Make this hurt
Go away
This ache inside
Consumes me
Exhume me
Of this pain
This heart drowns me
But if I could
I would swim to the depths
Just for you
To admit
How you really feel
But until them
Its like ripping open wounds
That never got to heal
I think I enjoy the pain
Because it means you are still apart
Of this broken life
This bleeding heart
Has pulled me under the tide
And beneath these waves
I hide
In choking gasps
I wish you to be my air

Looking Towards the New Year

It is always disheartening to come down from the high of Yom Kippur. This year, perhaps more than others, felt more meaningful... I no longer felt as anxious about not eating, or as jittery about the time passing faster. It was just a blissful day of talking to G-d, knowing He was listening to me, and acknowledging my deep desire to be better. Sometimes we apologize to someone and as the words, "I'm sorry," come off our lips we can see they have tuned us out. They have been hurt too deeply to even consider be consoled by two such silly words... I'm sorry...

But G-d? He is different... He waits, and waits, and waits so patiently for us to give an inkling of an apology and then he pushes the door open all the way. He invites us in with a hug, and a kiss. G-d isn't blinded by His emotions. He is overcome with love for us and cannot hold back how happy He is that we have acknowledged our shortcomings but want to better.

Pretty amazing...

On another note, my method of making it through Yom Kippur without agonizing over my lack of coffee or the bagels that awaited me was this...

We don't eat in order to become holy spiritual  beings... we are already holy spiritual beings and therefore do not need to eat.

A Gut Gebentched Yuhr. May we all have a year of goodness, life, laughter, love and success.

Panic

The culmination of a year of success and failures, trials and triumph and happiness and sadness is finally upon us. I tend to wake up the mornings of Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur with this lump in my throat and a paralyzing grasp squeezing my heart.

This is it.

This is the end.

Everything I tried to achieve this year, every test I passed or fail is going to be scrutinized and judged.

Now, I am very aware of my shortcomings. I know that I made mistakes this year. A LOT of them. I made bad choices, bad friends and royally messed up in many ways.

But, at the same time, I am not so humble that I cannot acknowledge the areas in which I succeed. The mentors I became close with, the inspiration I gleaned from the most mundane, and all of my personal achievements and successes. I can visualize my scale in the sky as every action, word and deed line up to be sorted onto the side of good and onto the side of bad. 

"Next up, that time that Rachelli took her 'little sister' to the doctor when her parents had a busy schedule.... and its good!"

Phew. At least I know I have a few things in my favor.

"And now we have that night that Rachelli hung out with a less than savory crowd... That doesn't look too great..."

Luckily, I think I redeemed myself by leaving before things got too messy.

But there it will be, the positives and negatives and everything in between. I imagine Hashem looking over my profile trying to determine if I am worthy of another year of precious life. But thankfully, He also looks at where I am now. Now. Now. In the present. In the moment. Past and future notwithstanding, I am judged for the very instant where I commit myself to making better choices, doing my good, collecting more inspiration and coming closer to G-d. And that's what I want. That's what I have always wanted.

Life is funny in that we know what is the right choice, the right way, the right everything... but we get lost, misguided, confused and forget where we need to be going. 

I saw a quote that about sums this up.... How can the destination be so clear yet we're all so uncertain where we're headed?

We know where we need to be going, but the way to get there is messy, confusing, glorious, joyful, sad, difficult, painful, troubling, beautiful, inspiring and everything else that comes along with this journey we call life.

בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך בה מוליכין אותו
The way in which I want my life to go, that is the direction I will follow.

Tonight at 6:27 pm, and for the 25 hours following, I will state my mission statement for the year to come. I choose a life of meaning, of happiness, of inspiration and purpose. I choose a life worth living, a life I can be proud of and a life that Hashem can be proud of.

Gmar Tov. May we all be inscribed for a year of life, happiness and closeness with the Ribono Shalom. May all of our prayers for ourselves and for Klal Yisroel be answered L'Tova. May this be the year we experience the coming of Moshiach and the final Geula.

