The Shidduch Crisis... Correct Me If I'm Wrong

Earlier this year, I went to an event organized by some ladies in my community. It was called "Meet the Shadchan" and was meant to give the single girls in my community an opportunity to meet out-of-town shadchanim, as well as local shadchanim. Being naive and optimistic, I went. I dressed up, printed out my resume and picture  (only for the Shadchan's eyes, of course) and headed off to meet the shadchan (read: meat market). It was kind of fun in a way-- seeing all my friends in one night. Obviously so, we were all feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable. I met with two out of town shadchanim and a few locals. I left feeling excited because someone had also mentioned my name in association with a local boy. So yea, I felt great. And ten months later, they arranged a second event. In the time between the first and second event, I did not hear from a single shadchan. Not. One. Single. Shadchan. I sent emails with updated resumes and pictures. I did what I was supposed to do and I did not hear anything. Not "Oh, thanks for getting in touch" or "we are thinking of you." NOTHING. So when this second event rolled around I was completely less than enthusiastic. I have definitely changed in ten months. My perspectives on the shidduch system have become a little darker, a little less optimistic. Now, I can't complain. I am young compared to others. I am not at the point of desperation or thinking of "settling." But I am upset.

So I didn't want to go. But, after some convincing, I paid my dues, and went to the event. It was just as awful. And it was worse because this time I could see how flawed it was. Tens of girls were lined up, looking DROP DEAD GORGEOUS in Shabbos clothes, heels, makeup and jewelry to the nines. To meet the SHADCHAN! It felt like something straight out Mulan... off to meet the matchmaker, minus the synchronized song and dance. And it just felt wrong. I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to put on a good show. I was chewing gum, wearing my double-sided studs, no heels and did not take off my coat. I was told off by one of the event planners to throw out my gum. I left on my coat. I met with one out of town shadchan who hardly looked at me and one other Rav who seemed genuinely interested. But so far, no calls, no email.s

Now why do I think this event is wrong?

First of all, a five minute conversation is not enough time. These shadchanim could care less. They get paid to come so its worth their while. 

Two, why are we dressing so nicely like we are prancing down a runway? We aren't marrying the Shadchan!

Three, WHERE ARE THE BOYS?! Let's get real people- if you want to make shidduchim, stop looking at the paper. Yes, checking out backgrounds and hashkafos is important, but I bet if you put the boys and girls in the same room FOR TACHLIS you would have a better chance of making a shidduch than a five minute interview and paper filed away for later reference.

Another thing-- where are the local shadchanim? I noticed there was an important (or two) local shadchan who was missing on the scene, a shadchan with a monopoly on a group of boys.

Like I said- I can't complain. I am young, I am still picky about who is redt to me, and BH I have a lot going for me so dating would be nice, but I am not forlorn or desperate. But it bothers me INTENSELY to see a room filled with beautiful girls INSIDE AND OUT, girls who I personally can attest to their maalos and kochos, having to hawk themselves to a market of buyers who just file them away.

Now you might say, putting the boys and girls in the same room would be the same thing, because everyone is just seeing the outside, how they look and what they are wearing, and I get that. I do. But this system, this meeting the shadchan, is unnatural. Strangers coming in to inspect our girls? Do they actually care? If you don't fit their "type" then forget it. 

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just bitter and jaded (and I haven't been dating for so long) but it's gotten personal. It's gotten personal when my close friends are struggling because they have been written off as not good enough. When my good friends are rejected because they aren't a size 0 and well off. When incredible girls are struggling because the shadchan doesn't like how they look. And a billion other reasons.

I don't have a solution. I don't have an answer. I have my own silent pain and rage. I have my own tears and frustration over all the boys who I have loved and lost. I have anger. And so maybe that's why the shadchanim don't call.

Can It Still Be Tuesday?

With the winding down of my semester and the winding up of vacation, I have been lax in my Tuesday Tunes. But since Chanukah still extends until the sunsets tomorrow, I wanted to share a few Chanukah songs and videos that really lit up my Chag.

In no particular order...

Erez Cohen, "Candles (Light It Up")

The Maccabeats, "All About That Neis"

StandFour, "Eight Nights"

The Maccabeats, "Burn"

Six13, "Chanukah (Shake It Off Parody)"

A side note: Chanukah is one of those holidays that brings even the most irreligious back to their roots. There is something about the holiday season that resonates with us all. The family The sentiment of triumph. There are so many themes that people can connect to. This is why these songs are so popular, so catchy and so feel good. But in my journey to self (which was rather halted by school) I found that the lesson of light is the ability to find it within yourself. It is not about the darkness of the world- the enemies that try to bring us down. Yes, they exist, but their power comes from us. When we are strong, they are weak. So while Chanukah is all feel good and Sameach, I think it is a Chag that involves deep reflections and introspection. I am late on sharing this, and perhaps in even recognizing it myself, but it's late, my mind is spinning and I want to hold on to the light, that inner light, just a little bit longer.

A Freilichen Chanukah!

Tuesday Tunes

Wow, two weeks in a row! And lucky for you, if you haven't hear about this band, then you are in for a treat...

Continuing on the trend of Neo-Chassidus and its more mind-soul connection, I present to you "Zusha." I discovered Zusha a few weeks ago and have been mesmerized ever since.

You can find their music here: https://www.youtube.com/user/zushamusic/feed

Zusha is a group of three guys whose goal is to connect to Yiddishkeit through simplistic songs, often with just a few words and a lot of niggun. There is something so pure in their music. It stirs up questions. It makes you think.

As I write this, I am listening to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxF8LZ0H17s and through the progression, the chords and simple chanting, I find myself trying to discover the story buried within the song. It's the kind of music that begs you to think deeply. It isn't the usual head banging, voice altered, techno crazy music we are so used to hearing. It is soulful. Thoughtful.

