*Melting*

My student, a 4 year old boy, asks to sit on my lap during circle time.

Me to student: Why do you want to sit on my lap?

Student: Because!

Me: Because why?

Student: Because you are the best Morah!

I officially love my job.

Step

I feel like I am in the midst of this grand balancing act, my arms spread as far as I possibly can, praying I don't fall.

On my head there are plates and bowls and shoes and books and hearts piled high. One step wrong and everything falls.
I fall.

I just need to get to the other side.
I need to get through a few more days... weeks... months... and then I can breathe (a bit) easier.

Phone calls... emails... texts... letters...

Money, miles and meetings.

High expectations... high risk factor.

I am not at risk.

But so much is at risk.

One small step...

For me.

One giant leap...

For life.

War

Don't call it a fight when you know it's a war...

Heroes, warriors

Fighters in the field

But not with guns

Or swords

They are fighting

Themselves

A battle that bravery

Cannot win

And strength cannot overcome

It is a battle

I have seen too many times

Yet, it happens

Again

Again

And again

And those who can end this war

Who have the power

To join and fight

Have settled

For shutting their doors

Closing their hearts

As the innocent fall

They don't give out their weapons

Or make known their solidarity

Instead they sit

High on a hill

Behind closed white doors

While those in white-washed rooms

End their war

With a steady beep

Reminding us one more time

That the battle was lost

And the war rages on.

(It makes me angry. So angry. I didn't know Sam, but by this point, many who didn't know him have become painfully aware of his life... and his death.

Cancer is a battle... a WAR we can win if only those with the power to make a difference will finally get off their lazy, greedy, heartless behinds and DO something about it.

How can children dying not be a wake up call? The drums of war have been sounded... and some people just refuse to hear them...)

In memory of Sam... http://supermansamuel.blogspot.com/) 

Mi Adir

There is something

About being here

Watching as this monumental moment

Takes place

Seas were split

Mountains were climbed

And hearts

Were broken

To bring them

To this moment

Where he looks at her

And she, at him

Bracing themselves

For that one foot falling

That shattering of pieces

That signifies

How they will come together

To build a home

Remnant of a time

When we were all one

And now that they are one

The music begins

The laughter is boundless

And tears flow

And something about being here

Watching as this transpires

Brings me a kind of joy

That I cannot fully put to words

But through these ones

I have tried.

Midnight Musings

I am reading into things. I am watching for neon signs, lights burning bright in the night, guiding me. Perhaps this is the one that will guide me home. That person in my path... yes, he must have all the answers.

I have learned to turn away from thieves in the darkness. But finding an honorable man... well, that is harder than that "needle in a haystack" theory. 

Is every sign meant for me? Is every signal meant to turn me? Did I stumble into Oz? Is some crazy misguided brainless scarecrow sending me scurrying in every which direction? Or will the man behind the curtain eventually reveal his truest intentions?

Maybe this rabbit hole I have fallen down, this life that seems to crazy to be real, is just the dose of medicine I need.

I am smiling. I am happy. But at the same time, I am searching. There is mystery to be questioned. There are pebbles to be tossed, to create ripples in the water. But to settle... to feel like I have accomplished... well that would be better than anything.

So... I continue searching. I wander. I try to fulfill the plan intended for me.

I think one day I might be able to accept what has been sent to me. Until then, all I can do is try.

Written in...

It used to be

That your fate was sealed

In black and white

As plain as day

No denying what the written word said

But now... 

Even after the proverbial ink has faded

And memories have whitewashed to

Paleness

Someone

Somewhere

Can drudge up

Your shame

Words

Attached to your name

Though you have repented

Changed your ways

There is no escape

Archives

Endless records

Of every thought

Word

Comes back like a poison arrow

At the heart

Straight for the kill

Maybe

If I stand still

It won't hurt

As much

Letting Go

I release you

To the wind

To the sky

I finally

Will let go

I finally know

Holding on

To this heart

I thought was mine

Has only made me

Hate mine own heart

So I start

A new

By letting go

Of you

The past

Can no longer weigh me down

I no longer

Will be chained by

Someone who I thought

Was so high

But at the end

You were human

Like the rest

And at best

You had flaws

The same as me

So you see

To let go

Means to know

I have flaws of my own

But I no longer

Am trapped by yours

So for that
I let go

And embrace

A new heart

Apart

From yours

I

Finally

Can let go.

Too

I am trying to

Though

Therefore

I doubt

I shall

Perhaps

Carry on

Onto

Unto

The wondrous

Ridiculous

They who

Ridicule

Are simply

Too scared

Yet

YET

Are

We

There

Yet

Something

Someone

Somewhere

It's just

That I

Don't really know

But

My mind

Made up

To try

So

I shall.

The Happiest Time of the Year

Happiness is...

Hundreds of presents

Wrapped under a tree

One for you

And ninety nine for me

Happiness is...

Trampling a stranger

For a deal so good

That I have no problem

Knocking someone where he stood

Happiness is...

Sitting around saying thanks

For all I have

While looking at the next gadget

I can grab

Wait...

TRUE happiness is...

Having beliefs

Bigger than me

Morals and values

That have guided us for centuries

TRUE happiness is...

Overcoming adversity

And returning home to rebuild

Discovering that not all hope was destroyed

Because one flask was still sealed

TRUE happiness is...

Finding that spark within

That burns brighter than twinkling lights

And remember that miracles do occur

Far longer than those magical eight nights...

This Place

I am here
At this placed called
Now
And I wonder
How
Did I get here
Miles from where
I intended be
Reading this map
That's outdated
Never updated
But should somehow
Guide me
Show me
Where I need to be
I am following
Unpaved roads
Don't know
Which direction
And without discretion
I am asking strangers
Talking to scarecrows
And skipping merrily
But I am terribly
Afraid
That I might end up
On the wrong side
Of the story
And will fade
Without glory
Alone

Voices

It's voices...

Faint reminders

Those nagging...

Doubts...

Sometimes

They are quiet

And sometimes

They are

So 

Loud

It shouldn't be allowed

We only use indoor voices

Inside my head

You don't need to scream
I can hear

Loud and clear

If you were anymore near

I would fall from the reverberations 

Of your voice

The ground shakes

The earth opens

I am swallowed whole

Falling into

The silence

And at last,

I am at peace

In pieces.

