Waiting Room

Be on time

Not that I have a choice

I'll be there

Sometime between

June and September

If I remember

Then again

How can I forget?

It isn't like

I can just ignore this

Blaring reminder

On my cel-phone

Ringing incessantly

So here I am

You aren't ready for me?

I am just supposed to wait?

Ok...

I'll wait...

Ten more minutes?

Twenty?

A week?

A month?

You must be joking

There are too many magazines

And shiny distractions

I'll just listen

To a shiur

Or some music

While I wait

I

Hate

Waiting

Oh

You are

Almost

Not

Sort of

Ready

For me?

HEY!

Why does she get to go before me?

I was here before him!

Where are your priorities?

Didn't I sign in?

Oh come on.

Not her!

Him?

Really?

This must be a joke!!!

What about me?

Did you...

Forget about me?

I don't want

To wait forever

I hate waiting.

The Real Me

I had a revelation today. A lightbulb moment. An epiphany. Whatever you want to call it, I had one. I was role-playing in my counseling class. I had prepared before so it would be as authentic as possible. I was portraying a teenager displaying risky behavior. In order to maintain authenticity, I was channeling a friend of mine who went through the things I discussed with the teacher in the "session." As it pertained to me, it was completely fictional. While this was hard because if it's not real, it is hard to fake a therapy session then. But, somehow I made it work.

My revelation came after the "session" and had no relation whatever to the content of the interaction. It had to do with the situation as a whole.

In acting as someone else, I learned more about myself then, than I have in the past few months.

And I think this quote sums up my revelation: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. (A.A. Milne)

I haven't really had a problem with public speaking or self-disclosure, but to get up and act, and to act authentically, isn't something I do on a regular basis. It was a side of me that is usually reserved for my bathroom mirror (Oh, don't look at me like that. I know you do it too.)

Something happened in that classroom, something that made me realize that there is more to me than the way I have been.

And to quote... you can either run from it, or... learn from it. (Lion King)

Now the question stands... what do I do?

Freedom

Today feels like freedom

But I see 'em

We stand on the shoulders

Of soldiers

Who shed blood

Who crawled through mud

Saw terror

Murder

And fear

They felt afraid

Our debt was paid

A thousand fold

Who could be so brave

So bold?

I try to imagine

Digging in the desert

Hiding in the heat

Hoping for the end

But never feeling beat

Struggling

Holding on

For so long

Too long

But today

We remember

Forever

And for those who fought

We have freedom

And where would we be

Without them?

As I was displaying my true patriotism yesterday, as most Americans did, by shopping, I thought about my status in this "Golden Medina". As Jews, we have many struggles not having our own homeland: keeping jobs, necessity for internet, secular influences... etc. but at the same time, we are so fortunate. While I identify myself firstly as a Jew, and a proud one at that, I am also an American. I don't know where I would be today if America didn't exist. My great grandparents came from Poland and Lithuania, Pre-War, and without this country, they may not have left Europe before the war. Where would I be without this country? So while we have a lot of "taaynos" against America, we also have a lot to be thankful, especially towards those who fought for us to have what to be thankful for. So whether you identify yourself as a Jewish American or an American Jew, Happy Memorial Day. Hope you get some great sales :)

Gun Control

Shabbos is always an interesting time for me. Since I am the youngest, and the only one still home, my parents make Shabbos plans for me. (Mostly because during the week I have no time to think about Shabbos plans. I am always shocked when I make it to Friday in one piece and relatively sane). So we tend to go to older couples who my parents are friends with. I go along, keep my mouth shut, and smile politely. But there tends to be a running theme with the Shabbos table conversations: who is dying, died, or is on the way. Divorce. Gun control. Taking care of the older generation. Gun control. Politics. Gun control.

Luckily, this tends to happen towards the end of the meal and my squirming hints to the host that I want to get out of there. Now. Before guns are drawn.

