*Melting*

My student, a 4 year old boy, asks to sit on my lap during circle time.

Me to student: Why do you want to sit on my lap?

Student: Because!

Me: Because why?

Student: Because you are the best Morah!

I officially love my job.

Step

I feel like I am in the midst of this grand balancing act, my arms spread as far as I possibly can, praying I don't fall.

On my head there are plates and bowls and shoes and books and hearts piled high. One step wrong and everything falls.
I fall.

I just need to get to the other side.
I need to get through a few more days... weeks... months... and then I can breathe (a bit) easier.

Phone calls... emails... texts... letters...

Money, miles and meetings.

High expectations... high risk factor.

I am not at risk.

But so much is at risk.

One small step...

For me.

One giant leap...

For life.

War

Don't call it a fight when you know it's a war...

Heroes, warriors

Fighters in the field

But not with guns

Or swords

They are fighting

Themselves

A battle that bravery

Cannot win

And strength cannot overcome

It is a battle

I have seen too many times

Yet, it happens

Again

Again

And again

And those who can end this war

Who have the power

To join and fight

Have settled

For shutting their doors

Closing their hearts

As the innocent fall

They don't give out their weapons

Or make known their solidarity

Instead they sit

High on a hill

Behind closed white doors

While those in white-washed rooms

End their war

With a steady beep

Reminding us one more time

That the battle was lost

And the war rages on.

(It makes me angry. So angry. I didn't know Sam, but by this point, many who didn't know him have become painfully aware of his life... and his death.

Cancer is a battle... a WAR we can win if only those with the power to make a difference will finally get off their lazy, greedy, heartless behinds and DO something about it.

How can children dying not be a wake up call? The drums of war have been sounded... and some people just refuse to hear them...)

In memory of Sam... http://supermansamuel.blogspot.com/) 

Mi Adir

There is something

About being here

Watching as this monumental moment

Takes place

Seas were split

Mountains were climbed

And hearts

Were broken

To bring them

To this moment

Where he looks at her

And she, at him

Bracing themselves

For that one foot falling

That shattering of pieces

That signifies

How they will come together

To build a home

Remnant of a time

When we were all one

And now that they are one

The music begins

The laughter is boundless

And tears flow

And something about being here

Watching as this transpires

Brings me a kind of joy

That I cannot fully put to words

But through these ones

I have tried.

Midnight Musings

I am reading into things. I am watching for neon signs, lights burning bright in the night, guiding me. Perhaps this is the one that will guide me home. That person in my path... yes, he must have all the answers.

I have learned to turn away from thieves in the darkness. But finding an honorable man... well, that is harder than that "needle in a haystack" theory. 

Is every sign meant for me? Is every signal meant to turn me? Did I stumble into Oz? Is some crazy misguided brainless scarecrow sending me scurrying in every which direction? Or will the man behind the curtain eventually reveal his truest intentions?

Maybe this rabbit hole I have fallen down, this life that seems to crazy to be real, is just the dose of medicine I need.

I am smiling. I am happy. But at the same time, I am searching. There is mystery to be questioned. There are pebbles to be tossed, to create ripples in the water. But to settle... to feel like I have accomplished... well that would be better than anything.

So... I continue searching. I wander. I try to fulfill the plan intended for me.

I think one day I might be able to accept what has been sent to me. Until then, all I can do is try.

Written in...

It used to be

That your fate was sealed

In black and white

As plain as day

No denying what the written word said

But now... 

Even after the proverbial ink has faded

And memories have whitewashed to

Paleness

Someone

Somewhere

Can drudge up

Your shame

Words

Attached to your name

Though you have repented

Changed your ways

There is no escape

Archives

Endless records

Of every thought

Word

Comes back like a poison arrow

At the heart

Straight for the kill

Maybe

If I stand still

It won't hurt

As much

Letting Go

I release you

To the wind

To the sky

I finally

Will let go

I finally know

Holding on

To this heart

I thought was mine

Has only made me

Hate mine own heart

So I start

A new

By letting go

Of you

The past

Can no longer weigh me down

I no longer

Will be chained by

Someone who I thought

Was so high

But at the end

You were human

Like the rest

And at best

You had flaws

The same as me

So you see

To let go

Means to know

I have flaws of my own

But I no longer

Am trapped by yours

So for that
I let go

And embrace

A new heart

Apart

From yours

I

Finally

Can let go.

Too

I am trying to

Though

Therefore

I doubt

I shall

Perhaps

Carry on

Onto

Unto

The wondrous

Ridiculous

They who

Ridicule

Are simply

Too scared

Yet

YET

Are

We

There

Yet

Something

Someone

Somewhere

It's just

That I

Don't really know

But

My mind

Made up

To try

So

I shall.

The Happiest Time of the Year

Happiness is...

Hundreds of presents

Wrapped under a tree

One for you

And ninety nine for me

Happiness is...

Trampling a stranger

For a deal so good

That I have no problem

Knocking someone where he stood

Happiness is...

Sitting around saying thanks

For all I have

While looking at the next gadget

I can grab

Wait...

TRUE happiness is...

Having beliefs

Bigger than me

Morals and values

That have guided us for centuries

TRUE happiness is...

