If My Heart...

If my heart were a field

It would be filled with holes

Exploded mines

And trenches dug

For safety

For prayer

For no one can enter this war zone

Without whispering to G-d

For some measure of protection....

If my heart were a field

It would be a testimony

To the distance I have traveled

To the travels that have worn me thin

To those I met along the way

Who had no qualms

About digging a hole of their own

To relax in

While I wonder

Who is gonna clean up this mess

If my heart were a field

I would surround it

In barbed wire

And electric fences

Because I am sick and tired

Of having to mend this field

Soaked with blood

Sowed with tears

Waiting for the harvest

So that I can reap from the destruction.

The Challenge of Emuna

I.

You sent me

Into the cold

The heat

The elements

Of wind

Rain and storm

To sit in peace

And solitude

In happiness

And peace

With the knowledge

That you will shelter me

And keep me safe

From harm

I am your faithful servant

Your beloved child

I trust in your choices

Your decisions

And I will rejoice

In that acceptance.

II.

How could you

Take away

My safety

And security

How can you

Expect me

To feel safe

When the roof above my head

Is about to blow away

And the walls around me

Are waving in the slightest breeze

How could my father

Remove me from my home

Take away my comfort

And yet

You want me to trust

To believe

To rejoice?

This tragic hut

Will float away

In my tears of abandonment

Because you left me alone

III.

I don't understand

Why you threw me into the cold

Took away the one I loved

Removed my one source of joy

I feel challenged in my belief

And question the decisions you have made for me

I try

With pathetic attempts

To make sense of the senseless

To rearrange the pieces of my heart

And rewire the dysfunction of my brain

To find a place in my soul

Where you belong

And can help me on my journey

To happiness

This is the first of my journey

I have two more attempts

On my feeble feet

To come closer

And with each step

I hope to reach full acceptance

Of every challenge

With happiness and love.

Disappointment

Pile on the disappointment

Sprinkle it with pain

Mix in some misery

And add a dash of depression

Stir it up nice

Add some sadness spice

A recipe for

Heartache

Heart break

I never

Though

I could feel this way.

Make this hurt
Go away
This ache inside
Consumes me
Exhume me
Of this pain
This heart drowns me
But if I could
I would swim to the depths
Just for you
To admit
How you really feel
But until them
Its like ripping open wounds
That never got to heal
I think I enjoy the pain
Because it means you are still apart
Of this broken life
This bleeding heart
Has pulled me under the tide
And beneath these waves
I hide
In choking gasps
I wish you to be my air

Looking Towards the New Year

It is always disheartening to come down from the high of Yom Kippur. This year, perhaps more than others, felt more meaningful... I no longer felt as anxious about not eating, or as jittery about the time passing faster. It was just a blissful day of talking to G-d, knowing He was listening to me, and acknowledging my deep desire to be better. Sometimes we apologize to someone and as the words, "I'm sorry," come off our lips we can see they have tuned us out. They have been hurt too deeply to even consider be consoled by two such silly words... I'm sorry...

But G-d? He is different... He waits, and waits, and waits so patiently for us to give an inkling of an apology and then he pushes the door open all the way. He invites us in with a hug, and a kiss. G-d isn't blinded by His emotions. He is overcome with love for us and cannot hold back how happy He is that we have acknowledged our shortcomings but want to better.

Pretty amazing...

On another note, my method of making it through Yom Kippur without agonizing over my lack of coffee or the bagels that awaited me was this...

We don't eat in order to become holy spiritual  beings... we are already holy spiritual beings and therefore do not need to eat.

A Gut Gebentched Yuhr. May we all have a year of goodness, life, laughter, love and success.

Panic

The culmination of a year of success and failures, trials and triumph and happiness and sadness is finally upon us. I tend to wake up the mornings of Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur with this lump in my throat and a paralyzing grasp squeezing my heart.

This is it.

This is the end.

Everything I tried to achieve this year, every test I passed or fail is going to be scrutinized and judged.

Now, I am very aware of my shortcomings. I know that I made mistakes this year. A LOT of them. I made bad choices, bad friends and royally messed up in many ways.

But, at the same time, I am not so humble that I cannot acknowledge the areas in which I succeed. The mentors I became close with, the inspiration I gleaned from the most mundane, and all of my personal achievements and successes. I can visualize my scale in the sky as every action, word and deed line up to be sorted onto the side of good and onto the side of bad. 

"Next up, that time that Rachelli took her 'little sister' to the doctor when her parents had a busy schedule.... and its good!"

Phew. At least I know I have a few things in my favor.

"And now we have that night that Rachelli hung out with a less than savory crowd... That doesn't look too great..."

Luckily, I think I redeemed myself by leaving before things got too messy.

But there it will be, the positives and negatives and everything in between. I imagine Hashem looking over my profile trying to determine if I am worthy of another year of precious life. But thankfully, He also looks at where I am now. Now. Now. In the present. In the moment. Past and future notwithstanding, I am judged for the very instant where I commit myself to making better choices, doing my good, collecting more inspiration and coming closer to G-d. And that's what I want. That's what I have always wanted.

Life is funny in that we know what is the right choice, the right way, the right everything... but we get lost, misguided, confused and forget where we need to be going. 

I saw a quote that about sums this up.... How can the destination be so clear yet we're all so uncertain where we're headed?

We know where we need to be going, but the way to get there is messy, confusing, glorious, joyful, sad, difficult, painful, troubling, beautiful, inspiring and everything else that comes along with this journey we call life.

בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך בה מוליכין אותו
The way in which I want my life to go, that is the direction I will follow.

Tonight at 6:27 pm, and for the 25 hours following, I will state my mission statement for the year to come. I choose a life of meaning, of happiness, of inspiration and purpose. I choose a life worth living, a life I can be proud of and a life that Hashem can be proud of.

Gmar Tov. May we all be inscribed for a year of life, happiness and closeness with the Ribono Shalom. May all of our prayers for ourselves and for Klal Yisroel be answered L'Tova. May this be the year we experience the coming of Moshiach and the final Geula.

Repentence

It's been this way for a while now

Trying to make sense of the madness within

While pretending all is ok

If you saw me this way

Would I look like a storm

Or a rippling lake

It's incredible how strong I can be

When all I want to do is break

I have fought with my demons

And battle them still

In the attack at dawn

I can overcome with my will

But when those enemies of night

Come storming at my door

My strength and faith

Is wasted and poor

There is a certain security

In fighting when there is no chance of success

Because the odds are against me

I can revel in this mess

I'll clean it when the sun rises

There are so many surprises

When I have lost all hope

I believe in second chances

I believe I can try again

Because as the sun sets for the end

It is rising where the world bends.