The Magic Burns Bright

The days drifted to an end
And hearts were heavy with wonder
What would happen to it all
The magic of this summer?

The last bus left
But we left our hearts behind
Still a sense of hope
Slipped into our minds

Because when there is so much love
And so much to give
You learn that although it's difficult
Fond memories can be relived

The fight continues
Every day, it's a battle field
But you have an army of friends
Who will never let you yield

With laughter, joy and constant support
They stand by you every moment of every day
They are the ones with the power
To take the pain away

The magic still exists
There are those who perform it with care
A constant glow sparkles in the night
A reminder that friends are always there

Sometimes it's hard
And you want to give up and give in
But we stand by you firmly
Child, you will win

And while we stand to fight for you
You give us the power to persevere
Until we are all together dancing
In Yerushalayim, IYH, this coming year.

Just a Little Bit- Chipping Away at our Block of Ice

When Yom Kippur comes around, I understand that everyone gets into the "moment" of doing Tshuva. Of course, it is a crucial time for us to introspect and come to terms with things we have done or said and make amends for our actions and deeds. But we must be reminded, Yom Kippur is NOT the only day for repentance. It is written that a person should do Tshuva before he dies. Does a person know when he is going to pass away? No! That means we must do Tshuva everyday, every possible moment we can.
A speaker came to my school yesterday to discuss Yom Kippur. He had us all take out a piece of paper and write down the four step process to doing Tshuva.
1. Vidui Peh- admittance of our actions outloud
2. Charata al ha'ever- regret for our actions
3. Kabalah al ha'asid- accepting upon yourself to change
4. Azivas ha'chait- Letting go of our previous actions.
Obviously, the enormity of this list cannot be denied. These are the the very steps that will IYH merit us another year of healthy and happiness.
But then he told us to draw a big X through our written last.
There was an audible gasp. In all my years in school, we had never been told to cross out that list. It is pivotal to our existence! We were almost up in arms with this Rabbi.
And then he really brought us down, to see how unbalanced our perception of this list is.
We can write it down a thousand times. We can know the Hebrew terminology and be able to write it down verbatim, spit it back when asked and quote it whenever. But do we REALLY implicate in our lives? Do we REALLY do Tshuva?
He then went on to explain how we don't need to wait until Yom Kippur. Begin the Tshuva process before. When we come to Yom Kippur, we often feel weighed down by all of the sins we carry with us into Shul. We stand before Hashem, our backs bent, beating our chest in submission. There is a huge block of ice on our backs... but should it really be so heavy? Why not begin to chip away at that ice before Yom Kippur? Why not begin repentance, true tshuva beforehand? If it means a more meritorious judgement, what is stopping us from beating our chests earlier? What is stopping us from going to Hashem on a regular Thursday or Tuesday and saying "Hashem, I made a huge mistake. I am so sorry for what I did. All I desire is to be close with you. Please forgive me for my actions so that I can come to closer to you. It's all I want."
And isn't it in truth? Hashem is our Loving Father. He so badly wants a relationship with us. But when we sin, we drive a wedge between ourselves and Hashem. It builds walls, higher and higher that we only add to unless we take action. Tshuva removes these walls. Tshuva stops bricks from being added to what is blocking us from Hashem. We must take the time now, in these precious few hours before Yom Kippur and do Tshuva. Think about one thing you did wrong... yesterday, this past week, month and year. Go to a quiet place. Talk it out with Hashem. Tell him how badly you want to be close with him and how sorry you are about what you did. And don't just say it. MEAN it.
Come to Yom Kippur a bit lighter, cleansed and ready to show Hashem that you are worthy of being inscribed in the Book of Life.

IYH we should all be judged for a good year full of health and happiness. May we only we of b'suros tovos in Klal Yisroel and all those who need a refua, find one speedily.
Gmar Chasima Tova.

