Alternate Options

He says he is done. No more. He won't do it. The definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And that's what he thinks is happening here. He is young. He is frustrated. He is trying to make sense of heart ache. His heart has been broken too many times. He has been tortured. Abused. This system chewed him up and spit him out. He is different. Looks different. Believes different. Dresses different. And because of that, now he wants to marry different. Different religion. This one just isn't working for him anymore.
And what can I say.

What can I do?

I am just as burnt out. I am just as angry and frustrated. My heart has been broken too many times to count (if you have been here long enough, you have read about it.)

So how can I tell him, that despite all the heartbreak, the hour-long dates ending in disappointment, the countless resumes that are just so wrong, there is still hope. I still believe. I believe that G-d will not let me remain single forever. Just long enough.

Can I tell him that the waiting sucks but it will be worthwhile? Can I tell him that if he marries someone who is not like him, at the fundamentals of his existence, that THAT will break my heart even more?

What can I tell him?

This Sinking Ship

Save us please

From this sinking ship

It has been raining for days

The earth has been soaked

Drenched

Flooded

The rivers

Have overflowed

There is a rising tide

And no where to hide

The world has wiped us away

And all that remains

Is this ship

Held up only by our faith

Which is being shaken

Hard

There are enemies

So cruel

So evil

Pure

Evil

And they are trying to tear us apart

Shoot holes in our hull

Bring us under the surface

Drown us

They have drowned us

In our tears

In our blood

They won't cease

Until we cease to exist

But You promised

40 days, 40 nights

And the flood would end

But can we last that long?

Give us a sign

Give us something to hold onto

Something to believe in

We believe

That there will be peace

That the world will return
To order and truth

You showed us your promise

Now end the waves of terror

End the floods of incitement and force

Return us to a world

Where your might is the only thing we fear

And Your power

Takes our breath away

A world

Where tears do not soak the earth

Rather they are only shed for happiness

It's Only Tuesday?

This has been the kind of week that makes you want to crawl under the covers, hit the rewind, restart, do-over, undo and escape button all at once.

Too much sad news. So many people getting hurt. So much heartache.

I couldn't sleep Motzei Shabbos. She was in my dreams. She was posing for pictures... if only I could have captured them. Her tznius, her beautiful face... what a special neshama. If only there was more I did or said.

And then the kind of news that makes you shudder and squirm. A classmate and a questionable substance. What was so bad that she thought drugs were the answer? Did she have no one to turn to?

And then... a kid...  I was supposed to meet her. People got busy. And now she is dead.

And to think, almost a year ago, G-d decided this would happen. In a sense, they were dead before they died because it would happen whether they tried to prevent or not, whether they made a different choice or not...

This world. This life. This crazy existences.

Makes you think twice, think long and hard about what you will say to G-d next week. What you will ask of Him.

Summer Heat

I lost my way this summer

I thought I had a plan

It was all mapped out

The way things went about

Like a train wreck

Fueled by rocket fuel

Lit on fire by a volcano

Crashed into by a plane

It was pretty ugly

Pretty awful

It felt like

Every wall was moving in

Every window shut tight

Doors locked

Lights off

Air

Sucked

Out

It was pretty awful

And when I felt like I couldn't breathe

When the room was spinning

And I was sliding into despair

I woke up today

And things

Aren't quite as bad as they were then

The summer

Is just a memory

And tomorrow

Is a mystery

That I am excited to uncover

So...

It was pretty awful

But it wasn't the end

It isn't over

I am not finished

So

Nice try haters

You can try to tie me down

But I'll get out

Get around

Make some noise

Make a sound

And break through my own silence

I keep writing these words hoping one day I'll find the right ones to either bring you back or set me free

...
@Leo_Words

I have been trying to write
To find some way
To express
My anger
Anxiety
Apathy
Ache
Ache
I ache
Trying to write
Something
Some word
To capture
A spectrum of emotions
So wild
And wicked
So instead
I will bottle them up
Shake them
Til they burst
And maybe the words I need
Wi come forth.

