Heart

What is this

Lumpy red.... thing...

In my hand...

It beats

It bleeds

It is dripping

On the floor

(I just cleaned there)

What a mess

I confess

I don't understand the function

Of this thumping.... thing.

There are trails leading in

And out

But what is more

It is crying

Laughing

Loving

Lying

It is

A disaster of a thing

But what is worse

Than the mess it's making

Is the pathetic fact

That I am a slave

To its rhythm 

Its endless 

Unending

Thump...

Thump...

Thunk...

Two Faced

We work together.

It would never work.

I feel too strongly.

I feel everything.

He is so intuitive. 

Why does isn't he in tune to how he makes me feel?

Everyone says it's a good idea. 

Does he think so too? Will he ever?

I am his right hand woman. 

Will he ever take my left hand?

He calls me Friday. 

I wish he would call me everyday.

I get angry that he doesn't get it. 

I would do anything for him.

It's like a rollercoaster. 

He makes me feel the ups and the highs.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. 

I have been holding on for too long.

There are two sides to every story.

And he will never know mine.

Love Sick

נפשי חולת אהבתך
I want to be
Love sick for you
To be apart
An ache in my heart
To be together
Pure bliss
Whatever
To feel giddy
Childlike
Take me to the playground
Push me on the swings
Let's slide together
Hand in hand
Sit
Side by side
You see me
All of me
Flaws
Faults
Passion
Perfection
I want to be
Madly
Hopelessly
In love with you
So please
Love me too

Fallen

So now I fly.

Til Death Do Us Part

They got it wrong
It's not about death do us part
It's about living life
To the fullest and with heart
In the little moments
In waking up together
Sharing every day
And going to sleep
In the most blissful way
Forget about dramatics
And romantics
They blind and break
It's about how you make
Me feel every day
Without grand gestures
Or fanfare
It's just knowing you care
And how I can show you the same
So maybe I am not swept in a flutter
Or flying in the clouds
But there is something here

Dying Stars

"You can be dead inside and still shine, don't believe me? Just ask the stars." (VaZaki Nada)

Keep it together

Don't fall apart

Stay shine

Glow brighter

Don't let anyone know
You are dying inside

That they have taken everything

And left you empty

Wishing to be filled

Wishing to be full

All these lights

Mean nothing

If the darkness grows 

All consuming

Thick

Black

Darkness

But you have to smile

You have to push forward

Until

At the end of the battle

You find

You lost the war

It Comes to This

It comes to this

Time to say

No more

I won't be 

Yours.

You have had me

At the push of a button

But I have had enough

Of being that girl

The one you call

Who always says yes

I can do

Better.

Better than you

Better than being used

So take your girl friday

And find another.

We and I are not an Island

We hear the news

See a tweet

Read a post

Watch a video

Hearts

Breaking

Slowly

But why

He is

A thousand miles away

We never met

We never spoke

Before today

I never knew his name

Yet

Geographical distance

Emotional separation

Never divides

A national connection

A communal responsibility

For him

For his family

His school

His community

So

We are all hurting

My little island

Has become

A state

A country

A world

We are all connected

We have built bridges to one another

We have found a way

To find each other

We

And I

Are not an island

We

Are

Never

Alone.

My Judaism

My Judaism wants to be bright and beautiful; something filled with light and laughter

(My Judaism is tested too often that I feel dark and grey; I have little energy to keep trying)

My Judaism loves to hear the sound of a child singing Anim Zemiros, of little voices saying Shema with eyes covered; of clear and strong children chanting Torah after Rebbe.

(My Judaism has to believe that there are sick children for a reason, a reason too great and terrible for me to understand. My Judaism strives to find meaning in illness and light in dark places. But still, I struggle to understand why families move into the hospital, why poison is pumped like candy, but tastes like death and still, children die.)

My Judaism knows my prince is out there and that G-d will not let me be single forever.

(My Judaism doesn't get how the system we have marries people off when it feels so flawed and broke, but I continue to play into its trite demands.)

My Judaism believes in the power of unity, wishes to find connection where the chain is broken, and hopes to repair the cracks so many fall though.

