Sunday, March 7, 2010

Unable to Speak

I wrote this after I lost my voice. It was one of the toughest days I've ever experienced. I felt totally at a loss for all the things I couldn't say. I spent the day, trying to make myself heard and I just couldn't! For someone like me, who loves to talk and could go on for hours and hours, it was actually painful. To not be heard, to not be able to speak... that was a physical manifestation of lack of speech...
A mental lack of speech is just as difficult. I am more than able to say these things, my vocal chords could string together any combination of words that I wish to say in order to convey a message. But my mind... and my heart won't let me. I am so tongue-tied and twisted, it's embarrassing. Of all the times in the world to not be able to speak, I am so sorry it happened when I needed to speak the most. When I desperately needed to relieve some of the pain and hurt I feel.
And there is what to say about not being able to say anything. When opportune moments pass all you want to do is scream about how much you just wanted to be able to say the things on your mind! I felt it... I was a coward. I passed up the chance to tell you how I feel... Fear... how controlling... I wish I could just tell you, face to face, without all these blocks on my mind... lack of sleep, again, fear, wonderment and cowardly feelings. I missed the chance... I hope it comes again soon.
So here, this is what I have to say about not being able to say anything... I hope you hear what I can't convey in words outloud. Maybe one day I'll be able too.

Have you ever lost the ability to speak?

Your can’t say what you want,

Because your voice has become pathetic and weak,

And those who can speak, just stand and taunt.


It’s a restriction,

One so powerful and great,

It’s an affliction,

One that no one can relate.


It’s hopelessly empty,

When no one can hear,

You can always be seen,

But it’s as if you’re not there.


Because you can’t speak your mind,

You can't voice your opinion,

And no one can be sure to find,

You feel so out of place, so entirely foregone.

It’s desperately hard when you can’t speak your mind.


It hurts to talk,

Because you have no voice,

It’s either smile, or walk,

It’s your only choice.


Chained up with no way out,

Because you can’t utter a word,

It is impossible to scream or shout,

And you want to speak, but you can't be heard.


It’s lonely and secluded,

In this emptiness,

That seems so deluded,

And so impossible to express.

2 comments:

  1. I recently lost my voice (combination of a cold, sore throat and working too hard) and now I can so relate to what you wrote here!! I felt so limited and cut off!!

    ReplyDelete

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