Take me back
To when I was invincible
To when I could protect myself
And the mask I wore
Was not one of fear and doubt
But now
My cape has been clipped
And my identity exposed
My superpower
Is super useless
Because the forces of evil
Now live inside me
And they taunt and torture
With the cruelest of intentions

Blessing

I bless this part of me

This pulsating part of me

That hurts like hell

But reminds me why

I am here

It feels like fire inside

And stings like a thousand swords

But I pause

To bless it

Because without it

I would be

Just another pile of dust

Or a lifeless breath of air

A wave in the wind

Just saying goodbye

And so I 

Say this blessing

Of thanks

And giving

Of this reminder

Why I am living

For all the hills

Hurt

And hate

Will carry me

Like walking on knives

To that relief of happiness

Heartbeats

That feel like a song

Melodious

And magical

I bless myself

For you have blessed me

And I will be a vessel

To carry this goodness

To others

Pass this blessing

To the world...

Chain Mail Love

I am afraid

But my face

Is armored

And my heart is

A shield

You can strike me

Like me

Love me

But you won't get past

All these defenses

I have

Because

The last person

I gave my heart to

For safekeeping

He left me longing

Alone

And wondering

What I did wrong...

I Like to Feel...

I like to feel

A thousand emotions

A pounding storm

A racing heart

A slow trickle

A hard hit

Slow dance

Small secret

Deep wonder

Below

Everything

Is anything

The possibility

Of becoming

A mirror of myself

Or a feeling figure

Contained in this flesh

Bound by skin and sinews

But if you

Cracked my bones

I would not shatter

For the matter

Of dust

Is simply where I came from

And where I will return

.

He said no

I knew he would

Not the type

Not right

Too this

Too that

I danced around

I went under

And over

To hear

No

A resounding

Pounding

Heart wrenching

No

But then again

Maybe

That's what I wanted

All along.....

Fool

Fools

and devils

the lot of them

wild

animals

their lashing tongues

and racing hearts

I fear I cannot escape

their gnashing teeth

And hypnotic eyes

But I

I have been hurt

They have cut me

I bleed

colors I never saw

Before

And my heart

My heart has been turned against me
My closet comrade

Now a fearful foe

Enemies

Dangerous

Beasts.

Masks

It is a mask

What am I hiding,

You ask,

And to be honest

No better question

Has been formulated

Seeing as such

Life has me situated

Stuck between

Where I am coming from

And where I want to go

And those

Who are in the know

See me as that

Small, silly child

Stuck in a play-pretend hat

And I

Want to be in vogue

I want to break rules

And maybe

Go rogue

And be taken seriously

For once

I don't want to be

The dunce

So, to take a stand

I wear this mask

And what is it

You persistently ask

This mask

Is me

Everything you never wanted me to be

But everything

I was ever meant to be.

Ascension

We left the dirt... the dust... the danger... and death. We escaped from the clutches of persecution, suffering, torture and enslavement. We are free.

Now what?

The crucial, and often overlooked, point of Yetzias Mitzrayim is that we were not simply freed... We became a free people, free to serve our Redeemer, Creator, Father and King. He took us out to bring us to acceptance His greatest gift, the Torah.

We began counting the days until that incredible moment.

But let's make it practical. As much as I try to imagine myself leaving Egypt, witnessing the plagues and eating some sheep, it's not hard. But we all have things we are enslaved to.

So I decided to find something to free myself from. And so far, I am doing ok. Should I succeed, should I rise above this challenge that has been weighing me down, I know I will be better for it. I will be able to approach Matan Torah with a lighter heart... these chains (pun intended) will be lifted and removed...

3 days down...  

Morning Run

I wake up

The sun has been in the sky

For hours

I lace up

Get up

Get out

Get going

Get moving

Get gone

Get lost

In my head

My thoughts

I run

To feel something

To remember

That there is pain

That doesn't hurt my heart

My wild, wicked heart

My cage

Cannot stop its running

So instead

My legs

Must pick up the pace

To catch

What has run away

And today

Maybe I'll overtake 

My racing heart.

Precious Words

It's happened again. I have been resigned to whispers, soft spoken words, because anything louder scratches the insides of my throat, like a beast trying to claw its way out. I have been forced to slow my lips and loosen my ears, to listen... to hear. The world feels different when I cannot shout my protests of injustice. I have tried. I want to fight back. I hate feeling suppressed and unable. But no one wants to listen when they can't hear.

