Silent

I have held my tongue

I have tried to hard

Not to comment

To criticize

My city

Has been in flames

My community

Has been scared

And I

Have been riddled with anxiety

This is not the way

The world should look

Those who aim to protect those

Who aim to riot

Against those

Who protect

Those who riot

And it becomes

A never ending

Circle of

Hatred and destruction

And what do we accomplish?

What do we teach our children?

I believe there are problems

That need solutions

I believe

There are hearts that are aching

Oppressed

Rejected

Abused

And suffering

But what if we

Band of brothers

Decided to be the good

To be the change

The world

Could look so different

But instead

We take to the streets

With rocks and weapons

And loot our own neighbors

And that creates justice?

I am a small voice

And I should say nothing at all

But to be honest

It hurts to see this

It hurts to know that this can happen

And it hurts more to know

There is nothing I can do.

Questionable

I am divergent
I am the anomaly
They tried
Not to answer
I ask questions
That are questionable
There are no sources
For what seduces my mind
And sometimes I find myself
Wondering
If right and wrong
Are so black and white
Cuz I feel so heavy
Hanging near the light
And the darkness is just oh so tempting
Give me a little fun
And no regrets
One and done
That's all it has to be
So follow me
Down this rabbit hole
And see you on the other side
Of wonder

Love

Is love sensible

Practical

Or can it be

Radical

Magical

Can it make a sane mind

Lost to find

If we lose ourselves

Will we find

The other half

This path

To completion

Is riddled with riddles

And jacked up with jokes

I have to laugh

At what has passed

It has taught me more

Than any lesson

Yes

It does not lesson

The need to find

My hearts' mind

Found in the hand

Of another

Yet there is not other

Except you

Too true

I will search

I will find

I will be fine

After the Fire

They are debating your goodness
And questioning your kindness
They wonder about your love
And contest your concern
It was a fire
An inferno of uncontrollable destruction
But your affection
Is boundless as well
It it within our finite minds
That we limit your infinite wisdom
And try to make boundaries
Within which to understand
This tragedy
Because it is a tragedy
It is an awful, horrific
Heart wrenching, mind numbing tragedy
But you
Are the remedy
You give the cure
Before the curse
And we
Your children
Have to simply ask for it
And there it is

Baruch Dayan HaEmes
You are the true judge

Be Strong

I need you to be strong

I need you to realize

You have more power

Within

Despite what you look like

On the outside

I know you have been beaten

And battered

And have taken more abused

But you are still so pure

So strong

Be strong for me

Even when the walls

Crumble around you

Even when the world

Has turned its back on you

Be strong

Be strong

My little soul

Be strong

dance

It's 1 am. i just came back from a friends wedding. i wasnt planning on staying so late... or at all. But then I had a drink... and then another... and then another.. and then i felt happy... and there was music... so i danced... and as i went in circles....around ....around... i thought about how my life... is a series of circles... cycles... patterns.... right... fooot...left..hand... and then i switch it up and repeat. but its the same and then it isnt. i try to make sense,.. but its too loud, too dizzy...

I am at a place in my life where it is a constant struggle between wanting to disappear and wanting to be noticed. 

I love the attention... the thrill of being wanted.... and then all of a sudden, it is all too much. and i just want to get on a plane and fly straight to the mountain side in bat ayin where i realized that G-d is really in this world, the way He can make me feel so small.. and yet so big, so many possibilites, all t once.

and rightg now, the possibilities are swirling like the wind that has been messing up my hairs for the past two days. its relentless and destructive. how do i behave? what choices am i supposed to make? i dont want to lose an opportunity i am meant to have but i dont want to regret the choices i make that sacrafice my happiness. i want to be happy. i want to be fulfilled. i dont know what i want.

perhaps another drink. 

perhaps another dance.

I want to dance. I really want to dance.

How much I want you
Can only be matched
By how petrified I am
That one day you will discover
I have been wearing a mask
Solely because I know
The real me
Was never someone you wanted

Tonight

Close my eyes

Inhale deeply

Tilt back

And swallow

This sweet elixir

A quick fixer

My soul feels warm

My face is bright

On this night

Miracles can happen

Tonight

I will hang my enemy on a tree

And the ten accomplices

Who have torn me down

Will be raised for the world to see

And the runners

Will run

And we will fight

I will fight

On this night

I will no longer be afraid

Only I can

Save (myself)

No one else

Will redeem me

From the King

Only if I choose

To approach

Broken and submissive

Perhaps he will see

What my heart truly desires

What I long for

And wait for

If only

If only

We will rejoice

We will dance

Together in the courtyard

Of the palace

That will soon be built

And then

I will close my eyes

Tilt my head forward

Drink a small lip

He will smash a glass

And all the pain

Will recede to the past

As my soul feels warm

My face is bright

Remain Silent No More

It's a beautiful moment, a celebration worthy of a holiday for the ages. After being threatened with annihilation, the Jewish people have overcome the wicked Haman (BOO!) and defeated their enemies. We are no longer forced to bow to idolatry or fear attack. Mordechai is hailed as the nation's leader and appointed as the King's advisor. Esther is the heroine who risked her life for her people. A woman of valor.

