Over Shabbos...

Over Shabbos, I learned three things:

1) Fish is much more appetizing when presented in small quantities... not an entire salmon placed onto the table in which everyone sticks their fingers into. Gross.

2) Whenever I see a Chassidish Rebbe, the only thing that runs through my mind is He must be an Israeli government conspirator in disguise sent to radically turn the Chareidi community against each other!!! (This is what happens when you read too many Jewish novels.... every Rabbi is part of some worldwide plot to destroy the Jews. Oish.)

3) Even when surrounded by friends at a Simcha, it is possible to feel alone. Sigh.

Aside from those three things, I had a nice Shabbos. Slept. A LOT. And read (Escape From India, Avigayil Myzlik... good book if you want something a little less mainstream but with some typographical errors... but the plot's is good... and true!), which always makes me happy!

And to illustrate number 3....

A Smile

Every smile means something

No matter what you mean

It shows you can fight your demons

No matter how obscene

A smile can mean you’re trying

Even if it’s fake

It shows you have will power

That can never crack or break

A smile can mean you’re happy

Over hearing some good news

Happiness isn’t a right

But a way of life you choose

A smile can mean you’re sad

But holding back the tears

Although you’re torn up inside

You’re masking all your fears

A smile shows your strength

When you’re feeling weak inside

A smile shows the world

That you will never hide

A smile teaches bravery

The power to stand tall

It’s an inner beauty, so powerful

That will never be considered small

Hide and Seek I

There is only You
Somehow I can't find
Still seeking, counting outloud
One day soon the day will come
One day I will be free
To serve You, to love You
My closest friend
You seem so far away
I just want to know that You are here
So I fight, I struggle to find
I hear Your voice,
Now where is your face, your presence revealed
So obvious to see
Come out from Your hiding place
Wherever that may be
I am counting outloud
Can't you hear me searching?

Thanks for Nothing

I don't want to bother you
I just really need to talk
I'll try to keep it short
Because I know you're pretty busy
I don't want to take too much
Of you your time, but I am really hurting.
I've been smiling (or at least trying to)
Even though I want to cry
People believe I am true
But I feel so fake and I--
You have to go?
Ok. Nice talking to you
Thanks...
For nothing.

(I really don't know how much more of this I can take. Everyone is going to tell me it's a test and you're strong and you're going to pass and blah blah blah. I wish everyone would stop lying to me. I know you're reading this. SO WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME? i... hate... everything...)

Update: I asked you if you could find me a ride. You said you couldn't and I was fine with that, but don't tell me you know of another one but "they don't want to take people with them," because that doesn't help me out very much. You don't know it, but I cried after we hung up. I cried because you are in your own happy little world that you don't have any idea how much I am hurting without you... but now I don't even know if I want you around even though for so long that's all I wanted.

Crossing Bridges and Safe In His Arms

Today is a double day, hooray hooray!

"There are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed."

I am walking across a bridge
And in the fog of the unknown I can't see the other side
What lies in front of me is blurred and obscure
I can't understand why my own future has to hide!

So I step forward overwhelmed with fear and trepidation
What lies below is miles and miles down
I am so scared to slip and fall
Plummeting to my death on the ground

So I hold on to the sides, to whatever I can
But I AM READY TO LET GO!
I am so worn out and tired
Of trekking across this bridge into the unknown.

I keep holding on, though it hurts so bad
What else can I do? This is what is expected
To keep up my spirits and keep trying
Even when I feel depresses or dejected.

So aren't you proud of me?
That I held on throughout this ordeal
But I keep praying, hoping to wake up
And find out that none of this is real...

I have heard about bridges crossed,
But are bridges burned one and the same?
How much longer can I pretend
That I finished playing this twisted game??

I am holding on, hoping to find safety,
Perhaps I have almost reached the other side
And again, I have to ask, if this is my life
Why does my future have to hide?