Tug of War

When you consciously choose to fight yourself, there is this fleeting sense of victory. Like when you outsmart yourself, then of course you have won! Or so it seems.  In truth, when fighting yourself, trying to prove the victor, you only end up tearing yourself down. And when that happens, no one wins.
It becomes an inner tug of war. The side of you that wants to do what's right is pulling and pulling and in fact, that side of the line is such a pleasant place to be. It's light, happy and sometimes, if you listen closely, there is music playing. But the other side... oh how tempting it is to not fight it, to just let yourself be pulled into the darkness, the clutching fingers that hold tight. In that place, you can see the light. It's within reach. But slowly, almost in an unnoticeable way, you are being pulled away from it. It's like falling into a pit, slo-mo... Both sides in their own way look appealing, and the pull towards the dark side of the line is so intriguing, mysterious.... so why not let yourself be pulled there?
It would be so easy to let go. It would so easy to not try.
It would be so easy to go off the deep end. It would be so easy to not care.
But is easy what's best?
Do we get any pleasure from things that are easy? Does a marathon runner have an iota of accomplishment if he doesn't put in the effort to train? To push himself?
Does a teacher enjoy teaching if there aren't difficult questions to answer? Does a mother feel proud of her daily doings if there isn't some struggle? Perfecting the recipe everyone loves?
No one likes pain. No one likes to exert themself more than they have to. But the reward, the inner feelings of pride and joy are so much more worthwhile when they are worked for... an extra drop of sweat... extra time thinking... testing and trying...
Life is about pulling. It's about pushing. It's about testing self limitations and pushing them as far as you can in order to achieve self accomplishment.. for the right reasons.
So you are pulling on a rope. Both sides want you.
What are you going to fight for?

Where's the Music?

The faint melody is fading fast
Something tells me this soothing song
Is not going to last.

I watch as the last note
Dances off into the distance
And I follow it by rote.

Where's the music?
The song that used to play
That engaging tune
That used to carry my thoughts far away.

The symphony I used to orchestrate
No longer plays in my mind
All the black dots and strokes have begun to disintegrate.

Where's the music?
I kept it so close to my heart
How can it be that something I held so dear
Has begun to fall apart?

Where's the music?
The song that you used to sing
Where are the words to your lyrics
That I was obsessed with writing?

I watched, and listened with heart ache
As the sounds of happy delirium
Slowly fade away, leaving me left to break

Where have the sound of happiness, joy and wonder
Disappeared to in a fleeting moment
Leaving only the horrid sound of menacing thunder

Where's the music?
The delightful sounds that used to enrapture my mind
I miss the music that used to be playing endlessly
Where's the music that I am so desperate to find?

Not the Only Crisis

She sat at the end of the table as the dutiful guest that she was, absent-mindlessly stroking her knife. Or so it appeared to be absent-minded. To anyone watching she just seemed in her own world, not really paying attention to the conversation that was slowly brewing among the other guests. But to anyone who knew her, and knew her well, they would have quickly whisked the knife away as it was a subtle sign of the storm that was beginning to brew inside of her "world."
It was more talk of the "Shidduch Crisis" that was disturbing her. Again and again, she heard the same conversation about how to fix the "problems" and who was being "affected". Everyone had some brilliant plan to fix the problem, what the Rabbis should be doing, how the girls should approach the "parsha" and how the boys are mistaken in their thinking.
To her, it was becoming a boring topic to be involved in, so instead she sat quietly, stroking her knife, hoping no one would ask her her take on the whole "maayseh". Her parents would be disappointed to hear that she found the whole process to be intriguing, almost exciting, and she couldn't wait for her time. Her siblings would be ashamed to hear that she had fallen into the trap of the current Orthodox society. Her friends, though not present, would have been nodding in her sympathies, agreeing whole heartedly that she was on the right track.
Truth be told, she did think three-dates-to-engaged was a bit fast, but add a few more to that, several hours of talking and the mutual agreement of wanting to build a similar home, uphold a matching lifestyle, and she was sold. The allure of going on a date, talking late into the night, walking in a not-so-secluded place by moonlight seemed like a pleasant way to meet her husband. She wasn't interested in the college dating scene which would involve more drinking than anything and single mixers just seemed like she would be a prize at an auction... all the interested bidders just walking around, eying the merchandise carefully. She was not interested.
Was it so wrong of her to think that there was a way that someone could find her a suitable husband, one person to another, without having to go through crowds of boys? Unrealistic expectations perhaps, but to avoid the crowds was much more appealing. Maybe she wouldn't find her bashert on the first (or second...) guy, but that didn't mean she wanted to drop the whole idea of Shidduch dating.
And so she sat, her own ideas about the whole process, her own hopes and dreams swirling above her head as she blocked out the conversation at the table.
Her knife was now warm on her fingers. Gingerly, she picked it up to cut her now-cold chicken. It fell apart quickly beneath her knife... and soon, so much else would begin to do the same.

