool out there.

Well, you make me like that.

Puh-lease. You are in control here. You HAVE been in control. But now you are letting yourself get turned upside way too easily. It's not even an effort... I mean, come on.

I got it now. Really. I'll be better.

We All Feel It

We all feel it

This gaping hole

This widening pit

This endless abyss

Of waiting

Holding our collective breath

Refreshing the news pages

Reciting prayers

In hushed tones with tears

And in screams

Of agony

We all feel

This pain

This frustration and anger

But mostly

We feel hurt

We are hurting

A part of our national body

Has been ripped away

And we are searching for that crucial limb

That life sustaining nerve and artery

Of a people that rely so heavily on each other

We all feel

Like part of ourselves is missing

And we hope

We pray to G-d

That we are reunited soon

Because to feel this loss

Forever

Would be a feeling

We could never forget.

Start Again

The end is the beginning

Where the book closes

Another word is being written

And when you feel like the dust

Has been bitten

And the road falls off the edge

There is always a way

To take a step back

And turn around

The final sound

Is the last exhale

Of life's breath

But the beating

Of a broken heart

Is simply a finish line

That will become a new start

And all the pain

Will be worth a medal one day

With a shiny engraving that reads

"I did not give up"

Even when that last second

Has passed

There is one more moment

To leave it all in the past

And one day

I hope to leave you there

And live a new way

Without thinking about you.

A Few Things

A few things on my mind...

1. Nothing works better to improve my day than a little spa treatment... a manicure goes a long way.

2. Cheesecake is a magical food.

3. Caffeine is best in large doses at frequent intervals.

4. Love is such a loosely used word, I think we have lost sight of what it truly means.

(I love cheesecake. I love you. I love sleep... see what I mean?)

5. Friends are literally make me feel lighter... simply expressing a frustration eases so much anxiety and tension.

6. Helping others means learning to help myself. And that is even harder than going out of my way for someone else.

7. Giving maaser makes me feel rich. I am so fortunate to be in a position to give Tzedakah, and not be the recipient.

8. Passion is powerful. Be careful where you devote your energies.

9. The facets of Torah are endless. I wish I could learn it all.

10. I won't be alone forever. I can't.

The Issue with Achdus

As of late, and perhaps for many years, I have noticed a problem within our people... a problem of being One People. Over the course of several years, I have been affiliated with several incredible organizations that do amazing work for the Klal. But, the thing is... all of these organizations are mutually exclusive. Each one has their events, fundraisers, concerts, programs and services... They provide different, and the same services to similar clientele. Yet, I have yet to see a poster proclaiming "The Achdus Event!" with all of these organizations in participation. Nope. Never. Instead, when one group gets too close to another, out comes the claws, snide comments, petty remarks and evil eyes. 

I have been the recipient of much of this abuse. I have been persecuted for trying to volunteer for multiple organizations. I have been ridiculed, punished and stepped on. The message seems clear.... "do good.. but only do good for us. No one else."

Is this the kind of chesed we promote? We have become insular and vindictive. And the only people who we hurt are ourselves... and the kind people who simple want to do good for the world, yet suffer because they want to do so much good...

For a people who speak of "Kol Yisroel Areivim Zeh La'Zeh", I think we need to take a closer look at who we look out for.... and maybe expand our arms wider and embrace everyone.

Take me back
To when I was invincible
To when I could protect myself
And the mask I wore
Was not one of fear and doubt
But now
My cape has been clipped
And my identity exposed
My superpower
Is super useless
Because the forces of evil
Now live inside me
And they taunt and torture
With the cruelest of intentions

Blessing

I bless this part of me

This pulsating part of me

That hurts like hell

But reminds me why

I am here

It feels like fire inside

And stings like a thousand swords

But I pause

To bless it

Because without it

I would be

Just another pile of dust

Or a lifeless breath of air

A wave in the wind

Just saying goodbye

And so I 

Say this blessing

Of thanks

And giving

Of this reminder

Why I am living

For all the hills

Hurt

And hate

Will carry me

Like walking on knives

To that relief of happiness

Heartbeats

That feel like a song

Melodious

And magical

I bless myself

For you have blessed me

And I will be a vessel

To carry this goodness

To others

Pass this blessing

To the world...

Chain Mail Love

I am afraid

But my face

Is armored

And my heart is

A shield

You can strike me

Like me

Love me

But you won't get past

All these defenses

I have

Because

The last person

I gave my heart to

For safekeeping

He left me longing

Alone

And wondering

What I did wrong...

I Like to Feel...

I like to feel

A thousand emotions

A pounding storm

A racing heart

A slow trickle

A hard hit

Slow dance

Small secret

Deep wonder

Below

Everything

Is anything

The possibility

Of becoming

A mirror of myself

Or a feeling figure

Contained in this flesh

Bound by skin and sinews

But if you

Cracked my bones

I would not shatter

For the matter

Of dust

Is simply where I came from

And where I will return

.