Yet, when we sing about the epic salvation, we forget one thing... we forget one person... and as the story fades into drunken revelry and celebration, I see her standing at a palace window, staring longingly, filled with pain... and painfully alone. Although the Jewish people were able to make a quick separation from their enemies by the swore, Esther was still the Queen, married to the idiot King, the stable boy who never lost that brash and stupid attitude that he grew up with.

Do we think about Esther? Do we remember that while her nation was redeemed, her personal redemption never came? She was never able to support her husband in learning Torah or celebrate in unison the beauty of Jewish marriage.

I don't profess to know all the details of the post-Megilla story, but I can't help but wonder what really happened to Esther when the last decree was finalized and it was official that her people would not be wiped out.

Did she cry? Did she laugh? If she accepted Ratzon Hashem, and never felt cheated out of the life she could have had, what life did she end up having? She wasn't waltzing around naked at parties like the wife before, and how often would Achashverosh call for her attendance at his parties? Did she sit all day and say Tehillem? Did she attend royal meetings and give her opinion on the state of affairs? I wish I could ask Esther how she could remain strong for the years following the Purim story. I feel drawn to a certain poem written by a blogger I always admired (I wonder where he disappeared to...) 

Nisayon

Somehow...
I've always misunderstood...
just what a nisayon is...
where the true..
the true...pinnacle of a spiritual test lie..
but I think I now know...

Its not the climb..
that difficult time...
It's not the test...
that brings out the best..
that makes you sweat...
spiritualphysical sweat..
and it's not the feeling you get..
on your way down..
the subdued elational fall..
It's not the Akeida..
..................after all
we can all have our moments..
when called 
to Action....

It's the letting down your guard..
expecting some kind of reward..
It's the coming home...
from the Akeida..and finding
your wife dead of grief...
It's coming to work the day after..your climb..
and losing your best account..

when self righteous annoyance...
turns into selfless acceptance..
which in turn..
turns into...submissive bliss...

That..I'm afraid...
Is the moment...of Nisayon..

Esther made sacrifice after sacrifice for her people. No one can imagine the nisyonos she struggled with in the face of cruel and ruthless villain. Yet, was that her hardest nisayon? 

יד  כִּי אִם-הַחֲרֵשׁ תַּחֲרִישִׁי, בָּעֵת הַזֹּאת--רֶוַח וְהַצָּלָה יַעֲמוֹד לַיְּהוּדִים מִמָּקוֹם אַחֵר, וְאַתְּ וּבֵית-אָבִיךְ תֹּאבֵדוּ; וּמִי יוֹדֵעַ--אִם-לְעֵת כָּזֹאת, הִגַּעַתְּ לַמַּלְכו

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?"

But once we finish reading about Esther in the context of the Megilla, she becomes silent once more, her voice lost as Tanach is sealed for all time. 

Esther... we need your voice once more. We need you to beseech on our behalf once more so we can all be redeemed from the reign of evil and idicoy, so that we can rejoice with Mishta and wine and show G-d that once more, once again, we accept Him, we love Him with every part of our bodies and souls and want nothing more than to sing to Him...

Remain silent no more.

Let's Play

If we play it fair

And how dare

We do anything else

A piece for me

A piece for you

And you

And you

Oh what do I do

When I have no pieces left

I gave them away

Yesterday

Tomorrow

Today

Frivolously sharing

Not caring

That I would have nothing

At day's end

When night descends

And I want to rescind

Every piece I gave away

Only to hear them all say

It was your choice

And what is even more so

You should have known

Better.

