Blessing

I bless this part of me

This pulsating part of me

That hurts like hell

But reminds me why

I am here

It feels like fire inside

And stings like a thousand swords

But I pause

To bless it

Because without it

I would be

Just another pile of dust

Or a lifeless breath of air

A wave in the wind

Just saying goodbye

And so I 

Say this blessing

Of thanks

And giving

Of this reminder

Why I am living

For all the hills

Hurt

And hate

Will carry me

Like walking on knives

To that relief of happiness

Heartbeats

That feel like a song

Melodious

And magical

I bless myself

For you have blessed me

And I will be a vessel

To carry this goodness

To others

Pass this blessing

To the world...

Up to the Clouds

As the end of my semester comes to a close, I am starting to feel the pressure. The stress. The anxiety. It’s building up. I am trying to find time to just wind down, space out, and not feel so focused so that I don’t completely lose it. It’s hard to find the balance between totally frying my brain and just relaxing. In seminary we learned that you can’t just “space out”. We were here for a purpose, and tuning out isn’t going to help us accomplish anything. But I digress.

A video recently went viral that has made me rethink my values and goals. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and watch:

I first saw Clouds and affect on me. Watching Zach struggle with cancer and still be able to maintain such an uplifting and positive attitude was inspiring. As he says in the video, “You don't have to find out you're dying to start living.” Life is  challenging. No one questions that. But to tune out and turn off is simply letting yourself succumb and in succumbing, you won’t succeed. Sometimes we forget how closely those two states are:

Watching this video, I am reminded of my own mortality. Zach knew that he had an expiration date on his. Less than a year or so. Me? It could be today. Tomorrow. (Hopefully, 120) I don’t know. In one of my psychology classes, we were discussing death. I, in all innocence (ok, mischeif), asked, “Why are people afraid to die?” The teacher responded, “In this classroom we could have many different reasons for each person!” I wanted to know what they were. Uncharacteristically of the class, everyone raised their hands to give their answers. Answers varied from “not having enough time,” “having to say goodbye,” “the actual moment,” “not acoomplishing everything I wanted to.”

It was intense and overwhelming. We spend so much time avoiding these kinds of conversations. When I tell people about my career choice, working with children with terminal illnesses, they cringe. Is it because of the sadness of working with a sick child or because they know they have to face their own mortality? I would venture to say it is a bit of both, but I am of the opinion that the work I will do will provide joy into that dark world and brighten an otherwise terrible situation. When you focus on living, REALLY living, death is merely just the next challenge. To quote: “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Zach embraced this. By writing and singing his songs, he left his legacy for people to learn from. Seforim epitomize this concept. The author may have passed on, but his memory is carried on forever. When we remember him, it is not for the tragedy of his death, but for the legacy of his life.

So the question is, with every challenge we must face, what legacy will you leave behind? How will you be remembered? What sort of life will you live, so that when people think of you, they think of your accomplishments and success?

Hmm..

Conundrum of the Klal

I just took one final, had an iced coffee, the sun is shining and I feel really good right now... So while my head isn't feeling low, I think I can properly articulate some of the thoughts in my head... 


A few days ago, I was informed of the passing of a young man, after his long battle with cancer. At first, he was a name I knew by association, and by that alone, I was upset. Then I discovered the face behind the name and the hurt was so much more.
By association, this has been a rough year. The passing of a child, of a fighter in no small deal. It signifies a life cut short, when there was so much potential and so much promise. So yes, it hurts.
But then I think... does it hurt, solely because I know the children who passed? Has this year been a rough one for me because of the affiliations I have? Or has the Klal as a whole taken too many bullets... literally and figuratively. The Fogel family... the bus bombings... car accidents... cancer... Is it really all of epic proportions, or only because I know of the national and personal tragedies?
At the same time... all the pain I experience, the news that I must learn to accept (and cry over) someone else has there own portion of problems and pain to deal with...
So then perhaps it really hasn't been a "tough year" for just me.... just this family I am involved in... but... everyone?
If there were a measure, a scale, a ruler for pain, would we all be on the same mark, weighing in the same? Or does each person measure differently? The tragedies afflicting our people are great. We are the victims of media persecution, religious opposition, self hatred and assimilation. We suffer from the hands of others, the hands of our own, and from the hands of forces we cannot control. Bombings, cancer, shootings... The list is quite endless... Is this a hard year only because we are a part of _____________ and thus there are certain inherent "side effects" of being associated with such an organization?
Is it just a "hard year" for the klal? i mean, we take a hit each time we hear about a camper... but it's only those within the family.. and because it's those we know, it hurts even more... my friends who arent involved arent going through it... 