Repentence

It's been this way for a while now

Trying to make sense of the madness within

While pretending all is ok

If you saw me this way

Would I look like a storm

Or a rippling lake

It's incredible how strong I can be

When all I want to do is break

I have fought with my demons

And battle them still

In the attack at dawn

I can overcome with my will

But when those enemies of night

Come storming at my door

My strength and faith

Is wasted and poor

There is a certain security

In fighting when there is no chance of success

Because the odds are against me

I can revel in this mess

I'll clean it when the sun rises

There are so many surprises

When I have lost all hope

I believe in second chances

I believe I can try again

Because as the sun sets for the end

It is rising where the world bends.

Five Years

I was looking through my old posts... and then I looked at my first post. I wrote it for Yom Kippur five years ago. I missed my five year anniversary (English date) by two days, but since I wrote that post for Yom Kippur, I think it was before the Hebrew date.

Five years.

I don't think there has been much in my life that I have stuck to doing so consistently. There were definitely breaks during my blogging... a couple days here.... a few weeks of writer's block... months of needing to find a new outlet... but I have always come back here. I suppose I have found that writing here is cathartic... a place for me to express things that would be otherwise socially unacceptable... a soapbox for my opinions and ideals... a safe place for when I want to hide from the world...

I don't know how many people read this.... or if anyone reads this at all.. (ok, I know there are a few.... thank you for sticking by me) but I am so grateful for having this blog, this identity, that allows me to express parts of my soul that I would otherwise keep locked up tight.

So if you have been with me since the beginning, thank you. If you only showed up recently, I hope I didn't scare you too much. If you showed up now, welcome to my little corner of madness... Have some tea and stay a while.

Happy Five Years to me!

Of IVs and Analogies

I am scared that one day I will wake up, unsure of how I got to where I am, no memory of how I lost consciousness and uncertain of what happened during my slumber. I am afraid that my life will end with me just rambling nonsensically of things less lofty than my soul's mission in this world. I worry that while I sleep, in transition to the world to come, I will be unaware of the purgatory I will endure, the cleansing that hopefully might possibly perhaps bring me to a renewed light and energy in the presence of G-d.

I am scared that I will have no memory of my life. Or perhaps, even worse, the only memory I will have will be all my shortcomings, failures, misguided attempts at fulfillment and betrayal of G-d.

If I died tomorrow, could I stand before G-d, proud of my life? Would I stand by my choices, for good or for bad, and they were intended for the service of G-d? Could I defend my actions and explain that I only wanted to come closer to my dear Father?

I worry about the unknown, the blackness and abyss of when G-d puts me to sleep and I rise to His throne and stand for judgement. Will the scale weigh in my favor? Will all of my well meaning intentions be recognized as positive deeds used to bring His glory to the world? To bring me closer to Him? To be the best person I could possibly be?

I am afraid that where I stand now, I would certainly be unable to remain standing. I would fall from the sheer weight of my faults and flaws, and crumble before the Holy One Blessed Be He, because who am I to even attempt to speak in His presence when I have failed Him so terribly?

And then I realize... that while they may have put me under, a medically induced sleep, and I have no recollection of when I went to sleep or how I woke up in another place, I AM awake. I still have time. The shofar may be sounding and selichos may be recited but I have been given another morning, another waking to attempt to rectify the past, to prepare myself for a more beautiful and fulfilling day. A day that G-d will look at me and be proud and say, "You can have one more day. One more day, one more day, a million one more day to make Me proud, to bring My Name and Glory into the world, and for that, you can have one more day."

