I think the scariest thing I have ever decided was when I decided I don't want to date. And I only decided this last week.
It has been an interesting year. The secular one I mean. I dated. Got engaged. And broke my engagement all in about the span of two months. Since then I have been trying to figure out what went wrong. How did I miss the signs. And there was signs about him, the relationship... But after months of therapy and a lot of introspection, frustration and confusion, I realized that I didn't want to date. I don't want to date. Why? Because I have so much I want to do and dating our world is an impediment to doing those things. I had anxiety while we dated about how this other person would impact the plans I had already made, the goals I wanted to achieve and the milestones I had to reach. So... I decided I don't want to date. And since deciding this, a few things have happened.
1. Someone asked me for my resume and I procrastinated sending it. Not for lack of time but for lack of intetest. She asked again and I sent it but a) I don't expect anything to come from it and b) I'll probably say no unless he comes wearing a sign that says "I am the man G-d intended you to marry and it was decreed that I marry you in heaven." and fireworks.
2. I was taking shidduch headshots (another discussion) for a single girl not much younger than me and she asked me if I was dating and I said no. She said, good for you, bla blah blah... And then asked me what I'm looking for. In my head I laughed because right now I'm not looking but to be polite I gave her my standard answer.
3. I was getting my eye brows waxed and my estetician, who recently finalised her divorce, and knows about my broken engagement (at this point it's better that people know) asked me if I am dating again and I said no. And that was it. Because if you date when you don't want to, you might get married before you are ready and end up having a few kids and then... Realise you didn't want to date to get married and are now getting divorced.
So, I have slowly been making peace with this decision. It is scary because I spent years, since senior year, thinking about dating and getting married and watching classmates and friends tie the knot, have a kid, two kids... But dating never felt right to me. Even the nicest, sweetest guys were wrong. Whether because of the guy himself or because I didn't want to be in this "tekufah" but now I feel more at peace. When I think about dating, it kind of makes me sick. When i think about pursuing my dreams, on my timeline, I feel calm... Satisfied.
This may change. I may feel differently in a few weeks. But for now... The scariest decision is also the safest, the more secure.