Safe In His Arms
In his arms
Safe, protected,
Cared for
And he is,
concerned beyond comprehension
"Are you ok?"
"I am here for you!"
"Please come to me."
Someone to talk to
To turn to
When I feel lost, abandoned
Alone and scared
When I feel broken
And forgotten.
There he is.
Waiting for me,
To come to him.
Is this what Hashem's love
Feels like?

(PS. I really need to stop living in my dreams....)

Prisoner

I’m a prisoner,

Trapped behind these stone walls,

I cannot remain forever,

For the outside world does call.

It calls, it beckons, it begs,

For me to come and dance with the trees,

To come and laugh with the animals,

And sing along with the breeze.

It’s hard to imagine,

Life continuing this way,

Stuck inside these stone walls,

With not a protest to say.

It’s like a fever,

That burns with such passion,

To want to be outside this prison,

I cannot sit still, I must take action.

The leaves sway gently,

Mocking my inability to leave,

For how long must I wait here?

For how long must I grieve?

My heart feels light with the desire to escape,

It’s a desperate yearning I can't control,

I wish to join the outside world,

To finally please my soul.

The cool breeze is a reminder of my part,

When life was so carefree and joyous,

But now it seems so dark,

Those days long ago, I sorely miss.

When I didn’t need to worry,

And with the world, I could play,

I’d take life’s hand close to me,

And together we’d run away.

The warm air was my drug,

And to it I was so addicted,

It filled my heart with happiness,

I’d run around so freely and act just like a kid.

The world is many colors.

But all my days seem grey,

Because I want nothing more,

That to just run far away.

There are people on the inside,

Who continuously drive me insane,

They complain like children.

But what do they have to gain?

I can smile, for sometimes I feel elated,

I can shed tears, for sometimes I feel down,

But I will try so hard,

To turn my spirits around.

Throughout this life,

I have continuously found,

That it only takes one single word,

To turn it all around.

The prison may hold me,

As a captive each day,

But I’m relieved to know,

That soon it will go away.

The lessons they teach me,

Are one’s that are for life,

That will help me later

So I’ll learn them without complaint or strife.

The days may be long,

But I’ll try not to despair,

I’ll longingly away that day,

When I can get drunk on the outside air.

Knowledge

When I found this, I realized I had to post it. It so aptly describes so much of how I feel lately. So here you go...

Life made more sense,

When I didn't know it all,

When my breadth of knowledge,

Was tiny and small.

The more I know,

The more I want to hide,

The more I understand,

The more I want to keep it inside.

It hurts to try,

To find reason in confusion,

When soon it will just blow up

In a veritable explosion.

Waiting

I am waiting for you
I know you will come
The time will come
When all this pain will be undone

Until that day
I am waiting patiently for you
To show me all the things
That you can do.

I am waiting for you to show me
Love, care and affections,
The words and guidance I need
To go in the right direction.

I know I am not doing too well,
So I am waiting for your advice
I'll listen like I should
If you speak to me nice

Waiting is an awful thing
Which is why it hurts so much more
Are you the friend I am friends with now
Or someone from my life before?

Either way, I am waiting for you now
The one who can help me out
To show me the ropes, the ways
And what life is all about.

So I am waiting
For you, and only you
I don't know who you are
So I am waiting...
Patiently...
Can't you see?

It's Coming

A man was walking in the forest, through the bleakness and darkness, groping to find his way. There was no light. It was raining, no, it was pouring and the man had no shelter, couldn't see, and had no idea what to do. Suddenly, a flash of lightning lit up the sky, so bright it was like day. And in those .2 seconds, the man saw the path he needed to take. If he didn't hold onto that image of the path lit up in his mind, he would remain lost forever....

This past summer, R' Matisyahu Solomon's wife had a heart attack and was hospitalized. While saying tehillim next to his wife's bed, R' Solomon fell asleep and had a dream. In his dream, R' Ahron Kotler came to him and said, "If you remain in Lakewood Ad Bias Go'el Tzedek then you're wife will have a refuah shelaima."