For the klal, its definitely been a tough year... but is it that much more painful because of our involvement with ________________ and the sensitivity of knowing that not every child will be healed?

Is it a "tough year" because of the profound loss we have experienced or this is normal for us...? I can't recall being so cognitive of pain and loss and suffering. Is it because I never noticed before? Or because it's so much closer to home? Or because the intensity of which we are being struck has increased?

Hearing all this bad news... all this loss... makes me feel so... helpless. It makes me more aware of a being, far greater and more powerful than I. It makes me realize, I am not in control. No one really is. Not the soldiers, the leaders, the doctors... It makes me realize I have no one to rely on during these times but Avinu She'Bashamayim... Because if I can't rely on him, then from whence shall salvation come?

Not sure how much sense this post makes, but it sorta of accentuates the fact that all of this is so incomprehensible and really, there is no explanation that man can give... at least we can try...

End of the World

They said that the world would end...
But it already had.
They say that each person is a world...
Six million were destroyed
And to each person
The loss of just one
Mother... father... sister... brother...
The unspeakable loss of a son... or daughter...
Is the end of the world,
And it is...
The end of the world
Doesn't have to come in the form
Of fire, and ice
Brimstone and hail
Rather through 'the sharp knife
Of a short life'.
The end of the world
Is determined through the eyes
Of the one viewing the destruction...
Loss...
Or heartbreak...
It doesn't need proclamation on billboards
Or radio stations...
Because in some way
In some form...
We are all experiencing
The end of the world.
Thankfully...
With every end...
There is always a new beginning...

Line of Disconnect

There is a line...
That runs through my mind,
And spells out "disconnect"
Black on white...
Mumbled prayers...
It is the line that divides...
Between understanding and acceptance
Ie. Cognitive Dissonance
Of which there is no explanation
Rather an image of....
Head held in hands...
And the slow, steady fall
Of tired drops of water
And soft, unmoving lips...
That cannot articulate
Or grasp the words....
That are appropriate to express...
Rather, remaining silent..
Frozen in time...
Just like that dream
Of wishes and hopes unfulfilled...
Stopped cruelly...
At one....long...line...
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\______________________________________________

The News

Casual conversation of trivial topics-- or maybe not, as pain is never trivial--
Turns into heart stopping fear, of an intense kind
As realization settles in, hard and heavy...
And acceptance starts to plant seeds
That will one day bear fruits
Of understanding, and perhaps contentment,
Though for now, I stand, with a weighted heart
To simply allow the news, to take root
While it is watered with my falling tears
And soaked in the light of a sun
That is happiness, as it shines to penetrate
Against the blackness that fights to lay dark clouds
Of anger and depression, perhaps revolt
In a most vicious manner.
Inner storms brew, waging war on my state of being
The cold, the warmth strike each other
As one tries to emerge victor
The defender of my bliss, the offender of the sadness tyranny
The protector of my madness, the offender of my elated laugh
Two enemies, or perhaps, two friends
Who fight to achieve an inner balance
Of which I yearn to know of, and let blossom within in me....


(It's late, I'm reading Shakespeare, and I have come to the surprising, and almost frightening realization, I know far too many sick children and adults... chronic or cancer, it's almost too much too bear. And those are alive and suffering might out weigh those who have passed on, yet the number is still too great on either side... And as I write down another name to daven for-- Tehillem is all we have-- I come to the chilling conclusion... nothing in this world is in our hands. It's all up to Him. And if He doesn't know what's going on... certainly we can never... Good thing He's steering this ship. At least I can be assured I'll land on a warm, safe island soon... with all those I know who suffer an illness a sea, resting blissfully under a warm sun and sipping fruity drinks....)