Presenting....

As production season gets into full swing, here are just some of my feelings about it... (and the fact that I just watched an incredibly intense production video...)

The pressure is on
Can you feel hearts racing?
Everyone is watching,
Everyone is waiting...

Don't you see
The flustered faces
The rushed thoughts thinking,
"Can't we be in other places?"

Does everyone have to see
As we falter and fake it
While secretly praying
That we perform and make it

The stage is set
The script has been written
And we're waiting patiently
For our cue to begin

Action is called
We line up in our formation
Nothing can compare
To our inner exhilaration

Weeks of preparation
Have brought us to this day
Once the curtain closes
This will be a memory, fading away

So let's make it the best we can
We'll put on a show never before seen
We'll show the audience
That we could be on the silver screen

Our dreams of perfection
Are as vast as the very stage we perform on
And as every seat is taken, we hold our breath
As the music is cued and the curtain is drawn...


(Ooooooooh)

Waxing Poetic (Simply Inspired)

I should be studying, but as usual, I am procrastinating. Seriously hoping for a snow day, which is usually a lost cause because its already been jinxed. Oh well. Instead, I want to share a poem, of something, about someone, or anything in between... Oh what to write...

I love the feeling that surges through my veins
When something great is accomplished when all hope was lost
Because somehow those great deeds could only be done
At the highest price, a most miserable cost.

The pieces gathered together, all neat and aligned
So kindly and so sweet they fell into place
Now to others who only saw sadness in me
See a bright, beaming smile in its place.

Perhaps waiting is tortuous
Yes, no one wants to pass the time waiting
How true are these words for a student who has a deadline
Or a young girl who is dating

But time has this funny way
Of showing us that this is all for our good
So we do as we're told
And follow nicely like we should

And somehow all those little parts
That were randomly thrown askew
Come together like the notes of a song
And reveal depth, and beauty to show they are true.

Waxing graceful poetics
On my side of the screen
Do you understand my happiness?
Do you know what I mean?

The hand that is guiding us
Holding us close and tight
Has all the answers and pieces
And only He knows what's right

So He's putting together the puzzle of our lives
Careful to be sure that the pieces are properly placed
And if we mess up, cuz sometimes we do
Who says we can't fix our mistakes with some paste?

:D


I guess you could say this poem is a jumble of thoughts. My mind has been all over the place I am kind of amazed I could write something semi-coherent/poetic... Does anyone get it?
Basically, I am pretty happy right now. Despite the confusion and pressure, things are coming together...

I Recycled Myself!

I gave blood today! And I learned a lot from the experience! So I wanted to share it with you! (Pardon my exclamation points--really excited and kinda loopy :D)

1. It is so sad the questions they have to ask you and the information you have to read prior to giving blood. Has society stooped so low that the basic reading information should have an X-Rated warning on the front? I think not! But, as we live in Galus, what I read is common practice... How pathetic... Ok, now a bit of a rant--are people so sick they can't control their physical urges that put their lives and others in danger?? I feel so disgusted after reading what was in that booklet, I could barely read the rest of it... (but I skimmed it cuz they make you read that thing... but seriously, a little warning would be appreciated for us BY girls who like to keep our little bubbles intact and not muss up our neshamos. Oish)

2. You only are as afraid as you make yourself. Life shouldn't be based on fear. All I heard before I gave blood is needles, sharp, ow! and passing out afterwards... But I set my mind to not be afraid... and if I can use that mindset with giving blood, why not use it with life in general? I was in good hands when I gave blood... I am in good hands every day. Hashem is taking care of me. Whoa. Epiphany. When you have HaKadosh Baruch Hu guiding you every day, why be scared? Can't think of a better hand to hold...

3. Even scary experiences can be fun! I think there is more negative hype about giving blood than positive! (Haha, positive... negetive... didnt mean to be so punny... i think lacking a pint of blood has boosted my humor... unless this is bad humor, in which case... I'll stop now) I mean, yes, it's a little disturbing to see bags of blood hanging around and people being poked with needles (I watched the guy next to me get stuck.. he didnt look like he was handling it too well :P ), when you think about it, its an awesome thing! By giving blood, that gives the potential for a life to be saved! A sick child that needs a transfusion, someone who was in an accident... Wow... it's pretty incredible.