The Preciousness of Time and the Year to Come

In less than 24 hours we will stand before the Melech Malchai HaMilachim as He determines whether we are worthy of another Rosh Hashana in His world... Perhaps He thinks it's time for an upgrade and we just don't fit the bill... maybe He thinks we squandered away too much of His precious gift of time and we don't deserve more... Maybe... Maybe....
But maybe, He thinks we are trying as hard as we can and we deserve another chance.... maybe He so desperately wants to write us down for life and we just need to push, pray and beg from the depths of our souls for this chance.
Maybe...
It's almost Rosh Hashana... Yom HaDin... we are being judged by the only being whose opinion matters.
Will He judge us for good?
And if He does, with the time we are given, will we strive to fulfill His will?
There are 8600 seconds in a day. 8600 chances to do great things. In EVERY SECOND of the day we can perform a mitzva... simply by accepting Ol Malchus Shamayim.... simply by saying I LOVE HASHEM with our whole heart, our entire being. The Six Constant Mitzvos may seem simple and unimpressive compared to all the grander chesed we can perform but moments before Rosh Hashana, those six mitzos can mean the difference between life and death. It can mean another year.. or not.
Another year IYH will greet us all. Will we rise to the occassion and serve Hashem as best we can? Will we love Hashem with our entire being and fulfill His mitzvos? Or will we ask Hashem "Zachreinu L'Chaim" simply because it sounds better than the alternative?

Tomorrow is the last day of 5770. Take the time, however much or little you can give and do a chesed, a mitzva. The positive things you do tomorrow will stand by you forever. When you go up to the Final Court, after 120 years, the good things you did today and tomorrow will stick like glue to you. They will defend you. And perhaps doing a chesed tomorrow may involve some discomfort. But is a few minutes, or maybe an hour of discomfort in this world worth more than FOREVER in the next world? Or is a few moments of sin worth giving up Olam Haba?

Time... however much we were given we must utilize to the fullest. For Hashem. For others. For giving reason to give us life.

And when you stand before Hashem will you be able to show Him you deserve more time?

Tomorrow... Yom HaDin... I'm not perfect. I know it. I have wasted time, let time pass without doing something with it... But I know that I will do my best to utilize it to the fullest should I be granted more.

Hashem... Zachreinu L'Chaim.... V'Chasveinu L'Chaim....

Kesiva V'Chasima Tova to all. May this coming year be one of bracha, hatzlacha, parnasa, yeshusha and simcha for all of Klal Yisroel

(Based on a speech by R' S., R' Wallerstein)

Introspection and the Fourth Conversation

I hope you know
That the time has come
To review
All that has been done
A year of choices
And chances you took
Now you must take a moment
To review and look.
Have you grown
And changed this year?
Have you become
Farther or near?
Did you change
How you speak?
And remember the honor the Shabbos
As it comes each week?
Have you been a better friend to all
And to distant relatives
Did you remember to call?
Do your actions differ
From a year ago
Are you different
Did you discover something new you didn't know?
Do people call to you
When they find themselves in need?
Are you someone who can be relied upon
To fulfill and complete a deed?
Are you beloved by all
Or just tolerated by most
Do you walk around haughty
And think you have what to boast?
Are you slipping and tripping
Falling where you stand
And simply replying
"I'm unable, I can't."
Are you prepared to stand before your Creator
With all your actions laid bare?
Do you realize the severity,
Do you even care?

Conversation 4

We're back at this again?
I guess so.
Do you even care anymore?
Not sure I do... it doesn't seem wrong. If it did, then maybe I would have a problem.
You have been very desensitized.
Probably.
It's a little sad to see you like this.
Well, it's a little sad that I am talking to you, don't you think?
Who should you be talking to?
Anyone besides you.
Ouch.
You know it's true.
You're right. So what are you gonna do?
Go away. I'm sick of you.
That won't change anything. You are sick of yourself.
Hmph.
Have a good night...

Sometimes you have to say no...

But sometimes you can't.

I Keep Dreaming

How in the world
Can I sit here listening
When my thoughts of you
Are endless and glistening?

