The Happiest Sadness or The Saddest Happiness

We laugh

We cry

We try

Try

So hard

To remember

The good times

When the bad

Seems so strong

How long?

Why

Are you gone?

Come back

To happily ever afters

And dream come true

How can we

Live without you?

Such a short time

Such a pathetic rhyme

When I want

To write you

A song

A novel

The encyclopedia

Of everything

I adore

And more

About you

We cannot undo

What is so final and done

But

For everything under the sun

Nothing can shine as bright

As the memory you have left behind

And for all you leave us with

We will pay back in kind

We will continue to shine

Cold

Life has made you

Dark, cold and sad

I see how

You would rather stand in the rain

Than bask in the glow

Of the sun

And if only one

Could take your hand

Take you away

To somewhere safe

You would go

In a moment

A flash

But one second has passed

And you are still here

Staring at your shadow

Wondering why only darkness

Seems to follow you

When you used to be

So full of promise and hope

And now

You barely know how to cope

With the hand you have been dealt

And every feeling has been felt

You would rather feel nothing

Than the pain that consumes you

Skin

If you saw the color

Of my skin

You would grin

I am the color of

Love

Radiating laughter

And ever after

Beams from

My fingertips

I've got a better grip

On everything you let go

If only you could know

That my skin says

All the things

My words can't

I am dreaming of

My skin

Showing the world

What it means to be

The rainbow

I will show

My glow

And then you will know

The color of

My skin.

Black, White and Red

It feels like

My world has come

Unhinged

I am coming loose

Splitting seams

And flying paper reams

Cables crossing

A tangled

Mangled

Mess

Trying to understand

Why you have become

So cruel

What rule

Have I broken

When we haven't even spoken

When did I

Become so despised

I mean, honestly

We used to be friends

Or some variation

Of friendship

Until a few months ago

When you

Let go

Disappeared

I've tried not to care

But this feeling has been hanging

Dangling in the air

Above my head

Like a cloud

That won't go away

And in the past few days

Have I seen your true colors

In their shades of grey

No matter how black and white

You try to be

Being frum

Is no excuse for being rude

To me

Them

Or anyone

I will always respect

Someone who wants to grow

Don't you know

I try to do the same

We walk the same road

But maybe it's called another name

So please don't judge

Just because  I sin differently

Because honestly

We all bleed red

We'll end up dead

And I don't want our differences

To dig our graves

Brother

Brother, where are you
Dear brother, where have you gone
We used to be close
And now you are so far
I don't even know who you are
But brother I saw you
You looked happy
And that hurt
Because we used to be close
You used to know
What it meant
To be a brother to me
To talk to me
When I was in pain
But now
Like then
I remember
That most of that pain
Came from someone
Who I thought
Was my brother.

Everlasting

This is where

Lines cross

Eyes blur

Hearts race

Cannot pace

Time moves

Too fast

Flies past

Cannot grip

I slip

Forget

Regret

And try

To patch together

My own piece of forever

But then I remember

Nothing lasts

Except for

Who I choose to be today

So for that

I hope I don't fade away

But somewhere

Someone is waiting for me to say

That I'll be here to stay

I just hope that day

Comes sooner

Than it seems to be

Or else I might

Lose me

In that mad dash

Can't

Don't tell me I can't

When you haven't even given me 

A chance to try

My limit is endless

If I will it

I can reach the sky

We let the small things

Hold us back

Logistics and planning

Are just a way

To reach a goal

That maybe needs more

Than reality to fuel it.

Getting Gif-y

At the moment, I have run out of words to really describe what my life has been like lately... luckily, I have some pictures that do a pretty good job :)


These past few weeks have felt like this:

This morning felt like this:

As all my plans keep forming, falling apart and reforming:

To put it simply: 

But then I get a small reminder:

Sigh... Things are super crazy right now. I sort feel like a deflated balloon, just deplete of any energy... like a precariously standing Jenga game, about to tip and break all over the floor...
Shabbos cannot come soon enough.

Words

I wanna try something.

Write me a letter.

Write me a song.

Write me a poem.

Write me anything.

Make it real.

Make it fake. 

Tell me a joke.

Just use your words

(Preferably without profanity or vulgarity.)

Post it in the comments or send me an email: rachellidreyfuss@gmail.com

Whatever you write, I'll write a response to match.

Use your words. Use them wisely.

Eyes

What is it like
Behind those eyes
Those eyes
That wander
Cry
Gaze past me
Through me
Never at me
I wonder
What goes on
Inside your mind
Do you understand
Where you are
Why you are here
What you are doing?
I watch
I stare
I am mesmerized
And confused
I wish I knew
What it's like
Behind those eyes

I Accept

I accept...