Pressure

The little tea pot

Burning on the fire

Little puffs of steam

Burning higher

Shut tight

Nowhere to escape

Locked with chains

And sealed tight

Getting hotter and hotter

Too hot to touch

Can we cool down

This is getting to be a bit much 

Let's turn up the heat

Can you handle the pressure

If I could

Would I feel this under the weather

Run faster

Do more

Be the best

Get the highest score

Lose yourself

In the craze of reality

Try to keep calm

And don't lose your normalcy

But once it gets too hot

This little pot

Is bound to overflow

And explode

(What a childish way to express the stress I feel but since all this pressure is building up in my brain I have lost my ability to write normally... for the time being... but I had to write something... so here...)

Vulnerable

I don't think people realize how vulnerable we are until we see each other in our pajamas...

But if you are wearing a superman t-shirt, you might be safe...

Road Trip

Let's go out on the road

But please

Don't take me for a ride

I am not ready

To take a trip with you

We have been tripping through

This relationship

You call "friendship"

When were we ever

Actually friends

You never knew the meaning

The give and take

So fake

It's all about your insecurities

Self esteem

Or lack thereof

And I am so done

With trying to please you

Or even appease you

So the next time

You have somewhere to go

You better know

I won't be going with.

Over It

Over it

Or simply

Over being obsessed with you

Trying to decipher

It's just unclear

How I feel

When I think of...

Us two.

It's been

A year

I missed the anniversary

Of when we

Fell out of touch

Even though you touched

The deepest part of me

Am I really

Over you?

Or over what you did to me

Can it be

That you are

Over it too?

Today

Sticky hands

And smelly feet

Playing games

Never being neat

Hands in places

Hands shouldn't be

Who could judge

When I am cute as can be?

Runny noses

And chewed up sleeves

I may look sweet

But my smile deceives

Crayons and glue

Swings and slides

I am so young

I can't explain what I feel inside

So I will hit

I probably will scream

But it isn't really

All it seems

A Prayer

Dear G-d,

I pray to you

Two times a day

I try

But G-d

I sigh

I must confess

I am a mess

And only you

Know what to do

What my life will be

If it were up to me

I would fast forward through

See the man I will marry

The house we'll own

And the children we'll raise

But G-d

What I want the most

Is clarity

That precious rarity

That will help me through

And see that You

Have a plan

That may be hard

Cause alarm

But by far

Is the best for me

Sincerely,

Me

Two Years

It has been two years.

Two years...

Too long...

You are gone...

But your memory

Lives on

I didn't forget

How could I ever

Forget?

Someone as pure

As honest

As real

As you

And although

You are no longer here

You are still near,

Reminding me

To do good

To do more

To soar

So that maybe

I will see you once again

In that place up high

Where you watch from the sky

L'Zecher Nishmas Shimon Yosef ben Doniel Avraham

We Have Arrived

I can breathe

A sigh of relief

Ten days

Of sitting on the edge of my seat

Would I be beat?

Would I admit defeat?

Would I run out of

Food to eat?

Water to drink?

Would my house burn?

Would I turn

To rubble and ash?

Run out of cash?

Fall to illness?

I would be remiss

If I thought it was because

I was careful

Or possessed super powers
Because there is only One power

Who could allow me

Another breath

An escape from death

All around me

Friends have been falling

Have fallen

To flames and fire

To a journey that goes higher

To suffering

And pain

But somehow I

Have made it to today

And if you are reading this

You have arrived as well

So tonight

Tomorrow

Pray like your life depends on it

Because, dear reader

It most certainly does.

Gmar Chasima Tova.

Prayers

Two days...

Of prayers...

For..

A new year...

But for some...

That new year

Was just too far

To reach

Could another

Prayer

Have tipped the scales

Or was

There never a chance?

But we tried

G-d

We TRIED!

But still...

He died...

The man

Who taught me

What selflessness truly is

Who embodied

What pure chessed

Is all about

G-d

Did you hear us?

Why did you

Take him away?

Couldn't he have had

One more...
Million days?

All those prayers...

I hope

They will give another

A million days...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

Everything

Changes

Tomorrow

Nothing

Stays

The same

Tomorrow

I say goodbye

Tomorrow

I say hello

Tomorrow

I don't know

What tomorrow will bring

So for now

I live for today

And tomorrow

Can wait.

Wishing you all a Kesiva V'Chasima Tova...

Birth

Sometimes

It doesn't pay

To look away

To miss a moment

When G-d is staring you

Straight in the face

In this room

Where miracles

Are born

It's impossible

To deny

That Someone on high

Could bring this to be

And luckily,

He showed it to me

So if there was ever a doubt

It simply flew out

To the wind

To disappear

Into the atmosphere

But in my eyes

It is clear

And it is so precious

So dear

The cheer

Of birth

Upward or Inward?

Question: Why don't we recite Birchas HaChodesh on the Shabbos before Rosh Hashana? It would seem apparent that before the month that determines our entire year we would be extra vigilant in asking G-d to grant us Bracha, Parnassa...

Answer: Because the month that determines what our entire year looks like is dependent on us and what we choose to make of it. G-d simply makes it happen.

This was the gist of the Drasha my Rav gave this Shabbos and I have to say, it really resonated with me. We tend to get into this mode of putting so much of our hopes and desires into G-d's hands, like we should, but we forget that it is also dependent on ourselves what our life will look like.

G-d can deal us a difficult lot and we can be miserable, or we can think, this is a challenge, a struggle, and it will make me stronger, I just need to learn how to overcome, and overcome with happiness.

So... next week is Rosh Hashana... I am always a nervous wreck at this time. I look back at my whole year and think... Did I really accomplish anything? Am I any different? I start to mentally write down everything I did and look for that glimmer... and then I gulp and begin to sweat nervously when I think... another year is coming... another year of (what I hope will be) growth, expectations, obligations.... 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

It's maddening.

But then I realize. 

It's up to me.

I have made it this far. I can go further.

Kesiva V'Chasima Tova.

