A Freilichen Purim!

A Freilichen Purim! IYH we should merit to see Yeshuous like we read about in the megilla and welcome Moshich Tzidkainu Bim'heira V'yameinu!
Below is the label I attached to my shalach manos (you can probably get a good idea of what the theme was, and how it looked. Maybe later I'll post pictures of it. It was pretty cute if I do say so myself!)

Tests of Life or Life of Tests?

Today we were told about
College courses we could take
Immediately I thought
Wow, how great!

A chance to get ahead
And get the ball rolling
But then I was reminded
There really is no way of knowing

Will I end up in the college of my choice?
Or in the position I seek?
Will my ties of friendship remain strong
Or became brittle and weak?

Will I get the job
I so badly desire
Or will I be a out of work student
With no one looking to hire?

Will I get to work with kids
Or behind a wooden desk
With one stinkin' assignment
Or boring task?

So today, this week, this year
Tests and quizzes are all I see
But are these things really
The only things testing me?

History, English, Math
Does it really make me
Who I am
Or who I am going to be?

Do tedious lessons
Prepare me for what's out there
Should I even bother,
Do I really care?

Does literature about babies switched,
Or the devil taking souls
Really matter in the grand scheme
Of reaching my goals?

Is my life better lived
Taking tests
Or living them
And trying my best?

Cuz being marked in Heaven
Matters to me more
Than how high the number is
When I see that red pen score.

Pain, Loss, and Surviving

I can't even imagine
The suffering
She is experiencing
It isn't right.
How can someone,
So good,
So true,
Go through this kind of
Pain?

I know she can conquer
And come out
Stronger than before
But this kind of loss?
Stays forever
And I don't want her to hurt
Ever
At all.

And it's not my place to say anything
And I never will
But if I could
I would tell her
I cried for her
Her loss
And for her faith
To remain strong.

Life cut short
So small
And fragile,
And suddenly,
Gone,
And I can't ever say a thing
That I was hurting with her
Because still,
I can only imagine the pain.

Just know,
These things I say
You will never hear
But even though we aren't
The best of friends
Or even so close
I admire you with all my heart
And you have inspired me
And I will try to take
Whatever lessons I can
And let that serve
As a way to uplift
That which was lost
To something greater.

How Can I Help You?- Chesed in Action

An open to letter to all Chesed volunteers for every organization out there in the world... thank you for everything you do. You continue to inspire me.

Parties to plan
Events to coordinate
Will call you soon
To let you know the date.

Bake cookies
Drive a car?
For chesed, one hundred miles
Is never far.

Deliveries
And work to be done
Helping you out
Is so much fun!

Calls to make
Brownies to bake
Your willingness to help
Really takes the cake

An hour of my time
I am sure I can spare
Because for this cause
I truly do care.

A Sunday event
Lasting the whole day?
I think I have a few hours
To spend that way.

Words can't express
How much it means to me
When you volunteer to help
And do so so willingly.

It continues to amaze me
The chesed you do
Even when I call last minute
Straight out of the blue

Concerts, visits
You never ever stop
Even when you are exhausted
And ready to drop

Helping out
You do with grace and flair
And all the work you do
Continue to show you care

From the bottom of my heart
I thank you again and again
Especially when I call, text, write
Nudging to no end

You give of your time
With a wide open heart
And it is truly that trait within you
That will continue to set you apart.

Vacation and The Real You

Vacation is great
Or so I've been told
But I have something to say
If I may be so bold
About something I heard
A teacher did say
You become who you really are
When school is away
Vacation is a time
To look deep within
To introspect and relax
Far away from the din
So if you daven each morning
And pray each afternoon
You'll be that person you want to be
Very very soon
But if snow days and breaks
Give you license to slack
Then all those wasted days
You'll never get back.
Your list of things
To accomplish and achieve
Will get pushed off
And leave you to grieve
About all the things
You should have gotten done
But instead you wasted time
Making it like you're having fun.
Time alone
Is often for good
But sometimes it can be deadly
And put you in a bad mood.
Thoughts going astray
And time running away
Black and white things
Suddenly look gray.
Blustering winds
May keep you inside
But from your real self
There is no way to hide

If Fluff Holds Us Together...

