Day Nine

I would like to say that today is Day One of my journey, that I am well prepared for my ascent and I know exactly which direction I’m heading in. But, truth be told, it’s already Day Nine and I haven’t a clue about where I am going or how I’m getting there.
I’ve barely begun and already I’m worn and weary. Lack of preparation or guidance leaves me feeling vulnerable.
Already, trying to track my journey is tiresome. But this is my journal. My diary. The Diary of my Spiritual Conquest.
I’m not sure how to go about this. I have forty days to make my discoveries, to come to certain conclusions and make my own decisions.
Forty days of spiritual cleansing. Purging myself before I reach my destination. Uch.
Whenever I come to this time, I feel so… detached. How can I ascend this steep ladder? Does the distance matter? Or does effort count too? And if so, does reaching the peak actually mean something? Or is it just a goal, albeit, rather unattainable? Self introspection is so difficult. No matter about the pain. This is my journey. Pain is inevitable. Success is uncertain. Discovery, for good or bad, is inevitable.
So here I am. At day nine. Nine days late launching my journey. I have nothing with me but my mind, and the vague knowledge of where I should be going. Nothing concrete. Just whispers. Yet, this is a map. I just don’t know how touse it. It holds keys, treasure and how to unlocked all of my mysteries.
Sigh. Travel is never easy.
Day Nine. Forty remaining.

Rocky Road

Life's a rocky road sometimes,
It catches us by surprise,
It takes a while for us to choose,
To open up and realize,
That despite the pain,
The miserable rain,
And all the shame,
Light shines through,
The darkest clouds,
To a place where previously
No happiness was allowed.
Losses come in many forms
And tear us to the core
We pray and beg, please no more
And wonder what else is in store
But if you choose
And take the time
You'll see the beauty and rhyme
The poetry in life itself
If you raise the bar
You'll go far
In the proverbial car
That is life.

Passage

I’ll wake up from this nightmare

One day, I will live in a dream

These four white walls

Aren’t as clean as they may seem…

Its pasty appearance bears the burden

Of too many tears shed in sorrow

Yet they lead to an open window

That can be opened to the promise of tomorrow

Portraits hang sideways on the walls

The lighting is dimmed throughout the way

The floor bears the scars of my travels

As I continue another day

Vague rays of light shine through

Paving the way to the final door

And through that passage at the end

I won’t exist in this realm anymore

Within this darkness that I cannot fight

Tiny sparks ignite a fire of hope

It gives me the strength to go on

And the power to carry on and cope

Worn and weak, I step forward

Pressing past each trouble before me

I will conquer with each step I take

And pass through into eternity

Cutest Passover Video

Quite possibly the cutest Pesach video out there this season (clean tune, cute kids and proactive for our cause!)
Enjoy!

Redeem Me

Please,

Please don't let go...

Please don't let me sink

Another level lower,

Than I already am...

Please... redeem me...

Bring me up from...

Down here...

Don't let me be lost lost in the darkness...

I have fallen so far...

I am just waiting...

To be taken...

And on this night...

I will sacrifice all my fears,

Let down my guard...

Give you all control...

And then...

Be free.

Benefit for Bentzi

I was asked to pass this video around... If you can help Bentzi, please donate here: Benefit for Bentzi

Unspoken

Words unspoken

In haste, forgotten

Yet in waste,

Turned rotten...

Precious few can describe

Or even compare

Yet completely worthless

When unreleased into the air

Kept quiet

For far too long

You were uninformed

About what was wrong

Trapped inside my head

Never escaped my mind

Lips sealed

In vain, to be kind

Passive behavior

Yet yelling would be better

Or penned

In an honest letter

Words never brought

To fruition or life

Will cut worse

Then the sharpest knife

Given the chance to speak

I remained unspoken

And now I remain

Completely broken.

Layers

You can't put on a new suit until you take the old one off...


Layer by layer...
Piled on in ignorance
To cover up...
Or to improve that which lies
Underneath...
But if you pull away the layers
Though it all remains hidden
There is no denying the fact
That it is always there
Beneath the surface...

Forgiveness

I humbly apologize on bended knee,
I am bent in half, for the taste of forgiveness,
That which only you can feed ,
And for it, I am filled with lust and greed,
Only the elusive words of, "I forgive you,"
Will fill the gaping hole your silence has left,
Growing within me.
Here I am,
Broken before you, like shattered glass,
Strewn across the floor and here I lie,
Soaked in my own blood and tears,
Because if I can't control the hurt from without,
Then I must learn to maintain the pain within.
Profuse apologies cried in whispers,
Fall onto deaf and turned ears,
Until I am hoarse and dry throated,
Forced to write these words of desperation,
Even though, deep down I know,

You will never read them.

Welcome

I have been to weddings... weddings of (not frum) family members... weddings of close (and not so close) friends... weddings of sister's friends... I've been around a bit. Yet... there is still something so... pure... so real about going to wedding of someone you have never met, never heard their name, and in fact... they just joined your family.
Tonight, I received an "invitation" (via text message) from a friend to attend a wedding of a recently converted couple. Driving to the gym, a friend and I decided to attend. We had our workout, raced home to change and arrived at the shul just mere moments before the trumpet blasts announcing the "newly" married couple. And without knowing the kallah or her past, we dancing with her into her new future. I can't say for sure who was in attendance... a fair few of my fellow school mates and some high school aged boys (separately, of course) danced for the kallah and chosson, respectively.
I have to admit, I am the kind of person who will voice when something makes me happy... and I was SO happy being there. It wasn't a show, it wasn't a big blow out... It was a simple wedding, a small crowd, a lively band and... the Simcha and Sasson that only a Jewish wedding can spread...
So, to the chosson and kallah, welcome... we are so happy you are here... IY"H we should only share in many, many more simchas.

It's another breath stolen...
GAAAASSSSPP
It's another heart broken...
CRAAAAACCCK


Shallow breathing...
How... COULD you?
Accusatory finger pointing...
You KNOW what you did...


Eyes closed...
You can't seeeeeeeeee me
Legs pounding on stone pavement
And you will never find me...