Revenge

You dirty, cruel monsters killed

Not one

Not two

But three

Three of my brothers

You kidnapped their bodies

And then stole their souls

Their blood cries from the earth

And mine burns with fury and pain

6,000 miles away

I surge with a passion

To exact a meticulous, murderous revenge

To raze anyone in my way

Until I can gouge the eyes of those

Who took my brothers

My brothers

Who I prayed for

Longed for

And now,

Have lost

If the world does not respond

With the intensity that is felt by us all

Then let the world burn down

Because a world that can let this go on

Is not a world I want to belong to.

Eyal... Naftali... Gilad...

I never met you

I never knew you

Until a few weeks ago

When your names

Evoked such an ache in my heart

And now

Such a pain in my soul...

I want nothing more

Than to race around the world

Send us all back in time

And change that one step

That brought us to where we are today

Yearning and learning

That G-d

Has a plan

And while it hurts

I must... MUST believe

That it is His will

And for the loss of your souls

I must better myself

I must better my world

I must better the world

So that your deaths

Are not in vain.

Guess Who's Back

Pull it together... you look like a fool out there.

Well, you make me like that.

Puh-lease. You are in control here. You HAVE been in control. But now you are letting yourself get turned upside way too easily. It's not even an effort... I mean, come on.

I got it now. Really. I'll be better.

We All Feel It

We all feel it

This gaping hole

This widening pit

This endless abyss

Of waiting

Holding our collective breath

Refreshing the news pages

Reciting prayers

In hushed tones with tears

And in screams

Of agony

We all feel

This pain

This frustration and anger

But mostly

We feel hurt

We are hurting

A part of our national body

Has been ripped away

And we are searching for that crucial limb

That life sustaining nerve and artery

Of a people that rely so heavily on each other

We all feel

Like part of ourselves is missing

And we hope

We pray to G-d

That we are reunited soon

Because to feel this loss

Forever

Would be a feeling

We could never forget.

Start Again

The end is the beginning

Where the book closes

Another word is being written

And when you feel like the dust

Has been bitten

And the road falls off the edge

There is always a way

To take a step back

And turn around

The final sound

Is the last exhale

Of life's breath

But the beating

Of a broken heart

Is simply a finish line

That will become a new start

And all the pain

Will be worth a medal one day

With a shiny engraving that reads

"I did not give up"

Even when that last second

Has passed

There is one more moment

To leave it all in the past

And one day

I hope to leave you there

And live a new way

Without thinking about you.

A Few Things

A few things on my mind...

1. Nothing works better to improve my day than a little spa treatment... a manicure goes a long way.

2. Cheesecake is a magical food.

3. Caffeine is best in large doses at frequent intervals.

4. Love is such a loosely used word, I think we have lost sight of what it truly means.

(I love cheesecake. I love you. I love sleep... see what I mean?)

5. Friends are literally make me feel lighter... simply expressing a frustration eases so much anxiety and tension.

6. Helping others means learning to help myself. And that is even harder than going out of my way for someone else.

7. Giving maaser makes me feel rich. I am so fortunate to be in a position to give Tzedakah, and not be the recipient.

8. Passion is powerful. Be careful where you devote your energies.

9. The facets of Torah are endless. I wish I could learn it all.

10. I won't be alone forever. I can't.

The Issue with Achdus

As of late, and perhaps for many years, I have noticed a problem within our people... a problem of being One People. Over the course of several years, I have been affiliated with several incredible organizations that do amazing work for the Klal. But, the thing is... all of these organizations are mutually exclusive. Each one has their events, fundraisers, concerts, programs and services... They provide different, and the same services to similar clientele. Yet, I have yet to see a poster proclaiming "The Achdus Event!" with all of these organizations in participation. Nope. Never. Instead, when one group gets too close to another, out comes the claws, snide comments, petty remarks and evil eyes. 