...What will keep us sticking if we throw it away?

Fluff... I got tons of it... I use for my research papers, for facades I put on for my friends, for respect I try to show my teachers... it's not real, it's just fluff! I used it when it came to my music and my books, things I read and things I watched--pure fluff.. overly sticky, never good in vast amounts, pretending to be all pure and clean, but really, if you stick your hand it, it's impossible to get out of... fluff...
Seems innocent, right? When it comes to fluff as a food, it's awesome! It's great for camping-- rice krispie treats, s'mores--yum delish, right? But in our lives, our day to day activities, it's dangerous.
You may think I am kidding... most probably you're reading this and thinking is this girl normal? Fluff? What in the world?! And you have every reason to think that... but think about this...
How often do we turn to falseness and transient things to fill our days... does it really hold us together? Or does it just get us into deeper, sticker messes?
So if we get rid of all our fluff, what will keep us together, hold us tight when we feel like falling...? What, if not fluff? There has got to be something, something stronger... and that my friends, is faith. Faith that giving up the fluff will make us fantastic people... (nice use of alliterations, don't you think?) Fluff... it's good... a little gashmius goes along way... but a lot of gashmius will only drag us into sticky, unsafe territory... so be careful how much fluff you spread on your life.

Speaking Yeshivishe

Baruch Hashem, Bli Ayin Hara, I am able to post this poem. Im Yirtze Hashem there should be many more, Kein Yirbu. B'Ezras Hashem, this poem will impress something upon you. Maybe.

I had a very rude awakening the other day
There in class I sat so sweetly
Like the good student I am
Until I was shocked completely

We were preparing for a test
That is months and months away
But they decided we had to start preparing
On that very day

I listened as I should (or we could pretend I did)
In that Ivrit learning class
Cuz if I didnt pay attention
This test I wouldn't pass

Shem etzen and shem to'ar
Were the topic to be discussed
And I thought I knew it well
Until my thoughts were rudely mussed

For if Ayin, as in an 'eye'
Is a female noun
Then it has to have a female adjective
To take it to town

So Ayin Hara is not correct
And in my yeshivishe lingo I thought I sounded so shtark
Until my teacher kindly decided
To ignite a furious spark

The proper way to speak this phrase is Ayin Hara'a
And all this time I had it wrong!
Well in a sense I was right
Cuz I was speaking yeshivishe all along..

Little Leaf

Little leaf
Please hold on tight
Though you may think its time
You're not ready to take flight...

Yes, the other leaves around you
Are falling, flying fast
But you're time little one
Has not come to pass

You must hold on
For there is so much you need
Please listen to my words
Take note, please heed

The winds around you
May be blowing hard and strong
For you little leaf
It is imperative that you hold on!

I see you struggling
Torn between what is happening to you
Little leaf, listen closely,
Your time is not through!

If you let go
You won't live on
You'll fly off into the wind,
Though free you might be, you'll simply pass along

You'll fly into the sky
Soar for a bit, and then what?
Beneath someone's foot, or in a car tire
You will be crushed and caught

Little leaf, listen!
I beg of you, please!
Hold on tightly
Along with the other leaves!

Don't let yourself be pulled
Or blown into the wind,
Under foot, or under cars
Little leaf, do you wish to be pinned?

Wouldn't you rather,
Be safe attached to a big strong tree,
That can help you to live life long
Safely and happily?

Little leaf,
This is the life for you!
Don't let the wind push you around
Or tell you what to do!

Little leaf,
Don't you know,
That if your "stuck to this tree"
It's the only way you can grow?

I Remember

I remember walking down that path when it was just you and I. We held hands, laughing, telling jokes, just happy to be together..

Best friends...

Life was so simple...

The wind blew softly through the trees, the sun shone gently beneath the waving leaves. We sat on the smooth grey rocks for hours telling each other stories, reminiscing about our days without a single care in the world.