Wanderlust

Give me words
Wishes
Wonderments
I have wanderlust
To get back to you
6000 miles
Might as well be to the moon
And back
For how far away we are
Cars can't cross oceans
And planes can't keep pace with my beating heart
As I beat with love for you
No expression
Of song
No imagery captured
Could hold as tight
To my need for you
I dream
I pray
I hope
To return home
When the wars have ended
When the hate has been erased
We will rebuild the broken walls
Lay foundations for a stronger future
And be everything we were meant to be

Musings at 8 am

I wake up in darkness

Though I'm sure my eyes are open

There is fear of this oblivion

But my belief still keeps me hoping

This night can't last forever

The sun still has to rise

I wait in darkness

For the light to reach my eyes

There are those who tell me it's hopeless

And I should just give up

But even when I feel that way

I still have hope even when I'm stuck

As the clock turns its numbers

I see a glimpse of light

There is a glimmer of comfort

That I'll make it through the night

When I feel like nothing will change

And things will be this way forever

I know this moon will wane

And I will face this stormy weather

Red Alert

It took me almost a month and a half to do it. Yea, I had downloaded the app. I set it to regions that I felt connected to. But... I turned off the notification sound. How could I possibly go about my day with that siren wailing from my phone? How could I get any work done with that incessant sound going off? But then again... how could I not?

I changed the settings to notify me of all rocket alerts in all regions of my beloved Eretz Yisroel. I turned on the notification sound. I have my phone next to me all day. And now... I know what my beloved Eretz Yisroel is enduring.

My heart pounds. My head spins. How can anyone think? How can anyone breathe? How can I live comfortably in my four walls when my brothers and sisters are being bombarded and praying their four walls aren't hit? 

I sit down for breakfast.... RED ALERT.

I daven... RED ALERT.

I start doing some work in front of my computer... RED ALERT.

I go to the bathroom... RED ALERT.

As I type this post, the Red Alert has gone off at least ten times in regions across the country. My Twitter alerts are an additional reminder that this is real. This isn't some virtual reality where the Red Alert only exists in my phone and people aren't running for their lives. This is life. This is the only reality Eretz Yisroel knows right now. 

6,000 miles away, there isn't much I can do. I can donate to the IDF... I can retweet and show my support. I can daven. I can daven. Hashem... I'm davening...

And as I daven... a Red Alert goes off...

Five... four... three... two... one...

Questions

Can you answer me this

The war

And the relentless hate

The pointless destruction

And senseless loss of life

What is its purpose

Its worth

What lesson

Are we meant to be learning

What question

Should we be answering

Or better yet

What question

Should we be asking

My brothers at war

My sisters in tears

My mother

Lost in her pain

And my father

Unable to end this war

If this is the battle

We are meant to fought

Than better equip us

With a heart of steel

And a mind of knives

For our heart of flesh

Has failed us

And we allow the enemy to flee

We allow the world

To tell us how to be

But all we need

Is to be the people

You know we can be

So as a humble sheep

Among the savage wolves

I strive to live

According to your will

Within the world

You placed me in,

Open Door Policy... Just Please Wipe Your Feet

My doors are wide open

The windows have been unlocked

Come in, stay a while

Have a drink

Or two

I remember you

When you first came around

Hard hitting and hurtful

But now I invite you in again

For a game of chess

Don't mind the mess

I had some visitors the other day

I forgot to put their stuff away

Welcome in

We can hug

Or kiss

Or sit in silence

I am fine with the quiet

Or if you prefer

Let's converse

Discuss

Share what's on your mind

You already know what's on mine

The confusion

And wanderlust

Of where I am
And where I want to be

But here and now

You are sitting beside me

And I think

If I try

I can be ok with that

With just sitting

And looking you in the face

To understand

Your place

In this mixed up head of mine

This state of mind

In this house of glass

That everyone sees inside of

But I just want to see

Inside of me.

Light

I am waking up in darkness

Trying to make sense of chaos

I am writing words

Saying things

I forgot

How to think

To use my head

Making choices

Is a tipping scale

And I've chosen darkness

If I recall the light

I remember

All the happiness I felt

The joy

And bliss

And light

What brilliant

Radiant light

I can remember

I can relive

I can recall

I can

Live,

Breathing Kedusha

I have breathed in Kedusha. I have inhaled the otherworldly air of the Shechina, where the mundane is fleeting and reality is from a higher realm.

