Guilty

We are all guilty.

Who can claim innocence

From the crimes we've committed?

Yet no one has admitted

To one word that's been said

Yet we are all responsible

For the people who are killed and dead.

Your friend?

Your family?

A neighbor or peer?

At the end of the day

Whether it's foggy or clear

Our hearts will contain

Every trace, every stain

Of every act

That we are unable to retract.

It's as if we tied the noose

Knotted tight so it could not come loose

As we vilified and ridiculed again and again

Like it wouldn't matter in the end

Despite the swinging body in the air

That we watched as it hung up there

And even then we could not hold back

Pointed fingers stretched out to show

That we were so smart

Yet how little we all really know.

For every victim we sent to the gallows

There should be a thousand criminals

Who shamefully rose

But no one will ever oppose

Any word they said

And no matter at all

The victim is already dead.

It happened once

It could happen again

And for all those who were killed

What will be of their end

We stomped them without shame

As we threw around their name

And danced on their grave

From the burial we gave.

None of us are innocent

We will all be held to trial

But until that day

We'll carry on for a while.

And what's even more ironic is who the criminals are...

Heartbreak

What's the reason for this heartbreak

This heart ache

The seeds barely had a chance

To latch their roots in the ground

They were blown away...

What cruel winds

Would do such a thing

To something so small

That only sought to grow...

This rose never grew its petals

It sat shriveled in thorns

Broken and torn

Just the sad remains

And bloodstains

Of a broken heart.

Memories

I keep trying to catch this memory

To hold it in my hand

Yet, it keeps flying away

Like wisps of smoke

As faint

And as choking...

 

Because the sound of your name

Hurts to hear

And I am reminded of the day

The moment

The second

When I found out the news

 

It feels like I have been running

And can't catch my breath

Gasping

Rasping

Yet, unable

To be still my racing heart

 

I keep trying to gain closure

But it's not just another chapter

What is this life without you?

What is this world void of you?

What is my life missing you?

 

I miss you...

 

Every single one of you...

Party

The little boy sat at the window, holding his chin in his hands. He stared out the window of his home, filled with excitement and anticipation. His friend, his role model, said he would be coming soon and that the little boy should wait for him to come because when he arrived they would have a party together. So the little boy sat and waited... and waited... He watched cars past by... and people walking their dogs... Soon, he got bored...

I am getting sort of tired of waiting and watching, he thought to himself, I'm sure my friend won't mind if I do something in the meantime while I wait. So the little boy turned on some music... he read some books... watched a few shows... colored... and as the time went by, he forgot that his friend was coming.

He occupied his time otherwise, not remembering his friend was soon to come. Then the phone rang... he picked it up... "ARE YOU WAITING??? I WILL BE THERE SOON!!!!!!" And the line went dead. The little boy was shaken up. He ran back to the window and planted himself, waiting attentively for his friend to come. He counted the seconds until... he lost track and became bored and distracted. He left the window to get something to eat... and then he decided he wanted to bake, and began baking cookies and cakes... and again he forgot his friend was coming... The phone rang again... but the voice wasn't as loud, "Don't forget... I'll be there soon!" The little boy sauntered back to the window... He wasn't nearly as excited for his friend to come... He forgot about the party his friend was planning... a huge festive meal, the most incredibly music... performances beyond anything he had ever seen... so he walked away again...

And that time, as he was busy with books and music and food, there was a knock at the door... but the little boy didn't hear it. He was too busy with his own amusements.

His friend stood in the cold... waiting... Then he looked through the front window where he expected to hear his little friend waiting... but he wasn't there... He could hear music in the distance... The little boy forgot about him.

The friend sighed deeply... he so badly wanted to celebrate but the little boy stopped waiting for him.

With a tear, he began to walk away... He waited so long to celebrate with the little boy... he decided he would come back when the little boy was ready... 

Upstairs, the little boy was singing along to his CD, totally oblivious to his friend downstairs... forgetting about the party... and his friend... He fell asleep, only to wake up in the dead of night, sweating profusely and shaking heavily... I forgot he was coming... I can't believe I forgot... He turned over, crying, shedding heavy tears...

Waiting at the end of the little boy's block was his friend. He could hear the little boy crying, and a tear of joy sprung to his eyes, and a small smile formed on his lips... He didn't forget me! I'll come to take him soon... He should not have to wait any longer... and neither should I.