Overcoming adversity

And returning home to rebuild

Discovering that not all hope was destroyed

Because one flask was still sealed

TRUE happiness is...

Finding that spark within

That burns brighter than twinkling lights

And remember that miracles do occur

Far longer than those magical eight nights...

This Place

I am here
At this placed called
Now
And I wonder
How
Did I get here
Miles from where
I intended be
Reading this map
That's outdated
Never updated
But should somehow
Guide me
Show me
Where I need to be
I am following
Unpaved roads
Don't know
Which direction
And without discretion
I am asking strangers
Talking to scarecrows
And skipping merrily
But I am terribly
Afraid
That I might end up
On the wrong side
Of the story
And will fade
Without glory
Alone

Voices

It's voices...

Faint reminders

Those nagging...

Doubts...

Sometimes

They are quiet

And sometimes

They are

So 

Loud

It shouldn't be allowed

We only use indoor voices

Inside my head

You don't need to scream
I can hear

Loud and clear

If you were anymore near

I would fall from the reverberations 

Of your voice

The ground shakes

The earth opens

I am swallowed whole

Falling into

The silence

And at last,

I am at peace

In pieces.

Pressure

The little tea pot

Burning on the fire

Little puffs of steam

Burning higher

Shut tight

Nowhere to escape

Locked with chains

And sealed tight

Getting hotter and hotter

Too hot to touch

Can we cool down

This is getting to be a bit much 

Let's turn up the heat

Can you handle the pressure

If I could

Would I feel this under the weather

Run faster

Do more

Be the best

Get the highest score

Lose yourself

In the craze of reality

Try to keep calm

And don't lose your normalcy

But once it gets too hot

This little pot

Is bound to overflow

And explode

(What a childish way to express the stress I feel but since all this pressure is building up in my brain I have lost my ability to write normally... for the time being... but I had to write something... so here...)

Vulnerable

I don't think people realize how vulnerable we are until we see each other in our pajamas...

But if you are wearing a superman t-shirt, you might be safe...

Road Trip

Let's go out on the road

But please

Don't take me for a ride

I am not ready

To take a trip with you

We have been tripping through

This relationship

You call "friendship"

When were we ever

Actually friends

You never knew the meaning

The give and take

So fake

It's all about your insecurities

Self esteem

Or lack thereof

And I am so done

With trying to please you

Or even appease you

So the next time

You have somewhere to go

You better know

I won't be going with.

Over It

Over it

Or simply

Over being obsessed with you

Trying to decipher

It's just unclear

How I feel

When I think of...

Us two.

It's been

A year

I missed the anniversary

Of when we

Fell out of touch

Even though you touched

The deepest part of me

Am I really

Over you?

Or over what you did to me

Can it be

That you are

Over it too?

Today

Sticky hands

And smelly feet

Playing games

Never being neat

Hands in places

Hands shouldn't be

Who could judge

When I am cute as can be?

Runny noses

And chewed up sleeves

I may look sweet

But my smile deceives

Crayons and glue

Swings and slides

I am so young

I can't explain what I feel inside

So I will hit

I probably will scream

But it isn't really

All it seems

A Prayer

Dear G-d,

I pray to you

Two times a day

I try

But G-d

I sigh

I must confess

I am a mess

And only you

Know what to do

What my life will be

If it were up to me

I would fast forward through

See the man I will marry

The house we'll own

And the children we'll raise

But G-d

What I want the most

Is clarity

That precious rarity

That will help me through

And see that You

Have a plan

That may be hard

Cause alarm

But by far

Is the best for me

Sincerely,

Me

Two Years

It has been two years.

Two years...

Too long...

You are gone...

But your memory

Lives on

I didn't forget

How could I ever

Forget?

Someone as pure

As honest

As real

As you

And although

You are no longer here

You are still near,

Reminding me

To do good

To do more

To soar

So that maybe

I will see you once again

In that place up high

Where you watch from the sky

L'Zecher Nishmas Shimon Yosef ben Doniel Avraham

We Have Arrived

I can breathe

A sigh of relief

Ten days

Of sitting on the edge of my seat

Would I be beat?

Would I admit defeat?

Would I run out of

Food to eat?

Water to drink?

Would my house burn?

Would I turn

To rubble and ash?

Run out of cash?

Fall to illness?

I would be remiss

If I thought it was because

I was careful

Or possessed super powers
Because there is only One power

Who could allow me

Another breath

An escape from death

All around me

Friends have been falling

Have fallen

To flames and fire

To a journey that goes higher

To suffering

And pain

But somehow I

Have made it to today

And if you are reading this

You have arrived as well

So tonight

Tomorrow

Pray like your life depends on it

Because, dear reader

It most certainly does.

Gmar Chasima Tova.

Prayers

Two days...

Of prayers...

For..

A new year...

But for some...

That new year

Was just too far

To reach

Could another

Prayer

Have tipped the scales

Or was

There never a chance?

But we tried

G-d

We TRIED!

But still...

He died...

The man

Who taught me

What selflessness truly is

Who embodied

What pure chessed

Is all about

G-d

Did you hear us?

Why did you

Take him away?

Couldn't he have had

One more...
Million days?

All those prayers...

I hope

They will give another

A million days...