And when we weren't sitting, we were roller blading through the shadows as fast as we could. We were invincible! Nothing could touch us, nothing could stop us! I remember thinking that I never wanted the happiness, the care free attitude, the peace to end. I just wanted to keep soaring, keep flying, with you right by my side.

All the things we said, and even things never spoken we understood as if they were shouted out loud. When something went wrong, I never had to explain myself. You just got it. All of our weird habits and secret codes were the true manifestation of our friendship--only we understood, and that was all that mattered.

So what happened? Where did the simple sunny days and laughter go? I searched for your voice, your smile yet somehow it kept eluding my grasp. I would reach out to catch it and just as soon as it was in my hand, it was gone... just like you...

Looking Back

You know how when you grow up you like to think that you aren't holding on so tightly to the things that made up your childhood-- dolls, toys, books, friends, teachers, schools... You're older, more mature, and way beyond the juvenile intricacies of childhood... certain friendships were only temporary, teachers were just a bother and school was such a chore... yet something comes up and sparks your memory.... suddenly, you're transported back to when you were just a little kid... everyone around you was so big, so smart and you felt so cozy and safe in that little world of childhood. It was a time in life when nothing could hurt you, you were always happy and really, the little things did make you smile! You think back to all the foolish antics you performed, all the trouble you got in for silly things and think Wow, look how far I have come... Yet you also can't help but think that you want to go back... back to the friends who didn't judge... back to the teachers who it was OK to hug and kid around with... back to the principal you had a strong bond with.... but of course, you're all grown up, so none of these things should matter... yet without them, you wouldn't be the person you are today! It's because of all those little things that you became such an outstanding individual with amazing talents and traits... its because of the teachers who built you help, the principal the guided you with love and care and the friends that taught you what friendship and trust are all about....
I don't know about you, but to me that's what looking back is all about... recognizing that you really aren't past all those things... because honestly, without them, who would you be?

Must Be Hard (It's Only Four Years)

Dear Friend,
It must be hard
Living in the dark
Living in the lies
That you're constantly fed:
No one cares
No one understands
No one is listening...

Society has warped you into believing
That you are alone
That everyone is against you
And you must face your raging battles
Alone
With no assistance
Or help from anyone...

I feel so sorry for you
That you believe such lies.
Enemies?
Are you facing an Arab
Straight in the face?
Because if not,
There is no hatred so strong in a person
That you could call someone an enemy
Or they could consider you the same.

It's only high school,
Or didn't you know?
In four years you'll be done!
In four short years,
Though they seem so long
All the pettiness:
Jealousy, envy, greed and hatred,
Will wash away with time

Because thank the One Above
Girls grow out of their insecurities
And stupidity.
Don't fall prey to the
Drama! Intensity!
Because honestly,
They are only trying to make their lives seem
More interesting, more exciting
When really
They are just like everyone else.

So now you're sad,
Now you're upset...
What are you going to do with those emotions?
Wallow in them?
Bury yourself beneath their false comfort?
Indulge in them and let them consume you?
I think you know better than that...

Find someone to talk to...
There is always someone...
A friend, a teacher...
And when you can't find someone you can see
Turn to the One who is always there
And always waiting to hear from you.

Don't be another girl
Who lets what others think of her
Create who she is.
Paint your own life,
Write your own story
And if you wish,
Leave out the parts
About the other girls
Who were simply foolish to believe
That it was all about them.

Friend... I believe you are hurting.
I believe you when you say things are hard
But that doesn't mean you have to drown within those thoughts
Channel them to make yourself do something!
Let them guide you to a better place,
Let that hurt, that pain
Lead you into the comforting arms
Of the One who cares the most.

And after you have done that
Do me a favor
Let me know how it goes.

