Upward or Inward?

Question: Why don't we recite Birchas HaChodesh on the Shabbos before Rosh Hashana? It would seem apparent that before the month that determines our entire year we would be extra vigilant in asking G-d to grant us Bracha, Parnassa...

Answer: Because the month that determines what our entire year looks like is dependent on us and what we choose to make of it. G-d simply makes it happen.

This was the gist of the Drasha my Rav gave this Shabbos and I have to say, it really resonated with me. We tend to get into this mode of putting so much of our hopes and desires into G-d's hands, like we should, but we forget that it is also dependent on ourselves what our life will look like.

G-d can deal us a difficult lot and we can be miserable, or we can think, this is a challenge, a struggle, and it will make me stronger, I just need to learn how to overcome, and overcome with happiness.

So... next week is Rosh Hashana... I am always a nervous wreck at this time. I look back at my whole year and think... Did I really accomplish anything? Am I any different? I start to mentally write down everything I did and look for that glimmer... and then I gulp and begin to sweat nervously when I think... another year is coming... another year of (what I hope will be) growth, expectations, obligations.... 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

It's maddening.

But then I realize. 

It's up to me.

I have made it this far. I can go further.

Kesiva V'Chasima Tova.

Tomorrow

Start again

Start over

Let's pretend

This is the first ever

And never

Have I

Done anything wrong

I never

Went so long

Without

Making a mistake

And if I take

One second to see

That all I can be

Is just around the sunrise

I don't need

The moans and sighs

Of desperation

And repentance

But just in case

I am hoping for acceptance

For my regrets

As I try

To go high

A level beyond

Who I have been

And if I sin

I know

Tomorrow

Will wait for me.

Truth

No surprise

What's the prize

For the time we

Haven't spoken

Unbroken

The months

Create space

Since I've seen your face

But it wasn't so long ago

So close

I wish I could have told you

The truth

It's true

I miss you.

Ships in the Night

Sailing the seas

Smooth water

And cool breeze

Navigation on track

Venturing out

No turning back

Miles of emptiness

No one here

Just me and the vastness

A star to guide

And no where to hide

That's why I

Panicked

When I saw a ship in the night

Passed me by

Its lights shining bright

Horn blaring

Why is scaring

The only way

To send a message

I get that you're the enemy

But some part of me

Doesn't really know

So show

Your true colors

Wave your flag high

And remind me

What it means to be

Ships in the night

Poison

We're pumping you with poison

I know it hurts now

But someday, somehow

You will look back

And thank us for this pain

For all that will remain

Will be the scar of where we injected

I know it's hard to imagine

When everything has been so dark

But there will soon be light

Everything will be

All right

I know you are smiling

For the audience that watches

As you take your last 

Pill of death

And the pain

Takes your breath away

But today is the last today

Today will be the last time

You see this vial

I know it is vile

But you will thank us one day

Some how

Some way

You will be ok

And all the fear

Will go away

One day soon

You will return

To the innocence you are entitled to

But for now

We must inject you

With one last drop of poison.

Close Your Eyes

And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

-Pompeii, Bastille

For those who agree with the school of thought that we have been here before, sent again to rectify a mistake from a former life, I think these words are very important. When we live our lives with our eyes open, never taking a second to close them and look inwardly, we lose sight of the bigger picture. We lose sight of who we are and who we are meant to be because we are so caught up in everything that is going on around us.

Sometimes we have to close our eyes and say, "This is what G-d intends for me. I am fulfilling G-d's will." Even challenging situations present the opportunity for incredible growth... How am I gonna be an optimist about this? How am I going to see the good when I feel like there is none?

So here I am... wondering, wishing and waiting, trying to close my eyes and envision the plan that G-d has for me when really it feels like He is just jerking me around like puppet on a string. Which I am. But every move He has conducted for me is done so with careful thought and diligence. I didn't just happen to end up here. Nothing just happens. G-d made it so. And if He did, the question is, how am I gonna be an optimist about this?

