Presenting....

As production season gets into full swing, here are just some of my feelings about it... (and the fact that I just watched an incredibly intense production video...)

The pressure is on
Can you feel hearts racing?
Everyone is watching,
Everyone is waiting...

Don't you see
The flustered faces
The rushed thoughts thinking,
"Can't we be in other places?"

Does everyone have to see
As we falter and fake it
While secretly praying
That we perform and make it

The stage is set
The script has been written
And we're waiting patiently
For our cue to begin

Action is called
We line up in our formation
Nothing can compare
To our inner exhilaration

Weeks of preparation
Have brought us to this day
Once the curtain closes
This will be a memory, fading away

So let's make it the best we can
We'll put on a show never before seen
We'll show the audience
That we could be on the silver screen

Our dreams of perfection
Are as vast as the very stage we perform on
And as every seat is taken, we hold our breath
As the music is cued and the curtain is drawn...


(Ooooooooh)

Waxing Poetic (Simply Inspired)

I should be studying, but as usual, I am procrastinating. Seriously hoping for a snow day, which is usually a lost cause because its already been jinxed. Oh well. Instead, I want to share a poem, of something, about someone, or anything in between... Oh what to write...

I love the feeling that surges through my veins
When something great is accomplished when all hope was lost
Because somehow those great deeds could only be done
At the highest price, a most miserable cost.

The pieces gathered together, all neat and aligned
So kindly and so sweet they fell into place
Now to others who only saw sadness in me
See a bright, beaming smile in its place.

Perhaps waiting is tortuous
Yes, no one wants to pass the time waiting
How true are these words for a student who has a deadline
Or a young girl who is dating

But time has this funny way
Of showing us that this is all for our good
So we do as we're told
And follow nicely like we should

And somehow all those little parts
That were randomly thrown askew
Come together like the notes of a song
And reveal depth, and beauty to show they are true.

Waxing graceful poetics
On my side of the screen
Do you understand my happiness?
Do you know what I mean?

The hand that is guiding us
Holding us close and tight
Has all the answers and pieces
And only He knows what's right

So He's putting together the puzzle of our lives
Careful to be sure that the pieces are properly placed
And if we mess up, cuz sometimes we do
Who says we can't fix our mistakes with some paste?

:D


I guess you could say this poem is a jumble of thoughts. My mind has been all over the place I am kind of amazed I could write something semi-coherent/poetic... Does anyone get it?
Basically, I am pretty happy right now. Despite the confusion and pressure, things are coming together...

I Recycled Myself!

I gave blood today! And I learned a lot from the experience! So I wanted to share it with you! (Pardon my exclamation points--really excited and kinda loopy :D)

1. It is so sad the questions they have to ask you and the information you have to read prior to giving blood. Has society stooped so low that the basic reading information should have an X-Rated warning on the front? I think not! But, as we live in Galus, what I read is common practice... How pathetic... Ok, now a bit of a rant--are people so sick they can't control their physical urges that put their lives and others in danger?? I feel so disgusted after reading what was in that booklet, I could barely read the rest of it... (but I skimmed it cuz they make you read that thing... but seriously, a little warning would be appreciated for us BY girls who like to keep our little bubbles intact and not muss up our neshamos. Oish)

2. You only are as afraid as you make yourself. Life shouldn't be based on fear. All I heard before I gave blood is needles, sharp, ow! and passing out afterwards... But I set my mind to not be afraid... and if I can use that mindset with giving blood, why not use it with life in general? I was in good hands when I gave blood... I am in good hands every day. Hashem is taking care of me. Whoa. Epiphany. When you have HaKadosh Baruch Hu guiding you every day, why be scared? Can't think of a better hand to hold...

3. Even scary experiences can be fun! I think there is more negative hype about giving blood than positive! (Haha, positive... negetive... didnt mean to be so punny... i think lacking a pint of blood has boosted my humor... unless this is bad humor, in which case... I'll stop now) I mean, yes, it's a little disturbing to see bags of blood hanging around and people being poked with needles (I watched the guy next to me get stuck.. he didnt look like he was handling it too well :P ), when you think about it, its an awesome thing! By giving blood, that gives the potential for a life to be saved! A sick child that needs a transfusion, someone who was in an accident... Wow... it's pretty incredible.

The final thing I learned from giving blood: I feel like Superman! Ok, that's my ego talking, but I can't help it. I am pretty happy :D

(Pardon my rant-y-ness and rambling, it was a busy night!)

A Belated Chanukah Present For You

Cuz I finally got a Round Tuit!!

A Little Worry...

The same conversation plays every week
It's happened so often
I have learned to just not speak.

But inside my head I am reeling and screaming
Can't this just be one of those times
When I am just dreaming?

I close my eyes to block out the noise
I calm myself down
And appear content and poised

These conversations me nervous and sweat
And all of the rantings and ravings
Sound like a deadly threat

What I hear won't happen anytime soon
But all of their arguments and chatter
Certainly make me want to fume

I've learned to keep my mouth closed
To keep quiet and nod my head dutifully,
And once again, what I am feeling won't be exposed

It makes me just a little nervous, my future is at stake
I hold back the tears
And mustering a smile, I try so hard not to break

Chanukah: Renewing Strength

In the days of our history's past
They tried to tear us down.
Learning Torah and keeping mitzvos
We could not be found

Tiny sparks kept us going
Would we let these idol worshippers win?
Would we let their obsessions and hatred
Cause us to sin?

