Wake Up!

Life is a series of beginnings and endings. The end of a pregnancy begins a new life. The end of being single begins a new marriage. The end of one grade begins another. And the reverse hold true also. Dr. Seuss wrote: Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And I'd like to add: Laugh because something new is going to happen. One year's ending is a new year's beginning. And retrospectively, we try to understand, make sense of and calculate our past actions. Rosh Hashana... we focus so much on rectifying the past, cleaning our slate instead of being michadesh this new month, this new year! Instead of being filled with guilt, we should be filled with hope and promise! We have such a fabulous opportunity in our midst! Why should we wallow in our filth and mistakes of the previous year? That's foolish! Instead of crying over the friends we hurt and the teachers we mistreated, we should take that brave step and renew them... or, as Hashem does with us- Anew them. When you think about it, on Rosh Hashana Hashem isn't deciding our verdict based on our past... he just deciding based on our future! Are we worthy of being created anew...? This is what Hashem wants to know. Not if you are going to end... but if you are going to begin! Hayom Haras Olam... today is the birthday of the world... A birthday? A beginning! A celebration! And Hashem wants to invite you to this gala event! He wants to feed you delicacies and shower you with gifts! He wants you to dance! To sing! Rosh Hashana is a Yom Tov! A good day! Why do we go into these days of awe like a mourner at a levaya? This isn't your funeral! It's your party! These aren't days of mourning! They are days of MORNING! A sunrise! A new beginning! How fitting that we recite Modeh Ani each morning and Vidui during these upcoming days... The words, so closely related, are so appropriate both in their relationship and in their inherent meaning...

Rosh Hashana is less than 48 hours away. Hashem doesn't want us to wake up to recite Vidui with sorrow... but to recite Vidui with joy just as we would recite Modeh Ani each morning! Hashem isn't going to ask us, "why are you such a sinner?" He's going to ask, "Will you do everything you can this coming year to refrain from sinning? Will you do everything you can to become closer to Me this year? Will you love me this year?"

So... it's almost Rosh Hashana... Instead of feeling depressed and scared... instead of feeling black and disgusting.... instead of feeling like a loser, WAKE UP! Open your eyes! Recite Vidui like you would recite Modeh Ani! Say it with excitement, enthusiasm and JOY! THIS IS YOUR PARTY! It's the birthday of the world-- and YOU are invited to the celebration! Dance! Sing! Show Hashem that you want life! That you want to live! Celebrate your new beginning as if your life depends on it! Because my friend... it does.

 

Countdown

It's time to look back

To analyze each lack

Every mistake we tried to forget

Comes back with a fury

And burns with regret

 

Did I say that?

What did I do?

Did I make a mistake?

Was I wicked and untrue?

 

Less than a week

To introspect and understand

All the things that occurred

By my own misled hand

The choices I made

The words that won't fade

And the things I wish I could erase

 

Can it be that a whole year

Has gone by so fast?

And all of those memories of the past

Are returning and last?

Zachreinu

Remember pelase

V'Kasveinu

Inscribe me with ease

B'Sefer HaChaim

It's all I ask

 

 

Inner Fireworks

There is a lot riding on this moment. Did you know? This second has the potential for greatness... or for failure. There is so much invested into this second-- love, emotion, money, hope... So are you going to let it fall? Or are you going to utilize this moment?

Modeh Ani Lifanecha Melech Chai V'kayam She'hechazarta Bi Nishmasi... I am thankful to you Hashem for giving me my neshama back each morning, jam packed with hundreds of moments, fireworks of potential, just waiting to burst forth! And as the day goes on, they start to lose their power, they grow dim and fizzle out... and then, at night, we go to sleep, close our eyes and G-d recharges us, hoping we will awake in the morning and explode with good things from the incredible fire He has ignited within us.

It's a troubling thought... it can be the reason why we feel so motivated when we are inspired... but then fall flat when we don't act on inspiration. it's difficult to grasp and to put into reality because unless we use each moment, it dies.