New

I just went through some of my posts from the past couple of weeks... and whoa! It seems like I have just been sitting under a rock, moaning and bawling like a baby. And that's not true. There has been one point of contention in my life that has sort of overshadowed a lot of that good that's been going on. And there has been a lot of good.

This summer, compared to others, has been filled with a lot of Simcha and Bracha. I have been having experiences that are new and exciting. I have made new friends, met new people, and seen the world with new eyes.

New.

There is a saying that there is nothing new under the sun, but the sun that shines in my life has revealed a lot of new things. Where I am now is better than where I have been. I feel challenged, but not frustrated. I am being tested, but I am not being bested. Every time I doubt my own abilities, I surprise myself by rising to the occasion and proving myself wrong.

Who I am today is not defined by who I was yesterday and it is no indication of who I will be tomorrow. I can be angry about certain situations that have been thrown against me, or I can just smile and not let them bother me. This is not to say that I am shirking my duties, but I am not being pulled down.

I have been in that place where everything bad just makes me fall in frustration. But no more.

Every morning is a new chance to be better, happier and more fulfilled, and that is where I want to be going.

So I apologize if I have been misleading you with my previous posts. I am actually very happy and very happy learning how to not let things get me down.

Switch

From a friend

To a fraud

I thought you were bringing me closer,

But you were really pulling me away from G-d

I used to look at you

With rose colored glasses

But as I look more closely

I see more clearly as time passes

You were never the good guy

You were devil on my shoulder

And this distance between us now

I hope it keeps growing colder

You think you are going to the right

But that train has left town

And all that it's taken with

Is the people you have brought down

I hope you move on

And move far away

Because I want to look back

And never think about you in the same way

Don't pretend you are so righteous

When you are just being rude

I will applaud goodness

If only you were being good

Slow

Slow down

Everything is

Spinning around

I feel like I am

On a carousel

No brakes

One speed

Fast

A million bright lights

Noises that I can't process

Everything is just moving

Faster

Faster

Fast

Who ever thought

I would be here

Going there

Or that you

And I

Would be worlds apart

Certainly not I

But if I could fly

I would flap my wings

A thousand miles away

Because the second I slow down

To a stop

That means I have dropped

Dead.

It's Been Said

It's hard to understand

Why we mourn

Why we cry

Why...

We die.

And then

I see why

I see how a lie

Can spread across cities

Fly through clouds

And somehow cloud

Judgement

And discretion

All of this

False communication

Has broken us

We have lost trust

In each other

Sister, brother

What about

Just a friend

Can't we end

This merciless talk

Can't we just

Shut our mouths

And walk

Instead of watching

As someone we should care about

Falls apart

Because of you

Who broke her heart

A simple sorry

Is a great way to start

But after that

You have an entire world

To reconcile with

Because what you said

Will keep running

Until your dead

And then it will speak

Before the throne

And it will be your words

To own

And regret,

I hope you never forget.

You, Me

(found this in my drafts...)

This is
Me
Trying to be ok with
You
A different
You
Than the
You
I once knew
It used to be that
We
Could talk
And if
I
Was lost
You would guide
Me
Back to
Me
The
Me
You
Knew
I
Could be
But when
You
Shifted
We
Drifted
And
I
Learned to see
That
I
Wasn't uplifted
By
You
Just enamored
Once
You
Moved in
All the glamour
You
Hid behind
And
Left me
Behind

The Happiest Sadness or The Saddest Happiness

We laugh

We cry

We try

Try

So hard

To remember

The good times

When the bad

Seems so strong

How long?

Why

Are you gone?

Come back

To happily ever afters

And dream come true

How can we

Live without you?