We gathered a small army
To fight back and redeem our home
With quick attacks
We saved what was our own

Tiny flames soon lit up our lives
Once again we reclaimed our former splendor
Eight days of light burning bright
Taught us we could never surrender

And now, we have our own enemy
That is ready to rip us apart
He is so coy and cunning
Poised to strike us at the heart

He lurks in our friendships,
Where we shop and learn
But it is up to make our inner glow
Grow stronger and continue to burn

We won't succumb to the terrors of today
The society we live in has influence us to bend
Our beliefs, we let grow weak at times
But if we stand strong, our emuna won't come to an end

Hashem, we do our hishtadlus
To live strong, proud lives,
Helps us to achieve,
Until Melech HaMoshiach arrives!

Yimos HaMoshiach

Pain filled days
And distressing sorrows
No longer fill our lives
For we are living in the
Bright light of tomorrow.

The moment has finally arrived
Moshiach is here
With a shofar blowing
And dancing in the streets
His presence has destroyed all fear.

Sickness has been banished
War has been destroyed
All that is left is Hashem’s glory
Radiating through the world
And His goodness to be enjoyed.

Years of tragedy and death,
Mingled with tears and crying
With his grand entrance
He has erased all destruction
On wings, we are flying

We are free to be
Children of Hashem
Never afraid, never alone
For all fears and loneliness
Have come to an end.

Finally we have home,
With Torah permeating within
Eretz Yisroel lights up with its grandeur
An incredible awakening of Hashem’s everlasting reign
Can now finally begin.

Tightrope Walker

Stretched so far
The tightrope walker begins
The trek across
A rope so thin.

The crowd below
Watch the show
Where will the tightrope walker go?
Does even she know?

Right foot, left foot,
Slowly across the rope
The audience cheers
So she is filled with hope.

Then the walker slips
And nearly falls
But the audience doesn't care
So to who can she call?

Back again, she steadies herself
And suddenly the audience sees
Because now her show,
To the audience, it pleases.

And then, just like that
She falls, plummeting down,
And no one even cared
To pick the tightrope walker off the ground.


Is it worth it to make everyone else happy when I am only torturing myself?

One Day We'll Fly Away

Sometimes I dream

Of floating through the sky

Like a free balloon

That was released so high

I dream of soaring through the clouds

Reaching the heights that were once not allowed

I dream of swimming through the vast blueness above

I dream of being in a place that I love

I wish to watch the world

From the top looking down

I wish I could see the reasons

For all that occurs on the ground

I want a panoramic view

I really just want a clue!

I want to know why things happen in this world

I want all the secrets to be revealed and unfurled

“Does this really affect others?”

“Will I always remain stuck and the same?”

“Is there an explanation for why,

I play such a twisted, painful game?”

“Will we ever be released from this exile?”

“How much longer is ‘a while’?”

“How much longer can we witness the pain of others,

Our dearest fathers, mothers, sisters and brother?”

Yes, I dream of the impossible,

And my wish is just an impractical desire,

But if this tiny little wish can give me a glimpse of hope,

I think I’ll be able to hold lift my heart and soul higher.

I feel so stuck, down here on earth,

Because all this pain? What’s its worth?

Yet, I still believe I’ll soar towards the sky

And no longer will I be left to sigh.

In my heart and mind, I am flying to You,

Can You hold my hand as I start the countdown,

With you by my side, I am confident

That I won’t have to wait around.

I supposed I’ll have to be content

To just wishing for this day

But soon, I will be that fluttering balloon,

And one day, we’ll all fly away.

Over Shabbos...

Over Shabbos, I learned three things:

1) Fish is much more appetizing when presented in small quantities... not an entire salmon placed onto the table in which everyone sticks their fingers into. Gross.

2) Whenever I see a Chassidish Rebbe, the only thing that runs through my mind is He must be an Israeli government conspirator in disguise sent to radically turn the Chareidi community against each other!!! (This is what happens when you read too many Jewish novels.... every Rabbi is part of some worldwide plot to destroy the Jews. Oish.)

3) Even when surrounded by friends at a Simcha, it is possible to feel alone. Sigh.

Aside from those three things, I had a nice Shabbos. Slept. A LOT. And read (Escape From India, Avigayil Myzlik... good book if you want something a little less mainstream but with some typographical errors... but the plot's is good... and true!), which always makes me happy!

And to illustrate number 3....

A Smile

Every smile means something

No matter what you mean

It shows you can fight your demons

No matter how obscene

A smile can mean you’re trying

Even if it’s fake

It shows you have will power

That can never crack or break

A smile can mean you’re happy

Over hearing some good news

Happiness isn’t a right

But a way of life you choose

A smile can mean you’re sad

But holding back the tears

Although you’re torn up inside

You’re masking all your fears

A smile shows your strength

When you’re feeling weak inside

A smile shows the world

That you will never hide

A smile teaches bravery

The power to stand tall

It’s an inner beauty, so powerful

That will never be considered small

Hide and Seek I

There is only You
Somehow I can't find
Still seeking, counting outloud
One day soon the day will come
One day I will be free
To serve You, to love You
My closest friend
You seem so far away
I just want to know that You are here
So I fight, I struggle to find
I hear Your voice,
Now where is your face, your presence revealed
So obvious to see
Come out from Your hiding place
Wherever that may be
I am counting outloud
Can't you hear me searching?