With love,
Your friend

Digging

Grabbed my shovel
Ready to dig
Beneath the surface
Beneath the visible layers
That are so obvious and apparent
To find something more...
The sun shines high in the sky
The wind blows breezily through the trees
The scene is set
And I?
I am ready...
One shovelful...
Two...
I see treasures!
Shimmering in shades of gold and silvers,
Glimmers of red and hints of blue,
Gems, precious stones,
And more, and more!
I have hit a gold mine!
A diamond's rough
Is mine!
And I continue,
Digging
Digging...
I am in the hole now,
The shadows creeping around me,
The treasures piling up...
More...
More...
It's getting hot now...
Hotter...
Hotter....
Where am I?
What is this place?
Where did the sun go?
And the breeze?
My treasures may reach the sky
But I can't see it!
The heat,
Oh, it's unbearable!
I dug too deep.
Those visible layers are now gone,
So far away,
And those comforts of knowing the obvious
Are far from my reach.
The treasure... once so precious
Where has it gone?
Why has the sun dissappeared?
I only wanted to know,
To find more,
To understand the depths...
Does digging deeper,
Mean losing myself,
Within the darkness that comes,
With going lower and lower,
To find more?
And in this struggle to know,
When is enough,
Enough?
When is too much,
Just right?
Treasures....
Digging...
Did I dig too deep?
Should i set my shovel aside
And climb out of the rut
That I put myself in?
Or do I expand the sides of my hole?
And if I do that,
How can I get myself out?
So far deep...
Digging?
Or done?

Wow...

Not so long ago,
That sad, angry person was me,
Yelling at Hashem and the world,
"How can this be!?

"This isn't my test,
Something went wrong!
And I have no idea,
How I can go on...

"I just want to hurt myself
To release all the pain
How can all this suffering
Be part of your plan!

"I am not strong enough
To handle what is thrown my way
So just take it, please!
Just take it all away!

"This religion, being Jewish
It's not meant for me,
Right, wrong, keep straight,
It's not easy!"

But honey, hearing it now
I hear how crazy it sounds
Cuz amazingly enough,
I can say I've been around.

So listen to me,
Don't be harsh, or rash
This test you're struggling with,
I know you will pass!

You've done it before
And you'll do it again!
Nothing is over
Until it's the end!

There is still time for change
To change your situation
And head for a brighter
More beautiful destination...

So calm down, take a deep breathe
Just breathe
Look to Him, and it's so simple
All you have to do is believe.

Almost 3 AM

It's almost 3 AM
And I wish I were sleeping
Instead of keeping quiet,
Tip-toeing and creeping...

With so much to do,
Only a few days to get it done,
Luckily for me,
This is kinda fun!

Smooth like ice cream
Everything is going right
Despite the tiring fact
That I will probably be up all night...

Pictures flying by
I really almost there!
And I really gotta be finished,
The deadline is near!

All nighters have never really been
A part of my high school career
Cuz let me tell you honestly,
They are a pain in the rear!

Truth be told, I am not so tired
Though I could really fall asleep
Once this project is finished
I will finally soar and leap!

Sitting in front of two computers
Totally enraptured in this world,
Who knows what sort of magic
Is soon to be unfurled!

Just two, three days away
Really can it be?
I sincerely hope I make it
Albeit, a bit sleepily...

Waiting for something
To do what it needs to do
I thought I would write this poem
Just to be able to tell all of you...

That...
Life...
is...
Good...

Simcha on Stage

When the lights go dim
Does it mean that the acting can finally begin?
Can another side suddenly shine through
This facade of me, or perhaps a reflection of you?

Your smile, your shine, your glistening glow,
Underneath the makeup and costume, does anyone know?
Can anyone assume, or can they tell?
As far as I can see, I performed my part well...

But when the lights go up, and the curtain is drawn,
Can this radiant smile and ringing laugh go on?
The face that was pretending, can it really last?
Or will it simply fade into a memory of the past?

I wish to be what you all think of me
I think maybe I am there, playing it honestly
And maybe the facade has reached into my heart
Can it be, I am no longer simply playing the part?

The script memorized, are the very words I echo and speak
Words, conversations, enthusiasm and joy repeated week after week
The Director Above has directed me in ways I have never known
And after tonight, I hope that He is smiling in His Throne.

