Raining in Yerushalayim

It's raining in Yerushalayim
The skies have open wide
Emotions of the heaven
No longer seem to hide

When tragedy strikes
Can the world mirror our pain
As the waters of our tears
Are reflected in the rain

Is this an overt blessing
Or just a terrible curse
Is life going to get better
Or only become much worse?

It's raining in Yerushalayim
The clouds wish to console
As it revives earth and life
We can finally reflect its role

Sufferers

Cognitive Dissonance is a disease. And the world suffers from it.

 

Symptoms include:

Delusions and Hallucinations

Inconsistent behavior

Lack of gratitude

Lack of recognition

Irrational actions

Rude speech

Causing harm to others

Anxiety

Low Self Esteem

 

Treatment: Redemption

Roller Coaster of Change

The world is changing fast

Can you keep with the pace?

Are you standing firm

Or thrown all about the place?

Did you read the paper?

Did you hear the news?

Everything is changing

Whether or not we choose

For good or bad

To lose greatness and splendor

Or to hear of celebration

In a gruesome murder

A prisoner finally free

How long we waited for this day

Even at the high price

We were forced to pay

What remains

When everything changes so fast

Can the only thing that will last

Be the memories we hold dear in our past?

A roller coaster of emotion and change

No one planned this track

We keep moving forward, gaining speed

And there is no way to go back

Hold on for this ride

We are heading straight for the unknown

Remain strong and true

You'll be safe, you won't be thrown

What happens when there are no more words left to write?

Noam Esther

I went to the wall

To pray for a girl

But I was too late

She'd already left this world

 

How could it be?

How could this be the plan?

G-d, I turn to you

An answer, I demand

 

I believe completely

With full faith I trust

That we live for a time

And then return to the dust

 

But a child, so dear

How can it be her time?

She barely had a chance

To live and to shine

 

I know that prayers

Did not go unheard

But in my limited mind

This still feels absurd

 

But now that she is gone

There is only one thing left to ask for

Let her reside near you

Healed, happy and smiling forevermore

 

L'ilui nishmas Noam Esther... keep singing...

Reminds me of a song...

The sheer irony of being in Jerusalem never ceases to amuse me. People who you would never see otherwise are suddenly boarding the same bus as you, turning the same corner, or eating in the same place.

Friends... acquantices... Or someone who knows someone who is in the same place as you... Your roommate... your cousin... a friend from camp... There was a group on Facebook (Sefer HaPanim as I like to call it) called Six Degrees of Seperation... and in Jerusalem, it's less than that. In a way it's comforting... you are never alone... you know someone and as a member of Klal Yisroel, Yidden are always looking to help. And in a way, it's rather disconcerting. It means being on your best behavior cuz you never know who will see you. It means in order to be by yourself, to have a moment to think, you have to escape far away.... and within in certain time constraints, it's sort of hard.

Coming to Israel has been an adjustment on many levels... a new school... a new housing situation... a new country... and way too many opinions and expectations. What is suitable for Ben Yehuda is no wheres near appropriate for Meah Shearim... and they are only a few blocks away! It's a lot to try and understand.

I have been here for a month almost. In that time I have spent many, many shekalim, collected a nice amount of maavers (bus passes), used one cartisiya,  been to several neighborhoods in Yerushalayim (Beit Hakerem, Bayit Vegan, Har Nof, Sanhedria, Rechavia, Geula, Meah Shearim, Kiryat Belz/Sanz, Ben Yehuda, Old City, Kotel), traveled outside of Yerushalayim, and gone on the light rail more times than I can count. One month, and it feels like a lifetime.

It's Yom Kippur on Shabbos. I can't say I am ready for it. I don't even think I am fully aware of the awesomeness of the day.. yet, I am prepared to go to davening and tell HK"BH that I want to live... I want to be inscribed for life... I hope He agrees.

Gmar Chasima Tova

 

(By the way, did you guess the song?)

 

 

City Streets and Catching Up

Walk through these streets... I don't think I have ever seen a painting so colorful... heard a song so lively and loud... smelled an aroma so deep and inviting...

Ah, the streets of Yerushalayim... I am amazed, shocked and amused every time I walk the streets, get on a bus or board the now functioning Light Rail (a life saver for poor Seminary students... its currently free!)