The final thing I learned from giving blood: I feel like Superman! Ok, that's my ego talking, but I can't help it. I am pretty happy :D

(Pardon my rant-y-ness and rambling, it was a busy night!)

A Belated Chanukah Present For You

Cuz I finally got a Round Tuit!!

A Little Worry...

The same conversation plays every week
It's happened so often
I have learned to just not speak.

But inside my head I am reeling and screaming
Can't this just be one of those times
When I am just dreaming?

I close my eyes to block out the noise
I calm myself down
And appear content and poised

These conversations me nervous and sweat
And all of the rantings and ravings
Sound like a deadly threat

What I hear won't happen anytime soon
But all of their arguments and chatter
Certainly make me want to fume

I've learned to keep my mouth closed
To keep quiet and nod my head dutifully,
And once again, what I am feeling won't be exposed

It makes me just a little nervous, my future is at stake
I hold back the tears
And mustering a smile, I try so hard not to break

Chanukah: Renewing Strength

In the days of our history's past
They tried to tear us down.
Learning Torah and keeping mitzvos
We could not be found

Tiny sparks kept us going
Would we let these idol worshippers win?
Would we let their obsessions and hatred
Cause us to sin?

We gathered a small army
To fight back and redeem our home
With quick attacks
We saved what was our own

Tiny flames soon lit up our lives
Once again we reclaimed our former splendor
Eight days of light burning bright
Taught us we could never surrender

And now, we have our own enemy
That is ready to rip us apart
He is so coy and cunning
Poised to strike us at the heart

He lurks in our friendships,
Where we shop and learn
But it is up to make our inner glow
Grow stronger and continue to burn

We won't succumb to the terrors of today
The society we live in has influence us to bend
Our beliefs, we let grow weak at times
But if we stand strong, our emuna won't come to an end

Hashem, we do our hishtadlus
To live strong, proud lives,
Helps us to achieve,
Until Melech HaMoshiach arrives!

Yimos HaMoshiach

Pain filled days
And distressing sorrows
No longer fill our lives
For we are living in the
Bright light of tomorrow.

The moment has finally arrived
Moshiach is here
With a shofar blowing
And dancing in the streets
His presence has destroyed all fear.

Sickness has been banished
War has been destroyed
All that is left is Hashem’s glory
Radiating through the world
And His goodness to be enjoyed.

Years of tragedy and death,
Mingled with tears and crying
With his grand entrance
He has erased all destruction
On wings, we are flying

We are free to be
Children of Hashem
Never afraid, never alone
For all fears and loneliness
Have come to an end.

Finally we have home,
With Torah permeating within
Eretz Yisroel lights up with its grandeur
An incredible awakening of Hashem’s everlasting reign
Can now finally begin.

Tightrope Walker

Stretched so far
The tightrope walker begins
The trek across
A rope so thin.

The crowd below
Watch the show
Where will the tightrope walker go?
Does even she know?

Right foot, left foot,
Slowly across the rope
The audience cheers
So she is filled with hope.

Then the walker slips
And nearly falls
But the audience doesn't care
So to who can she call?

Back again, she steadies herself
And suddenly the audience sees
Because now her show,
To the audience, it pleases.

And then, just like that
She falls, plummeting down,
And no one even cared
To pick the tightrope walker off the ground.


Is it worth it to make everyone else happy when I am only torturing myself?

One Day We'll Fly Away

Sometimes I dream

Of floating through the sky

Like a free balloon

That was released so high

I dream of soaring through the clouds

Reaching the heights that were once not allowed

I dream of swimming through the vast blueness above

I dream of being in a place that I love

I wish to watch the world

From the top looking down

I wish I could see the reasons

For all that occurs on the ground

I want a panoramic view

I really just want a clue!

I want to know why things happen in this world

I want all the secrets to be revealed and unfurled

“Does this really affect others?”

“Will I always remain stuck and the same?”

“Is there an explanation for why,

I play such a twisted, painful game?”

“Will we ever be released from this exile?”

“How much longer is ‘a while’?”

