Trust and Release

How fun it is to realize,
To grow and learn
That life is a never ending process
Of bridges to set fire and burn.

Finding someone to trust
Is like a needle in a haystack
Impossible to come across
Leaving a never ending lack

The moment I released
What was weighing down my heart
You moved on
To a new life apart

I don't want to rely on others
For this simple reason alone
Because sooner or later
You can only make it on your own...

Flowers, Reflections and Double Lives

I wanna believe you are true
Like a flower to the sun
I turned to you
Somehow you were like
A breath of fresh air
But maybe it's because
You never were really there
Just a fleeting image
That flitted through my mind
And a concrete idea of you
Is getting harder and harder to find
You are who you seem to be
But if that were the case
Then am I really me?
Or just a reflection of who I am around you
The person I want you to see?
Yea, that person isn't me.
Double lives
Two sides to the coin
When will the different aspects of me
Become coherent and join
To create one united entity
When will all the parts of my life
Come together and create me,
Whoever that may be....

Why Is It So?

A friend came over last night and we spoke for a while about her grandfather who is sick. I tried to give her chizuk, ways she could help herself cope, and reason to smile and find the good in life, even when it seems so impossible. Her grandfather has been sick for a while, and in fact, wishes to die. His pain is so great, he has been dehumanized as he can't even go to the bathroom on his own.
She came to me to discuss this because of my experience with sick children (see my posts about Wonderland). I gave her my perspective on the situation, and ways she can accept the answer to her burning question.

Why is G-d doing this???

It's a valid question. We may never know the answer, but we can ask. And I told her, you can be mad at Hakadosh Baruch Hu. You can yell at Him, you can cry to Him. But you cannot ignore Him. Don't push Him away, because the moment you do, every ounce of hope is gone. When you have no one to talk to, no one who understands, HE does, and He desperately wants to hear from you!

My experience with sick children is such that I draw so much from them. Yes, their situation is awful. But so much can be gained from engaging with these children. Illness in any form is tragic, there is no doubt about that. I know kids, I know adults, who have every right to sulk around all day, to be mad at the world, to be mad at G-d, but somehow, in their darkness, in the shadows of their lives, they find light and spread it to the world. They show the world, "We may be hurting, we may be in pain, but it doesn't control us."
Every time I watch this video, I cry. But this family, this child! epitomizes what it means to find the light, even in so much pain!
I can't give my friend the answer to her question. I can't even begin to try.. I am no doctor, rebbetzin, nor do I know the full extent of the situation or all the cheshbonos involved, but I can tell her: Even though it is hard, even though it is difficult, you can still be happy... you can still be strong! Call to Hashem, cry out to Him! Load your burden on Him, and you will find yourself feeling so much lighter....

I hear about too many sick children, too many adults passing on... it hurts, and it's hard, and I have been angry at Hashem for what He does... but then I realize, not a thing that He does is bad... I just need to find the good in it all...

Im Yirtze Hashem, we should only have refuos, simchas, and brachos in our lives...

It's Shabbos Now

It's been a long, trying day. Plenty of things to do, lots of running around... trying to stay awake... and just keeping going. No stopping.
The night settles in... everything calms down, if only for a bit. There is still so much to do. But... I want to relax....
And then, a most gentle, fragrant and warming scent begins to permeate the air. It's soft, sweet, succulent, and makes me salivate. Suddenly, there is a heavy hunger in my stomach where there wasn't one before. I inhale deeply, letting the rich aroma wave around in my nostrils. It is so heavenly, I can feel a lift, an elation. My mood has changed, my mind set is so much lighter.
Despite my efforts to detail the beauty of this scent, my words could never do justice. It must be experienced on an individual level... a personal indulgence, only momentary, but enough to understand the incredible scent I wish to convey...
True.... I am referring to food. But it is food on a different level. A different level entirely. It is a scent that is combined with the anticipation of the day to come... a day that in and of itself has its own soul-lifting scent. It fills the air... and while we may try to speak of it, describe it or convey it, it must be experienced to be fully enjoyed.
Shabbos is not just words that we express. It is a life changing time. It is the cement of who we are-- what holds us together. And oh! How pleasant it is! It lifts us, molds us! It enables us to be better people, to better appreciate all that we are given. Shabbos settles in and suddenly, we feel different... on a high... and in fact, we are. We are in the upper realms, reconnecting with Hashem. And up there, is the most heavenly aroma we could ever enjoy... And while we are not there yet, we have a piece of it down here. It comes every week. It nourishes our souls.
It's Shabbos.