Tomorrow

Start again

Start over

Let's pretend

This is the first ever

And never

Have I

Done anything wrong

I never

Went so long

Without

Making a mistake

And if I take

One second to see

That all I can be

Is just around the sunrise

I don't need

The moans and sighs

Of desperation

And repentance

But just in case

I am hoping for acceptance

For my regrets

As I try

To go high

A level beyond

Who I have been

And if I sin

I know

Tomorrow

Will wait for me.

Truth

No surprise

What's the prize

For the time we

Haven't spoken

Unbroken

The months

Create space

Since I've seen your face

But it wasn't so long ago

So close

I wish I could have told you

The truth

It's true

I miss you.

Ships in the Night

Sailing the seas

Smooth water

And cool breeze

Navigation on track

Venturing out

No turning back

Miles of emptiness

No one here

Just me and the vastness

A star to guide

And no where to hide

That's why I

Panicked

When I saw a ship in the night

Passed me by

Its lights shining bright

Horn blaring

Why is scaring

The only way

To send a message

I get that you're the enemy

But some part of me

Doesn't really know

So show

Your true colors

Wave your flag high

And remind me

What it means to be

Ships in the night

Poison

We're pumping you with poison

I know it hurts now

But someday, somehow

You will look back

And thank us for this pain

For all that will remain

Will be the scar of where we injected

I know it's hard to imagine

When everything has been so dark

But there will soon be light

Everything will be

All right

I know you are smiling

For the audience that watches

As you take your last 

Pill of death

And the pain

Takes your breath away

But today is the last today

Today will be the last time

You see this vial

I know it is vile

But you will thank us one day

Some how

Some way

You will be ok

And all the fear

Will go away

One day soon

You will return

To the innocence you are entitled to

But for now

We must inject you

With one last drop of poison.

Close Your Eyes

And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

-Pompeii, Bastille

For those who agree with the school of thought that we have been here before, sent again to rectify a mistake from a former life, I think these words are very important. When we live our lives with our eyes open, never taking a second to close them and look inwardly, we lose sight of the bigger picture. We lose sight of who we are and who we are meant to be because we are so caught up in everything that is going on around us.

Sometimes we have to close our eyes and say, "This is what G-d intends for me. I am fulfilling G-d's will." Even challenging situations present the opportunity for incredible growth... How am I gonna be an optimist about this? How am I going to see the good when I feel like there is none?

So here I am... wondering, wishing and waiting, trying to close my eyes and envision the plan that G-d has for me when really it feels like He is just jerking me around like puppet on a string. Which I am. But every move He has conducted for me is done so with careful thought and diligence. I didn't just happen to end up here. Nothing just happens. G-d made it so. And if He did, the question is, how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

New

I just went through some of my posts from the past couple of weeks... and whoa! It seems like I have just been sitting under a rock, moaning and bawling like a baby. And that's not true. There has been one point of contention in my life that has sort of overshadowed a lot of that good that's been going on. And there has been a lot of good.

This summer, compared to others, has been filled with a lot of Simcha and Bracha. I have been having experiences that are new and exciting. I have made new friends, met new people, and seen the world with new eyes.

New.

There is a saying that there is nothing new under the sun, but the sun that shines in my life has revealed a lot of new things. Where I am now is better than where I have been. I feel challenged, but not frustrated. I am being tested, but I am not being bested. Every time I doubt my own abilities, I surprise myself by rising to the occasion and proving myself wrong.

Who I am today is not defined by who I was yesterday and it is no indication of who I will be tomorrow. I can be angry about certain situations that have been thrown against me, or I can just smile and not let them bother me. This is not to say that I am shirking my duties, but I am not being pulled down.

I have been in that place where everything bad just makes me fall in frustration. But no more.

Every morning is a new chance to be better, happier and more fulfilled, and that is where I want to be going.

So I apologize if I have been misleading you with my previous posts. I am actually very happy and very happy learning how to not let things get me down.

Switch

From a friend

To a fraud

I thought you were bringing me closer,

But you were really pulling me away from G-d

I used to look at you

With rose colored glasses

But as I look more closely

I see more clearly as time passes

You were never the good guy

You were devil on my shoulder

And this distance between us now

I hope it keeps growing colder

You think you are going to the right

But that train has left town

And all that it's taken with

Is the people you have brought down

I hope you move on

And move far away

Because I want to look back

And never think about you in the same way

Don't pretend you are so righteous

When you are just being rude

I will applaud goodness

If only you were being good

Slow

Slow down

Everything is

Spinning around

I feel like I am

On a carousel

No brakes

One speed

Fast

A million bright lights

Noises that I can't process

Everything is just moving

Faster

Faster

Fast

Who ever thought

I would be here

Going there

Or that you

And I

Would be worlds apart

Certainly not I

But if I could fly

I would flap my wings

A thousand miles away

Because the second I slow down

To a stop

That means I have dropped

Dead.

It's Been Said

It's hard to understand

Why we mourn

Why we cry

Why...

We die.

And then

I see why

I see how a lie

Can spread across cities

Fly through clouds

And somehow cloud

Judgement

And discretion

All of this

False communication

Has broken us

We have lost trust

In each other

Sister, brother

What about

Just a friend

Can't we end

This merciless talk

Can't we just

Shut our mouths

And walk

Instead of watching

As someone we should care about

Falls apart

Because of you

Who broke her heart

A simple sorry

Is a great way to start

But after that

You have an entire world

To reconcile with

Because what you said

Will keep running

Until your dead

And then it will speak

Before the throne

And it will be your words

To own

And regret,

I hope you never forget.

You, Me

(found this in my drafts...)

This is
Me
Trying to be ok with
You
A different
You
Than the
You
I once knew
It used to be that
We
Could talk
And if
I
Was lost
You would guide
Me
Back to
Me
The
Me
You
Knew
I
Could be
But when
You
Shifted
We
Drifted
And
I
Learned to see
That
I
Wasn't uplifted
By
You
Just enamored
Once
You
Moved in
All the glamour
You
Hid behind
And
Left me
Behind

The Happiest Sadness or The Saddest Happiness

We laugh

We cry

We try

Try

So hard

To remember

The good times

When the bad

Seems so strong

How long?