Such a short time

Such a pathetic rhyme

When I want

To write you

A song

A novel

The encyclopedia

Of everything

I adore

And more

About you

We cannot undo

What is so final and done

But

For everything under the sun

Nothing can shine as bright

As the memory you have left behind

And for all you leave us with

We will pay back in kind

We will continue to shine

Cold

Life has made you

Dark, cold and sad

I see how

You would rather stand in the rain

Than bask in the glow

Of the sun

And if only one

Could take your hand

Take you away

To somewhere safe

You would go

In a moment

A flash

But one second has passed

And you are still here

Staring at your shadow

Wondering why only darkness

Seems to follow you

When you used to be

So full of promise and hope

And now

You barely know how to cope

With the hand you have been dealt

And every feeling has been felt

You would rather feel nothing

Than the pain that consumes you

Skin

If you saw the color

Of my skin

You would grin

I am the color of

Love

Radiating laughter

And ever after

Beams from

My fingertips

I've got a better grip

On everything you let go

If only you could know

That my skin says

All the things

My words can't

I am dreaming of

My skin

Showing the world

What it means to be

The rainbow

I will show

My glow

And then you will know

The color of

My skin.

Black, White and Red

It feels like

My world has come

Unhinged

I am coming loose

Splitting seams

And flying paper reams

Cables crossing

A tangled

Mangled

Mess

Trying to understand

Why you have become

So cruel

What rule

Have I broken

When we haven't even spoken

When did I

Become so despised

I mean, honestly

We used to be friends

Or some variation

Of friendship

Until a few months ago

When you

Let go

Disappeared

I've tried not to care

But this feeling has been hanging

Dangling in the air

Above my head

Like a cloud

That won't go away

And in the past few days

Have I seen your true colors

In their shades of grey

No matter how black and white

You try to be

Being frum

Is no excuse for being rude

To me

Them

Or anyone

I will always respect

Someone who wants to grow

Don't you know

I try to do the same

We walk the same road

But maybe it's called another name

So please don't judge

Just because  I sin differently

Because honestly

We all bleed red

We'll end up dead

And I don't want our differences

To dig our graves

Brother

Brother, where are you
Dear brother, where have you gone
We used to be close
And now you are so far
I don't even know who you are
But brother I saw you
You looked happy
And that hurt
Because we used to be close
You used to know
What it meant
To be a brother to me
To talk to me
When I was in pain
But now
Like then
I remember
That most of that pain
Came from someone
Who I thought
Was my brother.

Everlasting

This is where

Lines cross

Eyes blur

Hearts race

Cannot pace

Time moves

Too fast

Flies past

Cannot grip

I slip

Forget

Regret

And try

To patch together

My own piece of forever

But then I remember

Nothing lasts

Except for

Who I choose to be today

So for that

I hope I don't fade away

But somewhere

Someone is waiting for me to say

That I'll be here to stay

I just hope that day

Comes sooner

Than it seems to be

Or else I might

Lose me

In that mad dash

Can't

Don't tell me I can't

When you haven't even given me 

A chance to try

My limit is endless

If I will it

I can reach the sky

We let the small things

Hold us back

Logistics and planning

Are just a way

To reach a goal

That maybe needs more

Than reality to fuel it.

Getting Gif-y

At the moment, I have run out of words to really describe what my life has been like lately... luckily, I have some pictures that do a pretty good job :)


These past few weeks have felt like this:

This morning felt like this:

As all my plans keep forming, falling apart and reforming:

To put it simply: 

But then I get a small reminder:

Sigh... Things are super crazy right now. I sort feel like a deflated balloon, just deplete of any energy... like a precariously standing Jenga game, about to tip and break all over the floor...
Shabbos cannot come soon enough.

Words

I wanna try something.

Write me a letter.

Write me a song.

Write me a poem.

Write me anything.

Make it real.

Make it fake. 

Tell me a joke.

Just use your words

(Preferably without profanity or vulgarity.)

Post it in the comments or send me an email: rachellidreyfuss@gmail.com

Whatever you write, I'll write a response to match.

Use your words. Use them wisely.