Still Learning

I am still learning...

My flight to Israel was my first up-close and personal introduction to Israeli Charedi life... I was sitting in an aisle seat next to a rather large man (he had an interesting name, but I can't remember it now...) Anyhow, as we were all settling in for the flight, a Chassidish looking man came over to me quietly and asked to switch seats with me. His seat was next to a frum lady in one of the two-seater parts of the plane. I am an instinctually polite person so I quickly switched seats.

And that's sort of the theme of my life here... quickly shifting on the sidewalk, paying super close attention to how I am behaving... and acting... and dressing. This may spark some argument, especially given the recent state of the country over the Beit Shemesh controversy, and while I don't condone spitting on a eight-year-old, there is an sense of respect that must be given. Now, I am not the political type... at least, I try not to be. I've read and heard a lot about what's been going on there, I have an up-close look at life in Yerushalayim (Meah Shearim) and everything that goes on, and though I may not lean towards one side or the other, I hear both sides.

While it isn't ok to spit on people, berate them loudly on the street, call names or throw things, as the saying goes "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." For secularists in Israel, this somehow doesn't seem to apply... But if you are entering an area, the least you can do is respect their community. What do you gain by causing controversy?

I read an article in the Jerusalem Post about two girls who came dressed immodestly on to a bus hoping to stir some arguement. Much to their shock, they were spoken to politely, which furthered their fury in an attempt to make the headlines... Is it really so hard to put on a skirt? To cover up? And for the other side, not everyone can or will comply... can't you just close your eyes or look the other way? I read a recent article from another blog that added some new perspective to this, which I may post later... but for now... shouldn't our goal be about love and acceptance? Instead of hatred and rejection? Don't we all long to see the day when we are all dressed and behaving according to the will of Hashem, with Moshiach as our leader? We can't get there if we continue the way we are..

We can't go on like this...

And despite it all, I am still learning.

(Disclaimer: I do not claim to be knowledgable in any area of what has been going on, nor with the different perspectives of society... this post is simply my reflection on the matter.)

Tin Man

Leaky and creaky
Rusty on all sides

Like a tin man

Who needs a cleaning of hides

Soiled and sullen

He's rather lost his shine

Yet this tin man

Is all mine

 

Once he glowed

Luster and radiance

Burst from his skin

Like the brightness of the sun

Now he simply

Resembles the color of mud

Dirty and decaying

His appearance is dismaying

His heart is missing

He threw it away

He didn't think he would ever

Need it for another day

Yet, something happened

What it was, I do not know

But after this journey we took

His true colors are starting to show

 

Breathless

What captivates

And sedates

Just takes my breath away

My heart

Like a drum

The steady beat

What can compete

With how I feel

For you?

I wish for what

Seems so far away

Like a dream in the dead of night

Running through the streets

Of sleep

With the end

So far in sight...

What is more real?

Or more enchanting

Then a task that seems so daunting

To overcome

As time drags on

And beat the ticking hand...

In this race

There is no pace

And I am not prepared

I remain

Breathless, ashamed

In the gaze of your eyes

For I realize

How far I have to go.

Waiting

These are some of the strangest builders I have ever seen. Some of them come dressed as they should, with all the appopriate attire and gear and some of them come dressed for a totally different job. I sent them a memo... I told them how they should look... It's for their own good, after all. I don't want to see them get hurt.

It doesn't even look like they read through the job description. We are trying to build something... yet here they are with their sledgehammers and drills destroying the structure!

Ah, but look... there are a few good workers over there... diligently building... They are so devoted to their job and to their craft... they are even working overtime! They make me so proud... 

But what am I supposed to do about those ones... the ones that aren't doing their job right... At this rate, my building will take forever to be finished! Don't they know I am waiting? I just want to come home... I don't want to have to wait any longer! I even told them what will happen for them when the building is finished... they will join me in a lavish celebration! Their will be food and drink unlike anything they have ever tasted! They will hear music that defies the normal concept of composition and expression... 

Why aren't they doing their work properly?

Perhaps I should send start a flood.. to shake them up... to wake them up!

No... they are ignoring it...

What if I lit something on fire? Surely they will notice that!