I have spent a good part of my time here so far wandering the streets, lost in my own thoughts, admiring the different people and sites. The other day I got lost going to the Kotel (Don't laugh) and ended up between two churches in the orange glow of the street lights at night... when the church bells tolled the time, and all I could do was laugh at myself...

I have been to the Kotel in the morning, just as the day is beginning... the world feels fresh and new... and the calm at the Kotel square feels just like home. The afternoon hustle and bustle makes me edgy and the heat as the sun sets on the wall always burns... but night- now that is an experience. You can almost feel the urge and the need, the want and the desperation to be next to the wall... to simply pray and talk to G-d... or to unburden a whole day or week's worth of pain and frustration...

Every time I go out I feel myself go on high alert- who will I see? What amusing event will happen? The world seems so much smaller in Yerushalayim... it's comforting and confusing all at the same time.

Rosh Hashana was pleasent... I stayed with my cousins near Modiin. They live in a Yishuv where there is every kind of person- from shorts and tshirts to curly payos and sheitels... In a moment of bravery, I asked to have the fish eye... of course, the moment it landed on my plate in all it's jelly, gooey glory I lost my sense of adventure... At least I tried :)

I have been in Israel for almost a month and have fallen in love with life here... sure, it's not as cushy as America and I feel the strain of living as my own person, it's still incredible and I am extremely blessed to have the chance to learn here.

It's a new year... I can't wait to find out what's in store...

Wake Up!

Life is a series of beginnings and endings. The end of a pregnancy begins a new life. The end of being single begins a new marriage. The end of one grade begins another. And the reverse hold true also. Dr. Seuss wrote: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And I'd like to add: Laugh because something new is going to happen. One year's ending is a new year's beginning. And retrospectively, we try to understand, make sense of and calculate our past actions. Rosh Hashana... we focus so much on rectifying the past, cleaning our slate instead of being michadesh this new month, this new year! Instead of being filled with guilt, we should be filled with hope and promise! We have such a fabulous opportunity in our midst! Why should we wallow in our filth and mistakes of the previous year? That's foolish! Instead of crying over the friends we hurt and the teachers we mistreated, we should take that brave step and renew them... or, as Hashem does with us- Anew them. When you think about it, on Rosh Hashana Hashem isn't deciding our verdict based on our past... he just deciding based on our future! Are we worthy of being created anew...? This is what Hashem wants to know. Not if you are going to end... but if you are going to begin! Hayom Haras Olam... today is the birthday of the world... A birthday? A beginning! A celebration! And Hashem wants to invite you to this gala event! He wants to feed you delicacies and shower you with gifts! He wants you to dance! To sing! Rosh Hashana is a Yom Tov! A good day! Why do we go into these days of awe like a mourner at a levaya? This isn't your funeral! It's your party! These aren't days of mourning! They are days of MORNING! A sunrise! A new beginning! How fitting that we recite Modeh Ani each morning and Vidui during these upcoming days... The words, so closely related, are so appropriate both in their relationship and in their inherent meaning...

Rosh Hashana is less than 48 hours away. Hashem doesn't want us to wake up to recite Vidui with sorrow... but to recite Vidui with joy just as we would recite Modeh Ani each morning! Hashem isn't going to ask us, "why are you such a sinner?" He's going to ask, "Will you do everything you can this coming year to refrain from sinning? Will you do everything you can to become closer to Me this year? Will you love me this year?"

So... it's almost Rosh Hashana... Instead of feeling depressed and scared... instead of feeling black and disgusting.... instead of feeling like a loser, WAKE UP! Open your eyes! Recite Vidui like you would recite Modeh Ani! Say it with excitement, enthusiasm and JOY! THIS IS YOUR PARTY! It's the birthday of the world-- and YOU are invited to the celebration! Dance! Sing! Show Hashem that you want life! That you want to live! Celebrate your new beginning as if your life depends on it! Because my friend... it does.

 

Countdown

It's time to look back

To analyze each lack

Every mistake we tried to forget

Comes back with a fury

And burns with regret

 

Did I say that?

What did I do?

Did I make a mistake?

Was I wicked and untrue?