They dance across my mind
And beg me to go
Yet I am stuck here
Til the months past so slow

Going from giving everything
To nothing at all
Leaves a person feeling like they're at the edge
Treacherous to fall

Emptiness fills the spaces
That were once occupied by what I did for you
All those things were hard, yes
But I loved doing what I do

I keep dreaming
And my mind drifts away
Back to the place
Where I spent my happiest days

I just want to go back
To your rolling green grass and endless blue sky
Where music was always playing
And I felt on a constant high

Just let me come back
My heart aches to see you again
Cuz though I left
It was never really the end

I keep dreaming
Just dreaming, thinking on and on
About when we'll be back again
And you won't be gone...

Brick wall

Empty space

Thin lines

Tiny scratches

Cross outs

Not listening

Eyes closed

A faint song

Gentle reminder

A whisper

A shout

Yelling

Brave attempt

Talking

Talking

Above this

Past that

Still a kid

Forget

The Place Where My Heart Stand Stills

Here I stand

At the place where my heart stops beating

I catch my breath for a moment

And feel the rush of the wind

The shining sun.

For a moment

Peace reigns

In heaven on earth.

Safety surrounds

There is no bad here

Bliss, joy, protection

And love.

It is here

That my heart stand stills.

I think of you

Those who make my heart melt

And give me the strength to keep going

When I can't

You're courage

Is empowering.


I dream of you
Your paved roads
And radiant smiles.
There is something safe in knowing
That you are able to smile
When all the odds are against you
And that makes me realize
That things aren't so bad.


And when I am feeling down
Needed a boost to go forth
I'll think of you
And how you're thinking of this same place
And then everything will somehow be ok

Wake Up Call

What a way to start a morning
Just as I am getting out of bed
To hear some awful news
Come striking at my head

Not everyday can be like one in Wonderland
Where everything is safe and sound
And there isn't any sadness
In the air, none to be found

Real life comes hitting heavy
Not leaving a second to inhale
You don't get a chance to breathe
Or risk stopping and falling to fail

So I woke up this morning
Ready to start my day on the right side
And now I would like nothing more
Than to go back to sleep and hide...

Hashem, You run this world with such precision it's impossible to see the wonders of what You do... but some small understanding of why these things happen would be appreciated. I don't question You. You know everything that I don't... I just want to know why..

Camp Simcha Girls- March of Hope

Camp Simcha does it again...

Unbelievable

So it's been a while... a lot has happened since my last post... but I wanted to share something short and sweet with you.

I am in Camp Simcha right now (my second home). Today I spent some time with my rotating camper in the art room. I was a bit tired and overwhelmed but it was rather therapeutic sitting with her... She's sorta incredible. She was very involved in making a necklace-- blue beaded pattern. It was very elegant and suited her well.
But her creativity isn't what's so amazing about her... what's so amazing is that she is so creative... and she's blind.
And with incredible patience, she strung her beads, five seed beads, a light blue bead, five seed beads, a light blue bead, five seed beads, a blue glass bead, five seed beads.... for an hour she was at it... and let me say it again-- she's blind...

What's more amazing than that...

Rachelli Round Up

So it's been a bit...
Where am I now...

Life is pretty crazy...

You think you are doing ok... everything is fine... you're smiling...

Then... worlds crumble... and you want it all to end...

But somehow, that ray of sunshine bursts forth... and you move on...

A few bleeding, burned, and bruised body parts, extreme lack of sleep, uber amounts of food... adorable kids, tons of dancing....

It's magic

Back to WONDERLAND!

I can't sit.
I can't breathe.
I AM SO EXCITED!
Not sure if this means a blogging hiatus but I AM OFF TO WONDERLAND! So I might or might not be blogging but you can still read about all the action here @ www.campsimcha.org/blog
And be sure to check out the video from New York and spread it!


Muchos ahava,
RD

It's A Mime's World

Sitting on the edge
Just a stranger staring in
Am I in this world
To succumb or to win?

My world painted
In black and white
No colors to shine
No expressions to delight

Just an observer
Watching the crowd pass by
No one bothers to notice
Acknowledge or say hi

So relentlessly I try
To make my presence known
With a show, so distinct
And all my own

Hands held in front
Submission, I portray
Perhaps surrendering
To take away the gray

Around and around
I pull myself in this slow dance
With slow movements
I feel stuck in this sick trance

I stand before the audience
Who don't notice or see
Am I really so invisible?
Am I really stuck in this reality?