They don't even feel the heat! The pain! They are so entrenched in their own business!

What if I took away things from them? Things they love dearly... What if I took away their siblings... and sent them somewhere else... or their parents... or even the unspeakable... their children?

Does nothing help these people??? They don't even notice all these messages I have been posting around the work site... It's as if the yellow paper and bold black lettering is just decorations to them!

But still... I love them dearly... I want to see them work hard... to devote their hearts to something... And even though now... they just aren't getting it right... I'll wait... I'll wait in this unfinished room, watching... Watching the good ones as they put up the walls, and install the lighting fixtures... Watching as the bad ones throw stones and mess up the paint job...

I don't know how much longer I'll have to remain here as the wind blows through the cracks... but until the day when my home is finished... I'll wait.

Credit

My mother called me the other night... and usually if nothing is going on, I go into guilt mode.

"I didn't do it!" I cried when I answered the phone, rehashing my day,  making sure I didn't do anything wrong. (Usually when I call it goes like this. My mother: "What did you do?" "How much will it cost me?" Or me "I didn't do it!" "I am so sorry!" Like the time I called about my 300 dollar phone bill... yea... anyhow...)

"Oh, but you will!" my mother replied. I was confounded.

Huh?

My mother proceeded to tell me that because of her fortitude and the like, she was able to help me get credits for my year in Israel through a program, which I previously was not a part of. Her timing was also impeccable: for the next two weeks, I will be taking midterms... And before, I was going to do my best but not make myself crazy because I wouldn't be receiving credits, but now, it's worth a lot more. I wasn't too upset- I have been spending a lot of time studying, if only to fulfill the nachas factor. But now, it counts. My grades could make or break how much time I spend in college, and even though I was all prepared for a four year Undergrad program, I am kind of excited that I may be able to finish earlier.

But then, it struck me as ironic... These classes always counted. Maybe not for college credit, but for my own knowledge and gain, for my parents to be proud, and for other various reasons (you can fill in the blank). Yet, now... it'll only really became apparent.

And sometimes, (wait for it...) we go through life... we have our tests... we may or may not pass... but do we really think about the credit we are going to gain? Midterms in the physical world, are like nisyonos in the spiritual world. There is studying, preparation, effort and time involved... and then the moment of truth- did I pass or not? Did I get the points or the credits I need?

Will I be able to come to college with a paper saying I earned X amount of credits? Or Y which is less?

Will I be able to come to G-d after 120 years saying I earned this and this place in Shamayim... or even more frightening, in Gehinnom? (Because we all go there at some point... It's not a bad thing! It's cleansing we all need- not punishment!) Will I be able to say, "Hey G-d, I worked hard, and I passed this test you gave me... now it's time for me to get the reward for it." Or worse... "I failed."

So... in the physical world, things are starting to matter... My grades can make or break my future plans... but in the spiritual world, they always mattered... how long does it take a person to figure it out? And when they do, will their efforts matter or will it be too late?

Think about it...

Late

Being in Sem, I have limited internet access... Thankfully, I can still look at Reader (That's how I still keep up with all my blogs... but lack of images and videos is kin of annoying)

Anyhow, I was scrolling through my old blog posts... and realized... I missed my own anniversary. 

I have happily, and somehow suprisingly, been at the ol' blogging business for two years and almost four months...

Happy late anniversary to me...

Now what?

Crazy

They were right

The rumors are true

People

Go

Crazy

Here.

 

They can't handle

They can't be in control

They simply

Go

Crazy.

 

But to remain sane

Is the name of the game

And trying to do so

They

Go

Crazy

 

Because if something is overheard

Or written down

It could tip the scales

And derail...

So they try

Not to

Go

Crazy

 

But these straightjackets

Don't quite look the norm

And the buckles don't shut so tight

But still

They

Go

Crazy

 

The cure

Is also the curse

If you simply don't know

What you are treating...

A bout of insanity...

Reality...

Spiritualty.

 

Happy New Year

Hello New Year

Whether you are mine

Or not

I welcome you

Because every ending

Is a chance to start again

To make a plan
To get it right...

Perhaps last night

The world changed a drop

When last year stopped

And a new one came

Began it's reign

And here it is

Shining bright

Through the night

Fight or flight

It'll all be allright