That I have flaws

And faults

Too many to list

But I also have talents

So for the sake

Of acceptance

I will try.

I accept

That I am clumsy

Especially in heels.

I accept

That I am ditzy

To the point of seeming totally clueless.

I accept

That I will always be

My harshest critic.

I accept

That I am a writer, designer, editor

Producer and filmmaker.

I accept

That the innocence of children

Inspires me to ensure that it never fades.

I accept

That I would rather play Candy Land

Then pretend I enjoy being an adult.

I accept

That music is my escape

And nothing could fill that void.

I accept

That I have always been open to love

But have let too many strangers in.

I accept

That I feel too much

But sometimes, not enough.

I accept

That I will never truly accept

Everything about myself

But I also accept

That I will always try.

Midnight Snack

So, it is close to that time of year... harried days and nights doing more work than is physically and humanly possible, trying to stay awake into the wee hours of the morning.

Sigh.

I used to thrive on it. It used to make me feel alive. But now... I kinda just want to sleep.

After reading The Frumanista's Post about The Battle of the Bulge and getting more sleep, I am sold. 

During those sleepless hours when I should be sleeping, my body realizes how hungry it is and usually only junk food is readily available. Sorry, but I am not interested in a Summer 17 (pounds). So... here is to getting more sleep, eating less, and still trying to do a great job... Stay tuned for some posts written at an hour that I should never see. Ever.

It does make for good posts though...

Muscles

I am sure you are now envisioning some muscle headed gym rat bulging in all the wrong places. (And if you weren't before, I bet you are now!) But those are not the kind of muscles I want to talk about. I want to talk about Middos muscles. They get worked out whether we like it or not... sometimes we can choose... and sometimes we just have to swallow our pride and let them be worked.

Let me paint the picture for you.

It's a typical college classroom. Girls are writing notes... some are typing them... and then there is the crew in the back, eating their lunches, running out to use their cel-phones, talking incessantly, and basically just being rude and obnoxious.

Sitting somewhere toward the back is me, typing at my computer, alternating between my notes and checking Facebook. My ADD is severe so this helps.

Now, it is finals week. And suddenly, all those girls in the back who couldn't be bother to take notes because omg, it is just soooo hard, and like omg, i couldn't focus, come to me. They text me. They email me. They ask me for my (almost) meticulous notes. 

1. After I told a girl to remind me to send her notes...

 Hi.

thank you so much.

if you decide that you dont want to give them out. i totally understand!

2. From a girl who missed a class:

Hey Rachelli!

would you mind sending me Mrs. ______ notes from last class?

Thanks a ton and hatzlacha studying!!

3.  Another girl who missed class:

can u email me notes from the last 2 classes?

4. This is from a girl who misses class and doesn't take notes when she is in class:

i know im bugging you but can you email me your notes?

5. From a girl who sits in the back and pretty much is clueless about most things, doesn't take notes even when she is in class: 

Hey Rachelli! Cud u email me ur notes?

Hey! Wen u get a chance wud u b able 2 me ur notes starting after last test?

Sometimes they are nice and write me about a class I missed and if I want their notes...

6. Also I realized you weren't in class last week, if you need the notes from then I'd be happy to send you mine.

My middos muscles are screaming that I should do this, no matter how much it hurts me or irks me. So... I did it once. And then again. And then again. And then... again. A part of me wants to throw my computer at their faces for being so obnoxious. Really? You were in the classes too and you couldn't take your own notes? So now you got to distract me the whole time by talking over the teacher and I struggled to type my notes because I couldn't hear, and now you get a full, free set of notes?

And I am ready to just scream.

On the one hand, it is nice that they thought of me. It may be the only time they do. People only seem to remember me when they want something. And want another thing. And another thing.

And what do I get?

The satisfaction of helping them pass their test at the expense of my time, for having to fulfill their requests?

This is college. I wish they learned by now to take their own notes and not rely on other people.... especially when they are in the class with me and think it is ok to talk just because they aren't taking notes.

But maybe I should just deal... maybe it'll be a zechus? A segula?

Last finals are tomorrow.

Thank goodness.

What would you do in this situation? Would you just tell them it is their fault for not taking notes? Would you send them notes, thus furthering their lack of responsibility?

What do you think?

Cease Fire

No pun intended (ok, maybe a little...) but I am calling a cease fire. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and views, but my phone is buzzing like crazy.

Keep reading :)