(My Judaism knows we will all be together one day, happy, healthy and whole)

My Judiasm: Sarah Tuttle Singer

I have been following Sarah's writings for a little while. She is feisty, and fierce. She speaks openly about her opinions, thoughts.... this one spoke to me. I don't neccessarily agree with everything she writes, but her raw honesty is so refreshing in a world where we taboo so much.

My Judaism is a wild dance, red wine on my lips, Uncle Robert on guitar, and AuntCaren on tambourine. My Judaism is my father bellowing the wrong words in Hebrew because he chose our tribe when my mom chose him, and he's still learning, and he will never give up.

(My Judaism is not afraid of failing, because I know I'll get it right some day. )

My Judaism chose not to be a mother at 19, to ask for help where she knew she would find it: And my Judaism is the rabbi who looked into my frightened eyes and said "anything you need."

(My Judaism accepts the past, makes peace with it, and moves ahead.)

My Judaism held my mother in her arms when she took her last breath, in the very bed where she nursed me when I was a baby. My Judaism screamed FUCK CANCER at the top of my lungs, then smashed a mirror, and tore her shirt.

(My Judaism will not say "blessed is the true judge," because cancer is bullshit, and my mom should still be alive. )

My Judaism is latkes and presents and spinning the dreidel, and being tucked safely into bed at night with the doll my parents got me for Hanukkah. My Judaism is guiding my daughter's hand when she lights the candles on Shabbat, it's pouring grape juice in a glass of my son so he can lead kiddush. It's sprinkling salt on challah, and breaking it for the three of us. My Judaism is imagining what's next, and how to make the world a better place.

(My Judaism is, and was, and will be. )

And for now, today, I'll drink more wine, and celebrate this sweet new week.

Alternate Options

He says he is done. No more. He won't do it. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And that's what he thinks is happening here. He is young. He is frustrated. He is trying to make sense of heart ache. His heart has been broken too many times. He has been tortured. Abused. This system chewed him up and spit him out. He is different. Looks different. Believes different. Dresses different. And because of that, now he wants to marry different. Different religion. This one just isn't working for him anymore.
And what can I say.

What can I do?

I am just as burnt out. I am just as angry and frustrated. My heart has been broken too many times to count (if you have been here long enough, you have read about it.)

So how can I tell him, that despite all the heartbreak, the hour-long dates ending in disappointment, the countless resumes that are just so wrong, there is still hope. I still believe. I believe that G-d will not let me remain single forever. Just long enough.

Can I tell him that the waiting sucks but it will be worthwhile? Can I tell him that if he marries someone who is not like him, at the fundamentals of his existence, that THAT will break my heart even more?

What can I tell him?

This Sinking Ship

Save us please

From this sinking ship

It has been raining for days

The earth has been soaked

Drenched

Flooded

The rivers

Have overflowed

There is a rising tide

And no where to hide

The world has wiped us away

And all that remains

Is this ship

Held up only by our faith

Which is being shaken

Hard

There are enemies

So cruel

So evil

Pure

Evil

And they are trying to tear us apart

Shoot holes in our hull

Bring us under the surface

Drown us

They have drowned us

In our tears

In our blood

They won't cease

Until we cease to exist

But You promised

40 days, 40 nights

And the flood would end

But can we last that long?

Give us a sign

Give us something to hold onto

Something to believe in

We believe

That there will be peace

That the world will return
To order and truth

You showed us your promise

Now end the waves of terror

End the floods of incitement and force

Return us to a world

Where your might is the only thing we fear

And Your power

Takes our breath away

A world

Where tears do not soak the earth

Rather they are only shed for happiness

It's Only Tuesday?

This has been the kind of week that makes you want to crawl under the covers, hit the rewind, restart, do-over, undo and escape button all at once.

Too much sad news. So many people getting hurt. So much heartache.

I couldn't sleep Motzei Shabbos. She was in my dreams. She was posing for pictures... if only I could have captured them. Her tznius, her beautiful face... what a special neshama. If only there was more I did or said.

And then the kind of news that makes you shudder and squirm. A classmate and a questionable substance. What was so bad that she thought drugs were the answer? Did she have no one to turn to?