Why

Are you gone?

Come back

To happily ever afters

And dream come true

How can we

Live without you?

Such a short time

Such a pathetic rhyme

When I want

To write you

A song

A novel

The encyclopedia

Of everything

I adore

And more

About you

We cannot undo

What is so final and done

But

For everything under the sun

Nothing can shine as bright

As the memory you have left behind

And for all you leave us with

We will pay back in kind

We will continue to shine

Cold

Life has made you

Dark, cold and sad

I see how

You would rather stand in the rain

Than bask in the glow

Of the sun

And if only one

Could take your hand

Take you away

To somewhere safe

You would go

In a moment

A flash

But one second has passed

And you are still here

Staring at your shadow

Wondering why only darkness

Seems to follow you

When you used to be

So full of promise and hope

And now

You barely know how to cope

With the hand you have been dealt

And every feeling has been felt

You would rather feel nothing

Than the pain that consumes you

Skin

If you saw the color

Of my skin

You would grin

I am the color of

Love

Radiating laughter

And ever after

Beams from

My fingertips

I've got a better grip

On everything you let go

If only you could know

That my skin says

All the things

My words can't

I am dreaming of

My skin

Showing the world

What it means to be

The rainbow

I will show

My glow

And then you will know

The color of

My skin.

Black, White and Red

It feels like

My world has come

Unhinged

I am coming loose

Splitting seams

And flying paper reams

Cables crossing

A tangled

Mangled

Mess

Trying to understand

Why you have become

So cruel

What rule

Have I broken

When we haven't even spoken

When did I

Become so despised

I mean, honestly

We used to be friends

Or some variation

Of friendship

Until a few months ago

When you

Let go

Disappeared

I've tried not to care

But this feeling has been hanging

Dangling in the air

Above my head

Like a cloud

That won't go away

And in the past few days

Have I seen your true colors

In their shades of grey

No matter how black and white

You try to be

Being frum

Is no excuse for being rude

To me

Them

Or anyone

I will always respect

Someone who wants to grow

Don't you know

I try to do the same

We walk the same road

But maybe it's called another name

So please don't judge

Just because  I sin differently

Because honestly

We all bleed red

We'll end up dead

And I don't want our differences

To dig our graves

Brother

Brother, where are you
Dear brother, where have you gone
We used to be close
And now you are so far
I don't even know who you are
But brother I saw you
You looked happy
And that hurt
Because we used to be close
You used to know
What it meant
To be a brother to me
To talk to me
When I was in pain
But now
Like then
I remember
That most of that pain
Came from someone
Who I thought
Was my brother.

Everlasting

This is where

Lines cross

Eyes blur

Hearts race

Cannot pace

Time moves

Too fast

Flies past

Cannot grip

I slip

Forget

Regret

And try

To patch together

My own piece of forever

But then I remember

Nothing lasts

Except for

Who I choose to be today

So for that

I hope I don't fade away

But somewhere

Someone is waiting for me to say

That I'll be here to stay

I just hope that day

Comes sooner

Than it seems to be

Or else I might

Lose me

In that mad dash

Can't

Don't tell me I can't

When you haven't even given me 

A chance to try

My limit is endless

If I will it

I can reach the sky

We let the small things

Hold us back

Logistics and planning

Are just a way

To reach a goal

That maybe needs more

Than reality to fuel it.

Getting Gif-y

At the moment, I have run out of words to really describe what my life has been like lately... luckily, I have some pictures that do a pretty good job :)


These past few weeks have felt like this:

This morning felt like this:

As all my plans keep forming, falling apart and reforming:

To put it simply: 

But then I get a small reminder:

Sigh... Things are super crazy right now. I sort feel like a deflated balloon, just deplete of any energy... like a precariously standing Jenga game, about to tip and break all over the floor...
Shabbos cannot come soon enough.

Words

I wanna try something.

Write me a letter.

Write me a song.

Write me a poem.

Write me anything.

Make it real.

Make it fake. 

Tell me a joke.

Just use your words

(Preferably without profanity or vulgarity.)

Post it in the comments or send me an email: rachellidreyfuss@gmail.com

Whatever you write, I'll write a response to match.

Use your words. Use them wisely.

Eyes

What is it like
Behind those eyes
Those eyes
That wander
Cry
Gaze past me
Through me
Never at me
I wonder
What goes on
Inside your mind
Do you understand
Where you are
Why you are here
What you are doing?
I watch
I stare
I am mesmerized
And confused
I wish I knew
What it's like
Behind those eyes

I Accept

I accept...

That I have flaws

And faults

Too many to list

But I also have talents

So for the sake

Of acceptance

I will try.

I accept

That I am clumsy

Especially in heels.

I accept

That I am ditzy

To the point of seeming totally clueless.

I accept

That I will always be

My harshest critic.

I accept

That I am a writer, designer, editor

Producer and filmmaker.

I accept

That the innocence of children

Inspires me to ensure that it never fades.

I accept

That I would rather play Candy Land

Then pretend I enjoy being an adult.

I accept

That music is my escape

And nothing could fill that void.

I accept

That I have always been open to love

But have let too many strangers in.

I accept

That I feel too much

But sometimes, not enough.

I accept

That I will never truly accept

Everything about myself

But I also accept

That I will always try.

Midnight Snack

So, it is close to that time of year... harried days and nights doing more work than is physically and humanly possible, trying to stay awake into the wee hours of the morning.

Sigh.

I used to thrive on it. It used to make me feel alive. But now... I kinda just want to sleep.

After reading The Frumanista's Post about The Battle of the Bulge and getting more sleep, I am sold. 

During those sleepless hours when I should be sleeping, my body realizes how hungry it is and usually only junk food is readily available. Sorry, but I am not interested in a Summer 17 (pounds). So... here is to getting more sleep, eating less, and still trying to do a great job... Stay tuned for some posts written at an hour that I should never see. Ever.

It does make for good posts though...