Go back

If i could go back

And fix the mistakes I made

the words i said

i never

meant to hurt you

i wanted to be amazing

i wanted to create art

and design

i didn't give you a chance to 

learn the ropes

and develop the feel

instead

i went in for the kill

and now

im at a loss for words

have nothing 

left to say

because no words

no nothing

can fix this

please

i am sorry

forgive me

for

being a psycho

there are no excuses

but it is a nightmare in my head

i wish i had woken up sooner

Journeys (From the Archives)

There are questions

And answers

My view of the skyline

Shows how we have triumphed

And my view from the sky

Shows our scars

The streets tangle into memories

That transverse time

And remind me

Of why the pain felt so good

And the joy felt so strong

It was a searing reminder

Of why life is so wonderful

Even when things go so wrong

The journey led me to strangers

Who eventually became family

When there was no one else

There was always you

And so when I draw my map

All roads will lead me home

Even if I miss the turn

I'll know that my compass points you

And will return me to where I left

And where I have dreamed of coming back to

Nachamu

The conflict of this poem is that I cannot find any peace or comfort in writing it. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. For the first time, I think I will publish an incomplete piece. And find comfort in my own short-comings.
For once.

Nachamu

From where

Will comfort come from

When all of our comforts

Have betrayed us

Batteries dead

Clothing torn

Food spoiled

Jobs lost

Hearts broken

Love lost

Lives take

Can we be comforted

When we feel so uncomfortable

My skin is wrong

I was born in the wrong body

My flesh is a prison

My mind, a locked door

Some imbalance holds they key

But somehow

Somehow

You will comfort me

The world

Has gone a little mad

Stabbings in the street

Distorted perception of love

But somehow

We shall be comforted

All the pain

That

Take Me

Take me

Take all of me

You can have my heart

You can have my soul

Take my sorrow, take my pain

Take my yesterdays and tomorrow

I am a vessel, cracked and chipped

For without being broken

Where would the light shine through

Darkness exists

Simply to be illuminated

So illuminate me

So that I may be a light for others

Mean What You Say, Say What You Mean, Mean What You Feel

It's kind of frightening

To be so honest

To say the rawest of truths

No matter how cruel

Would you rather I sugar coat

And live obliviously

I want to feel like

In every painful moment

So that every moment of joy

Is that much stronger

More to savor

More to enjoy

I didn't expect to feel relieved

But I felt angry

That you had such power over me

To make me feel so inferior

But now

I am superior
And although what we had is lost

And it came at a heavy cost

No longer will I live in a lie

Or cry

Over a boy

Who couldn't bother to say goodbye.

Restart

It still scares me sometimes

How fine I feel

How everything is ok

And I am in a good place

And then

And then

I see your face

I hear your name

My heart stops short

*Press restart*

Start system in safe mode

I thought I felt safe

I thought I felt ok

But then it all comes back

Like a power surge

The years of wanting

And waiting

The crushing disappointment

I never thought I could cry

For something I never had

And never will

Friday Afternoon

On a warm Friday afternoon

Long before the sun has set into a cool night

A group of people come together

And for a time, the world feels so right

There is a guitar or two

And men who feel their souls

They sing, they dance

As if they have clouds inside their soles

There is no weight in their heart

They can just embrace the day of rest

If every prayer could sound like this

Then the world would be so blessed

With every song, a new circle is formed

Their voices grow louder and stronger

For some it feels like eternity

But I wish this could go on longer

For just an hour or so

I feel like G-d is dancing here too

He joins hands with each of us

And shares His joy in all that is try

In a side room somewhere

A small minyan comes together

And although it's just for a Friday evening

I wish it could go on forever.

Disabilities Do Not Have to Disable

You look at me

The label that you see

The words on a paper

That describe 

Everything I am not

I can not

I will not

You have checked a list

For my dysfunctions

And with that

I am put into a class

Of people who are

Unable.

I have a disability

But I am not disabled

Because what that paper does not say

Is that I

Love to sing

And run

And dance

I love to be held

And most of all

I love to be loved

To be treated like any other

Maybe I do not reach the typical milestones

But in my world

The miles are not as painful
Because I enjoy every step

Can the same be said for you?