In a way, it's fascinating. And also rather disturbing. This conversation comes up so frequently, I could probably write a paper about the Jewish view towards gun control. And then again, I think about my Shabbos meals in seminary. Even if there were issues being discussed, it was laced together with a Torah perspective. Guns are just a way of life in Eretz Yisroel so no one thinks twice. After the first day, I got so used to seeing guns, I would be concerned if I saw a Chayal without his matching accessory. Now, in America, everyone grabs their pedestal and starts ranting about this thing and that thing when it comes to gun. At the Shabbos table.

I am sort of running out of patience. I get that many people don't get together with friends unless it is on Shabbos, but... doesn't the Shulchan deserve better?

What conversations come up at your Shabbos tables? How do you feel about it?

Up to the Clouds

As the end of my semester comes to a close, I am starting to feel the pressure. The stress. The anxiety. It’s building up. I am trying to find time to just wind down, space out, and not feel so focused so that I don’t completely lose it. It’s hard to find the balance between totally frying my brain and just relaxing. In seminary we learned that you can’t just “space out”. We were here for a purpose, and tuning out isn’t going to help us accomplish anything. But I digress.

A video recently went viral that has made me rethink my values and goals. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and watch:

I first saw Clouds and affect on me. Watching Zach struggle with cancer and still be able to maintain such an uplifting and positive attitude was inspiring. As he says in the video, “You don't have to find out you're dying to start living.” Life is  challenging. No one questions that. But to tune out and turn off is simply letting yourself succumb and in succumbing, you won’t succeed. Sometimes we forget how closely those two states are:

Watching this video, I am reminded of my own mortality. Zach knew that he had an expiration date on his. Less than a year or so. Me? It could be today. Tomorrow. (Hopefully, 120) I don’t know. In one of my psychology classes, we were discussing death. I, in all innocence (ok, mischeif), asked, “Why are people afraid to die?” The teacher responded, “In this classroom we could have many different reasons for each person!” I wanted to know what they were. Uncharacteristically of the class, everyone raised their hands to give their answers. Answers varied from “not having enough time,” “having to say goodbye,” “the actual moment,” “not acoomplishing everything I wanted to.”

It was intense and overwhelming. We spend so much time avoiding these kinds of conversations. When I tell people about my career choice, working with children with terminal illnesses, they cringe. Is it because of the sadness of working with a sick child or because they know they have to face their own mortality? I would venture to say it is a bit of both, but I am of the opinion that the work I will do will provide joy into that dark world and brighten an otherwise terrible situation. When you focus on living, REALLY living, death is merely just the next challenge. To quote: “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Zach embraced this. By writing and singing his songs, he left his legacy for people to learn from. Seforim epitomize this concept. The author may have passed on, but his memory is carried on forever. When we remember him, it is not for the tragedy of his death, but for the legacy of his life.

So the question is, with every challenge we must face, what legacy will you leave behind? How will you be remembered? What sort of life will you live, so that when people think of you, they think of your accomplishments and success?

Hmm..

Running

Running
Legs moving
Heart racing
Breath
Pacing
Chasing
I'd rather be
Spacing out
Or perhaps
Tuning in
Turning away from sin
Racing
To something better
Something that matters
We are running
Running always
After things
And stuff
It's none too tough
Cuz we don't dare get too rough
Keep it simple
Surface
It may be
Shallow
But I can't swallow
I can't even breathe
Cuz I am still
Running.

Pre-Game

He is coming over
It is last minute, I know
But don't stress
Seriously?
I haven't a bloody clue
How to dress
What makes you think
I am trying too hard
Or will
Let down my guard?
These heels are for protection
And I hope you will be
The sole of discretion
And please don't mention
That I put on eyeshadow
Well hello
Not quite what I expected
But don't feel rejected
You still have a chance
So speak your mind
I have yet to find
Sonething to intrigue me
And believe me
I have seen the worst
And best
Chances are
You will fall wayside
To the rest
And you have
Too quiet
Unmotivated
Out of the system
Lucky for me
I saved myself
The pain
Of having to remember your name
This was just the pre-game
And I don't have to bother
Waiting around for the show.

No Judgments

It is easy to be self-righteous. Should I tell you how? Go look in the mirror. In a few seconds, your brain will start churning and chugging, and you will see a person who is simply DA BOMB. I mean, we think like this all the time. We see other people, and out comes the rulers and scales- I am prettier, taller, smarter, better-looking... and on, and on, and on.

