Chance

What's in a name

That would make us think

That would give us this day

To dance, eat and drink?

What time of celebration

Would force us to recall

When a vicious tyrant

Would rise and then fall?

Was it really all just chance

The luck of the draw

Like who gets the short one

When we pick straws?

It couldn't be the case

Because the odds were never in our favor

But a deeper look at near-destruction

And we see how we could never waver.

And what about now

When times are so precarious

Can we simply just laugh

And think it all so hilarious

It certainly isn't random

There is a divine plan, you see

And that plan guides us now

To an infinite victory.

Bonkers

I suppose I should be thrilled

Utterly overjoyed

Because this means

That I am one step closer

But I am just getting morose-r

Still trying to find

My own kind of crazy

The bonkers that's best for me

Whoever that may be

The one with muchness

Or maybe just madness

That will create blissfulness

Or even happiness

It may be a dream

But I am not sleeping

And even though I have yet to remember

From the first time

I'd happily fall down this hole again

If only to know

Where I'll end up in the end.

Take Me Away

Take me away

Take me back to the day

When it didn't matter

What I wore

Or what was the score

We were winners

And losers all the same

No one was a player

Even if it was all just a game

Somehow we didn't care

If we were here or there

Cuz anywhere

Was where we were meant to be

We could sing

We could dance

We could enchant and entrance

There were no masks

We didn't have to be asked twice

To be anything but ourselves

It was easy to roll and rumble

In dirt and glitter, we would tumble

The world was our playground

Spinning us around and around

These days, it's all lies and pretend

And I wonder

When will it all end?

Party

Invitation sealed and sent
Preparations barely made a dent
In being prepared for this
The crowd pulsates
The bodies reverberate
Free flowing alcohol
Taking its toll
On the victims it drinks under the table
Cuz none of us have ever been able
To outdrink that glass
And so we pass
Like shooting stars in the night
Without will to fight
Surrendered to the monster
Who brought us here
To be slaughtered
For the next meal
That he plans to serve
Unless one can rise
She, who defies
Can returns us to our homes
Before the clock strikes twelve
And we turn into the selves
We never wanted to be
But now we can see
Hope was never lost
No matter the cost
We have risen again
To rewrite the end
That was sealed in blood
But we broke through
We returned to you
We chose to remain true

Alternate

Sometimes I wonder if we are all strangers, inhabitants of our own realities that surround us, and occasionally interact with the islands if others.

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone.

And then I am sitting in class, and I am convinced of this. Are my questions really so off base? Do I really not make sense? Can I really not understand how people can behave the way they do? Are we complicated beings? Or just confused?

My language is the same as yours but my meaning and definitions seem to come from another planet.

The hour is late, the caffeine is great and I hear a spaceship calling my name.

Farewell.

Superbowl: Follow Up Post

After my angry rant from yesterday, my faith has been restored. Sheppin nachas at the "hometown team" for displaying an unbelievable devotion to what's TRULY important. This makes me proud to be a Jew.

http://matzav.com/baltimore-wins-900-fathers-and-sons-make-kiddush-hashem-on-superbowl-night

Superbowl

I see no reason to celebrate in the victory, or madness of the Sueprbowl. Does that make me a bad person?

Or does it mean that I realize there are more important things to celebrate than a bunch of brawny guys falling on top of each other as they try to get a dumb ball across a field?

I don't mean to be a party pooper, but honestly, why is it in any business of anyone what color I wear on game day? You are entitled to your opinions about the (idiocy of the) game, but I will not fall into the trap of considering these men idols or heroes. Let them use their strength to rebuild broken homes. Let them use their wealth for those less fortunate.

I understand the merit of an outlet to relax and wind down, but the level to which we worship these men just nauseates me.

This is my rant. You can hate it all you want (or agree) but that's what I have to say.

Out of My Mind

"I feel inner peace when I am out of my mind."

Watch me as I try
To keep in line
All the little pieces
That are starting to fall out of place.
All this order
Is out of order
My mind tries to organize
I wonder when I will realize
That chaos breeds confusion
And I am filled with this delusion
That I will be able to hold myself together
When everything explodes all over
It's like fireworks in the sky
All recorded by my mind's eye
A million snapshots
With no system
I must've missed them
As they flew by
And I waved them into the sky
I watch the show
The little images glow
Lights my brain on fire
Ignites a wire
Burning heat
Forever on repeat
Among all these lights and sounds
I have found
An inner peace.