Thanks for Nothing

I don't want to bother you
I just really need to talk
I'll try to keep it short
Because I know you're pretty busy
I don't want to take too much
Of you your time, but I am really hurting.
I've been smiling (or at least trying to)
Even though I want to cry
People believe I am true
But I feel so fake and I--
You have to go?
Ok. Nice talking to you
Thanks...
For nothing.

(I really don't know how much more of this I can take. Everyone is going to tell me it's a test and you're strong and you're going to pass and blah blah blah. I wish everyone would stop lying to me. I know you're reading this. SO WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME? i... hate... everything...)

Update: I asked you if you could find me a ride. You said you couldn't and I was fine with that, but don't tell me you know of another one but "they don't want to take people with them," because that doesn't help me out very much. You don't know it, but I cried after we hung up. I cried because you are in your own happy little world that you don't have any idea how much I am hurting without you... but now I don't even know if I want you around even though for so long that's all I wanted.

Crossing Bridges and Safe In His Arms

Today is a double day, hooray hooray!

"There are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed."

I am walking across a bridge
And in the fog of the unknown I can't see the other side
What lies in front of me is blurred and obscure
I can't understand why my own future has to hide!

So I step forward overwhelmed with fear and trepidation
What lies below is miles and miles down
I am so scared to slip and fall
Plummeting to my death on the ground

So I hold on to the sides, to whatever I can
But I AM READY TO LET GO!
I am so worn out and tired
Of trekking across this bridge into the unknown.

I keep holding on, though it hurts so bad
What else can I do? This is what is expected
To keep up my spirits and keep trying
Even when I feel depresses or dejected.

So aren't you proud of me?
That I held on throughout this ordeal
But I keep praying, hoping to wake up
And find out that none of this is real...

I have heard about bridges crossed,
But are bridges burned one and the same?
How much longer can I pretend
That I finished playing this twisted game??

I am holding on, hoping to find safety,
Perhaps I have almost reached the other side
And again, I have to ask, if this is my life
Why does my future have to hide?


Safe In His Arms
In his arms
Safe, protected,
Cared for
And he is,
concerned beyond comprehension
"Are you ok?"
"I am here for you!"
"Please come to me."
Someone to talk to
To turn to
When I feel lost, abandoned
Alone and scared
When I feel broken
And forgotten.
There he is.
Waiting for me,
To come to him.
Is this what Hashem's love
Feels like?

(PS. I really need to stop living in my dreams....)

Prisoner

I’m a prisoner,

Trapped behind these stone walls,

I cannot remain forever,

For the outside world does call.

It calls, it beckons, it begs,

For me to come and dance with the trees,

To come and laugh with the animals,

And sing along with the breeze.

It’s hard to imagine,

Life continuing this way,

Stuck inside these stone walls,

With not a protest to say.

It’s like a fever,

That burns with such passion,

To want to be outside this prison,

I cannot sit still, I must take action.

The leaves sway gently,

Mocking my inability to leave,

For how long must I wait here?

For how long must I grieve?

My heart feels light with the desire to escape,

It’s a desperate yearning I can't control,

I wish to join the outside world,

To finally please my soul.

The cool breeze is a reminder of my part,

When life was so carefree and joyous,

But now it seems so dark,

Those days long ago, I sorely miss.

When I didn’t need to worry,

And with the world, I could play,

I’d take life’s hand close to me,

And together we’d run away.

The warm air was my drug,

And to it I was so addicted,

It filled my heart with happiness,

I’d run around so freely and act just like a kid.

The world is many colors.

But all my days seem grey,

Because I want nothing more,

That to just run far away.

There are people on the inside,

Who continuously drive me insane,

They complain like children.

But what do they have to gain?

I can smile, for sometimes I feel elated,

I can shed tears, for sometimes I feel down,

But I will try so hard,

To turn my spirits around.

Throughout this life,

I have continuously found,

That it only takes one single word,

To turn it all around.

The prison may hold me,

As a captive each day,

But I’m relieved to know,

That soon it will go away.

The lessons they teach me,

Are one’s that are for life,

That will help me later

So I’ll learn them without complaint or strife.

The days may be long,

But I’ll try not to despair,

I’ll longingly away that day,

When I can get drunk on the outside air.

Knowledge

When I found this, I realized I had to post it. It so aptly describes so much of how I feel lately. So here you go...

Life made more sense,

When I didn't know it all,

When my breadth of knowledge,

Was tiny and small.

The more I know,

The more I want to hide,

The more I understand,

The more I want to keep it inside.

It hurts to try,

To find reason in confusion,

When soon it will just blow up

In a veritable explosion.

Waiting

I am waiting for you
I know you will come
The time will come
When all this pain will be undone

Until that day
I am waiting patiently for you
To show me all the things
That you can do.

I am waiting for you to show me
Love, care and affections,
The words and guidance I need
To go in the right direction.

I know I am not doing too well,
So I am waiting for your advice
I'll listen like I should
If you speak to me nice

Waiting is an awful thing
Which is why it hurts so much more
Are you the friend I am friends with now
Or someone from my life before?

Either way, I am waiting for you now
The one who can help me out
To show me the ropes, the ways
And what life is all about.

So I am waiting
For you, and only you
I don't know who you are
So I am waiting...
Patiently...
Can't you see?

It's Coming

A man was walking in the forest, through the bleakness and darkness, groping to find his way. There was no light. It was raining, no, it was pouring and the man had no shelter, couldn't see, and had no idea what to do. Suddenly, a flash of lightning lit up the sky, so bright it was like day. And in those .2 seconds, the man saw the path he needed to take. If he didn't hold onto that image of the path lit up in his mind, he would remain lost forever....