This year, my year, my chance to be selfish, my year to just think about me... there is a lot of pressure riding on it. Will I waste my moments here in the holiest land, $20,000 and my own expectations? Will the hopes of my teachers, friends, family and myself die out simply beacuse I didn't stoke the fire and keep it burning strong? It's only slightly frightening...

I have been here for less than two weeks. In that time, I have been to the Kotel four times and each time I feel renewed (and drained from the buses). I have witnessed sights that have tickled my thoughts and pulled at my heart... But can each adventure and each day keep me going with enough sparks, to create fireworks within myself? To keep burning strong? Here's to finding out....

Jingle

She sits...

Worn, spotted, aged skin...

She waits... patiently... each day...

If only today... let it be today...

Layers and layers

A small way to hide...

Her shame...

But it embodies...

Her hope...

"Tzedaka removes the evil decree"

She holds out her cup

In her wrinkled hands

And jingles the few coins she already has

Waiting, waiting

"Help me..."
Just a few more... and maybe

I won't be hungry tonight...

And I?

I see her... and the others...

And all I can do...

Is try not to cry...

Building Blocks

Take a walk through this neighborhood

That barely stood a decade ago

Now it is a thriving community

And one look gives you all there is to show

 

Stone houses, built up so high

Children running, barely shy

Communal caring, unlike any other

Where one looks out for sister or brother

 

It's hard to believe

That this is mostly brand new

Built by dedicated hands

For the sake of each Jew

 

And now I come in

To see the hard work that was done

And turned this barren desert

Into a home of love and fun

 

A Yishuv, built from distinct building blocks

Constantly growing, around the clocks

Beating time that said, "No way!"

Is now a community that will not sway.

The Second Visit

How many times during my Tefilos did I close my eyes really tight, block out all the noise, place my hands in the air in front of me, and envision myself in front of the Kotel? Countless times, if I even tried keeping track. Finally, after months, and years of waiting, I made it there. I won't tell you about my first visit- the rush and chaos of trying to get over 100 girls to tear kriah, say a few words of Tefilla, and move along, all in the midst of tour groups, an army ceremony and the regular Wall visitors, all the while, I was on the phone trying to coordinate with my cousin how to get me my linen...
My second visit... that was glorious. After a rather unrestful night, me and three friends hopped into a monitto the Kotel at around 6 in the morning. We got there as the sun was coming up. The Kotel square was mostly clear and we were able to go right up next to the wall. In just a few moments, the words of Shacharis came pouring forth... I felt like there weren't enough words in Tefilla to encompass all the things I felt at that moment, all the words I wanted to say... the connection I wanted to make. I placed my hands on the smooth stones -- a shock, because I thought they would be rough... only to realize that the rain and tears must have smoothed them-- and just... breathed. I looked up towards the top of the wall. I felt so small, yet so important. After I finished Shacharis, I wasn't done. My heart was beating so fast... I just had to keep talking to Hashem. I started saying Tehillem.... After several Kapitlach, I felt mildly satiated... The desire, the burning desire to say more, to build the connection was cooled, albeit momentarily until my next visit. After years of waiting, I finally understood the connection and desire that others felt and yearned for. Women kept coming up next to me, rushed and excited, sobbing. They would kiss the stones, let their tears fall, say a few words of Tefilla and hurry off... They are so safe in their connection that a few moments is all they need...
Being here less than two weeks, my mind has been spinning with images and words. The stories and lives that walk the streets... it makes me feel even smaller.... But if feeling small means living in this gorgeous land, it's worth it.

Welcome Home

After taking a blogging break, I am back and Baruch Hashem, posting from Israel! I hope to use these posts to bring some insights and my own perspectives on living in the Holy Land.

 

As always, questions and comments can be sent to rachellidreyfuss@gmail.com. I will be posting as often as I can, but won't be able to check comments so frequently. If there is a pressing matter, please email me. Additionally, if you have any requests/tefilos that you would like said on your behalf at the Kotel, please email me, as I go at least once a week, sometimes more.

 

Regards from Israel,

 

RD