I try
In my own silent way
To prove my existence
But no one notices, to my dismay

I pucker my lips
And cross my arms
Sit down and pout
But can't raise the alarms

Just silence, silence
Sweet silence, precious quiet
While inside burns
A raging riot

But ne'er shall I speak
The thoughts on my mind
They are things that people
Would rather not find

The twisting maze
With no way out
The screaming voices
With no way to silence their shouts

The grabbing hands
That reached for what isn't there
An answer to a question
So simple and clear

Black and white.
Separate and distinct
But in my world
Nothing is that concrete

It's all confusion
All a mess
And still I try
To do my very best

Why Are You Throwing Yourself Down a Staircase?

Over at Inspirational Information, Devorah wrote this post about not giving up when mitzvos are in front of you. Though you may have missed one, it doesn't mean you have to continue missing them.
At a school Shabbaton, speaker Chevi Garfinkel, took what I think to be a different approach on this theme. She explained that when you are caught in a sin, whether it be stealing chocolate from the pantry or engaging in something more sinister, and you think you can't break out of it, you can! Simply continuing those sinful, harmful and painful acts is like throwing yourself down a staircase!
Ok, I get it.
You try it once, and dive down a flight of stairs. Wow! That was fun! Only a few bruises and broken finger. let's try it again!
Not!
That's just ridiculous! If a friend told you she was doing that, you would think she is crazy! Yet... maybe you do that sorta of thing --throwing yourself down staircases-- in your own life, in the figurative sense... giving into human desires, succumbing to the Yetzer Hara and just following his twisted will again and again and again... and you know it's wrong but you keep giving in.
If you have been following my posts entitled Conversation 1, 2, and 3, you can see my struggle, albeit in a vague way. If you haven't picked up on it yet, that's my inner conversation with the Yetzer Hara (Evil Inclination). Lately, I have felt like I have been throwing myself down a staircase. I just thought, "Hey, why not?" and kept doing it.  Not smart. Though it wasn't real, I was still in pain. And now I am trying to mend my broken body... well, my soul. I did some damage but I am going to fix it.
So now, look at yourself... have you been throwing yourself down a staircase? Now is the time to pick yourself up and resolve to climb those steps instead of crashing down them. I wish you all the best. I'll see you at the top soon...

Thoughts from a Theme Park

Oh my goodness... Was it really necessary to drive the three hours to get here? I'm sure the kids could have had a good time sitting at home with paper and crayons coloring without all the hassles of loading the car, packing food, diapers, entertainment, Tatty's sefarim so he isn't bittul torah... etcetera... the list goes on and on. And anyhow, I am expecting! Standing in the heat, yelling at the kids to not run off cannot be good for me... and I am SO hungry. Yitz said we would go the kosher stand but I am so not in the mood for overpriced greasy chicken nuggets. Yitz doesn't care. Deep fried and meat are two of his favorite food groups. Oh well. Maybe they have a salad or something.
Oh look! Tehilla loves the merry-go-round. And aw, Dovi is being such a good big brother holding on to her. I must snap a picture of this for Bubby and Zeidy. They rarely get to see the kids so they love when we send them pictures. 
Uch, Rivky is crying again. It's too loud for her here. Maybe if I take her on the lazy river she'll calm down a bit. Ok, I'll tell Yitz.


Aaaah, this is so peaceful! And Rivky is so calm! Yitz was such a mensch to take the other kids to the spinning rides. Those ones always made me nauseous. But this one is so pleasant. Hehe, Rivky loves looking in the water to find fish. Maybe I'll get her one as a present for being so well-behaved. Over already? All right... dinner time.


Yum... the stench of deepfried cheap meat. At least Yitz is enjoying himself... even if he isn't poring over his sefer. And Dovi and Tehilla are loving the finger food. Rivky is totally wiped in her stroller...


Well, I won't lie. Today was a tough day. We almost didn't come but I am glad we did. One day, down the road, my kids are gonna look back and remember and cherish this day... I am glad I can give them such experiences.... even if theme parks make me nauseous.

Conversation 3

So, we meet again.
Yea, you can do a victory dance if you want.
Hardly. I think you should be doing one. That must have been a hard decision.
It was... but I wasn't doing so well before.
True... but you wanted to change. And you did. I am proud.
But you scored points!
I did... but you are gonna win, I know it.
Why do you have so much faith in me?
Because... you have faith in yourself... you need to see that.
Thanks for believing in me... I'm having a hard time doing that...
You'll see. You'll be ok.