This past summer, R' Matisyahu Solomon's wife had a heart attack and was hospitalized. While saying tehillim next to his wife's bed, R' Solomon fell asleep and had a dream. In his dream, R' Ahron Kotler came to him and said, "If you remain in Lakewood Ad Bias Go'el Tzedek then you're wife will have a refuah shelaima."

What does this mean? What does any of this mean?

My teacher explained, that this meant Moshiach will come in the days of R' Matisyahu Solomon! It could be today, tomorrow or in five, ten, fifteen years but Moshiach is coming! And so, if he is coming, if he is on his way, are we in the right place to greet Melech HaMoshiach?

As I think about this more, I can't help but be ready to change. And I will. I have already begun, but I know that I am not ready to greet Moshiach. There is so much I need to do to work on myself. So I start today with something concrete TO HOLD ONTO THIS FLASH OF LIGHTNING, this INSPIRATION of what my teacher told me about the COMING OF MOSHIACH! How can I not do anything???

So, here goes....

Text Friends Forever

I write lol
Because what else is there to say
When you tell me in earnest
That you had a god awful day

I type in JK
When I really do mean
All those things written previously
That you see on your screen

I really don’t mean it
When I write kk
You think I am all right
With those rude things you say?

I understand perfectly well
That you gtg
But are you so blind
That you really cant see?

I cant stand when
We must rely on abbreviations
In order to prolong
Our non existent conversations

We try so hard
To make each line last
In order that another quick phrase
Will have the privilege to pass

I’ll ttyl
And you’ll sys
I just don’t think
That is for the best

Because we have never met
Each others faces we have never seen
Maybe we have but you’re still just a faceless stranger
That I read on my screen

So perhaps one day
we’ll rotfl together
and reminisce about the day when
our naiveté was engraved forever.

Hidden By Shadows

A small sapling,
Stands alone,
Amongst a forest of trees,
Already grown.

Shadowed by branches,
Trapped without light
The struggling sapling,
Knows only of night.

Fighting for air
To see the blue sky
The small sapling
Begins to cry

I am so small
With no around
I am just a weak twig
Sticking out of the ground

He begs to the silence
To be set free
The sapling is desperate to become
A proud, strong tree

The sapling begs
To grow so tall
How much longer
Must this sapling remain small

The forest around him
Is distant, aloof and seperate
This weak little sapling
Just doesn't seem to fit

So why bother
Will I ever grow strong?
I have been trying so hard
For so very long

I have no sunlight
The rain doesnt reach my roots
My sadness is forever
Could anyone dispute

The small sapling struggles
To survive anothe day
Will this pain and and these difficulties
Ever be ok?
Will they ever go away?

One More Chance (Working Title)

Current Date and Time: November 9, 2009 2:55 PM Eastern Time
Current Word Count: 20,663
Words to Go: 29,337
Days Remaining: 21

Three girls... three secrets...

When life circumstances get in the way of the hopes and dreams of three teenage girls, can they fight their inner battles and emerge victorious?
Rivky, recently diagnosed with a medical condition, refuses to let her new found illness get the better of her. She won't let it stop her from accomplishing her goals and projects and certainly won't let it change the way her friends think of her... so she simply doesn't tell them. Will the pain of being sick make her confess her secret...Or will the mounting pressure to simply hide being sick cause her to go over the edge?

When Chavi discovers her brother is sliding down a slippery slope, she takes matters into her own hands, sabotaging his escape plans, attempting to foil is dangerous dealings, all the while trying to remain steadfast in her belief that this is all for the best. Can she save her brother from a disastrous fate? Or will she lose herself in the process?

Lonely games are what Etty plays bests. She knows how to hide her feelings of loneliness, wearing a mask of happiness to fool everyone. Through her art she reveals bits and pieces of what is going on in her mind which seems to be her only way to channel out her overwhelming emotions that just keep building up. But time is running out on Etty's emotional clock and she ready to explode. How much longer can she ignore her feelings and finally admit that she isn't as happy or strong as she appears?

Three friends, struggling to make it through their junior year, learn that there is more to life than what goes on in their own world. Together they bridge the gaps that have opened between them and manage to find answers to the questions that haunt them every day.

What Comes With?

A man was called
To stand before the king.
He came to his friend,
Fearful and worried.
His friend, with great tact and love said,
"Well, good luck! Can't come with you,
But, you know... enjoy!"

The man, dejected and upset,
Went to another friend,
His eyes brimming with tears.
This friend said, "I understand,
And I want to help you.
I will walk you to the gates,
But that is as far as I can go."

Finally, the man went to a third friend
Feeling somewhat hopeful,
But not entirely placated.
This friend, with a fire in his eyes told the man,
"I will take you to the end.
I will hold your hand
While you stand before the king.
Don't be afraid.
I'll be with you. I won't leave you."

The man went to the king.
He waved goodbye to his first friend-
He wasn't coming with.
He walked with his second friend,
But parted at the gate of the palace.
He went in with the third friend,
And they held hands before the king.