“How much longer can we witness the pain of others,

Our dearest fathers, mothers, sisters and brother?”

Yes, I dream of the impossible,

And my wish is just an impractical desire,

But if this tiny little wish can give me a glimpse of hope,

I think I’ll be able to hold lift my heart and soul higher.

I feel so stuck, down here on earth,

Because all this pain? What’s its worth?

Yet, I still believe I’ll soar towards the sky

And no longer will I be left to sigh.

In my heart and mind, I am flying to You,

Can You hold my hand as I start the countdown,

With you by my side, I am confident

That I won’t have to wait around.

I supposed I’ll have to be content

To just wishing for this day

But soon, I will be that fluttering balloon,

And one day, we’ll all fly away.

Over Shabbos...

Over Shabbos, I learned three things:

1) Fish is much more appetizing when presented in small quantities... not an entire salmon placed onto the table in which everyone sticks their fingers into. Gross.

2) Whenever I see a Chassidish Rebbe, the only thing that runs through my mind is He must be an Israeli government conspirator in disguise sent to radically turn the Chareidi community against each other!!! (This is what happens when you read too many Jewish novels.... every Rabbi is part of some worldwide plot to destroy the Jews. Oish.)

3) Even when surrounded by friends at a Simcha, it is possible to feel alone. Sigh.

Aside from those three things, I had a nice Shabbos. Slept. A LOT. And read (Escape From India, Avigayil Myzlik... good book if you want something a little less mainstream but with some typographical errors... but the plot's is good... and true!), which always makes me happy!

And to illustrate number 3....

A Smile

Every smile means something

No matter what you mean

It shows you can fight your demons

No matter how obscene

A smile can mean you’re trying

Even if it’s fake

It shows you have will power

That can never crack or break

A smile can mean you’re happy

Over hearing some good news

Happiness isn’t a right

But a way of life you choose

A smile can mean you’re sad

But holding back the tears

Although you’re torn up inside

You’re masking all your fears

A smile shows your strength

When you’re feeling weak inside

A smile shows the world

That you will never hide

A smile teaches bravery

The power to stand tall

It’s an inner beauty, so powerful

That will never be considered small

Hide and Seek I

There is only You
Somehow I can't find
Still seeking, counting outloud
One day soon the day will come
One day I will be free
To serve You, to love You
My closest friend
You seem so far away
I just want to know that You are here
So I fight, I struggle to find
I hear Your voice,
Now where is your face, your presence revealed
So obvious to see
Come out from Your hiding place
Wherever that may be
I am counting outloud
Can't you hear me searching?

Thanks for Nothing

I don't want to bother you
I just really need to talk
I'll try to keep it short
Because I know you're pretty busy
I don't want to take too much
Of you your time, but I am really hurting.
I've been smiling (or at least trying to)
Even though I want to cry
People believe I am true
But I feel so fake and I--
You have to go?
Ok. Nice talking to you
Thanks...
For nothing.

(I really don't know how much more of this I can take. Everyone is going to tell me it's a test and you're strong and you're going to pass and blah blah blah. I wish everyone would stop lying to me. I know you're reading this. SO WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME? i... hate... everything...)

Update: I asked you if you could find me a ride. You said you couldn't and I was fine with that, but don't tell me you know of another one but "they don't want to take people with them," because that doesn't help me out very much. You don't know it, but I cried after we hung up. I cried because you are in your own happy little world that you don't have any idea how much I am hurting without you... but now I don't even know if I want you around even though for so long that's all I wanted.

Crossing Bridges and Safe In His Arms

Today is a double day, hooray hooray!

"There are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed."

I am walking across a bridge
And in the fog of the unknown I can't see the other side
What lies in front of me is blurred and obscure
I can't understand why my own future has to hide!

So I step forward overwhelmed with fear and trepidation
What lies below is miles and miles down
I am so scared to slip and fall
Plummeting to my death on the ground

So I hold on to the sides, to whatever I can
But I AM READY TO LET GO!
I am so worn out and tired
Of trekking across this bridge into the unknown.

I keep holding on, though it hurts so bad
What else can I do? This is what is expected
To keep up my spirits and keep trying
Even when I feel depresses or dejected.

