Spidey Signs

You showed me a sign today. Some kind of gentle way of telling me you are okay... you forgive me? You love me. A little spidey cookie. An icon that will forever be tied up in my memories of you. You were a hero; the real kind. You spun webs of love and I was totally caught in them. You wrapped me tight. I was enamored... kind of mesmerized by you. I always wanted to know what you were thinking... what was it like in your world, trapped in a body you had no control over, simply watching others... did you realize what an impact you had, simply by lying in your hospital bed? I don't think I fully realized myself until you were gone... I know you are in a better place. But thank for sending me a reassuring sign. Love you.

I Miss You

It's three AM. I feel like I haven't slept in days. I ache missing you. I went to your Shiva today and your abscence was so loud... A silence that was so loud I could hear your abscence above the noise of people talking. You weren't clucking for attention. The ever present sound of kids shows wasn't heard. Your machines are off. You don't need them anymore where you are. I had to adjust my mind to understand that you are not here. You aren't in your room. The hospital. You aren't in this world. And I miss you so much. No more ruffling your crazy Harry Potter-like hair. No more painting your toes Spider-Man colors. No more tongue wars or sneaky smiles. I always thought we would have another visit. I was planning for them. I had activities ready. When the SW asked if everyone for closure, I had to fight back years and bite my tongue. I have not had closure. Even at your funeral.... I cannot process that my little man, my feisty boy is now in a box... Buried. I try to console myself that you are no longer in pain. You are dancing in heaven, wearing crazy costumes and singing with a full voice. But G-d, I miss you. Death is not for the one dying. It is for everyone who is left behind to wade through the days following your paasing, trying to make sense of a short life that was cut short and pain filled. You are free from these questions and confusion. You lived days, weeks, montbs, even years beyond what anyone expected of you. We knew this day was coming. And it doesn't lessen the blow of your loss. Whatever words of comfort people try to share, nothing can take away this ache I, we, feel at your abscence. But it isn't like you didn't show up for class. It isn't like we misplaced you and now you are missing... You are gone. Just gone. But how can it be? You were the strongest soul I knew. You endured so much. I keep trying to find peace in knowing you aren't hurting but selfishly, I want one more day. I was going to visit the day you passed away. I was too late. And for now, I don't think I will get over that. I should have been there. My boy... My handsome little man. I miss you. What's going to be of this world without you in it? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

My hero

When I first met you,

You couldn't walk

But I soon learned

That you could fly

There were hard fought battles

To breathe, to smile;

There were tears and triumphs

There was you, a superhero

You have always had powers

Some we knew

And some we never understood

But now, I know what is true

There are those who enter this world

With a mission we cannot understand

Even more so, we question such a life

But you, you lived

I can't imagine this world without you in it

You were steady, you persevered

But now, you are dancing in a party in the sky

And I sit here missing you

After years of pain and decline

I can find peace knowing you are no longer hurting

But I will think of you always

And miss you forever.

Take me Home

I ache for you

My heart shudders with desire

To be home

To walk the stone streets

To breathe the holy air

I want to lay eyes upon

The faces that color the streets

Of the past, present and future

I want to return to the city
Where my heart felt alive

My spirit danced

My soul was on fire

There was something in the sky

In the dirt

Between the walls

I was free

I want to feel free

I want to feel limitless

I want to be home

Where my heart is

Shavuos Musings

If I am a Sefer Torah

This life is the mountain

If I am to be received

I must be readied

If I must climb a mountain

The journey should be decorated and beautiful

If there is a storm of lightning and thunder

I must be prepared to dance in the rain

If I am more precious than any imagined treasure

I must take great care to protect myself

If I am kept safe in the holy of holies

I must be as pure as gold and just as bright

If I am a Sefer Torah

G-d is waiting to give my testament to the world

Dreams

Sometimes I am scared to wake up. Sometimes my dreams feel so real, so much better than my reality. In my sleep, I feel happy and safe. I know it isn't real. I know it's just that- a dream. But aren't dreams something hold on to? To believe in? Or are those only aspirations that we create and not the products of the unconscious mind...

Is it so bad to feel so happy in those dreams? Sometimes I just want to stay asleep so I can be in that happy place.

What is the purpose of a dream? Is it a foreteller of what's to come? Is it a tease of what we want the most? Does it have some deeper, abstract meaning? 

I just want that feeling during the day. To feel safe. To feel loved. To feel adored. Why is that so hard?

I tried to find that in someone who wasn't right for me. I projected everything I wanted to feel but ultimately felt nothing. I couldn't create feelings that wouldn't come. I couldn't pretend. 

