I Remember

I remember walking down that path when it was just you and I. We held hands, laughing, telling jokes, just happy to be together..

Best friends...

Life was so simple...

The wind blew softly through the trees, the sun shone gently beneath the waving leaves. We sat on the smooth grey rocks for hours telling each other stories, reminiscing about our days without a single care in the world.

And when we weren't sitting, we were roller blading through the shadows as fast as we could. We were invincible! Nothing could touch us, nothing could stop us! I remember thinking that I never wanted the happiness, the care free attitude, the peace to end. I just wanted to keep soaring, keep flying, with you right by my side.

All the things we said, and even things never spoken we understood as if they were shouted out loud. When something went wrong, I never had to explain myself. You just got it. All of our weird habits and secret codes were the true manifestation of our friendship--only we understood, and that was all that mattered.

So what happened? Where did the simple sunny days and laughter go? I searched for your voice, your smile yet somehow it kept eluding my grasp. I would reach out to catch it and just as soon as it was in my hand, it was gone... just like you...

Looking Back

You know how when you grow up you like to think that you aren't holding on so tightly to the things that made up your childhood-- dolls, toys, books, friends, teachers, schools... You're older, more mature, and way beyond the juvenile intricacies of childhood... certain friendships were only temporary, teachers were just a bother and school was such a chore... yet something comes up and sparks your memory.... suddenly, you're transported back to when you were just a little kid... everyone around you was so big, so smart and you felt so cozy and safe in that little world of childhood. It was a time in life when nothing could hurt you, you were always happy and really, the little things did make you smile! You think back to all the foolish antics you performed, all the trouble you got in for silly things and think Wow, look how far I have come... Yet you also can't help but think that you want to go back... back to the friends who didn't judge... back to the teachers who it was OK to hug and kid around with... back to the principal you had a strong bond with.... but of course, you're all grown up, so none of these things should matter... yet without them, you wouldn't be the person you are today! It's because of all those little things that you became such an outstanding individual with amazing talents and traits... its because of the teachers who built you help, the principal the guided you with love and care and the friends that taught you what friendship and trust are all about....
I don't know about you, but to me that's what looking back is all about... recognizing that you really aren't past all those things... because honestly, without them, who would you be?

Must Be Hard (It's Only Four Years)

Dear Friend,
It must be hard
Living in the dark
Living in the lies
That you're constantly fed:
No one cares
No one understands
No one is listening...

Society has warped you into believing
That you are alone
That everyone is against you
And you must face your raging battles
Alone
With no assistance
Or help from anyone...

I feel so sorry for you
That you believe such lies.
Enemies?
Are you facing an Arab
Straight in the face?
Because if not,
There is no hatred so strong in a person
That you could call someone an enemy
Or they could consider you the same.

It's only high school,
Or didn't you know?
In four years you'll be done!
In four short years,
Though they seem so long
All the pettiness:
Jealousy, envy, greed and hatred,
Will wash away with time

Because thank the One Above
Girls grow out of their insecurities
And stupidity.
Don't fall prey to the
Drama! Intensity!
Because honestly,
They are only trying to make their lives seem
More interesting, more exciting
When really
They are just like everyone else.

So now you're sad,
Now you're upset...
What are you going to do with those emotions?
Wallow in them?
Bury yourself beneath their false comfort?
Indulge in them and let them consume you?
I think you know better than that...

Find someone to talk to...
There is always someone...
A friend, a teacher...
And when you can't find someone you can see
Turn to the One who is always there
And always waiting to hear from you.

Don't be another girl
Who lets what others think of her
Create who she is.
Paint your own life,
Write your own story
And if you wish,
Leave out the parts
About the other girls
Who were simply foolish to believe
That it was all about them.

Friend... I believe you are hurting.
I believe you when you say things are hard
But that doesn't mean you have to drown within those thoughts
Channel them to make yourself do something!
Let them guide you to a better place,
Let that hurt, that pain
Lead you into the comforting arms
Of the One who cares the most.

And after you have done that
Do me a favor
Let me know how it goes.