I keep hearing this mashal in many forms, in many places, from many people. The nishmal is as follows.
After 120 years, we are called before the King. Scared, we cling to our possessions, we hold on to our material wealth. But sadly, the money earned, the clothing bought and the electronics used, don't come with us. They wave goodbye as we go into the next world.
But we don't make our way to Shamayim alone. Our friends, our family, accompany us as far as they can go. The levaya is their way of taking us to the gate, they take us to the grave, and wave goodbye, for that is as far as they can take us.
So what accompanies us before the King if our possessions are left behind and our friends can't go pass the gates?
Our mitzvos. Our deeds, our actions, our tefilos, our tzedaka. That is what takes us before Hashem. Our mitzvos hold our hand, they refuse to let go. The more mitzvos we have, the stronger their hold is, the more comforting they can be for us when we stand before Hashem on Yom HaDin.

I dont know about you, but this really spoke to me. Sure, while we are on this earth, we buy things, we earn money... but if we don't use those things for mitzvos, they are worth nothing. if we don't donate our used clothes to a gemach, or give maaser from our earnings, then those things are worth nothing! And during our life, we make friends, and accquanitices, we have a family, siblings, relatives, and as much as they love us, they can only accompany us to the gates. Once we go into the grave, that's it. After we are buried our friends can't go with us! Only if we comfort our friends, help them when they are need, learn torah with someone or refuse to listen loshon hara, can our friends "go with us." The mitzvos we gain through our friendships are the only thing that will speak for us before Hashem. Our mitzvos our the only things that will stand with us before Hashem.

After 120, don't you want someone to hold your hand before Hashem?

Wow!

Wow. I don't think my mind could move any faster with all that is racing through it right now. I have had questions on bitachon and emuna but how can I not believe when Hashem pulls through for me every single time. (DF, here's looking at you...)
Just today, if I didn't look close enough, I could have passed it off as good fortune, but things could not have gone better despite their difficulties... all because of one hand..
I am getting in that figurative car of life, and going!
Great things about today (i have decided this will be my second shtick. Share your own good tidings, I love hearing good news!)
1. good test mark
2. accomplishments with CL
3. Shmoooooooooooooooooooooooooozed with ES
4. Have an interviewee for my English paper! (Thanks Freeda)
5. I HAVE A DATE! (No... not that kind....)
6. S is coming home!

And even not today. BH this has been an amazing week. And like I just heard, man has a funny way of messing with happiness, and I very nearly did it. I was ready to fall into that sadness that I have been fighting, but I kept hoping, kept looking up, and guess what... Hashem was looking down at me with love and care and decided to help me out.... (once again DF...)

So... even when things are bad... if you talk to Hashem, you will trust in Hashem...

Have a fabulous Shabbos everyone! And thanks to Freeda's comment, I am going to find ways to enhance my Shabbos to the fullest. I wish the same for you!

Indecisive

Ok, I'll fess up. I am indecisive. I can't decide what to eat, wear, say... And when I do choose something, I like to choose the alternative whenever possible. I just can't make up my mind! I want noodles... no, salad... I JUST WANT FOOD! And when it comes to blogging... well, if you check my blog often enough, you'll be sure to see at least four different posts in one day, but only one will make it to the final cut. (Which is probably why I have about twenty draft posts because I can't decide what to publish and what not to ie. too personal, not coherent, really random, ultra depressing... catch my drift? But of course, in the grand scheme of things, this post is personal, but I am sharing it anyway just for general FYI)

I can't decide what books to read... it looks good, but the content is questionable, so I start and BH I am pretty good at screening my books, even if it seems good, and I will close it. I have done this before even when I really wanted to read the book.

I can't decide who to call. Who should i call to: cheer me up, shmooze, learn a bit with, tell a good joke, share some sorrows. I just can't choose!

People have told me before that I am indecisive. I feel like tug-o-war is being played in my head. back and forth, back and forth, left or right, up or down, WELL WHICH ONE IS IT? BH, in the end, I can usually choose whatever is best, but not after a ten minute mental debate with myself.

So, I just thought you should all know, I am indecisive... but proud of it because then I really can get down to the raw, bare details of anything, figure out the pros and cons and BOOM! A good choice... It just takes a while and a whole lot of talking to myself... (don't worry, I am not crazy... but if I start answering myself back, you might want to call the men in white coats... happens to be, they are my good friends :D )

So, my name is "Rachelli" and I am indecisive. Nice to meet you...


Or is it?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And now, because this seems to be my shtick, I would like to share a poem with you and I would *LOVE* if you comment on this one, because I would like the feedback about... well... read and find out!

Just a question, so honest and true,
Hit me in the face, smack of the blue,
“What do you like to do to enhance your Shabbos
And to make your Rosh Chodesh special, let’s discuss!
Can you answer me about these two?”

“Well friend, what is this for?”
I asked her, hinting towards more
Why is she asking me this question today?
Is it for an article or survey?
How will she mark me, will I score?

“It’s just for me, I am curious to know
So when I am big and all grown
I can use it for my family, to teach each child
That these special days are worth our while
So give me an answer, let’s go!”

I think to myself, why this hasn’t crossed my mind
Before, why is it that in my head, an answer I cant find!
Shouldn’t this be something I think about each week,
Each month and now an answer I can’t speak!
I wish that I could reply to her in kind!

So I stumble along, to make up something to say
But this should be something I think about each day!
Shabbos occurs every week no matter what
But I can’t get my mind out of this rut
And I just wish I could run away!

I made up something, a little random, I should add
And now I can’t help but feeling just a drop sad
Why don’t I have something readily prepared?
When she asks, “about your Shabbos/Rosh Chodesh enhancement, care to share?”
So now I got it in my mind to find something to make these days grand!