Muscles

I am sure you are now envisioning some muscle headed gym rat bulging in all the wrong places. (And if you weren't before, I bet you are now!) But those are not the kind of muscles I want to talk about. I want to talk about Middos muscles. They get worked out whether we like it or not... sometimes we can choose... and sometimes we just have to swallow our pride and let them be worked.

Let me paint the picture for you.

It's a typical college classroom. Girls are writing notes... some are typing them... and then there is the crew in the back, eating their lunches, running out to use their cel-phones, talking incessantly, and basically just being rude and obnoxious.

Sitting somewhere toward the back is me, typing at my computer, alternating between my notes and checking Facebook. My ADD is severe so this helps.

Now, it is finals week. And suddenly, all those girls in the back who couldn't be bother to take notes because omg, it is just soooo hard, and like omg, i couldn't focus, come to me. They text me. They email me. They ask me for my (almost) meticulous notes. 

1. After I told a girl to remind me to send her notes...

 Hi.

thank you so much.

if you decide that you dont want to give them out. i totally understand!

2. From a girl who missed a class:

Hey Rachelli!

would you mind sending me Mrs. ______ notes from last class?

Thanks a ton and hatzlacha studying!!

3.  Another girl who missed class:

can u email me notes from the last 2 classes?

4. This is from a girl who misses class and doesn't take notes when she is in class:

i know im bugging you but can you email me your notes?

5. From a girl who sits in the back and pretty much is clueless about most things, doesn't take notes even when she is in class: 

Hey Rachelli! Cud u email me ur notes?

Hey! Wen u get a chance wud u b able 2 me ur notes starting after last test?

Sometimes they are nice and write me about a class I missed and if I want their notes...

6. Also I realized you weren't in class last week, if you need the notes from then I'd be happy to send you mine.

My middos muscles are screaming that I should do this, no matter how much it hurts me or irks me. So... I did it once. And then again. And then again. And then... again. A part of me wants to throw my computer at their faces for being so obnoxious. Really? You were in the classes too and you couldn't take your own notes? So now you got to distract me the whole time by talking over the teacher and I struggled to type my notes because I couldn't hear, and now you get a full, free set of notes?

And I am ready to just scream.

On the one hand, it is nice that they thought of me. It may be the only time they do. People only seem to remember me when they want something. And want another thing. And another thing.

And what do I get?

The satisfaction of helping them pass their test at the expense of my time, for having to fulfill their requests?

This is college. I wish they learned by now to take their own notes and not rely on other people.... especially when they are in the class with me and think it is ok to talk just because they aren't taking notes.

But maybe I should just deal... maybe it'll be a zechus? A segula?

Last finals are tomorrow.

Thank goodness.

What would you do in this situation? Would you just tell them it is their fault for not taking notes? Would you send them notes, thus furthering their lack of responsibility?

What do you think?

Cease Fire

No pun intended (ok, maybe a little...) but I am calling a cease fire. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and views, but my phone is buzzing like crazy.

Keep reading :)

Waiting Room

Be on time

Not that I have a choice

I'll be there

Sometime between

June and September

If I remember

Then again

How can I forget?

It isn't like

I can just ignore this

Blaring reminder

On my cel-phone

Ringing incessantly

So here I am

You aren't ready for me?

I am just supposed to wait?

Ok...

I'll wait...

Ten more minutes?

Twenty?

A week?

A month?

You must be joking

There are too many magazines

And shiny distractions

I'll just listen

To a shiur

Or some music

While I wait

I

Hate

Waiting

Oh

You are

Almost

Not

Sort of

Ready

For me?

HEY!

Why does she get to go before me?

I was here before him!

Where are your priorities?

Didn't I sign in?

Oh come on.

Not her!

Him?

Really?

This must be a joke!!!

What about me?

Did you...

Forget about me?

I don't want

To wait forever

I hate waiting.

The Real Me

I had a revelation today. A lightbulb moment. An epiphany. Whatever you want to call it, I had one. I was role-playing in my counseling class. I had prepared before so it would be as authentic as possible. I was portraying a teenager displaying risky behavior. In order to maintain authenticity, I was channeling a friend of mine who went through the things I discussed with the teacher in the "session." As it pertained to me, it was completely fictional. While this was hard because if it's not real, it is hard to fake a therapy session then. But, somehow I made it work.

My revelation came after the "session" and had no relation whatever to the content of the interaction. It had to do with the situation as a whole.

In acting as someone else, I learned more about myself then, than I have in the past few months.

And I think this quote sums up my revelation: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. (A.A. Milne)

I haven't really had a problem with public speaking or self-disclosure, but to get up and act, and to act authentically, isn't something I do on a regular basis. It was a side of me that is usually reserved for my bathroom mirror (Oh, don't look at me like that. I know you do it too.)

Something happened in that classroom, something that made me realize that there is more to me than the way I have been.

And to quote... you can either run from it, or... learn from it. (Lion King)

Now the question stands... what do I do?

Freedom

Today feels like freedom

But I see 'em

We stand on the shoulders

Of soldiers

Who shed blood

Who crawled through mud

Saw terror

Murder

And fear

They felt afraid

Our debt was paid

A thousand fold

Who could be so brave

So bold?

I try to imagine

Digging in the desert

Hiding in the heat

Hoping for the end

But never feeling beat

Struggling

Holding on

For so long

Too long

But today

We remember

Forever

And for those who fought

We have freedom

And where would we be

Without them?

As I was displaying my true patriotism yesterday, as most Americans did, by shopping, I thought about my status in this "Golden Medina". As Jews, we have many struggles not having our own homeland: keeping jobs, necessity for internet, secular influences... etc. but at the same time, we are so fortunate. While I identify myself firstly as a Jew, and a proud one at that, I am also an American. I don't know where I would be today if America didn't exist. My great grandparents came from Poland and Lithuania, Pre-War, and without this country, they may not have left Europe before the war. Where would I be without this country? So while we have a lot of "taaynos" against America, we also have a lot to be thankful, especially towards those who fought for us to have what to be thankful for. So whether you identify yourself as a Jewish American or an American Jew, Happy Memorial Day. Hope you get some great sales :)

Gun Control

Shabbos is always an interesting time for me. Since I am the youngest, and the only one still home, my parents make Shabbos plans for me. (Mostly because during the week I have no time to think about Shabbos plans. I am always shocked when I make it to Friday in one piece and relatively sane). So we tend to go to older couples who my parents are friends with. I go along, keep my mouth shut, and smile politely. But there tends to be a running theme with the Shabbos table conversations: who is dying, died, or is on the way. Divorce. Gun control. Taking care of the older generation. Gun control. Politics. Gun control.

