Out of My Mind

"I feel inner peace when I am out of my mind."

Watch me as I try
To keep in line
All the little pieces
That are starting to fall out of place.
All this order
Is out of order
My mind tries to organize
I wonder when I will realize
That chaos breeds confusion
And I am filled with this delusion
That I will be able to hold myself together
When everything explodes all over
It's like fireworks in the sky
All recorded by my mind's eye
A million snapshots
With no system
I must've missed them
As they flew by
And I waved them into the sky
I watch the show
The little images glow
Lights my brain on fire
Ignites a wire
Burning heat
Forever on repeat
Among all these lights and sounds
I have found
An inner peace.

Freak Storm

All around

Explosions sounds

Flames in the air

Smoke in the sky

And somewhere hidden

A small girl lets out a cry

No one hears

And no one cares

Til she is dragged on stage

She is left to the pointing ridicules

And the unending stares

Just a freak

On display for show

But wouldn't you know

She always tried

She never wanted to cry

She would have died

To prove that she wants to be good

To do as she should

But no one gave her a chance

They wouldn't let her dance

So now she lies

In chains she cries

Her tears turn to blood

And she watches the fire

As it consumes her cage

But even a raging inferno

Can't calm her rage

Through the heat

She breaks free

The Race

The gun goes off
The race begins
Two strides
And I am already winded
Nauseous and weak
Where are the cups of Gatorade?
I need a break
I need to sit
I am just too tired
Before I know it
Three hours have passed
And I am only three miles in
Can I simply
Start again
Back to the beginning
Amidst the chaos
Of a new day
A new journey
This time I prepared
This time I am ready
I trained
And stretched
Carbo-loaded
The whole nine yards
So I could run this race
My marathon of growth
The gun goes off
I get to start again
And this time
I'll make it to the end.

Daven for Danielle

I met Danielle this summer in camp. Despite being paralyzed on one side of her body, Danielle exuded an energy that was so vibrant and bright. She took everything in stride, was never without a smile, or without a crazy colorful wig. To say she lit up a room when she entered would not be an understatement. Daniella, even though she was suffering, was full of life.
But now Danielle is hanging on for dear life. She is currently on life support and the doctors want to take her off. The video below is the news story about her current situation.

But a life is infinite. Danielle's life is infinite. To take her off life support would be the cruelest thing, and as Orthodox Jews, this decision must be fought.
Here is a picture of Danielle in camp.

Please daven for Danielle to have a COMPLETE refua- Danielle Chaya bas Aviva

Go Away!

Trapped and cornered
No way out
Can't scream
Can't shout
If I confess
What a mess
Don't feel clean
Don't feel safe
Broken walls
Endless halls
I can't escape
I can't breathe
No words
No answers
Just questions
And confusion
What delusions
Led me here
Too near
Too close
Go away
Stay away
It's not ok
I'm not ok.
Just GO AWAY!

Trust

Trust is such
A fragile thing
Like a small
Child
It must be nurtured
And cared for
Until the moment comes
When the child becomes corrupt
Rebels
And destroys all hope.
I trusted you
I gave you my trust
I need to believe
You would hold it with care
You wouldn't dare
To abuse that privilege
Yet somehow
In a few words
In a few hours
You managed to corrupt
That trust
And like anything that's died
It has simply faded to dust.

New Year's

I was never really one for New Year's resolutions. Rosh Hashana is really the time for renewal. It works out well with a new school year and a way to clean up after a summer of freedom. By the time January 1st rolls around, I am too engrossed in my current day to day activities to really buckle down and join the "New Year's Resolution fad."
But this year was different. A few days before the ball dropped, I resolved to get in better shape. Two years ago I ran in a marathon and had spent the year training. Going to seminary and then getting into the college-mode got in the way of training for another one, so I was starting to feel gross.

1. Get in shape.

Coming back after a year of spiritual growth and highs was hard. Seminary was an incredible year of introspection and honesty for me and returning the "Shmutz LaAretz" started taking its toll. I knew I was losing myself in the daily grind of classes, homework, trying to get a job, and adjusting to "being an adult." But I didn't know how badly I was getting lost. After a DMC with someone, I realized I had to take control of my life, and make decisions and choices that would improve my circumstances and life.

2. Make choices that will improve my quality of life.

If there is one thing that I know about myself, it's that I like people. I am a very social-able,  personable, and often, overly talkative person. I can find topics of conversation for any kind of person and can adapt to different discussions, even if only a little bit. I have a great group of friends, but for the most part, either they are in Israel for a second year, too busy with their own college schedule, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, or just plain busy, and that limits my social opportunities. I felt so limited that I simply stopped trying. I didn't go out. I didn't invite people over. I was becoming lonely and upset. As an extrovert, I was simply going mad. So I made resolution number three.

3. Make a conscious effort to connect with friends (phone, text, email, in person)/hang out even if it's hard or frustrating.

I think the concept of New Year's, as secular as it is, as widely accepted day of starting over, I decided that it's a good time to reevaluate and create a new plan for a new year. Rosh Hashana is certainly the pivotal day for change, but even things in the secular world can be used to improve our physical, spiritual and emotional well-being.

So it's been a New Year for a week. So far I have kept to my resolution's pretty well and I feel better already. So, for  my readers, I wonder: Did you make a resolution? What is it? Have you stuck to it?

Happy New Year's!

Knowing

Ladder of understanding
...I climb....
I
f
  a
     l
       l
I stand
Un-tall
...   I try ....
Can I
ever
Know?

Squirm

Stop it
Not here
Not now
I should have known
From the second I saw your title
That I was doomed
To remember
To relive
And have to recall
How I cut out my heart
Splattered myself on the wall
The truth
The honest truth
The hard hitting
Heavy
Awful truth
The things I could barely admit to myself
I admitted to you
In shame
But it’s true
And now I feel
Flustered
Hot
Not
So cool
Can they tell?
Does he know?
Does it show?
I’m trying to be calm
To remain blank faced
And avoid that place
But….
The only way to escape
Is to escape
So excuse me
I need to leave.

Memory.... Hallway.

                I walk back into the building, not just passing through, or dropping by. I am here to wander the halls and go back in time. The smell of paint and glue fills my nose. It is both acrid and refreshing. It brings back memories… It reminds me of when I was a student here. I was awkward, unsure of myself. Navigating the stresses of high school wasn’t easy. I often felt alone… abandoned. In a school  like this one, where students here are simply mass produced, I got lost in the crowd. And when I was noticed, it wasn’t for my talents or skills. It was because I was a truant. A rebel. A rule-breaker. A problem.

                My mind drifts, floating through the days, weeks, months and years that I spent here. Were they happy years? Not really. There were certainly happy moments, but I will never look back and call them the “best years of my life.” When I received my diploma it took all of my self-control not to jump off the stage and race out of the building. I wanted nothing more than to rid myself of my awful uniform, teachers and memories.

                If I could do it over, I would have done it differently. I wouldn’t have let myself get taken advantage of. I wouldn’t have let myself be bullied by the administration. I would call out the teachers who shouldn’t teach. The teachers who let me stumble blindly through my education, and even more, let me grope through my spiritual lessons. Questions unanswered. Problems unsolved. So much confusion…

                Well, my time here is over. The tour is complete and I walk out the building. I am both impressed and disappointed. It is a beautiful tragedy. Within these walls, potential brims forth, but it is stifled, it is controlled… and it is destroyed. Within their parameters is the only area for growth. You play by their rules, or you don’t play at all.

(Photo by me... Trying to practice my photography skills. I am sure there is a hidden message here...)