I know I keep posting similar themed poems about plays and the like.. there is a good reason for it. One, production is now! Two, this life is a stage, and we are here to perform in order to perfect ourselves for the World to Come. If we smile bright enough and reflect joy to others, Hakadosh Baruch Hu takes note. He sees every smile, every kind word and adds it to His calculation. Were you a star? Are you the center of the spotlight? Perhaps your job is off to the sides, away from center stage? It doesn't matter where you are in the grand scheme of it all, as long as you do your very best where you are put and make the best of it, no matter the troubles, mistakes or slip ups that come with it...
Keep smiling...
Someone Above is smiling with you...

Witnessing a Miracle

I can't even explain what happened... one second I was watching her through a screen... the next, I saw her in person. A small person, but an incredible world onto her own... a living, breathing miracle, the very manifestation of Hashem's ever present guiding Hand... I wish I could give more details, but to protect the identities of those involved, I can't.
All I can say is... there really is Hashem in this world.
Wow....

Kid! (Inspired by "Oh The Places You'll Go)

I have to say, despite some of his more silly poems, Dr. Seuss is a genius. Read Oh The Places You'll Go to see what I mean. The underlying message in this poem is incredible.

I wrote this poem a while ago, I think to cheer myself up. Was going through a rough time and was trying to write some self-made chizuk... So here it is... hope you find something chizuk-y in it too.

Kid! (Inspired by “Oh, The Places You’ll Go”, by Dr. Seuss)

Kid, you cry,

But why?

Did someone die?

Did someone say goodbye?

Kid, why?

Why oh why?

Why do you cry?

Wipe your tears,

I’ll remove your fears,

Sure, life isn’t crystal clear,

But I’m always here,

And He’s everywhere,

He’ll lend you his ear,

You’re His precious child, so dear.

Come near me,

Listen close: you can be,

Everything you want to be,

And everything you see,

Is there for the taking, it’s all free,

Just call out with a plea,

Then go on a spree!

But be careful, watch out,

Some bad things may be about,

You’ll scream, you’ll shout,

Trapped in despair and doubt,

But a chance for hope will sprout,

To pull you from the aching-breaking drought.

Step left, step right,

Push through the darkness and see the light,

You’ll emerge victorious from this night,

Kid, just fight!

You got the power, you got the sight,

To soar to the highest height,

To be free from your plight,

And even though they may scorn and spite,

Kid, you’ll be all right!

You have the power to achieve good!

You know what to do, exactly what you should,

And I knew you could!

Pull down your angry hood,

You make think you’re misunderstood,

But you can still do good!

Do what you want to do,

But do it for you,

No one else has to have a clue,

Cause you’ll always make it through!

Kid, you are scared but true,

So real, it scares me how much you grew,

Kid, you soared! You flew!

You always had the power in you!

Sometimes you may fall,

But hear my call,

“You will once again stand tall!”

“You’ll get through it all!”

You may suffer, you may have to crawl,

You may fight or end up in brawl,

Or walk down a dark, despondent hall,

But my name, my love, you will recall.

So today you are afraid,

But kid! You’ve got it made!

My love for you will never fade,

You will never be betrayed,

For you, I prayed,

And together we played,

Then fell laughing in the shade.

The time spent with you, I would never trade.

Kid, I love you!

Don’t you see it’s true?

I’m crazy about you!

And you know what to do,

Get away from the sadness, you’ll pull through,

And if I'm lying, so sue!

But you and I together, just us two,

Together we will pursue,

And fight and fight, the whole night through,

Kid, you’ll emerge victorious, it’s true!

And I’d do it over… just for you.

Kid. I love you.

Doesn't Last Forever

Cuz I got over it
(Though it took some time)
I thought it might be nice
To put it to a rhyme...

Lost some money
Was feeling blue
Do these kinda things
Ever happen to you?

My brain goes a little fuzzy
And I forgot where it was
But there must have been a reason
Could it be cuz...