Maybe to more conscious of the way I speak
Than how I do normally during the week
Perhaps I’ll visit a friend who I normally don’t see
Cuz we don’t get a chance when rushing through school so speedily
I am going to find some special and unique!

Maybe I’ll daven just a little bit longer
And make my connection with Hashem a bit stronger
Or I will make it a point to always read my ‘Parsha Views’
Because it teaches me all I need to know about being a good Jew
And with these ideas, my answer won’t be a vague blur!

So share with me your ideas please,
Let’s unlock the Shabbos/Rosh Chodesh potential with our original keys!
If we can find one thing to enhance these days
Perhaps we can pull Klal Yisroel out of this Galus haze
Come let’s grab this opportunity, together, we’ll achieve!

All Work, No Play

Out the door
I gotta go
Where's my coffee
Does anyone know?

Down the hall
Zooming past
I cant be late
To my next class

Running quickly
Rushing by
Can't catch my breath
I'm on the fly

"What time did you go to sleep?"
"Oh maybe half past two!"
"Man, that's late,
How much 'homework' did you get to do?"

"See you later!"
"I'll be there soon!"
"I haven't eaten,
Since last afternoon!"

Life of a teenager
A student, a friend
Sure, it's tough
Can't wait to know what's around the bend!

Wally WORLD!

Since I seem to have writers/"bloggers" block, I just wanted to share this. I think it has a incredible message...
Which will probably lead me to the other part of the Candy Man post sometime soon..

Lessons on Life Learned in Math Class

The nice weather the other day got me to thinking about how math and life are a lot alike. I wrote it down and wanted to share it with y'all (that's my southern accent if you couldn't tell)
Really, I am posting it more for me. I really need the chizuk right now, and if anyone has more to share, feel free!

Lessons On Life Learned in Math Class

1. There is logic to everything
a. to every math problem there is an answer, even if I don’t know it

b. to every life situation there is a reason for its occurrence, even if I don’t understand it

2. One things builds on another
a. if I don’t understand variables, I cant solve inequalities (which happens to be what I am learning in math now)
b. If I don’t know how to accept mussar or chizuk, I’ll never know how to overcome challenges

3. There are tools to help
a. If need be, I can use a calculator, protractor, ruler etc. so solve problems
b. One word: Torah

4. There is always someone who will know more than me
a. There will be times when I won’t know how to answer. When that times comes, I can ask my teacher for help
b. Times of trial are inevitable. When these situations arise, there is only one person I can to turn to for help. Hashem

Through The Years

On a shelf
Way up high
Rests a book
That saw you cry

Crinkled pages
Stained with tears
Bear witness to the use
Endured through out the years

Rips and tears
Color each page
This small book
Saw you grow and age

It saw your happiness
Your appreciation and love
As your soul expressed thanks
To the One Above

On another shelf
Encased in glass
Is a similar book
That time did pass

Events and moments
Just flew right by
Time never stopped
To wave and say hi

This other book
Did not have a part
For its crisp, clean pages
To open up someone’s heart

Yes, it’s cover
Is smooth and new
And the words inside
Are just as true

But this book
Never did show
That someone up high
Is listening to all you disclose

Truthfully, both books
Are essentially the same
But one was a source
Of comfort during pain

The clean, fresh pages of the other
Are precious and good
But those unused pages
Did not achieve all they could

That one that’s worn
Looks overworked and abused
But it only serves as a testimony
To how lovingly it was used!

Roller Coaster

I was looking for this for a while... I wrote it a while back but because I can't write anything else without getting frustrated/overwhelmed/AAAHHH!! I am going to post this... It has a deeper message... And if you find it, let me know! I wrote it with one in mind, but if you find another one, comment... Always looking for more chizuk.(seemed very appropriate to post this after i read this on another blog... well worth looking at for a new perspective)

Life is a roller coaster,
It has its ups,
It has its downs,
Every moment is a thrill to behold,
But no matter what,
Don't ever let go,
Because some parts of the ride,
May scare you,
Some parts may shock you,
But more often,
Most parts will fill you with joy,
With excitement,
With that endless need,
To know what will happen next,
So how could you possibly let go,
When around the bend,
Pass the loop-de-loop,
Is a new adventure.
And when the ride stops,
You are only filled with that burning passion,
The unquestionable wondering of,
What will happen next?
Which ride, which excitement,
Will i take part in?
And when you leave the park,
And enter the world,
Even more awaits you.

Floating Along

Floating along a lazy river
Catching glimpses of sparkles in the water
I lean back to enjoy the ride
Eyes closed, smiling in peace
Just floating along...

Waves, rocking back and forth
Where did the calm go?
Petrified. What happens next?
I grab my oar and try to steer to safety...
I was just floating along!

Crashing, smashing, bashing,
It hurts, to feel the waves cutting in,
The rapids slice my skin
With an icy coldness,
I feel my heart freezing rapidly...
What happened to just floating?

Can't breathe... no air...
The peacefulness has been shattered
By rocks, by rapids,
No longer safe,
Barely holding on...

What's that ahead?
Peace, looming closer,
I am almost there, I can feel it.
I reach forward,
Then fall...

And now I am floating along,
Entrapped in the oblivion,
No way to escape...
Safety flies above my ahead
Again I reach...
Still... just floating along...

Happiness Is...