Soaring

I saw it there
As we were driving by
The wings of an eagle
Taking flight into the sky

Carrying on its back
The souls that long and desire
To reach great heights
And soar ever higher

It flew into the clouds
Disappearing in a second too soon
In time it will ascend
And at night, neighbor with the moon

Only to reach its destination
And light up in the sun
Because the souls yearning for home
Have finally become one.

Overflowing, Spilling Out

Drop by drop
Filled to the surface
Crystal clear
And sparkling.
Radiance as it catches the light
The streams swirl within its confines
In delirium it is ethereal
It is happiness
And safety combined.
And then.... spilled over
Drop by drop
Removed of everything it tried to be
Full, and complete
Now half there,
Almost half gone
The optimistic sees the potential for fullness
And the pessimist realizes that nothing will be left
When trapped in the middle
Of being filled
And forgotten
The cup starts to crack
And then everything
Explodes

Vote!

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Aspects of Me

Upon hearing the revelation about certain aspects of a  person's personality, the almost initial reaction is to DENY DENY DENY!
That's not me! I don't do that! 
And then a person takes the time to think... and realizes, that the world certainly views him/her differently than a person views him/herself.... and realization settles in.
Am I really like that? Do I really act that way? Could he/she be right?
Acceptance... understanding... discomfort....
And then the promise (bli neder), the resolution to change sets in. Things must change. A person must behave differently... Arrogance, defiance, selfishness, vanity or any other number of similar personality traits are not becoming of a growing, thinking, changing person. They reflect all that is wrong in this world. And they must be changed. For the better... or for nothing at all. A person may look in the mirror and see all his flaws, but his self-understanding is somewhat limited. Who we are is, though it's hard to admit, not solely based on our own opinions of ourself. What others think of us do form our personalities...
We are not our own person at times....
At times we have to change, based on what others view of us...
I guess I am like that sometimes.... now how can I fix that?

Unity- A Video

This video came out a few days ago in support of freeing Shalom Rubashkin. Many Jewish artists came together to create this video, an inspiring song with an uplifting message: We must stand together. Klal Yisroel is one unit...
We are united.
We are Unity.


www.unityforjustice.com

Camp Simcha/Chayeinu does Waving Flags in Mamilla! (Israel)

Here's some footage of Camp Simcha/Chayeinu in Israel performing "Waving Flags" in Mamilla Mall!

http://wejew.com/media/9396/Camp_Simcha:_Waving_Flag_Song_in_Jerusalem/



Awesome, isn't it?

The Magic Burns Bright

The days drifted to an end
And hearts were heavy with wonder
What would happen to it all
The magic of this summer?

The last bus left
But we left our hearts behind
Still a sense of hope
Slipped into our minds

Because when there is so much love
And so much to give
You learn that although it's difficult
Fond memories can be relived

The fight continues
Every day, it's a battle field
But you have an army of friends
Who will never let you yield

With laughter, joy and constant support
They stand by you every moment of every day
They are the ones with the power
To take the pain away

The magic still exists
There are those who perform it with care
A constant glow sparkles in the night
A reminder that friends are always there

Sometimes it's hard
And you want to give up and give in
But we stand by you firmly
Child, you will win

And while we stand to fight for you
You give us the power to persevere
Until we are all together dancing
In Yerushalayim, IYH, this coming year.