So aren't you proud of me?
That I held on throughout this ordeal
But I keep praying, hoping to wake up
And find out that none of this is real...

I have heard about bridges crossed,
But are bridges burned one and the same?
How much longer can I pretend
That I finished playing this twisted game??

I am holding on, hoping to find safety,
Perhaps I have almost reached the other side
And again, I have to ask, if this is my life
Why does my future have to hide?


Safe In His Arms
In his arms
Safe, protected,
Cared for
And he is,
concerned beyond comprehension
"Are you ok?"
"I am here for you!"
"Please come to me."
Someone to talk to
To turn to
When I feel lost, abandoned
Alone and scared
When I feel broken
And forgotten.
There he is.
Waiting for me,
To come to him.
Is this what Hashem's love
Feels like?

(PS. I really need to stop living in my dreams....)

Prisoner

I’m a prisoner,

Trapped behind these stone walls,

I cannot remain forever,

For the outside world does call.

It calls, it beckons, it begs,

For me to come and dance with the trees,

To come and laugh with the animals,

And sing along with the breeze.

It’s hard to imagine,

Life continuing this way,

Stuck inside these stone walls,

With not a protest to say.

It’s like a fever,

That burns with such passion,

To want to be outside this prison,

I cannot sit still, I must take action.

The leaves sway gently,

Mocking my inability to leave,

For how long must I wait here?

For how long must I grieve?

My heart feels light with the desire to escape,

It’s a desperate yearning I can't control,

I wish to join the outside world,

To finally please my soul.

The cool breeze is a reminder of my part,

When life was so carefree and joyous,

But now it seems so dark,

Those days long ago, I sorely miss.

When I didn’t need to worry,

And with the world, I could play,

I’d take life’s hand close to me,

And together we’d run away.

The warm air was my drug,

And to it I was so addicted,

It filled my heart with happiness,

I’d run around so freely and act just like a kid.

The world is many colors.

But all my days seem grey,

Because I want nothing more,

That to just run far away.

There are people on the inside,

Who continuously drive me insane,

They complain like children.

But what do they have to gain?

I can smile, for sometimes I feel elated,

I can shed tears, for sometimes I feel down,

But I will try so hard,

To turn my spirits around.

Throughout this life,

I have continuously found,

That it only takes one single word,

To turn it all around.

The prison may hold me,

As a captive each day,

But I’m relieved to know,

That soon it will go away.

The lessons they teach me,

Are one’s that are for life,

That will help me later

So I’ll learn them without complaint or strife.

The days may be long,

But I’ll try not to despair,

I’ll longingly away that day,

When I can get drunk on the outside air.

Knowledge

When I found this, I realized I had to post it. It so aptly describes so much of how I feel lately. So here you go...

Life made more sense,

When I didn't know it all,

When my breadth of knowledge,

Was tiny and small.

The more I know,

The more I want to hide,

The more I understand,

The more I want to keep it inside.

It hurts to try,

To find reason in confusion,

When soon it will just blow up

In a veritable explosion.

Waiting

I am waiting for you
I know you will come
The time will come
When all this pain will be undone

Until that day
I am waiting patiently for you
To show me all the things
That you can do.

I am waiting for you to show me
Love, care and affections,
The words and guidance I need
To go in the right direction.

I know I am not doing too well,
So I am waiting for your advice
I'll listen like I should
If you speak to me nice

Waiting is an awful thing
Which is why it hurts so much more
Are you the friend I am friends with now
Or someone from my life before?

Either way, I am waiting for you now
The one who can help me out
To show me the ropes, the ways
And what life is all about.

So I am waiting
For you, and only you
I don't know who you are
So I am waiting...
Patiently...
Can't you see?

It's Coming

A man was walking in the forest, through the bleakness and darkness, groping to find his way. There was no light. It was raining, no, it was pouring and the man had no shelter, couldn't see, and had no idea what to do. Suddenly, a flash of lightning lit up the sky, so bright it was like day. And in those .2 seconds, the man saw the path he needed to take. If he didn't hold onto that image of the path lit up in his mind, he would remain lost forever....