He said no

I knew he would

Not the type

Not right

Too this

Too that

I danced around

I went under

And over

To hear

No

A resounding

Pounding

Heart wrenching

No

But then again

Maybe

That's what I wanted

All along.....

Fool

Fools

and devils

the lot of them

wild

animals

their lashing tongues

and racing hearts

I fear I cannot escape

their gnashing teeth

And hypnotic eyes

But I

I have been hurt

They have cut me

I bleed

colors I never saw

Before

And my heart

My heart has been turned against me
My closet comrade

Now a fearful foe

Enemies

Dangerous

Beasts.

Masks

It is a mask

What am I hiding,

You ask,

And to be honest

No better question

Has been formulated

Seeing as such

Life has me situated

Stuck between

Where I am coming from

And where I want to go

And those

Who are in the know

See me as that

Small, silly child

Stuck in a play-pretend hat

And I

Want to be in vogue

I want to break rules

And maybe

Go rogue

And be taken seriously

For once

I don't want to be

The dunce

So, to take a stand

I wear this mask

And what is it

You persistently ask

This mask

Is me

Everything you never wanted me to be

But everything

I was ever meant to be.

Ascension

We left the dirt... the dust... the danger... and death. We escaped from the clutches of persecution, suffering, torture and enslavement. We are free.

Now what?

The crucial, and often overlooked, point of Yetzias Mitzrayim is that we were not simply freed... We became a free people, free to serve our Redeemer, Creator, Father and King. He took us out to bring us to acceptance His greatest gift, the Torah.

We began counting the days until that incredible moment.

But let's make it practical. As much as I try to imagine myself leaving Egypt, witnessing the plagues and eating some sheep, it's not hard. But we all have things we are enslaved to.

So I decided to find something to free myself from. And so far, I am doing ok. Should I succeed, should I rise above this challenge that has been weighing me down, I know I will be better for it. I will be able to approach Matan Torah with a lighter heart... these chains (pun intended) will be lifted and removed...

3 days down...  

Morning Run

I wake up

The sun has been in the sky

For hours

I lace up

Get up

Get out

Get going

Get moving

Get gone

Get lost

In my head

My thoughts

I run

To feel something

To remember

That there is pain

That doesn't hurt my heart

My wild, wicked heart

My cage

Cannot stop its running

So instead

My legs

Must pick up the pace

To catch

What has run away

And today

Maybe I'll overtake 

My racing heart.

Precious Words

It's happened again. I have been resigned to whispers, soft spoken words, because anything louder scratches the insides of my throat, like a beast trying to claw its way out. I have been forced to slow my lips and loosen my ears, to listen... to hear. The world feels different when I cannot shout my protests of injustice. I have tried. I want to fight back. I hate feeling suppressed and unable. But no one wants to listen when they can't hear.

I remember in school when they would show us videos... (those forbidden things that play on the microwave...) and there was always that one kid who wouldn't shut up. We would raise the volume, and so would that kid. Eventually, listening became too much of a strain and we all just lost interest.

That's how I feel. People have lost interest in me. Without my voice, I am simply a less interesting version of myself.

But... this time of silence has given me the unique opportunity to listen to others. To hear their thoughts, their opinions.

The ideas of others are truly fascinating. There is so much potential and creativity in the world, just waiting to spill forth from tight-trapped lips, because at some point, no one cares to listen to someone else.

So... world... I cannot speak. So I will listen. I want to hear your thoughts and ideas. Your wishes.... dreams... your speeches and monologues... I want to hear words of inspiration or desperation.

I want to know what you think.

What are you thinking?

Sigh of... Freedom?

How fitting

That as we speak of freedom

From what enslaves us

I have been freed

From the possibility

Of you.

I feel as if the chains

Around my ankles

Have been snapped and burned

I can walk with lightness in my step

The heaviness in my heart

Isn't so heavy anymore

That feeling of "what if?"

Is now a resounding "not happening,"

And I can be at peace with that

I had the patience

(Or not)
To see where this chapter would go

But I can close this book

I can shut the door

On you

On us

And now

I can focus on me

And all I can be

Without worrying

What you think

Cuz to be honest

Did I ever really care?

(Probably...)

But not anymore.

Lonely

Does it matter

If my days are busy

And full of good

If every second

Is occupied

By something meaningful

What is that meaning

If it means nothing to me?

If every part of me

Inside my soul

Remains empty

And alone

The clocks keeps ticking

And time is sticking

Congealing into a mass

Of slow moving

Soul stealing

Mediocre

Moments

Of

Loneliness.