Happiness is… a sports water bottle filled with pink lemonade.
Happiness is… a pen writing smoothly on a piece of paper.
Happiness is… accomplishing goals and getting things done
Happiness is… listening to music that just helps
Happiness is… having a way to escape when you don’t want to be caught
Happiness is… the clicking of computer keys
Happiness is… music to choose from, and actually liking what is chosen
Happiness is… a conversation with a friend that doesn’t make sense but makes both people happy
Happiness is… running around on five hours of sleep
Happiness is… pretending
Happiness is… being happy for your friend
Happiness is… laughing at how cute your friend is when she flashes her ring and bracelet
Happiness is… knowing you can make decisions on your own, for better and for worse
Happiness is… knowing that out of a million people, out of the six billion + people in the world, someone cares about you more than you can imagine

Happiness is… having faith that everything will work out in the end.

Happiness is… knowing that one song can touch your soul in ways you didn’t think existed
Happiness is… a (nearly) working MP3 player
Happiness is… spontaneous ruach in the middle of the hallway.
Happiness is… being “dramatic” and “intense”
Happiness is… getting away with breaking the rules
Happiness is... “knowing what’s coming next”
Happiness is… realizing all you have to be grateful for.
Sadness is… having so much to be happy for and not realizing all the good you have

I Remember

When I think about this poem, long and hard, I realize it can apply to so many different parts of my life. Sigh.

I walked this road
Every step I took
Reminded me of you
The tree where you and I
Lay in the shade
The bushes where you and I
Just so we could talk together,

Telling secrets forever..

I walked this path
Engraved on every stone
Were your initials
And mine
A remembrance forever
For when you and I
No longer walked here
Someone else would know we had.
We were here.

I walked this street,
Not knowing where it would lead,
But if it led to your open arms,
It would be a good one,
How I miss those days,
That you and I had spent,
Together, forever,
Just like you promised,
Now you are gone,
Where are you?

I walked down this empty lane,
Searching for you,
Trying to recall those times we had shared
Together, every moment, together
My friend, my dearest,
My life,
The light has left your eyes,
Never to shine again,
My world has gone dark.

The Candyman

There are two reasons for this post, the second reason only came about because of the first. The first reason is, I wanted to sure a poem. I wrote it last year and if you read it closely you can find a very relative lesson that is applicable in every persons life... so read closely, take a moment to think about it, and let me know what you get out of it!

Between perilous slander
And mean fortune
Methinks nothing
But forswear a friend
Which idle change yield tantamount wicked
Only so we loathe
That which never learned our tender minds

The second reason for this post is because when I was locating the above poem on my computer, I found some notes from a speech I heard in camp. The way this speech worked was that the speaker stood in the middle of us (his audience) while we all watched a movie. Every so often the speaker would pause the movie and teach us how each part of the movie and explain how we could take a lesson from the movie. It was incredible to realize that something as gashmius-dik as a movie could have sparks of ruchnius that are so relevent and inspiring...
The movie we watched was the old version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. At the beginning of the movie, Charlie goes into the candy store and the owner breaks out into song and sings:

Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candy Man, the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good

The speaker explained that the candy man is compared to Hashem. Hashem makes the world taste good. He could have made it bland and tasteless, He could have made food one taste and that would have been it. But Hashem wanted us to enjoy His beautiful world so He added flavors and tastes!
Now, while the above is nice to hear, I gained a different lesson from it based on my day. Hashem made the world taste good. But what tastes good to one person, may not taste the same way to another. Certain situations can be dealt differently based on the person who is experiencing it. Just like different candies taste good or bad to different people. For example, my mother LOVES the candy Good and Plenty… you know that weird licorice candy? Well, I cant stand it! It makes me gag. And while I like milk chocolate candy, and don’t like dark chocolate, my mother likes dark chocolate and doesn’t like milk chocolate… And a friend of mine HATES chocolate, while I love it! (But still I wonder, how can you not like chocolate???) So too, different situations and events sit well, or not so well with different people.
Life has different situations, events, people… and flavors… I think with time we all can learn to acquire the palate to enjoy them all, or at least manage them to swallow them politely.
(The actual lesson I learned in camp differed a lot from the above, which I just chapped around in like five minutes, but if interested, I can share the other one, which is really incredible and inspiring!)

Still Smiling

Being the day after Sukkos vacation, I consider this a chance to start my "projects" again with a brand new perspective. And sitting in Ivrit class, this is my thoughts about it...

I heard your voice,
Whispering in my mind,
Happiness is hiding,
Now go look and find.

I tried to imagine,
This task at hand,
Would it take months or years?
Would I have to search the whole land?

I asked for more clues,
From your elusive voice
But you already left
And I had no choice.

I looked deep within,
No answers were found,
So bravely I went,
To see where happiness could be found.

I asked a friend to tell,
What I should look,
With a smile and a wink,
She handed me a book.

I went to a teacher,
Who smiled so brightly,
She reassured me kindly,
"This quest should not be taken lightly!"

I looked to a mentor
Someone I looked up to,
Smiling so sweetly,
She told me what to do.

By days end,
I was completely wiped out,
But still I did not know,
What happiness was all about.

I looked in my mirror
To ask myself the question
Perhaps my own face
Could send me in the right direction.

I stared and stared,
For hours to no end,
It seemed so funny,
That soon my mouth did bend.

And then it hit me
Like a ton of bricks!
A stunning smile!
It finally clicked!

How simple it was,
All I needed was a smile,
And I could start being happy.
So I'm still smiling, being happy is so worthwhile!



BH today was a good day. I laughed at the things that annoyed me, smiled when I wanted to frown... (or mercilessly beat up certain people) and managed to come home in a good mood! Here's hoping for another day! And remember, when life seems kinda gray, a smile can clear those clouds away! (Try it! It works for me!)