This past summer, R' Matisyahu Solomon's wife had a heart attack and was hospitalized. While saying tehillim next to his wife's bed, R' Solomon fell asleep and had a dream. In his dream, R' Ahron Kotler came to him and said, "If you remain in Lakewood Ad Bias Go'el Tzedek then you're wife will have a refuah shelaima."

What does this mean? What does any of this mean?

My teacher explained, that this meant Moshiach will come in the days of R' Matisyahu Solomon! It could be today, tomorrow or in five, ten, fifteen years but Moshiach is coming! And so, if he is coming, if he is on his way, are we in the right place to greet Melech HaMoshiach?

As I think about this more, I can't help but be ready to change. And I will. I have already begun, but I know that I am not ready to greet Moshiach. There is so much I need to do to work on myself. So I start today with something concrete TO HOLD ONTO THIS FLASH OF LIGHTNING, this INSPIRATION of what my teacher told me about the COMING OF MOSHIACH! How can I not do anything???

So, here goes....

Text Friends Forever

I write lol
Because what else is there to say
When you tell me in earnest
That you had a god awful day

I type in JK
When I really do mean
All those things written previously
That you see on your screen

I really don’t mean it
When I write kk
You think I am all right
With those rude things you say?

I understand perfectly well
That you gtg
But are you so blind
That you really cant see?

I cant stand when
We must rely on abbreviations
In order to prolong
Our non existent conversations

We try so hard
To make each line last
In order that another quick phrase
Will have the privilege to pass

I’ll ttyl
And you’ll sys
I just don’t think
That is for the best

Because we have never met
Each others faces we have never seen
Maybe we have but you’re still just a faceless stranger
That I read on my screen

So perhaps one day
we’ll rotfl together
and reminisce about the day when
our naiveté was engraved forever.

Hidden By Shadows

A small sapling,
Stands alone,
Amongst a forest of trees,
Already grown.

Shadowed by branches,
Trapped without light
The struggling sapling,
Knows only of night.

Fighting for air
To see the blue sky
The small sapling
Begins to cry

I am so small
With no around
I am just a weak twig
Sticking out of the ground

He begs to the silence
To be set free
The sapling is desperate to become
A proud, strong tree

The sapling begs
To grow so tall
How much longer
Must this sapling remain small

The forest around him
Is distant, aloof and seperate
This weak little sapling
Just doesn't seem to fit

So why bother
Will I ever grow strong?
I have been trying so hard
For so very long

I have no sunlight
The rain doesnt reach my roots
My sadness is forever
Could anyone dispute

The small sapling struggles
To survive anothe day
Will this pain and and these difficulties
Ever be ok?
Will they ever go away?

One More Chance (Working Title)

Current Date and Time: November 9, 2009 2:55 PM Eastern Time
Current Word Count: 20,663
Words to Go: 29,337
Days Remaining: 21

Three girls... three secrets...

When life circumstances get in the way of the hopes and dreams of three teenage girls, can they fight their inner battles and emerge victorious?
Rivky, recently diagnosed with a medical condition, refuses to let her new found illness get the better of her. She won't let it stop her from accomplishing her goals and projects and certainly won't let it change the way her friends think of her... so she simply doesn't tell them. Will the pain of being sick make her confess her secret...Or will the mounting pressure to simply hide being sick cause her to go over the edge?

When Chavi discovers her brother is sliding down a slippery slope, she takes matters into her own hands, sabotaging his escape plans, attempting to foil is dangerous dealings, all the while trying to remain steadfast in her belief that this is all for the best. Can she save her brother from a disastrous fate? Or will she lose herself in the process?

Lonely games are what Etty plays bests. She knows how to hide her feelings of loneliness, wearing a mask of happiness to fool everyone. Through her art she reveals bits and pieces of what is going on in her mind which seems to be her only way to channel out her overwhelming emotions that just keep building up. But time is running out on Etty's emotional clock and she ready to explode. How much longer can she ignore her feelings and finally admit that she isn't as happy or strong as she appears?

Three friends, struggling to make it through their junior year, learn that there is more to life than what goes on in their own world. Together they bridge the gaps that have opened between them and manage to find answers to the questions that haunt them every day.