With love,
Your friend

Digging

Grabbed my shovel
Ready to dig
Beneath the surface
Beneath the visible layers
That are so obvious and apparent
To find something more...
The sun shines high in the sky
The wind blows breezily through the trees
The scene is set
And I?
I am ready...
One shovelful...
Two...
I see treasures!
Shimmering in shades of gold and silvers,
Glimmers of red and hints of blue,
Gems, precious stones,
And more, and more!
I have hit a gold mine!
A diamond's rough
Is mine!
And I continue,
Digging
Digging...
I am in the hole now,
The shadows creeping around me,
The treasures piling up...
More...
More...
It's getting hot now...
Hotter...
Hotter....
Where am I?
What is this place?
Where did the sun go?
And the breeze?
My treasures may reach the sky
But I can't see it!
The heat,
Oh, it's unbearable!
I dug too deep.
Those visible layers are now gone,
So far away,
And those comforts of knowing the obvious
Are far from my reach.
The treasure... once so precious
Where has it gone?
Why has the sun dissappeared?
I only wanted to know,
To find more,
To understand the depths...
Does digging deeper,
Mean losing myself,
Within the darkness that comes,
With going lower and lower,
To find more?
And in this struggle to know,
When is enough,
Enough?
When is too much,
Just right?
Treasures....
Digging...
Did I dig too deep?
Should i set my shovel aside
And climb out of the rut
That I put myself in?
Or do I expand the sides of my hole?
And if I do that,
How can I get myself out?
So far deep...
Digging?
Or done?

Wow...

Not so long ago,
That sad, angry person was me,
Yelling at Hashem and the world,
"How can this be!?

"This isn't my test,
Something went wrong!
And I have no idea,
How I can go on...

"I just want to hurt myself
To release all the pain
How can all this suffering
Be part of your plan!

"I am not strong enough
To handle what is thrown my way
So just take it, please!
Just take it all away!

"This religion, being Jewish
It's not meant for me,
Right, wrong, keep straight,
It's not easy!"

But honey, hearing it now
I hear how crazy it sounds
Cuz amazingly enough,
I can say I've been around.

So listen to me,
Don't be harsh, or rash
This test you're struggling with,
I know you will pass!

You've done it before
And you'll do it again!
Nothing is over
Until it's the end!

There is still time for change
To change your situation
And head for a brighter
More beautiful destination...

So calm down, take a deep breathe
Just breathe
Look to Him, and it's so simple
All you have to do is believe.

Almost 3 AM

It's almost 3 AM
And I wish I were sleeping
Instead of keeping quiet,
Tip-toeing and creeping...

With so much to do,
Only a few days to get it done,
Luckily for me,
This is kinda fun!

Smooth like ice cream
Everything is going right
Despite the tiring fact
That I will probably be up all night...

Pictures flying by
I really almost there!
And I really gotta be finished,
The deadline is near!

All nighters have never really been
A part of my high school career
Cuz let me tell you honestly,
They are a pain in the rear!

Truth be told, I am not so tired
Though I could really fall asleep
Once this project is finished
I will finally soar and leap!

Sitting in front of two computers
Totally enraptured in this world,
Who knows what sort of magic
Is soon to be unfurled!

Just two, three days away
Really can it be?
I sincerely hope I make it
Albeit, a bit sleepily...

Waiting for something
To do what it needs to do
I thought I would write this poem
Just to be able to tell all of you...

That...
Life...
is...
Good...

Simcha on Stage

When the lights go dim
Does it mean that the acting can finally begin?
Can another side suddenly shine through
This facade of me, or perhaps a reflection of you?

Your smile, your shine, your glistening glow,
Underneath the makeup and costume, does anyone know?
Can anyone assume, or can they tell?
As far as I can see, I performed my part well...

But when the lights go up, and the curtain is drawn,
Can this radiant smile and ringing laugh go on?
The face that was pretending, can it really last?
Or will it simply fade into a memory of the past?

I wish to be what you all think of me
I think maybe I am there, playing it honestly
And maybe the facade has reached into my heart
Can it be, I am no longer simply playing the part?

The script memorized, are the very words I echo and speak
Words, conversations, enthusiasm and joy repeated week after week
The Director Above has directed me in ways I have never known
And after tonight, I hope that He is smiling in His Throne.