But in my dreams, it's just want I want. It's what I dream for when I am awake. I don't know how to make it happen. I am asleep and unconscious but that is when I feel most alive.

Little Light

Let's look up and wonder

Marvel in the darkness

Caught in a storm of lightning bug thunder

Grab some jars

We're off to chase our dreams

But instead we found these flickering stars

Hold onto them tight

They are trying to hide their light

And make us feel blind in the night

Caught one, maybe two

But the journey wasn't about filling up bottles

It was about being here with you

Heart

What is this

Lumpy red.... thing...

In my hand...

It beats

It bleeds

It is dripping

On the floor

(I just cleaned there)

What a mess

I confess

I don't understand the function

Of this thumping.... thing.

There are trails leading in

And out

But what is more

It is crying

Laughing

Loving

Lying

It is

A disaster of a thing

But what is worse

Than the mess it's making

Is the pathetic fact

That I am a slave

To its rhythm 

Its endless 

Unending

Thump...

Thump...

Thunk...

Two Faced

We work together.

It would never work.

I feel too strongly.

I feel everything.

He is so intuitive. 

Why does isn't he in tune to how he makes me feel?

Everyone says it's a good idea. 

Does he think so too? Will he ever?

I am his right hand woman. 

Will he ever take my left hand?

He calls me Friday. 

I wish he would call me everyday.

I get angry that he doesn't get it. 

I would do anything for him.

It's like a rollercoaster. 

He makes me feel the ups and the highs.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

I have been holding on for too long.

There are two sides to every story.

And he will never know mine.

Love Sick

נפשי חולת אהבתך
I want to be
Love sick for you
To be apart
An ache in my heart
To be together
Pure bliss
Whatever
To feel giddy
Childlike
Take me to the playground
Push me on the swings
Let's slide together
Hand in hand
Sit
Side by side
You see me
All of me
Flaws
Faults
Passion
Perfection
I want to be
Madly
Hopelessly
In love with you
So please
Love me too

Fallen

So now I fly.

Til Death Do Us Part

They got it wrong
It's not about death do us part
It's about living life
To the fullest and with heart
In the little moments
In waking up together
Sharing every day
And going to sleep
In the most blissful way
Forget about dramatics
And romantics
They blind and break
It's about how you make
Me feel every day
Without grand gestures
Or fanfare
It's just knowing you care
And how I can show you the same
So maybe I am not swept in a flutter
Or flying in the clouds
But there is something here

Dying Stars

"You can be dead inside and still shine, don't believe me? Just ask the stars." (VaZaki Nada)

Keep it together

Don't fall apart

Stay shine

Glow brighter

Don't let anyone know
You are dying inside

That they have taken everything

And left you empty

Wishing to be filled

Wishing to be full

All these lights

Mean nothing

If the darkness grows 

All consuming

Thick

Black

Darkness

But you have to smile

You have to push forward

Until

At the end of the battle

You find

You lost the war

It Comes to This

It comes to this

Time to say

No more

I won't be 

Yours.

You have had me

At the push of a button

But I have had enough

Of being that girl

The one you call

Who always says yes

I can do

Better.

Better than you

Better than being used

So take your girl friday

And find another.

We and I are not an Island

We hear the news

See a tweet

Read a post

Watch a video

Hearts

Breaking

Slowly

But why

He is

A thousand miles away

We never met

We never spoke

Before today

I never knew his name

Yet

Geographical distance

Emotional separation

Never divides

A national connection

A communal responsibility

For him

For his family

His school

His community

So

We are all hurting

My little island

Has become

A state

A country

A world

We are all connected

We have built bridges to one another

We have found a way

To find each other

We

And I

Are not an island

We

Are

Never

Alone.

My Judaism

My Judaism wants to be bright and beautiful; something filled with light and laughter

(My Judaism is tested too often that I feel dark and grey; I have little energy to keep trying)

My Judaism loves to hear the sound of a child singing Anim Zemiros, of little voices saying Shema with eyes covered; of clear and strong children chanting Torah after Rebbe.

(My Judaism has to believe that there are sick children for a reason, a reason too great and terrible for me to understand. My Judaism strives to find meaning in illness and light in dark places. But still, I struggle to understand why families move into the hospital, why poison is pumped like candy, but tastes like death and still, children die.)

My Judaism knows my prince is out there and that G-d will not let me be single forever.

(My Judaism doesn't get how the system we have marries people off when it feels so flawed and broke, but I continue to play into its trite demands.)

My Judaism believes in the power of unity, wishes to find connection where the chain is broken, and hopes to repair the cracks so many fall though.