What does this mean? What does any of this mean?

My teacher explained, that this meant Moshiach will come in the days of R' Matisyahu Solomon! It could be today, tomorrow or in five, ten, fifteen years but Moshiach is coming! And so, if he is coming, if he is on his way, are we in the right place to greet Melech HaMoshiach?

As I think about this more, I can't help but be ready to change. And I will. I have already begun, but I know that I am not ready to greet Moshiach. There is so much I need to do to work on myself. So I start today with something concrete TO HOLD ONTO THIS FLASH OF LIGHTNING, this INSPIRATION of what my teacher told me about the COMING OF MOSHIACH! How can I not do anything???

So, here goes....

Text Friends Forever

I write lol
Because what else is there to say
When you tell me in earnest
That you had a god awful day

I type in JK
When I really do mean
All those things written previously
That you see on your screen

I really don’t mean it
When I write kk
You think I am all right
With those rude things you say?

I understand perfectly well
That you gtg
But are you so blind
That you really cant see?

I cant stand when
We must rely on abbreviations
In order to prolong
Our non existent conversations

We try so hard
To make each line last
In order that another quick phrase
Will have the privilege to pass

I’ll ttyl
And you’ll sys
I just don’t think
That is for the best

Because we have never met
Each others faces we have never seen
Maybe we have but you’re still just a faceless stranger
That I read on my screen

So perhaps one day
we’ll rotfl together
and reminisce about the day when
our naiveté was engraved forever.

Hidden By Shadows

A small sapling,
Stands alone,
Amongst a forest of trees,
Already grown.

Shadowed by branches,
Trapped without light
The struggling sapling,
Knows only of night.

Fighting for air
To see the blue sky
The small sapling
Begins to cry

I am so small
With no around
I am just a weak twig
Sticking out of the ground

He begs to the silence
To be set free
The sapling is desperate to become
A proud, strong tree

The sapling begs
To grow so tall
How much longer
Must this sapling remain small

The forest around him
Is distant, aloof and seperate
This weak little sapling
Just doesn't seem to fit

So why bother
Will I ever grow strong?
I have been trying so hard
For so very long

I have no sunlight
The rain doesnt reach my roots
My sadness is forever
Could anyone dispute

The small sapling struggles
To survive anothe day
Will this pain and and these difficulties
Ever be ok?
Will they ever go away?

One More Chance (Working Title)

Current Date and Time: November 9, 2009 2:55 PM Eastern Time
Current Word Count: 20,663
Words to Go: 29,337
Days Remaining: 21

Three girls... three secrets...

When life circumstances get in the way of the hopes and dreams of three teenage girls, can they fight their inner battles and emerge victorious?
Rivky, recently diagnosed with a medical condition, refuses to let her new found illness get the better of her. She won't let it stop her from accomplishing her goals and projects and certainly won't let it change the way her friends think of her... so she simply doesn't tell them. Will the pain of being sick make her confess her secret...Or will the mounting pressure to simply hide being sick cause her to go over the edge?

When Chavi discovers her brother is sliding down a slippery slope, she takes matters into her own hands, sabotaging his escape plans, attempting to foil is dangerous dealings, all the while trying to remain steadfast in her belief that this is all for the best. Can she save her brother from a disastrous fate? Or will she lose herself in the process?

Lonely games are what Etty plays bests. She knows how to hide her feelings of loneliness, wearing a mask of happiness to fool everyone. Through her art she reveals bits and pieces of what is going on in her mind which seems to be her only way to channel out her overwhelming emotions that just keep building up. But time is running out on Etty's emotional clock and she ready to explode. How much longer can she ignore her feelings and finally admit that she isn't as happy or strong as she appears?

Three friends, struggling to make it through their junior year, learn that there is more to life than what goes on in their own world. Together they bridge the gaps that have opened between them and manage to find answers to the questions that haunt them every day.