Freak Storm

All around

Explosions sounds

Flames in the air

Smoke in the sky

And somewhere hidden

A small girl lets out a cry

No one hears

And no one cares

Til she is dragged on stage

She is left to the pointing ridicules

And the unending stares

Just a freak

On display for show

But wouldn't you know

She always tried

She never wanted to cry

She would have died

To prove that she wants to be good

To do as she should

But no one gave her a chance

They wouldn't let her dance

So now she lies

In chains she cries

Her tears turn to blood

And she watches the fire

As it consumes her cage

But even a raging inferno

Can't calm her rage

Through the heat

She breaks free

The Race

The gun goes off
The race begins
Two strides
And I am already winded
Nauseous and weak
Where are the cups of Gatorade?
I need a break
I need to sit
I am just too tired
Before I know it
Three hours have passed
And I am only three miles in
Can I simply
Start again
Back to the beginning
Amidst the chaos
Of a new day
A new journey
This time I prepared
This time I am ready
I trained
And stretched
Carbo-loaded
The whole nine yards
So I could run this race
My marathon of growth
The gun goes off
I get to start again
And this time
I'll make it to the end.

Daven for Danielle

I met Danielle this summer in camp. Despite being paralyzed on one side of her body, Danielle exuded an energy that was so vibrant and bright. She took everything in stride, was never without a smile, or without a crazy colorful wig. To say she lit up a room when she entered would not be an understatement. Daniella, even though she was suffering, was full of life.
But now Danielle is hanging on for dear life. She is currently on life support and the doctors want to take her off. The video below is the news story about her current situation.

But a life is infinite. Danielle's life is infinite. To take her off life support would be the cruelest thing, and as Orthodox Jews, this decision must be fought.
Here is a picture of Danielle in camp.

Please daven for Danielle to have a COMPLETE refua- Danielle Chaya bas Aviva

Go Away!

Trapped and cornered
No way out
Can't scream
Can't shout
If I confess
What a mess
Don't feel clean
Don't feel safe
Broken walls
Endless halls
I can't escape
I can't breathe
No words
No answers
Just questions
And confusion
What delusions
Led me here
Too near
Too close
Go away
Stay away
It's not ok
I'm not ok.
Just GO AWAY!

Trust

Trust is such
A fragile thing
Like a small
Child
It must be nurtured
And cared for
Until the moment comes
When the child becomes corrupt
Rebels
And destroys all hope.
I trusted you
I gave you my trust
I need to believe
You would hold it with care
You wouldn't dare
To abuse that privilege
Yet somehow
In a few words
In a few hours
You managed to corrupt
That trust
And like anything that's died
It has simply faded to dust.

New Year's

I was never really one for New Year's resolutions. Rosh Hashana is really the time for renewal. It works out well with a new school year and a way to clean up after a summer of freedom. By the time January 1st rolls around, I am too engrossed in my current day to day activities to really buckle down and join the "New Year's Resolution fad."
But this year was different. A few days before the ball dropped, I resolved to get in better shape. Two years ago I ran in a marathon and had spent the year training. Going to seminary and then getting into the college-mode got in the way of training for another one, so I was starting to feel gross.

1. Get in shape.

Coming back after a year of spiritual growth and highs was hard. Seminary was an incredible year of introspection and honesty for me and returning the "Shmutz LaAretz" started taking its toll. I knew I was losing myself in the daily grind of classes, homework, trying to get a job, and adjusting to "being an adult." But I didn't know how badly I was getting lost. After a DMC with someone, I realized I had to take control of my life, and make decisions and choices that would improve my circumstances and life.

2. Make choices that will improve my quality of life.

If there is one thing that I know about myself, it's that I like people. I am a very social-able,  personable, and often, overly talkative person. I can find topics of conversation for any kind of person and can adapt to different discussions, even if only a little bit. I have a great group of friends, but for the most part, either they are in Israel for a second year, too busy with their own college schedule, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, or just plain busy, and that limits my social opportunities. I felt so limited that I simply stopped trying. I didn't go out. I didn't invite people over. I was becoming lonely and upset. As an extrovert, I was simply going mad. So I made resolution number three.

3. Make a conscious effort to connect with friends (phone, text, email, in person)/hang out even if it's hard or frustrating.

I think the concept of New Year's, as secular as it is, as widely accepted day of starting over, I decided that it's a good time to reevaluate and create a new plan for a new year. Rosh Hashana is certainly the pivotal day for change, but even things in the secular world can be used to improve our physical, spiritual and emotional well-being.

So it's been a New Year for a week. So far I have kept to my resolution's pretty well and I feel better already. So, for  my readers, I wonder: Did you make a resolution? What is it? Have you stuck to it?

Happy New Year's!