Luckily, this tends to happen towards the end of the meal and my squirming hints to the host that I want to get out of there. Now. Before guns are drawn.

In a way, it's fascinating. And also rather disturbing. This conversation comes up so frequently, I could probably write a paper about the Jewish view towards gun control. And then again, I think about my Shabbos meals in seminary. Even if there were issues being discussed, it was laced together with a Torah perspective. Guns are just a way of life in Eretz Yisroel so no one thinks twice. After the first day, I got so used to seeing guns, I would be concerned if I saw a Chayal without his matching accessory. Now, in America, everyone grabs their pedestal and starts ranting about this thing and that thing when it comes to gun. At the Shabbos table.

I am sort of running out of patience. I get that many people don't get together with friends unless it is on Shabbos, but... doesn't the Shulchan deserve better?

What conversations come up at your Shabbos tables? How do you feel about it?

Up to the Clouds

As the end of my semester comes to a close, I am starting to feel the pressure. The stress. The anxiety. It’s building up. I am trying to find time to just wind down, space out, and not feel so focused so that I don’t completely lose it. It’s hard to find the balance between totally frying my brain and just relaxing. In seminary we learned that you can’t just “space out”. We were here for a purpose, and tuning out isn’t going to help us accomplish anything. But I digress.

A video recently went viral that has made me rethink my values and goals. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and watch:

I first saw Clouds and affect on me. Watching Zach struggle with cancer and still be able to maintain such an uplifting and positive attitude was inspiring. As he says in the video, “You don't have to find out you're dying to start living.” Life is  challenging. No one questions that. But to tune out and turn off is simply letting yourself succumb and in succumbing, you won’t succeed. Sometimes we forget how closely those two states are:

Watching this video, I am reminded of my own mortality. Zach knew that he had an expiration date on his. Less than a year or so. Me? It could be today. Tomorrow. (Hopefully, 120) I don’t know. In one of my psychology classes, we were discussing death. I, in all innocence (ok, mischeif), asked, “Why are people afraid to die?” The teacher responded, “In this classroom we could have many different reasons for each person!” I wanted to know what they were. Uncharacteristically of the class, everyone raised their hands to give their answers. Answers varied from “not having enough time,” “having to say goodbye,” “the actual moment,” “not acoomplishing everything I wanted to.”

It was intense and overwhelming. We spend so much time avoiding these kinds of conversations. When I tell people about my career choice, working with children with terminal illnesses, they cringe. Is it because of the sadness of working with a sick child or because they know they have to face their own mortality? I would venture to say it is a bit of both, but I am of the opinion that the work I will do will provide joy into that dark world and brighten an otherwise terrible situation. When you focus on living, REALLY living, death is merely just the next challenge. To quote: “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Zach embraced this. By writing and singing his songs, he left his legacy for people to learn from. Seforim epitomize this concept. The author may have passed on, but his memory is carried on forever. When we remember him, it is not for the tragedy of his death, but for the legacy of his life.

So the question is, with every challenge we must face, what legacy will you leave behind? How will you be remembered? What sort of life will you live, so that when people think of you, they think of your accomplishments and success?

Hmm..

Running

Running
Legs moving
Heart racing
Breath
Pacing
Chasing
I'd rather be
Spacing out
Or perhaps
Tuning in
Turning away from sin
Racing
To something better
Something that matters
We are running
Running always
After things
And stuff
It's none too tough
Cuz we don't dare get too rough
Keep it simple
Surface
It may be
Shallow
But I can't swallow
I can't even breathe
Cuz I am still
Running.

Pre-Game

He is coming over
It is last minute, I know
But don't stress
Seriously?
I haven't a bloody clue
How to dress
What makes you think
I am trying too hard
Or will
Let down my guard?
These heels are for protection
And I hope you will be
The sole of discretion
And please don't mention
That I put on eyeshadow
Well hello
Not quite what I expected
But don't feel rejected
You still have a chance
So speak your mind
I have yet to find
Sonething to intrigue me
And believe me
I have seen the worst
And best
Chances are
You will fall wayside
To the rest
And you have
Too quiet
Unmotivated
Out of the system
Lucky for me
I saved myself
The pain
Of having to remember your name
This was just the pre-game
And I don't have to bother
Waiting around for the show.

No Judgments

It is easy to be self-righteous. Should I tell you how? Go look in the mirror. In a few seconds, your brain will start churning and chugging, and you will see a person who is simply DA BOMB. I mean, we think like this all the time. We see other people, and out comes the rulers and scales- I am prettier, taller, smarter, better-looking... and on, and on, and on.

And then we hear about people with disorders, addictions, and problems galore. It is so easy to pass judgment, to raise ourselves up. I am guilty of it. And you probably are too.

As a psych major, I am still adjusting to hearing about people with different disorders. I think How are they like this? JUST SNAP OUT OF IT! And then... I realize we all have a little OCD inside. A little BPD. Maybe a splash of anorexia, bulimia, insomnia, depression... We are not without our flaws. I am not without my flaws. So who am I to judge others?

As of late, I have been stuck in a certain cycle. I know where it started and why it is continuing, but I am having a hard time breaking out of it. I have heard of people who went through this too and I always thought never me. And now it is happening. There are options for me to break this cycle, but as we all know, sometimes it is hard to do that. This "cycle" is dizzying and nauseating, but at the same time, there is a certain thrill to it. A rush. Exhilaration. It is the chase. The race. Fast-paced.

But it is also having a negative effect on me. So it has to stop. I don't know when it will, but I know it must end.

And in case you are worried, there is no drinking, drugs, or other questionable behavior in this picture. This isn't an issue that is exclusive to me-- like I said, many people suffer from it.

Are you trapped in a cycle? Is there something gripping your life, holding it tightly, and not allowing you free?