 

Less than a week

To introspect and understand

All the things that occurred

By my own misled hand

The choices I made

The words that won't fade

And the things I wish I could erase

 

Can it be that a whole year

Has gone by so fast?

And all of those memories of the past

Are returning and last?

Zachreinu

Remember pelase

V'Kasveinu

Inscribe me with ease

B'Sefer HaChaim

It's all I ask

 

 

Inner Fireworks

There is a lot riding on this moment. Did you know? This second has the potential for greatness... or for failure. There is so much invested into this second-- love, emotion, money, hope... So are you going to let it fall? Or are you going to utilize this moment?

Modeh Ani Lifanecha Melech Chai V'kayam She'hechazarta Bi Nishmasi... I am thankful to you Hashem for giving me my neshama back each morning, jam packed with hundreds of moments, fireworks of potential, just waiting to burst forth! And as the day goes on, they start to lose their power, they grow dim and fizzle out... and then, at night, we go to sleep, close our eyes and G-d recharges us, hoping we will awake in the morning and explode with good things from the incredible fire He has ignited within us.

It's a troubling thought... it can be the reason why we feel so motivated when we are inspired... but then fall flat when we don't act on inspiration. it's difficult to grasp and to put into reality because unless we use each moment, it dies.

This year, my year, my chance to be selfish, my year to just think about me... there is a lot of pressure riding on it. Will I waste my moments here in the holiest land, $20,000 and my own expectations? Will the hopes of my teachers, friends, family and myself die out simply beacuse I didn't stoke the fire and keep it burning strong? It's only slightly frightening...

I have been here for less than two weeks. In that time, I have been to the Kotel four times and each time I feel renewed (and drained from the buses). I have witnessed sights that have tickled my thoughts and pulled at my heart... But can each adventure and each day keep me going with enough sparks, to create fireworks within myself? To keep burning strong? Here's to finding out....

Jingle

She sits...

Worn, spotted, aged skin...

She waits... patiently... each day...

If only today... let it be today...

Layers and layers

A small way to hide...

Her shame...

But it embodies...

Her hope...

"Tzedaka removes the evil decree"

She holds out her cup

In her wrinkled hands

And jingles the few coins she already has

Waiting, waiting

"Help me..."
Just a few more... and maybe

I won't be hungry tonight...

And I?

I see her... and the others...

And all I can do...

Is try not to cry...

Building Blocks

Take a walk through this neighborhood

That barely stood a decade ago

Now it is a thriving community

And one look gives you all there is to show

 

Stone houses, built up so high

Children running, barely shy

Communal caring, unlike any other

Where one looks out for sister or brother

 

It's hard to believe

That this is mostly brand new

Built by dedicated hands

For the sake of each Jew

 

And now I come in

To see the hard work that was done

And turned this barren desert

Into a home of love and fun

 

A Yishuv, built from distinct building blocks

Constantly growing, around the clocks

Beating time that said, "No way!"

Is now a community that will not sway.

The Second Visit

How many times during my Tefilos did I close my eyes really tight, block out all the noise, place my hands in the air in front of me, and envision myself in front of the Kotel? Countless times, if I even tried keeping track. Finally, after months, and years of waiting, I made it there. I won't tell you about my first visit- the rush and chaos of trying to get over 100 girls to tear kriah, say a few words of Tefilla, and move along, all in the midst of tour groups, an army ceremony and the regular Wall visitors, all the while, I was on the phone trying to coordinate with my cousin how to get me my linen...
My second visit... that was glorious. After a rather unrestful night, me and three friends hopped into a monitto the Kotel at around 6 in the morning. We got there as the sun was coming up. The Kotel square was mostly clear and we were able to go right up next to the wall. In just a few moments, the words of Shacharis came pouring forth... I felt like there weren't enough words in Tefilla to encompass all the things I felt at that moment, all the words I wanted to say... the connection I wanted to make. I placed my hands on the smooth stones -- a shock, because I thought they would be rough... only to realize that the rain and tears must have smoothed them-- and just... breathed. I looked up towards the top of the wall. I felt so small, yet so important. After I finished Shacharis, I wasn't done. My heart was beating so fast... I just had to keep talking to Hashem. I started saying Tehillem.... After several Kapitlach, I felt mildly satiated... The desire, the burning desire to say more, to build the connection was cooled, albeit momentarily until my next visit. After years of waiting, I finally understood the connection and desire that others felt and yearned for. Women kept coming up next to me, rushed and excited, sobbing. They would kiss the stones, let their tears fall, say a few words of Tefilla and hurry off... They are so safe in their connection that a few moments is all they need...
Being here less than two weeks, my mind has been spinning with images and words. The stories and lives that walk the streets... it makes me feel even smaller.... But if feeling small means living in this gorgeous land, it's worth it.