Too

There are lies
I can't even tell myself
There are truths
Too awful to hear
There is love
More painful than death
And there is life
Too joyous to contain

Over This

I am so over this
The back and forth
Up and down
Can't decide
Make up my mind
Do I want you to be mine
More than I want to be fine
To be the portrait
Of what is expected
Oh, to be completely
Utterly rejected
A red 'A'
On my shirt
But would that hurt
More than denying the truth
Of what I really want
So we tease
We taunt
We flaunt
And we fake
We almost f...ell
But oh well
Someone had to be the grown up
Own up
To the childish whims
And wicked ways
That had us played
If I laid
To the desires
What liars
We would be
What liars we have become
But it is not the lies that destroy us
It is when we become numb
And can no longer decipher the truth
Within the prize
And so we take
The bad
The ugly
The deplorable
And make it acceptable
If only to feel something
Anything
Other than the crushing reality
That this was a game all along
And we have lost.
Everything.

Joy in Passing

I think it is very appropriate that my grandfather passed away just as the month of Adar began. Although he had been sick for sometime with a variety of ailments, he approached each day with happiness. Whenever I spoke with him, he always said, "hanging in there.. Taking it one day at a time," because everyday is a blessing and he recognized the goodness in each day. It is hard to find a place of understanding between such an incredible loss and the timing of such a loss. As Adar begins we are supposed to increase our simcha. We recognize that, like in Shushan, GD works behind the scenes. His ways are mysterious, but magical and majestic. Every occurrence in life was carefully planned. And so I must analyze the passing of my grandfather with it's time in the Jewish calendar. It isn't random. There was clearly a reason for it and I believe It has to do with The way my grandfather lived his life. He had set a goal around when he started to worsen that he would make it to my cousin's bar mitzva, his oldest grandson. He was determined to be there and he lived everyday with that goal in mind. His perseverance was really a lesson for me. He wanted it. He lived for it. And he lived happily for it. I could hear his smile in the phone when I called. Although he was probably in a lot of pain, he never let It detract from the fact that he was alive, he was living, and that is a beautiful thing.

If there is one thing I can learn from my grandfather's passing coinciding with the onset of the month of Adar, it is that life is meant to be lived with joy, no matter the circumstances or pain.

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

For the First Time in Forever... and It's Too Good to Be True

He likes me. He really likes me.

But he is several states away.

And several life stages behind.

But for once

FOR ONCE

He isn't a phony

A jerk

A liar

A creep

Or cruel

He actually he cares

He actually wants to try

To make this work

But I know

That with several states between us

And several life stages to catch up on

This isn't going anywhere

Except a straight trip

To the hills of heartache

Where I will roll into

A pit of despair

Until the next one comes along

And the games start again...

Have You Ever...

Looked at your life

And been shocked

By what you saw

The written word

And stone and law

Things you can't change

Choices that have been made

I didn't choose this path

The life chose me

I couldn't be

Anywhere but here

This is what I love

What I hate

But it feels so great

To know

It's mine

I can

Turn the page

Mature with age

Or act my shoe size

My lies

My life

Maybe it's wrong

It feels right

To stay up at night

Talking to you

Dreaming of a tomorrow

That's more colorful

Than yesterday

Let's just get away

And bring this life

With.

50 Shades of Wrong

I haven't read the book. I haven't seen the movie. But, I have read what others who have read the book and seen the movie had to say... and it seems pretty awful.

A controlling, abusive, sexually manipulative lover is not romantic. It's just that. Controlling. Abuse. Manipulation. Those things don't show up in the recipe for love. It's so sad that this is what the world thinks love is about.

When I was in high school (and beyond), the craze was Twilight. I read them all (I'll admit it) I remember that sickly, nauseating feeling of being sucked in (pun intended), thinking that THIS was true love and romance- the way he didn't let her go anywhere without him knowing, the way she was willing to die to live with him forever... and for what? I never saw any indication that he was a worthy partner except for the fact that he sparkled. Get real.

But to be loved... to be adored... to be treated with respect and dignity? That's what a relationship is all about. That's the feeling, the connection we should crave. Not sadistic, masochistic, self indulgent abuse. I won't see the movie. I won't read the book. The world has distorted what love is all about and I won't willingly sacrifice my dreams of a happy and healthy marriage for a bandwagon craze that will destroy the fibers of morality.

From miles away

I feel your hand

On my heart

Holding me

Through the dark times

Dancing with me

Through the light times

And running

Through the difficult times

Hand in hand

The world isn't quite so hard

To face

But it's your face

That I miss so much

And the miles between

Are stretching even further

Every day

That I feel closer to you

Could I go mad

From this space

That you both

Fill and empty

Simultaneously

Reminding me

That I am loved

And that I am alone

Fear

I trust you to do

No harm is all you do to

Me, I'm full of fear

Run

Run to fill hunger

Eat to fuel the run to face

The force that moves me

Word

I want every word

To mean more than one before

My pen is not still