While mainstream Orthodox Jews don't lean towards this kind of music-- the kind of music that best suits a kumzitz-- it is the kind of music that more people should listen to. It speaks to your soul.

What I really appreciate about Zusha is while their music is simple, they also share their thoughts on their site.

Like this one:

The wise men write - that everything in creation (including you and I) can be found in the first word of the torah, "Bereisheet"- 'in the beginning'
One idea from this word. Beis (the first letter, 'two') + Reisheet ('beginning') = Two beginnings. 
Every day, and more specifically every moment, we are given a choice. 
Two ways to think. Two ways to speak. Two ways to act. 
May we be blessed to always choose life, growth, and positivity. 
-zush

 

So simple, yet so profound. Go check them out.

Take Me Home

Take me home

Take me back to the labyrinth-like streets

Let me once again rest my eyes

On the colorful characters

And devout souls

Living higher than life itself

I am waiting patiently

Til I can board a bus to anywhere

Where every ride feels like

The first one I took

Where the speeding cars

And clear skies

Told me that I am home

I'm sitting in darkness

While I wait for the light

I'm living in night

But you're my new day

So here I sit waiting

Wanting

Wishing

But deep down

I know the truth

I need to return

I need to come home.

In Everything I See

I wake up 

And I look for you

I go to sleep

And dream of you

I wait for your arrival

And search for your existence

I have been wandering down roads

And making choices with uncertainty

I write with the hope

That I will find clarity

I feel in every moment

For your presence

And in every moment

You are present

I know that it is a gift

To recognize you

To know that I am not alone

That there are answers

To the questions that concern me

And to the questions I don't dare ask

People ask how I cope

But it simply through my hope

My belief and faith

That there is a higher being

Or else

All the pain

All the promises

Would have not point

If not part of some divine plan

That I too limited to understand

In everything I see

In everything I do

In everything I feel

I know that there is nothing

Nothing more real

Than the truth of you

Torn Apart

And it hurt like hell to be torn apart....

There has been something I have been battling with for four years. A force stronger than me, more mighty and powerful. It's hard to go into details without creating some sort of expose which while it is something I want to do, it is something that would rattle the world.

It hurts like hell when you invest your heart and soul into something, only to be turned on stepped on, and disregarded.

I just cannot adequately explain because it means throwing so many people under the bus. It means unleashing four years of frustration and pain. It means letting the world see the dark colors of something that is meant to be so bright.

It hurts like hell.

It kept me awake at night for a year. It drove me to make rash decisions. It made me question almost everything I believe in. And its happened again. Its happening always.

It hurts like hell.

Tuesday Tunes

Finally, I remember! (It is Tuesday, right?)

As of late, I have found myself on a quest of sorts. A journey to discovering myself. Yes, that is what life is inherently about, but I am trying to be actively cognizant of myself spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Mindfulness.

An important part of this journey is the music I listen to along the way. So I have decided to try and feature a different artist that I really resonate with on Tuesdays. (Let's see how long this last...)

Today's artist is Omek Hadavar.

Omek Hadavar is Hebrew for The Depth of the Matter, as the album art indicates. Their second album, Mekor HaChaim is "The Essence of Life"

I am constantly searching for music with meaning and passion. I have found that the simplicity in their music really stirs up emotions that I sometimes let lie.

"Hariyu" in particular is one of my favorites. What I feel is so powerful in this song is that in calling out to Hashem, we are not limited by how we can do this. Sing. Play an instrument. Trumpets, horns, shouting! Hashem hears us, no matter how we reach out to him. We can sing, we can paint. In my understanding, connecting to G-d is not limited by one road or system.

ד  הָרִיעוּ לַיהוָה, כָּל-הָאָרֶץ;    פִּצְחוּ וְרַנְּנוּ וְזַמֵּרוּ.	4 Shout unto the LORD, all the earth; break forth and sing for joy, yea, sing praises.
ה  זַמְּרוּ לַיהוָה בְּכִנּוֹר;    בְּכִנּוֹר, וְקוֹל זִמְרָה.	5 Sing praises unto the LORD with the harp; with the harp and the voice of melody.
ו  בַּחֲצֹצְרוֹת, וְקוֹל שׁוֹפָר--    הָרִיעוּ, לִפְנֵי הַמֶּלֶךְ יְהוָה.	6 With trumpets and sound of the horn shout ye before the King, the LORD.

I think in today's world, we are pressured to conform to one way of serving G-d. People think that the community with which you identify with is the way to connect with Hashem. It is unfortunate to see how a relationship with G-d becomes defined by the shul you daven at, the school you attend or the Rabbi you follow. 

The Jewish Action featured an article this month about the movement of Neo Hassidism. I have observed and heard from many of the individuals quotes in the article, but in the theme of this post, a particular quote stood out to me:

...defines neo-Chassidus as "people trying to live Yiddishkeit from the inside out, to live more deeply and fully . . . . People today are refusing to be put into boxes. God is One, and His truth can be refracted in many different ways."

Judaism is a prism. The light of G-d shines through one side, His pure undeniable truth. As the light shines through, it emerges as a spectrum of light, color and expression. Judaism is a beautiful thing to behold and is not observed in only one way. But, there is a understanding that without a firm foundation in Yiddishkeit through Halacha and text, the light can be warped. We must refract into through pure methods. The light shines through a prism... that prism are the leaders that guide us on our journey. 

So how does this all connect? There are those who are inspired to connect with G-d through raw Halacha and text. And then there are those who seek passion. They want music and passion. I feel that Omek Hadavar is one of those conduits towards a relationship with G-d that surpasses textual structures and allows us to strengthen our emotional connection with G-d.

Stay tuned...