Just a Little Bit- Chipping Away at our Block of Ice

When Yom Kippur comes around, I understand that everyone gets into the "moment" of doing Tshuva. Of course, it is a crucial time for us to introspect and come to terms with things we have done or said and make amends for our actions and deeds. But we must be reminded, Yom Kippur is NOT the only day for repentance. It is written that a person should do Tshuva before he dies. Does a person know when he is going to pass away? No! That means we must do Tshuva everyday, every possible moment we can.
A speaker came to my school yesterday to discuss Yom Kippur. He had us all take out a piece of paper and write down the four step process to doing Tshuva.
1. Vidui Peh- admittance of our actions outloud
2. Charata al ha'ever- regret for our actions
3. Kabalah al ha'asid- accepting upon yourself to change
4. Azivas ha'chait- Letting go of our previous actions.
Obviously, the enormity of this list cannot be denied. These are the the very steps that will IYH merit us another year of healthy and happiness.
But then he told us to draw a big X through our written last.
There was an audible gasp. In all my years in school, we had never been told to cross out that list. It is pivotal to our existence! We were almost up in arms with this Rabbi.
And then he really brought us down, to see how unbalanced our perception of this list is.
We can write it down a thousand times. We can know the Hebrew terminology and be able to write it down verbatim, spit it back when asked and quote it whenever. But do we REALLY implicate in our lives? Do we REALLY do Tshuva?
He then went on to explain how we don't need to wait until Yom Kippur. Begin the Tshuva process before. When we come to Yom Kippur, we often feel weighed down by all of the sins we carry with us into Shul. We stand before Hashem, our backs bent, beating our chest in submission. There is a huge block of ice on our backs... but should it really be so heavy? Why not begin to chip away at that ice before Yom Kippur? Why not begin repentance, true tshuva beforehand? If it means a more meritorious judgement, what is stopping us from beating our chests earlier? What is stopping us from going to Hashem on a regular Thursday or Tuesday and saying "Hashem, I made a huge mistake. I am so sorry for what I did. All I desire is to be close with you. Please forgive me for my actions so that I can come to closer to you. It's all I want."
And isn't it in truth? Hashem is our Loving Father. He so badly wants a relationship with us. But when we sin, we drive a wedge between ourselves and Hashem. It builds walls, higher and higher that we only add to unless we take action. Tshuva removes these walls. Tshuva stops bricks from being added to what is blocking us from Hashem. We must take the time now, in these precious few hours before Yom Kippur and do Tshuva. Think about one thing you did wrong... yesterday, this past week, month and year. Go to a quiet place. Talk it out with Hashem. Tell him how badly you want to be close with him and how sorry you are about what you did. And don't just say it. MEAN it.
Come to Yom Kippur a bit lighter, cleansed and ready to show Hashem that you are worthy of being inscribed in the Book of Life.

IYH we should all be judged for a good year full of health and happiness. May we only we of b'suros tovos in Klal Yisroel and all those who need a refua, find one speedily.
Gmar Chasima Tova.

Tug of War

When you consciously choose to fight yourself, there is this fleeting sense of victory. Like when you outsmart yourself, then of course you have won! Or so it seems.  In truth, when fighting yourself, trying to prove the victor, you only end up tearing yourself down. And when that happens, no one wins.
It becomes an inner tug of war. The side of you that wants to do what's right is pulling and pulling and in fact, that side of the line is such a pleasant place to be. It's light, happy and sometimes, if you listen closely, there is music playing. But the other side... oh how tempting it is to not fight it, to just let yourself be pulled into the darkness, the clutching fingers that hold tight. In that place, you can see the light. It's within reach. But slowly, almost in an unnoticeable way, you are being pulled away from it. It's like falling into a pit, slo-mo... Both sides in their own way look appealing, and the pull towards the dark side of the line is so intriguing, mysterious.... so why not let yourself be pulled there?
It would be so easy to let go. It would so easy to not try.
It would be so easy to go off the deep end. It would be so easy to not care.
But is easy what's best?
Do we get any pleasure from things that are easy? Does a marathon runner have an iota of accomplishment if he doesn't put in the effort to train? To push himself?
Does a teacher enjoy teaching if there aren't difficult questions to answer? Does a mother feel proud of her daily doings if there isn't some struggle? Perfecting the recipe everyone loves?
No one likes pain. No one likes to exert themself more than they have to. But the reward, the inner feelings of pride and joy are so much more worthwhile when they are worked for... an extra drop of sweat... extra time thinking... testing and trying...
Life is about pulling. It's about pushing. It's about testing self limitations and pushing them as far as you can in order to achieve self accomplishment.. for the right reasons.
So you are pulling on a rope. Both sides want you.
What are you going to fight for?