I know I keep posting similar themed poems about plays and the like.. there is a good reason for it. One, production is now! Two, this life is a stage, and we are here to perform in order to perfect ourselves for the World to Come. If we smile bright enough and reflect joy to others, Hakadosh Baruch Hu takes note. He sees every smile, every kind word and adds it to His calculation. Were you a star? Are you the center of the spotlight? Perhaps your job is off to the sides, away from center stage? It doesn't matter where you are in the grand scheme of it all, as long as you do your very best where you are put and make the best of it, no matter the troubles, mistakes or slip ups that come with it...
Keep smiling...
Someone Above is smiling with you...

Witnessing a Miracle

I can't even explain what happened... one second I was watching her through a screen... the next, I saw her in person. A small person, but an incredible world onto her own... a living, breathing miracle, the very manifestation of Hashem's ever present guiding Hand... I wish I could give more details, but to protect the identities of those involved, I can't.
All I can say is... there really is Hashem in this world.
Wow....

Kid! (Inspired by "Oh The Places You'll Go)

I have to say, despite some of his more silly poems, Dr. Seuss is a genius. Read Oh The Places You'll Go to see what I mean. The underlying message in this poem is incredible.

I wrote this poem a while ago, I think to cheer myself up. Was going through a rough time and was trying to write some self-made chizuk... So here it is... hope you find something chizuk-y in it too.

Kid! (Inspired by “Oh, The Places You’ll Go”, by Dr. Seuss)

Kid, you cry,

But why?

Did someone die?

Did someone say goodbye?

Kid, why?

Why oh why?

Why do you cry?

Wipe your tears,

I’ll remove your fears,

Sure, life isn’t crystal clear,

But I’m always here,

And He’s everywhere,

He’ll lend you his ear,

You’re His precious child, so dear.

Come near me,

Listen close: you can be,

Everything you want to be,

And everything you see,

Is there for the taking, it’s all free,

Just call out with a plea,

Then go on a spree!

But be careful, watch out,

Some bad things may be about,

You’ll scream, you’ll shout,

Trapped in despair and doubt,

But a chance for hope will sprout,

To pull you from the aching-breaking drought.

Step left, step right,

Push through the darkness and see the light,

You’ll emerge victorious from this night,

Kid, just fight!

You got the power, you got the sight,

To soar to the highest height,

To be free from your plight,

And even though they may scorn and spite,

Kid, you’ll be all right!

You have the power to achieve good!

You know what to do, exactly what you should,

And I knew you could!

Pull down your angry hood,

You make think you’re misunderstood,

But you can still do good!

Do what you want to do,

But do it for you,

No one else has to have a clue,

Cause you’ll always make it through!

Kid, you are scared but true,

So real, it scares me how much you grew,

Kid, you soared! You flew!

You always had the power in you!

Sometimes you may fall,

But hear my call,

“You will once again stand tall!”

“You’ll get through it all!”

You may suffer, you may have to crawl,

You may fight or end up in brawl,

Or walk down a dark, despondent hall,

But my name, my love, you will recall.

So today you are afraid,

But kid! You’ve got it made!

My love for you will never fade,

You will never be betrayed,

For you, I prayed,

And together we played,

Then fell laughing in the shade.

The time spent with you, I would never trade.

Kid, I love you!

Don’t you see it’s true?

I’m crazy about you!

And you know what to do,

Get away from the sadness, you’ll pull through,

And if I'm lying, so sue!

But you and I together, just us two,

Together we will pursue,

And fight and fight, the whole night through,

Kid, you’ll emerge victorious, it’s true!

And I’d do it over… just for you.

Kid. I love you.

Doesn't Last Forever

Cuz I got over it
(Though it took some time)
I thought it might be nice
To put it to a rhyme...

Lost some money
Was feeling blue
Do these kinda things
Ever happen to you?

My brain goes a little fuzzy
And I forgot where it was
But there must have been a reason
Could it be cuz...

I gotta learn that material doesn't last forever
So I can't really hold on,
Not to say I shouldn't be upset
And simply say "so long!"