And then we hear about people with disorders, addictions, and problems galore. It is so easy to pass judgment, to raise ourselves up. I am guilty of it. And you probably are too.

As a psych major, I am still adjusting to hearing about people with different disorders. I think How are they like this? JUST SNAP OUT OF IT! And then... I realize we all have a little OCD inside. A little BPD. Maybe a splash of anorexia, bulimia, insomnia, depression... We are not without our flaws. I am not without my flaws. So who am I to judge others?

As of late, I have been stuck in a certain cycle. I know where it started and why it is continuing, but I am having a hard time breaking out of it. I have heard of people who went through this too and I always thought never me. And now it is happening. There are options for me to break this cycle, but as we all know, sometimes it is hard to do that. This "cycle" is dizzying and nauseating, but at the same time, there is a certain thrill to it. A rush. Exhilaration. It is the chase. The race. Fast-paced.

But it is also having a negative effect on me. So it has to stop. I don't know when it will, but I know it must end.

And in case you are worried, there is no drinking, drugs, or other questionable behavior in this picture. This isn't an issue that is exclusive to me-- like I said, many people suffer from it.

Are you trapped in a cycle? Is there something gripping your life, holding it tightly, and not allowing you free?

You are not alone. And neither am I.

If Only

Here's to days

Like today

Where the possibilities

Are endless

And plentiful

If only

We could seize every second

Hold it in our hands

And memorize

Every detail

Like little kids

Tracing the outlines

Of mommy and daddy's hands

Every dip, and contour

Ingrained deep within

If only

We lived like tomorrow

Was yesterday

And today

Was forever

If only

We forgot

What it felt like

To feel pain

Cuz it's bound to happen

Again

So we might as well

Get back up

If only

We remembered

What love was like

Cuz then we wouldn't be so scared

To try again

If only

Wishes came true

But truth be told

My only wish is you

And your happiness

If only

It was mine too.

Welcome

I've been waiting

I knew you would come

It just took you some time

Too much, I think

But now you are here

At my doorstep

In my kitchen

Dancing through

My dining room

And I,

I dance with you

Finally

We can sing

Our voices united

Our hearts

Undivided

I feel so close

So connected

So...

Unrejected...

Because finally

You are here

And this

Is real

So I'll make you a deal

Because even though

Inside I know

You have to leave

Just as quick as you came

I'll always cherish

Each moment, just the same

It's Been A While...

Hello again…

You? Really?

It's truly been a while. I've missed you!

I'm sure you have.

Well don't sound so excited… it'll give me an ego!

What do you want?

Let's talk. How have you been?

I dunno. Fine. Great. Whatever.

Wow… Call the presses! That's headline news!

Shut up.

Not when I am on a roll…

I've been… fine. Stuck? Walking through mud? Mud filled with needles. It's hard and it hurts. And you haven't been much of a help.

Well I know. You have been too busy to talk with me. I get that life is busy… but you used to be so good about checking in with me… Filling me in on the details.

The details are hazy. My life feels like I blur. If I have a second to breathe, it's only because I fell asleep.

Must be rough.

Yea.

Well look… sometime big is happening next week. You ready for it?

No. I had a whole plan. A seven week plan… I messed up. I got busy… confused. I met someone. I lost someone. I said things. I didn't say things. I read. I saw. I came… went… I didn't conquer.

Ouch… sounds like a couple of messed up weeks. What happened? I mean.. the ideal you… the good you.. She was great! She was rockin!

And now she just feels like a rock. A big, stinkin boulder that isn't getting anywhere or doing anything.

So what are you going to do? Keep wallowing? Keep sinking? That's not you. You are good-er than that!

Nice Kid President reference. If only I could listen to that on repeat… maybe I'd be good-er. But instead…

You are bad-er. Plain and simple.

Uch. I know.

So..

So.

No solutions? Response? Nothing?

I just want to disappear. Crawl into a dark cave.

Cuz that will certainly give your life some light!

Hmph.