I have been the recipient of much of this abuse. I have been persecuted for trying to volunteer for multiple organizations. I have been ridiculed, punished and stepped on. The message seems clear.... "do good.. but only do good for us. No one else."

Is this the kind of chesed we promote? We have become insular and vindictive. And the only people who we hurt are ourselves... and the kind people who simple want to do good for the world, yet suffer because they want to do so much good...

For a people who speak of "Kol Yisroel Areivim Zeh La'Zeh", I think we need to take a closer look at who we look out for.... and maybe expand our arms wider and embrace everyone.

Take me back
To when I was invincible
To when I could protect myself
And the mask I wore
Was not one of fear and doubt
But now
My cape has been clipped
And my identity exposed
My superpower
Is super useless
Because the forces of evil
Now live inside me
And they taunt and torture
With the cruelest of intentions

Blessing

I bless this part of me

This pulsating part of me

That hurts like hell

But reminds me why

I am here

It feels like fire inside

And stings like a thousand swords

But I pause

To bless it

Because without it

I would be

Just another pile of dust

Or a lifeless breath of air

A wave in the wind

Just saying goodbye

And so I 

Say this blessing

Of thanks

And giving

Of this reminder

Why I am living

For all the hills

Hurt

And hate

Will carry me

Like walking on knives

To that relief of happiness

Heartbeats

That feel like a song

Melodious

And magical

I bless myself

For you have blessed me

And I will be a vessel

To carry this goodness

To others

Pass this blessing

To the world...

Chain Mail Love

I am afraid

But my face

Is armored

And my heart is

A shield

You can strike me

Like me

Love me

But you won't get past

All these defenses

I have

Because

The last person

I gave my heart to

For safekeeping

He left me longing

Alone

And wondering

What I did wrong...

I Like to Feel...

I like to feel

A thousand emotions

A pounding storm

A racing heart

A slow trickle

A hard hit

Slow dance

Small secret

Deep wonder

Below

Everything

Is anything

The possibility

Of becoming

A mirror of myself

Or a feeling figure

Contained in this flesh

Bound by skin and sinews

But if you

Cracked my bones

I would not shatter

For the matter

Of dust

Is simply where I came from

And where I will return

.

He said no

I knew he would

Not the type

Not right

Too this

Too that

I danced around

I went under

And over

To hear

No

A resounding

Pounding

Heart wrenching

No

But then again

Maybe

That's what I wanted

All along.....

Fool

Fools

and devils

the lot of them

wild

animals

their lashing tongues

and racing hearts

I fear I cannot escape

their gnashing teeth

And hypnotic eyes

But I

I have been hurt

They have cut me

I bleed

colors I never saw

Before

And my heart

My heart has been turned against me
My closet comrade

Now a fearful foe

Enemies

Dangerous

Beasts.

Masks

It is a mask

What am I hiding,

You ask,

And to be honest

No better question

Has been formulated

Seeing as such

Life has me situated

Stuck between

Where I am coming from

And where I want to go

And those

Who are in the know

See me as that

Small, silly child

Stuck in a play-pretend hat

And I

Want to be in vogue

I want to break rules

And maybe

Go rogue

And be taken seriously

For once

I don't want to be

The dunce

So, to take a stand

I wear this mask

And what is it

You persistently ask

This mask

Is me

Everything you never wanted me to be

But everything

I was ever meant to be.

Ascension

We left the dirt... the dust... the danger... and death. We escaped from the clutches of persecution, suffering, torture and enslavement. We are free.

Now what?

The crucial, and often overlooked, point of Yetzias Mitzrayim is that we were not simply freed... We became a free people, free to serve our Redeemer, Creator, Father and King. He took us out to bring us to acceptance His greatest gift, the Torah.

We began counting the days until that incredible moment.

But let's make it practical. As much as I try to imagine myself leaving Egypt, witnessing the plagues and eating some sheep, it's not hard. But we all have things we are enslaved to.