Productivity or Just Procrastinating

I have always felt

There is a fine line

Between being productive

When pushing something off

And simple procrastinating
Today

Was one of those days

Dentist

3.5 mile run

And a shiur

Pesach cleaning (or just crap cleaning)

And still

I feel like

I have just been

Pushing off something

Something important

But...

I just can't quite put my finger on it...

Maybe it is buried beneath

Six years of "memories"

And useless garbage...

And maybe I'll figure it out...

Soon.

Madness

Fell down... down...

D....

....o.....

.........w......

..............n.....

A rabbit hole

But 

This is not wonderland

There is no Queen of Hearts

Because my heart

Still beats in my body

My head

Still attached at the neck

But

What the heck

I would rather 

Be smoking with the caterpillar

Lost in a haze

Than be wandering

In this

Not-so-wondrous maze

Because there are beasts a-wandering

And as I run

I stumble upon

Madness

Someone

Who might be

Mad for me

Mad about me

A kind of madness

That makes me feel

Like my heart

Can conquer anything

Monsters will not scare me

And trouble will not terrorize

But

As I open my eyes

In the bright light

I realize

That the rabbit hole

Was just my front stairs

And now my back hurts from falling

And my heart hurts

From wishing.

Love

When the bribes run out

And the pot of gold is empty

When the threats quit working

And instilling fear fails

When your hand becomes tired

And pain no longer creates pause

When your tongue goes a dry

And a million words have no meaning

When you have nothing left

And no plans in place

When hope is hopeless

And happiness is hazy

When there are no options

And escape isn't possible

Then, and only then

Will love remain

And love, true love

Can conquer all

Critics

The critics

Will always criticize

With sharp tongues

And judging eyes

They will find flaws

And faults with all

When it comes to unnecessary comments

They will gladly answer the call

Snide remarks

Are their specialty

And they hurl insults

With such ridiculous glee.

The critics

Criticize

But because of their hurt

I will rise.

Today, We Enter

Flashback a couple hundred years... imagine the scene... a trembling queen... a king with intelligence below average... a wise man... a wicked plot... an enemy...

If you haven't guess, I am talking about Purim.

There are so many themes and concepts that emerge when speaking about Purim... the re-acceptance of Torah... the destruction of Amalek... the necessity for believing in G-d... I am sure you have heard a few... and maybe you have heard this one before, but in trying to make the Torah relevant to my life, I will share with you my thoughts.

In reading the story of Purim, hearing the many retold versions of Mordechai and Esther and most explanations, Achashverosh isn't really portrayed as a smart man. He drinks a lot. He has a hard time thinking for himself. In a moment of rash decision, he executes his wife. He blindly gives over his power to a man with questionable motives. Overall, he is generally seen as a "silly", shikkur and shoddy king.

Esther, the righteous niece/wife/cousin of Mordechai, comes from a rich lineage, a prestigious dynasty of Jewish royalty in their own rite. She becomes queen and by way of Mordechai's harsh rebuke is placed in the devastatingly tricky position of being the sole redeemer of the Jewish people, sentenced to genocide by Haman.

And so, she fasts. She prays to Hashem to save her; Hashem who is hidden throughout the text of this story. She knows that going to Achashverosh uninvited is reason for beheading. She is literally putting her life on the line for her noble and necessary cause of saving the Jewish people.

She prays "Keili Keili..." as she enters the royal chambers of Achashverosh and as she does so, she passes idols on her way "Lama Azavtani??". Her spiritual cleansing and connection that she attained through fasting and prayer vanishes. The protection she had built for herself falls away. And she enters.

Achashverosh raises his scepter and grandly offers up to half his kingdom to the fearful queen!

Fast forward in the text. Esther invites Achashverosh and Haman to a party. Then to a second party. She reveals Haman's plot. Haman is killed. The Jews are saved an can fight back against the genocide incited against them. We sing, dance, drink and eat in celebration. Hooray!

But you knew all this. So why am I telling you this?

I think that we all face an Achashverosh in our life. A situation that feels so formidable and daunting that we are so afraid and just want to get out. We pray. We find it hard to eat. We approach the situation and feel as if Hashem has forsaken us. And then, we look back following the situation and see that the "enemy" or situation we faced wasn't quite so frightening... it really was like approaching a drunk dumb king and... we were never alone. We had the strength we needed all along. G-d was always right there.

I'll admit, it is easy to say "oh, it wasn't so bad" after the fact. But what if we went into every difficulty and thought... "this isn't so bad. Nothing is more powerful than G-d... so any force I face is simply a less threatening version of anything I think because G-d can change things in a moment!"

Just some food for thought...

On a personal note, there was a year in my life where every day literally felt like I was walking into Achashverosh's chamber. I davened and prayed for redemption, for a scepter to be raised towards me in kindness. In took a year for that to happen. Looking back, it was a year of growth. I needed it. I needed to realize that the only One I can rely on G-d, especially when those I am closest to, or trusted the most have forsaken me. Even in my darkest moments, I retained the knowledge and belief that G-d would always do right by me, whether it was the way I thought it would be done or not.