But to realize and see
It's all in Hashem's control
And all of these happenings
Are part of a bigger goal:

To see so clearly
With wide open eyes
That losing things, but seeing why
Is really winning the prize

So Baruch Hashem
The money was found
I am feeling much better
And now joy is abound!

Happiness and
Peace of mind bring
The clarity to see
And reason to sing!

So yea, this made me sad
But now I am as happy as can be.

So...
I can smile for a friend
And mean it honestly.

Shining friend
It's all a bit rough
But life's little lessons
Are making me tough

Another day awaits me
With more struggles to win
Friend, you've given me strength
To overcome and still grin!

Climbing Mountains

I was saying a poem outloud last night... the truth of the words scared me so much I began to cry. Things like that don't happen to me... The poem can be read here. Yes, I wrote it, but the idea wasn't mine... it's something that faces us each and everyday-- the decision to make the right choices, or succumb to the wrong ones that will hurt us in the future.
Lately, I haven't been doing so well... lack of sleep and too much work can make a person think some bad things...a friend told me the other day "sheva yipol tzadik vakum." Now, I know I am no tzadik, but all these falls and struggling to get back up are helping me to become one-- someone who sees the struggle and understands that it isn't a reason to stumble rather, a reason the work even harder to rise above them and climb ever higher. I was reading "Mountain Climbers," by Malky Feig this Shabbos. The stories presented there express challenges we all are faced with at one point or another in our lives, or know of someone who has... Mountains say a lot about the past of Klal Yisroel... many major events in our history took place on, by, or near a mountain... Akaidas Yitzchak... Matan Torah...Binyan Beis Hamikdash... Churban Bayis Rishon and Sheini... Eliyahu and the false prophets... so is it any wonder that when we discuss struggles and difficulties we parallel those things to that of a person climbing a mountain? Those events on our history represented different stuggles-- Avrohom sacraficing his son and Yitzchak, willing to let it happen.... recieving the Torah after two hundred and ten years in Mitzrayim; Klal Yisroel throwing all their faith and belief into Hashem completely... building the home of Hashem... as well as watching it being destroyed... Eliyahu, one man amongst many who didnt believe, trying to make them see truth... Mountain climbers, struggling to bring Shem Hashem into the world through incredible trying situations... Climbers simply don't see what is in front of their faces-- rocks and dirt, instead they see the summit at the top where they can look around and gaze at the wonders of the world... Our Avos suffered greatly but they didn't see just their present situation, they saw the future where their actions would influence others to make the right choices!

For those of you who read my poem posted the other day (which I subsequently deleted) you saw how much my struggles affect me. They hurt me a lot, just like a mountain climber aches all over as he climbs ever higher... so yes, struggles hurt, and difficulties are hard to cope with, but as each one passes, with each one we over come we become stronger and are able to climb higher.

The poem linked to at the top of the page is the culmination of our lives-- standing before HakadosH Baruch Hu with only our mitzvos to defend us and stand with us... so why shouldn't I cry? I'm scared-- there are so many mountains I must climb in order to have those mitzvos hold me closer... but it's climbing those mountains that are bringing me closer to Hashem...

So, it is tough, it is hard, but Baruch Hashem I have been blessed with friends who care, a family who loves me and teachers etc. who want to show me how to climb higher...

It's tough... but it is so worth it.

Getting There

Just a little thought before Shabbos Kodesh...

"People search for the city of happiness without realizing it can only be found in the state of mind."
(R' Paysach Krohn)

And don't we all strive to live in the place? Isn't this exactly what happiness is? Putting yourself in the frame of mind where outside influences don't determine your internal emotions. So it doesn't matter how much you have, because the poorest person could be the happiest person.. it's all about where you travel to and how you get there... so while you may not have the fanciest car to get to where you're going, be grateful that you are able to get there, and surely that will put a smile on your face, and when you smile on the outside, you can smile on the inside...

Have a great Shabbos!

The Game

Will you lose?
Or can you win?
Will you succeed?
Or succumb to sin?