So I decided to find something to free myself from. And so far, I am doing ok. Should I succeed, should I rise above this challenge that has been weighing me down, I know I will be better for it. I will be able to approach Matan Torah with a lighter heart... these chains (pun intended) will be lifted and removed...

3 days down...  

Morning Run

I wake up

The sun has been in the sky

For hours

I lace up

Get up

Get out

Get going

Get moving

Get gone

Get lost

In my head

My thoughts

I run

To feel something

To remember

That there is pain

That doesn't hurt my heart

My wild, wicked heart

My cage

Cannot stop its running

So instead

My legs

Must pick up the pace

To catch

What has run away

And today

Maybe I'll overtake 

My racing heart.

Precious Words

It's happened again. I have been resigned to whispers, soft spoken words, because anything louder scratches the insides of my throat, like a beast trying to claw its way out. I have been forced to slow my lips and loosen my ears, to listen... to hear. The world feels different when I cannot shout my protests of injustice. I have tried. I want to fight back. I hate feeling suppressed and unable. But no one wants to listen when they can't hear.

I remember in school when they would show us videos... (those forbidden things that play on the microwave...) and there was always that one kid who wouldn't shut up. We would raise the volume, and so would that kid. Eventually, listening became too much of a strain and we all just lost interest.

That's how I feel. People have lost interest in me. Without my voice, I am simply a less interesting version of myself.

But... this time of silence has given me the unique opportunity to listen to others. To hear their thoughts, their opinions.

The ideas of others are truly fascinating. There is so much potential and creativity in the world, just waiting to spill forth from tight-trapped lips, because at some point, no one cares to listen to someone else.

So... world... I cannot speak. So I will listen. I want to hear your thoughts and ideas. Your wishes.... dreams... your speeches and monologues... I want to hear words of inspiration or desperation.

I want to know what you think.

What are you thinking?

Sigh of... Freedom?

How fitting

That as we speak of freedom

From what enslaves us

I have been freed

From the possibility

Of you.

I feel as if the chains

Around my ankles

Have been snapped and burned

I can walk with lightness in my step

The heaviness in my heart

Isn't so heavy anymore

That feeling of "what if?"

Is now a resounding "not happening,"

And I can be at peace with that

I had the patience

(Or not)
To see where this chapter would go

But I can close this book

I can shut the door

On you

On us

And now

I can focus on me

And all I can be

Without worrying

What you think

Cuz to be honest

Did I ever really care?

(Probably...)

But not anymore.

Lonely

Does it matter

If my days are busy

And full of good

If every second

Is occupied

By something meaningful

What is that meaning

If it means nothing to me?

If every part of me

Inside my soul

Remains empty

And alone

The clocks keeps ticking

And time is sticking

Congealing into a mass

Of slow moving

Soul stealing

Mediocre

Moments

Of

Loneliness.

Productivity or Just Procrastinating

I have always felt

There is a fine line

Between being productive

When pushing something off

And simple procrastinating
Today

Was one of those days

Dentist

3.5 mile run

And a shiur

Pesach cleaning (or just crap cleaning)

And still

I feel like

I have just been

Pushing off something

Something important

But...

I just can't quite put my finger on it...

Maybe it is buried beneath

Six years of "memories"

And useless garbage...

And maybe I'll figure it out...

Soon.

Madness

Fell down... down...

D....

....o.....

.........w......

..............n.....

A rabbit hole

But 

This is not wonderland

There is no Queen of Hearts

Because my heart

Still beats in my body

My head

Still attached at the neck

But

What the heck

I would rather 

Be smoking with the caterpillar

Lost in a haze

Than be wandering

In this

Not-so-wondrous maze

Because there are beasts a-wandering

And as I run

I stumble upon

Madness

Someone

Who might be

Mad for me

Mad about me

A kind of madness

That makes me feel

Like my heart

Can conquer anything

Monsters will not scare me

And trouble will not terrorize

But

As I open my eyes

In the bright light

I realize

That the rabbit hole

Was just my front stairs

And now my back hurts from falling

And my heart hurts

From wishing.