Vulnerable

I don't think people realize how vulnerable we are until we see each other in our pajamas...

But if you are wearing a superman t-shirt, you might be safe...

Road Trip

Let's go out on the road

But please

Don't take me for a ride

I am not ready

To take a trip with you

We have been tripping through

This relationship

You call "friendship"

When were we ever

Actually friends

You never knew the meaning

The give and take

So fake

It's all about your insecurities

Self esteem

Or lack thereof

And I am so done

With trying to please you

Or even appease you

So the next time

You have somewhere to go

You better know

I won't be going with.

Over It

Over it

Or simply

Over being obsessed with you

Trying to decipher

It's just unclear

How I feel

When I think of...

Us two.

It's been

A year

I missed the anniversary

Of when we

Fell out of touch

Even though you touched

The deepest part of me

Am I really

Over you?

Or over what you did to me

Can it be

That you are

Over it too?

Today

Sticky hands

And smelly feet

Playing games

Never being neat

Hands in places

Hands shouldn't be

Who could judge

When I am cute as can be?

Runny noses

And chewed up sleeves

I may look sweet

But my smile deceives

Crayons and glue

Swings and slides

I am so young

I can't explain what I feel inside

So I will hit

I probably will scream

But it isn't really

All it seems

A Prayer

Dear G-d,

I pray to you

Two times a day

I try

But G-d

I sigh

I must confess

I am a mess

And only you

Know what to do

What my life will be

If it were up to me

I would fast forward through

See the man I will marry

The house we'll own

And the children we'll raise

But G-d

What I want the most

Is clarity

That precious rarity

That will help me through

And see that You

Have a plan

That may be hard

Cause alarm

But by far

Is the best for me

Sincerely,

Me

Two Years

It has been two years.

Two years...

Too long...

You are gone...

But your memory

Lives on

I didn't forget

How could I ever

Forget?

Someone as pure

As honest

As real

As you

And although

You are no longer here

You are still near,

Reminding me

To do good

To do more

To soar

So that maybe

I will see you once again

In that place up high

Where you watch from the sky

L'Zecher Nishmas Shimon Yosef ben Doniel Avraham

We Have Arrived

I can breathe

A sigh of relief

Ten days

Of sitting on the edge of my seat

Would I be beat?

Would I admit defeat?

Would I run out of

Food to eat?

Water to drink?

Would my house burn?

Would I turn

To rubble and ash?

Run out of cash?

Fall to illness?

I would be remiss

If I thought it was because

I was careful

Or possessed super powers
Because there is only One power

Who could allow me

Another breath

An escape from death

All around me

Friends have been falling

Have fallen

To flames and fire

To a journey that goes higher

To suffering

And pain

But somehow I

Have made it to today

And if you are reading this

You have arrived as well

So tonight

Tomorrow

Pray like your life depends on it

Because, dear reader

It most certainly does.

Gmar Chasima Tova.

Prayers

Two days...

Of prayers...

For..

A new year...

But for some...

That new year

Was just too far

To reach

Could another

Prayer

Have tipped the scales

Or was

There never a chance?

But we tried

G-d

We TRIED!

But still...

He died...

The man

Who taught me

What selflessness truly is

Who embodied

What pure chessed

Is all about

G-d

Did you hear us?

Why did you

Take him away?

Couldn't he have had

One more...
Million days?

All those prayers...

I hope

They will give another

A million days...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

Everything

Changes

Tomorrow

Nothing

Stays

The same

Tomorrow

I say goodbye

Tomorrow

I say hello

Tomorrow

I don't know

What tomorrow will bring

So for now

I live for today

And tomorrow

Can wait.

Wishing you all a Kesiva V'Chasima Tova...

Birth

Sometimes

It doesn't pay

To look away

To miss a moment

When G-d is staring you

Straight in the face

In this room

Where miracles

Are born

It's impossible

To deny

That Someone on high

Could bring this to be

And luckily,

He showed it to me

So if there was ever a doubt

It simply flew out

To the wind

To disappear

Into the atmosphere

But in my eyes

It is clear

And it is so precious

So dear

The cheer

Of birth

Upward or Inward?

Question: Why don't we recite Birchas HaChodesh on the Shabbos before Rosh Hashana? It would seem apparent that before the month that determines our entire year we would be extra vigilant in asking G-d to grant us Bracha, Parnassa...

Answer: Because the month that determines what our entire year looks like is dependent on us and what we choose to make of it. G-d simply makes it happen.

This was the gist of the Drasha my Rav gave this Shabbos and I have to say, it really resonated with me. We tend to get into this mode of putting so much of our hopes and desires into G-d's hands, like we should, but we forget that it is also dependent on ourselves what our life will look like.

G-d can deal us a difficult lot and we can be miserable, or we can think, this is a challenge, a struggle, and it will make me stronger, I just need to learn how to overcome, and overcome with happiness.

So... next week is Rosh Hashana... I am always a nervous wreck at this time. I look back at my whole year and think... Did I really accomplish anything? Am I any different? I start to mentally write down everything I did and look for that glimmer... and then I gulp and begin to sweat nervously when I think... another year is coming... another year of (what I hope will be) growth, expectations, obligations.... 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

It's maddening.

But then I realize. 

It's up to me.

I have made it this far. I can go further.

Kesiva V'Chasima Tova.