I remember in school when they would show us videos... (those forbidden things that play on the microwave...) and there was always that one kid who wouldn't shut up. We would raise the volume, and so would that kid. Eventually, listening became too much of a strain and we all just lost interest.

That's how I feel. People have lost interest in me. Without my voice, I am simply a less interesting version of myself.

But... this time of silence has given me the unique opportunity to listen to others. To hear their thoughts, their opinions.

The ideas of others are truly fascinating. There is so much potential and creativity in the world, just waiting to spill forth from tight-trapped lips, because at some point, no one cares to listen to someone else.

So... world... I cannot speak. So I will listen. I want to hear your thoughts and ideas. Your wishes.... dreams... your speeches and monologues... I want to hear words of inspiration or desperation.

I want to know what you think.

What are you thinking?

Sigh of... Freedom?

How fitting

That as we speak of freedom

From what enslaves us

I have been freed

From the possibility

Of you.

I feel as if the chains

Around my ankles

Have been snapped and burned

I can walk with lightness in my step

The heaviness in my heart

Isn't so heavy anymore

That feeling of "what if?"

Is now a resounding "not happening,"

And I can be at peace with that

I had the patience

(Or not)
To see where this chapter would go

But I can close this book

I can shut the door

On you

On us

And now

I can focus on me

And all I can be

Without worrying

What you think

Cuz to be honest

Did I ever really care?

(Probably...)

But not anymore.

Lonely

Does it matter

If my days are busy

And full of good

If every second

Is occupied

By something meaningful

What is that meaning

If it means nothing to me?

If every part of me

Inside my soul

Remains empty

And alone

The clocks keeps ticking

And time is sticking

Congealing into a mass

Of slow moving

Soul stealing

Mediocre

Moments

Of

Loneliness.

Productivity or Just Procrastinating

I have always felt

There is a fine line

Between being productive

When pushing something off

And simple procrastinating
Today

Was one of those days

Dentist

3.5 mile run

And a shiur

Pesach cleaning (or just crap cleaning)

And still

I feel like

I have just been

Pushing off something

Something important

But...

I just can't quite put my finger on it...

Maybe it is buried beneath

Six years of "memories"

And useless garbage...

And maybe I'll figure it out...

Soon.

Madness

Fell down... down...

D....

....o.....

.........w......

..............n.....

A rabbit hole

But 

This is not wonderland

There is no Queen of Hearts

Because my heart

Still beats in my body

My head

Still attached at the neck

But

What the heck

I would rather 

Be smoking with the caterpillar

Lost in a haze

Than be wandering

In this

Not-so-wondrous maze

Because there are beasts a-wandering

And as I run

I stumble upon

Madness

Someone

Who might be

Mad for me

Mad about me

A kind of madness

That makes me feel

Like my heart

Can conquer anything

Monsters will not scare me

And trouble will not terrorize

But

As I open my eyes

In the bright light

I realize

That the rabbit hole

Was just my front stairs

And now my back hurts from falling

And my heart hurts

From wishing.

Love

When the bribes run out

And the pot of gold is empty

When the threats quit working

And instilling fear fails

When your hand becomes tired

And pain no longer creates pause

When your tongue goes a dry

And a million words have no meaning

When you have nothing left

And no plans in place

When hope is hopeless

And happiness is hazy

When there are no options

And escape isn't possible

Then, and only then

Will love remain

And love, true love

Can conquer all

Critics

The critics

Will always criticize

With sharp tongues

And judging eyes

They will find flaws

And faults with all

When it comes to unnecessary comments

They will gladly answer the call

Snide remarks

Are their specialty

And they hurl insults

With such ridiculous glee.

The critics

Criticize

But because of their hurt

I will rise.

Today, We Enter

Flashback a couple hundred years... imagine the scene... a trembling queen... a king with intelligence below average... a wise man... a wicked plot... an enemy...

If you haven't guess, I am talking about Purim.

There are so many themes and concepts that emerge when speaking about Purim... the re-acceptance of Torah... the destruction of Amalek... the necessity for believing in G-d... I am sure you have heard a few... and maybe you have heard this one before, but in trying to make the Torah relevant to my life, I will share with you my thoughts.

In reading the story of Purim, hearing the many retold versions of Mordechai and Esther and most explanations, Achashverosh isn't really portrayed as a smart man. He drinks a lot. He has a hard time thinking for himself. In a moment of rash decision, he executes his wife. He blindly gives over his power to a man with questionable motives. Overall, he is generally seen as a "silly", shikkur and shoddy king.

