Five Years

I was looking through my old posts... and then I looked at my first post. I wrote it for Yom Kippur five years ago. I missed my five year anniversary (English date) by two days, but since I wrote that post for Yom Kippur, I think it was before the Hebrew date.

Five years.

I don't think there has been much in my life that I have stuck to doing so consistently. There were definitely breaks during my blogging... a couple days here.... a few weeks of writer's block... months of needing to find a new outlet... but I have always come back here. I suppose I have found that writing here is cathartic... a place for me to express things that would be otherwise socially unacceptable... a soapbox for my opinions and ideals... a safe place for when I want to hide from the world...

I don't know how many people read this.... or if anyone reads this at all.. (ok, I know there are a few.... thank you for sticking by me) but I am so grateful for having this blog, this identity, that allows me to express parts of my soul that I would otherwise keep locked up tight.

So if you have been with me since the beginning, thank you. If you only showed up recently, I hope I didn't scare you too much. If you showed up now, welcome to my little corner of madness... Have some tea and stay a while.

Happy Five Years to me!

Of IVs and Analogies

I am scared that one day I will wake up, unsure of how I got to where I am, no memory of how I lost consciousness and uncertain of what happened during my slumber. I am afraid that my life will end with me just rambling nonsensically of things less lofty than my soul's mission in this world. I worry that while I sleep, in transition to the world to come, I will be unaware of the purgatory I will endure, the cleansing that hopefully might possibly perhaps bring me to a renewed light and energy in the presence of G-d.

I am scared that I will have no memory of my life. Or perhaps, even worse, the only memory I will have will be all my shortcomings, failures, misguided attempts at fulfillment and betrayal of G-d.

If I died tomorrow, could I stand before G-d, proud of my life? Would I stand by my choices, for good or for bad, and they were intended for the service of G-d? Could I defend my actions and explain that I only wanted to come closer to my dear Father?

I worry about the unknown, the blackness and abyss of when G-d puts me to sleep and I rise to His throne and stand for judgement. Will the scale weigh in my favor? Will all of my well meaning intentions be recognized as positive deeds used to bring His glory to the world? To bring me closer to Him? To be the best person I could possibly be?

I am afraid that where I stand now, I would certainly be unable to remain standing. I would fall from the sheer weight of my faults and flaws, and crumble before the Holy One Blessed Be He, because who am I to even attempt to speak in His presence when I have failed Him so terribly?

And then I realize... that while they may have put me under, a medically induced sleep, and I have no recollection of when I went to sleep or how I woke up in another place, I AM awake. I still have time. The shofar may be sounding and selichos may be recited but I have been given another morning, another waking to attempt to rectify the past, to prepare myself for a more beautiful and fulfilling day. A day that G-d will look at me and be proud and say, "You can have one more day. One more day, one more day, a million one more day to make Me proud, to bring My Name and Glory into the world, and for that, you can have one more day."

Wanderlust

Give me words
Wishes
Wonderments
I have wanderlust
To get back to you
6000 miles
Might as well be to the moon
And back
For how far away we are
Cars can't cross oceans
And planes can't keep pace with my beating heart
As I beat with love for you
No expression
Of song
No imagery captured
Could hold as tight
To my need for you
I dream
I pray
I hope
To return home
When the wars have ended
When the hate has been erased
We will rebuild the broken walls
Lay foundations for a stronger future
And be everything we were meant to be

Musings at 8 am

I wake up in darkness

Though I'm sure my eyes are open

There is fear of this oblivion

But my belief still keeps me hoping

This night can't last forever

The sun still has to rise

I wait in darkness

For the light to reach my eyes

There are those who tell me it's hopeless

And I should just give up

But even when I feel that way

I still have hope even when I'm stuck

As the clock turns its numbers

I see a glimpse of light

There is a glimmer of comfort

That I'll make it through the night

When I feel like nothing will change

And things will be this way forever

I know this moon will wane

And I will face this stormy weather