Tomorrow

Start again

Start over

Let's pretend

This is the first ever

And never

Have I

Done anything wrong

I never

Went so long

Without

Making a mistake

And if I take

One second to see

That all I can be

Is just around the sunrise

I don't need

The moans and sighs

Of desperation

And repentance

But just in case

I am hoping for acceptance

For my regrets

As I try

To go high

A level beyond

Who I have been

And if I sin

I know

Tomorrow

Will wait for me.

Truth

No surprise

What's the prize

For the time we

Haven't spoken

Unbroken

The months

Create space

Since I've seen your face

But it wasn't so long ago

So close

I wish I could have told you

The truth

It's true

I miss you.

Ships in the Night

Sailing the seas

Smooth water

And cool breeze

Navigation on track

Venturing out

No turning back

Miles of emptiness

No one here

Just me and the vastness

A star to guide

And no where to hide

That's why I

Panicked

When I saw a ship in the night

Passed me by

Its lights shining bright

Horn blaring

Why is scaring

The only way

To send a message

I get that you're the enemy

But some part of me

Doesn't really know

So show

Your true colors

Wave your flag high

And remind me

What it means to be

Ships in the night

Poison

We're pumping you with poison

I know it hurts now

But someday, somehow

You will look back

And thank us for this pain

For all that will remain

Will be the scar of where we injected

I know it's hard to imagine

When everything has been so dark

But there will soon be light

Everything will be

All right

I know you are smiling

For the audience that watches

As you take your last 

Pill of death

And the pain

Takes your breath away

But today is the last today

Today will be the last time

You see this vial

I know it is vile

But you will thank us one day

Some how

Some way

You will be ok

And all the fear

Will go away

One day soon

You will return

To the innocence you are entitled to

But for now

We must inject you

With one last drop of poison.

Close Your Eyes

And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

-Pompeii, Bastille

For those who agree with the school of thought that we have been here before, sent again to rectify a mistake from a former life, I think these words are very important. When we live our lives with our eyes open, never taking a second to close them and look inwardly, we lose sight of the bigger picture. We lose sight of who we are and who we are meant to be because we are so caught up in everything that is going on around us.

Sometimes we have to close our eyes and say, "This is what G-d intends for me. I am fulfilling G-d's will." Even challenging situations present the opportunity for incredible growth... How am I gonna be an optimist about this? How am I going to see the good when I feel like there is none?

So here I am... wondering, wishing and waiting, trying to close my eyes and envision the plan that G-d has for me when really it feels like He is just jerking me around like puppet on a string. Which I am. But every move He has conducted for me is done so with careful thought and diligence. I didn't just happen to end up here. Nothing just happens. G-d made it so. And if He did, the question is, how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

New

I just went through some of my posts from the past couple of weeks... and whoa! It seems like I have just been sitting under a rock, moaning and bawling like a baby. And that's not true. There has been one point of contention in my life that has sort of overshadowed a lot of that good that's been going on. And there has been a lot of good.

This summer, compared to others, has been filled with a lot of Simcha and Bracha. I have been having experiences that are new and exciting. I have made new friends, met new people, and seen the world with new eyes.

New.

There is a saying that there is nothing new under the sun, but the sun that shines in my life has revealed a lot of new things. Where I am now is better than where I have been. I feel challenged, but not frustrated. I am being tested, but I am not being bested. Every time I doubt my own abilities, I surprise myself by rising to the occasion and proving myself wrong.

Who I am today is not defined by who I was yesterday and it is no indication of who I will be tomorrow. I can be angry about certain situations that have been thrown against me, or I can just smile and not let them bother me. This is not to say that I am shirking my duties, but I am not being pulled down.

I have been in that place where everything bad just makes me fall in frustration. But no more.

Every morning is a new chance to be better, happier and more fulfilled, and that is where I want to be going.

So I apologize if I have been misleading you with my previous posts. I am actually very happy and very happy learning how to not let things get me down.

Switch

From a friend

To a fraud

I thought you were bringing me closer,

But you were really pulling me away from G-d

I used to look at you

With rose colored glasses

But as I look more closely

I see more clearly as time passes

You were never the good guy

You were devil on my shoulder

And this distance between us now

I hope it keeps growing colder

You think you are going to the right

But that train has left town

And all that it's taken with

Is the people you have brought down

I hope you move on

And move far away

Because I want to look back

And never think about you in the same way

Don't pretend you are so righteous

When you are just being rude

I will applaud goodness

If only you were being good

Slow

Slow down

Everything is

Spinning around

I feel like I am

On a carousel

No brakes

One speed

Fast

A million bright lights

Noises that I can't process

Everything is just moving

Faster

Faster

Fast

Who ever thought

I would be here

Going there

Or that you

And I

Would be worlds apart

Certainly not I

But if I could fly

I would flap my wings

A thousand miles away

Because the second I slow down

To a stop

That means I have dropped

Dead.

It's Been Said

It's hard to understand

Why we mourn

Why we cry

Why...

We die.

And then

I see why

I see how a lie

Can spread across cities

Fly through clouds

And somehow cloud

Judgement

And discretion

All of this

False communication

Has broken us

We have lost trust

In each other

Sister, brother

What about

Just a friend

Can't we end

This merciless talk

Can't we just

Shut our mouths

And walk

Instead of watching

As someone we should care about

Falls apart

Because of you

Who broke her heart

A simple sorry

Is a great way to start

But after that

You have an entire world

To reconcile with

Because what you said

Will keep running

Until your dead

And then it will speak

Before the throne

And it will be your words

To own

And regret,

I hope you never forget.