Knowing

Ladder of understanding
...I climb....
I
f
  a
     l
       l
I stand
Un-tall
...   I try ....
Can I
ever
Know?

Squirm

Stop it
Not here
Not now
I should have known
From the second I saw your title
That I was doomed
To remember
To relive
And have to recall
How I cut out my heart
Splattered myself on the wall
The truth
The honest truth
The hard hitting
Heavy
Awful truth
The things I could barely admit to myself
I admitted to you
In shame
But it’s true
And now I feel
Flustered
Hot
Not
So cool
Can they tell?
Does he know?
Does it show?
I’m trying to be calm
To remain blank faced
And avoid that place
But….
The only way to escape
Is to escape
So excuse me
I need to leave.

Memory.... Hallway.

                I walk back into the building, not just passing through, or dropping by. I am here to wander the halls and go back in time. The smell of paint and glue fills my nose. It is both acrid and refreshing. It brings back memories… It reminds me of when I was a student here. I was awkward, unsure of myself. Navigating the stresses of high school wasn’t easy. I often felt alone… abandoned. In a school  like this one, where students here are simply mass produced, I got lost in the crowd. And when I was noticed, it wasn’t for my talents or skills. It was because I was a truant. A rebel. A rule-breaker. A problem.

                My mind drifts, floating through the days, weeks, months and years that I spent here. Were they happy years? Not really. There were certainly happy moments, but I will never look back and call them the “best years of my life.” When I received my diploma it took all of my self-control not to jump off the stage and race out of the building. I wanted nothing more than to rid myself of my awful uniform, teachers and memories.

                If I could do it over, I would have done it differently. I wouldn’t have let myself get taken advantage of. I wouldn’t have let myself be bullied by the administration. I would call out the teachers who shouldn’t teach. The teachers who let me stumble blindly through my education, and even more, let me grope through my spiritual lessons. Questions unanswered. Problems unsolved. So much confusion…

                Well, my time here is over. The tour is complete and I walk out the building. I am both impressed and disappointed. It is a beautiful tragedy. Within these walls, potential brims forth, but it is stifled, it is controlled… and it is destroyed. Within their parameters is the only area for growth. You play by their rules, or you don’t play at all.

(Photo by me... Trying to practice my photography skills. I am sure there is a hidden message here...)

Heroes

Raised upon platforms

Exalted in echoes

Treated like gold

And truth be told

It just shows how lacking we are

That we go so far

To treat another human

Like a hero

Did he go

To the depths of the sea

Did he find a cure

For a sickness so unnecessary?

Does he spout rainbows from his mouth

Or create magic when he speaks?

Did he shed light

In a world that was so bleak?

At the end of the day

When the sun fades away

He too will lie in bed

With a pillow under his head

He soul will be stolen

And only returned if he is found worthy

But not all are always privy.

Yet still, there are those

We treat with kid gloves

And see through rose colored glasses

But if you ask me

Those are the people

That need to be wearing the gloves

Digging in the dirt

Proving their true worth

Instead of making the rest of us

Question our own.

If only London Bridge would fall...

Don’t think I don’t notice you
It’s kind of hard not to
You’re just there
The elephant in the room
The following shadow
Spreading its misery and gloom
I find myself caught
Underneath your weight
Of which I cannot escape
Who can I blame?
To whom can I attribute this shame?
Who built this wall
Too strong to fall?
Father
Mother
Sister
Mister
No twister
Could destroy this
And it’s hard not to miss
Always there
Always everywhere.
Perhaps a fault of my own?
It is I, I should have known
Only I could have built it so tall
Too tall to ever fall
But perhaps I might have a chance
And now you ask
That I take it to task
To remove this barrier
I am no warrior
I stopped fighting
I’ve called a cease fire
I cannot go higher
I am just here
With this wall resting near
To keep my company
For that is a love
Of misery.

Getting an Edu(ma)cation

I never realized what power a person can have. How their control can literally change lives.

I was a substitute this Friday and last for preschool boys and I literally had a life changing revelation. (No singing choir though). Parents only want their child to be happy, to succeed, to be healthy and happy. And everyday they give that massive responsibility to their child's teacher to carry out. They have to believe that the teacher will mold and shape their children into that vision. It's frightening. And then, the teacher her/himself must live up to that incredibly difficult job. They have to show love and firmness, fun and strictness. They have to discipline, educate, model, perform and even teach! Being in a classroom with young kids just made me so scared for my future children. Will they learn? Will their teacher treat them like a curious child, or like a rebellious wreck? Will they fulfill their potential every day? Or fall through the cracks?

It's petrifying to think about.