Welcome Home

After taking a blogging break, I am back and Baruch Hashem, posting from Israel! I hope to use these posts to bring some insights and my own perspectives on living in the Holy Land.

 

As always, questions and comments can be sent to rachellidreyfuss@gmail.com. I will be posting as often as I can, but won't be able to check comments so frequently. If there is a pressing matter, please email me. Additionally, if you have any requests/tefilos that you would like said on your behalf at the Kotel, please email me, as I go at least once a week, sometimes more.

 

Regards from Israel,

 

RD

Tears of Laughter

I hold back tears
As exposed fears
Become dreams and wishes
Hopes and prayers
Sent up in flight
Soaring through uninhibited souls
Like free fireflies in the night...

Forgetting about the chemo
The hair loss
The surgeries and permanent scars
There is a way to overcome
Every challenge you face
You will succeed and stand...

"What's your syndrome called?"
However you spell it
They all stand for strength
And fearless determination
Something to laugh about
And fight
Power and courage
You hold it all

Laughter and smiles
Shining through the clouds
And rainier days
Breaking through the pain
And troubling haze
There is a light

I keep holding back tears
I've learned to laugh in the face
Of illness and sadness
Because that which may bring you down
Is that which can help you
To stand tall
Build towers
And break down walls

Waiting

It's coming...
It's almost here...
You've been waiting...
Patiently,
So patient,
You have been...
Even though...
You don't know...
When it's coming...
Just keep...
Waiting...
And it will be...
So glorious...
So incredible..
It's almost here...
Whatever you've been waiting for...

Sing

Fragility
An inevitability
The uncertainty
In life
Flashing before our eyes
Still, do we realize
The preciousness of a moment
The value of a second
The incredible weigh
Of each minute we are given?

Watching illness...
Sickness... Death...
I can only hope to
Grab onto another moment of life
A smile, a laugh, a song...
Pain is real...
So is happiness.

I don't understand why
A little boy had to die
His soul was severed
And to the heavens he will fly.

I don't understand why
A whole nation has to cry
Over the loss of a child,
Who was at the height of life.

I don't understand why G-d
You let a man commit murder
And how all of our pain
Went one step further.

I don't understand
Cuz if I did, I'd be G-d
And then I'd have to remain
And not be able to explain
To a people why
A child was maimed.

I don't understand
And I'm glad that I can't
Cuz being G-d
Is a weight I cannot carry.

I cannot fathom how a thing like this could happen. How one Yid could murder another so brutally... how a child could be killed so young... how a people must yet again suffer a terrible blow...
Hashem... this is Your plan, and that is the only thing I can accept... Why you let him be killed... I don't know...
Leiby, your beautiful neshama should have an aliyah and your murder should be avenged...


RIGHT NOW: 11:00am Conference call at with Dr. Norman Blumenthal: How to speak to children to help them process tragedy. PLEASE MUTE YOUR PHONE. (209) 647-1600 access code: 236682

Once

I once believed
And was rudely deceived.

I once had hope
Now I can barely cope.

I once knew
Until I lost you.

I held onto a dream
That split at its seams.

I once thought I knew it all
And now I get to watch it all fall.

Staying Awake

I'll sleep when I die
I'm not ready to say goodbye
Let the moon accompany me
And the stars sit by my side
My eyes are staying open wide
I want to see the world
Experience each moment in time
To take all the seconds
And make each one mine.

Words fly off the page
With wisdom for the age
I want to soak in each word
Let my voice be heard
Singing songs of strength and power
Until my final hour
And only until that time comes
Will I admit I'm done
And so
I'll sleep when I die
Because I'm not ready to say goodbye.