Esther, the righteous niece/wife/cousin of Mordechai, comes from a rich lineage, a prestigious dynasty of Jewish royalty in their own rite. She becomes queen and by way of Mordechai's harsh rebuke is placed in the devastatingly tricky position of being the sole redeemer of the Jewish people, sentenced to genocide by Haman.

And so, she fasts. She prays to Hashem to save her; Hashem who is hidden throughout the text of this story. She knows that going to Achashverosh uninvited is reason for beheading. She is literally putting her life on the line for her noble and necessary cause of saving the Jewish people.

She prays "Keili Keili..." as she enters the royal chambers of Achashverosh and as she does so, she passes idols on her way "Lama Azavtani??". Her spiritual cleansing and connection that she attained through fasting and prayer vanishes. The protection she had built for herself falls away. And she enters.

Achashverosh raises his scepter and grandly offers up to half his kingdom to the fearful queen!

Fast forward in the text. Esther invites Achashverosh and Haman to a party. Then to a second party. She reveals Haman's plot. Haman is killed. The Jews are saved an can fight back against the genocide incited against them. We sing, dance, drink and eat in celebration. Hooray!

But you knew all this. So why am I telling you this?

I think that we all face an Achashverosh in our life. A situation that feels so formidable and daunting that we are so afraid and just want to get out. We pray. We find it hard to eat. We approach the situation and feel as if Hashem has forsaken us. And then, we look back following the situation and see that the "enemy" or situation we faced wasn't quite so frightening... it really was like approaching a drunk dumb king and... we were never alone. We had the strength we needed all along. G-d was always right there.

I'll admit, it is easy to say "oh, it wasn't so bad" after the fact. But what if we went into every difficulty and thought... "this isn't so bad. Nothing is more powerful than G-d... so any force I face is simply a less threatening version of anything I think because G-d can change things in a moment!"

Just some food for thought...

On a personal note, there was a year in my life where every day literally felt like I was walking into Achashverosh's chamber. I davened and prayed for redemption, for a scepter to be raised towards me in kindness. In took a year for that to happen. Looking back, it was a year of growth. I needed it. I needed to realize that the only One I can rely on G-d, especially when those I am closest to, or trusted the most have forsaken me. Even in my darkest moments, I retained the knowledge and belief that G-d would always do right by me, whether it was the way I thought it would be done or not.

I truly feel that at one point or another, we are all like Esther. We are facing danger. The enemy is all around. And at that moment, the only place to look is up, to G-d.

Heartbreak

I have watched

I have heard

I have felt

The heartache

Heart

Break

Nails on a chalkboard

That skin chilling cry
Of everything being lost

Every dream

Desire

And hope

Shattered

Battered

Broken

I have tried glue

And nails

Tape

To repair

The cracks

And mess

But at best

Someone knows I care

At worst

They realize there is nothing

I can do

And for you

I would go to the end of the earth

And back

But for me

My heart will stay

In pieces

If I stray

They won't know

About the pain

Honey Date

Once dated
Already jaded
Piles of papers
And lists of names
To pick
Pick off
Or picture
Meetings at midnight
And the roundtable
Lobbies are off limits
And arcades are just limited
Miles crossed
Hearts tossed
Forget the man
Marry the idea
That marriage
Is reached
By the road less traveled
Because you must be mad
To wander down this thorny path
But if I meet you at the clearing
Will you be more endearing
Than the man who couldn't rise to the occasion?

New Direction?

Sometimes I sit at my computer to write a post, and think Do I really want to share this with my anonymous blog world?  When I first began this blog, I was an angst-ridden teenager who was too angry with the world, and too restricted in how much of my mind I could speak. But now, I have matured (in some ways) and grown up. I don't see the world as such an oppressive and cruel place. I have made my own place. I am happy where I am in my life now. Sure, there are things I want to happen. I still have dreams, desires and wishes. But my plans for life are starting to fall into place, piece by piece. It's fun to watch the puzzle of my future be put together.

With that being said, I am no longer that angry high schooler who needed to have some place to vent about how unfair life is. So my question is, what direction will this blog take? I have thought about turning it into a "lifestyle" blog, but that will probably turn some people away. And I am pretty sure there are enough "shidduchim" blogs out there to keep everyone occupied with how they will marry off all those anonymous bloggers.

So... where to go? What direction should I turn this blog? Far left? Right turn? U-Turn?

Hm....