Choked

There isn't a more choking feeling
Than that off a loneliness so intense
You can't grasp the pain within yourself
It is just there and you can't hold it,
Control it, minimize it...
It just grows and grows,
And burst until you can't breathe...
After all...
You are being choked.

I'll wait for you
I said I would, no matter how long
I'll count down the days
Until you are no longer gone...
And even if the space in between
Can't be filled, cuz nothing compares to you
I'll find someway to bridge the gap
Because what else could I possibly do?
I've been nurturing this hurt
Almost unimaginable pain, in the darkness of unknown
How much longer can I wait,
Just moments away from almost grown....
And the hands keep ticking
But there went one of the hands
And there goes reasoning
Lost in the space of not being able to understand
Another seconds slips by
I hope back another tear
Down here, without you
I wonder how much more there is to fear
Lights switching off
There goes another moment of clarity
Honesty and truthfulness
It's a once in a lifetime rarity

This Child, I Love

Please remember

You swore to never forget

Yet the memories we shared

Are not a part of you yet….

You stare at me

With blank eyes and a smile

I know you will be a part of me

Forever and a while…

I have spent so much time

Invested in helping you grow

Despite it all

That time, you will never know

You were blessed to never understand

The pain the others must endure

And for the own suffering you experience

There has not been found a cure

And sometimes people ask

Why do you do the things you do

Sometimes I think those things

Are the very building blocks of you

As I hold you close

Promising to never to let you go

Tears fall down my cheeks

Because, of this love, you will never know…

Awkward

We became friends in a minute... and in a second, I wanted it to end.
Soon, it became suffocating... notes in my locker... I couldn't breathe. I couldn't look at her.
I went cold. Froze her out.
Then.... guilt thawed the ice and I told her.. then it became weird.
I talked to someone about it... I really just needed a break.... Time away from it all.
Summer was a good distraction. And I saw her at the end. It was... Hi. Bye.
Now... I said I wanted to talk. But I need guidance first. I am not the type to discriminate.. but something about her... scares me. I just want.. to cut her out... ignore all the texts... phone calls...
Hard to do when we are on the same team.. and sit next to each other in first period English...
I really just... want it to end.

What would you do?

The Way of the World and How Small I Am

I wandered the city streets feeling rather small and out of place.... much like a fish out of water. It was hard to breathe-- though, that could be attributed to all the smokers and their insensitivities of blowing in my face. Or perhaps the kicked up smog and dirt of the cars rushing by. The air was filled with the cacophony of incessant honking, pedestrians on their phones and muted music flowing into the street from the shops. I wanted to pause... let everything, and everyone around me stop, for just one second. My brain could hardly process all the activity, noise and sights.
It was oddly chilling... all these people... all of their lives... parallel to mine... just in another reality... We all exist on the same earth, in the same time, and maybe have a thing or two in common... but have nothing to do with each other.
I have always wondered what it would be like to meet every person in the world... the President... a starving child in Africa... a NYC hipster.... a religious folk, from any walk of belief... the stranger down the street....
And not even the secular amongst...
A trip to Monsey showed me that their are so many of my own, my own brothers and sisters that I will never know... or understand...
Sometimes... it makes me think.

Good Mornin' Prayers

Another day has arrived

I open my eyes to see the wonders waiting

I hold my breath as the world reveals

All the brilliance you continue creating

I rush around, there is so much to do

Caught in the moment, I pause and think

How long can I keep running on autopilot

When you and I are never in-sync

So I take three steps back

Just to talk to you, so you can hear

That even if though sometimes I run

All I really want is to be near

In hushed whispers I am reminded

Of all the things you do for me

Breaking through the illusions of this world

And enter the next world reality

Can you hear me, down here on earth

I wonder if you’re watching when I am so far away

I’ve been working so hard

To see your hand in every day…

And when I say my thanks to you

When I awake each morning and open my eyes

I am alive, once again

And only then, do I truly realize.

The Little Things

My school started a program a month ago... it's called Todah Time. A jingle is played over the loudspeaker, and everyone is supposed to grab their Todah Time notebook and write down something they are thankful for. I was good about it for... two days. Three tops.. but the idea is still there... so here is my list about things I am thankful for today....

1. Coffee in the AM (Pre- Chumash Class)
2. An excused note to class (Chumash Class)
3. Teacher came late (Navi Class)
4. A really yummy orange (Break)
5. A substitute who just shmoozed (Historia)
6. A yummy sandwich (Lunch)
7. Chocolate and a nap (English)
8. An amusing teacher and chill class (Hug A Dev- College)
9. Mindless period of Photoshop (Photoshop)
10. Submitted my yearbook pages (FINALLY!)
11. Ordered a sparkly ring
12. Went to the gym
13. Cleaned my room
14. Designed a cool logo
15. A yummy dinner


Wow.... this was an awful day, I nearly cried five times (at least), I wanted to scream and curse everyone and everything, chuck a computer, yell etc... But look... fifteen things...
Sometimes life is pretty amazing...

Hashem loves you!
Hashem is OBSESSED with you! He has a picture of you on His fridge... sends you flowers every spring, takes your picture in a storm...

Stained

The overturned Starbucks cup…

Cold, dark dregs of a too-sweet drink

Dripping down the side of my desk…

Spilled over those papers “I was going to get to”

“When I got around to it”

Leaving wet stains as a sad reminder

Of the things I never accomplished

The rising scent of a once warm comfort

Permeates the cold air

Leaving an uncomfortable stench

That for some reason

Won’t go away…

And there lies the very reason…

I never cleaned up.

Can You See?

Looking at this portrait, reflection of me
Eyes revealing the window to the soul
Inner depths that lie buried beneath facade and fear
Are the only understanding I can give for playing this role

Sometimes it's seems like more has to be hidden
Than told, it's all a matter of protection
Yet, buried truths are the only means
That can guide and lead in the way of perfection

This road to destination
Trying to be guided in the right direction
And every image captured before my eyes
Means seeing the world through a veil of discretion

And the camera's flash snaps again
Frozen in time is another moment, for good or bad
At least I have the memories to be reminded of
And despite the heartache, I am still glad

So look into these eyes
And tell me what you see
Be careful, go too deep
And you just may see the real me.