Look. You are an incredible person. You know it. I know it. So why let yourself get any lower?  Lift up your head, see the top of the mountain, and start climbing! So you'll fall. So you'll get a little scraped up… once you reach the top, you'll be glad you did. The view is amazing.

I guess you're right..

It's true. So what are you gonna do?

Guess I better start climbing..

Yep! And when you get up there, tell Him I say hi. He'll be so happy to see you.

Thanks. I'll see you… or not.

Messages

They call it graffiti
I call it art
They call it criminal
I call it heart

Paintings on the side
Of a road to anywhere
Sometimes I wonder
If I will ever get there


Maybe it's vulgar
Or simply profanity
But whoever said
We had to subscribe to vanity?

Make it strong
Make it real
If it's honest
Then the wounds will heal

Messages that show
Promise and hope,
You aren't alone,
The world will help you cope

http://iammorley.squarespace.com/ 
Morley is a Los Angeles-based street artist that specializes in bold, typographic posters which he wheat pastes within the urban landscape. Blending humor, hope and his unique perspective on life, Morley's aim is to act as a friendly voice amongst the cacophony of billboarded messages and corporate slogans

Purge

I am sure that caught your attention, cuz it sure caught mine. I was watching a video on YouTube the other day, and as YouTube is known to do, an ad began to play. It was a trailer for a movie, which I usually skip but, something about the ominous music and post-apocalyptic text intrigued me, so I watched. And I was rather horrified.
The premise of the movie is that one night a year, America is given the opportunity to perform any of their animalistic, murderous, hate-driven tendencies. In a sense, they can purge themselves of any negative, harmful behavior. If is government sanctioned and therefore, without any repercussions, hence the name of the movie, "The Purge." As if there isn't enough horror in current events, in which people purge themselves of their evil inclinations on a regular basis, now there is a movie where the government sanctions, nay, mandates this kind of behavior. So, as the trailer plays, I, the unsuspecting viewer, witness all sorts of atrocities (murder, thievery, kidnapping.... just to name a few) all contained in the span of a story where its acceptable, in the time frame of a couple of hours. How nice.
And while watching this disgrace of a movie (really, this is the best they can produce?) (Yes, I could have turned it off, but deep down, we all have that painful urge to see something gory... why do you think it is only the horrible news that makes headlines?) Anyhow, while watching this trailer, I thought about how wise the Torah is. Yea, I am sure you can see the connection. (That was sarcasm... unless you can see the connection...)
Anyhow, the Torah was given to us for several reasons, one of those reasons being is that we should learn how to become moral, righteous individuals, holding ourselves to the highest standards. But, we were created with a Yetzer Hara, and that voice in our head can be so loud, so tempting, its hard to ignore. So, within the parameters of the Torah's commandments, there are areas in which we can allow that Yetzer Hara some free reign, while not giving ourselves over to the dark side.
For instance, if a person has a blood-thirsty nature, and murder seems to be the natural route to take, he can became a Shochet and be surrounded by blood and death all day long while still performing G-d's commandments. Done.
Or he can become a Mohel. Yay, more blood.
Another example is the Eishes Yefas To'ar- the female prisoner of war. The Torah recognizes that in the heat of a battle, the captive women look extremely appealing and a man will want her to satisfy his desires. And he can take her. Of course, that is only if he follows the Torah's protocol for doing so.
For a woman, she is inclined to beautify herself... in today's society, this means shorter skirts, tighter tops, more makeup, elaborate hair styles and high heels. In the magazines we see this and think "How untznius!" But, one of my teacher's in seminary, a regal woman who I never thought would say something like this, said, "A woman can dress like that. For sure! But for her husband. And only for him."
Something else I learned, is that for everything negative in the world, there is a positive opposite it. For every Eisav, there is Yaakov. For ever Yetzer Hara, there is a Yetzer Tov.
G-d didn't put us into this world to abstain and become monks. He gave us a world, with so much to offer, and He wants us to partake of it. But, only by His rules. In doing so, we can express our desires while fulfilling G-d's commandments, and in doing so, elevate ourselves into more spiritual beings.
So, while I don't plan on seeing the full-length movie, the trailer certainly taught me something.