Silent

I have held my tongue

I have tried to hard

Not to comment

To criticize

My city

Has been in flames

My community

Has been scared

And I

Have been riddled with anxiety

This is not the way

The world should look

Those who aim to protect those

Who aim to riot

Against those

Who protect

Those who riot

And it becomes

A never ending

Circle of

Hatred and destruction

And what do we accomplish?

What do we teach our children?

I believe there are problems

That need solutions

I believe

There are hearts that are aching

Oppressed

Rejected

Abused

And suffering

But what if we

Band of brothers

Decided to be the good

To be the change

The world

Could look so different

But instead

We take to the streets

With rocks and weapons

And loot our own neighbors

And that creates justice?

I am a small voice

And I should say nothing at all

But to be honest

It hurts to see this

It hurts to know that this can happen

And it hurts more to know

There is nothing I can do.

Questionable

I am divergent
I am the anomaly
They tried
Not to answer
I ask questions
That are questionable
There are no sources
For what seduces my mind
And sometimes I find myself
Wondering
If right and wrong
Are so black and white
Cuz I feel so heavy
Hanging near the light
And the darkness is just oh so tempting
Give me a little fun
And no regrets
One and done
That's all it has to be
So follow me
Down this rabbit hole
And see you on the other side
Of wonder

Love

Is love sensible

Practical

Or can it be

Radical

Magical

Can it make a sane mind

Lost to find

If we lose ourselves

Will we find

The other half

This path

To completion

Is riddled with riddles

And jacked up with jokes

I have to laugh

At what has passed

It has taught me more

Than any lesson

Yes

It does not lesson

The need to find

My hearts' mind

Found in the hand

Of another

Yet there is not other

Except you

Too true

I will search

I will find

I will be fine

After the Fire

They are debating your goodness
And questioning your kindness
They wonder about your love
And contest your concern
It was a fire
An inferno of uncontrollable destruction
But your affection
Is boundless as well
It it within our finite minds
That we limit your infinite wisdom
And try to make boundaries
Within which to understand
This tragedy
Because it is a tragedy
It is an awful, horrific
Heart wrenching, mind numbing tragedy
But you
Are the remedy
You give the cure
Before the curse
And we
Your children
Have to simply ask for it
And there it is

Baruch Dayan HaEmes
You are the true judge

Be Strong

I need you to be strong

I need you to realize

You have more power

Within

Despite what you look like

On the outside

I know you have been beaten

And battered

And have taken more abused

But you are still so pure

So strong

Be strong for me

Even when the walls

Crumble around you

Even when the world

Has turned its back on you

Be strong

Be strong

My little soul

Be strong

dance

It's 1 am. i just came back from a friends wedding. i wasnt planning on staying so late... or at all. But then I had a drink... and then another... and then another.. and then i felt happy... and there was music... so i danced... and as i went in circles....around ....around... i thought about how my life... is a series of circles... cycles... patterns.... right... fooot...left..hand... and then i switch it up and repeat. but its the same and then it isnt. i try to make sense,.. but its too loud, too dizzy...

I am at a place in my life where it is a constant struggle between wanting to disappear and wanting to be noticed. 

I love the attention... the thrill of being wanted.... and then all of a sudden, it is all too much. and i just want to get on a plane and fly straight to the mountain side in bat ayin where i realized that G-d is really in this world, the way He can make me feel so small.. and yet so big, so many possibilites, all t once.

and rightg now, the possibilities are swirling like the wind that has been messing up my hairs for the past two days. its relentless and destructive. how do i behave? what choices am i supposed to make? i dont want to lose an opportunity i am meant to have but i dont want to regret the choices i make that sacrafice my happiness. i want to be happy. i want to be fulfilled. i dont know what i want.

perhaps another drink. 

perhaps another dance.

I want to dance. I really want to dance.

How much I want you
Can only be matched
By how petrified I am
That one day you will discover
I have been wearing a mask
Solely because I know
The real me
Was never someone you wanted