I truly feel that at one point or another, we are all like Esther. We are facing danger. The enemy is all around. And at that moment, the only place to look is up, to G-d.

Heartbreak

I have watched

I have heard

I have felt

The heartache

Heart

Break

Nails on a chalkboard

That skin chilling cry
Of everything being lost

Every dream

Desire

And hope

Shattered

Battered

Broken

I have tried glue

And nails

Tape

To repair

The cracks

And mess

But at best

Someone knows I care

At worst

They realize there is nothing

I can do

And for you

I would go to the end of the earth

And back

But for me

My heart will stay

In pieces

If I stray

They won't know

About the pain

Honey Date

Once dated
Already jaded
Piles of papers
And lists of names
To pick
Pick off
Or picture
Meetings at midnight
And the roundtable
Lobbies are off limits
And arcades are just limited
Miles crossed
Hearts tossed
Forget the man
Marry the idea
That marriage
Is reached
By the road less traveled
Because you must be mad
To wander down this thorny path
But if I meet you at the clearing
Will you be more endearing
Than the man who couldn't rise to the occasion?

New Direction?

Sometimes I sit at my computer to write a post, and think Do I really want to share this with my anonymous blog world?  When I first began this blog, I was an angst-ridden teenager who was too angry with the world, and too restricted in how much of my mind I could speak. But now, I have matured (in some ways) and grown up. I don't see the world as such an oppressive and cruel place. I have made my own place. I am happy where I am in my life now. Sure, there are things I want to happen. I still have dreams, desires and wishes. But my plans for life are starting to fall into place, piece by piece. It's fun to watch the puzzle of my future be put together.

With that being said, I am no longer that angry high schooler who needed to have some place to vent about how unfair life is. So my question is, what direction will this blog take? I have thought about turning it into a "lifestyle" blog, but that will probably turn some people away. And I am pretty sure there are enough "shidduchim" blogs out there to keep everyone occupied with how they will marry off all those anonymous bloggers.

So... where to go? What direction should I turn this blog? Far left? Right turn? U-Turn?

Hm....

Elation

I wandered these streets

Heart elated

Mind debated

All the struggles I have faced

And will face

Something about this place

Makes all the pieces

Of my broken heart

Hopeful for a new start

There is peace here

Something special so near

I could walk here for miles

And never feel a drop of fatigue

So it would seem

I could lose all my worries

And not have a single care

Just from breathing in this air

All the questions

Fade to nothingness

And the answers

Have always been before me

And here I can open my eyes

To see

That with you

Is the only way to live

And without you

Is no life at all

Coming Home

Is this real?

Can it be true?

Too long apart

I am returning to you

I have heard you calling

A faint whisper

Lost in the chaos

I strained to listen

And could hear your plea

Desperately

Waiting for me

After months

I am coming home.

For one second, it was too good to be true.

And guess what.

It was.

At least I have the memories...

For Me

I made this choice

For me

Can't you see

Things are not the same

I am smarter now

I see more clearly

I am ready to live my life

The one I was given

And the life I lead before

Wasn't living

I was simply letting myself

Be pulled

Pushed

Shoved

Buried

Beneath

Expectations I never had to fulfill

And demands that were never fair

I always rose to the occasion

But now

I will choose the occasion

It's my party

And I will smile cuz I can.

Slowly

I wish to close my eyes. Lean back slowly, my head feeling heavier... heavier... and then landing, perhaps on a clouds, and left to just float.... away. To drift somewhere where worries have no meaning. Where tomorrow is simply a word, and yesterday is too far to remember. I think that sometimes we lose moments in the chaos of living day to day. We forget to wake up each day and think "what incredible things will I accomplish today?" We get lost in the rush of where to go, what to do, what to buy....

I have been rushing. Running. In the literal and figurative sense. And while there are miles behind me, and miles ahead, there is a journey as well that I would like to enjoy.

So... perhaps I will try... to just slow... down....

Feel Joy

Happy Birthday!

Mazel tov!

Congratulations!

I am

Overjoyed!

It's a boy!

A girl!

A chosson!

A kallah!

L'Chaim

Vort

Bris

Engagement
Wedding

Kiddush

I just

Want to say

I am learning

How to feel joy

And it feels

Joyous.

Clean

I am getting clean

Nothing 

Will hold me back

From setting myself

Free

I have set out to be

The best version

Of me

So I am getting clean

Letting go

Of what has been

Dragging me down

Down...

A downward spiral

Of holding onto memories

That mean nothing

A past

That has passed

And so

I clean myself

Get clean

Remove the garbage

Pardon my french,

The crap I have clutter my life

So today

I am getting clean.