You are not alone. And neither am I.

If Only

Here's to days

Like today

Where the possibilities

Are endless

And plentiful

If only

We could seize every second

Hold it in our hands

And memorize

Every detail

Like little kids

Tracing the outlines

Of mommy and daddy's hands

Every dip, and contour

Ingrained deep within

If only

We lived like tomorrow

Was yesterday

And today

Was forever

If only

We forgot

What it felt like

To feel pain

Cuz it's bound to happen

Again

So we might as well

Get back up

If only

We remembered

What love was like

Cuz then we wouldn't be so scared

To try again

If only

Wishes came true

But truth be told

My only wish is you

And your happiness

If only

It was mine too.

Welcome

I've been waiting

I knew you would come

It just took you some time

Too much, I think

But now you are here

At my doorstep

In my kitchen

Dancing through

My dining room

And I,

I dance with you

Finally

We can sing

Our voices united

Our hearts

Undivided

I feel so close

So connected

So...

Unrejected...

Because finally

You are here

And this

Is real

So I'll make you a deal

Because even though

Inside I know

You have to leave

Just as quick as you came

I'll always cherish

Each moment, just the same

It's Been A While...

Hello again…

You? Really?

It's truly been a while. I've missed you!

I'm sure you have.

Well don't sound so excited… it'll give me an ego!

What do you want?

Let's talk. How have you been?

I dunno. Fine. Great. Whatever.

Wow… Call the presses! That's headline news!

Shut up.

Not when I am on a roll…

I've been… fine. Stuck? Walking through mud? Mud filled with needles. It's hard and it hurts. And you haven't been much of a help.

Well I know. You have been too busy to talk with me. I get that life is busy… but you used to be so good about checking in with me… Filling me in on the details.

The details are hazy. My life feels like I blur. If I have a second to breathe, it's only because I fell asleep.

Must be rough.

Yea.

Well look… sometime big is happening next week. You ready for it?

No. I had a whole plan. A seven week plan… I messed up. I got busy… confused. I met someone. I lost someone. I said things. I didn't say things. I read. I saw. I came… went… I didn't conquer.

Ouch… sounds like a couple of messed up weeks. What happened? I mean.. the ideal you… the good you.. She was great! She was rockin!

And now she just feels like a rock. A big, stinkin boulder that isn't getting anywhere or doing anything.

So what are you going to do? Keep wallowing? Keep sinking? That's not you. You are good-er than that!

Nice Kid President reference. If only I could listen to that on repeat… maybe I'd be good-er. But instead…

You are bad-er. Plain and simple.

Uch. I know.

So..

So.

No solutions? Response? Nothing?

I just want to disappear. Crawl into a dark cave.

Cuz that will certainly give your life some light!

Hmph.

Look. You are an incredible person. You know it. I know it. So why let yourself get any lower?  Lift up your head, see the top of the mountain, and start climbing! So you'll fall. So you'll get a little scraped up… once you reach the top, you'll be glad you did. The view is amazing.

I guess you're right..

It's true. So what are you gonna do?

Guess I better start climbing..

Yep! And when you get up there, tell Him I say hi. He'll be so happy to see you.

Thanks. I'll see you… or not.

Messages

They call it graffiti
I call it art
They call it criminal
I call it heart

Paintings on the side
Of a road to anywhere
Sometimes I wonder
If I will ever get there


Maybe it's vulgar
Or simply profanity
But whoever said
We had to subscribe to vanity?

Make it strong
Make it real
If it's honest
Then the wounds will heal

Messages that show
Promise and hope,
You aren't alone,
The world will help you cope

http://iammorley.squarespace.com/ 
Morley is a Los Angeles-based street artist that specializes in bold, typographic posters which he wheat pastes within the urban landscape. Blending humor, hope and his unique perspective on life, Morley's aim is to act as a friendly voice amongst the cacophony of billboarded messages and corporate slogans

Purge

I am sure that caught your attention, cuz it sure caught mine. I was watching a video on YouTube the other day, and as YouTube is known to do, an ad began to play. It was a trailer for a movie, which I usually skip but, something about the ominous music and post-apocalyptic text intrigued me, so I watched. And I was rather horrified.
The premise of the movie is that one night a year, America is given the opportunity to perform any of their animalistic, murderous, hate-driven tendencies. In a sense, they can purge themselves of any negative, harmful behavior. If is government sanctioned and therefore, without any repercussions, hence the name of the movie, "The Purge." As if there isn't enough horror in current events, in which people purge themselves of their evil inclinations on a regular basis, now there is a movie where the government sanctions, nay, mandates this kind of behavior. So, as the trailer plays, I, the unsuspecting viewer, witness all sorts of atrocities (murder, thievery, kidnapping.... just to name a few) all contained in the span of a story where its acceptable, in the time frame of a couple of hours. How nice.
And while watching this disgrace of a movie (really, this is the best they can produce?) (Yes, I could have turned it off, but deep down, we all have that painful urge to see something gory... why do you think it is only the horrible news that makes headlines?) Anyhow, while watching this trailer, I thought about how wise the Torah is. Yea, I am sure you can see the connection. (That was sarcasm... unless you can see the connection...)
Anyhow, the Torah was given to us for several reasons, one of those reasons being is that we should learn how to become moral, righteous individuals, holding ourselves to the highest standards. But, we were created with a Yetzer Hara, and that voice in our head can be so loud, so tempting, its hard to ignore. So, within the parameters of the Torah's commandments, there are areas in which we can allow that Yetzer Hara some free reign, while not giving ourselves over to the dark side.
For instance, if a person has a blood-thirsty nature, and murder seems to be the natural route to take, he can became a Shochet and be surrounded by blood and death all day long while still performing G-d's commandments. Done.
Or he can become a Mohel. Yay, more blood.
Another example is the Eishes Yefas To'ar- the female prisoner of war. The Torah recognizes that in the heat of a battle, the captive women look extremely appealing and a man will want her to satisfy his desires. And he can take her. Of course, that is only if he follows the Torah's protocol for doing so.
For a woman, she is inclined to beautify herself... in today's society, this means shorter skirts, tighter tops, more makeup, elaborate hair styles and high heels. In the magazines we see this and think "How untznius!" But, one of my teacher's in seminary, a regal woman who I never thought would say something like this, said, "A woman can dress like that. For sure! But for her husband. And only for him."
Something else I learned, is that for everything negative in the world, there is a positive opposite it. For every Eisav, there is Yaakov. For ever Yetzer Hara, there is a Yetzer Tov.
G-d didn't put us into this world to abstain and become monks. He gave us a world, with so much to offer, and He wants us to partake of it. But, only by His rules. In doing so, we can express our desires while fulfilling G-d's commandments, and in doing so, elevate ourselves into more spiritual beings.
So, while I don't plan on seeing the full-length movie, the trailer certainly taught me something.