Where's the Music?

The faint melody is fading fast
Something tells me this soothing song
Is not going to last.

I watch as the last note
Dances off into the distance
And I follow it by rote.

Where's the music?
The song that used to play
That engaging tune
That used to carry my thoughts far away.

The symphony I used to orchestrate
No longer plays in my mind
All the black dots and strokes have begun to disintegrate.

Where's the music?
I kept it so close to my heart
How can it be that something I held so dear
Has begun to fall apart?

Where's the music?
The song that you used to sing
Where are the words to your lyrics
That I was obsessed with writing?

I watched, and listened with heart ache
As the sounds of happy delirium
Slowly fade away, leaving me left to break

Where have the sound of happiness, joy and wonder
Disappeared to in a fleeting moment
Leaving only the horrid sound of menacing thunder

Where's the music?
The delightful sounds that used to enrapture my mind
I miss the music that used to be playing endlessly
Where's the music that I am so desperate to find?

Not the Only Crisis

She sat at the end of the table as the dutiful guest that she was, absent-mindlessly stroking her knife. Or so it appeared to be absent-minded. To anyone watching she just seemed in her own world, not really paying attention to the conversation that was slowly brewing among the other guests. But to anyone who knew her, and knew her well, they would have quickly whisked the knife away as it was a subtle sign of the storm that was beginning to brew inside of her "world."
It was more talk of the "Shidduch Crisis" that was disturbing her. Again and again, she heard the same conversation about how to fix the "problems" and who was being "affected". Everyone had some brilliant plan to fix the problem, what the Rabbis should be doing, how the girls should approach the "parsha" and how the boys are mistaken in their thinking.
To her, it was becoming a boring topic to be involved in, so instead she sat quietly, stroking her knife, hoping no one would ask her her take on the whole "maayseh". Her parents would be disappointed to hear that she found the whole process to be intriguing, almost exciting, and she couldn't wait for her time. Her siblings would be ashamed to hear that she had fallen into the trap of the current Orthodox society. Her friends, though not present, would have been nodding in her sympathies, agreeing whole heartedly that she was on the right track.
Truth be told, she did think three-dates-to-engaged was a bit fast, but add a few more to that, several hours of talking and the mutual agreement of wanting to build a similar home, uphold a matching lifestyle, and she was sold. The allure of going on a date, talking late into the night, walking in a not-so-secluded place by moonlight seemed like a pleasant way to meet her husband. She wasn't interested in the college dating scene which would involve more drinking than anything and single mixers just seemed like she would be a prize at an auction... all the interested bidders just walking around, eying the merchandise carefully. She was not interested.
Was it so wrong of her to think that there was a way that someone could find her a suitable husband, one person to another, without having to go through crowds of boys? Unrealistic expectations perhaps, but to avoid the crowds was much more appealing. Maybe she wouldn't find her bashert on the first (or second...) guy, but that didn't mean she wanted to drop the whole idea of Shidduch dating.
And so she sat, her own ideas about the whole process, her own hopes and dreams swirling above her head as she blocked out the conversation at the table.
Her knife was now warm on her fingers. Gingerly, she picked it up to cut her now-cold chicken. It fell apart quickly beneath her knife... and soon, so much else would begin to do the same.

The Preciousness of Time and the Year to Come

In less than 24 hours we will stand before the Melech Malchai HaMilachim as He determines whether we are worthy of another Rosh Hashana in His world... Perhaps He thinks it's time for an upgrade and we just don't fit the bill... maybe He thinks we squandered away too much of His precious gift of time and we don't deserve more... Maybe... Maybe....
But maybe, He thinks we are trying as hard as we can and we deserve another chance.... maybe He so desperately wants to write us down for life and we just need to push, pray and beg from the depths of our souls for this chance.
Maybe...
It's almost Rosh Hashana... Yom HaDin... we are being judged by the only being whose opinion matters.
Will He judge us for good?
And if He does, with the time we are given, will we strive to fulfill His will?
There are 8600 seconds in a day. 8600 chances to do great things. In EVERY SECOND of the day we can perform a mitzva... simply by accepting Ol Malchus Shamayim.... simply by saying I LOVE HASHEM with our whole heart, our entire being. The Six Constant Mitzvos may seem simple and unimpressive compared to all the grander chesed we can perform but moments before Rosh Hashana, those six mitzos can mean the difference between life and death. It can mean another year.. or not.
Another year IYH will greet us all. Will we rise to the occassion and serve Hashem as best we can? Will we love Hashem with our entire being and fulfill His mitzvos? Or will we ask Hashem "Zachreinu L'Chaim" simply because it sounds better than the alternative?