(My Judaism knows we will all be together one day, happy, healthy and whole)

My Judiasm: Sarah Tuttle Singer

I have been following Sarah's writings for a little while. She is feisty, and fierce. She speaks openly about her opinions, thoughts.... this one spoke to me. I don't neccessarily agree with everything she writes, but her raw honesty is so refreshing in a world where we taboo so much.

My Judaism is a wild dance, red wine on my lips, Uncle Robert on guitar, and AuntCaren on tambourine. My Judaism is my father bellowing the wrong words in Hebrew because he chose our tribe when my mom chose him, and he's still learning, and he will never give up.

(My Judaism is not afraid of failing, because I know I'll get it right some day. )

My Judaism chose not to be a mother at 19, to ask for help where she knew she would find it: And my Judaism is the rabbi who looked into my frightened eyes and said "anything you need."

(My Judaism accepts the past, makes peace with it, and moves ahead.)

My Judaism held my mother in her arms when she took her last breath, in the very bed where she nursed me when I was a baby. My Judaism screamed FUCK CANCER at the top of my lungs, then smashed a mirror, and tore her shirt.

(My Judaism will not say "blessed is the true judge," because cancer is bullshit, and my mom should still be alive. )

My Judaism is latkes and presents and spinning the dreidel, and being tucked safely into bed at night with the doll my parents got me for Hanukkah. My Judaism is guiding my daughter's hand when she lights the candles on Shabbat, it's pouring grape juice in a glass of my son so he can lead kiddush. It's sprinkling salt on challah, and breaking it for the three of us. My Judaism is imagining what's next, and how to make the world a better place.

(My Judaism is, and was, and will be. )

And for now, today, I'll drink more wine, and celebrate this sweet new week.

Alternate Options

He says he is done. No more. He won't do it. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And that's what he thinks is happening here. He is young. He is frustrated. He is trying to make sense of heart ache. His heart has been broken too many times. He has been tortured. Abused. This system chewed him up and spit him out. He is different. Looks different. Believes different. Dresses different. And because of that, now he wants to marry different. Different religion. This one just isn't working for him anymore.
And what can I say.

What can I do?

I am just as burnt out. I am just as angry and frustrated. My heart has been broken too many times to count (if you have been here long enough, you have read about it.)

So how can I tell him, that despite all the heartbreak, the hour-long dates ending in disappointment, the countless resumes that are just so wrong, there is still hope. I still believe. I believe that G-d will not let me remain single forever. Just long enough.

Can I tell him that the waiting sucks but it will be worthwhile? Can I tell him that if he marries someone who is not like him, at the fundamentals of his existence, that THAT will break my heart even more?

What can I tell him?

This Sinking Ship

Save us please

From this sinking ship

It has been raining for days

The earth has been soaked

Drenched

Flooded

The rivers

Have overflowed

There is a rising tide

And no where to hide

The world has wiped us away

And all that remains

Is this ship

Held up only by our faith

Which is being shaken

Hard

There are enemies

So cruel

So evil

Pure

Evil

And they are trying to tear us apart

Shoot holes in our hull

Bring us under the surface

Drown us

They have drowned us

In our tears

In our blood

They won't cease

Until we cease to exist

But You promised

40 days, 40 nights

And the flood would end

But can we last that long?

Give us a sign

Give us something to hold onto

Something to believe in

We believe

That there will be peace

That the world will return
To order and truth

You showed us your promise

Now end the waves of terror

End the floods of incitement and force

Return us to a world

Where your might is the only thing we fear

And Your power

Takes our breath away

A world

Where tears do not soak the earth

Rather they are only shed for happiness

It's Only Tuesday?

This has been the kind of week that makes you want to crawl under the covers, hit the rewind, restart, do-over, undo and escape button all at once.

Too much sad news. So many people getting hurt. So much heartache.

I couldn't sleep Motzei Shabbos. She was in my dreams. She was posing for pictures... if only I could have captured them. Her tznius, her beautiful face... what a special neshama. If only there was more I did or said.

And then the kind of news that makes you shudder and squirm. A classmate and a questionable substance. What was so bad that she thought drugs were the answer? Did she have no one to turn to?

And then... a kid...  I was supposed to meet her. People got busy. And now she is dead.

And to think, almost a year ago, G-d decided this would happen. In a sense, they were dead before they died because it would happen whether they tried to prevent or not, whether they made a different choice or not...

This world. This life. This crazy existences.

Makes you think twice, think long and hard about what you will say to G-d next week. What you will ask of Him.