Over This

I am so over this
The back and forth
Up and down
Can't decide
Make up my mind
Do I want you to be mine
More than I want to be fine
To be the portrait
Of what is expected
Oh, to be completely
Utterly rejected
A red 'A'
On my shirt
But would that hurt
More than denying the truth
Of what I really want
So we tease
We taunt
We flaunt
And we fake
We almost f...ell
But oh well
Someone had to be the grown up
Own up
To the childish whims
And wicked ways
That had us played
If I laid
To the desires
What liars
We would be
What liars we have become
But it is not the lies that destroy us
It is when we become numb
And can no longer decipher the truth
Within the prize
And so we take
The bad
The ugly
The deplorable
And make it acceptable
If only to feel something
Anything
Other than the crushing reality
That this was a game all along
And we have lost.
Everything.

Joy in Passing

I think it is very appropriate that my grandfather passed away just as the month of Adar began. Although he had been sick for sometime with a variety of ailments, he approached each day with happiness. Whenever I spoke with him, he always said, "hanging in there.. Taking it one day at a time," because everyday is a blessing and he recognized the goodness in each day. It is hard to find a place of understanding between such an incredible loss and the timing of such a loss. As Adar begins we are supposed to increase our simcha. We recognize that, like in Shushan, GD works behind the scenes. His ways are mysterious, but magical and majestic. Every occurrence in life was carefully planned. And so I must analyze the passing of my grandfather with it's time in the Jewish calendar. It isn't random. There was clearly a reason for it and I believe It has to do with The way my grandfather lived his life. He had set a goal around when he started to worsen that he would make it to my cousin's bar mitzva, his oldest grandson. He was determined to be there and he lived everyday with that goal in mind. His perseverance was really a lesson for me. He wanted it. He lived for it. And he lived happily for it. I could hear his smile in the phone when I called. Although he was probably in a lot of pain, he never let It detract from the fact that he was alive, he was living, and that is a beautiful thing.

If there is one thing I can learn from my grandfather's passing coinciding with the onset of the month of Adar, it is that life is meant to be lived with joy, no matter the circumstances or pain.

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

For the First Time in Forever... and It's Too Good to Be True

He likes me. He really likes me.

But he is several states away.

And several life stages behind.

But for once

FOR ONCE

He isn't a phony

A jerk

A liar

A creep

Or cruel

He actually he cares

He actually wants to try

To make this work

But I know

That with several states between us

And several life stages to catch up on

This isn't going anywhere

Except a straight trip

To the hills of heartache

Where I will roll into

A pit of despair

Until the next one comes along

And the games start again...

Have You Ever...

Looked at your life

And been shocked

By what you saw

The written word

And stone and law

Things you can't change

Choices that have been made

I didn't choose this path

The life chose me

I couldn't be

Anywhere but here

This is what I love

What I hate

But it feels so great

To know

It's mine

I can

Turn the page

Mature with age

Or act my shoe size

My lies

My life

Maybe it's wrong

It feels right

To stay up at night

Talking to you

Dreaming of a tomorrow

That's more colorful

Than yesterday

Let's just get away

And bring this life

With.

50 Shades of Wrong

I haven't read the book. I haven't seen the movie. But, I have read what others who have read the book and seen the movie had to say... and it seems pretty awful.

A controlling, abusive, sexually manipulative lover is not romantic. It's just that. Controlling. Abuse. Manipulation. Those things don't show up in the recipe for love. It's so sad that this is what the world thinks love is about.

When I was in high school (and beyond), the craze was Twilight. I read them all (I'll admit it) I remember that sickly, nauseating feeling of being sucked in (pun intended), thinking that THIS was true love and romance- the way he didn't let her go anywhere without him knowing, the way she was willing to die to live with him forever... and for what? I never saw any indication that he was a worthy partner except for the fact that he sparkled. Get real.

But to be loved... to be adored... to be treated with respect and dignity? That's what a relationship is all about. That's the feeling, the connection we should crave. Not sadistic, masochistic, self indulgent abuse. I won't see the movie. I won't read the book. The world has distorted what love is all about and I won't willingly sacrifice my dreams of a happy and healthy marriage for a bandwagon craze that will destroy the fibers of morality.

From miles away

I feel your hand

On my heart

Holding me

Through the dark times

Dancing with me

Through the light times

And running

Through the difficult times

Hand in hand

The world isn't quite so hard

To face

But it's your face

That I miss so much

And the miles between

Are stretching even further

Every day

That I feel closer to you

Could I go mad

From this space

That you both

Fill and empty

Simultaneously

Reminding me

That I am loved

And that I am alone

Fear

I trust you to do

No harm is all you do to

Me, I'm full of fear

Run

Run to fill hunger

Eat to fuel the run to face

The force that moves me

Word

I want every word

To mean more than one before

My pen is not still 

Why the Haikus?

I have been exploring other patterns of writing that are outside of my norm... haikus are the trend of the week for me.

So bear with me while I go haiku on you

(Gezuntheit)

I need sleep.

My Favorite Flavor of Heart

I seem to have misplaced

My heart

Or perhaps

I was too generous

In how much I gave away

Like my favorite flavor ice cream

I only wanted you to have a taste

But instead I gave you

The entire container

And thank-you-very-much,

I would like it back now

And the spoon as well

Oh, you ate it all?

There is nothing left?

That is how I feel

About my heart

Like I gave too much away

To too many people

And now that I realize

How much I am missing it

It is already being used

By someone else

For selfish purposes

Or even for truly admirable reasons

But I am feeling

Like there is a hole

Where my heart should be

So thank you very much

I'd like it back now.

Please

And a cherry on top

If you would be so kind...

Flicker

I read of light

The lingering promise

That wouldn't fade

Even when everything else

Had been torn away

A little bit of light

Will always shine through the darkness

Like the moon in the sky

Or a candle in a blackout

Darkness

Can be dispelled

In a moment

And you

Were that flame

For me.