Tomorrow is the last day of 5770. Take the time, however much or little you can give and do a chesed, a mitzva. The positive things you do tomorrow will stand by you forever. When you go up to the Final Court, after 120 years, the good things you did today and tomorrow will stick like glue to you. They will defend you. And perhaps doing a chesed tomorrow may involve some discomfort. But is a few minutes, or maybe an hour of discomfort in this world worth more than FOREVER in the next world? Or is a few moments of sin worth giving up Olam Haba?

Time... however much we were given we must utilize to the fullest. For Hashem. For others. For giving reason to give us life.

And when you stand before Hashem will you be able to show Him you deserve more time?

Tomorrow... Yom HaDin... I'm not perfect. I know it. I have wasted time, let time pass without doing something with it... But I know that I will do my best to utilize it to the fullest should I be granted more.

Hashem... Zachreinu L'Chaim.... V'Chasveinu L'Chaim....

Kesiva V'Chasima Tova to all. May this coming year be one of bracha, hatzlacha, parnasa, yeshusha and simcha for all of Klal Yisroel

(Based on a speech by R' S., R' Wallerstein)

Introspection and the Fourth Conversation

I hope you know
That the time has come
To review
All that has been done
A year of choices
And chances you took
Now you must take a moment
To review and look.
Have you grown
And changed this year?
Have you become
Farther or near?
Did you change
How you speak?
And remember the honor the Shabbos
As it comes each week?
Have you been a better friend to all
And to distant relatives
Did you remember to call?
Do your actions differ
From a year ago
Are you different
Did you discover something new you didn't know?
Do people call to you
When they find themselves in need?
Are you someone who can be relied upon
To fulfill and complete a deed?
Are you beloved by all
Or just tolerated by most
Do you walk around haughty
And think you have what to boast?
Are you slipping and tripping
Falling where you stand
And simply replying
"I'm unable, I can't."
Are you prepared to stand before your Creator
With all your actions laid bare?
Do you realize the severity,
Do you even care?

Conversation 4

We're back at this again?
I guess so.
Do you even care anymore?
Not sure I do... it doesn't seem wrong. If it did, then maybe I would have a problem.
You have been very desensitized.
Probably.
It's a little sad to see you like this.
Well, it's a little sad that I am talking to you, don't you think?
Who should you be talking to?
Anyone besides you.
Ouch.
You know it's true.
You're right. So what are you gonna do?
Go away. I'm sick of you.
That won't change anything. You are sick of yourself.
Hmph.
Have a good night...

Sometimes you have to say no...

But sometimes you can't.

I Keep Dreaming

How in the world
Can I sit here listening
When my thoughts of you
Are endless and glistening?

They dance across my mind
And beg me to go
Yet I am stuck here
Til the months past so slow

Going from giving everything
To nothing at all
Leaves a person feeling like they're at the edge
Treacherous to fall

Emptiness fills the spaces
That were once occupied by what I did for you
All those things were hard, yes
But I loved doing what I do

I keep dreaming
And my mind drifts away
Back to the place
Where I spent my happiest days

I just want to go back
To your rolling green grass and endless blue sky
Where music was always playing
And I felt on a constant high

Just let me come back
My heart aches to see you again
Cuz though I left
It was never really the end

I keep dreaming
Just dreaming, thinking on and on
About when we'll be back again
And you won't be gone...

Brick wall

Empty space

Thin lines

Tiny scratches

Cross outs

Not listening

Eyes closed

A faint song

Gentle reminder

A whisper

A shout

Yelling

Brave attempt

Talking

Talking

Above this

Past that

Still a kid

Forget