I have felt what it's like to look, Panim El Panim, in the face of G-d.

When G-d created us B'Tzelem Elokim, He created human beings with a piece of G-d within them... we posses a piece of G-dliness, so pure and so holy that nothing else can compare... Nishmas Elokim. But, as humans are known to do, we have distorted that purity and sullied it with our own goals and motivations. But G-d created individuals who are free from this plight. Individuals who perhaps do not possess every mental capacity to be in control of their actions, but who possess a soul that is so clean and innocent. 

I cannot full describe what it means to spend seven weeks in  "Heaven on Earth". Coming down from such a high is so achingly painful, my heart is still recovering. When Neshamos connect so deeply and so honestly, anything less than that is difficult to accept. 

Answers

Sometimes we get answers
To the questions
We were too scared to ask
Life altering conflicts
Are solved with a simple solution
That while is so painlessly presented
Is more painful
Than if we had risked asking

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Sacrifice

They gave blood
Bodies
Bruises
We have been banned
Barred
We struck deals
And lost lives
So why shouldn't I
Make a sacrifice
For the greater good
For the tikkun of this broken world
So here is my heart
I am trying to break the stone
So you can have my flesh
The part of me
That desperately needs G-d in her life
Bit by bit
I will chisel at the rock on my soul
So the dirt will be cleared
And give way for You to complete me

Light Words

Words like light
Visual manifestations
Of what is held my heart
My lips cannot formulate
The thoughts I think
They remain dormant
Until in darkness
They are revealed
Like fireflies
Fleeting past the delighted hands
Of the proud ones
Who hold back tears
Together we sing
The wheels go round
And you have finally
Made a sound
We rejoice at your whispers
Because we hear your heart

Revenge

Take me

Take my wounded

My shattered bones

And broken spirits

Collect my spilled blood

And fallen tears

Remember me

When night falls

And the rest of the world sleeps

But I lay awake

Awaiting a gunshot

Or siren

Because only you

Are by my side

As the rest of the world

Vilifies me

And turns us into the enemy

But it is the enemy

Who has called for war

And I only seek to protect

And perhaps

Slightly

Seek to avenge

Because when someone hurts my brothers

I cannot remain silent

Their blood calls for battle

And I hear the call.

War

Before you start a war, you better know what you're fighting for.

The Next Day

By now my Facebook feed has been flooded with links and posts about the tragic murders of Eyal, Gilad and Naftali. Everyone has an opinion, a point to make, a finger to wave and comment to make. People have expressed anger, grief, sadness, disbelief, shock and most of all, pain. We are clearly a nation struggling to make sense of a senseless act. The way the world views the Jewish people is clearly a twisted view of how people, human beings, should be treated. We are pushed aside, neglected, scorned, vilified... we are a thorn in the side of the world. Tolerated, yes... but accepted? Never. No matter how much we try to fit in, blend in, be a part of the world at large, we will always be the outsiders. And that is the way it should be. Being the "Am Segula" means that we live on a higher realm of existence. It means that when someone tries to tear us down, we become stronger for it. One post I saw that struck me was one that went like this... "if they were murdered soon after being kidnapped, why did we have to go through 18 days of wondering and wishing for their return? Because if it had been an open-shut case of 'boys kidnapped, boys murdered, boys found' then we would not have taken action on our own to beseech the heavens for their return. For 18 days we prayed, took upon kabalos, kept shabbos, lit candles, and all other manners of trying to better ourselves, to show G-d how much we want our brothers back. We needed these 18 days to make a change."

Nothing could have heal the pain we feel for this horrific lost. I can't give a reason or explanation. I can't forgive the animals who did this. I can't calm this storm inside that makes me just want to rip them to pieces. But bloodshed isn't the answer.

Prayer is.