You are being instructed by two players
And One Judge is watching it all
To see if you will climb each mountain
Or stumble, slip and fall

With light you are guided
To make the right choices and decisions
But darkness is vying for your attention
And will try to make you make painful incisions

The Judge marks your every move
Everything you buy, sell, make or do
He is writing everything down
And don't you know, He's rooting for you!

In this game of triumphs and mistakes
He is always on your side
Trying to make you see what is right
And hoping you will let Him in and not hide.

Every day you move around a board
That is filled with twists, turns and trouble
But if you turn your heart toward Him
The Judge will help you on the double!

Evil and good will fight for control
Of your thoughts and mind
But if you choose good
It will help you in kind

Go around the board
Make your choices with care
But always know that if you fall
The Judge is waiting near...

Read Between The Lines

I don't know where this one came from... we had a speaker this morning who was the epitome of kedusha, it was kind of amazing... so, maybe it came from this... or maybe from the chubura I started going to... we are learning R' Desslers Michtav Me'Eliyahu, aka "Strive for Truth!" And its kind of incredible how it seems like he is writing just for the person reading it... We have only had two weeks and read through chapter one, but its really geshmak stuff, so I highly recommend learning it!

Letters from A Gadol-Read Between the Lines

Pen pressed across a page
Worn, yellowing from time and age
Letters written with love and care
Sent from here to over there

Wisdom wonderment and honesty
Written with thought, honor and dignity
A message to convey
So much to say
Read this letter carefully
To live your life appropriately

Do you read these words open-hearted,
Or has your desire for self-growth simply departed?
Do you think this letter was written to say,
Your simply not worth it, just go away?

No! These words beg of you please
See that they're meant to be door opening keys
Use each one as if its brand new
So you can see the wonders they will do!

Understand they will help you strive
Live your life as if you're alive!
Don't live this non-life spoken about
Read these words, they scream, they shout!
They beg, "Please choose to live a life,"
That's filled with goodness and far from strife."

This aged letter is not meant to be
A letter of angry rebuke or hostility
It's meant to show you the proper way
So read each word with care and approach each day
With eyes and heart open wide
With joy and excitement, let them come inside

Half Birthday

My half birthday was yesterday. Once you reach a certain age, half birthdays don't seem to matter much... I mean, after all, your still the same age... just half way along... I wouldn't have even remembered had my teacher not placed a note and two cupcakes in my locker on Friday because she wouldn't get to on my real birthday which falls out in the summer (That always bugged me because my birthday falls out after school ends but usually before camp starts and during that midway point between the two, people often don't have time for parties... I got lucky this summer and the lady I worked with made me cupcakes.)

Anyhow, I thought it was really nice of my teacher... Her little note was a small reminder for me to assess myself and see where I am in life... So a few questions flit through my mind, causing me to wonder... am I any different then I was six months ago? Have I changed-for the better? Or C"V for the worse? Am I any smarter? Have I learned anything new? Have I made any new friends or... lost some? Six months in retrospect isn't a long time... but when I think about the six months ahead, I see I have a long way to go. The road I have traveled is just a memory, fading into my past, but it is that road I have traveled that has brought me to where I am now, and to where I am going... so the question is, how do I get to the destination I hope to reach by my next whole birthday? Do I want to be stuck somewhere on the side of the road, lost with no direction about how to keep moving forward? Or do I want some guidance now so I can get to where I want to be?

Life is funny how certain events or situations cause us to ask the hard questions that lurk in our minds... and yet sometimes, we are so busy we never get a chance to answer them. Of course we all want to grow. Of course we want to reach those landmarks on our maps of life... we want to reach our destinations safely and look back on the journey and say "Wow, what a ride! Can't wait to keep moving forward!" So when we get stopped at a red light (in the figurative road of life) we have to take the time and use it wisely to think about all those things that will help us to grow and become better people... (and maybe better drivers at the same time...)

So, a day after my half birthday I am going to find some time this week to think about where I am in life and where I want to go... and even if it isn't your birthday/half birthday/life milestone this week, I recommend you find some time to do the same... a little introspection now and then never hurt anyone, right?

Hopefully I'll meet you all somewhere along the way and we can look back and say, "Wow! What a ride! Can't wait to keep moving forward!"