I gotta learn that material doesn't last forever
So I can't really hold on,
Not to say I shouldn't be upset
And simply say "so long!"

But to realize and see
It's all in Hashem's control
And all of these happenings
Are part of a bigger goal:

To see so clearly
With wide open eyes
That losing things, but seeing why
Is really winning the prize

So Baruch Hashem
The money was found
I am feeling much better
And now joy is abound!

Happiness and
Peace of mind bring
The clarity to see
And reason to sing!

So yea, this made me sad
But now I am as happy as can be.

So...
I can smile for a friend
And mean it honestly.

Shining friend
It's all a bit rough
But life's little lessons
Are making me tough

Another day awaits me
With more struggles to win
Friend, you've given me strength
To overcome and still grin!

Climbing Mountains

I was saying a poem outloud last night... the truth of the words scared me so much I began to cry. Things like that don't happen to me... The poem can be read here. Yes, I wrote it, but the idea wasn't mine... it's something that faces us each and everyday-- the decision to make the right choices, or succumb to the wrong ones that will hurt us in the future.
Lately, I haven't been doing so well... lack of sleep and too much work can make a person think some bad things...a friend told me the other day "sheva yipol tzadik vakum." Now, I know I am no tzadik, but all these falls and struggling to get back up are helping me to become one-- someone who sees the struggle and understands that it isn't a reason to stumble rather, a reason the work even harder to rise above them and climb ever higher. I was reading "Mountain Climbers," by Malky Feig this Shabbos. The stories presented there express challenges we all are faced with at one point or another in our lives, or know of someone who has... Mountains say a lot about the past of Klal Yisroel... many major events in our history took place on, by, or near a mountain... Akaidas Yitzchak... Matan Torah...Binyan Beis Hamikdash... Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini... Eliyahu and the false prophets... so is it any wonder that when we discuss struggles and difficulties we parallel those things to that of a person climbing a mountain? Those events on our history represented different stuggles-- Avrohom sacraficing his son and Yitzchak, willing to let it happen.... recieving the Torah after two hundred and ten years in Mitzrayim; Klal Yisroel throwing all their faith and belief into Hashem completely... building the home of Hashem... as well as watching it being destroyed... Eliyahu, one man amongst many who didnt believe, trying to make them see truth... Mountain climbers, struggling to bring Shem Hashem into the world through incredible trying situations... Climbers simply don't see what is in front of their faces-- rocks and dirt, instead they see the summit at the top where they can look around and gaze at the wonders of the world... Our Avos suffered greatly but they didn't see just their present situation, they saw the future where their actions would influence others to make the right choices!

For those of you who read my poem posted the other day (which I subsequently deleted) you saw how much my struggles affect me. They hurt me a lot, just like a mountain climber aches all over as he climbs ever higher... so yes, struggles hurt, and difficulties are hard to cope with, but as each one passes, with each one we over come we become stronger and are able to climb higher.

The poem linked to at the top of the page is the culmination of our lives-- standing before HakadosH Baruch Hu with only our mitzvos to defend us and stand with us... so why shouldn't I cry? I'm scared-- there are so many mountains I must climb in order to have those mitzvos hold me closer... but it's climbing those mountains that are bringing me closer to Hashem...

So, it is tough, it is hard, but Baruch Hashem I have been blessed with friends who care, a family who loves me and teachers etc. who want to show me how to climb higher...

It's tough... but it is so worth it.

Getting There

Just a little thought before Shabbos Kodesh...

"People search for the city of happiness without realizing it can only be found in the state of mind."
(R' Paysach Krohn)

And don't we all strive to live in the place? Isn't this exactly what happiness is? Putting yourself in the frame of mind where outside influences don't determine your internal emotions. So it doesn't matter how much you have, because the poorest person could be the happiest person.. it's all about where you travel to and how you get there... so while you may not have the fanciest car to get to where you're going, be grateful that you are able to get there, and surely that will put a smile on your face, and when you smile on the outside, you can smile on the inside...

Have a great Shabbos!