Limbo

We met

In limbo

Caught between

Where we came from

And where we are

Supposed to be going

But there is no knowing

When we're gonna get there

Together

Or apart

It's not fair

To play games

Of the heart

No one wins

And everyone loses

Unless

We smash all the pieces

And break the rules

But

No one does

Just cuz

It's not done

And who wants to be

The one

Who does that?

Burning

Light

There is a light here

Something

Brighter

Than the sun

A burst

I can finally quench

My thirst

My pain

My sweat

It was worth

The hike

The night

I can finally feel

The air

It is clear

I am near

I can breathe again

The summit

Is not the end

But my beginning

I can become

Elevated

I suffocated

But now

The smoke has cleared

And all I see

Is the fire

It is brighter than the sun

It is now burning in me.

Hours

I count my days
In hours passing
Passed
Or yet to pass...
Hours to sleep,
How few they have become
Hours in class
How endless they seem
Hours til my meetings
That sneak up so quickly
Hours, hours, hours
I rack them up
Then watch them fall
Into lines, neat and clean
And so it would seem
That the hours come
The hours go
Until there is nothing more
For me to know
Hours...
Hours...
H...o...u...r...s..

My Baby

Don't take my sunshine away

Why would you

Take my baby

And bury her

Beneath your demands

Your expectations

Well,

I have them too

I have them

Because of you

You showed me kindness

You showed me care

So kill my baby?

You wouldn't dare

You say

She isn't worth the investment

The time or money

Honey

This baby is mine

I would give my last dime

To give her the best chance

Her best shot

At getting another dance

One more spin

One more win

Give up your ego

Take one for the team

How can someone so kind

Become so cruel and mean?

If you pull out

There is no force in the world

That could silence my shout

For a change

To take away what you've done

If you put us down

We will rise again

This will not stand
My baby deserves better
And if you don't let her
Then I guess you win
And my baby has no reason to live
So the blood will be on you
When my baby is gone

Your Smile

Lately it seems
That something's amiss
No band-aid can fix
And it can't be cured by a kiss

Yet somehow
You are smiling so wide
And really I have to ask
This question: why?

Do you smile
Cuz you feel joy?
Or are you tricking me
Trying to be coy?

Has someone granted you
Your deepest wish
Or are you trying to hide
Your heartbreaking anguish?

Is it real
Or have you fooled us all
If I asked for an answer
Would answer my call?

Just tell me please
Are you really happy like you say
Or are you just trying to cover up
Until the pain goes away?

Bliss

A sweet reminder

Amidst the chaos

A gentle touch to say

That all is not loss

I inhale

Let it consume me

It fills me up

And through darkness, I can see

Every moment of stress

Every frustration just fades away

As every part of me

Melts into this day

I've lost myself

As I try to find who I am

I lose my balance

When I should be learning to stand

Yet despite it all

I know I can come back to this

And for once

I can reside in bliss.

Insanity and Tragedy

As I was typing the title, my blog post immediately changed. Despite its validity, suddenly my pain feels trivial... small... How can I feel so down on my life when true tragedy struck? As a Jew, I am not unaccustomed to terror. It rips through me when I hear about attacks in Israel. It's MY family. It's MY brother/sister/father/mother. It hits my heart. But today, terror hit my home. And it hit even closer, because it was close to something I identify with. There are few and far things in today's society that really speak for the strength of an individual and for a group, for the determination of accomplishment in a purer sense than what people believe is a real goal. A marathon is one of those things that draw people together towards a common goal, whether to reach the finish line or to raise money for a cause. I ran the Miami marathon for Team Lifeline a few years ago, and to say it was the most incredible experience of my life would be an understatement. There is something about a marathon, as physical as it may be, that simply elates me.
And for hundreds today, that elation became destruction. In a moment where personal and collective achievements would have been met, they were introduced to an even fiercer force- evil.
There is no other word for it. It simply was an act of evil. An action so devoid of anything good.  It created a scene of insanity. It brought about the most horrid tragedy.
And so, while I may be feeling upset about certain things, my pain is being put on hold and my heart is going north... I stand with those who were in the marathon. I stand with the runners, the warriors, the fighters....

To those affected by the explosions, I say, “Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up.”

Home

I wrote this last year while on a bus to Tel Aviv... as the gorgeous scenery and land passed me, I was just simply overwhelmed... I can't wait to go back home...

Palm trees

Waving at me

In the early

Spring breeze

My heart

Be still

This pounding

Bounding

Burning desire

Inner fire

To go higher

My dream

May seem

Unreal

But I'm home

In the land

Of Israel

And so my heart

Cannot unstart

This expression of affection

And beats louder

Prouder

For home

Milk and honey sweet

Home

Get Going

Keep it real

Get real

Get going

Grow up

Stop playing

Stop saying.

For G-d's sake

Start praying

Why are you here

Why are you going there

Come back

Go away

Why'd you say

It would stay the same

I call your name

And you don't reply

I know it was a lie

You're gone

I went along

For some reason

Which reason can't know

I still can't explain

Why I ever let you go.

Measure Up

I watched them come

Measuring tapes in hand

Microscopes

And little notes

Trying to determine

The perfect fit

As the rest stood

On pedestals

Of acheivements

And failures

(But we don't mention those)

A showcase

Who would place?

And who would lose

Would they choose

The one on the left

Or the one on the right?

The one with the past

Or the one who got past

Their strict system

But if you missed em

Consider yourself lucky

Until the next round.