I Miss You

Just feeling a little down. Missing some people... missing some friends... missing what once was...

I Miss You
It’s a disease,
Creeping, crawling,
Blinding my conscience,
Stabbing at my heart,
Shattering it to pieces.
It’s the pain of missing you.

Around you I could breathe
Your smile was fresh air
Now I'm choking gasping for breath
Losing hope.

I search for a cure
There is none to be found
Until I see your gleaming smile
Cast light on my glooming face
And hear your witty voice

Life moves on
It always does
But the sickness remains
I miss you still
But I’ll move on
Just like you told me to

I miss you
You know I do
I told you I would
Just don’t forget me
Please

Tomorrow will come
Yesterday has passed
Healing the wounds
That your absence has left
Today it’s so hard
Tomorrow will be better

The memories, they fight
To heal my cold dark mind
They envelope me in a moment of warmth
Soothing the scars
Protecting my heart

Smiling
Happy
Angry
Scared
You saw it all

The movie of my life
Would be filled with twists and turns
But you were there at every bend
I miss you
You know I do

The suffering has left me
No longer am I broken
I remember all the good times
Your love, light and everything
Keeps me strong and whole

Forget.
Impossible.
Remember.
Always.
I miss you.

Monkey Bars

(Sometimes I think I should take my own advice. Have a great Yontif!)

Monkey Bars
Imagine a child,
Swinging along,
With one tiny hand,
He bravely holds on.

Reaching forward,
His hand stretches far,
As he proudly grasps,
The next monkey bar.

His hands run roughly,
Against the metal pole,
But he is determined,
To reach his goal.

His little head sweats,
And his face contorts in frustration,
He is incredibly resolute,
To reach his destination

His muscles ache,
He groans quietly in agony,
The sun beats down,
But he keeps at it, as if magically.

Now imagine yourself,
Struggling each day,
Wishing all the misfortune,
Would just go away.

Your head hurts,
And nothing seems clear,
You still move forward,
And cling to what is dear.

Just one more step,
Surely you will succeed,
Keep looking to the future,
If you feel you are in need.

Sometimes you fall,
Achievement seems so far,
But just think of the little boy,
And his colored monkey bars.

At times he will fall,
Falling far down
But with innocent perseverance,
He’ll get up off the ground.

So be like the little boy,
Let nothing get in your way,
Very soon you’ll reach your goal,
And enjoy a brighter day!

Fake it, Make it, Break it

Fake it til you make it.
Because otherwise, no one will care.

Smile... everyone is watching.

Not Nice

I can't help that you're paranoid,
It's not my fault you're insane,
But is it at all possible,
For you to stop causing me so much pain?

I am trying to get it right
Yet somehow i go so very wrong
I have been doing what you want
Though still making mistakes all along

I am not perfect,
You know, I never will be
Still, is it so hard
For you to accept me?

I so badly want to be
Someone who falls into your good grace
I keep coming in last,
Is it really worth the chase?

So together or apart
We are closest at heart,
Every moment we spend together
Is like an endless eternity, forever...

At least it will be over soon.

Sitting in a Hut...

Sitting outside in the freezing cold really sets you straight. You leave your comfort for the freezing cold, stuff your body beyond capacity with food, then go to sleep at an unearthly hour... or at least I did.Having some time away from the homeland has really given me a lot to think about. I feel refreshed (though tired) and energized (even though the half a cow in my stomach is weighing me down) and ready for another chance... because honestly, without these breaks from POLIT-- I mean, school, i would not be able to function. So i get one last chance to get myself ready for a new year... and i am ready to take advantage of it!BH my Succos was so nice! I went away and spent time with the cutest kids on earth and their parents, who are the nicest people ever. I ate til i couldnt breathe, slept less then i should have, and managed to make it to Shul in the morning and daven Mincha in the afternoon. Some time away from everything that was bugging me has made me feel really hopeful for when i come back. I have a lot to look forward to. So, basically, for all those times when life just seems tough, unexplainable or frustrating, take some time away from it all. A little time away from all the.. well, drama, is really good for you! At least it was for me!And once again, a lil poem for you to enjoy. I wrote this a while back (I'm not sure when) I think it has a good message, if you're willing to look for it. If not, it rhymes!

Reflections
She looks in the mirror,
To see her reflection,
An image of grace,
Wonder and perfection.

The person staring back,
Smiles, as if to say,
“I know I look perfect,
On this very day.”

But with skin so fair,
And cheeks so bright,
Her eyes filled with sadness,
Just don’t seem right.

She brushes away her tears,
But only more pain does it cause,
For she has lost all hope,
And can only wish to fix her flaws.

As a person,
She has erred
But with makeup and brushes,
She feels prepared.

It’s a dark world,
She can barely see the light,
But with a little power,
She will find the sight.

The face staring back,
Is confused and lost,
Cold and consumed,
Trapped in the frost.

There is only one,
Just one face,
But the one expression,
Puts up a fierce chase.

“Run,” it says,
“Go far away,
Hide your vanity,”
But still, she does not sway.

She stares back,
To fight the spilling tears,
So she can seem happy,
Amongst her peers.

Fierce, she once was,
But now she has lost the will,
To fight back, she has become silenced
She now lies still.

She masks her face,
With color and designs,
Her hair, she twists carefully,
Hoping not to reveal any signs.

But the face staring back,
Is disappointed to see,
Because that face,
Is me.