And then... a kid...  I was supposed to meet her. People got busy. And now she is dead.

And to think, almost a year ago, G-d decided this would happen. In a sense, they were dead before they died because it would happen whether they tried to prevent or not, whether they made a different choice or not...

This world. This life. This crazy existences.

Makes you think twice, think long and hard about what you will say to G-d next week. What you will ask of Him.

Summer Heat

I lost my way this summer

I thought I had a plan

It was all mapped out

The way things went about

Like a train wreck

Fueled by rocket fuel

Lit on fire by a volcano

Crashed into by a plane

It was pretty ugly

Pretty awful

It felt like

Every wall was moving in

Every window shut tight

Doors locked

Lights off

Air

Sucked

Out

It was pretty awful

And when I felt like I couldn't breathe

When the room was spinning

And I was sliding into despair

I woke up today

And things

Aren't quite as bad as they were then

The summer

Is just a memory

And tomorrow

Is a mystery

That I am excited to uncover

So...

It was pretty awful

But it wasn't the end

It isn't over

I am not finished

So

Nice try haters

You can try to tie me down

But I'll get out

Get around

Make some noise

Make a sound

And break through my own silence

I keep writing these words hoping one day I'll find the right ones to either bring you back or set me free

...
@Leo_Words

I have been trying to write
To find some way
To express
My anger
Anxiety
Apathy
Ache
Ache
I ache
Trying to write
Something
Some word
To capture
A spectrum of emotions
So wild
And wicked
So instead
I will bottle them up
Shake them
Til they burst
And maybe the words I need
Wi come forth.

Go back

If i could go back

And fix the mistakes I made

the words i said

i never

meant to hurt you

i wanted to be amazing

i wanted to create art

and design

i didn't give you a chance to 

learn the ropes

and develop the feel

instead

i went in for the kill

and now

im at a loss for words

have nothing 

left to say

because no words

no nothing

can fix this

please

i am sorry

forgive me

for

being a psycho

there are no excuses

but it is a nightmare in my head

i wish i had woken up sooner

Journeys (From the Archives)

There are questions

And answers

My view of the skyline

Shows how we have triumphed

And my view from the sky

Shows our scars

The streets tangle into memories

That transverse time

And remind me

Of why the pain felt so good

And the joy felt so strong

It was a searing reminder

Of why life is so wonderful

Even when things go so wrong

The journey led me to strangers

Who eventually became family

When there was no one else

There was always you

And so when I draw my map

All roads will lead me home

Even if I miss the turn

I'll know that my compass points you

And will return me to where I left

And where I have dreamed of coming back to

Nachamu

The conflict of this poem is that I cannot find any peace or comfort in writing it. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. For the first time, I think I will publish an incomplete piece. And find comfort in my own short-comings.
For once.

Nachamu

From where

Will comfort come from

When all of our comforts

Have betrayed us

Batteries dead

Clothing torn

Food spoiled

Jobs lost

Hearts broken

Love lost

Lives take

Can we be comforted

When we feel so uncomfortable

My skin is wrong

I was born in the wrong body

My flesh is a prison

My mind, a locked door

Some imbalance holds they key

But somehow

Somehow

You will comfort me

The world

Has gone a little mad

Stabbings in the street

Distorted perception of love

But somehow

We shall be comforted

All the pain

That

Take Me

Take me

Take all of me

You can have my heart

You can have my soul

Take my sorrow, take my pain

Take my yesterdays and tomorrow

I am a vessel, cracked and chipped

For without being broken

Where would the light shine through

Darkness exists

Simply to be illuminated

So illuminate me

So that I may be a light for others

Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean, Mean What You Feel

It's kind of frightening

To be so honest

To say the rawest of truths

No matter how cruel

Would you rather I sugar coat

And live obliviously

I want to feel like

In every painful moment

So that every moment of joy

Is that much stronger

More to savor

More to enjoy

I didn't expect to feel relieved

But I felt angry

That you had such power over me

To make me feel so inferior

But now

I am superior
And although what we had is lost

And it came at a heavy cost

No longer will I live in a lie

Or cry

Over a boy

Who couldn't bother to say goodbye.